The Summary Of My Writing Life

Yup. Here I am. Huddled up in my bed with a keyboard and a sleeve of crackers. I've been eyeing this cranberry ginger ale on my desk for a while now. I think I'll pop the can open on my fifth cracker. This one'll be my second. They're actually a phenomenal writing snack. Perhaps not the healthiest in the amounts I eat them in. But who ever said writing was healthy, anyways? I've probably gained 15 pounds from writing in the last two years. Not a lot of what I write is published in my portfolio though, because most of what I've written isn't worthy of being seen by any other human being but the writer. Me.

The point is, it's midnight and if by now I cannot control my mind I just simple have to write. That's how I work. I mean, I may not be able to function properly tomorrow, but tomorrow doesn't matter right now. I like my saltines and the tugging temptation to open this ginger ale ahead of time. It's only my fourth cracker...

Ok now it's my fifth. I still have like fifteen sixteenths of this sleeve to go. That's right. Pop goes the can.

'She gazed dizzily at the stranger as she listened for the crisp snap of her beer can'

Reader: "That's kinda a stupid writing idea"

Me: You bet it is.

The best writing comes from the heavy embellishment and fanaticization (yeah that's a word. I just figured that out right now) of the simplest things in life.

After this cracker sleeve, I might just be off to bed. But who knows how long this piece of writing is going to take me. It might even take me two cracker sleeves. Now that's when I get seriously into it with all the dramatization and depressing side of being a teenager. Every teenager has a depressing side sometimes they just have to stay up longer in order for you to finally see it. It's there alright.

*Sip*

As my reader, if you're out there, feel free to get up and take a break for a moment. Perhaps get yourself a refreshment from your very own refrigerator. I feel uncomfortable not offering you anything, but then again, You're not right there at my doorframe watching in disgust as I destroy this cracker sleeve. Stomach growling yet? You look like you're just wasting away, standing there. Or sitting there. If we're being literal.

I'm not even half done...

I'm kinda getting full...

But I want to keep going.

The funny thing about crackers is they're bland taste yet addictiveness. It's probably the salt.

"Saltines"

Where'd that even come from? Saltines.

"Would you like to come in and have some saltines with some sardines? There's sixteen of each so if we share get both get eight saltines, and eight sardines. Do you fancy sardines??"

NO I DON'T.

I'm sorry if you're wasting your time reading this I just don't know what to do with myself. Hope it provides a good laugh.

Not to go all earthy on you, but have you ever thought of how much plastic is used a year to seal up crackers? You could probably layer up all that plastic and make 100 15 x 15 tarps. Can you imagine how many homeless people would be blessed with those tarps? If only crackers weren't so addictive...

I passed the halfway benchmark like a cracker ago.

Why do crackers have holes in them? Huh? Now, if you saw a cracker with no holes in it, you'd probably think something was wrong with it. Because crackers are generically made with holes in them.

But the question we haven't asked ourselves is why the holes are there.

These crackers are getting heaaaavy.

Do you like crackers? I hope you do. Because I've been talking about them for fifteen minutes in my time at least. I suppose if you're still reading you must be obsessed with them. Who reads 700 words worth of a one-sided conversation mainly about crackers?

At least if you're still reading, you can tell your friends that you're probably the only one who's read a 700 worded document about crackers. Your friends will probably leave you for someone who's wise enough not to... invest their time in a cracker-document.

You probably need a therapist. I wish I knew some good ones, but I don't know anything about therapists.

I should know a lot. The next step to insanity from reading a now-775-word document about crackers is spending your brain power to write one. I suppose writing something as mindless as crackers doesn't really use brain power necessarily... But I'm no scientist. Obviously.

Only 1/4 left.

I kinda wish I ate these crackers faster (rhymes) so this piece of writing didn't end up being what is now 800 words. I wonder if I'm gonna make it to a thousand.

If I throw up tonight I think the people in my house hold will be really confused. What does puke look like when it's mostly composed of crackers and cranberry ginger ale? I'm having a hard time imagining it. And I'm a writer. So I know stuff about imagination. Maybe I'm just a bad writer. Hence this. That's an exceptionally high possibility.

Maybe I'll hire someone and compose an experiment. That is if I don't puke. Can you hire someone to puke? I bet that exists somewhere. Maybe when I'm older I'll open up a business in Las Vegas. I feel like it'd get a lot more buzz there than it would in my teeny-tiny hometown.

My tummy isn't even hard.

Only five crackers left.

Four.

Sometimes I take little breaks it is very beneficial to my mind. Or in my mind. Which one do you think it is?

Three.

I like this.

Two.

I'm rolling my last cracker around in my hand. But now I realize that I'm technically just rubbing off the salt. The only good part of the cracker. I'm just a big ol' derp. Don't mind me.

Last cracker.

This was nice. Thanks for this. It was completely senseless but absolutely necessary somehow in your mind for you to hold out till my last cracker. Remember when I had fifteen sixteenths to finish? That was like 25 minutes ago. It's been so long. I reached 1,000 words, but now my cracker fuel is gone. So I better hit the hay.

G'night!

xx

-Lil'laina