29A fake priest a fake wife and a whole lot of fake guests

29

The fake wedding

Featuring

The fake priest

And a whole lot of fake guests

Featuring:-

A fake priest,

a fake wife,

& a whole lot of fake guests

2006

Singer:- Eminem

Song:- the real slim shady

Singer :- James blunt

Song :- high

The summer of 2001 would lead ta another wedding, (yes another of me own weddings) but it was, if I may say an almost perfect wedding for any respectable man,

as it involved a fake priest, fake guests and of course the obligatory fake wife, and with no chance of livin tagether ya could say I was livin the dream,

It started with a 6 month obsession between a couple, which mostly involved casual sex in an assortment of places and positions,

but the perfect relationship ended quite abruptly when the lady of the moment fucked off,

she decided it was time ta move on, in fact the move was quite considerable, as it involved a few thousand miles and a different country,

now at this point I would just like ta make it clear that I am not that fuckin bad in the bedroom that the lady in question had ta leave me, let alone leave the country,

or one hopes not anyway,

well all I can say in me defence is i have had very few complaints in that department!

not ta me face anyway,

ok so there was that situation with the jelly fish,

oh and the one where I wasn’t sure which hole I was in,

And yes of course there was that day I Just couldn’t reach the area I was supposed to,

but that was definitely not my fault!

she was a big girl , and it was like playin hide and seek, on a small hill,

then there was that girl I accused of bleedin all over the bed only ta find out it was me, and let’s not forget that the 2 lesbians were not too impressed either come ta think of it, or very enthusiastic,

lookin back on it now I was more of a spectator, than a percipient

anyway there was no need ta go and fuckin hide on the other side of the world,

So there ya have it the girl is gone, and that should have been that,

but one autumn evening in 2005 answering the phone changed all that,

Jannie was on the other end of the phone and she was back in Britain, now at this time a phone call was a pretty big deal cause

There was not much googling goin on, not on my part anyway, Facebook was in its infancy, so ta hear the dulcet tones of that Irish accent put a smile on me face, and put tingles in me fingers and toes, and an urge that ran through me groin so much, that I think I had a wide awake wet dream, and how she remembered me phone number was beyond me and I told her so,

her reply was simple and ta the point, “I checked my contacts in me mobile dickhead” “fair enough”.

now these calls went on for some months as we got reacquainted, and by Christmas a holiday was organised booked and paid for by me for June of 2006.

the reunion took place at Manchester airport terminal 2 and as we spotted each other are eyes well up, and the bags were abandoned and we ran inta each other’s arms,

Ok so it didn’t quite happen like that,

truth is she had ballooned ta such an enormous size that I asked for proof of I.D ta make sure I wasn’t bein scammed, and apparently I’d aged so much she felt like she was goin on a help the aged holiday with her grandpa,

ok ok that’s shite as well,

in fact we just air hugged

politely

exchanged some pleasantries and checked in,

Now there was some alcohol consumed on that plane and by the time we arrive at are resort we were both what ya might say in high spirits,

We had are clothes ripped off before we hit the bed and a ferocious bonding session began,

and with that the reunion was now complete,

and as Jannie slept on top of me, and me underneath and believe or not actually still inside her, (she must have been very very tired, or I may have ta raise the white flag and concede I may just be doin something really wrong?) anyhow I lay there smiling and just restin my arms under my head, deep in me own thoughts, combined with the odd thrust , just ta check she was alive and of course ta keep me hand in,

and within these thoughts and sexual arousement I came! and I also came ta the conclusion that Jannie left somewhat of a goth type girl but when we reunited she returned such a lady, very sophisticated more mature, very athletic very bendy and very fit, oh and very fucking asleep,

In the first week of are holiday we bonded many more times, and I’m glad ta report that Jannie only occasionally fell asleep mid passionate holds usually on top of me so I’m stuck in that position, with a hard on for long periods of time,

and in are limited spare time we explored the resort we were stayin, (well the pubs and clubs anyway)

on are travels around salou we met a group of workers from Ireland and hung out with them quite a bit, there were 3 lads and 5 girls ( Shane, Jimmy , and Tommy? The girls molly Bronagh Alice Emily and Charlie, and yes they were all really fuckin Irish, and if I didn’t know any better all were friends will Jennie)

they were all workin the bars and clubs tryin ta get naive punters like us ta frequent the establishment they were workin for,

there was quite a bit of banter between us and them which quickly turned inta quite good friendships,

now this could be because all the lads wanted ta get inta Jannie knickers,

as she was fit and flirty and for selfish reason I egged her on as we had only just reconnected after all,

and I was quite her equal in the flirting game, with all the girls that is,

now one night this did overflow inta the 2 of us and 2 of the workers enjoin drinks and each other on the balcony of are hotel room I think the girl was called Molly a 5 ft 2 wild girl of maybe 23 dark wild shoulder length hair with a mind of its own brown eyes full lips very curvy body breast ta die for I imagined, until the fateful night which I then confirmed my early thoughts, the lad Jennie enjoyed in the shower and other spaces around the hotel room (which can get pretty crowded with 4 sweaty bodies flying around it with so much vigour and enthusiasm,) Im afraid I cannot for the life of me remember his name, but we’ll call him Tommy as he has a significant roll later in the planning and executing of are fake weddin in fact most of these people would play significant parts in are sham of a weekend

It was Shane I think who came up with the idea of me and Jannie getting hitched in a ceremony which could be held in the grounds of the hotel next ta the pool, where there just happened ta be a stage erected, Just for the very occasion

2 days before a fake wedding.

It was like a military operation for the next 48 hours, all the girls were at it shopping in charity shops,

and of course Jennie was out hunting for somethin white, and she pulled it off like some sort of professional super shopper,

cause she had this sexy lace Full length of the shoulder piece, for fuck all money ta talk about,

and the girls faired just as well all in purple, who chose that colour fuck knows now?

but at least they were all matching

And the boys were ta be suited and booted in black,

I myself had a white cotton Moroccan type shirt with a beige linen pair of floaty trousers supported by black flip flops,

I also remember, that as well as the tin ring which would symbolised are marriage,

the matching chains with half a heart on each, to symbolise the separation of hearts,

Well that would be inevitable at the end of this charade wouldn’t it as we live hundreds of miles apart on different islands,

but of course this little piece of junk metal symbolised much more then we could know, it’s the love of two human beings bein separated from each other, but overcoming all obstacles put in their way so that their love will never die, and one day time would over come as the two are reunited as one,

and there love and hearts are complete again, and the circle of love lust and life once again explodes as they are now thrown together for eternity,

well what utter bollocks,

the 2 pieces of utter junk shaped like silver hearts turned fucking orange with rust before the week was out,

and for the forever together shite , well the day the plane took ta the skies so did the 2 of us, it was separate ways for both, and so was the hearts, each of us had forgotten each other’s names before we had landed, and as for those orange rusty half hearts,

well I don’t think they left the hotel room bin

24 hours before the day of a fake wedding

A few drinks before an early night was planned, and the first drink started at the bar where Tommy worked, and he’d only gone and told his bar manager of our next day nuptials, now this had a knock on effect, as he brought out the Champagne, albeit shitty champers, but that’s not the point, the point was the second bottle then the third and then the pub crawl with all the guys when they finished work, which had a dominos effect, where Jennie me and a couple of guest woke well after midday, as we did not get back ta the hotel till daylight and after a little bit of bedroom antics we all got some well deserved sleep, and if ya wondering it was not Tommy and molly this time, it was Bronagh and Alice , I know 2 fuckin women and yes I know that made 3 fuckin women in total, bedroom secrets eh!

but this seriously may have ruined all the plannin ta the best fake wedding on that very day.

14.00 hrs on the wedding day

The knock a the door was a surprise and a worry, what the fuck had we been upta? what the hell had we done? who did hang from the balcony naked? was this the time we may be getting evicted?

The only way ta answer these questions and many more was ta open the fuckin door, but first ta get rid of the guest or at least hide them some place in plain sight!

Blonde Bronagh hid her 5ft 8 slim athletic frame in the bath with obligatory shower curtain, (totally invisible I know,)

a place she had shared earlier in the day with Jennie with water flowing freely over the two of them, soap suds covering so much until the rinse off left two shimmering bodies enjoying each other, Alice on the other hand thought that lying naked on the bed would suffice as a great hidin place, now I know the saying, hiding in plain sight is the best policy but give me a fuckin break, I’m afraid at this point I was not the gentleman I could have been, ya see I dropped ta me knees and sobbed while praying and begging her to jump in the closet like a good girl, which she dutifully obeyed, although it was sad ta see the beautifully tanned body with all its tattoos and piercings disappear inta the dark, but needs must,

The scene was set, Jennie would answer the door in just her underwear ( what there was of them) just ta throw the manager of his game if he was in a bad mood,

The woman stood before Jannie was the Assistant manager and although Jennie standing there virtually naked in the door way did nothing for her there was definitely a stirring in Tommy’s trousers who was standing right next ta her dressed as a vicar, now if the managers eyes would have dropped to where jennies were looking she would have had suspicions about the credibility of this vicar stood next to her, but fortunately she did not, in fact she did not have the time ta say anything either as Tommy was a man full of shite,

his mouth was outta the traps from the door opening, he was explaining to us where the wedding would be taking place, the time slot of 16.00 and how generous the hotel were bein by puttin on a full spread and drinks on the house, Tommy was such a wonderful bullshitter ta get all this free

so hand shakes all around , with the manager leaving us with an invite at 15.30 in the hotel bar for pre wedding drinks,

Are 2 guest were first ta leave as they threw on there clothes with a wave and a see ya in the bar.

15.30 the wedding march

Champagne on the house for bride and groom ta be and their 9 guests, this number included some 60 year old hippie type raver, who latched onta the group while having the pre drinkypoos,

As the guest dispersed the music started ta play Tommy aka mr vicar had wired up the hotel speakers ta a big ghetto blaster he’d brought, playin the weddin march, and that was it we were on, the master plan had begun and there was no goin back, Jennie did the whole weddin march chaperoned by the hippie raver, (we thought she might as well work for her booze, the cheeky bitch) through a tunnel of flowers that the guest held over there heads lining the path ta mr vicar with his bible in hand which he must have robbed from a hotel room , waiting there patiently on the stage with him was myself,

Tommy was a fuckin natural with his Irish banter, he even had me believing that he was the real deal,

16.15 the bride and groom

By 16.15 me and Jennie were not married in the eyes of god but in the eyes of all the hotel guest around the pool who cheered when I tongued the bride we were very much married,

and most importantly we were married in the eyes of hotel management, and the pretence had ta carry on due ta the fuckin idiots believing the charade and laying on the food and drink, which Jennie and me could not afford if the whole scheme came crashing down around are ears and the bill was laid at are door, which it could well do as the evening closes in and the booze flows freely and the guest lips loosen, now are cause was not helped as management did get somewhat suspicious as father fucking vicar would not stop blessing everyone in the fuckin hotel,

and when he gathered all the guest who had attended the ceremony in a line and got us all ta rush the pool and with a whoop and a big fuckin splash close ta a dozen adults fully clothed in wedding attire landed in the pool and sank ta the bottom of the pool capsizing many kids on lilos and upsetting many parents in the bargain,

luckily tensions were calmed when father fuckin ted appeased them by inviting many ta join us for drinks at the open bar, what fucking open bar Tommy!

12.00 end of an era

The marriage crumbled not long after midnight, the party in the hotel bar though was a great success so I’m told, it was around 11pm when I discovered the advantages of shall I say the more mature mind and all the experiences it brings with it,

and as a man of not a young age myself I could also appreciate the situations people can find themselves in

so I was not the least bit surprised when my new not real wife fell inta the marital bed flapping her limbs like a sea Iion on speed, i assume in the hope of finding me,

she was in shall I say somewhat of a boozy state, so I was surprised at her reaction when she flicked on the side lamp and realised I had a 60 year old hippy raver mounted firmly on top of me,

now have ya ever seen a granny cry?, well I have, just after she dragged her fine naked body from off the floor, which is where she found herself after I must say a fabulous right hook ta the chin sending her the bed length across the room, crashing undignified inta the built in wardrobe,

as she stood holding her chin and nose I could not help but admire the wonderful body of this older woman even with all that blood cascading down between the breast bone and down to her navel, in fact I found it quite arousing until she burst out crying, which was when she dropped her hands and I realised, just as she must have, that the sucker punch that may well have disfigured her pretty face full of experiences, had also dislodged the dentures she had in her mouth sending them flyin out of her face and across the room,

and as Jennie chased the hippy raver outta the room throwing the false teeth at her head while she was running down the corridor towards the lifts, I realised just then what a fuckin great blowjob the toothless woman could have brought ta the table.

I was not forgiven for this act of kindness not even after the obligatory sympathy shag,

I think are love died that night.

Departure day

The tin hearts went in the bin

The coach trip ta the airport went in silence

The flight back ta the uk for me was fuelled with vodka and a silent ex fake wife

And my life went on as a single man

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