Growin' Up Redneck The Daryl Dixon Story

PLEASE NOTE: this is a working, living document, being written on my phone. Please be patient

Part one

30 Days Before the Outbreak

Shit. Fuckin’ Merle, some big brother. That shit gone and an’ left me out here - middle - a - nowhere with a hangover. Been pullin’ the same shit since we was kids.

I spent my entire life out here in these woods, huntin’, surviving… But after a night a’ moonshine, you lose your sense of direction real fast.

"Merle!" I yell at the top of my lungs. I lose my breath and these woods come alive with birds and scurrying squirrel.

I get my breathing straight and take a minute to get my head right. I pull a cowboy killin’ cancer stick from my vest pocket, and the Zippo that our Mama’a daddy gave me before he died…before she left.

I return the lighter to my pocket and decide to put my trackin’ skills to use - the only good thing I got from my brother and my ol’ man. I drag hard and deep on the cigarette - I guess in some ways, I don’t really care if my lungs turn black and rot out. They’ll match Merle’s heart and we’ll have something other than just blood in common.

I look around for my gear. My crossbow’s gone. It takes a minute to sink in. My crossbow is gone.

Son-of-a-bitch! He took my crossbow. I’m wild as a buck in mating season as I look for his trail; scoutin’ the ground like a goddamn bloodhound.

Something whizzes past and stings my left arm like an angry hoard of hornets. I hear it strike a tree less than ten feet in front of me. An arrow … One of my bolts. I turned, crouched and ready to fight .

"Mornin’ little brother." Merle stood with a big ole smile on his ugly face .

"Trying to kill me, fucker? Huh?" I walked closer to him as I spoke.

"What, you wanna kill me off, maybe sell one of my kidneys for meth? Is that what you learned in prison, Merle? Is that what you learned when you was some asshole’s cupie doll, glory hole, dick sucker?"

His left uppercut didn’t catch me off guard. I knew he would hit me, and I knew all too how he fought.

"Now Daryl, is that any way to talk to your big brother? I’m tryin’ to teach you a lesson boy."

I lay still waiting for the kick in the gut I knew was coming.

"How many times do I need to tell you not to fall asleep out in the open with all your shit layin’ out for the takin’?"

Another kick.

"And I thought you was afraid of la chupacabra, boy." Merle burst into mocking laughter, "oh señorita, save me from la chupacabra!"

"I know what I saw…an’ it weren’t no dog!"

"Oh you may be grown, but you got a lot to learn little brother. Your soft like your whore mama, you’re lucky you got me to teach ya."

"Yeah, teach me to take a whoopin’. Well, I got news for you, brother, the ol’ man beatcha to it, an’ he’s a lot better at it."

"Come on now Daryl, you know I’m the only one in the world who loves ya’. Looks out for ya’."

I hate when Merle talks to me like I’m some little kid he’s trying to lure away with puppies and candy - cautious but all sweet at the same time. And the shit fact of it all is that it’s true; Merle’s my blood and I love ‘em. If he weren’t my blood, I’d have left this shit hole.

But, like that poor stupid kid who ends up two states away in sum marsh half eat up by gators after God knows what sick shit gone on, I head off with my brother.

"Gimme my crossbow, ya piece a shit," I shove hard against his chest. I know this is the only way to get through to Merle, he don’t respond to any kind of bein’ nice; If you wanna get through to my big brother, you gotta show ‘em you ain’t no pussy.

"Calm down there little puppy dog," there was a hint of approval in his voice that made me feel better - I can’t explain why - it just does. Merle’s the biggest ass hole you’ll ever meet in yer life, but right now, he’s all I got.

"Where’s the bow I bought ya?"

"You didn’t buy shit. You stole that Horton from Tommy Cole after you caught ‘em tryin’ to sneak the ol man’s hooch."

"It’s the thought that counts, didn’t no one ever teach you that?"

I can’t do nothin’ but shake my head. But the truth is, only two gifts I ever got were that lighter and that bow.

“You didn’t answer my question, Daryl, where’s the bow? Where did you get this fancy ass piece? You take out a liquor store?”

I don’t answer. It’s leading me down a dark path that I just found my way back from after three years, and Merle weren’t around to help me find my way through none of it.

I keep walkin, my eyes glued to the path. I know Merle has stopped, I don’t know why. Don’t care. He can keep the bow.

“This is a mighty fine bow Well now, a Barnett…ain’t that all sophisticated huntsman. You must dropped at least a grand down on a piece like this.”

His voice changed to that of our old man, “Daryl, you ain’t seriously gittin’ into any illegal shit now are you?”

His voice is stern: he is cold, emotionless, the way l imagined his drill sergeants when he jointed the Army. What the fuck was going through that lumpy fucking head of his. I wasn’t him, I’d couldn’t be like him if I tried. That’s another reason I stay close to Merle - I need to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid.

"You listen here boy and you listen good. I may have done some fucked up shit in my life, and I may use booze, drugs and saggy pussy to numb my brain, but trust me boy, you do not wanna end up in Jail or servin this fine U.S.ofA. I’ve seen things, boy, things that’d make you cry blood out your asshole."

At this point in his sermon, the good reverend Merle caught up to me and has a grasp of the back right inside armhole of my vest.

"Let me go, Merle. It ain’t like that and I ain’t like you. Just let it go."

You know I ain’t gonna let this go, not after that. You’re up to somethin little brother, and I…”

I interrupt him just to get him to shut the fuck up. “I sold some things I had lying around - things I should have let go a long time ago. You happy now? Is that enough for you?”

Stillness filled the space between us. It took a few moments for Merle to realize I was referring to a diamond engagement ring.

"Man, you still cryin’ over that Lexi girl wit them big tittys that gone run off? Boy, don’t I keep tellin’ ya can’t trust nobody ain’t blood."

I know Merle is missin’ somethin in his brain that makes a person human. He’s more like an animal, all tough an’ instinct and not givin’ a shit bout’ nuthin. I can usually blow off his bullshit like a feather off a dead duck’s ass, but ain’t no body, not even my brother, gonna start going off on me about Alexis.

"Why don’t you shut the fuck up b’fore I put a bolt through your ugly ass head."

"Damn, boy, you really was in love. That bitch burned you good."

"Didn’t burn me. Was her momma sent her off to live with some aunt in some prissy Yankee state ain’t no body tell me. I even asked her ol’ man if I could make it legal, even before…"

I hate talkin bout this same shit over and over, especially to Merle. I want to cry, but Merle - Merle don’t cry. Shit, you could cut off the hand he pretends is Angelina Jolie’s ugly and that bastard wouldn’t shed a tear.

"What, before she took a coat hanger to Daryl Jr. and then decided practicing her barberin’ skills on her wrists? Damn, you said she was good with them scissors and razors, I wouldn’t let that bitch…"

I snapped. I’m on Merle, pinning his chest to the dirt and rocks. My fist are heavy and tight and they keep comin’ down hard on Merle’s face. I see blood and realize my fists hurt - my mind just went crazy - did I want to kill him? No… Things start to clear up and my fists loosen, the blows soften up, I stop. Fuck, I’m cryin’. He’s talkin but I can’t stop my head to listen. My heart’s pounding in my ears and I’m breathin hard.

"Daryl! Daryl, what’s the matter with you, boy? Get you’re pathetic pansy ass off a me."

He pushes me off and I lay on the forest floor with the dead leaves and rocks and dirt and animal shit.

"She didn’t have no abortion," I’m sobbing but I don’t care. I don’t even look at him, but I know he’s hovering over me.

"We were happy, I was buyin us a house. She didn’t want no wedding til after the baby came, said she didn’t wanna look fat in our pictures. I know her family didn’t like us - me, a high school drop out motorcycle mechanic, but I was tryin. She went to the doctor for her 20 week, we were gonna find out if it was a boy or a girl. We were all excited, both of us took off work, took a bus to Atlanta. We went to a little diner for breakfast - I should have know something was wrong when she said she wasn’t real hungry. Usually, she’d put away a stack of pancakes and two or three eggs… "

I smiled, remembering her laughing about her pregnant eating habits.

Any way, we headed to the doc’s office. She was joking and laughing and all the bitches were all goo goo over what a cute couple we were…what a beautiful baby we would have. then, when they put jelly on her and started rubbin that thing around to see the baby, the woman went all quiet and left the room. Doc come back in and looked, then he said the baby girl was gone. Lexi, she couldn’t handle it, thought she done somethin wrong…”

The woods went dead silent. I lay there for what seemed like hours til Merle’s voice broke through the stillness like a brick hitting glass.

"Little brother, you never told me you was gonna be a daddy to a little girl."

I didn’t answer. I guess this was his way of tryin to be comforting, it all it did was irritate me. My sorrow turned to anger. I got up, “We didn’t have anything to bury proper, but we named her. Cherokee Rose, like them flowers that grow where mother’s who lost their little ones tears fell… You know that story, about the Indians?” “Indeed I do, little brother, indeed I do.”

We start walking back toward home, if you can it that. The first few mile or so we walk in silence.

I kept walkin in silence. Good thing Merle at least had the smarts to do the same.

My eyes were instinctively on the path, by my mind, inside my head I was six years in the past, livin a younger happier time. My scars of a shitty home life were fadin and I was on my own without a care.

Merle was back from servin his time in the Army, but now, he was servin time for dealin meth with a buddy of his.

I didn’t care much - I was a free man, with nobody tellin me when I could take a piss or to go fetch a beer like I was some bitch. That’s why I decided I’d never treat a woman the way Merle and my daddy treat women.

I know my mama would have taken me if she could have - but I’m the one who told her just run. I couldn’t stand the way the talked to her like she was some kinda stay dog they take in. And I was tired of daddy whoppin her bloody and purple, and Merle laughin at our mama.

I do miss the way she smelled and the way her face was so cool ‘gainst mine when I was sick. But I hope she’s better off with a man who treats her nice.

But back then, I never thought no girl that pretty and nice would want to willingly be in the company of my ugly, redneck self. Sure I’d been with girls, but just the kinda girls ya meet in bars, looking to satisfy their own urges and be able to go round town sayin I attacked ‘em when they was all drunk.

At the same time they be gigglin ‘bout how hot it was. Stupid trash, redneck bitches can’t make up their own fuckin minds. Like I’m some kinda monster that you shouldn’t fuck, but if I happen to pounce, like fuckin Dracula or some shit, it’s all hot and sexy.

My mama wasn’t from around these parts. She was a college girl in Atlanta that wandered in to the wrong place at the wrong time and ended up stuck. She didn’t belong here. We weren’t never aloud to go visit her family, they always came here, well, not here, but to a nice hotel in the city. Daddy never came, and after a while, Merle stopped comin.

Anyway, I didn’t meet Lexi in no bar. I was getting a little bored of goin out back, fuckin in the woods, and goin home alone. I’d ask them to come home - that’s not what I wanted - but that’s all they wanted, and I’m not one to argue with a pretty naked lady.

But it was all still lonely. No huggin or kissin, just fuckin. And dirty like, against trees, girls bent ass up like a bitch in heat, wantin me to slap her ass and say shit… Sometimes, I damn near cried after.

I was takin a break from all that, just focusing on work, keeping my shit ass trailer out in the woods neat and clean in case mama come back and need a place to stay, but most of all, I was hidin out from my old man.

So one day, I was workin, and I decided to take a walk down to this little deli on the corner, next to this beauty salon where most of them bar scene girl work. I don’t go to that deli much much because I hate havin to walk in front of the beauty place. The second on of them spots me, all them girls start gigglin and talkin. But I figure it’s been long enough since I’d messed around with any of them, and I wanted one a them chicken and pickle sandwiches all the boys been rantin bout.

So I just figured, “Fuck it.” I was tired of hidin from everything my whole life, so if I wanted a sandwich and I had money on my pocket, then there was nothin in this world stopin me from getting that sandwich.

I walk up the block, my hands at my sides and head down at first, but that just don’t feel right, so I pull a cigarette from my vest pocket and put it between my lips. Then I fumble around in my front right jeans pocket and pull out my lighter. I stop for a few seconds to shield the wind from the flame, return the lighter to my pocket and continue on.

I feel better with something to do while walkin. I don’t know why I’m so damn scared of a bunch of women. I guess part of me feels guilty for somethin - even if they don’t. The shit thing of it is that they think I’m like my brother.

I never thought of myself of being much like Merle, or our ol man, but I know I’m a Dixon, and that right there, the fact of people knowin it’s in my blood, it makes me nothin more than a redneck hick.

Nice church goin folk, hide your daughters, here come one of them Dixon boys. I carry this blood heavy in my veins, like I got lead pumpin through me. I sometimes wonder if Merle ever feels the same and just acts the way be does to make pops happy.

I got so lost in my own thoughts I damn near walked straight into traffic. If it weren’t for Maryanne, one of the hair dressers and bartender at Lou’s, I’d be nothing but a pile of grits and catsup.

"Daryl!" She shouted as she grabbed the inside right armhole of my vest. I was so out if it, I nearly knocked her out. But, once I realized… I ain’t never hit a woman and never will.

"Maryanne, hey." I said in a strained voice.

"You ok, sweety? You almost done near killed yourself, Daryl. I’m hopin that was not your intention!"

She spoke like a mother or aunt, all caring but stern. I never had anything going on with Maryanne, she was nice enough and real pretty, but the truth is, she’s been hung up on Merle since we was kids. I don’t know why, but she never took up with anybody I know of. She just sits around and waits for Merle.

"Naw, I was just thinkin, is all."

"Well, you better be more careful, Daryl, you scared the livin’ shit out of me."

A mere, “sorry,” was all I could trudge up.

"So where have you and that big brother of yours been hidin? I haven’t seen neither of ya’ll in two months." I knew she was probin for Merle’s where abouts.

"I been keeping myself outta trouble, Merle, on the other hand, is doin 18 months up in Atlanta."

Her bright green eyes lost a bit of their luster when she heard the 18 months. I could tell she was thinkin, countin, maybe.

"We’ll it won’t be the longest I’ve waited," she replied, hidin her disappointment behind her best fake smile.

"So what are ya doin on my side of the street," she asked with genuine curiosity.

"Gettin some lunch."

"Well then, looks like you and me are gettin lunch together," her smile was more sincere now as she held the door to Peaches Place Deli open and nodded for me to enter.

Again my thoughts went to what this woman saw in my brother.

We stood in awkward silence at the deli counter.

"So," I interjected. "How’s work?"

"Well, goodness, Daryl, you ain’t been around so long - you missed so much!" I could tell she was excited, and assumed something good must be goin on.

"Ok, so, you remember that mean bitch of a manager, Patricia, we had at the shop?"

"Was that the old one that was the owners grandma or somethin?"

"Great Auntie, but yeah."

" Uh-huh."

"Well, she died! Isn’t that wonderful?"

Was this a trick question? “Depends on who ya ask, I reckon.”

"Well any way," she said giving me a look like I just run over her cat, "guess who the new manager is?"

"That little blonde that’s always wearin them daisy duke shorts and high heels?" I was foolin with her, of course, but I guess she wasn’t in the joking mood.

She shot me a look like she was confused and I was crazy.

"No, you fucktard! It’s me! I’m the new manager, and I hired me an assistant manager."

"Well then," I said, taking her place holdin the door, "ladies first, and lunch is on me."

Again she gave me that look.

"What," I demanded, "I ain’t goofin around this time, we’re gonna have lunch and you’re gonna tell me everything I missed the last couple ‘a weeks."

She walked in, hesitantly, and turned to face me. She was a pretty lookin woman; not too skinny, not too tall, pretty green eyes that told you how she was feelin’ without havin’ to guess - not that Maryanne was one to hold back in anything. And she had this soft auburn hair that was thick, wavy and soft. When she was out in the sunshine in all her glory with that pale skin and shimmering hair and eyes, you’d think you was lookin at some angel or fairy or somethin. But I could never think of her in any other way but family. Plus, there was Merle. If he made her some promise, I pray that bastard come back and make good.

"You got so much of you’re momma, in you Daryl."

"Yea, yea, let’s eat before my lunch time’s done," I spun her around by the shoulders and walked her to the deli counter.

"Hey, girl!" She shouted so loudly and suddenly it made me jump.

"Git over here Lexi, I want you to meet my friend."

I didn’t even bother to scout the girl out… I really had no interest in meetin some girlfriend of Maryanne. But I knew there was no stoppin her, so I figured I just be polite.

I was pretendin to be readin the menu up top when I heard this small, sing-songy voice, “Hey, Mar - I hope you don’t mind, I was just grabbing the girls some drinks on account of the refrigerator being on the fritz and all.”

"No way sugar, I’m glad you’re here."

She elbowed me hard in the ribs, “This here’s my friend Daryl, known him since we was babies. Daryl, this is Lexi, my new assistant manager at the shop.”

I looked over expecting to see a whole lot ‘a nothin. Another bleached blonde, empty blue eyed, fake tanned clone of the other girls over there. But rather, what I saw took away my speakin and my breath.

There next to me with arms overflowin with bottles of pop, was a tiny little thing. Maybe five foot three at best. Her skin was fair but had olive undertones. Her face was a perfect oval with high cheek bones and huge deep brown eyes. Her lips were full and looked real soft below a small but angular nose. When she smiled I could see her top front teeth were slightly crooked, but it was a sexy imperfection.

I reached down to take the bottles from her - for me it’s kind of instinct to help a lady, but god help me, I really wanted to feel her long soft looking hair.

Fuck, when I was grabbing them bottles, my hands were fumblin all over her chest, which was big for such a little girl, and I started gettin all flustered and turnin all red and she starts gigglin this cute little laugh, and next thing I know, I drop three bottles of pop on the floor.

The bottles go fizzin and sprayin everywhere and I start apologizing for everything and to everyone, trying to gather up the mess.

Maryanne starts laughing, “There you have it folks, Mr. Daryl Dixon, consummate gentleman.”

I give her a “Just shut up,” look as she helps contain the mess. In the mean time, a young man with a dust pan, broom, mop and bucket comes to clean away my sins.

Now I really just want to run away, but I got two girls tellin me it’s all ok, just an accident.

"Wait a minute," Lexi interjects like she just had a wild epiphany, "YOU aren’t THE dangerous Daryl Dixon all them girls at the shop talk about?"

Before I can answer, Marryanne steps in, “My dear girl, rumors of his dangerousness have been highly exaggerated, why, Daryl ain’t nothin but a big pussy cat.”

Is this a compliment? I think I like the dangerous thing better. At least then people leave me alone. I don’t mind Maryanne, though. She reminds me of better times. Her mamma and my mamma was close friends. Real close. Sometimes when the ‘ol man went crazy beatin on her, we would stay with Maryanne’s family.

Then, when I was about eight, and Merle and Maryanne about twelve, her mamma got real sick with cancer. Mamma did everything she could, cooking for all the kids and Maryanne’s daddy, holdin her mamma’s hand and prayin. She even took her around to doctors all over Atlanta. But her mamma still died. And our mamma kept takin care of all us kids and Mr. Griffins, Maryanne’s daddy, til one day the ‘ol man barged in durin supper and all this fightin went on. Mamma left for good soon after that and we weren’t allowed to see Maryanne, even though we snuck over all the time.

But now, in front of me was this angelic little creature. An angelic little creature I so wanted to touch but who though I was dangerous.

She eyed me up and down, I must have been a mess. Then, to add salt to my wound, she started laughin at me, “nope, I reckon you’re right. I don’t see anything dangerous here.”

She then turned to me, struggling to keep a straight face, “it is my pleasure, Daryl, to make your acquaintance.”

"The pleasure all mine - and I’m glad ya’ll find me so amusing."

"Adorable is more befitting," she stated matter of factly, "why, when I heard mention of you, I’d picture some tough loner who’d walk into a bar, grab a young lady of his choosin’ and have his way with her, then take off into the darkness, like some mythical creature."

"The only thing mythical bout me is them stories."

"Don’t I tell you not to listen to the trash those whore throw around in the shop?" Marryanne asked the girl in that older adult sorta way.

"Now, Daryl and me are gonna have our lunch, but seein he’s in bad need of a trim and a shave, you’re gonna have a chair in the back ready at 5:45 when get gets done workin."

We both opened our mouths to speak, “that’s that,” Maryanne stated firmly, “No arguments from neither one of ya'll.

Merle's voice broke the revelry. "You alright there, little brother?"

I was fine, enjoyin my trip to the past, till he spoke up.

I answered with a simple, "Yup."

Man, I can still feel her small but able hands through my hair that night, and the smell of her soft skin as she came closer and closer to me when she was cuttin my hair.

I had the sudden urge to go see Maryanne at the bar, as sometime Marryanne'll share a phone call conversation or letter with no return address.

"Merle," I called behind me without lookin.

"Huh, what's up little bro?"

"How'd you feel bout a night out a Lou's tonight?"

"Free drinks an' a piece a ass? You don't gotta beg me little brother."

"Merle..." I trailed off.

"What's that?"

"You at least try to be gentleman like to Marryanne?"

He chuckled, "I ain't the one you oughta be talkin to when it comes to that, brother, that bitch is wild for your big brother."

"She loves you, ya know, ya stupid bastard."

"Ain't no love goin on when we're bumpin' uglies in the basement of that ol bar."

"She's a fine lady, Merle, you treat her so."

"Why, so I end up cryin myself to sleep like you? That ain't me, Daryl. Ain't no room in this heart for love."

"Dick," I mutter under my breath.

I turned to face him. I realized what a job I had done on his face; I busted up his nose and lip pretty bad. He wiped most of the blood on an old rag he was carryin, but I could see that there was still blood comin from his bottom lip.

I stopped. "Hey bro," I was bein as sincere as I could with Merle, "I'm sorry, man, I don't know what come over me."

"Every man got his breaking point," he said matter of factly, "some of us just break a little quicker than others."

"You got a breakin' point, Merle?"

"I was broke long ago, brother."

We continued back to our trailer in silence, but at least we were walking side by side. When we reached the door, I headed in while Merle made good on his offer to clean the squirrels for stew.

I cleaned my salvaged bolts along with my bow and put it away with my Horton.

I yelled out to Merle, "Once you get them squirrels clean, bring 'em in, I'll ice 'em... Then get cleaned up all pretty for Mar."

"Oh, I'll be purdier than one a them pageant babies...bitch won't be able to keep her hands off your big brother, I'll show you how it's done...woooo weee!"

We both readied ourselves, hell, Merle even shaved. I wasn't out for no foolin around, so I just changed up. We passed the time playing cards - mostly bullshit. Merle cheats like a minister in a whore house, but I ain't never called him on it.

So, by the time eight o'clock come round, we're both starving and Merle, being older and wiser (in my house) makes the call to head out to Lou's.

All of a sudden, I get the jitters in my gut, like I done somethin bad. I don't know why, but they pass quick enough. Merle's already on the road on his Indian. It takes me a bit to get the Harley goin', but she goes.

Merle starts slowing down and speeding up like he wants a race, but I ain't in no mood.

So what does the dipshit do? He starts swirvin all over the road like some maniac. Good thing Lou's is just a few miles by country roads or he'd end of dead or back in jail.

When I pull in, Merle's grinning like that Alice in Wonderland cat... An probably just as high. That got me thinkin of Merle sittin up in some tree, smokin some crazy ass pipe and yellin down to little girls playin by the creek. I know he ain't no Chester the Molester or nothin, but the thought of the looks on kids faces seein him up there, well, it made me bust out laughin.

"You sure is actin funny, little brother," Merle stated bluntly. "You ain't been messin with no shrooms or peyote, are ya?"

"Hells no, I'm just thinkin, is all. Damn, Merle, I just ain't used to havin another person around all the time. I got used to bein alone...again. Then you show up... I ain't some little kid no more. I got shit on my mind, some I wanna forget, some I wanna remember. Just fuck it, let's go get drunk."

"That's the first sane thing you said all day, Daryl."

He put his arm on my shoulder and we walked two by two in the side door. My eyes shot immediately to a crowd at the far corner of the bar - it was a scene I'd seen only once before...on the night I met up with Lexi.

Merle walked to the bar, which Maryanne was tending with a new server who looked like she couldn't be more than 18. Neither saw Merle at first, they both seemed to be focused on the excitement in the corner.

"Now who do I gotta fuck 'round here to get a couple of shots, some burgers and some beers?" Merle has one of them voices that commands attention.

The server took one look at Merle and ran to the kitchen. But Maryanne, she looked like she was on the set of some movie. She turned her head real slow and her big, green eyes looked like emeralds in the sunlight. A smile lit up her whole face and she righted her body, stickin out her chest like some animal in mating season. She walked slowly over to Merle, leaned over to him and half whispered, "that would be me...drop 'em cowboy, let's see what you got."

They looked at each other for a few seconds, then Merle grabbed her by the hair, pulled her half way across the bar and kissed her like he ain't never had a woman before.

Thankfully, their kissin stopped after a few catcalls and whistles. She looked over at me and winked, then yelled to the server, "you heard my friends, get some burgers out here!"

She got us each a shot of 100 proof SoCo and a bottle of Bud... Not my pleasure, but it'll do the job. Sitting down, I got a view of what, or rather who, was causin the commotion in the corner. Some new girl, tall skinny blonde thing from Florida makin her way up to New York City. She didn't look like much... Just the kinda thing you'd expect to be layin out on some fancy lounge chair on the beach.

I looked in her direction, but all I could see was Lexi that first night. It was the night after she gave me that hair cut. I wanted to talk to Mar about her, about maybe askin her out the proper way. I had no idea she was gonna be a Lou's that night, but I'm sure Mar knew I'd be there.

All the guys in the corner, askin for her number, buyin her drinks... Little thing had herself wrapped up in a sweater. I remember walk right past them guys, putting my hand out to her, and the way my whole body felt when she took it. I still can hear her, "why thank you, Mr. Dixon."

I walked her over to a table, took her sweater and admired how she looked in the little blue tank dress she was wearin'. She must of felt self conscious because when I told her how nice she looked, all she said was, "Maryanne dressed me."

Anyway the blonde who now sat in her place assumed I was staring at her, so she passed a napkin with her number and a big ol set of lipstick impressions over to me.

"Looks like we're both gettin lucky tonight." Merle gloated.

I looked at her as I crumpled the napkin and tossed it over my shoulder, "bitch wishes," I grumbled.

The server came out with our food, and as Merle and I ate and drank, the bar grew emptier and emptier.

"Daryl Dixon, I though you had a better set of manners!"

"What?"

"That poor thing from Florid said you said she wasn't good enough for you!"

"Not what I said, but she's right."

"Shame on you for makin that poor thing cry."

"She'll get over it right quick, I recon."

"And you, Merle, shame on you running in and out of a girl's life."

"Maryanne, you know it's only you, my prison wife, and my left hand darlin."

"Merle Dixon, if you don't marry me, I'm gonna stop waitin around. Come on, baby, I can keep ya outta trouble..."

"Maybe I like trouble..."

Their conversation was cut short by a customer wanting to pay his tab.

When she returned, she looked at me. It's a good thing I'm seein double, otherwise, I'd be really upset.

"Oh, Daryl, I always hate this..." She pulled a crumpled piece of paper from her pocket and handed it to me. I knew it was from Lexi, and I knew it was bad.

"Mar, I'm gonna crash downstairs tonight. You and Merle take the trailer..."

The remaining customers went on their way and I sat and watched the remaining staff clean and close up around Mar and Merle and they got all of their foreplay in before heading home.

Before they left Merle gave me a pat on the shoulder and Maryanne gave me a premature, "I'm so sorry sweetie... You know where everything is down there."

Once they left, I made my way through the added on kitchen down to a small below ground level, studio apartment...which leaked.

I plopped down on the couch, not having the energy or desire to pull it out into a bed, and began to uncrinkle the letter.

I didn't want to read it...but I did, all at the same time. I sat and began to stare at it, trying to will it to say something good... That she loved me and was coming home.

I took a cigarette from my pocket and lit it with a red Bic that was on the table.

I started thinking back to that night, just feet from where I now sat, her pale, smooth body - her exposed cleavage and soft shoulders caressed by her soft dark hair- she was perfect. We talked all night - even after Lou's closed we sat under the stars and talked about everything and nothing.

She was funny, too. Most pretty girls aren't funny, but she had the delicate sarcasm - and when she laughed...

I didn't even try to kiss her that first night. I was too scared. We saw each other for ten days straight and didn't do nothin but go to Lou's, shoot pool, play darts, hunt. Then, this one night, she shows up with a pecan pie and a jar of moonshine. I ask her, "What's all this for?"

And she says, "Either my bakin's so good you'll wanna kiss me, or I'm gonna get you drunk and do naughty things to you. Which ever way it goes, you're gonna at least kiss me. Tonight."

I remember being so nervous and not knowin if she was jokin or serious. So I took the pie and the moonshine, put 'em both on the counter and saying, "If you're looking to do naughty things to me, you ain't got no reason to bribe me or get me drunk. I'm willin'."

"Then why haven't you kissed me, Daryl?"

"Because, I ain't good enough for you. You're beautiful and soft, and..."

The next thing I know she's kneeling on the sofa arm to match my height. Her fingers are gently caressing my face and neck and her mouth is soft and warm on mine. I pull her closer, I feel her chest against mine. She starts to kiss me harder, and her hands explore my body. I take her and gently lay her down on the sofa. I remember thinking, "shit, should we go to the bed? Or is that too presumptive?"

I'm straddling her on the sofa, and she prompts me to take off my shirt. Then, she wiggles out from beneath me, strips to a little black bra and panty set and says, "Grab a blanket!" Then runs into the woods.

I grab the blanket right off my bed and follow her out. She's standing in the moonlight. I can't help but stare at her - she just looks so otherworldly, like she belongs running naked in the forest. Part of me is so hot and turned on, I can't ignore the throbbing in my pants - I want to throw her down and fuck her - hard and primal. But another part of me wants to take her softly, gently like she's something to be honored.

Before I could think, she grabbed the blanket and laid it straight on the ground. She knelt in front of me and slowly began tracing along my stomach with her tongue while she unfastened my pants. I wanted to stop her - but I didn't want her to stop.

"I'm in love with you Daryl Dixon," she whispered, "and I want you to take me."

I knelt down facing her and unfastened her bra and slid it down her arms. I ran my hands over her body, then took her face in my hands kissed her softly.

"Lexi, I don't know what love feels like, but if I had to guess, I'd say it feels like I feel when I'm with you."

We laid there, naked, kissing, talking and softly exploring each other's bodies. Again she confided, "Daryl, I ain't never had full on sex before."

"We don't have to..."

"I want to, Daryl, I want you - here and now."

We picked up kissin again, and she guided me inside her. She shuddered and let out a slight moan. Her hold on me grew tighter and tighter and it was like we fused into one person. I wanted to cum, but didn't want this to end - I stopped a moment, but she whispered, "Daryl, don't stop, don't ever stop."

"I need to," and I pulled out of her quickly and spilled white tears into the grass.

She stared at me with those deep brown eyes. "Do you want me to go?"

I was struck with sadness and confusion. What had she been through? What did she hear about me?

"No!" I protested, "you're gonna stay right here, in my bed where I can hold you all night long."

We both shivered most of that night - I don't know why, but that was the closest I'd ever come to any spiritual experience.

And now, years later, all I have is a wrinkled letter. I wiped the tears from my eyes and unfolded the letter.

"Dear Daryl,

I'm so sorry the only way I get to talk to you is through Maryanne. As you know, since my mamma passed last year I've been taking care of daddy and, because we can't find a doctor where we are now, we're moving deeper into the heart of this city. I wish things were different, but now with this crazy flu outbreak up here, times are hard. It kills me to tell you, but I got married last Spring. I told him I'm not having any babies with him. You'll always be my first love. Maybe our paths will cross in the future, but until then, live your life. I know if you haven't already, you'll find a pretty girl to take care of you.

- Lexi"

Married. For fuck's sake... I want to marry her and she tries to off herself. She moves away and gets hitched just like that. A pretty girl. Stupid bitch... Flu outbreak? Leave the bastard to die and come back.

If I weren't piss drunk, I'd be breakin shit.

I wake up on the couch with the letter, and part of my pants burnt. Fuck...my head hurts.