The Ever Changing Me

Last couple of years plenty has changed. That’s what life does, it changes. We grow, and change. This was my kid’s assignment for school over the last few weeks. About how he has grown and changed over time. How he started from being a baby; not being able to talk, walk, feed himself to today where he’s fairly independent, and has emotions that he can express. He can express them better than most kids his age, I would say. I would say that because I’m his mom and most of his emotions are directed towards me. I would also say this because I'm his mom, and my child is smarter than yours. Always.

The purpose of telling you about Dawud’s homework was that the line about “growing and changing” was straight up plagiarism from a very competent kindergarten teacher. Sorry Sir! Next time I will give you full credit with name, and credentials.

Growing and changing has so so many different meanings to different people. To a 5 year old it simply means being able to grab things with one hand. Sounds simple and innocent. To me change and growth means being a 100 pounds lighter than 3 years ago. That kind of change is not just physical, it comes from the inside before it starts showing on the outside. I don't much care about what people get to look at on the outside. I know everyone cares a little, I'm sure I do too but I'm not worried about people’s opinions. When people’s opinion counted I didn't care about the weight. Of course, they wanted me to be prettier, who wants to look at something that's not aesthetically pleasing? I started losing the weight when I decided it was the right thing for me. My health. I wanted to take charge before it was too late. I am my best friend, my best ally, gotta watch my back, right?

We weigh people’s worth by the pound. Every time I meet someone I haven’t seen in a while I realize how “different” I look. I’m forced to admit that I “feel” different too. Because, of course, weight loss comes with so many positive changes in one’s life. Haven’t you heard, you become famous. People love you more. Also when you talk, people stop and listen. Although, if you’re a woman it still might happen less often, however, it will happen. Life will change ”for the better”.

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “so and so is getting fat”. “You need to talk to them”. This is especially true for women. We’re told It gets much harder to lose the weight later on. “Once you have kids it’s downhill from there. You lose your body completely”. I mean yeah, everyone loses a little bit of themselves as they get older and gain so much more. No one can say ten years later that they are the same person that they were ten years ago. Same goes for our bodies. Is that really a bad thing? The change is inevitable. It’s been 14 years I’ve been crying over my c-section scars. Guess what happened to them? Still there. In fact, more have been added. My weight has been up, it has been down. I have been pretty and I have been just okay. You know what? I’m still here. I’m not here because of my scarred or non scarred body or fat or non-fat body. No, I’m here because I decided to ignore all the chatter and stay. The ever-changing mind and body. The Me. The world can complain about thin people and fat people. I’m staying in my shape, however, it may get better over time.

I realize I wrote something like this just a while ago but this is different because this is about weight. This topic comes from a very different place. It doesn’t come from “sticking it to people” place. This comes from accepting the reality that the world is going to change around us and we are going to have to keep our feet on the ground solid. People are not going to approve of so many things we do, including the way we look. I’ve lost the weight now but now I’m too thin. I look ill. Yep, that’s a thing. My hair is too short and funky colors. That's also a thing. There’s no pleasing the world.

I have also said this before, there’s only one change that matters: MAKING THOSE C-SECTION SCARS GO AWAY. That’s my inner monologue, ignore it.

There’s only one change that matters: that’s constant, inside you. You will learn, grow and change. The cycle is constant. When people say to me, “you would have never done that before, you have changed”, I say, “yes, yes I have”.