25Four females

25

Four females

Twelve hours

&

Me

How to climb the

ladder to obscurity

1995

Song:- Charmless Man

Artist:- blur

Song:- Girl From Mars

Artist:- Ash

Song:- Caught By the Fuzz

Artist:- Supergrass

10/07/1995

after the debacle of my Greek tragedy earlier in the year, I had to get straight back out there on the social circuit to build up my confidence and so I did,

The summer heat of nineteen ninety five had attacked the uk population with a vengeance,

and with the lack of rain fall and temperatures of over eighty degrees Had me already sweatin my tits off before I’d got to the end of my road,

It was Friday the tenth of July and I was off to meet my brother in law Geoff, at a house we had bought earlier that year, (yes this was another in a long line of money making schemes) we were in the throes of renovating the building in the hope of renting the four bedrooms it has, and consequently making us so rich we could retire to Mote Carlo and live a life full of fast cars and fast women,

well I could at least, Geoff on the other hand had far to many commitments,

but why we would think this could possibly fucking work is anyone's guess,

Because we ain’t no fucking business men that’s for sure,

and none of my business ideas over the years have ever come off, and they only ever gave me anything but a big fucking headache and very empty pockets indeed,

money making scheme number one

Song:- Killer Queen

Artist: Queen

It all began probably in nineteen seventy five, when at the age of ten I would sell all sorts of shite over the wall of our front garden,

I would perch myself on the wall and pester the shit out of any unfortunate creature who may have been passing,

and there would be many a fucking gullible idiot who would fall for the deep blue eyes of the skinny orphaned looking urchin who was obviously undernourished and in need of a good meal (amazing what you can achieve with your mam’s make up box)

old toys, flowers, and cakes which were made by my mother, and any house old items we could get our hands on, all were sold for pennies to line the pocket of the entrepreneur boy destined for the top with riches beyond his wildest dreams,

unfortunately the well oiled enterprise soon collapsed when a home made perfume made by yours truly caused an outbreak of melting skin, now how’s a ten year old boy supposed to know that bleach is not a good base for a fragrant perfume, I was just thankful I did not add it to the homemade lemonade I was distributing,

Friday

10/07/1995

THE PORCHE

I arrived at our new project early,

eager to get a head start on the job as I needed to be somewhere else after lunch,

which hopefully involved lots of essential oils, and hopefully being naked with another like minded human,

female of course, and the name of this female would be Jaqueline,

Jacqueline was a stunning young woman of around twenty three, who I had met at a pub on the outskirts of Leigh, where I recently visited an ex who was the manager at the time, Jacqueline was one of the bar staff that served me my drink, and quite matter of factly asked me out as she passed me the drink, (a confidant girl one thinks)

the story goes while I was waiting to be served she passed comment to my ex how she fancied the young blonde chap at the end of the bar, and my ex explained who I was, sung my praises and the rest was history,

within two hours Jacqueline had finished her shift and we were both in her Porsche heading to my house in Warrington, (a posh girl wanting a bit of ruff I suspected, and I was all too willing to oblige) but before we got to my house, she pulled over into a lay-by on a dark country lane, where she had her wicked way with me, ( the filthy little swine)

we ripped each other’s clothes off, and made frantic love there and then, first in the Porsche and a second time outside on the bonnet,

not long after this adventure I was back home contemplating what Friday would bring as we had arranged a repeat performance but in the comfort of my bed with added extras,

Money making scheme

No 2

Song :- jilted John

Artist:- jilted John

In 1978 i had just turned thirteen and was on the periphery of dabbling in the opposite sex,

Overnight, girls started to become very interesting to me, and my brain could not understand this,

their conversation held me in a trance,

and I felt all warm and fuzzy inside whenever girls were around me,

come to think about it,

around the same time I seemed to be sourcing out the girls just to hang around their space, especially the really pretty girls that caught my eye,

and there was one in particular at that time, that girl was Donna Blackmore, she was a prime example of a schoolboy crush,

that was what it was known as back in the day,

technically she would be my first proper girlfriend but we drifted apart after just one week because of the fucking distance I had to travel across town on my bike every evening after tea,

and for what, just to stare at her from a distance, and the odd wave while she played with her mates,

But then there was that one steamy night, when Donna, yes my Donna came over into my space, and she bloody touched my hand, and it was so soft and gentle, and it stirred things in me that had never been stirred before, well not on such a massive scale as this ,

and then her lips brushed my lips so gently for the first and the very last kiss of this new relationship,

now it was not supposed to happen this way, we both knew the rules, my head just cannot comprehend this change in the laws of teenage relationships,

I start to dribble, while she smile’s and giggle’s, her mates also giggle, and they all skip away leaving me to explode in my pants, i then calmly ride away into the sunset with wet stained jeans, on a dodgy home made bike, I had recently constructed,

I was in a trance and have no recollection of how I got home that evening, but it was then that the idea came to me,

why don’t I repair old bikes to their former glory and sell them on, for a healthy profit,

and that’s exactly what I did, I gave up on girls for the time being, and put all my efforts into my repair shop, unfortunately the business failed after just one sale.

Now it wasn’t my fault Charlie, the new owner of the first Johnny bike decided to do a wheelie on its first outing,

ok, ok, the chain snapping and the front wheel dropping off mid wheelie may have been to do with some operational problems I was having, leading to some short cuts in productivity, due to the lack of right size screws and cogs,

so in essence putting the wrong screws and spare parts on a different make of bike, maybe just maybe added up to the lack of a front wheel, which brought poor Charlie to a sudden stop as he dropped the wheelie to the tarmac, which of course caused poor old Charlie to fly through the air like a dysfunctional angel, arms and legs flying everywhere,

and he hit a garden wall that lay directly in front of him, with his forehead leading the way

the hole it caused was a pretty fucking big one I can tell you, but not as big as the one in Charlie’s head, the blood covered much of the pavement,

I actually didn’t realise the human body could hold so much blood, on the plus side the cars behind Charlie seemed to have expert drivers, and good breaks, so a pile up was averted thus saving Charlie from being crushed to death,

Friday

10/07/95

09.00 -12.00hrs

UNREQUITED LOVE

The first I new she was there it was too late, she had me by the balls and was tugging away,

I was in mid throes of coming down onto the concrete floor with the sledgehammer i was using to demolish the floor of the lounge, in the new property we had purchased,

and the said hammer instead dropped from my hands straight onto me left foot, causing me a great deal of pain,

however this did not stop Paula, she was now all over me and ignoring the screams coming from my mouth,

I should explain that Paula was a good friend, then became my girlfriend, then Just a great friend again, but with some very nice benefits added on,

but she can turn up at places and times you just don’t expect, and right now this just happens to be just one of those times,

unfortunately I have plans at twelve o’clock, and don’t think I have got the time to entertain Paula,

Paula on the other hand never takes no for an answer,

in fact she does not take rejection at all well,

so with a glance of the watch noticing it was eight forty five, I calculate that we could slip off to my house for a friendly but passionate romp,

and I then could make my excuses and have Paula out of the back door, before Jacqueline arrives with her oils at the front. The plan was running so smoothly, the passion between Paula and i excelled in the bedroom,

and since I had my excuse of having to get back to work before twelve o’clock, we wrapped it up by 11am (two hours is quite enough for a morning quickie thank you very much) unfortunately the trouble started when I tried to exit the bed, Paula wanted to talk, and you know when a woman wants to talk you don’t get a time scale, and if you look at the fucking clock you know there going nowhere until you listen and agree on all aspects of the one sided conversation,

So I listened and I tried to take an interest ,

I looked into her eyes, like a puppy dog with a terminal illness, I nodded hopefully in the right places, and I took care to hold her hand gently, unfortunately with my mind racing behind the eyes, and since my thoughts were on other things I did not take anything in,

so I agreed to pretty much anything she had to say

and the upshot of the one sided conversation was we were now dating again,

yes we were going to give it another fucking try,

It was then I Chanced a sneaky glance at the clock, It had gone eleven thirty, and Paula hadn’t fucking moved yet, and I wasn't sure she was going to move ever again! ( hope I didn't agree to her moving in with me there and then) so i had to think on my feet, well on my back, as I hadn't actually moved from the bed yet, am idea finally came to me, as a last ditch move I invited her out for dinner and a sleep over at mine tonight, but I hinted that I had to get a move on, and get back to the job,

and with great relief she ventured to surface from the bed, unfortunately she took her smooth Shimmering naked body straight to the bathroom and locked the fucking door, my heart dropped,

Christ I hope she’s not having a shit was my first thought,

that was until I heard the shower fire up, my next thought was, for fuck sake I’m well and truly fucked! then i had a genius back of the net idea,

I ran down stairs flew under the sink and located the stopcock, and I turned off the water,

I could hear Paula dancing about on the bathroom floor before the door flew open and then slammed shut,

and then I was up them stairs like a jack rabbit, getting my complaint in first about the water going off,before she could say anything,

and luckily she hadn’t started washing her hair either, which was a fucking god send because she would have taken a decade to dry that mop, but now a dry dressed Paula was standing at the back door waiting for the obligatory goodbye kiss, which she duly got, other wise she would not have fucking moved an inch,

so with that she was gone and it was only just twelve,

Money making scheme

Number 3

Artist:- Depeche mode

Song :- just can’t get enough

After my plunge into the seedy world of window cleaning, with a northern sex addict from Leigh at the helm, I took a hiatus with friends to go on a fishing trip along the river Severn in Wales,

the trip would coincide with the royal wedding of that year, it was nineteen eighty one, and it was fucking hot,

and while lying there beside the quiet babbling tones of the river, I had an

epiphany,

I came up with a plan to set up my own window cleaning business,

and to achieve this goal I would let’s just say have to convince, or maybe manipulate several of Billy’s clients, (what possibly could go wrong,)

Well as it happens, getting the female clients on board with a new window cleaner wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, and that made me happy, as blackmail did not sit well with me,

and of course the husband’s of the women in question were likely to get somewhat aggrieved about there extra marital affairs with the local window cleaner and take it out on the messenger, but luckily none of this was necessary, as every one of the seven ladies I’d focused on were more interested in trading in a thirty plus year old window cleaner for a younger model,

and I fitted that bill perfectly, and it was not for the cleaning of windows that I was wanted, now you can be assured that my window cleaning skills were never in doubt, it was just the more mature ladies of the home were more interested in my bedroom skills, and be in no doubt I was still an amateur in that respect but was always willing to learn,

and this is what put me in favour with the seven women, and with them championing my skills to friends family and neighbours (the window cleaning skills) it would be only a matter of time till I make my fortune, unfortunately within three months into the new business I neglected the windows in favour of a more recreational sport that paid fuck all, and was very dangerous to your health,

so after that one to many mornings fleeing for my life after falling from a garage into a bush of jinny nettles I came to the conclusion, I stank at window cleaning,

and one day I may well get caught climbing through windows instead of cleaning them,

so another fail,

but I did get some contacts for painting jobs, and another idea started to form as I ran through a back street in just my boxers and trainers, and trousers flapping in the wind as I try to get them on while still on the go.

Friday🙄

10/07/95

12.15 - 16.00hrs

Skin of the teeth

Air freshener filled the air with the smell of wild berries, and me, and I was smelling of sweat and stale perfume, Clinique Happy if I am not mistaken, but happy is not what I’m feeling when the sound of a doorbell ringing echoed around the house,

and this sends me into a panic,

the fear and anxiety had my arse hole squeaking , “fuck fuck fuck” I’m whispering to myself, as I quickly straighten the bed and headed to the bathroom to fire up the shower, (it's ok I did turn the water back on) I jump in and out in a flash and threw a towel around my waist,

i paused at the top of the stairs and took in a deep breath, I get into character and amble downstairs, I casually ask through the door who it might be, and the voice on the other side replies Jacqueline, I let out a breath and open up the door and feign surprise,

Jacqueline herself looked a little surprised at my attire, maybe thinking I was somewhat over confident on the outcome of the afternoon,

but straight away I put her mind at rest, I explained that I was grafting all morning and time got the better of me, so I had just jumped into the shower when the doorbell rang, I think I got away with the story,

Jacqueline made herself at home in the back room while I made myself presentable, which consisted of an all over body wash in less than a minute, aramis sprayed all over, I threw on a paisley shirt and jeans, then a quick look in the mirror and a wink to myself on the way down,

all within six minutes,

Waist of fucking time because before I could sit down next to Jacqueline and offer hors d'oeuvres, she was straight on me, she was like a leopard on a kill, all teeth and claws, oh i did love that paisley shirt, but sacrifices have to be made,

we were in the bedroom naked within ten minutes and within twenty minutes my body was lacerated to within an inch of its life, and when we both came up for air Jacqueline asked what my girlfriends name was,

my arse fell out of my pants I can tell you,

she had caught me well and truly off guard,

and as I fumbled for words to find the right lie, Jacqueline put fingers to lips, she fucking shushed me, and preceded to enlightenment me on all of my mistakes that morning,

apparently my first mistake was to use a little white lie about working, she had called there first and found nobody around, so why lie about the reason to shower, who is this fucking girl poirot! my next failure was the bed, it stank of cheap perfume, and it was fresh,

as was the smell of female flesh apparently,

really who the fuck is this girl she’s like a fucking sniffer dog detective,

the last failure was the smell of wild berries, I had to butt in at this point, with my hands held out and with a hint of a manly roar I said “now hold on young lady what the fuck has wild berries got to do with anything”

she suggested that wild berries would not be a fragrance associated with men, especially when mixed with “Clinique Happy, no fucking way” I shouted “what are you a “ and before I could finish my sentence there were fingers on lips again, I just gave up dropped me shoulders in surrender and stopped talking,

I just stared at her while she explained how she came to the conclusion that I had a girlfriend,

and the explanation was so simple,

when I left Paula at the back door, she’d smelt a rat at being pushed out so she had just walked to the front and waited at a distance for just a short time, and on the arrival of a Porsche, the likes of which was never seen in the area I lived,

and a conversation was struck up between Jacqueline and Paula of which I i did not come out of favourably,

then Jacqueline grabbed my face in her hands pulled me to her and kissed me passionately, she bit my bottom lip so sexily, drawing blood, then slapped me hard across the left cheek, I tried to reassure her I had no ties with Paula or anyone else as it goes, but she’d gone, she just left without another word, I never saw that Porsche again, however Paula was a different kettle of fish.

Money making scheme

Number 4

1982

Artist:- madness

Song :- house of fun

As a new year got underway and yet another failed business adventure (it seems window cleaning was not for me,) I decided to try my hand at artexting,

This was a new way that people were decorating their houses back in the eighties,

it seems wallpaper has had its day,

and as I was doing a painting and decorating course and had some contacts left from the window cleaning debacle I figured how hard could this artexting lark be,

I mean all you have got to do is slap some white plaster on walls and ceilings, then make some patterns in it,

stippling I think the proper term is,

well it was a disaster from the start,

first there was the dog incident,

now I cannot really be held responsible for a little fucking yapperty yap yapping dog climbing into the mix,

and as I said to Maureen (the dog owner) shortly after the incident that little dinky (the doggy) would make a great ornament, because he set so beautifully just like a little plaster of Paris statue, Maureen was not well pleased I can tell you,

but once I had convinced her I was only joking, and washed little dinky down, I was just about able to escape the house with both ball’s and cock intact, and of course payment was not forth coming,

and I suppose I have to hold my hands up to the family who sat down for dinner, only to be covered in wet artex dropping from their ceiling, which did not dry properly, and of course it ruined their Sunday roast,

not to mention their appearances,

Julie who hired me on the advice of her neighbour, (who was a special client from the window cleaning fiasco) was not at all pleased that her two young daughters were now sporting shaved moon heads due to my apparent incompetence as a professional artexer, I tried to explain to Julie that I never professed to be an expert in such matters, but I insisted was cheap, which she was pleased with, I definitely should not have been standing so close to her while claiming no responsibilities in-fact I should have spoke to Julie on the phone thus saving a trip to A&E to get my testicles removed from my throat, she had an awesome left footed kick on her.

Friday 10/07/1995

16.00 - 20.00hrs

I sat for a few minutes in silence my head was spinning with the last twenty minutes of me my life being so confusing,

I know I don’t have a girlfriend although there is a girl who believes She’s my girlfriend,

and I know I had the potential of a girlfriend which has now been lost to me with an act of espionage by the not real girlfriend, and an act of violence by the potential girlfriend, leaving me with no girlfriend real or otherwise,

well I’m so fucking confused I can tell you m, so much so that I just had to get out of the house, retreat to a safe place to be alone with my thoughts for awhile,

and the best place for this was just a couple of hundred yards away, my local pub (the Howley) this fitted the bill just fine, so at four thirty pm I’m on my second pint, just sitting there minding my own business in the back lounge, which is empty at the moment but come six pm it will liven up with the Friday evening revellers getting out early,

and as my thoughts drift to relationships, I there and then decided to become celibate,

no more women, no more short term relationships, no more long term relationships , in-fact no more women in my life at all, I’ll take it day by day but I’m determined,

and on that decision I smile to meself and decide on a another pint,

Standing at the bar with a new found sense of freedom, I receive my third pint, and turn to return to my table, and with that turn to my right my perception on life changed once again,

because standing right in front of me was a beautiful girl, and instantly I realised I recognised this girl from way back,

she was a girl named Alison and she was once one of two stalkers I had had over the same period in time five years ago,

she instantly recognised me too and seemed quite friendly considering what we went through,

and of course I was taken aback because she had changed quite considerably, for one thing

she had filled out in all the right places and she’d turned from a girl to a woman, I was smitten, and right of the bat and I invited her to join me for a catch up, and to my surprise, she excepted the offer, even after all that we had been through,

but there you have it, the conversation was irresistibly engaging so much so we took it back to my place,

in-fact to be more precise we took it to the bedroom where we engaged in a more physical approach then a verbal,

after a hot sweaty and very physical sex session Alison made her excuses and left, I was gob smacked! what a very different person Alison was to the the young lady who was so needy and very much a nut job stalker,

Money making scheme

Number 5

This was a very ambitious business idea, and never really got off the starting blocks in fact it was just an idea we had that we thought might make us a few quid,

a new piece of technology was sweeping the world at the beginning of the eighties and in nineteen eighty three we thought we could corner the market in it,

it was of course the video recorder, and the idea very few people had cottoned onto in the north west was tape rentals, it was so fucking easy and obvious it was mental,

and with our corner shop going up for rent at the same time it just had to be fate,

but fate dealt us a cruel hand that day because the shop was mysteriously taken off the market and a couple of wide boy brothers who had a record shop spotted the market too and quickly switched from selling records to movie rentals, fucking millionaires last I heard, twats.

Friday 10/07/1995

20.00hrs

It was only seven thirty pm, and it was a warm Friday evening and already I was goosed, I was sat up in bed contemplating going back to the pub, as it was the start of the weekend after all,

but a banging a the front door change my evening completely, and i was pretty sure who it would be,

because there’s only one person that I knew who never bothered with the door bell, and that person would be Jane from next door,

And hey fucking presto there was Jane on the door step,

and just like Jane no invitation was necessary, she just bye passed me and headed to the bedroom dragging me and a bottle of white lightening behind her,

now Jane was a free spirit and we have had an understanding for sometime that if one of us was feeling a bit lonely or at a loose end we would hook up for a spot of neighbourly love, so how could I refuse, even though I was somewhat flagging, nevertheless I soon perked up from the way Jane was handling me,

that was until the bedroom door slowly opened,

and this was easily witnessed by me and Jane due to the potion we were in at that moment, which was Jane on all fours facing the door and me behind, if you get my drift, and we both were left speechless, because what we saw was a naked Paula stood there in the hall, she never spoke in words but she certainly let the two of us know what her intentions were when she joined us in bed.

Who left first I have no idea but I think I slept for the rest of that hot July weekend.

Money making scheme

Number 6

In late nineteen eighty four I had no choice but to chanced my arm at market trading, another fiasco, a disastrous calamity.

a story for another time.