Ode To My Trust

i have been cheated on more times than i can count.

i have heard more "i'm sorry's" than i care to remember

i build walls around myself to hold in the little bit of trust i have left.

the walls i build around myself are made eroding cobblestone that rests on a weak foundation and eats earthquakes for breakfast

and by lunchtime it is just begging to fall down.

my trust is like water.

it flows freely through cracks and crevices unable to be contained even by its own owner.

yet, it managed to find its way to you.

my trust flows away, greets you like a puppy does it's owner after a long work day and then rushes home to tell me about you.

my trust is like a child.

not all that bright.

forced to make the same mistake one hundred and one times before making it just one more time.

although like a child it is convincing.

looking at me with pleading eyes begging me to tear down these walls for on the horizon it sees triumph, it sees glory, it sees treasures of riches unforetold

and after much pleading of course, i'll agree.

i'll break down these walls brick by brick, i'll dust the debris off my clothing and i'll meet you. i'll meet you with open arms as if they were never barricaded by a wall just moments ago. you will meet me

and never even know i have been cheated on more times than i can count.

i have heard more "i'm sorry's" than i care to remember

that i build walls around myself to hold in the little bit of trust i have left.

as they always say history repeats itself.

that is, without change.

in the past, things will start off great, they'll be good for a while, then either you'll cheat, or stop feeling the same, or need space, or move to Texas, or forget to text back days at a time then weeks then months and just be a ghost of someone that i used to know.

i'm still young and i do not understand why this happens.

i've summed it down to it's not meant to be, they weren't the one meant for you, or that isn't the kind of person you're supposed to marry anyway

no matter what lie i tell myself

it still hurts every time.

but.

my trust is a trooper.

each one that leaves is a battle lost but the war has not been won, my trust has taken grenades to the face, gunshots to the head, been deserted in uncharted wilderness for days at a time but is still strong enough to stay with me, strong enough to endure whatever life throws at it. it is stronger than me, because it won't give up, unlike i have many times before.

i have died more nights than i can remember. drowning my liver in alcoholic beverages, the sounds of glass bottles breaking against the pavement in the grocery store parking lot at 3am ring through my head, nights where i smoked so much weed, sitting in a haze filled cloud around people i don't particularly know or like just so the memories i have of you aren't as clear, so you feel almost like a dream turned nightmare.

my trust is the only thing that has saved my life so understand when you break it...

i will feel pain,

i will feel rage.

i will personally feel attacked

because my trust is all that i have when you decide to leave

this poem isn't a cheaters guide to getting over your trust issues,

this isn't a poem on how to make your significant other stay, this poem honestly doesn't even have a ending...

this poem is simply an ode to my trust.