Death by Words

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JUDAS KISS;

I have told you

a secret

A secret no ears

have heard

A secret even the winds

don't know

A secret you promised

you'd keep

But now you are a

Judas kiss

-(7/18/13)

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UNTITLED;

The moon brought about an unfamiliar beat in her heart, and the constellations seemed to be falling from the sky piece by piece. He conquered her eyes as they roamed, and stood still as the hills in the northern part of the world. A deep sigh escaped, and they reached out with fingers outstretched. A fuse of misery and throe, they sailed beyond the sea, and together they entangled the mess created by the cosmos, thrum after thrum and cadence after cadence.

After endless time of wander, weariness overcame the inevitable pair, and soon they layed down on the soft green grass under the night blue sky. He held her hand on his chest, and she laced her legs with his, and together, with the cage they have created between them, they sacrificed themselves to unconsciousness and oblivion.

-(9/24/13)

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TO YOU;

Count the stars for me; do not say a word.

Listen to the patter of rain on your roof; hear a rhythm.

Feel the cold breeze's lips touch your skin; do not flinch.

Read unuttered words for me; trace your fingers on the print.

Sip tea; look at the stains on the table.

Watch the clouds flutter by; see the blue.

Sit by the window and look at the city lights.

I need you to breath, to keep still. Feel your heartbeat.

Release yourself, like a kite that weaves through the heavens.

Listen to me.

You do not deserve cruelty. You deserve liberty.

-(9/25/13)

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SHOELACES;

I see you

empty,

caged.

You are

oblivious to it;

you felt full,

free.

Not asking

for anything.

But you are

shoelaces

to me; a

messy tangle

of stories

waiting to

be carved into

a definite

shoe.

-(10/08/13)

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no help can help me;

they say it, over and again.

it rings in my ears.

it makes me cold and shiver.

it breaks me down like a sandcastle.

i'm tired, so tired.

they tell me

"relax. don't cry.

live. breathe."

but i don't relax.

i cry.

i try to live

but i don't even breathe.

-(12/1/13)

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my head would tilt to see the above

and create theories of broken constellations

of setting the whole universe on fire

i am not a god, nor was i a witch

i was a petty human, nothing but living carcass

when will i feel the waves and know i belong?

when will i see the sunlight and know that i am trying,

that i am real and solid and true?

will that ever be? isn't everything temporary?

the end has always been thought to be a slash,

a whip, a tear, a slap, a cry for help

but the end was what i wanted

eternal serenity from the burden of this world

(12/14/13)

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you arch your back

to hide the insanity

from the rest to see;

they only see bones,

skin.

they don’t see what you see:

the caged emotions

trying to break free

as your fingers swell

on containing it.

(12/15/13)

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we are not measured by the

fragility of our souls

but by the burning spark

that lives in the center

of our hearts

(12/16/13)

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your words were like

butterfly wings

until i realized they are

axes

that cut me into

tv vo

(12/17/13)

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mixtape;

it hurt to see you break

to feel the emptiness of my knuckles

when it is a place for your fingers

to see you a vagabond

wavering and waiting

for the world to be on your side

i make a mixtape

to call to you

naming it "the savior"

because you saved me

though you need saving

i was terrified

beyond wonder

that you would finally fall.

so i took the courage

to slip the mixtape

into your busy pockets

and i set sail to another world

never coming back

another picture of me will be no more

and all you have is a mixtape

to remember by

(12/21/13)

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i was threatened by the tears

that fell because of you;

the tears that substituted

the blood that could have sputtered

from the deep gashes you gave me

with your words;

but instead they were clear, and not red

because i was strong enough

to not let your daggers kill me

(12/21/13)

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i am enslaved in a cage

of rage

of sadness

of loneliness

and i cannot withstand

the tight grip it held me in

my veins popping

my teeth chattering

the ends of my hair curling

what madness does this fall to?

whatever happened to serenity

of the sight of a fluttering butterfly

or the whisper of cold winds

when all i see are the bags under my eyes

and the rock of my chair

and the arch of my back

and the abyss that kissed me on the cheek?

is there an escape route

something, anything

a loophole

i am tired;

save me

save my death; my funeral

save my eternity

salvage the soul

i lost

the life

i had to mend

but didn't

i need you to pick up my pieces

build me again

remind me what it was like

to count the stars

on my palm

.

i am a vagabond;

i have nowhere else to go

(2/7/14)

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point the gun at me;

my heart is exhausted.

i plead, no hesitation;

free me.

release the safe lock;

assure me.

rest your finger on the trigger;

please, no words.

let my eyes close.

let me breathe one last time.

let me go.

press the trigger.

goodnight.

(2/9/14)

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humans strangle themselves;

they cut rope into two,

just to tie them together.

they shatter glass to a million pieces,

just to glue them again, piece by piece.

they crumple paper

just to flatten it out again.

they strangle themselves too tightly;

they don't realize their lips have turned blue

and their eyes have popped

and their face have gone red

until they don't breathe anymore.

(2/20/14)

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and when i was exhausted,

when i let out countless sighs

and a handful of whimpers,

i remembered looking deep

into your eyes

when you asked me to,

and i remembered your hand

on my shoulder

as you told me

you believed in me.

all my notions of giving up,

all my longings of letting go,

they ended

like a whisp of smoke dissolving

into the summer air.

you believed in me

and i couldn't let you down

(02/25/14)

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the dark wasn't always the monster;

it wasn't always the one who seeked for bloodshed,

or the one who slaughtered dreams.

the dark is rest.

it is the reason to find the light switch.

it is the reason light is beautiful.

(03/6/14)

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There was the sky,

and there were the oceans.

There were the stars and

there were the planets.

And then there was you.

Oh godforsaken you.

You're trying too hard; too hard

to not notice that you're

making me creep to you.

You wear the worst sweaters

and you put on the worst of smiles.

You're a murderer; you murder me by

releasing a thousand stomach-eating butterflies

and bring them to my stomach

for their feast.

I do my own thing.

You do your own thing.

For some goddam reason,

you make me want to shatter a hundred glasses

all at once

until my hands are covered with my own blood

and I could smother you with it.

Can you stop?

Do you have a switch?

Just stop. Please.

I don't want to feel.

But you make me feel.

A lot.

(8/29/14)

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Entry Number 38

I've been living in the hollow

of the underbelly of a beast

that howls and waits

for the next snow storm.

I huddle in my heap of tattered clothes,

singing to the moonlight with my eerie voice

begging for a miracle;

my dying wish.

I feel the beast's scales on my back.

It's terrifying.

I shiver.

Immense pain of singularity and loneliness

washes over me;

towering waves soaking my skin,

leaving it blood-red.

Again, I ask whatever god is in the sky,

to leave a candle by my side tonight;

the dancing flames could be my father,

the wick, my mother,

and I could be the wax that melts

slowly to the ground

as it waits in its never-ending slumber

for the world to see.

(10/8/14)

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The Wait for the Goodbye

We sat in lonely chairs

and sunk in the sad waters.

We spoke softly,

barely audible,

yet we understood the weight

of our thoughts.

The gleam in his eyes made

the slightest hint of the stars,

and I forgot who I was

and where I was

and what I was.

We almost always spoke in silence,

waiting,

yearning,

sighing.

We broke immeasurable heights,

climbed the deepest canyons,

yet there he was,

speaking to me like there is

and there'll always be

a reason to let me go.

I wait for the goodbye,

speaking and seeking of solitude.

I wait for the goodbye,

thinking the wonders of being

alone.

I wait for the goodbye,

wondering and wandering aimlessly.

I wait for the goodbye,

and realize I'll be alone.

I wait, and even yearn, for the goodbye.

But what I will lose of him will be irreplaceable.

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It was hard to look at you

without seeing the yearning gleam

in your eyes for someone who is

not me.

I've kept my heart in a bag,

still beating like raspy knocks on a door,

thrum,

thrum,

thrum.

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the words linger from my fingers

the silent waning and

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The skin below my nape bore pity smoke and tumultuous echoes

Belting out a familiar, eerie tune

It rasped under the tips of my fingers, making callouses feel like silk

I tapped the deep swell, and the ache tumbled towards my throat

It banged on its door

Boom

It knocks once

Boom, boom

It knocks twice, this time its eyes averting

Boom, boom, boom

It knocks thrice, its knuckles bleeding

Boom, boom, boom, boo—

It knocks rapidly, successively, a growing roar in the mouth of a whisper

The door falls, the whole throat quakes

I am left with an emptiness, caused by a thief, a thief I never succumbed to, yet a thief who was able to fulfill

a thief who escapes

----unfinished----

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We see fire

blazing,

its smoke breathing

our air.

We blink twice,

thrice.

A thousand times.

Our tears flow through

a hose connected to the ducts

in our eyes.

We try to bring it down,

burst after burst,

drip after drip.

Fifty feet of hose turns to a hundred.

The fire starts to rise to

thirty feet tall

until

it becomes the only thing

we can see.

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Disconnect

It took me twenty minutes,

an hour at most,

to stare at my screen.

It took me those golden moments

to finally break apart.

It took me a glowing screen

and sliding fingers to

question my name,

my face,

my soul.

I wanted to disconnect,

to forget,

to forgive,

to scream.

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FALLEN LEAF

at the beginning of autumn

dig your hands in a pile of

fallen leaves and whisper

i am a fallen leaf too

accept me

take me

and when the leaves

whisper back

a stern welcome

dig your whole body

into its kingdom

and ask for forgiveness

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the sun is a diver of infinite sorts

diving from one place to another

it never just dipped, never sunk

it never drowned

sometimes, people would beg the

sun to stay under

the sun would whimper over death

yet people hold it down for it to

suffocate

in a sea of blue bubbles in the form

of white clouds

the sun is

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a dance i left for you

yet it was left unclaimed

i waited,