My life under the bumbershoot

A middle name and The lonely school disco.

1974

Artist:- slade

Song:-Far far away

Artist:-Mud,

Song:-lonely this Christmas

THE NAME GAME

It was in 1974, and I was all of nine years old, and for some godforsaken reason in them there good old days, your form teacher for the class at morning register, sporadically had to, no sorry, made you, stand up in front of all your peers and shout out your middle name, ( if you had one that is)

now our class teacher was one Mr Jolly, who was far from fucking Jolly, in fact he was downright fucking nasty,

he had a totally bald head with not a hint of shaving, and with no eye brows I figured a touch of alopecia may have set in,

and as a nine year old I would have put him at around 60 years of age, but of course he was probably only around thirty or so,

I mean as a kid we see anything over twenty years of age as very very old,

he always seemed to wear the obligatory tweed sports jacket, with elbow patches, and a crumpled plain white shirt with a bow tie which never quite looked symmetrical

every fucking day the same,

oh and let’s not forget the thick round lensed glasses that seemed to slant the opposite way on his face to the way the bow tie would be sitting around his neck

On this particular day Mr Jolly’s dark piercing eyes focused on me and his hand lifted and the long grubby forefinger of his right hand was pointing straight at me!

Jesus H Christ I’m the chosen one!

I’m the one to start this tortured process off I thought,

“Taylor” he bellowed “on your feet boy and let’s have your special middle name, the one that mummy gave you to placate your daddy but would never be used in public,”

now that’s a little harsh I thought, but of course i said absolutely nothing, i just stood there holding my buttocks tightly together so as not to shit myself, and so the Jolly man carries on with his little monologue “and loudly and precise or you will be repeating it boy till I’m satisfied that I can hear you”

“Reginald sir,” I shouted with all my heart, at the top of my voice, and as clear as possible, so that I could just sink back into my chair and forget this name and shame moment ever happened, and the jolly man could then focus on another victim,

but embarrassment shone all over my face, not because of the name, unpopular as it was in them good old days,

but just to be forced to stand in front of your class mates and shout out a name that no one gives a shit about anyway,

and it was never gonna be of any use to the fucking teacher really, except maybe to embarrass all the youngsters and keep them on their toes,

because of course that’s what teaching was all about in the early nineteen seventies, Christ you got a good slap across the head for fucking sneezing in the wrong key!

Anyway as expected and in unison all the class sniggered, but there was one boy,

well he just couldn’t help himself could he, he erupted with a full explosion of laughter, the lava dripping down his nose, his eyes streaming with so much water, you could end all world droughts,

Of course I exaggerate I know, but he was a little over the top

the bastard!

The name Reginald is not that bad anyway, but I give the teacher his due, he silenced the class by just rising to his feet,

like a god rising from the depths from somewhere only gods can rise,

he spoke to Micheal in a soft but stern voice, (that was the boy by the way, Michael brown)

and then spoke to me,

for my hurt pain and embarrassment, I was to stand next to Micheal,

and when he stands and has to shout his middle name out, I was also to laugh as loud as I could into his face, give him a taste of his own medicine he said,

great fucking idea teacher!That’s going to help the situation no end! What if he can fight better than me and what if he can run faster than me? No no, what if i cannot laugh on fucking cue?

Well no worries there, to all of the above,

as it turns out Micheals mother had obviously had a vision into the future at his birth and foresaw this situation and named him for just this occasion,

“my middle name is John sir” he shouted with a cheeky fucking grin all over his smart arse face! So who’s laughing now!

Fucking Micheal, again the bastard,

oh and all the fucking class by the way,

and let’s not forget the baldy fuck, named jolly,

well he laugh the loudest and the longest, hope you die you old fuck,

CHRISTMAS IS UPON US

some months later the festive period begins and my name and shame day is a distant memory to all involved,

it did though take a couple of weeks of torture from my class mates before it subsided, and soon after the focus landed on another child,

she had made the mistake of pissing her self after she was asked to come to the front of the class to do a maths equation on the blackboard,

well it was like Niagara, free flowin down her legs, the pool of wee, was getting so large the teacher thought about evacuation,

but as usual, like many a seventies teacher, he just gave her a solid slap across the ear hole, and I think that may have stopped the flood,

but I think with the smell that came next, there may have been a back passage explosion, Jesus the poor girl, but in them days it was every child for themselves, so fuck her,

Anyway many thanks Tracy you did me the biggest favour. So as we enter December of nineteen seventy four I have good vibes in my heart,

because as always we have the school disco to look forward to, this was always a great time for kids, well usually, you can bring in any records that took your fancy,(that’s a download nowadays by the way)

well I thought I was onto a winner here, I had the record of the top band with a number one song on the hit parade looming,

I bring out the big guns,, it’ll be lonely this Christmas the number one by mud , heart wrenching, gushy for the girls , what’s not to like, Well Micheal He definitely did not like,

so laughter all around again! For fuck sake what was I thinking,

But it’s ok though, the teacher yes Mr fucking jolly himself, Nips the laughter in the bud,

his genius fucking idea was to get me out there and show them how to dance to this mushy fucking tune, No!

Is he really gonna make me fucking dance? The answer is quite clearly yes, and to top it off with a big red fucking cherry on top, he tells me to pick the girl of my choice to assist in the dance, and then take them by the hand on to the dance floor To that classic song of my choosing, lonely this Christmas, as everyone knows boys dislike girls immensely until they reach puberty or go to high school which ever comes first, so for the jolly man to give me that ultimatum cemented my thoughts that he was a sadistic bastard,

Do you realise i died that night, dancing all on my own as expected, and relished by the jolly man, not one fucking girl would come near me, they pretended to chat to each other or turned away, but mostly they all fucked off to the toilet,

I now fucking hate that group mud, and the song It’ll be lonely this Christmas never gets played around me to this day, because at this rate, lonely at Christmas is a fucking given.

My life was hell in the build up to the Christmas holidays, yes all the fingers were well and truly pointed back in my direction, all the sniggers, the piss taking was aimed at yours truly

but I was a tad surprised, that the worse culprit was Tracy,

yes Tracy pissy knickers, well who can blame her! She’d had her day

every girl for themselves I think I heard her say.

Corporal punishment, the rat, the ice & me,

1979

The song:-Eton rifles

The artist:- the jam

The song:-Oliver’s army

The artist:-Elvis Costello

The song:-I don’t like Mondays

The artist:-boomtown rats

The song:-Up the junction artist:- squeeze

The song:-Message in a bottle

The artist:-the police

The song:-My sharona

The artist:-the knack

The song:-Into the valley

The artist:-the skids

The song:-Babylon burning

The artist:-the ruts

I DON’T LIKE MONDAY’S

MONDAY

A completely fucking shitty Monday morning, there are icicles the size of a horses cock hanging down outside my bedroom window from the dodgy guttering that has been in need of repair since the Victorian age, and

as I sat there on a blue rocking horse with a broken tail, wrapped in blankets to keep me alive, I was casually looking out of the bedroom window across the fields and football pitches situated at the back of our house, and all I could see was fuckin white,

yeah shitty white snow, covering the whole of the world, well as much of it that I could see anyway,

it was only 7.30 in the bloody morning and there were already so many idiot mums out there in minus silly degrees risking their kiddies lives,

throwing snow balls and the like,

and with all the kids in shorts and t shirts as though on the beach in costa del Benidorm at the height of fucking summer.

Also out there, was the father and son team who have been a regular fixture out on the footy fields for several years, and observed by yours truly,

the son must be at least ten years of age by now, and their regular shift consisted of son shooting at father who placed himself in goal,

I am guessing the father was looking at training his son to be a professional football player, the amount of training he put the poor boy through?

and I wonder to this day wether he ever made it in the world of football due to the amount of time they spent around them there football post,

While I am watching all this going on, my breath is freezing before it leaves my mouth, and

I suddenly realise I have to get myself dressed for school,

so it’s down stairs after a quick wash in the sink, because i had my weekly bath on Sunday,

how we did not fucking stink to high heaven with just one bath a week is beyond me today? but we didn’t,

oh and let’s not forget having to share the bath water,

being the second child I always got second dibs, so the water was not usually that dirty, although it did depend on what kind of shit our kid had been playing in Lon that particular day,

shame about are debs though, scummy cold water for being third in line, poor cow,

and with no central heating in the house, (it seemed warmth was not an essential back then,)

we relied on the wall mounted gas fires to warm the house, which gave you a kick up the arse to get your breakfast down pretty fast and fuck off out of the house for the two mile trek to school to warm yourself up,

and don’t think you’d ever catch a ride to school from your parents, because firstly there would only be one car per household if you were lucky, and if you happen to be stupid enough to ask for a lift, then the whole family would role around the floor in stitches, followed by get to fuck ya fucking pansy, from your dad,

todays trek though maybe a bit more of an expedition through ankle deep snow and an ice skating surface on most pavements and roads,

and as I take my first step out into the arctic circle

I promised myself I was not going to fall, slip skid or slide, like some knobheads making tits of themselves on there own adventure’s

no I shall concentrate, take my time, looking out for danger at every corner and every obstacle that may lay ahead, i’m no fool I thought,

I shall get to school in one piece, and achieve the impossible dream, in impossible circumstances,

and I did just that,

I triumphed,

and I was proud of myself,

and as I walked through the school gates, I punched the air with joy and fucking frost bite fingers,

but who cares I made it in one piece and I’m ready for whatever the day may bring.

Unfortunately it did not bring what I was expecting,

which was double English, R.E, and art,

no the day took an unexpected turn for the worse before I’d even got into the bloody school building,

I was jus one step from the side door to the corridor of my school,

now what happens next is so un fucking fair,

I am still seething about it to this day,

as I say I was just decending on the side door when I hear a yell from a man known as the headmaster,

he screams ”you boys to my office now”

I turn my head as my left hand reaches out for the handle of the door, which will ultimately lead me to the safety and warmth of the school’s main corridor, but that glance backwards was my down fall,

why the fuck was I so curious, because what I saw was two other boys snowballing and destroying the garden that stood between the door I was holding, and the door some two hundred feet in front of me where the headmaster was standing,

again he shouts, and my ears prick up when he screams “you three boys stand outside my office and don’t move till I have severely dealt with you”

Now I only remember seeing two boys,

my eyes are scouring every inch of that destroyed garden to find the other culprit,

he was not there, there was no one, oh fuck who could he mean? well the fucking finger of fate sealed that deal,

the six ft six inch monster of a man with a head as red as a fucking beetroot was standing very tall in the doorway,

while the two guilty boys shuffled up to to him, hands well and truly stuffed into their trouser pockets, and their heads hung so low, their chins are almost touching their chest,

The head masters left hand on his waist like a tea pot, but his right arm stretch out Strong,

his hand was in a fist with just his one long finger pointing directly at me , “you boy get here right now” he screamed, “I will not tell you a third time”

well the blood drained from my body and my bottom hit the floor, I would have pissed myself but it was far too cold for me to actually pass urine,

“I am an innocent man” I protested to Mr Martins (the headmaster) while he continued to lecture the three of us as we lined up against his office wall, and just to the side of the door leading to the chamber of doom, that I’m sure we would be entering soon enough,

we were also on clear view to any other pupil who fancied a good laugh at three boys tortured and tormented,

so you can imagine there was a great turn out of pupils lapping up the fun,

and you always get the fucking bookworm prefects milling around there, pointing and shaking their heads in disdain just for some extra browny points,

and the gossip central secretary’s have a field day with there Chinese whispers reaching every corner of the school,

while we poor innocent children, (well one child at least was fucking innocent) have to just stand there and take it,

Well no more, I will have my say,

“sir I do not even know these two”and I gestured to the boys with a wave of my left hand “I had only just arrived at school I added” in my defence,

“oh is that right” he bellowed “so you arrived after the bell did you boy” and with that he pointed to his office, and I was marched in there with his hairy fucking claw on my right shoulder,

Whack! the sound of the third and final strike of the cain came down to hit through the palm of my right hand,

the force was unbelievable but the pain was minimal as the hand was so numb from the last two strikes, as Mr knob head literally jumped to get some serious height and a good swing,

an obvious technique taught on his level five technical course,

Nowadays you go on health and safety courses to make your work place safe,

back in the day I suggest teachers went on cruelty courses level one two & three depending on the favoured type of punishment you would like to dish out,

our Mr fucking Martin had obviously worked his way up the ladder one thinks, he had achieved management cruelty level five,

which I believe is a mash up of all levels, but death was of course frowned upon even unintentionally, ( I heard you could get suspended for an unexplained death in class)

Now this is where it gets interesting,

I am dismissed from the torture chamber with knobeads voice echoing around my head, I have no idea what he is saying as I was still looking for my fingers, which I presumed had scattered all over his fucking office floor,

anyhow I end up at my form room just in time for my form tutor to mark me absent, so as I walk through the classroom door, more humiliation ensues, “Master Taylor welcome,

so kind of you to join the class” the sarcastic Mr Blackmore (an old school old bastard from a private school, who had no choice but to see his days out at a comprehensive for some seedy deeds from his past) he continues with his screeching at me (so uncouth for a snobby teacher one thinks) “please stop right where you are and face the class”

oh here we go, I am only thinking that more torture is not what I need just now, humiliation will do,

“Taylor as you can see by the faces of your contemporaries, we are all so intrigued as to why you see fit to join us at your leisure, while as you can see before you, they ( and the prick fans out his arms to the class) all arrived on time”

“Well Mr knobead two, I was framed and nearly decapitated by the despot of a headmaster, after doing fuck all! I arrived to school fighting through a fucking blizzard like a good boy,

Just so I could then be lectured in front of my schoolmates and the sexy Alison that I was hoping to ask out one day”

but with the reaction I see from her wetting herself with laughter I will probably have to give that a wide birth,

that would have been the cool thing to say,

but all I could muster was a mumbling sorry, and for this I get a fucking weeks detention and so much homework that I won’t be leaving fucking school till my late twenties

I tried to protest to all the writing he had piled on me in the form of homework, due to the hand injury I had acquired by a member of the faculty,

his reply came fast and venomous

“boy lets be honest now, you are left handed are you not, so let’s double that home work for misleading the teacher”

fuck me there must be a school policy to make sure you don’t deform the writing hand of the pupil you wish to deliver pain to,

and then to retop the morning off (and should I say it was still only 9.30am,) Mr knobead two declared the school was closing as the heating system had gone down, and all pupils were to fuck off home immediately, (and there you have it right there, level six in teacher cruelty, how to inflict and cause chaos to the masses, send all the kids out of school to there on devices without notifying anyone)

LATCH KEY KID

Well you’ve got to be fucking shitting me! if it wasn’t for this awful artic weather I would not have taken so much care with my assault on the streets of Warrington, so therefore I would have been early for school,

and none of the last half hour would have ever happened, but i have to look on the bright side, no school for today and probably none all week,

so the rest of the day can only get better,

I mean what possibly could go wrong,

So I leave the school grounds with Mark and Daren and of course a shit load of books in my rucksack supplied by knobead two,

we decide to take the scenic route home, through a gully Just across from the school and down along the Blackbear canal, (a very old and dirty overgrown kind of canal that leads onto other waterways,)

and like any 14 year olds we’re just strolling along shooting the breeze, kicking our heels, throwing snowballs, just taking our time along the canal, when Darren spots something small and fury scuttling across the iced covered canal,

well as teenagers what’s better than chasing a creature across a frozen piece of water,

So that’s exactly what we do,

well let’s get it right, thats what I do because Mark and Darren decide to stop and sensibly test the ice that is formed across the canal which was fucking solid, and I told them so as I cruised at full speed across the ice road,

and by then I had already made it to the middle of the canal, and I was gaining ground on the now identified rat, but that’s where it all comes crashing down,

literally

because when I heard a crackling noise it gets me thinking that maybe I should reassess my position,

and that is when I come to a complete stop, and as I look down, slowly I witness the ice starting to crack, I look back up wide eyed with beads of sweat appearing on my forehead, I stare opened mouthed at the rat, and it seems to stop and look at me, and I’m sure the little fucker smiles and winks before turning and strolling off with a swagger,

and when I turn to the boys they are on safe ground both also opened mouthed gesturing for me to get back to the side, well it was too late for me,

I drop like a sack of coal straight under the ice, my back pack luckily for me was on one shoulder as i sank faster than Usain bolt out of the blocks, but I bobbed straight back up in a second as my rucksack caught on the side of the ice, and I just grabbed hold of that side of the ice where I went down,

now a hero was made that day because Mark had started to shuffle across the ice which was pretty solid in most places and grabbed my arms and pulled me up and out, I was quickly on top of the solid ice, flopping about on my belly like I dying fish flip flopin about on a boats deck

but the ice held, Mark shuffled back and I managed to get back onto the top of the ice and scuttled to the edge and onto terra firma,

well I say dry land it was shitty wet snow,

Adrenaline must of kicked in though because I did not feel the cold at all,

the walk home was at least another mile, and with the wind chill it must’ve been minus fucking ten degrees, and the last part of my journey was all on my own some as Mark and Daren had made It to there place of residence,

so now I was on a lone crusade to get back home,

and with every step of the last ten minutes walking it got harder and harder,

and that was because literally my clothes were getting stiffer and stiffer, none of my joints could move and I was walking like a stiff mannequin zombie rocking from side to side,

as I reach my house I decide to enter from the back lane so I can strip off my sodden dirty uniform on the back door step, thus leavin no trail of snow, water or shit stains through the house,

and there would be no evidence for my mum to find out of my shenanigans,

I could have my clothes off and in the washing machine and up stairs before my mum woke from a deep sleep after her night duty at work,

being on nights, my mother was regular as clock work, bed by 8.30am,

I’m stripped to my underwear in a matter of seconds,

and as I take my first step into the kitchen from the back door, school uniform clutched to my naked body, I sensed something very different,

and that would be the sight of the fifteen year old lad sat in a night gown at the kitchen table, he had combed back wet hair, a glow and a smile on his face, and he was sat at my dining table with a full cooked breakfast in front of him,

and he was making quick work of that breakfast I can tell you,

and for the first time in living memory my mum was wide awake and on her feet before lunchtime ,

she was standing there cross armed and cross legged leaning against the fucking washing machine, watching me enter semi naked,

“look what I found” she says I had to put him in the bath, (what a fucking cheek I thought, I only get a bath on Sunday’s ) she had only gone and stumbled across the boy me and are kid were hiding under our beds for the past week,

story to be continued there one thinks.

TUESDAY

I’m sat on a blue rocking horse, with a broken tail, wrapped in blankets looking out the bedroom window towards the fields and football pitches, thinking about next Monday, when school re opens, I have no books I have no home work and I’m grounded till my 25th birthday,

so all I have to look forward too is a little bit more corporal punishment from knobead one and knobead two,

still it could be worse, at least it’s stopped fucking snowing.

MENAI STRAIT

MAY 1979

Artist:- Hersham boys

Song:- Sham 69

Artist:- Eton rifles

Song:- The Jam

Artist:- One way or another

Song:- Blondie

MIDNIGHT TREATS

MAY 1979

It was an eye watering eye opener for me, and I fancy it was to all the boys at the soirée, but I feel it was a bigger shock to all the girls as they sat there in there night wear salivating,

we’ll get back to that in a short while, but for now let me take you back to just an hour before.

JUST BEFORE MIDNIGHT

it was just before midnight that a group of horny fourteen year old boys scoured the halls of the Menai straits activity centre in search of their female counter parts for a good old teenage pheromonal midnight gathering,

our leader for the evening was a lad named Ian,

now Ian was a charmer,

and at the ripe old age of fourteen he had the most active sex life that I had ever come across, but as I had never come across anyone of my age with an active sex life,

I may well of just been a fantasist,

but Ian surely did have a way with the girls, and everyone of these young girls he dated a stunner to boot,

A funny thing though, all of the girls he went out with seemed to be the girls that I had a crush on at any given time in my short sexually motivated life,

which was pretty much really most of the third form female population to be honest,

in fact I sometimes wondered if Ian had a pathway into my mind, and procured my private thoughts attaining to my female interests,

so I had taken to wearing a trilby hat from the age of fourteen in the hope that he would not be able to penetrate the wool felt material it was made of,

and of course I just like wearing the thing, I’m sure it set me apart from all the other guys, unfortunately it may have been a deterrent for most of the third form girls,

Craig second in command was in charge of the smuggling operation as he was apt at thievery and deception,

and of course the most popular contraband that fourteen year olds had discovered in the late seventies were cigarettes and alcohol, and getting this past the teachers charged with the group’s welfare was going to be no mean feat, but it was achieved with such aplomb by Craig

So the scene was set for a once in a life time night to remember, and I was chosen to be apart of the ensemble to participate in such folly,

A STOLEN KISS

MARCH 1979

William past me the bottle one more time, he did not trust Wayne, his reasoning behind this was that Wayne would likely drink the lot if he got his hands on it again,

now I was not keen to take the bottle again as I already had two swigs of this lethal brew,

God I did not realise that woodpecker cider was so potent,

but as peer pressure was at large here I soldiered on and took another swig,

and I can tell you right now that after a couple of minutes I was floating on air,

well I never had a feeling like it,

I gained so much confidence, in such a short time,

so much so that I decided right there and then that we should leave the bin shed we were occupying immediately, and go on to join the girls who were just sat around gossiping down our backs, ( the backs is what we called the back of the houses, some call them gully’s) and there was a reason for this move from the bin shed,

you see there was a young lady name of Jackie that I had a crush on, and for some reason I had found the confidence to approach her that very evening,

and that is exactly what I did,

I strolled up to her head held high, all 5ft 2 of me,

and after a bit of what I now know as flirting, we kissed,

and it was a grown up kiss with tongues and everything,

fire works exploded in my head and groin, a wet patch emerged around the crotch area of my Levi 501s, but as soon as it started it was over, and I then felt a little bit queasy, so I did what any young whipper snapper would do, I took to my heels and ran off, I ran as if my life depended upon it,

ok I say ran, it was more like a hop skip and an all fall down, but fortunately I made it home safe and sound,

and by then I had a funny feeling in my tummy, it was warm and fuzzy, but I also felt the need for the companionship of a toilet,

but first I had to negotiate my way past the lord admiral of this property, my mother,

Acting as sober as I possibly could, I marched on, straight through the lounge, and I think at some point I saluted my parents and said something like anything good on the tele, I didn’t wait for an answer I just left the room as quickly as I possibly could,

and at that point I thought I had achieved my goal because

I got into the bathroom,

but a school boy error caught me out, I neglected to lock the door,

and while I was sat on the edge of the bath trying to get my bearings my mum burst in through the unlocked door, and in a raised but calm voice she says “I could smell your breath a mile off you stupid stupid boy” (nobody told me that you could smell alcohol on one’s breath) her follow up line was, as she approached me and knelt directly in front of me and looked me straight in the eyes and her mouth started moving,“Have you been drinking” and as she waited for an answer, I sat there on the edge of the bath, swaying to and throw like a pendulum thinking what a stupid fucking question,

but before I could say a word, I vomited, I vomited like niagra falls on a windy day,

and the target for this particular day was my mothers head, and as she moved back to escape the down poor, another out pour left my mouth and headed straight for her midriff,

she was covered,

and I was astonished that so much could come from such a little body,

I quickly adjusted myself and wiped my mouth with the swipe of my sleeve and answered her last question with a simple “no I have not”

at this point I should have ran, as it took the now demonic devil of a mother no more than a second to recompose herself and have me lying face down like a beached whale in the bath, my head held by my hair with her left hand,

while her right hand masterfully reach for the shower head and had the taps on in a flash ( now you have to realise this was a late seventies shower, which composed of a long rubber tube splitting off into two thinner rubber tubes, each tube connected to each tap so the consistency of hot and cold water was variable,

so the screams I let out that evening were from fear of drowning, from hypothermia from the ice cold tap, and last but not least from the third degree burns I received from the immersion heated hot water tap,

Christ on a bike I thought, good job I was her favourite child,

GROUNDED

STILL MARCH 1979

Two days it lasted,

being grounded was hell on earth in the seventies,

no fucking twenty first century comforts,

infact no fucking central heating in our house,

so no heating in the bedrooms, which meant you immersed yourselves in mountains of second hand blankets you had on your bed , (no fucking quilts around our house either)

my sad face melted away any evil left inside my mother, and the fact I had icicle’s hanging of my eye lids helped somewhat, so she let me off my prison sentence early, and I was allowed out, on probation of course, which I would take anytime,

and the first thing I had to clear up was, does Jackie and I stand a chance of a life together in this modern world,

I really did have to find out where I stood with Jackie, our last meeting ended quite abruptly,

so I left quickly by the back door into the back yard where my ride was waiting, I hopped on to my pink chopper, ( it got nicked and I got it back sprayed pink, and a shit job of spraying it was) and I peddled for dear life the two streets to where Jackie lived, and by the time I arrive I surmised she would be hanging out with our mutual friends,

and as I turned the corner into Jackie’s street, I sat proud on my pink chopper, wearing my fake leather jacket with the collar turned up, a mop of brylcreamed strawberry blonde hair, and a smile, there she was waiting for me, I wish, but as our eyes met she smiled at me, I got an instant hard on and a wet patch again at the crotch of my 501s,

I spoke briefly to her best friend and mediator to arrange for Jackie to come around to my house the following evening for a date night as my parents were at work on a night shift ( parents were allowed to leave minors at any time they needed in the seventies as we weren’t fucking pussy’s)

DATE NIGHT

I am sat on the settee within touching distance from Jackie, I was on the right and she was on the left,

but there was a couple of problems on the evening of our date night,

one of them was sat in my mothers favoured chair,

Ian fucking charmer, Ian was a neighbour of Jackie’s, and he had deemed it only right to invite himself,

now if I did not know better this could mean only one of two things, he himself had assignations on my desirable Jackie, or he was here solely to throw the proverbial spanner in the works,

or there maybe a third,

as a supposedly good mate he knew I have never had a real grown up date,

so maybe he was here just to take the piss and share my failures with the whole of the third year,

I knew I had to gain the upper hand, and take full control of this situation,

I would show the charming fucking Ian what I’m made of, and Jackie would be swept of her feet, and she would be begging me for more,

there was just one small problem with my hypothesis, I was fucking terrified,

my mouth was like fucking sand paper, my throat felt swollen to the point I could not speak, I had beads of sweat running like a dripping tap down my forehead and into my eyes temporarily blinding me,

I was frozen to the spot, I have yet to speak to Jackie since she sat next to me,

and believe me twenty minutes is a fucking life time for a fourteen year old sat rigid next to a girl,

but pretty soon I was to have an explosion of courage and I lifted my left arm, (this was a move I read about in some teen mag,)

I wanted to put the said arm around Jackie and pull her to me so she could snuggle and put her head on my shoulder, the problem here though was I got stage fright half way through the manoeuvre, and was now sat next to Jackie sweating and shaking with my arm in the air , and I promise you I could not move for a good five minutes, in the end it was gravity that forced onto me the next step of my romancing,

you see my arm could not take any more, so it dropped and hit Jackie on the head and then found it’s home around her shoulder,

result I thought, now for the kiss,

I gave it another ten minutes or so to let my arse stop twitching, and gain some composure, and then I was ready,

i puckered up and turned my head to face Jackie, she looked at me and started to open her mouth, and I went in just as charming Ian had a fucking blow out,

the most terrifying fart I’ve ever heard, and with this Jackie turned her head, and I ended up with a mouthful of auburn hair and a tongue way down a girls ear cavity, now ear wax does not taste good,

at the same time Jackie screamed, then flipped her head releasing my tongue and knocking me backwards, and the whole episode had charming Ian in fucking hysterics, but at least it broke the ice,

Ian soon left after that, he had his story for school the next morning, and I was left with Jackie, we kissed giggled and snuggled, and I walked her home and I’m afraid that was as far as our relationship went,

IT COMES TO QUICKLY

MAY 1979

We waited and waited, and then we got the signal from Craig that the six formers who were our chaperone’s on this weekend trip were all well and truly tucked up in their beds, and by now the teachers who were the responsible adults on this educational trip to wales were pissed and partying in their own quarters,

and so the party was definitely on, Ian took the lead and six of us followed,

their was myself of course Craig, Willie, Mark and Darren, who always come as a pair, mark and Darren were the schools laurel and hardy,

and at the rear was

Another Iain same name spelt differently,

and he was a handy lad,

some say the hardest lad in the third year,

some fall on the side of another, a lad named Tony,

and this argument would one day be resolved before the two lads leave school to embark on adulthood,

but for me I go with whoever wants to be my friend, and for some reason Iain took a shining to my trilby hat,

so taken in fact the hat was on his fucking head at the time of our assault on the girls dorm, which I took as an omen for failure, well failure for myself, as I was hoping to impress another lovely girl,

Joanne was a beautiful looking girl short brown hair, pixie style big blue eyes, she was small in stature, but who was I to complain, with a nickname like Tid Taylor,

you could take an educated guess, I was a short arse at this time,

luckily time was kind to me and in adult life I shot up to an extremely tall five foot eight inches in heels.

All seven of us were on our knees for the most dangerous part of this crusade,

we crawled slowly under the window of the teachers quarters,

but there was really nothing to worry about, as we all quickly realised that all the teachers were to busy having their own soirée,

but Willie just had to take an unnecessary chance,

he had to go and take a peek, putting the fear of god into all of us,

but he soon reported back that Ms Makin had the best pair of tits he ever did see,

which is not much of a bench mark as I don’t think he had ever seen a pair of tits in his life, well not since he was sucking on his own mothers for nutrition,

never the less six more heads shot above above the parapet, putting at risk the rest of the nights shenanigans,

but it was so worth it,

and some years later I would see more of Ms Makin than I ever thought possible.

Finally we arrive at the garden of Eden, and to a warm welcome from the girls I might add,

now several girls in night wear to eyes so young was a sight to be seen,

you really did feel you had died and gone to heaven,

now I have no idea who’s idea it was, but while we were all sat around in a circle chatting giggling and drinking, it was suggested we play truth or dare with consequences,

of course there’s always fucking consequences, and the consequences were how shall I put it, well a little saucy,

so much so that I thought to myself I better take on board more woodpecker, and as I looked for the bottle of inspiration, another school boy error occurs literally straight after this thought came to mind,

but it was not made by yours truly, thank god,

it happened as I attempted to retrieve some of the special looney juice, just for dutch courage of course,

you see I needed to speak to Joanne, but I could feel myself freezing up,

so the hard man Iain noticed I needed help, and he held the very thing I sought, so as he stood to pass me the bottle of cider he was in possession of, the giggling girl that sat to the right of him tried to pull him back down,

but as he had only pyjama bottoms on, the fragility of said garment did not hold up to such a slight tug, and within the blink of an eye they were resting on his ankles showing all he had to the world and more importantly to the crowd that circled him,

The girls sat motionless mouths opened, and eyes on stalks, and the boys did not laugh at Iain, not for the sake of injuries that may have occurred if we found anything funny,

More for the fact that we to sat open mouthed,

While Iain in his element smiled and raised his arms in triumph, for he stood there legs apart with the most impressive hard on any fourteen year old could ever possess,

and without theatrics he took off my trilby and bowed to his audience.

I lost interest in Joanne at that moment as I could see she had other things on her mind, and I doubted that I would get any coherent conversation out of her anyway,

Year four has to be better? I need to grow up

the clash, my first gig and a token punk

1980

Song title. :-Janie jones

Song title :- Stay Free

The band:- The clash

The sixteen tons tour arrived in Manchester on Sunday the third of February and on the fourth of February nineteen eighty, nine days before my fifteenth birthday I would be joining that tour for one night only,

and it will live long in my memory, as it was the most important musical colourful sound sensation I have ever had,

and as a teenager I was entering the Manchester Apollo to see the most exciting group that I may have ever seen in my young life.

Now I may not be able to stick to that statement forever but then again maybe I can, because there have been many a great gig over the years that followed, but fucking hell! It was just a fucking amazing collaboration of musicians, a stage full of presence, being the rock stars they were and were born to be, in my head I can here the Drumming drumming , drumming .... tommy gun!

The clash at their finest, and believe me, a close up gig like this, with a formidable band like the clash, you will not see the likes again in a long time.

Sunday

It was quite a chilly evening, and I was making plans with my mates to meet up at The borough arms tomorrow night, to have our two pints of golden (a lager bottle mix) and play space invaders on the table top arcade game that was strategically placed into the corner of the pool room, which was just about big enough for one pool table, and wall mounted seats around the walls, granted you had to use smaller pool cues to take a shot as the walls were a very big obstacle, and if you were sitting around the table you would have to put your feet up to let a player pass or take a shot yes it was a very small room, a snug if you will, with a pool table shoe horned in, but the clientele would not have it any other way,

although we were just fifteen and sixteen years old, me and the lads were regulars in the local pub , it was our kind of youth club and being punks we were welcomed with open arms, as it was that kinda pub,

the landlord and landlady were ex C.I.D and were of the mind if we were in there pub we were off the streets and causing no trouble,

others would see it with a different perspective just filling there pub with youths, so it was packed every night which had the knock on effect of them making a fucking killing at the till, my drink of back in the day was a pint of golden and at forty nine pence a pint, and with only being able to stomach maybe two pints, I can assure those people they were definitely were not making their fortune off me,

after my second pint of the evening I had that warm feeling, and a little tipsy to boot, so it was time to go, and with a promise to meet up with friends here tomorrow I was off to my bed early,

I did after all have school tomorrow.

Monday afternoon

A brisk walk from school in the chill of the afternoon would have me ready for a good tea and a trip down to the pub for a game of squashed up pool, but as you’ll see that is not quite the way my evening went.

Later that day

It was early evening at 102 gorsey lane, the house that I was as born, where everyone was settling down for tea, when out of the blue a frantic banging took place at our front door, it was spud the local punk, and a very good friend of our kid, (Dwayne)

he rarely stops by but he did seemed to be in a state about something,

now spud was an excellent punk and was so committed that he decided at a very young age to become a practicing functioning heroine addict once he had passed his A levels, which by the way he did pass, and he did commit to heroine, and as far as I know he still is very much committed

He was in some sort of a hyperactive state speaking quickly wanting our kid to go to a gig with him, and this being a clash gig and a free ticket to boot, who would not jump at the chance to be there, well are Dwayne of course, for reasons I don’t know or I have lost in the depths of my memory, so I was the chosen one, I got to go,

At just short of fifteen years of age this would be my first ever gig, and it would not be some shite pop sensation, woop de doo, band, so thank you Dwayne ,

a group of us caught the train, a twenty minute journey to Manchester Piccadilly,

i was so obvious the youngest of are group on that train, but the way we looked and the colours we wore know one would have been able to guess anyone’s age never mind our sex, the train arrived with plenty of time for drinks before a stroll to the venue, but once we arrived at the venue the rest was history, ok so it was my history,

at the time the attire I was wearing to me was revalutionary, just a little bit special, with a Johnny twist

I wore a trilby, pinstriped trousers braces and the custormised dodgy paint tattered shirt, let’s not forget the knee length Crombie coat with a bright red inlay and chest pocket, I was the fucking dogs bollocks, spot on for a clash gig,

The Apollo was awash with punk and fanatic fans, the dream was being lived, the space was dripping in sweat smoke, lager and other substances that I would not understand until later in my youthful life,

the guitarist bellowed, the drums ripped at my ears , and the fucking voice of a man, who sweated buckets for his craft, man this was impressive, but Mick jones with his harmonies were just breathtaking,

Jannie jones and many more quality tunes belted out from that stage,

This was this the best night of my young life so far, Yes it was! Was joe strummer the best front man of his generation? Yes he was! Was I going to school the next day, Yes I was! is this the end of the dream,Yes it is.

A night of passion but am I still a virgin

1980

The album:- Hunky dory

The artist:- David Bowie.

Featured song :- kooks

THE BEGINNING

I remember It was a long hot summer, and the heat intensified I think maybe around August, but this year in particular was ingrained into my heart and soul, not for the weather but for something on a completely different level for a young vibrant virgin,

yes it was definitely nineteen eighty and life would take off like a jet plane.

I was a mature fifteen and a half years old ( the half is very important as a teenager)

I was sure I knew just about everything there needed to be known about anything in life,

and I thought I had done just about everything there needed to be done,

and of course I had seen absolutely everything that needed to be seen in the world, and my primary knowledge of the world came as a result of the emergence of the home video recorders, which had become a visual revolution in the late seventies

and the fact that my parents rented one from radio rentals helped bring the culture of this great world into our living room, well mostly American culture, in fact more like American movie fiction really, with movies like Lemmon popsicle, the warriors, porky’s and many many more, ( please feel free to look them up these were the movie we teenagers lived for)

ok they maybe more of a sexual and violent culture, but none the less a wider view of the world was taken on board by yours truly ,

so life was good and was about to get even better, or was it,

it was a Saturday afternoon, and our kid had informed me that there would be a small gathering the following weekend at our house, which meant a full on sex drugs and rock n roll house party, because as usual our parents were spending the weekend in Wales with friends,

But don’t worry, it was ok

back in the good old days, parents could just fuck off and leave their kids whatever the age you were, apparently there was a policy somewhere on this subject,

back at the beginning of the nineteen seventies I remember my Friday evenings consisting of pop and crisps, with my brother and sister, all of us sat in the back of the car, in the local tavern car park, while the folks were merrily getting pissed inside the pub,

then at a particular age of the parents choosing, all kids progressed to being allowed to stay home alone with, yep you’ve guessed it pop, that we got from the pop van man that would visit our street on a Friday morning ( cream soda was my favourite of the day , wouldn’t clean my toilets out with it nowadays,) we would be given cash to visit the local shop on the corner to get crisps, also other goodies were acquired if we managed to pilfer them, and we were allowed the TV till ten o'clock in the evening, which was a joke because the parents never arrived home before midnight,

and so we always scared the shitting life out of ourselves by watching the late night scary hammer house movie ( usual Dracula or Frankenstein’ ) that was the obligatory movie on Friday nights, but we always woke up in bed and our parents were always there safe and sound,

THE PARTY

So as the evening closes in so do the party people, now I could go on about how great the party was, and give you an in-depth blow by blow record of what went on,

and how we laughed and danced the night away, but I cannot do this,

i’m afraid I have only one memory of that night, and that memory led to my first proper night of passion , ( before I collapsed behind the settee, )

you see I was given a bottle of martini to look after by this lovely older woman,

I guess she was maybe sixteen or seventeen years old, she had travelled from London just to be at this party, or if memory serves me right she was a cousin of one of our kids mates,

well this older woman

came sauntering over in her outlandishly blue see through gauze top, and tight white leather trousers, her very dark wavy hair dropping to shoulder level, and big blue eyes that pierced right through to my heart, I heard her say to me,

Jon my love I am going to have you tonight, you will be mine, and I will take your virginity big boy,

but then reality kicked in, and as I focused on her veluptious deep red lips that were actually moving,

and what she said was “oi mate, fucking put that somewhere safe, (the martini ) till I get back from snogging that geezer over there”

so I did, the fucking lot went down my neck, take that you bitch, you’ve just broken my fucking heart,

Not so long after these events, the room started to go a little hazy, I pass from room to room, attempting to crash off every wall, which I did with great success, with my final destination being the front room of my house,

but yet it was now not my front room, it seemed to have metamorphosed into a space capsule,

from out of space,

and I was somehow the captain in the midst of a space war with the crazy master of the the universe ‘my little pony’,

not the best name in the universe, but I hear his parents had such a sense of humour, that is before he had them executed!

Now, I board my space bike ready for war, but as I was about to take to the skies, whack,! something hit the back of my head, (a pillow I was to learn later,) which on impact knocked me sideways off the back of the settee, (which was where I had perched myself ) I bounce straight out off another wall, shaking me back to reality, and I found myself at the back of the settee, head spinning, eyes glazed over, at one with the butterflies and twittering birdies,

as I gather my thoughts and try to assemble some sort of sense to it all, I realise that the whole space trip thingy was just fucking that, a trip,

an artificial trip from some knob head who probably spiked the martini to get into the sexy girls pants, and while I was alone in my jumbled up thoughts a face appeared right in front of mine, smiling, with her voluptuous red lips asking questions? “ are you ok “ it’s her she’s back! and she’s not a mirage, I was just off my fucking cake on martini and anything else provided by the party people, “yeah I’m good” I answered, followed by , “so what’s your name then” “Dee,”she said smiling at me,

now Dee as I have already reported, is a girl from London who was so fucking hot, and she is smiling at me, and only me,

I must’ve looked so fucking hot myself, with my once perfectly brill creamed hair, which was now unfortunately matted to my face, that coupled with the trail of vomit descending from the nose down to my midriff, I guessed I probably didn’t look my best, but I hoped still to pull off the handsome happy go lucky persona,

I was hoping though that the wet patch around my groin area would be martini and not piss,

I think all in all though, it was going well enough, now to the serious question,

Should I ask this babe out,

Sometimes in life things just go your way, and sometimes they just don’t, well on this day I am favouring the former, as the stunning brunette said yes to a date when I asked if she would like to meet up sometime,

but we both agreed that I should maybe keep my bladder under control when we next meet up,

for one thing it would be totally embarrassing, and for another, she said she would cut off my balls and stuff them so far down my throat that they would stick out of my arse like piles on a good day.

THE DATE

My palms were sweaty, my head was racing, in one hour my date with the fabulous Dee would begin, now how should I play this, she would be arriving at my house for six pm and as my parents were once again in Wales, (actually I think they took up residence there and just forgot to tell us,

and they just popped back on a Friday to drop off pop and crisps, not realising we’d progressed to lager, martini and the odd party, although I’m sure they would guess soon enough as there was not much of the house left standing)

The doorbell rings and the nausea begins, (come on Johnny what could go wrong? ) it’s just a date, a drink, some gourmet food, and the love of a special woman,

I move towards the front door,

and all I’m thinking is,

is the lambrusco on ice?

Did I take the lid off the tinned fray bentos steak n ale pie?

Is it in fact in the oven?

Christ, have I got the tinned new potatoes on the boil?

How long do they take to cook? so many fucking questions, and no answers,

To late now,

I’m at the door and my hand is on the catch, “it’s now or never boy” I could hear myself saying,

and then with a loud voice I shouted through the letter box, “there’s no one at home we’ve all fucked off to wales”

Of course I bloody didn’t,

But I did think about it though,

I also may have been a little nervous, but I was on a promise, I was about to become a man, lose the old virginity, go to outta space and back,

topped off with an explosion at the very end, basically I am going to make mad passionate love to a beautiful older girl,

the only problem was I had no idea how to do this?

Now you have to remember in the medieval days of the late nineteen seventies there were only 3 channels on tv, no porn channels, no easy internet experiences,

if you wanted to find out something, the only option you had, was to get on ya trotters and go down to the library, and then you would have to spend the best part of your day, tying yourself up in nots trying to understand the words you were reading,

That’s if in fact you could even read,

but today you can just get your phone out and connect to the world and beyond, in fact if you have a mind too you can become an expert in many many fields in life,

Well that was no good to me back then was it, I’m not a fucking time traveler yet,

it’s too late I’d just have to go with my worldly instincts, and yes mistakes were made, so is there any wonder I didn’t marry the girl

Although I did think it a little unfair, with some of the explanative’s she used that night! How the fuck was I suppose to know which hole I had entered,

it’s not as if I was gonna check before hand,

“sorry love as I’ve not been down that kind of region since I flew out of my mothers vagina,

I thought I’d take I little expedition down there for a quick looksy, and just check out where I’m gonna stick my juicy fat man hood,

And how the fuck was I suppose to know that this is exactly what I was supposed to do! apparently it’s called foreplay,

But before any of this hanky panky thingy, there was the little matter of the courting, the getting to know each other,

the questions the answers, what’s your favourite colour? What music do you like?

Well none of this actually happened,

and I’ll explain why,

as we were entering the parlour, (that was the posh living room of the nineteen seventies that no one was aloud in,

it was purely there for your mums pleasure of cleaning it, and of course if the fucking queen visits, seriously can you believe it)

Dee straight talking, asks,”what the hell is that smell” fucking ala Carte dinner bitch! I thought that but kept it to myself “oh Jesus Christ almighty”

I cried “the fray bentos steak n ale pie“

We rushed to the kitchen but barely made it to the door before there was an almighty explosion of some kind,

and since we didn’t have ISIS or the Taliban targeting northern suburban terraced houses in those days, I can safely assume we were not under any sort of attack, so as we gingerly open the kitchen door it became quite apparent that there would be no food consumed this evening,

you see it seems the fray bentos steak ‘n’ ale pie had ended its life,

decorating the kitchen walls and ceiling, while the oven glass door had exploded and shattered and embedded pieces all over the kitchen like a mosaic, glistening like a magical kaleidoscope of shiny colours, but my reactions were on point, my mind so quick,

I swivelled in a heartbeat to face Dee and said,” how about a pot noodle then”

I think this first date is going extremely well, considering,

I mean Dee was so helpful with cleaning what I can only describe as shit , disguised as a pie from a tin,

and she never once complained about all those pesky little nicks, cuts, and scratches she had acquired to her near perfect body, whilst attempting to scrape all of the glass from the walls,

and I am positive the look she gave me when I handed her the mop, was a loving sincere wide eyed look of appreciation,

although I felt a smile would not have gone amiss at that point.

Amongst all of this flirting,

I managed to ask Dee if she would like to see my record collection,

and the response I got was music to my ears,

“I thought you would never ask” she replied “I guess you keep them in your bedroom”

with this she took me by the hand and guided me through the minefield of what once was the kitchen, and all the time I’m thinking, how I can get away with the house now being open plan?

what kind of wonderfully colourful story could I spin to my mummy, while getting away Scott free, and maybe even incorporate a reward for being so brave?

But that will be for later,

because at this moment I was otherwise engaged,

as we entered my room the aroma of the jossticks I had lit earlier in the evening engaged are senses,

but the smoke from downstairs had risen and mingled with the fruity smell of the scented sticks that gave the aroma of steak and petunia with a hint of rose water lavender and gravy,

Our eye’s reddened and puffed, then started to stream with tears, with all the smoke,

I turned to Dee to suggest that maybe I had over done it on the josssticks!

What was that look on this angels face?

was it a smile I could see through the smoke filled room?

Nope it’s definitely her knuckles as they came out of that cloud of smoke and hit my chin!

Luckily she could not hit me again, as I had hit the floor like a bag of shit,

and she could not find me through the dence smoke,

I had quickly crawled away to the window, which I had the sense to open fully,

it was then that I found my record player and pulled out the first album I got my hands on,

it hit the turn table in seconds, then the sound of the wonderful David Bowie belted out honky dory , with this I heard laughter, to my surprise this had a positive affect on the beautiful Dee,

she had full on belly laughs, and as the smoke cleared and we both caught sight of each other she collapsed next to me on the floor,

with her bloated head and eyes popping like a monk fish, me with a bruised chin bruised ego a thick lip and bloodied nose, we curled into each other’s arms

We made our way to the bed, just a single bed with blankets of course, we hadn’t heard of duvets back in the day,

the bed was just big enough for us as long as we both cuddled up to each other, and finally it was nice, it was real

and as we lay there staring into each other’s eyes, and me singing gently the words to kooks by Bowie, into my first true loves ear, and the smoke was now at last leaving the room via the open window, and with the music entranced on our souls, calm had been restored,

with that our bloodshot eyes met again , and are heads moved closer to have our first kiss, her soft ruby lips touch mine and we had our moment,

I came in a second,

Sorry joking again,

even I’m not that quick,

This was it the moment of truth

this was that time to become a man, this was when things really start to happen,

when I show her what kind of man she has before her,

the tongue goes in for the kill, I read all about the kissing in the outstanding book, how to French kiss your woman in three easy steps, by a one Mr dickhead, not the best book I had loaned out from the local library,

because it neglected to advise me that you don’t fucking close down with your teeth, while your partner has her tongue inserted half way down your throat,

Now I can tell you that there was not that much blood leaking from her mouth that night,

but would it fucking stop no it would not,

and with it being Dee’s tongue that was the recipient of the teeth incident,

it was safe to say with the blood and the swelling of her tongue it kept this feisty young lady unusually quietly,

which makes a change,

now I had to act fast I had to take her mind off of it,

so what did the book suggest now?

Oh yes top bottom and finger! I know it sounds crude but apparently it was all the rage in the seventies, just like a cuddle is today, so go with it,

The response was magnificent, go Johnny go, your onto a winner here, Dee reciprocates by gently undoing the top button of my Levi 501s I was wearing for this romantic evening,

and with a quick tug and some yoga thing with her leg and foot the 501’s are no more,

they were dispensed with at the foot of the bed, along with my boxers.

Dee your a fucking genius, the art of magic was born right there that night,

what a fucking tidy move, I learn similar techniques in years to come, on women that is,

things move on quickly now, we are both naked, and with the tongue incident well and truly behind us, we are both like octopuses now,

hands and legs everywhere, only my mind is also going ten

to the dozen, I’m out of my depth now! I’m gonna have to improvise,

my left hand drops to her midriff and I slowly search for what I am hoping is the love tunnel, and eureka I find it,

I use my hand as a guide to help me attack the right hole accurately and quickly climb-on top, all be it fairly clumsy because i slide off to the side,

but this does not stop me from an attempt of a full on thrust, I’m going at it for a good couple of minutes, when Dee opens her eyes and looks to me, and says what the fuck are you doing?

Why are you shagging the hole in the mattress between my legs?

gutted as I was at that moment , I take swift action while David Bowie sings queen bitch, And I know what he fucking means at that precise moment,

you see I take another stab at the hole which I am supposed to be aiming for, and am hoping to get it right this time,

well it is rather tight but I go with it, thrusting away like billio, this is it,

by Jove Johnny I think you’ve got it, when all of a sudden screams come fast and loud from Dee, followed by “get your fucking cock out of that hole you filthy animal,”

well that’s not the response the book claimed would happen,

I disengage, and survey the damage,

and as quick as you like, I say to Dee, how did you like that, us up north like going through the back door, and with that I am sparked out,

another right hand I think, straight on the nose,

in a daze I watch as Dee gathers her belongings and attempts to walk with dignity naked out of the room,

she did struggle to walk without looking like she had just straddled a horse,

And with the bang of the front door and a cry of “I fucking hate you, you northern freak” she was gone, my lovely stunning cockney girl. Gone.

A tad upset one thinks.

Now all in all I thought this norther lad had done a cracking little job with this dating lark,

A bit of banter a bit of dinner, a bit of excitement, a bit of northern charm, and a cock up the arse, what’s not to like, me Old cocker!

but there is just one unanswered question I needed to know?

Am I still a virgin?

Or does the back hole count,

I’m having it anyway, I think I deserved it,

so now all I’ve got to do is survive my mother’s wrath, and not die in her cross fire ,

so I can eventually find out what the front hole feels like.

Now where’s that mop?

Band:- Secret Affair

Song :- time for action

Song:- Tempted

Band:- Squeeze

Song:-just Can't Get Enough

Band:-Depeche Mode

1981

THE WINDOW CLEANER

I was enjoying an afternoon nap, I remember it was a Tuesday and the month I seem to recall was April of nineteen eighty one m, as it was some time before my final exams,

(I was on my wind down from a gruelling twelve years of schooling against my will)

when I hear a knocking, at first I wonder if it was just part of my dream, but as the knocking continues I realise that I am now wide awake and the noise is coming from the rear of the house, specifically the back door, and with me answering the back door i may have inadvertently changed my life forever.

You see There’s this bloke standing there, right in front of me, with a shammy leather in one hand, a bucket in the other and a smile showing a mouthful of very white teeth indeed, he had dark wavy hair with just a hint of grey at the sides, blue sparking eyes full of secrets and a very deep tan with a cockiness about him,

I’d put him at mid to late thirties, but I could be wrong, my age radar was never my top attribute,

“Aright mate, it’s John is it not” we’re the first words out of his mouth to me, (and I don’t even know who the fuck he is yet, although there is a slight resemblance to someone that I think I may know from somewhere?) “right lad are you ready for your first taste of genuine grafting my son” (well I know he’s definitely not my dad) I’m so confused but I manage a reply, “sorry mate do I know you” “yes son, maybe from a distance though, anyway I’m going to be your new boss, your mam thought you could do with a job”

well the upshot of it was, my dearest mother thought it was about time that I made my way in the world, instead of hanging around the house like a spare part, or lying in bed till tea time,( for fuck sake mother dear, make you mind up, am I hanging around or hiding in my room) any way she thought it would be a great idea that I go to work and contribute to the household, for fuck sake I actually haven’t left school yet, I still have exams too finished,

she did not listen and instead she engaged the local window cleaner to help,

Billy whizz was his name due to the speed of his window cleaning skills,

and this was the days of a shammy leather, bucket and a double ladder,

none of these fancy hoses and extension poles of today, just your locally sourced water from the house you were cleaning at that moment in time, and up your ladder you went, with your shammy a smile and a whistle,

now billy had a work force of around 8 lads working for him, he had a White van and a big grey estate car loaded up with ladders and window cleaning paraphernalia,

the idea was we lads were paired off and dropped off at certain areas to do rounds, that he’d built up over the years,

but for me I would be joining the boss to learn the ropes, and boy did I learn the ropes!

DAY ONE

A PAIR OF LADDERS

I was picked up at 8 am and off we went Billy whizz and I to our first destination, and my first job of the day was to go get a brew from a local cafe which was situated just around the corner from our first stop off, which was a nice little semi detached house in a fairly posh area,

so off I trotted like a good little boy, while billy whizz got the ladders from the roof of the car, and I was soon back with the drinks, and in the time it took me billy had those ladders already up against the upstairs front window, which I suspected would probably be a bedroom, (I’m already picking up on things)

and once the brew was finished my lesson in the art of window cleaning began, so to the technical side.

first you take the shammy in a hand that you favour, you then dunk the shammy into soapy water, once it’s had a good soaking go to the window and move your hand and arm in an upwards motion and wipe the wet and soapy shammy all over the glass window,

second take the cloth that you should have in a belt with pockets, which you should have around your waist,

now this is the crucial part of this task,

You then dry the glass you have only a minute before wet, and then you have to repeat this, on every fucking window of the house, and on every Fucking house in the street, and every fucking street on the window cleaning round, ( some how I feel I will not be able to engage in this monotonous task for very long)

now this is where it can get complicated and confusing, you see you have to do this procedure sometimes at height, Hence the ladders, and at times you may only do the upstairs,

and then to turn the process completely on its head, sometime you do just the outside! and sometimes just inside of the downstairs, and on occasions there’s the inside and the outside of the windows to do, (can you get any more fucking excitement)

god there are so many permutations, one feels a degree may be needed just to calculate how to price all the windows,

So anyway

I’m shammying away at the outside of the downstairs windows on this sunny morning, when billy whizz shouts to me “when you have finished with the front, go and wait in the van will you, and I will sort out the ladies back passage” and by the time I’m finished with the bottom front window, he’s gone, he’s up the passage and round the back,

tick tock, tick tock, goes the hands on my watch, another glance tells me it’s been almost an hour since the boss entered Mrs Harrison’s back passage, and I’m getting board and frustrated, I’m hot and sweaty, and there’s no where to go,

so I decide that I shall go and investigate the case of the missing window cleaner,

I slip out of the car’s passenger seat, where I had settled myself waiting for the next job,

I was listening to mike reads name that year, on radio one, (the hip station of the time) and I thought at the time that I may not find out the year the music was from if I had to go and find Billy the fucking whizz! but I went, and I was right, the worst possible outcome emerged, that’s right,

I never did find out the year of the tunes he was playing,

and to this day I do not know, and it’s been a big factor in all the problems in my life,

again only joking I got over it within a year,

So my first port of call on my manhunt was the local pub, now call me naive, which is probably true at that time of my life,

but I thought as it was getting on to late morning that is where every window cleaner would want to be,

well I was wrong, the place wasn’t even open, so I navigated myself back to the car, where i sat on the bonnet rubbing my chin and using what brain cells I could muster into life on my first day of work,

I stare at the house from a distance and try to back track my thoughts of that morning,

right I thought,

I was at the front of the house cleaning windows, and billy whizz was where, then I had the light bulb moment,

yes he went around the back of the house, but wait I’m thinking again (maybe not a great idea) that was an hour ago, Christ he’s fell off the fucking ladders on my first day and is lying dead with his brains all laid out at the bottom of the ladder,

with Mrs Harrison witnessing this accident, she herself then clutched her chest as she has a massive heart attack while holding the kettle full of boiling water just about to make billy and i a cup of tea,

the kettle full of piping hot water spills and cascades down Mrs Harrison’s head as she jerked uncontrollably from the heart attack, melting her face beyond recognition,

and as she dropped to the floor, she lands on the two new baby puppies her faithful poodle has just had, crushing them to death,

which in turn traumatised the yelping bitch as it ran round helplessly until it accidentally hit the back door at full throttle, breaking its own neck and dies instantly,

oh good god almighty, what a tragedy!

So I cautiously manoeuvre to the back of the house with my heart pounding out of my chest and my mouth dry, so dry, I can now hardly breath,

I have to look around the wall of the house to see the devastation I have in my head, and oh my fuckin god, what a sight!

It’s worse then I could have possibly imagine,the fucking mess

My first thoughts were the owner of this middle class house with a lovely front garden is so superficial,

the back gardens was a tip! full of shite from the dogs,

rubbish everywhere,

an old settee dumped at the bottom of the garden

and the lawn, Well don’t get me started,

and there just at the kitchen window leaning against the wall leading to what must be a back bedroom was Billy’s ladders,

No death and destruction, no dead animals nor brains all over the patio,

all there was though a slight noise coming from the open upstairs window,

now I could not quite work out what the sound was, was it the pet dog panting for water? and what was the bloody squeaking noise?

Is someone constantly opening and closing a door in desperate need of oiling, so many questions

so I thought, I need to investigate, again

the question I asked myself was do I go in through the open back door,

or should I climb the ladder straight to the source of the distant noises,

I mulled this over for maybe a millisecond, and started the climb,

and just a few seconds later all became clear,

right there in front of me through the window and partly closed curtains was billy, and just below him was Mrs Harrison, billy whizz was definitely living up to his name,

he was like a screaming banshee,

sweating & groaning is way through what I can only describe as a marathon of sex positions, while she was writhing and moaning,

the bed itself was creaking and banging,

in fact I was sure it would collapse under the pressure any minute!

Suffice to say I did not hang around up there at the top of that ladder getting a lesson in love

Or was it the fuck for lust? Anyhow I was down that fucking ladder so fast it took weeks to get the splinters out of me palms

And I was back in the passenger seat of Billy’s motor waiting like an alter boy, with a bright halo hangin over met head. when he finally returned,there was no explanation of the time it took to clean a fucking bedroom window,

but I had the thoughts of the devil running through my mind,

just thinking what a fucking amazing job this widow cleanin lark just might turn out to be,

So if any of yous are wondering where this anecdote maybe going or you think you know exactly where it ends up, well you might be right,

So for those old enough you may have heard of some dated British comedy movies made in the nineteen seventies the Adventures of...... well I may add to them there stories

WEEK TWO

THE WET LADY

The second week of my new job started just like the first, with the exception that I was left to work the rounds with a prodigy of Billy’s,

his name was Sam, and he had been working the rounds with the whizz since he left school at sixteen, he left school with no qualifications, and only had aspirations of climbing the ladder to windows rather than the ladder to success,

Sam was now the ripe old age of 21 and an excellent shammy expert, he was around 5ft 10 in height,

dark shoulder length hair with the common centre parting,

and spoke with a very strong Leigh accent, because he was from fucking Leigh of course,

For me, we’ll I looked up to him,

For he told some cracking stories, and at the time I believed most of these stories were true,

except one, where he tells of nights out and he knecks up to 10 pints,

well that’s just fucking impossible,

at that time in my life, I too liked a drink but struggled to get past my third beer,

But I let it go,

as it happens a couple of years later he was proved right because I drank like a fish and 10 pints a night would be no problem,

so it was on one sunny Friday morning, when I was on my ladders climbing the Abiss to a top front window,

a bedroom as it happens, with curtains drawn and the room standing empty,

that was until this mature woman of at least 25 strolled into the room from what I can only assume was the bathroom? as she had her head bandaged in a towel, while she strutted slowly across the carpeted floor,

what struck me though, was the rest of her was completely naked with her skin slightly damp,

well my eyes quickly popped out of my head and landed in the flower bed below, my tongue dropped like an unraveling carpet from my open mouth the length of my ladder,

and I just could not help the bulge that appeared in my jeans, and as she lifted her head, her eyes met mine, (which were now well and truly back in there sockets and my tongue was wrapped back into its resting place) as we exchanged glances I supposed I must have looked a little strange pressed up against her bedroom window, my left arm reaching for the sky, with a shammy leather attached to the hand,

now as I was stretching you could clearly see my groin area with solid a hard on which was also pressed up against the window ,

and it more than likely looked to my new best friend that I was shagging her bedroom window,

It was now that I expected The tirade of venomous verbal abuse to be thrown at me through that window,

but instead this voluptuous creature simply smiled and winked,

sauntered over to her dressing table sat on the edge facing me, legs apart and began applying body lotion purposely slowly in my opinion, she glanced up at me with her seductive blue eyes, while licking her lips gently

her hands covered the whole of her body very professionally, again, only in my opinion

As for myself I had not yet moved from The position I had first started in, still in fucking statue mode, hoping she hadn’t spotted me,

the only thing was when she slipped her right hand slowly past her stomach, going down and down and aghhh shit fuck wank! my jeans were well and truly stained,

It was at that point the little minx just started laughing uncontrollably, also at that point my body started to trembling, uncontrollably,I needed off that ladder right away,

I tried to slide down the ladder (as us professional window cleaners do,)

but close to the bottom my foot got stuck,

and I fell the last foot or so, with the bucket of water landing on my head,

so now I’m soaking wet at the top end, and stained to buggery at the bottom,

I just lay there looking up to the blue sky, smiling,

and I found myself saying thank you to anyone who may be up there watching,

ONE MONTH LATER

I haven’t seen my lady since that day, although I made a point of always cleaning that particular bedroom window myself, which brings me nicely on to the middle class street where we started,

back in suburbia where everyone is going about there business, when two likely lads turn up in an estate car full of window cleaning gear,

Sam and i are let loose on what is usually Billy’s private round,

but as he’s gone away for a few days, we’ve been charged with looking after his customers on this street,

just before lunch Sam decided he’s off to the bookies,

he’s a big cricket fan and England were playing some sort of international,

so I was left to do the last house alone, the one and only Mrs Harrison,

and as usual I knock and ask if it would be possible to get some fresh hot water for my bucket,

Mrs Harrison was delighted to help,

I could see it in her eyes but what terrified me, was that I could also see in her eyes fresh meat

Christ I thought I may well be in trouble here,

Mrs Harrison brought me the water and requested that when I’ve finished the outside, I clean the inside of her bedroom windows as Billy whizz always takes special care of her upstairs, I bet he does! I thought,

Mrs Harrison must have been pushing forty years of age, but wow what a body, in clothes and out, as I do have recent memories of the lady naked,

once I’d finished the outside, I tentatively scale the stairs one by one,

sweaty palms and pounding heart, what the fuck am I getting myself into I think to myself, Should I turn back

But I do need paying, so I keep going, I reach the top of the stairs and cross the landing,

my left hand reaches out and I slowly push open the bedroom door,

my eyes once again drop from their sockets to the floor and bounce back like there attached to slinky’s!

This was because of the sight that confronted me,

Mrs Harrison lay there, on her kingsize bed completely naked legs apart and knees up, like she was ready for an inspection then there’s that sound again, the one I’ve heard before, it was that buzzing noise,m again,

she looks towards me as she rotates the toy she has inside her, she groans,

she moans,

she smiles

and she winks at me,

she waves me over with her free hand,

I smile

i sprint

I dive

Geronimo,

I lost that job some days later.

The blue record player

the practicing junkie

and A slight overdose

1981

The artist:- the stranglers

The song:- golden brown

The Band :- squeeze

The Song:- tempted

The band:- Stray Cats,

The song:-Rock This Town

ENTREPRENEUR

In sept of nineteen eighty one, shortly after my brush With window cleaning and the buzzing toy, followed soon after by the escapades of how the royal wedding led to myself and others cascading down the river seven in mid Wales on the hottest day of said year.

i decide that it was a career that I wanted, then I could settle down into some sort of life routine, I was after all sixteen years of age and been out of school and work for some weeks now, so I chose to delve into the world of paint and decorating,

i started a twelve month course studying the craft of paper hanging and paint application under the tuition of an old professional, it was a new scheme called the task force, and this took me into the land of the foreigner, but no not what you are thinking,

this is a term you give to a job you do on the side for cash in your back pocket, no questions asked, thus so avoiding the robbing bastards from the tax office,

you see I seemed to take to this painting lark like a duck to water, and straight from the outset my tiny little mind was workin ten to the dozen on how I can get rich quickly with my new found skill.

I also worked out pretty quickly from my new found mentor how easy it was to find people who wanted things done on the cheap,

my mentors name was Eric, he was a 50 something veteran of the paint brush,

and knew all the tricks of the trade,

and was only to willing to pass on his well earned knowledge, now this guy was old school through and through, I only ever saw this fellow in white bib and braces, with a checked shirt accompaniment, which was usually red,

He often had a pipe hanging out of the right side of his mouth,

he was always unshaven with white stubble which always covered his face right up to his eyeballs, or so it seemed in this fading memory of mine,

his nostril hair was unusually long and he seemed pleased with it, as it always looked as though he manacured it, and don't let me get started on his ears, they were like loabs of the forest,

his white hair was always emaculatly combed in a slick back Elvis look, full of brylcream, in fact I would say that was the mans favoured aftershave, as he stank of brylcream

Once you overcome the aroma of Eric, you find you have a jolly and witty straight talking man,

And it was while we had one of our daily chats that he gave me the idea to do some work on the side,

which would easily give me the money I craved,

he told me on one occasion to start with family and friends, as their always willing to help, and so, that was the avenue I went down, and I soon found I had more jobs than I could ever imagine I could actually finish,

but like a true professional I plodded on,

wading endlessly through the painted walls and rolls and rolls of wallpapers,

while at the dizzie heights of my new enterprise, an acquaintance of are kid approach me with an offer of a job, at mate rates of course,

What Ziggie (the lads name) wanted was the front room and stairs of his new second floor council flat painted,

an easy job for a fair amount of cash even at mates rates, Ziggie was a twenty one year old, ( which was quite old to a sixteen year old)

he was a practicing punk but looked more like a mod, heis usually attire were Fred Perry T shirt's, Harrington jackets drainpipe jeans and brogues, he was not a bad looking lad with blonde hair cut short with a side parting, the only unforgiving feature he had was the lack of teeth,

all his top front teeth had gone missing, he had just the two fangs with a very fucking big gap inbetween and this was probably due to the fact he was very much a practicing druggie, but a nice chap sometimes, with plenty of cash,

we sealed the deal with me loaning him my treasured blue single deck record player, which I had got the previous year for Christmas,

it was my first player and I loved it,

now don’t forget vinyl was the main source of sound and music in the heady heights of the late 70s early 80s and I loved my music,

but a sacrifice was made in the name of cash, and anyway it would only be a couple of days,

ROOKIE MISTAKE

Day 1

the music was blaring out of that blue record player as I prepped the walls of Ziggie’s front room, “what a cracking idea to loan him my treasured player( I did not have much of a choice in the decision)

I now get the benefits of my music while I paint” (I always seem to be talking to myself,)

Later I’m splashing on the emulsion without a care in the world, I’m half way up a pair of ladders Balancing several stairs up, some would say cutting corners and Saving time, I would suggest I was being enterprising,

I’m singin to myself wiggling my arse off to stiff little fingers, alternative ulster, when the ladder buckles and I am left at the bottom of the stairs, I land with my back against the front door, the ladders lay across my knees and I am wearing a very good coating of white emulsion dripping from my head and other body parts,

and after a poor attempt to clean up, I gave up and legged it from the property, with thoughts of how the fuck I’m going to get out of this utter fucking mess?

you see I knew for a fact that Ziggie has just had that hall and stairs carpet laid,

and I know for a fact that I have made a school boy error in not putting any sheets down to cover said carpet,

another fact is i should have used a plank and not balanced a ladder on stairs,

and I knew for a fact it is gonna cost me not just in money but probably in teeth and looks, because although Ziggie was an aqauintance and a fairly reasonable guy he was also as I said a practicing junkie punk and certainly had some unsavoury mates and he can definitely hold a grudge,

so I’m thinking New York sounds good this time of year, but since i was a spender and not a saver I did not have any capital to be going travelling,

so hiding in my bedroom was the next best thing, I think I was hiding under my covers in my bed for a good couple of hours, when I thought to myself, fuck this, I gotta date with the borough arms at six pm,

there’s a great group doing clash covers playing tonight and i’m not about to miss it

now this could be a suicide mission as Ziggie frequents the same establishment from time to time, or a blessing in disguise because if he is there I could buy him a pint talk him around maybe with some kind of fantasy story, so i have just got to come up with a good enough story to fool the man

lets hope he’s had his quota of substances for the day,

The evening day 1

HELP NEEDED

“Hey Ziggie good night isn’t it, do you fancy a pint? I’ve a funny story to tell you, this will have you in stitches, you are not gonna believe it mate but... what’s that, you said, oh your three mates over there are thirsty too, wow there big big lads aren’t they” oh steroids is it” oh and they work out at the gym, and they go every day do they, how interesting” “yeah I can see that, they have thighs bigger than me,”

“what’s that they don’t really want to hurt me,”

“aw that’s nice to know”

“you say they will though if they have to, now that doesn’t sound so good, I’ll be fine yaou say, aw I feel so much better now”

“What! as long as I pay £150.00, Christ on a bike that’s three months wages,”

“instalment will do, oh really thanks, i really appreciate you taking my money on a weekly basis,

“there’s little jobs to do for you as well is there, well I’ve certainly got it made haven’t i”

“Sorry what’s that? shut the fuck up with the back chat before I get a slap,”

“got it, consider me mute”

and with the finger and thumb of my left hand I drew a zipper across my lips and threw away the key, I sat across the room from Ziggie and his boys for the rest of the evening, although I was still having a great night out with the lads, I was also pondering on ideas of how the fuck to get out of this situation,

idea one

Hire King Kong to defeat them big dudes in a battle, interesting,

Idea two

Send my dad around, but I’d just end up an orphan

Idea three

Let myself get trashed by the 3three apeman that were with Ziggie, then have them all arrested

Fuck that I’m too pretty and I have a great set of teeth

Idea 4

Pray they all get hit by a bus on the way home tonight,

Never gonna happen unless I can quickly pass my test, find a bus to hijack and reroot it to coincide with the four fuckers leaving the pub?

gives me less than an hour before closing time? Possible

I think I’ll sleep on it, every thing always looks rosier the next day.

Day 2

THE BLUE RECORD PLAYER

I woke early,

well i couldn’t fucking sleep anyway, too much shit rolling around in the old brain,

and some of the shit rolling around was the idea That I should pop round to Ziggie’s and try to sort this mess out once and for all,

and that’s exactly what I did, I jumped on my pink chopper, revved the baby up put it in gear with the shift stick in the centre of the cross bar just between my legs, just where it should be, and I peddled off,

Twenty minutes later and I’m at the corner of Ziggie’s road, but that is where I put on my breaks and come to a sudden stop, I gasp at the sight I’m looking at, a couple of hundred yards up from me there is a hive of activity,

there are two cop cars, an ambulance, and the whole fucking area is cornered off, and from the position I am in I can also see one of Ziggie’s goons being escorted from Ziggie’s flat, the next sight I see was the two ambulance men, a stretcher and what I can only assume to be a body riding on it,

and as I cannot see this as being some sort of an elaborate robbery featuring men in fancy dress uniforms, unless maybe in-fact Ziggie is a drugs baron livin under the radar?

In any case i don’t hang around any longer, I needed to get the fuck out of there, so I turn myself around and peddled fuck out of that chopper, back at home it was time to deliberate, so no work for me today and no trying to wriggle of the hook for now, so there’s only one thing for it, off to the pub,

And it seems back at my local watering hole is where all the action is, there is only one topic of conversation on everyone’s lips that afternoon

and that is the death of a practicing junkie and the arrest of a man monster with muscles on muscles

It transpires the death of Ziggie arrived that morning, and a couple of his friends disappeared never to be seen in this town again, well as far as I was concerned anyway,

and one man monster was certain to go down for drug related charges, and this news although very sad indeed, did help with my own health and looks no end,

It also kept me in pocket money for awhile at least, so the drinks were on me that afternoon,

and then it hit me, like a slap in the face, like a grenade in the brain, like a kick in the balls,

for fucks sake I screamed inside, my treasured blue record player was gone, it was still at the flat, sat there on the rotting sideboard where I left it all alone gathering dust with all of Ziggie’s possessions, never to been seen by my sparkling blue eyes ever again,

I cried that night, music died that night, never will there be anything invented that could produce the dulcet tones of my music on my old blue record player,

R.I.P

1982

The band:-Adam and the ants

The song:-goody two shoes

The band:- hot chocolate

The song:- it started with a kiss

The band :- the jam

The song:- a town called malice

September to November 1982

THE KNOB

Robert was my mentor, and it was my very last painting job for wirlderspool painters, in fact my painting and decorating career came to a close after this job, in fact my life very nearly came to a close as well, which will become much clear another time,

this also was the time when my employment prospects made a change of direction, when an opportunity in the retail industry fell into my lap again another story,

Rob was a twenty five year old knob head and he stood around six ft tall with a black quiff style haircut, which was left long at the back similar to a mullet,

and he definitely thought he was God’s gift to women, and to be fair he probably was, well maybe to the unfortunate few who were taken in by his absolute bullshit,

I thought he was a cocky fuck, but on the flip side you could have a laugh with him, and there was no harm to him as long as it was in small doses,

so a week into the painting job, which was on a new post office building on some industrial estate near birchwood, all the lads on site were offered unlimited overtime,

which was sanctioned for every Saturday, until the job was completed, you see the job was well behind schedule, due to the inspectors knocking back all the shoddy workmanship that they seemed to find on a daily basis, and all this lost time had to be made up somehow,

which was great for the workers because you could make a few extra pennies and still get to the pub before 2pm for a pint.

Saturday morning arrived, and as I arrived on site I was wondering if Rob the knob was going to try and catch me out with his childish games once again,

because all week he has been sending me on many a wild goose chase ( for example I went all over fucking town looking for tartan paint,

and being left handed myself I truly believed there had to be such a thing as a left handed screw driver,

and a long weight was just not that funny when you miss your lunch our weighting for fuck all ,

and this went on day after fucking day, what a fucking prick, and all in the name of, (as he puts it) the initiation,

THE BEGINNING

January to April 1982,

Willy decs is the nick name of wirlderspool painters, and this was what I considered my first proper employer following a dalliance with window cleaning, and various other enterprises that I turned my hand too, after school had turned its back on me with a pat on the head and a fist full of exam results, which of course meant nothing in the real world,

and all these other ventures, we're I might add complete and utter failures,

but it was in January of 1982 where I was 6 months into my foray with the world of paint and decorating through a government scheme called the task force (which offered school leavers a chance of developing skills in a variety of trades,)

when out of the blue I was offered an apprenticeship with wirlderspool painters with some obvious arm twisting from two of my uncles Keith and Brian, who were both well established painters within the firm, and the first job I was tasked with would drag me through winter spring and summer and with the former being the most trying as it was such a bitter winter,

It all started with a bridge in Clitheroe,

to me this did not look like any painting job that I’d ever seen, I thought the essentials to painting was paint paintbrushes, wallpaper and paste at the very least, this job however was outside, and consisted of cold wet steel and iron bridges with motorways flying across the top of them,

and the main job I was tasked with came with a lollipop,

a big fucking lollipop, with stop and go written on either side,

technology had clearly come a long-way since the early nineteen eighties, but surely even then there was a better way than to stick a big fucking lollipop in my hand and then be made to stand for up to nine hours stopping traffic at will,

now putting a seventeen year old lad in charge of traffic control could be in all probability bad for ones health, or in this particular case bad for many many road users health,

My first day started with a big fucking shock as I was picked up from the family home at 3.30am

old man Clegg was the designated driver of the day and he was very handy on the horn, which put him in grave danger, as he was fucking lucky he did not get lynched that morning as the neighbour hood took quite an offence at being woken up so early in the morning, also sat in the front with him were both my uncles, Keith and Brian, and in the back was Brian number two Mick Keenan and another young lad name of Quentin if my memory serves, so this likely lot were to be my new Comrades in arms,

my partner’s in crime,

my new posse,

or to be precise my new work colleagues, and as I was last in the back of the rusting white transit van that first early frosty morning, and as I was also the youngest (as later I found out Quentin was just eighteen topping my age by several months) it was taken that I would be the lowest of the low,

the skivvy

Or to put it another way the tea boy,

and the first thing my new comrades did as we headed at speed to the motorway, was to launch my pack-lunch out of the window of the van, dispersing my egg and cress sandwiches on white bread my pm coke and wagon wheel all over the tarmac bringing out a multitude of creature for the big feast that rained down on them from the heavens, (I think my colleagues took umbrage with my action man lunch box)

and the first thing this new designated tea boy did when we arrived at our destination was make the fucking tea, and at precisely four thirty am in the pitch dark it was allocated to the gofer tea boy to put out a shit load of cones to create a chicane of over a 100 feet to close off one side of the road running under a motorway bridge and to be completed before five am,

IS ROB A KNOB

September 1982

After the first two weeks on the post office job, Rob the knob's extremely outlandishly silly games seemed to have settled down somewhat,

and he had become quite the normal chappie, with a personality to match and a sense of humour that any human being would be proud of, he was also acting like we were best buddies,

and at that time I had plenty of real mates and really did not need another one, but I played along with Rob the knob, as it seemed the right thing to do especially as I did not trust the bastard one bit, and of course I was bang on the money,

but for now the rest of September went swimmingly, I seemed to have ingratiated myself with Rob and his crew, there was no more cheap gags and games at my expense, and I slowly I let my guard down and started to enjoy my time there on the job.

CONFUSION ON THE

ROAD

January

7am

Two hours into my new roll as a temporary traffic light, (well one of two, as Quentin was designated to be the second lollipop man for the opposite side of the road) well I thought I was about to die because with temperatures below zero I think there was a chance I had already lost my cock and bollocks to the elements,

And my hands were full of freeze burns from them sticking to the steel of the lollipop stick, my eye lids seem to have frozen open and I was finding it hard to breath as my breath froze as it left my mouth, but as it happened these small discomforts were the least of my worries on that first morning,

now I will never take full responsibility for what comes next for I did not have the full training in the art of stop and go signs, and I certainly was not up to scratch on the Highway Code on that frosty morning, so when I was trying to peel my hand off the handle off the lollipop, I could not have foreseen the mayhem that would follow,

just because the lollipop slipped and spun in my hands to the side that read Go, did not mean the fucking line of traffic that was building and waiting in anticipation for this action should shoot off so bloody quickly,

three cars quickly shot forward and were through the chicane and off on there way before I could rectify my mistake, which I did very quickly and flipped the lollipop back to stop, I would say just five or six seconds, unfortunately this quick change only made matters worse as the Ford escort which was next in line to pass go had to put on her brakes which was unexpected by the driver of the blue mini behind her, and of course the blue mini behind did not foresee this action either and ploughed, (very slowly I must add) Into the back of the escort, the escort lady reacted very badly to this manoeuvre, she was a lovely lady of around thirty years of age and dressed in a very sexy tweed two piece suit , short skirt just above the knee and laddered stockings, I only noticed all this as she was very animated for an older woman, and as she threw herself from the escort in a rage, she snagged her said stockings on her own open door laddering them to an inch off their life, showing a healthy view of a wonderfully shaped leg, and as she approached the mini driver for what I can only surmise a showdown with the driver, who I could not quite see from where I was standing,

but pretty quickly my attention was distracted away from the fun that was escalating right in front of me by an almighty thud, and as to what happened next was probably not very healthy for the company’s bank balance, let’s just say at that point I was just hoping Wirlderspool painters had a very healthy insurance,

ROB IS A KNOB

It had just turned eight am, and I was a couple of minutes late for clocking on , but it could not be avoided as my transport of the day a white lambretta 150 would not start, I find nowadays petrol helps with the movement of such things , but as a seventeen year old I neglected such matters, anyhow rushing to get to work on time seemed to put me off guard as I am usually very alert when entering the work place just in case the knob reverts back to his school boy antics, as it was I just rushed through hoping the foreman does not see me.

There was two of them,

and for the life of me I did not see it coming, they were straight on to me, there was one on each arm so quickly, I was stunned and I was on my knees in seconds, that’s when I heard the cackling laughter of Rob the knob, as he entered the main stage of this production, we were in one of the large rooms which was going to eventually be one of the main sorting offices for this new post office, and I was jumped by two big apes disguised as fucking chippies, (joiners) who were working on something in that part of the building that morning and were roped into Robs hilarious gag, the two big apes were expert in holding down a seventeen year old youth,

and another two other colleagues of knob head were experts in stripping a seventeen year old youth of all his clothing,

while knob head was extremely expert in wrapping me in industrial cling film,

oh such a fucking laugh, when the knob was satisfied that I was well and truly trust up like a silk worm, he and his knob head mates attached me to a scaffolding frame, that was unfortunately for me just hanging around there, either waiting for some painters to climb it to finish off painting the ceiling, or was designed to be there just to hang a seventeen year old naked youth to it, just for laughs of course, I was eel and truly hung out to dry there,

but that was not the end of this practical joke as I was about to find out,

my head was cling film free and I watched with fear in my eyes as Rob approached silently with a big pair of decorating scissors, and as he reached me at eye level he winked whispered relax and enjoy, he then knelt down and proceeded to fashion a whole of some description around my genitals, exposing my penis and balls to the elements, and that’s when the real fun begun.

MAYHEM ON THE STREETS

You may have gathered Quentin and I had yet to perfect a method of communication when it comes to lollipop usage, because it is definitely not wise for both the signs to be facing go at the same time,

The three cars that took off from my end of the chicane had only got maybe thirty feet when they came into contact with the convoy of vehicles coming the other way,

the lead car an Audi Quattro swerved the car coming the opposite way, where it went through a cluster of cones sending them in all directions, with one cone in particular bouncing high over the roof only to end up hitting the windshield of the car following behind, splintering it like a spiders web, with this the driver hit the brakes causing a small but loud 3 car pile up, luckily all other cars in this deadly game of chicken had stopped realising that something must have gone awry with the traffic light system, and with this I was hoping the damage was limited to a couple of dented bumpers and a cracked windshield, but of course I did not count on the old man in a Vauxhall cavalier who came tottering along from Quentin’s direction oblivious to anything in front of him, he had some how got himself on the wrong side of the chicane which allowed him free rain to plough into all our equipment which included very expensive sand blasting equipment a generator and stacks of fucking sand which turned the sene into something like Dunkirk beach in nineteen forty,

when all the sand had settled,

this latest mishap had taken my attention from the altercation of the lady in the Ford and the driver of the mini who turned out to be a young girl of around twenty dressed in a hippy fashion, beads around the fore head and so forth except the beads had vacated the fore head and been replaced by what looked like an egg as her fore head had ballooned from the whack she received from the twin set tweed ladies boot ( of course she’d taken it off to hit her) tweed ladie by now was sat on a grass verge minus any stockings and bleeding from what looked like a broken nose, and it was at this point I spotted out of the corner of my eye my uncles climbing down from the scaffolding that was supporting them while they were working on the underneath of the bridge, and it was then when I decided I should hitch hike home and hope I had a job in the morning.

THE INTRODUCTION

September 82

The room emptied but I could definitely hear childish laughter coming from somewhere outside of the freshly painted mail room I was hanging around in, my mind was racing as I had no way of getting out of this situation,

I was tightly trust up like a Christmas turkey with just my head free and my nuts and todger on show to the world, there was no use in begging to the knob to be freed,

first he will free me only when he is good and ready and second right now he was nowhere to be seen, and when I thought all hope had gone, a door directly in front of me some fifty feet or so away slowly started to open, and I breathed I sigh of relief, knob head has got bored and has come to release me so we can get on with some fucking work, only it did not look like knob, for one he was a female, and my god was she a very shapely female, a female without clothing and legs that went on forever and a chest that had no words to describe, she was the eighth wonder of the world and she was very slowly walking towards me, and I knew I should just close my eyes as I could feel myself getting aroused and I was definitely in no position to be getting aroused, but I couldn’t, and I couldn’t shut my mouth or stop dribbling either, when she arrived face to face, up close and personal she spoke only once, she said “hi I’m Randy brandy nice to meet you“ and shook my erection, she then disappeared from my eye line, and she knelt before me,

it didn’t take long, before I was satisfied and Randy was a distant memory,

the boys were back in the room clapping and cheering, and I was finally cut free to proceed with my day full of school boy jibes.

I was unable to concentrate for the rest of the day and I left work early feigning sickness, and my seven mile journey home almost killed me and my lambretta.

The history lesson,

the sexy teacher,

the dungeon of love

1982

Artist:- culture club

Song:- do you really want to hurt me

The artist:- the jam

The song :-Town Called Malice”

Ahhh Miss Makin a name I’ll never forget, and a memory I could never hope to achieve again,

How could that mature woman of around twenty eight years old have ever dreamt up those things she did to me on that dark cold and wet winters night, it was deep in the volts of her Victorian style home, set to a back drop of back alleys , and just across the road you could see from her window a graveyard that stood motionless, and dark

I still wonder to this day weather them noises I heard were the eirie tones of the walking dead or the squeals of another young fellow situated in the room opposite

Artist :- John & Olivia

Song :- Summer nights

Artist:- boomtown rats

Song :- rat trap

Artist:- Ian Dury

Song:- what a waste

1978

Mother had just returned from school, she was full of praise for the new young teacher fresh from university that had started her high school career the term before,

I was thirteen years and ten months old, and I apparently was the dogs bollocks in her history class, and just the most cutest boy ever, and Miss Makin the new teacher thought the sun shone out of my arse, and told my mum as much,

and she also went onto say to my mum that I was such a lovely kid she could just take me home for herself, and you know what, some years later she certainly did just that and more,

1982

A drink in the hop pole was on the cards this Friday night, because the previous week Chris Wayne and myself had been to a party at the parents house of one of the girls we hung out with,

I assume the parents were away as we all slept over , and this was where I met my first true love, and I was hers,

well for the four and a half years we were together I’d like to think we had some sort of a connection, we did after all almost make it to the Alta,

nothing though was settled on that party night, you see the next day the girl in question Confessed her love for my mate Chris,

but luckily for me he was interested in someone else at that time, which hopefully left the door open for me, well let’s say somewhat ajar, ok a crack emerged which I could see light through if I squinted, which I took with both hands and held on for dear fucking life,

Christ she was so beautiful you had to cling on to crumbs of life,

but it would take some weeks to win the girl of my dreams, as I had to do the mating game, which consisted of turning up by accident to places where she would be,

getting mates to exaggerate story’s about me,

get her friends on side, usually a drink or two would do that, and also shower her with gifts, but inexpensive gifts just in case you get rejected, then the lay out is minimal.

so me and the lads are out on a rekkie of the fashionable distillerys of the nineteen eighties

We entered one such venue called the hop pole around eight in the evening, feeling somewhat happy and fuzzy all in side, due to the few Dutch courage beers we’d had on the way there, in the hope of an accidental meeting, slyly pre arranged with me and the girls, cash may have exchanged hands,

in the age of limited technology we always relied on the word of mouth, but on this occasion that mouth was obviously very wrong on the venue where the girls would be at that time, even though the information was passed onto me by the same girls we should have been meeting things in medieval times can sometimes go wrong, and they often do,

and then there’s no back up, and no quick phone call or face time, messenger or telepathy,

you just gritted your teeth and got pissed trying to catch up, zig zagging across town,

anyway we’d either missed the girls and we were now on catch up, or we’d over took them on the pub run, or maybe they were not even fucking out,

so tonight I maybe just out of luck on the hunt for a girlfriend,

but for now that can wait for another day,

there was at that moment other fish to fry as the saying goes, because out of the corner of my eye I only spotted an ex teacher I had a crush on from my high school days, now just to put your mind at rest, it is a lady and she’s no fucking old granny either,

the approach has to be perfect and the chat up line has to work,

and I certainly have to look and act mature because now at the grand old age of seventeen, I was now a man with a mans needs, and after all less than three years ago this young teacher was in love with me and wanted to take me home,

and all that was on my mind in the seconds that I looked over into those dam sexy brown eyes, I was hoping the lady had not changed her mind about me, and my now manly chiselled looks would not put her off,

1978

My mother was so over the moon with the way I have approached my lessons, after all the praise my history teacher gave me,

but all I could think of at that age was how to escape my mums adulation and praises,

I just wanted to get to my bedroom for fuck sake,

and masturbate the fuck out of myself all afternoon at the thought of Miss Makin naked, and what she’d do to me if I was a naughty boy, and my thoughts of an adoption by this young harlet had me at boiling point, to the point that my mother asked if I was feeling ok, apparently I was reddening in the face by the second,

I could take no more fantasising

so at that moment I just had to run,

Two stairs at a time

straight to my bed

and I’d come before I had chance to shake hands with the little bugger,

1982

the approach had to be on point, I had one chance and one chance only,

so a quick word with the boys a flick of the blond locks, the puffing of the chest and I’m off,

it was such a short distance to travel from the bar where I was leaning, back to the bar, two elbows up and on the bar behind me, and pouting like the pouting king,

my eyes were fixed onto Miss Makin’s eyes, and there and then i knew she wanted me, her plump red lips were quivering,

Now this is my chance, but with the first step my chance may well have gone forever,

ok the first step went well, it was the follow up step with my left leg that had me in trouble, it seemed to stay where I’d left it instead of moving, and within a milli second it then moved uncontrollably, sending me forward at speed doing a little jig before coming to a sudden stop as I fell forward into and over the table where Miss Makin was sittin with two of her girl friends,

I landed on the other side of the table on my back, I had twisted a hundred and eighty degrees going over the table and ad I lay there looking up I could see the brown eyes of Miss Makin looking startled and shocked, and she seemed to topple from her chair with minimal damage,

now I cannot say the same for her friends, as the blonde to her right got the full force of a pint of golden that I was holding, with a direct hit to the face, her make up lasted no more than a second before it cascaded downwards, it was like her face was melting,

the brunette to her left took a direct hit as my trailing arm followed through wiping out the whole table of drinks which landed on said brunette who herself landed in the space between the chairs and me,

the broken nose she received was definitely not my fault, it was a pure accident as she moved the wrong way as my arm came to rest on her face,

1978

I’ve never got myself ready for school so quick the following morning, I even had a bath which was frowned upon by my mum, as bath night was Sunday, but fuck her it’s my love life at stake here, and boy odour surely cannot help,

I’m skipping to the bus and arrive early for school for the first time since nursery, and I only arrived early there because mother wanted a rid of me,

Nine thirty and the history lesson was upon us, and I take my place front of the class, I think I even shuffled my desk closer to Miss Makins desk just for the smell of her perfume,

She had positioned herself in front of her desk leaning provocatively back slightly, with her ass resting on the edge,

her legs stretched out front with that green short mini skirt rising up, showing off her perfect thighs,

her hands clasped together in front of her resting on her flat stomach just below her navel, she was ready to start the lesson. Oh my god and so was I.

1982

Christopher apologised, he assured me that the chaos that ensued was definitely not in his plans when he dropped to his knees and grabbed my left ankle as I was about to approach Miss Makin, but this did not stop him and the boys rolling around the tacky ciggie laden carpet of the pub, laughing like a clan of hyenas, tears rolling down there faces, in shear delight of the carnage they had just witnessed and created , twats the lot of them,

There had to be a way to rescue this from disaster, many ideas were flashing like lightning through my brain as I assessed the situation in the seconds before the kick to the balls arrived.

1978

As the lesson moves on to some time in history,

a time we’ve all forgotten about, and about people and places we don’t even know or care about ,

my head is firmly in the present and fantasing on whether miss Makin is wearing stockings or are they tights as I follow the line of her leg from her ankle upto her thigh which seems to go on for ever, and when I reach the top of he mini skirt I decide she is wearing stockings, as I look up to miss’s eyes I can see that she is staring right back at me with her big brown eyes encased in those black rimmed glasses that give her that cute girly look with her jet black bob haircut and to top it all off what sat upon the bob was an Alice band,

her face though does not look as pleased as mine her eyes bore into mine like hot pokers, and then I caught what she was saying as I shook myself from my day dream , her raised voice quivering, as she ordered me to wake up and rejoin the class quickly followed by a demand that she will see me after school for a one to one detention,

Fucking Result!

1982

Women complain about having a baby, well I say to you all have you ever been properly kicked in the bollocks full on with the perfect shot, by the woman you have just ruined the make up of,

well let me tell you that once you have popped your eyes back into your head, stopped the vomiting and screaming, the next step is to scramble around the floor in pure agony searching for your scrotum an balls, and once they are back in a safe place albeit the size of your fucking head , the uncontrollable crying can proceed,

so you see the minutes after contact is far more painful than nine months of pregnancy and delivery put together,

but some times it’s useful to be injured in such a manner when you have fucked up three girls night out, because sympathy comes to a man who is crying like a baby and rolling round the floor sucking his thumb,

Miss Makin bypassed her brunette girlfriend, who was still lying on her back soaked and stinking of beer and spirits, bleeding profusely all over the manky carpet from a broken nose, just to get to me, where she proceeded to check my tackle while asking questions of the medical type, it turns out she’s also a first aider, and considers a mans cock and balls a priority over a friends broken face,

the blonde girl who only had a pint of beer in the face overreacted somewhat and I told her so, in hindsight a bad idea as she reacted by grabbing as much ale as she could from a near by table,

and i obviously ended the day very wet myself,

the situation calmed considerably when my mates eventually stopped laughing their tits off and came to the rescue of broken girl and mad blonde, this left Miss Makin focused on me

1978

Detention started promptly at four pm, which was the time the school bell for home time went off back in the day,

I am sat alone waiting and waiting just where I was ordered to wait by Miss when she delt out this punishment,

my heart is pounding I am sweating from head to toe and I’m feeling so nervous, the wait for my punishment is so overwhelming,

and I’m ready to leave when the door of the room swings into action, and in walks Boudica,

At one minute past four standing before me was this vision of beauty, dressed in a leather basque leaving nothing to the imagination, her Breasts were spilling out in all directions,

her long legs went on forever, and I was fucking right, she had on stockings, with the obligatory suspenders and high high fucking heel boots laced up to the thigh,

the whip in her right hand was slowly being flayed

She spoke precise and slowly “wake up you little shit, wake up” I opened my eyes and I was being shook by the shoulders, and there before me was the head mistress, a dragon of a woman her halitosis breath burning my head alive,

She was shaking me, (over zealous with the shaking if you ask me) I must have dropped off, a fucking dream that’s all it was,

but what I receive next was not, I was bent over the chair i once sat upon moments before, while the fucking dragon whacked me with six of the best from the slipper, a common corporal punishment tool of the day, (head mistress obviously had been on the obligatory torture courses I've spoken about, but I suspect she had not got to level five punishment quite yet) Miss Makin was in at hand, maybe some in house torture training, but I was fine with her attendance as it helped me focus, as I had a great view of her legs from the position I was placed, on the down side our relationship faltered from that day forth, except within my head where she’s a regular visitor.

1982

She didn’t even bloody recognise me as she rubbed my cock an balls,

but she certainly recognised my manhood grow with every soft stroke of her perfectly manicured hand, which promptly helped her decide that I must be free from injury and it may now be time to stop,

and as she helped me to my feet, I felt I had to introduce myself, even though there was certain rejection on the horizon, due to my abortion of an attempted seduction,

I first thank her for helping a man in distress with which she smiles and reply’s your just a boy, with which I look down to where she had only minutes before been massaging, and she nods and says Fair point, we laugh and just start walking , I only introduce myself as John and she as Maggie, I feared at that moment she was about to reply Miss Makin,

but in a jaw dropping moment my life changed forever, Maggie askes me back to her place for a proper check up, but only on the provision we take a short cut through the cemetery, I’d take a short cut through fucking horse shite on roller skates if it means getting a chance to be inside Miss Makin, well inside Miss Makin’s house at least, fucking result on the cards,

Now it was very dark, damp and very Erie trying to navigate through all those fucking graves, that was until we came upon an empty one, a grave that seems to have been dug, but no one seems to be at home,

and this is where I feel I’ve been played because Maggie is now getting full on horny and insits we get into this freshly dug grave, now I may have been a little fearful, maybe nervous and panicky at that moment,

but I was in that fucking hole hoping to get into another hole well before her sentence was finished,

and what a fucking mess we were in when we arrived at her front door,

and I think I called it right, as it looked like we’d been rolling in horse shite for the last hour, alright it was thirty minutes, ok it was more like fifteen minutes but by my reckoning we’ve got all night once we’d bathed together,

It took literally five minutes to Maggie’s front door, as she lives opposite the cemetery on Manchester road,

so we were naked and washing each other’s back in no time, and once we were clean and smelling of roses I was taken by the hand and guided down two flights of stairs to the ground floor and towards a big mahogany door at the end of a corridor,

to me it looked like there may be a cupboard under the stairs where you keep your vacuum cleaner, which got me to thinking what was she expecting me to do with that? but I need not have been concerned because as she opened the door I could see that there was a staircase leading down towards a red light, and I knew then I was either in big fucking trouble or I was heading towards the fantasy of a life time that I have dreamt of for three years four months three days two hours seven minutes and twenty five seconds, but who's counting,

The dungeon of love was all that and more, Maggie had disappeared behind a curtain soon as she had me tied and bent forward over a chair, she quickly reappeared, and as I craned my neck to see, there she was naked with only thigh length boots to keep her warm, she stretched out her right arm from behind her back to show me the slipper she had in her hand, “well Mr Taylor do you remember this”

Fucking result!

15 grannies

The sunrise

1983/4

The band:- Wah

The song:- story of the blues

The artist:- billy Joel

The song :- An Innocent Man

The band :- Elvis Costello

The song :- every day I write the book

The band :- the Steve Miller band

The song:- the joker

IN THE BEGINNING

It was nineteen eighty three, and there was the introduction of a new lager to the north west, and at the time it was most welcoming,

and it had traveled all the way from little old Australia, arriving at the goodies (the local drinking establishment, and the name of this pub derived from its previous name, the good companions,) at just the right moment in time,

and the nectar of choice for all us northerners was the one and only Castlemaine xxxx

and with the introduction of this new ale a new craze was born, The main train

primarily just for one group of northern lads who took up the mantle and started the main train,

Now the main trains prime objective was to get as many lads dressed up in fancy dress and then all getting as pissed as you could, while attempting a pub crawl on a Sunday evening,

there were only two rules to abide by and they were to be at the goodies at opening time without fail, which of course was seven o'clock, and you must be wearing the chosen fancy dress of the day, which would be proposed the previous Sunday,

now this was of an era that the youth of today will not understand, but believe it or not pubs had last orders at 2pm and would not reopened until 7pm, and it seemed the only way you would know the pub was closing was by the sound of a big fuck off bell which would be rang by a landlord or land lady, if this bell did not ring I’m sure no one would have any idea of the time

and this would throw all pub goers lives into a state of chaos,

The only other rule the main-train had, was we all had to drink at least 1 pint of castle-main during the chaos that the evening was always likely to bring,

A DOZEN OLD LADIES

Sunday 7.01pm

Tonight’s dress code was that of an old lady,

so at precisely seven o'clock there was a dozen lads dressed as old bag ladies waiting for the doors of the pub to open its arms and drag us inside,

but on this particular night by the time the doors eventually opened

It was at least sixty seconds past the allotted time of seven o’clock, and there was a big group of around twenty five,

you see there was always extra lads that would join us occasionally to bolster the numbers, not all of these though would be in fancy dress, some would be here just for the crack.

well the night started off fairly optimistically,

the group was in high spirits, there was laughter at the array of costumes, and banter from the girls and girl friends of the lads, you see it was a close knit family of sorts,

and all the girls usually joined us at the beginning of the evening, as they would be meeting at the same venue,

and of course their group would be out on their own Sunday night pub crawl.

So the main train would enter the goodies from the car park at the back as per usual, but because a new bar staff had not been on the ball and did not unlock the back doors first so a complete 60 seconds had elapsed after opening time,

thus allowing another group of lads to enter the establishment some 60 seconds earlier through the front door, and with that serious mistake made by the new barman, the group took control of the pool area where the main train usually migrate to start the evenin off with a few competitive games, and a few laughs,

it was also a meeting area for the couples,

but not on this Sunday!

it was rumoured that the staff member who opened up the back 60 seconds late was never ta be seen again? well not in this boozer anyway,

the money was down and the challenge was on,

one of our grannies fancied his chances with a lad from the group hoggin the pool table, the table was situated on the 3rd tier up so it stood up some 4 or 5 steps up from the bar level which was situatated in the centre of the pub and with the bar bein oval ya could walk around the whole pub and still be near the bar at all times,

so when Chris challenges the lad to a game, it was agreed winner takes all,

and the all, was taking over the pool table for the next hour

so losing the pool area ta these lads was unthinkable,

no pool time before the main train session was fuckin sacrilege,

Unfortunately the game did not go well,

there was one accusation after another about foul play or cheating on the part of Chris, (who by the way would never cheat! unless he could get away with it) so maybe in hindsight he should not have taken that strike with his cue to the lads back as he was about ta take his shot,

bless the poor lad he collapsed forward over the pool table like a starfish, which in turn saw him miss the black ball and make a foul shot, and in the process he ripped the green cloth on the way down,

thus allowing Chris ta be crowned the winner,

except he did not have time ta take his crown, because as he turned to celebrate an unseen left hook hit his right cheek, and in doin so knocked off his hair net and sent him hurtling inta Gaz , Gaz was a big lad, and big Gaz in turn threw himself at the lad who had punched Chris, now this then sets off the other lads from the hostile group to join in the melee and dive in on Gaz,

but like the hulk he threw them in all directions causing them ta bounce off the Grannies of the main train, this then sets off the group and they also join the skirmish, thus turning the 3rd tier pool area inta an old fashioned cowboy saloon fight,

after a couple of minutes and the odd punch and slap from both sides the fight broke up and turned to banter then laughter, hand shaking all around and drinks for everyone, courtesy of Ste the pub landlord, and nobody got really hurt except for the odd nose bleed thick lip or bruised ego

8pm

1 hour after opening time

15 full on grannies half a dozen half hearted grannies and maybe a dozen hangers on and we’re at the first pit stop following the minor ruckus,

pints are goin down well but I cannot say the same for the costumes

Martin the group clown is playing up ta the crowd but unfortunately he is misjudging his audience,

the audience bein the flat cap brigade with a sprinkling of your butch English navie type,

You can also throw inta the meltin pot a few skineads and you’ve got a cauldron of hate towards a bunch of young brash fuckers dressed as women,

and with the class clown dancin like a bear with a sore head and Taunting the mass in front of him, there’s bound ta be some unpleasantness,

but fortunately for the group, and especially Martin we did have a bery big crowd behind us,

so the unpleasantries only went as far as verbals and the odd glass bein thrown, although Martin would think that was enough as one of the glasses was over his head fortunately for him his wig and hair net saved the day so no blood just a bruise or two

9pm

2 hours after opening time

drinks were flying round faster than a toupee in a hurricane and the main trains antics were getting somewhat wilder by the minute, We had all made it ta the barley mow in one piece, but those pieces were about ta be broken,

The fight was started and finished by big Gaz, he took umbrage to a purple Mohican , ok it was a solitary purple hair from the head of a purple Mohican punk barman, but such a hair should not be severed with a pint of lager and definitely not ta big Gaz, let’s say he was a little mystified to the foreign body floating around in his pint, so much so that the punk bar tender was dragged by his purple Mohican across the bar and with him came the array of drinks laden across the bar owned by an eclectic group of people from many walks of life and let’s say some of them may well of been unsavoury character’s,

so it was inevitable that the whole place was a war zone within seconds of all the drinks being lashed across the pub like a tidal wave of beer and glass

the main train had little ta do with the outcome of the dismantling of the barley mow, we left that to big Gaz,

we new he’d be fine, he loved a good scrap and would catch up later,

we all sneaked outta the side door, to get ta our final destination,

10pm

3 hours after opening time

The John Willy band were in full throttle, bangin out the tunes when we all arrived at the lion and systematically took over the back bar, as was usual for a Sunday night,

as the music was cranked up so we’re the bodies,

Ya could not move in that back bar of the lion hotel!

the only movement that was viable was up and down, and that had ta be in unison with the person next ta ya, otherwise ya could be left for dead under the feet of the many,

with the music raisin the roof ya could not hear ya self think,

ya would be soaked in sweat beer and urine,

with you’re hair matted to ya face and ya acne reacting badly ta the punishment you’re body was takin,

it would come out in force so ya look liked the elephant man,

and you think ta ya self this is not the time ta be chatting up girls! but ya do anyway, and ya fail, and yet you come back next week, and ta be fair the girls didn’t look much better than your self,

in fact most times they looked a dam site worse,

what with all the makeup plastered across their face and not in a professional fashion, and their eyes crying black mascara down both cheeks,

and if I’m being really honest I think it’s the girls that cause the smell of urine on the sticky floors of the establishment, cause fighting ta get through the crowd ta the toilet just isn’t worth it!

So as the guitars did their thing, and the drummer was banging out a sound unnatural to the rhythm of the song last orders were called,

it was now 10.30pm

so this was the time the main train indulged themselves and sort refuge in the optics as well as doubling up on the pints, and drank as much as they could before throwing out time at 11pm

and at this time of the night no one was really sure of how much we actually drank,

and how much contributed ta the sticky swampy carpet.

4 hours after opening time

11pm it was kicking out time so

now it was Chinese time,

and you wouldn’t think moving on from the last venue to the favoured Chinese restaurant of the maintrain would be that much of a challenge, being that it could only be a 2 minute walk away, with just one road to navigate,

but you’ll be suprised to what kind of trouble a big group can get into in under 2 minutes,

fortunately tonight fuck all happened in the course of our food pilgrimage.

DINING OUT

The thought of a dozen or so rowdy lads entering your establishment at the end of a very fruitful alcohol fuelled evening should have had the owner of the best Chinese restaurant in town heading for the hills, or at the very least battening down the hatches and cowering under a table furthest away from the front door, but no not the owner of the sunrise he welcomed us with open arms, a friendly smile and a shake of everyone’s hand as we all paraded through the half empty establishment,

but the strange thing was every time one of our party tried to take a seat at an empty table we were ushered further and further to the back of the main dining room until there was no where else to go, and very soon

we all had come to the end of the road, here we were 12 lads facing the back wall of the dining room like naughty schoolboys on detention, but as luck would have it that back wall only had a hidden door which was opened up by one of the waiters floating around our group, and on the other side of that door was another room, this restaurant was much bigger than I had appreciated, another dining room sat there out of sight of any doors windows or clientele dining that evening,

this did not bold well for the group who mostly felt uneasy being squeezed out of the main dining area,

but we were all starving,

the munches had set in and the sweet and sour needed to be obtained, so we settled into our chairs,

there we were 12 knob ead disciples sat around a banquette table, the ordering process was chaotic, we had 3 waiters taking notes from 12 slurred voices speaking frantically gesturing with there hands as if sign language was a requirement to get this order right,

In the end there was a feast of amazing food languishing on the magic table, cause this table had powers, it only fucking had different levels of turn tables building out from the centre like a pyramid laden with food, so if ya had your fill of the pleasures that was in front of you, you could just spin one of the turn tables and if by magic other delights of Asia would appear,

so with everybody’s bellies full, and the night finally coming to a close, our little group of disciples decide to disperse, paying there portion of the bill as they past the till, except that is for Dobbsy Azza Wayne and of course myself,

now I was there because I thought the night was to carry on at some other venue, but not realising that the 3 boys had no fucking money and we’re playing for time just to come up with an plan of how to get outta this place,

in fact I finally realised they never had any intention of paying when we arrived,

it was always gonna be doing a runner Azza explained,

the trouble is their plan was to situate themselves somewhere close to the door in fact the window table would have been perfect, but as the saying goes the best laid plans of mice and piss heads go tits up,

this one was no exception! Obviously they had not factored in the volume of bodies joining us on this pilgrimage to the Sunrise or the velocity of the owner to steer the group from the front of the restaurant to the back room, as far from the front door as you could ever possibly want in a quick getaway situation, it was an impossible state of affairs,

and I made my thoughts on the matter very clear, I offered to pay what I could on their share of the bill but they would have to come clean to the owner and hope he takes pity on them and keep the cops out of it, as long as they promise to come back and pay the following day,

I also joked they may all get bitch fucked while washing dishes for the foreseeable, I think that joke tipped the boys over the edge cause Dobbsy suggested an alternative,

he’d realised a flaw in the restaurant’s layout, the till lay at the front of the establishment within touching distance of their escape, so he suggested I should leave pay my share of the bill luring the owner into a false sense of security

they would follow slowly while I frequented a taxi and waited a Short distance from the front of the Sunrise,

they would then make a run for it jump into the back of the cab and ride off inta the sunset free men,

well that was where the plan started and finished, firstly as I paid and left the building I noticed all the waiters had gathered at the entrance, somewhat scuppering any escape by that route for the lads, but I carried on and played out my part of the plan and sat in a taxi some 100 yards to the right of the exit, and that’s when all hell broke loose, apparently the story goes, as the boys saw it,

they were well an truly fucked until Wayne saw a way out he suggested they make a run for it through the kitchen which was right there to the left of them ,

his thought was as every member of staff seemed to be congregating at the front of the place surely they could make their escape through the side door come out in the ally that lay to the left of the exit , then back to the plan, jump into the cab and hey presto same result, of course this did not happen, they were fortunate to get into the ally unscathed as there were to giants of men clearing up in the kitchen they realised what was developing before their eyes and acted accordingly, they quickly picked up their tools of the trade,

one fellow had a big mallet in one hand usually used for tenderising meat but was now about to tenderise the anatomy of a young English man moving at speed, in his other hand he held a big fucking chopper, god knows what he intended to do with that,

the other guy was swinging 2 big fuck off cleavers mimicking a windmill in a tornado,

the boys were to quick for these bulky guys and were out of the back door and down the alley in seconds, shortly followed by the two screaming Asian heavies, these guys were slow but relentless, the boys exited the alleyway and took a sharp left, suddenly they all stopped as one, looking bemused as they searched for their escape ride,

unfortunately like most plans this one was not thought out as well as it could have been, as I was waiting patiently in the taxi in the completely different direction to which they decided to run, there was no choice for the boys now they had to proceed at full speed ahead in their chosen direction, as the two gorillas in chase we’re almost upon them, Wayne gave them a dilemma to think about as he chose to split from the pack, he shot across the road being missed by the taxi I was in by inches, he then disappeared into the night, with this the heavies choice was made for them, they gave chase to Azza and Dobbsy who were so elusive to the extent that they kept evading me and the taxi I was in as I tried to pick them up and take them to safety,

as it was I gave up in the end and fucked off home to me bed, bringing this sorry episode to an end.

The following day

It came to pass that in the end Azza and Dobbsy had to return to the scene of the crime the following day, in their haste to extract a free meal from the Sunrise restaurant they had neglected to take there coats from the back of the chairs they were sitting at,

and as they were quite expensive coats which had their passports ( which was used for ID back in the day) in the pockets they thought it wise they returned and take their punishment,

and the punishment the 3 of them received ( they had to finger Wayne as the third man for their own health) was being bitch fucked over the dishwasher for the week, although Wayne enjoyed this so much he applied for the part time dishwashers job that was advertised.

THE BREAK UP

Lost love

lost pork chops

1986

song:- Should I stay or should I go?

Artist :- The clash

Song :- I’m your man

Artist:- Wham

Song :- walk like an Egyptian

Artist:- the bangles

song:- The story of the blues

Artist:- Pete whylie

HEARTACHE

April 1986

I was at a very low point in my brief adult life, at the age of twenty one I had everything going for me, a secure job, a semi detached house in an affluent suburb, great friends and family, a stunning fiancée and a fairy tale wedding to look forward to in just 4 weeks,

but that life came crashing down with a sliding door moment, and I often wonder if I did not walk through that door on that particular day would I have been married to a woman who did not love me, or would she have actually gone through with it and at a later date just leave? Questions that will never need to be answered, because I did walk through that door and it took me on a totally different path in my life from the one I had foreseen for myself, and do you no what I would not change one bloody thing, but of course I did no think that at the time.

It was the spring of nineteen eighty six just eight weeks after my wonderful fiancée through me an amazing twenty first birthday surprise party, but soon after things changed and I knew fuck all about it, my rosé tinted glasses were working overtime.

i guess it was around six pm, one Friday evening, I was working a late shift at work, so I was meant to be working till 10pm, but it was around 5pm that i started to feel a little unwell, I’m guessing a madras was not the best idea before my shift, god I had the most excruciating shits,

so anyway the manager of the warehouse where I was employed as a folk lift truck driver (believe it or not) took an executive decision and decided to send me home early,

thus putting this whole sequence of events into motion, and ending with a bungled drug fuelled terrifying none rape of a lonely twenty one year old young man,

5.30pm one Friday in April

Obviously I arrive home some hours earlier than I was expected, to the lovely three bed semi detached house my fiancée and I purchased just a couple of years earlier,

and with some tender love and care we had renovated the property to a point where we felt we could move in together prior to our marriage,

this event was getting ever closer, and we could not have been happier, and with no financial worries as we had paid for the special day in full, ( well I say we, it was mostly my fiancée’s parents )

As I put my key into the front door, well into the lock on the door obviously, I could sense something was wrong, or was it that i was imagining something was wrong? no I know what it is, i could smell something, yes that was it, i could smell something, something so beautiful, my minds was now racing,

how could she know? Maybe my manager had phoned ahead? I wonder what the occasion could be,

I slowly push open the front door in anticipation, then quickly moved down the hallway to the kitchen dining area, I push open the swing doors, ( we had the ones like in the western saloons, that swing both ways) it was the nineteen eighties, so don’t fucking judge!

and then there she was, my eyes sparkled to see my fiancée my bethrone, my first love, just sat there in all her beauty ,

her angel wings wafting gently in the evening sun , her halo shining so bright just above her flowing auburn hair which cascaded down her wonderfully long suntanned neck,

there she was, just sat angelic like at the dining table with that perfect smile, her big brown eyes staring across the room at me so lovingly,

the sweat glistening from her forehead as it runs unusually fast down her cheeks and off her top lip,

her perfect white teeth suddenly seem to be stuck in a fake smile like she was trying to let out a fart, and her face seemed to be stuck in some sort of android stare

but wait , no, It couldn’t be, could it?

Surely not, this can not be happening, no not my angel, I will wake up soon enough, I have obviously taken a tumble at work banged my head against a container, lost consciousness, been rushed to hospital, and I’m in a coma having the most awful nightmares, but soon I will wake up with the dulcet tones of my beloved urging me to wake, as her bed side Virgil will soon come to a happy ending, I blink, no I’m awake, I blink twice, for fuck sake, I do a double take,

back and to, back and to,

Who the fuck is that,

my eyes refuse to believe what is right in front of me,

But it’s true, there he is

this young chap finely dressed in a salmon coloured two piece suit, white shirt, crisply ironed of course, a paisley tie, all the fucking rage in the nineteen eighties, whoop the fucking do, but the one thing that lets the boy down was his shoes, first of all they were slip ons who the fuck wears slip ons, I don’t care what century your from, and they were scuffed to fuck, the dirty bastard, he looked about my age, and was sat opposite my beloved, my angel,

He also was looking lovingly into my eyes,

now, this is where it gets a little bit confusing, because, what I wished to see and what I actually saw were two completely different things,

the reality was the two of them looking into each other’s eyes lovingly, (Which does not look great for me and Jane going forward, does it?)

and I was the outsider looking in as the scene plays out,

He has my dinner plate in front of him,and this prick is sat in my chair, at my table,

“oh you’ve got to be fucking joking” I screamed without even thinking, and it was directed to the bloke sitting right in front of me, and in my chair, at my table,

Now you have to understand in reality, this all happened in milli seconds, in my head it took slightly longer than a mini series that was two season in,

I had to speak again, and what came from my gobsmacked mouth you may find hard to believe, but it is the unbridled truth, well my truth,

“hi baby, so who do we have here then, eating my fucking pork chops, cooked to perfection may I say”

and now I understand, the proverbial penny finally drops, that beautiful smell sensation that teased my sensesI as I entered my home, was none other than my pork chops, my sweet pork chops, tomorrow's fucking dinner I was led to believe, now it was tarnished by another, and I let the total stranger to me ( but I'm taking a put that Jane knew him) know in no uncertain terms that I will not share my fucking pork chops with no man, the words just tumbled out of my mouth like some weird speech

“Hey my friend do you understand that you are eating another man’s dinner,

a late dinner that he was looking forward to enjoying after a long day at work, and do you know my favoured cut of any animal is a pork chop, so please can you refrain from eating my fucking chops” my rant cartied on with

“No need to answer that because It’s rude to speak with a mouthful of another mans food”

”Oh and while your at it, maybe you could get your hand out of my fiancée’s pants“

now at this point I’m getting a little suspicious of his intentions here,

I know for a fact my angel does not have any brothers I know about,

and I have gathered this information over the last five years we’ve been in a steady relationship together, but I am hoping against hope that jane does have a brother, just one, pretty please,

and let’s hope he has just been a very very shy boy,

I know what you are going to say at this point, how do I explain that if it were her brother at the dining table, why would he have his hand down her pants?

Well there is a simple explanation for his actions,

he’s probably been away on an arctic expedition for the past five years, he’s then developed frost bite in said hand, and it was in desperate need of some heat, and what quicker way to warm ones extremities

hence hand down pants scenario, always the best place for cold hands right, we’ll it works for me,

and then of course he would certainly need some nourishment, probably been on rations for the duration, so I could just about forgive him eating my pork chops, he had more than likely been craving meat for such a long time,

and that is why I have never met janes brother, I rest my case for the defence.

but of course it wasn’t was it, he was not her brother,

he was just a friend from work, yes, just a friend from work, with a passion for another mans pork chops, and maybe other things,

things turned dark once I excepted the truth, the chap left, god bless him he left me one pork chop, and now Jane wanted to talk,

oh Christ, here we go, we are at that stage now, to this day I blame my fucking manager for our talk, we'll Jane talked I just sobbed and begged

But the talk did not go to well, for me anyway, for Jane I suspect it went amazingly.

So I’ve been relegated to the brother she never had, fucking joke,

yes you guessed it, “John” she said, “ I do still love you, I do,” but.... ( ahh here we go , let’s ave it, I know what’s fuckin coming) “but just like a brother”

Boom get in there, she smashed it out of the park,

I think I woke from my alcohol induced coma about a week later,I was back at my mums house probably till I pick up my old age pension

2 lesbians, a bed a balcony, and me,

1986

The song:- Lost weekend

The band:-Lloyd Cole and the commotions

The song:- To Much to young

The band:-the specials.

There comes a time when you have to experiment, try new experiences, be wild and put it out there, live life on the edge a little,

well after my first relationship disaster, I felt the need to get away and test the waters of the unknown

Well this instalment is all of that and more,

but I can assure you I did not have a say in any of it, I promise,

and I categorically deny any involvement or orchestration in the night that lay ahead, but what a night it was, well for me anyway,

and it was something I have not been able to replicate since, and that’s not for the want of trying!

Well I say that, I did not repeat it exactly

although I may have come mighty close at times through my adult life,

SHARING

the day started like any other,

I was living in Benidorm at the time, and had been there for several weeks,

I was working as one of those idiots that you got in the mid eighties,

you know the ones,

kids trying to be adults offering you the world to enter the establishment they tout for, pestering the passing trade offering themselves on a plate just to get the punters in,

or was that just me?

anyway there was always

some cheap shitty drink and the promise of a great time on offer when inside the club, which was all the incentive anyone just out of puberty needed,

which inevitably became just a blur in the history of there memories,

as I say the day started as any other I woke around one o’clock in the afternoon,

I was sharing a big fuck off run down apartment in the old town, with a group of people I hardly knew, and did not really want to get know,

but my appetite for women’s company placed me there for the majority of my stay in Benidorm,

on my first night in Benidorm I ventured out vaguely with the intention of looking for a job, but as I trolled the bars I gradually, but unintentionally grew intoxicated, and outside one of the many bars that existed on most of the streets of this party town I met a girl,

and in turn she introduced me to her boss, and I started work there and then,

Suffice to say Susie the girl and I did the honourable thing and shagged each other’s brains out all night in my hotel room, but gettin her up there was another matter as the night porter was a vigilant chappy,

but he did have a willingness to be bribed, which cost me in the vicinity of twenty pesetas, and well worth it in my mind,

now the morning after night before was somewhat of a shocker, Susie was still fucking there right next to me clinging to my right arm, and snoring like she was farting out of her mouth,

and the odour that leaked out convinced me that she was farting out of her face, and although I was hoping she would be gone,

her still being there by my side on this sunny morning was infact a blessing in disguise, as she and her other roomies happen to be looking for another flat mate,

and as I was roughing it in a luxury hotel at the time I thought what could go wrong, (I seem to think that a lot in my life, what could go fucking wrong?)

so after another quick romp in the sack just to get the morning going Susie took me to meet my potential new flat buddies, unfortunately

my new best friends just happen to be a bunch of space cadet fucking loons,

I mean if you could pick a bunch of different fucking plantpots, give them multiple different personalities, blend that with different cultures, languages and genders, throw the lot into the melting pot add a few drugs of your liking,

well you still wouldn’t get close to this group of fuckwits,

Let me introduce them to you one by one, first we have, Pedro, he was you’re complimentary Spanish roomy, I’d say he stood around 5ft 2 in high heels, he had shoulder length jet black hair, and was so tanned he disappeared when leaning against the mahogany doors,

he couldn’t speak a word of English, or chose not to, after all he is from Spain, In fact he didn’t seem to talk at all, he just ran around after the bloke he shared a bedroom with, a coked up cockney geezer, named Dave, who at around 27 was probably the oldest,

his job of choice was that of DJ at one of the local drinking establishments, and of course getting pedro to dance to his tune twenty four seven,

the young lady that introduced me to them, and to some very kinky bedroom antics was Susie, she was a strange girl, she never tired to communicate with me much once I had moved into the freak show of an apartment,

now this may have something to do with the healthy appetite I had for the new bedroom athletics she had introduced me to, but unfortunately it was not with her, but with her roommate Isabella,

now I’m not proud of this because Isabella, although absolutely stunning was not my type,

And actually I know that I was definitely not her type, because That moody cow Susie definitely was he type, and I was to find this out sometime later,

Susie was from Australia I believe, but could have easily been from Barnsley, as her accent fluctuated daily, she was a small girl 5ft 1ish, but boy did she grow into her petite body in the bedroom,

Isabella on the other hand was at least 5ft 9, slim build athletic looking, Spanish and a complete goon and pot head,

who’s only goal in life was to fuck the brains out of Susie and any other human beings as long as they were still breathing, (actually scratch that last statement, she would probably not have realised if her bed partner was not breathing)

last of all we have a guy from turkey, 6ft, 4 giant with curly black hair, and again another with a greatfucking tan, (for fucks sake my milk bottle good looks have got to come into fashion one day?)

anyway at this point his name escapes me, so let’s call him Brian,

well Brian was our Clint Eastwood arcitype, of the group, silent but deadly, shady eyes, unshaven wore a sombrero, and was the money man, so I kept the fuck away from him,

not just because he was scary, but because, he liked to borrow money on an interest free not paying you back ever type loan,

So anyway I’m up and out of the apartment for one o’clock after a lovely cold shower with water I can only think came straight from the sea, as you seem to have to share the murky dribble of water coming out of the shower head, with an array of wonderful creatures,

my days attire consisted of white United footy shorts, a pale pastel blue Fred Perry T shirt, collar up of course, and Adidas trainers, no flip flops in them days for me, so uncool, by one thirty I was out of the so called apartment, thank god,

I walked the two miles along the promenade following the sea line to my place of work,

where I sat down for a well deserved hearty meal consisting of the mandatory full English breakfast, (which at the time seemed to be a Spanish delicacy,) before starting a ten hour shift from four pm till two am, which was a pretty good shift, as you could get a few drinks on board and be ready to mingle with the party people soon as You clock off at two and there was still time to carry on the party until whenever the fuck you wanted to,

as long as you got some sleep before tour next shift,

I was working the Bar that fateful evening when the motley crew I lived with turned up,

it must of been around one am as I new I did not have long before I joined all the party people on the other side of the bar, I mean it did not matter that much that the bunch of shit heads turned up as I was quite inebriated anyway. Apparently it was big Brian’s birthday, and they were out celebrating, now I felt touched that they would come looking for me to join them, except that was definitely not the reason they had turned up at my work for the first time ever!

In fact big Brian just needed one of his free loans, in other words give me cash and stay healthy,

I loved being healthy, and Brian loves other people’s money so the deal was done,

and at least I was allowed to tag along as Brian did say he would get the round in, really Brian! Really, how fucking generous of you,

So it was getting on for four am now and we were all pretty wasted, and Brian still hadn’t got a fucking round in, in fact I think he had a aqcuired more of his special loans along the way, and as the bars slowly start to close we find ourselves assembled on the beach,

lay down on the soft white sand, looking upwards towards the sky with not a care in the world, and as I lay there sangria in hand, Gabriella suggested we all go skinny dipping , well since I was up for anything, I was naked in twenty seven seconds, I know I could have been quicker but that would have looked a bit over zealous, Gabriella and Susie were a close joint second behind me in the undressing olympics, but the undressing of each other probably hindered them slightly, but it definitely aroused me,

The other boys fiend drunkenness, and just lay there, the sad fucks,

So it was just the three of who entered the water, under a perfect moonlight sky, and before we could turn and shout to the boys”come on in and joine us the waters lovely “ they were up and had it away on their toes with all of our fucking clothes,! Twats,

Now I’m not moaning,

but I fucking loved that Fred Perry T shirt, and we never did see any articles of clothing again, an as a consequence I could never bring myself to buy any Fred Perry products again in my life time, I must have been rather traumatised by the whole Fred Perry incident more that I realised

, but for the now reality set in, and my concern was what do we do now?

Well the first thing we did was to get the fuck out of the water, and the second thing we did was get straight back in,

and the reason for this decision was that we’d spotted police on the promenade with their big shiny lamps and torches, so plan B was quickly formulated, which was that we decided to stay in the water neck height, and fucking bob up an down along the coast line to the old town,

now this is about a mile, and it was a touch chilly out there,

we were like three bobbing apples floating along,

but we got there and finally got out again,

now being in cold water for that amount of time, it does things to a young male,

and for any man it can certainly change your appearance somewhat in the nether regions,

what I’m trying to say is that from a distance, we were like 3 women coming out of the sea that night, albeit one woman was of the flat chested variety.

Now we had to do some serious scuttling around out there on the streets of old Benidorm navigating the narrow lanes of the old town, trying not to surprise some unfortunate old dear out for a morning stroll, or kill off any old gentlemen playing boules,

because the girls I were With were seriously fit and of course naked,

Gabriella would take anyone’s eye out if you stood to close at chest height and she suddenly turned to you, if you know what I mean,

Well finally we arrived at the steps of our apartment block relatively unscathed only to find that we had no keys,

and this was of course because we had no fucking clothes on, so no fucking pockets, hence no fucking keys aghhhhh!

What to do now? I stood there going blue trying to come up with a plan when susie came up with a magnificent idea,

“Johnny boy” she says, “why don’t you get your arse up that wall and onto the first floor balcony, cross over to the second balcony cut through to the hallway,

and there should be a shiny new key in the plant pot outside our door just waiting to be retrieved by a bollock naked albino boy” (charming I thought) “then just retrieve that there key, pop down the stairs like a good little boy and let us in” jobs a gooden, my simple reply to this request was “really, Well you can go fuck yourself till your blue in the face my dear, who do you think I am, a fucking ninja Spider-Man!“ her reply stunned me, “if you do it the two of us girls will perform any sex acts of your choosing on each other, before turning our attentions to you, then we’ll do anything to you that you fancy”

Well I was up that wall like a rat up a drain pipe!

And I had the two girls on the settee in two minutes flat,

And the only injury that was suffered in this act of heroism was a few abrasions on my bollocks, they swing low you see,

I am now dribbling, the sun was rising and so was I, the things women can do to each other is incredible,

the girls were true to their word, they had me in the bedroom on the balcony, and for good measure in the shower, my head will never forget that day and the bedroom Olympic’s,

the scars are with me to this day, and although I was an after thought in many of the games, (In fact I did have to remind the girls I was there at times,) at least I was a thought, and the memories will stay with me, and not you.

You really didn’t think I would explain every explicit action that took place that night,

suffice to say I became a better man that day,

although my bollocks have still not recovered and I guess they never will,

not long after that day I left that apartment to start my journey home to England by train across Europe, and what a story that is.

The Turk the Frenchie and a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs

1986

Song:- come on Eileen

Band:- Dexys

Song:- caravan of love

Band:- The housemartins

Song:- don’t you

Band:- simple minds

TIME TO LEAVE

Sometimes in life things pulls you in a direction that ya wasn’t expecting

and ya have ta reassess ya situation and take a path ya wasn’t expecting ta take or even wantin ta choose, but needs must ta persevere life,

so here I was, alone, and I needed to remove myself from a life threatening situation,

This situation followed some weeks after the 2 lesbians a balcony and me escapades

Sunday, 8am

DJ Dave wanted money and wanted it now! and he only wanted it from me,

his back up was Susie who was using the pretext of a rent hike, one that we had not agreed on, and one that far outweighed my income,

and my thoughts on the situation came in the form of a complete flat refusal.

well until I could get ta the bank the morning after ( I’m not so fuckin stupid to deny them the money cause the threat of Turkish Brian was their closing argument, the shit heads, Brian could get money outta the fuckin queen if needs must) but bein a Sunday there was no banks open and in the days before debit cards had become Common tender, the old currency of hard cash was used,

and ya had ta physically get off ya arse and venture out and enter a facility called a bank and actually speak to a human being, who would then interrogate ya to an inch of ya life before partin with what essential was your own money,

Sunday evening

The escape plan began ta form later that Sunday afternoon,Turkish Brian was nowhere ta be seen,

the girls of the house were sharin bodily fluids in their bedroom, and ya will know exactly what I mean if ya have read earlier extracts of me ramblings,

DJ Dave was restin before his set that evening, in reality he and his buddy Pedro were off their fuckin tits on whatever substances they could lay their hands on, and the effects from the said substances lay them so comatose that they did not know what planet they were on never mind where I was,

and so ta me, where the hell was l?

well I was creaping down the noisiest fuckin flight of stairs in all of fuckin Benidorm, every step was like a fire cracker goin off, causing my arsehole ta flex and pout at every step I took,

I’d secretly packed me backpack earlier that day, and left it handily in a closet near the front door,

and when I felt the time was right or when I stopped shitting meself on the loo, I was off,

I’d got me ticket for an evenin train earlier in the day leaving nothing ta chance,

I slipped like a snake through the tiniest crack that i allowed myself in the doorway and was flying down them creaky stairs and onta the streets where I continued ta shift like an invisible greyhound through the streets and avenues of old Benidorm,

not even bothering ta look back ta see if I was bein followed cause I just needed ta be outta there, be safe and be on me way home, but maybe I should of chanced an arm ta look back, then I may have spotted Turkish Brian following,

as I found my seat in the carriage of a train that can only be described as a train of the 19th century,

I breathed a sigh of relief, and had just opened my first can of San Miguel when a shadowy figure I thought I recognised swept past the window on me right, now the train was a very fuckin long train, carriage after carriage hooked together for the hundreds of passengers tryin ta get away from someone or somewhere,

I jumped up and rushed ta the door pulled down the window and prayed that I was mistaken, but I was almost certain that the figure disappearing in ta the distance was that of Turkish Brian, the figure boarded the train so close ta the front he could have been driving the fuckin engine,

but that suited me just fine as this could be a positive in what could only be described as a negative, as I’m situated at the back of the train and have no fuckin intention of movin forward unless I see the big fucker comin down the Isle, then my defence strategy would be ta baracade meself in the toilet pull the emergency cord scream like a fuckin baby and stay put and wait for the cavalry ta arrive,

and unless the Turk decides ta walk the length of this train for no reason but ta find me, which I don’t think he will,

if it really is him, surely I cannot be the reason he’s on the train, there’s probably a million reasons for a psychotic nut job ta be on the very same train as an ex lodger? it just has ta be a big coincidence,

So I slide back inta the carriage I was using before all this upheaval, and now it was not empty, in fact it was the complete fuckin opposite of empty, where had all these people come from in a couple of minutes fuck knows,

well I say all, there were six of em,

4 soldier boys,

an older gentleman in a tweed suit and trilby,

and then there was the French maid,

well I squeezed me self between the maid and trilby man, cause I didn’t fancy sharing the carriage for god knows how long sat between 4 butch testrone Spanish soldiers,

my first conversation was between myself and trilby man and it was conducted in sign language and grunts and groans as neither of us could speak one and others native tongue,

the gist of it was for me ta fuckin move ta me left cause I was invading his space, well fuckin sorry mate but I was here first! and I’m here ta stay!

I moved,

I went ta stand in the corridor, and ya know it was the best move I made cause French maid girl joined me, she was concerned for me as she wasn’t at all happy how trilby man spoke ta me ,

apparently he was very rude and abusive, which went straight over me head cause it was all in Spanish, he could ave been asking ta suck me dick for all I new,

but his hand and arm gestures suggested otherwise so I decided ta move ta the corridor for the time being, French maid girl introduced herself as Eileen in the most amazing French accent, but she was fluent in English so she had me there and then, I was smitten with this girl of maybe 23

I couldn’t put me finger on it but maybe it was her long long legs that seem ta go on forever, maybe it was the ample bosom that were in proportion with her amazing shapely figure or it could be those lips, the pixie nose and big blue eyes that were the corner stone of the cutest face even the ponytailed hair which was just the icing on the cake, but the reality was, it was the costume she was wearing that got me hot under the collar,

she was wearing the tiniest of maids outfit, complemented by stockings and suspenders, her breast just poured outta the low cut blouse,

supported by the flimsiest of aprons, now the only question that came ta mind at that moment was why? why was she dressed in the manner she was?

so I just came out and asked her, wether I believed her reply or not was debatable at that moment,

but as she wanted ta be my friend just then, and I certainly wanted ta get ta no her more intimately, as I had just fallen in love, sorry lust with her, anyway apparently she lives in a travelling circus and was on this train ta catch up with its caravans as she was in Benidorm for such a short time doin some private work, and when I pressed her where she was workin, it came ta light she was doin a bit of strippin for extra cash and was in a rush ta catch this particular train, and so did not have the chance ta change from her work clothes ( bein a stripper I would of imagined her work attire would be her skin, and technically she should be naked right now if she came straight here after work?) well I wasn’t gonna argue the point so I suggested a drink before she changed, she agreed ta the drink but insisted on changing which took her all of 5 minutes, and what a fucking transformation, she was hot before , but now in hipster style jeans a pair of red converse high tops a white t shirt tied at the waist and short black pixie style haircut, (so the blond ponytail hair was just a wig) well she was incredible!she smiled when I told her so

We talked over drinks in the bar carriage for what seemed like hours, about anything and everything she laughed about the situation I was in,

and I admitted that I would like ta have sex with her,

her reaction to this revelation was nothing like an English woman, she stroked my cheek with her left hand so gently then held my chin looked me in the eye and smiled and said soon,

unlike the British females where ya would get a kick ta the bollocks and a slap around the chops with a fuck off ya dirty little weasel, which was fair enough,

she even promised ta help if she could with my situation

The both of us by now were getting somewhat tipsy, when I spotted what I thought was the Turk down the next carriage,

I was never off me guard even when captivated by beauty,

I casually let Eileen in on the situation where upon she took me by the hand and walked me in the opposite direction down the carriage and locked us both in the toilet, where upon she was true ta her word and had her wicked way with me, which didn’t half take me mind of things,

and when I thought her wicked ways had reach its crescendo, my experience reached an even higher climax,

the things ya can get upta in a fuckin small space like a train convenience is unbelievable,

thank god Eileen was from a circus cause some of those positions we put are selves through would be impossible ta achieve,

ta this day I suffer with back problems

The problem of the Turk though was still at the forefront of me thoughts when we finally emerged from the toilet,

Monday 12.01am

Valencia

Several hours had past when I woke from a deep sleep, my sticky eyes just about formed a shadow in front of me as some one was shaking me, I peeled open both eyes and rubbed with my fore fingers and made out the delicious figure of Eileen standing over me, it wasn’t a dream, thank god, she was a real woman.

Eileen informed me we had arrived in Valencia and if I was still worried about the Turk suggested we change trains and head for San Sebastian where she would be catching up with he circus group where they were performing,

although this was an idea ta think about we did have a situation that was developing right there in front of us,

ya see while in conversation I just glanced over Eileens left shoulder, I could see clearly through the train window, stood there just a hundred feet or so away havin a cheeky fag was the Turk and it was definitely fuckin Brian,

Now he didn’t seem ta see me lookin, so maybe we had time ta develop a plan, and it was quickly worked out that the easiest way for me ta leave this train without bein seen was a disguise, now pray what disguise could Eileen possibly have up her sleeve?

5 minutes in the same toilet we had been in hours earlier and I was transformed inta the most beautiful creature ya would have ever seen if I do say so me self

We disembarked the carriage right under the nose of the Turk and he didn’t even bat an eye lid, which I was surprised at as I’m sure he was looking me right in the eyes, but maybe he just saw the beauty before him and fancied the fuckin pants off me, cause I know I would, I was so fucking gorgeous, made up ta the nines,

Eileen had already been ta the ticket office and purchased tickets ta San Sebastián before we left the train as two fanciable females,

so all I needed now was ta walk the walk for just a few hundred metres ta the next platform,

and goddam did I walk the walk, I was like a mini super model, in high heels and stockings, strutting my stuff,

I fucking owned that Spanish platform,

Now a sensual and sexy act happens 20 mins inta the journey ta San Sebastián, and once again it took place in the convenience of the train,

Eileen and myself locked are selves in just ta remove me disguise, but something happened as we faced each other at close quarters, and before anything came off, somethin went in, ya see the passion took over and love making as 2 women was the only way ya shake this feelin we both seemed ta have,

and how erotic it was, cerfice ta say we both came bloody quickly that day.

well I say we both, ya never can tell with women,

although for that short period in time I was very much a woman and I certainly did! fuckin everywhere, so if that was the climax of the day

The rest of the journey was an anticlimax, after what we’d been through we mostly slept while the train was just chugging away ta it’s next destination

Monday 7.03 am

San Sebastián

We were met at the station by absolutely know one, I was expecting a troupe of clowns and jugglers on animals of all shapes and sizes, but no, we left the station on foot and had ta walk the mile ta where the circus was based for the next day or two,

now I don’t know about you and I don’t know too much about circus life meself but I thought they were held in big fuck off tents full of animals and shit every where,

there had ta be elephants and monkeys, clowns and fucking jugglers, cages with Lions and tigers and women with beards,

a big top with a ring master was a must, but fucking no! This was a circus called archaos, and they were based behind a theatre of sorts where they lived in a convoy of nine magnificent gypsy caravans pulled by many horses, which were the only animals in sight,

well except for the obligatory scabby dog,

they ply their trade across the the villages of Southern France and Italy and the acts were a group of young ambitious fruit cakes that fucking juggled with chainsaws ate fire shot arrows at each other chained and whipped each other ya an inch of their lives while bending backwards in fucking two, yes these were truly mind blowing fucking freaks, that bathed in danger and I was now emerged into it, stuck in the back of one of the caravans with a French maid that I now see in a totally different fucking light!

Outta the frying pan and intta the fire I think you’ll find the saying is,

The handcuffs secured me ta the bed, it’s ok they did not chafe as they were the pink fluffy type that you would pick up at any sex shop,

and when I was secure lying there in an all in one rubber suit, the show began,

Eileen started twisting her body inta all shapes and did things with knives and fire I could have only imagined before,

but everything I witnessed that day and everything I was apart of was now embedded in me memory for a life time, only ta be taken out ta examine in me own company and only on special occasions,

all this acrobatic bodypumpin shite was performed practically naked which would usually be a huge turn on for me in other circumstances,

but alas I had other things on me mind,

now I didnt know what type of circus this was without animals but I sensed I should be leaving soon and have no part of it, well as soon as Eileen releases me from me pink shackles,

the group were traveling to Bordeaux then onta Marseille which I was invited ta join by Eileen, (i’m now fearing I may have been reduced to a sex Slave as I have not left caravan number 9 , now better known as the caravan of love since we moved off from San Sebastián,) I played along though since there was little else ta occupy me mind except Eileen and her assortment of goodies,

We arrived at Bordeaux and a plan formed for my second escape of the week, It was a very simple plan,

when we arrived at Bordeaux I noticed we were close by the station, and as I was now free from my shackles and Eileen seemed ta be preoccupied with training, honing her skills if ya like, I just took a walk and never returned, (what a fuckin plan eh!) a ticket ta Paris was purchased, then a tense 20 minute wait on the platform, and I boarded another train, but this time I promised meself I will not talk to anyone until I arrived on British soil!

Unfortunately I never fucking listen ta me self, and what happens in Paris stays in Paris.

the 21st century

I often wonder what

happened ta Eileen did she get old and fat did she marry and settle down with kids or did she cut her own fucking head off in a freak accident with a chainsaw, I suspect one will never know.

Rape night in Paris.

1986

song:- Should I stay or should I go?

Artist :- The clash

Song :- I’m your man

Artist:- Wham

Song :- walk like an Egyptian

Artist:- the bangles

song:- The story of the blues

Artist:- Pete whylie

HEARTACHE

1986

I was at a very low point in my brief adult life, at the age of 21 years 2 months 3 weeks 4 days & 17 hours old,

This was the summer of 1986, and the story I’m about to tell actually began a few months earlier,

i guess it was around 6pm, one Friday evening, I was doing a late shift at work, so I was meant to be working till 10pm, but it was around 5pm that i started to feel considerably unwell, I’m guessing a madras was not the best idea before my shift, god I had the most excruciating shits,

so the manager of the warehouse where I was employed as a folk lift truck driver (believe it or not) took an executive decision and send me home early

thus putting this whole sequence of events into motion, ending with a bungled drug fuelled none rape of a poor Lonely 21 years 2 months 3 weeks 4 days & 17 hours old young man,

5.30pm a Friday in April

I obviously arrive home some hours earlier than I was expected, to a lovely 3 bed semi detached house my fiancé and I purchased just a couple of years earlier,

and with some tender love and care we had renovated the property to a point where we felt we could move in together prior to our marriage,

this event was getting ever closer, and could not have been happier,

we had booked and paid for the special day in full, ( well I say we, it was mostly my fiancée’s parents )

As I put my key into the front door, well into the lock on the door obviously, I could sense something was wrong, or was it that i was imagining something something was wrong?

No That was it i could smell something, yes that was it, i could smell something, something so beautiful, my minds was now racing,

how could she know? Maybe my manager had phoned ahead? I wonder what occasion could be,

I slowly push open the front door in anticipation, then rushed with optimistic eyes to the kitchen dining area, I push open the swing doors, ( we had the ones like in the western saloons, that swing both ways) it was the 80s so don’t fucking judge!

and there she was, my fiancée my bethrone, my first love, just sat there in all her beauty ,

her angel wings wafting gently in the evening sun , her halo shining so bright just above her flowing auburn hair which cascaded down her wonderfully long suntanned neck,

there she was, god dam it, just sat angelic at the dining table full of smiles, her big brown eyes staring up at me so lovingly,

the sweat glistening from her forehead as it runs unusually fast down her cheeks and off her top lip,

her perfect white teeth suddenly seem to be stuck in a fake smile and her face seemed ta be stuck in some sort of android stare

but wait , no, It couldn’t be,

I do a double take,

back and to, back and to,

Who the fuck is that,

my eyes refuse to believe what is right in front of me,

But it’s true, there he is

this young chap finely dressed in a salmon coloured two piece suit, white shirt, crisply ironed of course, a paisley tie, all the fucking rage in the 1980s whoop the fucking do, but the one thing that lets the boy down was his shoes, first of all they were slip ons who the fuck wears slip ons, I don’t care what century your from, and they were scuffed to fuck, the dirty bastard, he looked about my age, and was sat opposite my beloved, my angel,

He also was looking lovingly into my eyes,

now, this is where it gets a little bit confusing, because, what I wished to see and what I actually saw were two completely different things,

the reality was the two of them looking into each other’s eyes lovingly, (Which does not look great for me and Jane going forward, does it?)

and I was the outsider looking in as the scene plays out,

He has my plate in front of him and this prick is sat in my chair,

at my table,

“oh you’ve got to be fucking joking” I spat out without even thinking, and it was directed to the bloke sitting right in front of me, and in my chair, at my table,

Now you have to understand in reality, this all happened in milli seconds, in my head it took slightly longer than a mini series , two season in,

I had to speak again, and what came from my gobsmacked mouth you may find hard to believe, but it is the unbridled truth, we’ll maybe

“hi baby, so who do we have here then, eating my fucking pork chops, cooked to perfection I may add”

and now I understand, the proverbial penny finally drops, that beautiful smell sensation I had enjoyed as I entered my home, was none other than my pork chops, my sweet sweet pork chops,

my late fucking dinner, now tarnished by another, so I comment to this total stranger sat at my table, (but I’m taking a punt that my beloved knew him, ) “Hey my friend do you understand that you are eating another man’s dinner, a late dinner he was looking forward to enjoying after a long day at work, and do you know I love a pork chop, so please can you refrain from eating my pork chops” my rant cartied on with

“No need to answer that cause It’s rude to speak with a mouthful of another mans food”

”Oh and while your at it, maybe you could get your hand out of my fiancée’s pants“

now at this point I’m getting a little suspicious of his intentions here,

I know for a fact my angel does not have any brothers I know about,

and I have gathered this information over the last 5 years we’ve been in a steady relationship together, but I am hoping against hope jane does have a brother, just one, pretty please

and let’s hope he has just been a very very shy boy,

I know what you are going to say at this point, how do I explain that if it were her brother at the dining table, why would he have his hand down her pants?

Well there is a simple explanation for his actions,

he’s probably been away on an arctic expedition for the past 5 years, he’s then developed frost bite in said hand, and it was in desperate need of some warmth,

hence hand down pants scenario, always the best place for cold hands right, we’ll it works for me,

and then of course he would certainly need some nourishment, probably been on rations for the duration, so I could just about forgive him eating my pork chops, he was more than likely craving meat for such a long time been,

and that is why I have never met janes brother, logical.

but of course it wasn’t was it, he was not her brother,

he was just a friend from work, yes, just a friend from work, with a passion for another mans pork chops, and maybe other things,

things turned dark once I excepted the truth, the chap left, god bless him he left me one pork chop, and Jane wanted to talk, oh Christ we are at that stage now, we have to talk, to this day I blame my fucking manager for our talk,

and the talk did not go to well, for me anyway, for Jane I suspect it went amazingly.

So I’ve been relegated to the brother she never had, fucking joke,

yes you guessed it, “John” she said, “ I do still love you, I do,” but.... ( ahh here we go , let’s ave it, I know what’s fuckin comin!!! ) “but just like a brother”

Boom get in there, smashed it out of the park she did,

I think I woke from my alcohol infused coma about a week later back at my mums till I pick up my pension.

THE STRANGER

June 1986

A couple of months have past and I soon had to leave the shores of Great Britain to mend a broken heart , and so where to start,

well it could start, where I met the Moroccan lad on his own journey,

but I will leave that for another day,

so I’ll start from the point where I’m heading back to the UK, from Spain, and an unforced stop in Paris,

Now where to start?

Ok, after very along and very strange journey home, I’m finally on a train heading into Paris, id put it at around 11pm, on a bleak stormy French night

now unbeknown to me on my journey here that there would be no connection to Calais till 6am the next morning,

ok that is a fucker of a decision by the French rail service but not to much of a hardship, now don’t forget people of the world, back in 1986 there were, no mobiles, no iPods, iPads, Spotify, not even any portable CD players, you would be lucky to get your hands on a cassette Walkman, so life on the road then was not as comfortable as it is in the 21st century,

but I will be fine, I’ll just find a bar or cafe in the station and wait it out,

well this thought was to be taken from me , threw on the icy ground and shat on, by the few words the French guard at the ticket office could say in English, “were closed “

My head goes into a fucking meltdown, “you mean closed as in locked up,”? “Oui,”he replied,

“till when”

“Demain” he reply’s

that’s Tomorrow, in French I believe,

as I got a minus 10 in a French exam at school, it could have meant bed over and take it like a man for all I knew, (and I nearly did later on in this little monologue,)

So now I’m on the streets of Paris, ruck sack in hand, and only a thin jacket between me and death by hypothermia,

What to do now,

now that is a question,

Ok, so I find a large step underneath a canopy leading off the station wall, I pull a towel out of my rucksack, and wrap myself and curl up on the hard cold icy surface,

I close my eyes and attempt to sleep,

and I pray tomorrow comes today,

and a saviour arrives in the guise of a well dressed middle age man, with an accent that was French, “excuse me young man, I don’t know if you remember me but I was on the same train as you,”

And I had offered the other fellow you were talking to, a room for the night,

but we seem to have misplaced one and other,

can you help with his whereabouts? Well of course I fucking couldn’t!

I never spoke to anyone on the train, but I said “afraid not, he’s probably found another place to stay” “Well sir” says this distinguished very tanned well dressed gentleman, this is your lucky day, I’m thinking, I’m sure it fucking is, I’m saying “I’m listening“

“Well young man, may I know your name so I know whom I am addressing,”

course ya can cocker, “my name is Brian, and who might you be,”

“I am pierre, and I shall offer you a room for the night to help you get out of this awful weather”

I’m sure you will, and you will tuck me in, with a glass of hot milk , a smile and a warm good night, I thought this in my head,

but actually said, “sounds like a plan, show me the way” now you’ve gotta understand, of course I knew what was really goin on, but I also knew I was fucking freezing, and thought I could handle anything put in front of me,

So off we set, my little French dandy, and me following close behind like a stray puppy looking for warm bed and a glas of milk, and I was determined to get it at any cost!!

Well almost any cost,

Me head is spinning left to right back and front, scouting, checking signs, working out the best way back to the station,

in case for some reason this nice older gentleman, may have a different agenda than the one playing out in my head.

So we’re here, at the front door of this 4 story apartment block,

an old school type building,

as we enter I noticed I could not see a lift , it was stairs all the way, and with the press button light switch that goes off by the time you get to the next floor,

you have to be quite energetic to live in a place like this, so off we go,

up up and away,

and soon we’re at the kind concerned gentleman’s front door,

as the door is opened, this is the point when I notice something is not quite right here, and I am thinking it may have something to do with the amount of books he has in his hallway,

now I know I love to read, but this bloke has so many books in his hallway,

They were stacked up, floor to ceiling, and so deep that I had to navigate my way down the hallway like a crab, sideways, (yes readers I fucking went in!Derr, it was really cold outside, anyway what possibly could go wrong)

I even had to leave my rucksack at the front door, with the towel I had wrapped around me, ( now this was probably the best decision I had made during this mad mad night)

So as I am shimmering side ways down the hallway I peer into each room, I have my back to the books,

the first room opposite was the kitchen, behind me was another room , that can only be describe as his library, as it was stacked full of more fucking books, floor to ceiling, (god I hope this bloke is not illiterate)

then we came to the main room, at the doorway just on the inside was a chair, this chair I will make my own,

opposite the chair was a double bed, what possible could go wrong,

the ceiling was a skylight, and, yeah you guessed it the rest of the room was full of books, (I did wonder if he had actually read any of these)

I was just positioning myself into the chair, when mr charming, called out, “would you like a drink” monsieur,

I was on my feet and shimmering down the fucking book fuelled hallway, like a ferret up a drainpipe,

“no no Pierre, I’m good“ was my reply to him, and as I peered around the doorway, I was just in time to see him, stirring something very suspect into the drinks

I just about made it back to the chair as I heard Pierre clanking away with the drinkypoos,

He arrived in the doorway full of teeth and eyes glazed over,

His perfectly combed salt and pepper hair, was all over his face,

and his trousers, Where the fuck were his trousers,

this was the point my fingers turned into a clamps and gripped the arms of the chair, and my body froze, sweat appeared on my top lip and I could not move, (but don’t worry what could go wrong)

Well it did, thing rapidly turned to shit,

I turned down my drink, but he had already drank his, and I can only describe his appearance, as being off his fucking tits,

Well the French dandy strips naked, and leaps on the bed penis in hand,

he rolls over, and starts to masturbate in front of me, fuck, I’m in a trance, I just cannot move, fuck, think? think? More masturbating takes place, and faster and faster he goes,

Your gonna rip that fucking thing of if you go any faster you bell end,

again I kept this thought well and truly in my head,

My chance arrived seconds later, the French knob head, turns,

but turns the wrong way,

there’s a crash bang and a fucking wallop,

and the Parisian fuckwit only went and fell off the fucking bed,

There’s a rebel yell, and I’m fucking out of there,

shimmering, like no one has ever shimmered before,

I’m getting close to the front door now,

I hear a noise behind me, oh for fucks sake go back to bed you fucking plant pot, I’m just popping out for some milk,

I turn and as I do so I reach for the towel on my rucksack, I spin in the small available space, and pow, fuckin direct hit , the towel (blue if you really want to know the colour) hits the gentlemen directly in the face,

he’s blinded for a second, and grabs out, but in his hysteria

he only goes and pulls the wall of bloody books onto himself, (now if I was not in the predicament I was in, I would be pissing myself laughing)

I rip open the front door grab my bag, allow myself a quick look at the devastation the French dandy has done to himself,

He was on all fours scrambling over a mountain of books, he had tears in his eyes , and had shat himself, because I’m sure the fucking idiot drugged himself by mistake,

it was at this point I lost a little respect for this gentleman.

I’m down four flights of stairs like a jack rabbit banging those fucking lights on as I go, I’m out side and on me toes,

back at the station, I sit and contemplate I look at the time, I looked to the sky, twenty minutes of warmth, that’s all I had, and was it really worth losing my towel for twenty minutes of warmth,

One will never know.

A Moroccan, a donkey and a whole lot of trouble

1986

Band:- Simon and Garfunkel:- song:- homeward bound.

Band :- pet shop boys

Song :- west end girl

Band :- big audio Dynamite

Song :/ E=MC2

I’m sitting in the railway station got a ticket for my destination,

These words were on a loop navigating their way around my head as the day began,

and with the early morning frost melting away, the sun rises to light up a brand new day,

I’m sat on platform 1 minding my own business, just patiently waiting for that precious train that would finally take me to the edge of my destination, yes a place called home.

with last night now a distant memory, my thoughts were only focused on the day ahead, and with my emotions now in check I was ready to start the final leg of my journey,

it was precisely then when I once again let my barriers down as I believed I would be on home soil this very day.

When out of the blue this young guy, who I’d peg at around twenty years of age approaches me,

oh for fuck sake! I thought,

have I got fuck buddies tattooed on my forehead? because this lad introduces himself as Azzam, and seemed eager to start up a conversation, he told me he was from Morocco,

his back story was that he was selling his camera equipment for cash so he could get back home to Morocco,

now you can call me a knob, but this lad was a cheerful chappy, he had the gift of the gab and was a very likeable lad, he would stand a couple of inches taller than me in height,

but he did have a big fuck off Affro,

he went onto say he was at university at Amiens ( a small university town some forty minutes or so from Paris,)

and after a twenty minutes conversation over coffee,

(paid for by me by the way,)

I end up coughing up a few francs, (French money back in the day) for the said camera and equipment,

And do you know, it only turns out that I’d be passing by that very town on my way back home,

so Azzam suggested I accompany him for the day, and he would show me some of the sights of Amiens , you see he also was going down to Amiens to pick up some of his belongings before heading home to Morocco,

Now did I question any of this,

did I fuck,

did I want another adventure,

Maybe

is this gonna be a straight forward journey,

I do not believe so,

So I really should stay on the train straight through to Calais,

We caught the first train of the morning straight to Amiens,

now as a young man of the world, I was under no such elusions as to what may happen, so the first thing I do as soon as we depart the train,

I go looking for the first available hotel,

which luck would have it stood right across the road from the station,

perfect for an easy getaway, if one was needed one would think,

but already like my fucking shadow Azzam decides to follows me to the hotel and into the reception area,

Which of course I was not expecting, I presumed wrongly he would wait for me where we

originally arranged to meet, at a coffee shop just down the road,

but now he thought it would be a great idea to stay in my room tonight , and when I inquired why

He twisted my mind with what he had to say next, “Well Johnny I know a couple of young ladies that would be up for a romantic assignation followed by rampant sex, and your nice clean hotel room would be the ideal place to round off the night, and it certainly beats a shitty uncleansed university dorm that I have at my disposal”

So with that thought I rang the bell at the reception,

well I say reception it resembled nothing short of a horror movie set,

there was this big fuck off mahogany front desk, with what can only be described as 2 statues of gargoyles

standing to attention on either side of it,

and when I rang the bell, well what I should say is I pulled the chain hanging there and the chime of hell rang out, and with that a ten foot man /monster appeared before us,

He had the look of lurch,

he wore a scraggly black pinstripe suit full of bird shit and stains, white as snow straw like hair with birds nesting in it,

fingers so long he could stand in for Freddy Krueger,

(God I’m looking forward to staying here tonight) we were given a key to room 69, (well I never, that’s a bit of a nod for tonight’s shenanigans )

“Follow the staircase around and around till you get to your room” lurch mumbled, in his pigeon English, ( no lifts in this dump then!)

do we really want to be go up there, I was thinking as each and every step took the two of us closer to the top and to our fate,

what the fuck is behind the door of room 69 anyway,

And I reiterated this to Azzam ( as the sound of what can only be described as wolf hounds echoed the halls of this fucking scary beast of a hotel)

Azzam at this point was so close to me he could have hopped on for a piggy back,

We’re now stood silently, outside the door with the number 69 painted onto it in blood red,

I have my hand on the key in the lock,and was about to open up, and enter into a new world that this room has to offer,

when a hand comes down hard on my shoulder, “Jesus Christ all fuckin mighty” I screamed,

I turn and Azzan who is in fits of laughter, says to me, “I’m not sure we’ll get the girls to come to this shit hole my friend,” no shit Sherlock,

I throw the door open and the two of us are standing there aghast, our jaws dropped to the floor, eyes wide open, just staring for a second or two

Because what we see before us you are never gonna believe!

It’s only your fucking average clean hotel room, with tea and coffee facilities, short bread , and what looks like a very comfortable double bed,

sorry, but lurch also turned out to be a very nice eccentric loon pot,

and there were no monsters or Ghouls to be heard of I’m afraid,

but what it did have later on that evening, was two very sexy French girls with a very big appetite for the art of love making,

except we never really had the time to get to know them quite as well as we’d have liked that evening,

as we had to flee the hotel before the room could steam up with the hot and passionate shenanigans,

and I am about to tell you why.

First we left are bags in the room and shuffled off towards the university quarter of the town, where Azzam was as good as his word ,

there were indeed two friends of his waiting, well I say waiting they were just there, as it’s a big student hang out, and Azzam just got lucky,

Elise and Gabriella, and if memory serves, two bright young starlets, both girls were brunette, very intelligent and very very horny,

now believe it or not, I was not a bad looking young chap back in the day,

but even I was astonished to how brazen these two young beauties were,

Azzam on the other hand was not, it seems he knew them well, very well indeed,

Unfortunately I would not get the chance to be that lucky,

The evening started swimmingly, the four of us flirted over cocktails,

there was laughter and singing, and as the night wore on it was down to me to see if we all wanted to move onto somewhere else,

and I’m sorry to say,

I did used the line do you fancy a night cap at mine on the girls,

which actually caused some confusion as the girls replied we’d prefer a shag! (In French of course which sounded so much more civilised)

Jesus you Frenchies are so blunt,

Azzam by then had them on their feet, and was pushing them up the road into the direction of the hotel before the bar tab was paid, which of course was left to me, again, ( fucking hope this is worth it)

We are climbing the stairs, and the girls seem to be oblivious to their surroundings, they just kept going up and up giggling, and taking off a piece of clothing with every step,

and just behind them Azzam and me were also giggling with every step,

but for very different reasons, I suspect our giggles were just masking the anticipation of what was about to come,

we were also aware though of the spooky side to this creaky hotel,

so we’re at the door, four together huddling, us boys still mostly clothed,

but the girls total naked,

I turn the key and we all fall through the door and land in a tangled mess, arms and legs everywhere, like some weird psychotic game of twister, I raise my head laughing,

but I sense something is wrong, something is not quite right,

I try to dismantle myself from the limbs that were on offer that night,

and I stood to assess the situations,

on the one hand, I could not keep my eyes off two beautiful naked young ladies fondling each other right in front of me, but on the other hand, I could not shake the sense of urgency that crept up slowly all over my body,

Azzam felt the same, because when we made eye contact he was already hurriedly getting to his feet,

“what’s happened to the room” Azzam says, now there was not much wrong with the room, only that we knew the bags were in the wardrobe and not on the bed, as they were now,

the sideboard draws were open, but we went straight out without touching them,

and the camera equipment was gone,

and since I had just purchased them from Azzam, I knew where I had put them,

this was all assessed in seconds, and as we looked at each other and then the girls, my feeling was as only the camera equipment was gone, (I had the camera with me for photo evidence of this night,)

And before you think why carry a camera with you on a date

well we did not have mobile phones back in the good old days, so there was no portable life in your fucking pocket,

so as I say, as it was only the equipment that had gone, I thought it was maybe a good idea we let it go, and carry on with what could turn out to be a very fruitful night,

well Azzam was having none of it, he looked physically sick, he started to sweat, although it was a cold night, and there were two hotties right next to him, “their looking for me” he screamed, “we have to get out of here right now”, I say “hold up mister, what the fuck you ranting on about”

well his story goes, that he had borrowed the camera and equipment from a photographer, who was working at a wedding he was at in Paris, and he is guessing that the injured party may want his shit back,

now as I have the camera around my neck I’m thinking yep I think you might be right, let’s scarper and reassess,

so we calmly check are bags and then checked the girls, we cry a little and we say our goodbyes,

but we are totally ignored as the two frenchies have progressed to the bed,

and are completely engrossed in each other, “dam you Azzam” I whispered as we look at each other and leg it, we are on are toes down three flights of stairs before we come to a sudden stop at the bottom, where we find lurch is waiting, his right hand holding a chain which is connected to what I can only describe as a big fucking monster of a wolf,

but in hindsight it was probably, a lovely family doggy,

“so my friends you’ve had visitors, they gave me money i show them room, they say meet at station across the road, and all will be fine with the world,

so I think you should leave and no police will be informed,”

and on that note we fucked off via the kitchen and out the back door,

now being in a rural place there were some obstacles to be addressed,

and we did this by running like mad men jumping garden fences crossing dirt roads,

fields full of shit from whatever animals had been roaming there earlier, water filled ditches from the rain that has steadily fallen since are unexpected exit,

and fences that were unnaturally high,

Pretty soon we had decided we were far far away,

and believed it would be safe to stop for a breather, but

It was only then we realised that we were only maybe a mile from where we started, we had been going around in fucking circles in the fucking dark, it was at that point I came to the conclusion Azzam was either shit at direction or maybe he does not know this place as well as I thought? (He did know those girls though)

the sign post which we were resting only confirmed this,

we we’re now standing on a narrow dirt road wet and heavy, with are clothes weighing us down with all that rain water and cow shit,

now this is where it gets heavy and scary!

Headlight beams from what was a far away car hit the hedges just a short distance from the two of us,

and at that moment we both had the same idea, in unison we both dived at speed over the hedge we were standing near,

and again in unison both landed face first in the cow pat, horse shit, and rabbit droppings that must have gathered over the past few months, waiting for two silly twats to go swimming in the mire!

Eeyore, Eeyore, was the sound that greeted us as we both shook the shit out of our ears and managed a glance upwards, only to be faced with the long nose and big teeth of the solitary donkey watching over the two of us,

we turned to each other then back, and as I looked back at Azzam, I could literally see the light bulb over his head as he spoke these words, “this is our salvation, our way out “ I replied simply “fuck off” “no no I have a donkey back home and there very fast” I replied “fuck off” “no listen let’s mount him now and we can head for that gate, and he pointed to the distance, as if I could give a shit, there that’s our escape route” I replied “fuck off” and with that we both mounted the donkey,

Azzam at the front and me at the back and started our trott to freedom,

to be fair the donkey could shift even with the weight of two shited up refugees sat upon his back,

but alas not fast enough for my liking, you see as we past through the gate and headed up the narrow lane I could still see the headlights, albeit some way off, but defo gaining quickly,

clippety clop clippety clop, away we go! Oh Jesus Christ I screamed, their gaining fast,

that was my last look before I decided to dive off the speedy beast and leg it cross country, it was then I spotted in the distance a barn and I thought this would be a great place for a hiding place, I’m maybe a hundred yards away from it when I chance myself a glance over my shoulder, poor Azzam, the Range Rover I could see clearly now, had caught up with him, as the poor old donkey had given up the ghost, it had stopped dead in its tracks panting only like a donkey could pant,

and Azzam was being pulled from its back, by the scruff of his neck,

I dived shoulder first in sheer panic at the barn doors only to bounce ten ft into the air backwards into more fucking shit, my thoughts at this time we’re, what would be my chances with those two lovelies I left back at the hotel in my present state.

and my conclusion was that any vagrant on this planet would turn me down, but you have got to laugh don’t ya,

So here I am sat in shite looking like shite and feeling pretty shite , completely exhausted, jut leaning back on the barn doors my legs crossed my arms down by my sides just watching the two thugs semi drag Azzam closer to me, Azzam feet are goin ten to the dozen trying to keep upright,

as the three of them approach me , coming to a stand still some ten feet away from were I was sitting, the two thugs let go of Azzam collar, and he crumbles to his hands and knees, head drooped,

slowly he lifts his head to look into my eyes as I am circled by the two big blokes now known as thugs,

Azzam then took me completely by surprise, by askin me if I could give back the camera to his father and uncle, as his sister who was just married is completely devastated that he Azzam had took the camera with wedding photos on the film, all because she had upset him with a remark about his wedding attire!

“Really!! Fuckin Really!! “ I look down to meet Azzam eyes “Are you kidding me ,

I have just rolled around in so much shit for the past few hours, pissed myself, not to mention mounting a donkey! Oh and let’s not forget I said, there was no getting laid by to hot frenchies, which by the way you promised all because you got pissed off with your sister”

he gets to his feet gingerly, and turns his palms upwards and shakes his head slowly before saying “sorry Johnny, I thought it would be a laugh trying to get away from these goons”

which got him a slap across the head, by the thug i presumed was his father,

so what happens next is simple, I retrieve the camera from my back pack, (luckily the film was still intact, and hopefully so was my dignity,) and it was back with its rightful owners and on its way to Paris the very same night,

Azzam and myself, well as soon as we’re presentable We’re gonna find the girls and see if we can smooth over the unfortunate misunderstanding and carry on where we left off, well of course Azzam was positive they would be up for anything,

and I thought what possibly could go wrong,

but first we had to convince lurch if we could get cleaned up and get our heads down for a few hours,

because you may be aware that we stunk to high heaven and were some what fatigued after galavanting around the countryside in the pissing rain,

and since we had paid in advance, or should I say I paid in advance,

and with a little extra palm greasing, at lurch’s insistence, of course, we got the key for room 69 again,

so up we trotted three flights of stairs

The key is in the lock, and we look at each other smile, I say are you ready Azzam, and he nods,

I throw open the door, and what we find inside will live with us forever.

A caravan

The riviera

a stolen bike

1987

The group :- R.E.M.

The song :- it’s the end of the world as we know it

The group:- crowded house

The song:- don’t dream it’s over

The group :- madness

The song :- it must be love.

February

BON VOYAGE

We were just three friends, not great mates more casual friends, but together we all wanted the same ambitions, and one of them was to escape this dreary cold town that languished in the north west of England, I had just celebrated my twenty second birthday, and it was the first birthday in adult hood that I had being a single man, but I was finally coming to terms with that situation after some great adventures last year.

we sat in the goodies our local pub, nursing are third maybe fourth beer, considering life outside the northwest industrial town,

We were mulling over our choices, in life, and where we could go to increase the fun factor in those choices, when out of the blue Michael chips in with “fuck it I’m quitting work tomorrow! and we just go on Monday”

now that’s what jay and I were waiting for, Micheal to fucking grow a set,

to be fair we were going to go on Monday anyway,

we had already decided to fuck him off as he was such a fucking ditherer, and kept brushing us off with delaying tactics,

We toasted our decision, and laid out are plans for the best way forward to achieve our final goal,

which of course was we were going to the fucking French Riviera,

and we were going to live the life of luxury in a sexy little villa,

working in the best places plying our trades on the poor French bastards,

drinking their fine wines, and shagging their most sexiest of women, ( what could go wrong eh!) well you’d be surprised!

let’s just say things didn’t go exactly how we had envisaged it,

To start with we missed the London train which was supposed to be the easiest part of our journey,

now I could blame British rail, you know, leaves on the track and such,

but it was completely all our own doing,

Stupidly we had all decided to stay at my mums together, so we would not be late, also no one could pull out at the last minute if we were together,

so what harm could a couple of beers do before beddybyes,

as it happens it can throw all your fucking dreams out of the window,

you see the couple of beers turned into a session with the three of us all dropping into comas by five am,

So now we’re on the back foot,

We’re on catch up to get to Dover and the ferry to Calais, and let’s not forget the connecting train to Caans, before the final leg to a wonderful place called port Grimaud, Saint Tropez,

Luck though began to swing in our favour,

with the intervention of my old man, he kindly poured us into the back of his car,

and at speed, chased down the train,

Now as the train was a stopper we soon caught up and was aboard in just a couple of stops, and a few stone lighter I might add, from all the vomiting we did on the high speed chase,

now I’ve often looked back fondly at that incident and wondered was my fathers love for me so strong he did not want his middle child’s dreams shattered?

Or was it he wanted to see the fucking back of me and my mates as I regularly woke him and mum at weekends with my drunken antics

Who am I kidding,

the way he took off in a wheel spin before the car doors were even closed pretty much said it all.

London came and went without incident,

which was probably more to do with the fact we all fell asleep for pretty much all of the journey

The next session started soon after we left London,

we all felt some what refreshed, but in need of a cheeky livener,

And as usual things got a bit messy and we ended up drinking with some rugby team on the ferry from Dover to Calais,

and while we said our slurred goodbyes, and a promise to keep in touch, all that was really on our minds, was the life of Riley that lay ahead,

and with that thought in our heads and a dizziness from lashings of beer, we boarded the train for the final leg aboard the choo choo of dreams that we presumed would take us to our first destination of Caans,

where there would be a ride waiting for our transfer to Saint Tropez.

Several hours had passed and several ales been drunk since our departure from Paris,

and we sensed the train slowing to a stop,

now throughout this cross country train journey, not one of the three of us were conscious for all of the journey,

so please forgive the stupidity that lay upon our shoulders, and for the mess we got ourselves into, you see,

when we got off the train and joined the line in front of us with passports at the ready,

not one of us questioned this, and when the guards demanded how much money we would be taking across the border,

Not one of us questioned that,

And not one of us asked why their accents had a hint of Spanish to them,

unlike the French twang we were use to on board the super train,

And there was no questions asked when the stamp came down on our passports with a welcome to Spain my friends,

Yes you've got it,

we did not realise that we had entered a different country,

And without fucking question, we just walked from a French train across the border through many Spanish checks without a fucking clue,

just la la La’ing Along like a group of fucking fuckwits with butterflies circling above our heads and little puppie dogs running round our ankles,

So there we have it,

standing on a railway platform in Spain looking back at France, all in a line, with rucksacks in hand,

buttoning up our jeans and fastening ones belts, after a very intense and solid personalised body search, from some very enthusiastic Spanish border control, scratching our heads on what to do next,

when jay came up with a class idea, “let’s take a stroll down the village connected to this station, find a boozer regroup

have a beer or two, and see what comes up” “Fucking great idea” we both answered in unison, and off we trotted,

the strangest sound echoed around our ears as we past through the station waiting room to the village that lay ahead, it was in fact the music from the Clint Eastwood western the good, the bad, & the ugly, and as we strolled down the dirt paths that lay in front of us, you could sense the silence

with the faint echoes of that classic western blowing with the tumbleweed in the wind, there was an Erie feeling of loneliness,

there were shutters on all the run down low level concrete buildings, and all were locked down,

the village with white washed wall houses reminded me of a Mexican village that always gets ransacked by marauding bandits in many a western movie, was deserted or so it seemed,

just when we had given up on finding a bar and drink, we heard a scratching sound from a distance just off an ally to our left and some sort of grunting sounds from behind, we all managed a look to each other,

then to the left and behind,

and it took no time before we all had it off on our toes like billy whizz!

we had to, it would have been unfair for us to be devoured by the pack of dogs that were now on our tails ready to chew our arses off! The race was on,

could we get to that out building on the edge of town before the mangy looking inbred pack of wolf like creatures caught up,

or is this the time, to choose my best friend out of the two,

then trip the other one up, it would be a worthwhile sacrifice,

thus giving us the time to make it ta safety

but as it was, luck decided to shine on our side,

as we entered the field of dreams on the way to the out building, the sound of gun fire ripped across the sky which startled us all, and we did what any brave little soldier would have done we dived for cover,

but ultimately the sounds of gun fire scared off the pack,

we heard yelps and barks and the sweet sound of paws scattering off into the distance, we had no idea from where the gun shots came, and had no

fucking interest in finding out either,

for all we knew it could have been Clint Eastwood himself,

all we wanted was to get back on track and get back into fucking France,

so all that was needed for this simple matter to be resolved was a short stroll back across a water logged field, up the dirt paths,

past the shuttered up ghost houses full of nobody’s, avoiding pack hounds along the way, and of course gun toting invisible strangers,

then dodge a few Randy Spanish border guards with an unsavoury interest in arse holes,

and voila! Home an dry,

Jobs a fucking gooden,

And so, it all started off well squish squash as we go,

feet getting stuck in the mire, but not to worry things could be much worse than wet feet,

“for fuck sake” cry’s jay, “I’ve gone and lost my fucking Reebok”,

he seemed to have lost his left trainer in the shitted up waterlogged field,

Then Mike chirps up with “just fucking leave it will you, just keep moving, can you not hear the sound of that engine roaring”

and with that, we spot some sort of harvester heading our way,

and as it gets closer it seemed to be firing shit out of its sides, which in hindsight was such an accurate description, as it was a muck cropper spaying its contents all over the fields and the three of us for good measure,

so when we finally reach the outskirts of the ghost town we were literally full of shit,

stinking to high heaven and one trainer short of a full deck,

but hey things could be worse, at least the sun was shining,

BEND OVER

The screaming that came out of the interrogation room, where jay was taken after his cheeky back chat to the Spanish guards, was a noise to be hold,

I said to Micheal, “they must be using something some what bigger than the fist for this internal examination”,

the silly fuck should have kept his mouth shut like mike and me, and he too would now be back on French soil,

the guards I’d say definitely had the right to want to know why three young lads wanted to leave the country they had just arrived in, and also what the story was behind the state we arrived back in

but jay being jay just took the piss, and was now paying the price with a special treat,

when he finally arrived back to us in France, his eyes were glazed over, red and watery and his gait had definitely change,

I’d put him in the John Wayne category of walks.

So second time lucky,

and with a pact of sobriety made,

at least till we arrive to our intended destination,

as we do not wish to be travelling around fucking Europe like drunken fucking nomads bouncing off each country all year,

anyway I don’t think jays arse could take it,

and this seemed to do the trick, we boarded a lovely French train travelling mostly all along the cost, and with just one change we arrived at the right place just the wrong time on the wrong day,

Of course there was no lift waiting to take us to port grimaud the place of our home for the near future,

so we had to get a bus,

which was no mean feat, but we did it and we were proud of ourselves,

we found the camp site no trouble, but now to find jays parents friends who are putting us up and putting us to work,

which was near on impossibly in the dark, and on a massive camp site that we have never seen before, but what we did find was the club house, so let the party begin,

I feel as though I’ve pissed myself, and my eyes,Christ my eyes, there stinging to buggery,

And the sound of the high seas swishing around in my ears, am I dreaming? No that’s when I realised they I very well may have pissed myself, as I was wet, very wet indeed,

infact I seemed to be floating in piss,

drifting is what I was actually doing as I recall,

I opened my eyes to the dark clouds and unfriendly sky,

I was on a beach,

the waves of the sea were enjoying lapping at my half dressed body, and as I turned to get to my knees, I noticed jay and Micheal sat a couple of feet away,

just short of the waves giggling like two bitches sharing a joke at a friends expense

Apparently after the best night of partying with some of the local caravaning communities, we realised we had nowhere to stay,

so as a collective we decided it would be fun to spend the rest of the night sleeping on the beach close to the camp, before seeking our respective employers, and so it was,

except early that morning, the boys neglected to wake me when they realise the waters edge was getting closer,

in affect they left me to fucking drown, but there take on it was for me to take advantage of an early bath.

So we gather our belongings, although somewhat damp, and made for the reception on site to seek information as to where jays friends could be located?

It turns out we were just two hundred yards away, as they live in a luxury static caravan with a sea view, and as it happens with a view of three pricks as well, it developed that they were watching over breakfast the antics of three young pricks sleeping on the beach and nearly drowning for there sins,

After breakfast of coffee and pâté on crackers, (have you tasted pâté? Fucking minging)

We were dropped at a caravan on the other side of the camp, by our now new employers, we were to move in with two old mates from home who had come out before turn of the year and had acquired an eight birth caravan to use as living accommodation fo the season,

now it was the end of February, so it was pretty bloody cold,

but we had a job to do and that was to move dozens of very fucking big caravans, by hand may I add, to there rightful plots before the summer season begins,

and although the weather was only around 15 degrees during the day, the lot of us were sweating are bollocks off

And that’s when the realisation hit us,

we need easier fucking jobs, and once we had finished setting up the camp site there was another site that needed some work, by then we'd had enough and within weeks jay was the first to go, he fucked off to a restaurant called the salad table in a part of port grimaud that looks just like a little Venice, lots of water ways, with little boats dragging holiday makers sound looking lost, and all burnt to fuck from lying on the beach Until the moon appears to tell them to fuck off now, you’re pretty much well done on both sides,

And then they then feel obliged to do the touristy bit,

so they go around and around the water ways till they think there happy,

the salad table sat right on one of these waterways, and jays job of choice was that of a waiter, or in other words that’s all he could fucking get, but very well paid indeed

The very next morning I turn up at the salad table cap in hand drunk as a skunk on my way home from the night before, a fucking good night I’m told by all accounts? So I request an audience with the owner, and I state my case for the job of a waiter alongside my old mucker jay, well suffice to say I did not get the job,

but Peter, Peter head, the owner, definitely took a shine to the young looking boy stood before him,

big blue eyes, gleaming white shiny teeth, a cheeky grin, great arse, and the tendency to forget everything when having alcohol on board, what is not to like ,

well peter obviously did like, as I got the job of dishwasher so fuck off!

Ya gotta start somewhere right, “the only way is up” as Peter reminded me, Often,

Ok so not the most glamorous of jobs but the hours were good, the money was good and the crack was good, and free food to boot,

the only down side for me was being chased subtly by a fucking randy old long blond haired Second hand hippy, who owned a classy restaurant and wanted to shag young boys, probably? Or maybe he could just be the friendliest of blokes,

so a week into the job, and I was summoned one Monday morning,

Well I was to accompany peter on a road trip, now get this,

I was accompanying him in his big camper van,

out to the fucking worldliness, if you can believe that, told pick up some fucking building materials that he needed to finish off some building work at the restaurant,

what fuckin building work? I’m sure i would have noticed the odd fucking wall missing,

or there not being a fucking roof on the establishment,

and anyway why take a camper van when his fucking flat back lorry surely would have suited such a trip?

So many unanswered questions? Well fucked if I'm going anywhere with Peter fucking head,

Yes I went, (what possibly could go wrong)

well the trip started in silence, I was sat in the passages seat gripping the leather upholstery( Déjà vu came to mine) and staring outta the windshield straight ahead like a fucking owl never blinking,

my mouth dry as a desert and sweat enveloping my whole body, and things got earily quieter as the miles clocked up on the odometer, when finally I just broke and shouted out,

“Please for the love of god what is it you want from me,

I’m on fucking pins here sat in silence in my own fucking bodily fluids!”

Peters head did not move but I can see his eyeballs moving towards my direction, which was I feat in its self for me to see, as my eye’s are still fixed straight ahead burning holes into the tarmac with my stare,

the van comes to a complete stop, and peter swivels in his seat, he lays his right hand on me knee, I turn my head to face him,

and as our eyes meet he burst into fuckin hysterics,

well it seems my fuckwit mate, jay was behind this prank, and peter fucking head was only too keen to go along with it!

it seems peter was picking up some paint for a friends villa on the beach, ( which I have to paint by the way! but I’ll leave that story for anther time) and jay thought it’d be hilarious for peter to take me along and show some interest in me, and see how it plays out,

the utter prick, well I’ll tell you how it played out,

I lost two stone in fucking sweat, and I will always believe it was that day that was the cause of my hair loss in my later years,

oh and it got peter head a black eye,

So back at the ranch and the lads and I are getting ready for a big night out when Micheal arrives back at the caravan with two cockney geezers,

he introduces them as our new roomies, he’d meet up with them on occasions, when me and jay were working late at the restaurant, and promised them a bed since they were being evicted from there villa,

so from three we were five, and now we are seven ,the magnificent seven,( have you noticed a lot of western references in this chapter, I just realised)

The evening started at the campsite club house, all seven of us were out together, there was jay me Micheal, then Keith and Brian who were old school mates from warrington, then Alan and the shifty Dave the rave, from London,

now Davey was something of a jack the lad, a skinny lookin six ft lad, with a sparkle in his eyes and a sparkle to his shiny white teeth when he smiled, full of chat and full of shite, as I was soon to learn,

now Davey apparently was setting up a bicycle hire shop and was always on the look out for a bargain, and as the beers flowed he seemed to latch onto me, with stories of riches and the things he’d done, and the things he was gonna do, now don’t forget he was no more than twenty one, so probably had done fuck all, but I was listening, because he was also fun and entertaining, and like me had an eye for the girls,

But this night he had no girls in mind, for his sole purpose for this evenings joviality was to purchase bikes for his dream,

and I was the chosen one to help,

so after a few ales, Dave wondered if I could spare half an hour at a push, as he was to pick up a couple of good second hand bikes from a bloke at the near by sports centre, now as we were all moving onto some fancy boozer I thought why not, a little detour, pick up the bikes, drop them off at the premises that he’d secured earlier in the week, then back on the pop with the lads for a jolly good night out, all within the thirty mins stated by the honest Dave, and with a few scoops in it for me, result,

We arrived at the sports centre within ten minutes, and honest Davey, as I now like to refer to him is shuffling around looking rather jumpy,

his eyes seemed to be darting in all directions, when he points to two bikes chained outside the centre, and in a whisper says “Pierre has left the key in the saddle bag” so we can take them now as I have paid the man in full earlier"

now call me nieve but I at this point did not suspect a thing, and still did not suspect any wrong doing when there was no key,

and if by magic some chain cutters appeared from beneath honest davey’s coat,

The chain dropped to the floor and settled motionless on the gravel next to the untouched lock, jut as the doors of the sports centre swung open,

at the same time I turned to ask honest davey should we not be waiting for this Pierre fella,

but honest Davey was just dust rising from the gravel (playing havoc with my sinuses I might add) as the back wheels of one of the bikes, wheel spun and took off, with a wave and a cheesy grin from honest Davey, and shouting see you at camp, and off he shot,

I took a breath, turned to the commotion not two hundred yards up the stairs at the sports centre, where there were teo gendarmes looking, mouths open, and fingers pointing at me, and me all alone, and ranting some French shite as they looked ready to take flight,

fuck this for a game of soldiers I thought,

and was on the saddle of the second bike and off like a fucking grey hound out of the traps,

i was like a lightening bolt on fucking speed, my legs and feet were at one with the peddles as I glided like a Gazelle over the grasslands of Africa,

and I had to be because the two French fucking gendarmes were on their trotters in pursuit of honest davey and me,

and they were fast, very fucking fast, faster than me I fear,

so drastic action was essential to give oneself a little advantage,

The gendarmes are now closing in on crooked fucking davey because I kicked the bastard just hard enough as I way past him, just enough for his bike to take a wobble, and cascade down a banking at the side of the road and into a ditch, "who’s laughing now you cockney fucking rebel" was my passing comment as I disappeared into the distance.

And a quick check behind me as I slowed my pace,

and when I was sure I was not followed, I turned into the camp site and to the spot where cocky crooked honest davey’s lock up should be,

but all I could see was a big second hand tatty family tent that had seen better days,

and definitely would not stand up to a minor rain shower,

I was also shocked to see davey sat on a deck chair next to the tent, smoking a rolly,

a beer in hand and a smile on his battered mud caked face, he definitely would not pull the woman of choice tonight! his torn trackkies he was wearing stank of shit, in fact he stank of shit, he looked like shit, and he had probably been rolling around in shit, so all in all you would think he’d had a pretty shitty day,

but no Davey just nodded and spoke quietly,

he said “fair play you northern bellend, all’s fare in love and war”

with that he stood put a stinky arm around me opened the zip of the tent where there was a graveyard of bicycles and bicycle parts on top of each other,

the One i was riding would be joining this pile of shite shortly,

I turned to honest davey looked him in the eyes and said you have got to be kiddin me,

With that we smiled to each other,

and I wondered what tomorrow would bring

The riviera

Another caravan

A motorcycle

1987

Band:- swing out sister,

Song :- breakout ,

Band :- The Jesus & Mary chain

song :- April skies

The summer of 87

It had been some weeks since the bike incident, and all was quiet, there were no repercussions from the borrowing of other peoples bikes on a permanent basis by honest Davey, who by the way now had a thriving bicycle rental business,

it’s just a shame the way he went about setting it up wasn’t shall we say as honest as it could have been,

Still the summer of 87

The three amigos had swelled ta 8 as three more lads had joined us from our home town, but how the fuck they found us in the south of France was beyond anyone, as no one remembers telling any of them where we were goin, or for that matter that we were actually goin anywhere,

but here they were Kieth Neil and Stan rockin up early one morning waking the whole caravan up with their consistent banging on the fragile door of our caravan,

it is now a much bigger caravan than we previously had, this was due to the fact there were many acquaintances we’d acquired along the way,

the caravan was rented to us by an old friend of jays family who owned several caravans on the site, they offered to let us frequent the van at a low rent on the prevision we help out with a few jobs around the site, which we eagerly agreed,

we’d only recently moved in , but we needed to, with all the waif and strays we seemed ta be picking up,

and hopefully this is a home for all of us for the near future,

THE WAKENING

The first ta be woken by all the racket going on outside the van was cockney Tony the tub he was the best mate and side kick of honest davey who had also joined our caravan of love

Cockney Tony was not a morning man,

in fact I’m not sure what kinda man he is? as this will be depicted by what fuckin mood he is in, cockney Tony was a bit of a large round creature hence the name Tony the tub, so ya could say he was one fucking moody hard fat bastard with attitude, but we liked him,

my friends outside the caravan may not have shared the same enthusiasm for the man, their first meeting with tubs was shall we say somewhat ambiguous,

they were greeted by a hosepipe of water that rained down onta them so much so they scattered like wild rabbits and the loud bass like scream that left Tony’s mouth told them ta fuck off ta where they came from, all this commotion brought the caravan ta life and the day started right then

A couple of days inta life with old fiends from home by my side I thought it a good idea if I introduced them to peter head, (Pete was my employer at the time, he was a good egg if not a little too old at 40 for a pony tail,

he owned the salad table a fine dining restaurant which sat on the canals of port grimaud,) just ta see if he knew of any cash in hand work going in the area for 3 enthusiastic good lads, who were willing ta put in a hard days work for a fair day’s pay, he said fuck off! ok he really said he didn’t but would keep his eyes open, so yes he did mean fuck off,

and I can’t blame him cause these lads do not have a days work in em, a days partying and you’re on ta a great deal,

but as luck would have it

by the first weekend of the lads arrival Peter actually asked if anyone was up ta doin a bit of painting for one of his filthy rich friends who had a villa situated on the beach,

Kieth being an apprentice painter jumped at the chance and was ta start the following Monday.

Fucking result, more cash comin inta the caravan

Summer 87

THE DEPARTED

I was approached over the preparation of escargots ( snails in garlic butter for all ya commoners) by my boss friendly Peter,

if ya need remindin I was a kitchen porter in a high class restaurant called the salad table situated on a riverside in port grimaud owned by Peter Head,

well he was worried that the new paint job at his friends villa had not yet begun,

and more worrying was that all the paint and equipment supplied by sofia (his posh mate) seems ta have disappeared from the villas garage,

so at her request, I should take some time out of my busy schedule ta visit her on her yacht,

this beauty was situated on the harbour just minutes from the salad table,

I eagerly agreed that I would, this would be for selfish reasons ya understand, as it’s always handy to meet influential people who might do ya a favour in the future,

while at the same time I knew that I really need ta find Keith and the vanishing paint, probably just to keep hold of my own job ( after all I was the one who vouched for the bastards)

and so the first place ta look was the caravan,

Kieth and Stan had gone, the paint had gone the decorating equipment yes! it also had gone,

and It was Neil who supplied this information albeit through broken teeth,

unfortunately Keith and Stan had several employers waiting for work ta be completed on their villas or apartments around the local area,

and paying for services upfront apparently was to much of a temptation for the two boys, as they sold all paint and equipment supplied and kept the advance down payments,

and then they fucked off back ta Blighty, leavin poor old Neil ta take the beating from the aggrieved who we’re ripped off, ( now this was so unfukin fair cause Neil had a cracking blue and white gingem shirt I was gonna borrow , but he let himself get it shredded and bloodied in his foolish scuffles)

so this was definitely not the news I wanted ta hear,

as I now had ta pass this information on ta Sofia on her fucking glorious yacht at some point in my fucking young life,

And here’s me thinking on my first visit aboard I was hopin ta impress her with me boyish charm, and maybe weasel some sort of cushy job outta her

but now I may well be doomed ta work off a debt I had nothin ta do with,

let’s hope she’s sympathetic?

I left off going ta see miss Sofia for so long that I came to the assumption that all my troubles had gently faded away into the distant past,

but Mr head put pay ta that when I turned up for a morning shift at the salad table, apparently I had been summoned by lady Sofia , no arguments now, just go and pay your penance Peter instructed me,

so this was it I was doomed,

the dragon widower would soon have me in her clutches, and I could do little about it, except maybe beg for forgiveness

Lady fucking Sofia I imagine will be in the region of around 90 fucking years of age,

She’d have a face like a creased shirt , topped off with a blue fuckin rinse, and smellin of gin and lavender! And

and I’m having a waking nightmare of nightmares as i reluctantly walk the 5 minutes it takes ta the yacht, and as I turn left onta the harbour I’m lookin straight at the yacht, and as imagined ,

there hangin over the side was the lady herself,

I fucking sighed out loud, and me bollocks dropped, ( and I don’t think they ever recovered entirely after that sight) tits the size of melons covered by just a bikini top that looked like it was about ta snap with the weight of those saggin boulders as they bounced up and down with the movement of the boat, I was about ta vomit and I wasn’t even on the fuckin boat, and when she lifted her blue rinse skull ta face me (as she was shakin some sort of rug over board,) she smiled in my direction,

and I swear ta fuckin god there was not a fuckin tooth in that head of hers,

and the creases on her face seemed ta resemble a very fucking lively accordion playing a very bad tune,

I certainly did not want

to address the smell that came with my vision,

but I had no choice,

I had ta board her,

No! no! I had ta board the boat

not the fucking creature hangin overboard,

so with trepidation I gingerly boarded the yacht, where I was greeted by a mature Mediterranean looking goddess, dressed in what I can only be describe as a see through toga, underneath lay the most beautifully well rounded body hidden only in places by the skimpiest of bikinis,

there and then I lost the ability ta speak, but found the ability ta drool, this beauty introduced herself as Sofia an Italian lady of means who was somewhat disappointed with the boy that stood in front of her, she abruptly stopped talking and turned her head ta the right as she noticed my eyes were concentrating on the other lady ta me left, she let out a gentle laugh and threw her head back which released her auburn hair to float in the breeze before settling over her naked tanned shoulders

when she realised what I was thinking, she reassured me the lady in question was just the cleaner, she then turned ta me again and said,” ya should be more worried about what I will want from you young man” she then smiled and gestured for me ta follow her to this lovely white seating area on the upper deck,

We chatted awhile and her voice was mesmerising, she was Italian and had the most amazin accent, I listened intently and agreed to everything she said but heard completely nothin,

that was until she unloosend the toga she was wearing, quietly widened her legs while at the same time cupping the back of my head with her left hand and gently pointed me in the direction she wanted me ta go,

and I can assure ya the direction I was goin was down.

Summer continues in 1987

A Monday morning

I am standing on the balcony of this beach villa looking out ta sea holding a paint brush in me left hand, contemplating whether I am the luckiest or unluckiest lad in the world,

the dilemma I had was Italian mesmerising and hotter than hell?

After the most exhausting weekend in my young history I had to decide whether ta do the job that I put a mate up for who then took the money and ran?

or I could refuse to carry on and fuck off myself?

These were the questions I fought over in me mind, but ya can probably guess what I chose, as I am now on the job so ta speak,

and what swung it for me as ya may have already guessed was the Italian job , as I say she was so fucking erotic,

but on the other hand she may well be a nymphomaniac with psychotic tendencies?

so the question is,

would it be worth the risking my health?

As she did subtly suggested I check in with her every evening when I’ve finished work on her villa,

and as my day would soon be coming ta an end she would be expecting me,

and I suspect she would be expecting me to perform to a high standard,

now I know what ya thinking, I was a young lad full of life, and should be able to satisfy an older lady,

well I’d just done a 12 hour day after the most exhausting weekend with very little sleep, and I could see this routine lasting a long while yet, so forgive me if I pondered for a minute or two,

I flew down ta the yacht in seconds,

ya gotta give the relationship a little longer haven’t you

Saturday

6 days later

On nearing the end of this very weary project lady Sofia decided its time ta throw an intimate cocktail party,

so my buddies and I turned up ta what I can only describe as a meat auction for the more mature ladies of Saint-Tropez, it started well enough, some mingling a bit of flirting,

that was when jay turns ta me and comments on the lack of men at this shindig,

it transpires that Sofia and her friends had a liking for the younger men of the species, honest davey didn’t seem ta mind, as I spotted him descending ta the lower deck with 2 shall we say voluptuous women, their makeup hid many cracks but their hands gave away their time on this earth, and I suspect honest davey will find there gonna spend sometime on him as well,

We all felt some remorse for honest Davey, but when lady fucking Sofia decided ta tout me out ta her friends I knew it was time for me ta wrap things up here,

I spoke with the lads,

and Micheal and jay were in agreement

jay was well fucked off waiting tables every night till well after midnight, so the plan was to just disappear, and tomorrow would be that day,

We all agreed there was no point waiting around,

but first there was just time for a blow job from one of the lovely ladies hovering over me gins in hands and smile’s on melting faces, and their dentures just about holding on to their gums,

what’s not ta like!

As the day started to break and the crickets became silent under a chorus of chiffchaff and blackbirds singing in harmony , jay Michael and myself, slipped quietly out of the creaking door of the caravan we all once called home,

the 3 of us blended into the shadows as we tiptoed across the gravelled pathway to the entrance of the campsite, holding our breath hoping not to wake anyone or be noticed slipping away into the memories of the few we left behind

As we climbed aboard the first bus of the morning, the familiar growling sound we were all fond of emerged in the distance,

and we soon saw the large figure of Tony the tub flying outta the shadows on the communal motorbike we all once shared,

and he was gaining on the bus rather too easily for my liking, and the reason I’d rather he did not succeed in catching the bus was that there may have been an oversight with some bills,

in fact we may well have forgotten to pay the weekly rent to the landlord

and may also have inadvertently taken the households weekly shopping money from the jar just hidden behind the tinned goods in the top cupboard just to the left of the sink, I thought it was safe bet it would not be missed for some hours if not days,

by which time we would be some distance away,

in fact maybe in a different country never ta be heard of again,

but here he was larger than life riding along side of the bus, and as the bus eventually started to pick up some speed, Tony the tub was shaking his fist at the window that we were just about peeping through,

he was screaming some awful explanatories at the bus which I shall not repeat,

and his tubby head got redder redder when jay cupped his ear and started shaking his head in the pretence he could not understand, I looked at jay as if to say you’ve just signed our death warrant, when he pointed back to the window, all 3 of us looked and what a sight to behold, the sight of a big tubby ex mate Tony skating across the duel carriage way on his big fat arse after what looked like a major blow out after hitting a pothole,

He hit the lamp post hard and just for comedy effect He kept his legs open so as his bollocks had the best impact, the tears came quickly,

and his face was a picture

I could see it as clear as day, then I realised why I could still see Tony, the bus had only gone and stopped not more than a hundred feet from Tony, I thought the The driver had Seen the accident but in fact it was just a designated stop off, and some old crusties had rang the bell, and at that moment the laughter from the 3 of us ceased, Tony the tub was on his feet quickly and his grazed and gravelled body was making its way to the bus at quite soon speed considering, albeit with a gate that John Wayne would be proud of,

The tub was at the open door of the bus waiting patiently for the line of passengers to disperse, so luckily for us we had a few seconds grace to collect our thoughts before dying a slow death, and before you know it jay has the back door open and the 3 of us tumble out unnoticed by Tony the tub, as he had just entered at the front and was paying his fare, the bus takes off at some speed and disappears into the distances, and I can only imagine of what chaos was going on between the driver and Tony when he realised we’d made are escape, and right on cue a bus arrives in the opposite direction which we duly board and make our escape,

It was just short of lunch time when we arrive at the train station unscathed and ready for a long journey home, but that did not happen, well not at that moment in time, the 3 of us decided to head to the costa Blanca and the resort of Benidorm for some rest and recreation, before looking at working again, and the journey across France and Spain to get to the destination of our choice did not go as smoothly as you would’ve imagined.

No lesbians, a bed, a shower another balcony, a pop star and me

1988

The band -: yazz

The song-:the only way is up

The band -: brother beyond

The song -: the harder I try

DAY DREAM

I opened my eyes and smiled gently to myself, as we flew thirty thousand feet up, across French air space, as we travelled back to Blighty after a two week lads holiday in Ibiza, and I wondered how I managed to make the flight in one piece after an exhausting fourteen day romp,

and as I closed my eyes again and drifted off to Reminisce, I was elevated to the poolside of the hotel, where the holiday really kicked of on day two.

DAY TWO

LADIE ONE

We smiled across the pool, she giggled with what I presumed were here friends, I look to my left and gave a sly wink to my good friend Chris, then I’m on my way,

I stand and with a casual stroll to the waters edge i step on to the diving board all nonchalant like, and prepare to impress the girl that at that moment only had eyes for me,

with what i would describe as a little jig and a push off with my left leg, to elevate myself for the perfect manly dive,

unfortunately I neglected to take in the surroundings and some how misjudged how wet the board was, which led to the said left foot not getting the grip it needed in that situation, thus slipping from under me and rendering my whole body to hit the board flat on my back taking the wind right out of me,

but worse was to bestow me because I had to cope with the second bounce, there’s always a second bounce I was informed by so called diving experts in the coming days (they’ll be my mates, who are always full of shite when you make a complete dick of yourself)

The second bounce lifted me just a foot or two but there was a spin which brought me down face first on the edge of the board,

cutting open the underneath of my chin, while the body from neck down had a comfortable landing in the deep end of the pool,

a milli second later I was under the water thrashing about and gulping for air, and that’s when I spotted a mermaid in the distance cutting through the water like a knife through butter,

I was grabbed under the arms by my fantasy mermaid and with a blink of an eye i was on the tiles at the edge of the pool, the mermaid looked at me with her soft brown eyes and moved here angel like face with dark brown locks hanging loosely and wet from her head to rest upon her face, downwards towards mine,

and at that moment i had fallen in love,

so when my mermaid put her lips upon mine, how the fuck was I to know she was giving me the kiss of life, so she didn’t appreciate me wrapping my arms around her waist or ramming my tongue down her throat, and let’s not mention the erection rubbing against her thigh,

hence the black eye and cut lip i received with one swift left hook from Gabrielle the life guard, and of course not a mermaid of my dreams, still pretty dam fucking hot i thought, so after i had recovered from the temporary concussion Gabrielle had given me, I asked her out,

DAY TWO

LADIE TWO

My recovery from my bruised head and ego consisted of a few drinks in the poolside bar, where I spotted the young lady that caused all this chaos in the first place, for being to fucking beautiful for me to resist showing off,

which of course ended in complete failure, but helped me land a date with a beautiful tanned dark haired brown eyed Spanish life guard, but that’s not till tomorrow,

So for the second time that day our eyes meet across the pool side bar, but this time I was hesitant to approach the girl for fear of rejection,

and after my morning antics i say that there’s a safe bet she would laugh and ridicule me with her mates watching and egging her on, so I go over anyway

and Jesse (that’s the girls name) only fucking loves me,

we have a great laugh over my antics of the morning, and plan to meet that very evening,

All togged up the boys and i are going out on the town, and with Jesse promising an end to the evening that i will never forget, i skipped out with a smile all over my face,

and with that thought running through the old brain cells, I smile and neck down the first beer of the night, followed by a cheeky flaming sambuca.

The drinks are now flowing and the girls and boys have met on the dance floor of a Nightclub,

we were all coaxed to go in by Gorgeous men and women assigned to apprehend any gullible group of foreign knob heads, with the promise of free drinks, and a night to remember, better than any night you may have remembered previously,

now this night took a slight diversion when Jesse and two of her mates, (who were snogging the faces of my mates Chris and Danny) suggested we all go for a stroll along the beach

now I’m getting the sweet smell of deja vu, because only a year or so previously I found myself in a similar situation on a beach

in Spain

With boys

with girls

all naked

In the water

Surely there would be no repeat performance, but of course there was,

the three girls taunted the three of us boys to get naked and join them in a bit of skinny dipping, and the way they pursued this request and enticed all of us into getting naked was to fucking stand there in front of us and slowly strip,

my head was spinning, my brain was on fire, and I had two mates One at either side of me, all of us naked with solid erections,

the girls stood opposite just looking us up and down, and then they were off, they turned and ran into the sea giggling, we three were close behind them, and when we had found our respective partners, we found are own peace of the ocean,

and I had no idea until later what the other boys got up to, but what i do know is that i had the most amazing sexual experience, involving water a beautiful blonde and a jellyfish

The sex was fucking out of this world, but my knob blew up to the size of a melon,

the girl seemed to enjoy this as the girl did not in the least protest,

in fact I think she was impressed by the size, but once she had finished with me she did suggest i go visit a doctor pretty dam quick,

well thank you Jesse!

We never went out together again.

DAY 2

LADY 1 FROM THE DAY 2

I met up with Gabrielle the day after the jellyfish incident, (also now known as the jelly Mellon cock affair,) at a pre arranged bar, it was just after six and tapas and sangria was on the menu, and with the conversation flowing, all be it in two different languages, the night to me seemed to be going pretty dam well, except for the well oiled tanned and ripped fucking gigalo that was our waiter for the evening, always interfering, with his chiselled looks and pearly white smile, bastard,

there was no time to waste, i knew I had to work quickly, using my boyish looks and cheeky charm, to keep this beauty out of this mans clutches,

and with a touch of quick thinking, my task for the evening was achieved, “it’s a shame he’s gay” i whispered to Gabriele while I looked and nodded towards the waiter,

I also dropped a hint that he was flirting with myself the night before,

the rage in that girls eye’s, had I gone to far? had I put our relationship in jeopardy? and what for, just for a little white lie and a touch of jealousy,

I needn’t have worried, because Gabbys next step was to drag me to the closest alley and do the most heinous of sex acts ever to be brought upon a human being, and it was a fucking eye popping experience,

We were rearranging our selves when a shout From the darkness startled us both,

and with a sense of being in danger, i managed a quick peck on the cheek and a promise of tomorrow, and with that I was on my toes once again in fear of reprisals, and with a chance look back over my right shoulder while in full flight, there he was,

the lesser spotted greasy muscle bound waiter,

The scoundrel seemed to be talking to my loved one, with that smile, showing off them perfectly straight white teeth, (they must be fucking falsies) his arm was comforting Gabrielle, it dropped lightly around her shoulder and her head resting on his chest,

well goodbye my precious mermaid

Suffice to say I never saw her again,

well I lie,

I saw her most days around the pool as she was the life guard,

although i would not think she would be in much of a hurry to save the life of one blond northern lad if he were in trouble, and in need of a mermaid rescue,

which would be so unfair as technically she was the one who fucked off with another man,

I occasionally see them together, hand in hand strolling around the local area,

DAY 5

LADY 3

day four was a seriously drunken mystery, left only to the imagination, and stories from the boys,

whether the stories are true or not they can become legendary, unlike the youth of today, where you can’t get away with anything, or embellish your story to suit you, it’s all captured!

it’s on fucking social media before you have even fucking thought it, where’s all the bragging rights gone, I’ll tell you where, up in fucking smoke,

nowadays you can follow anyone around on a night out without leaving your fucking couch,

Gone are the days you had to actually go out because you were so scared of missing anything,

now you can catch up with your mates live on line, and if you think the nights getting too fucking good without you, you simply just get your arse of the couch and meet up with the lads,

you also know what every fucker is eating, you know what cocktails are going down, you know who’s looking the worse for wear, and you can even get a running commentary on every aspect of the night

and as a man i think I’ve seen enough of women’s Toilets ( ok I’ve spent some occasions frequenting them but that’s another story) somethings have just got to be private haven’t they?

Do women live in them fucking things, because so many pictures, videos, and other shite don’t arf come out of them there toilets.

So on to day 5 when I could actually converse with human beings again, we were out once more, it was a day trip organised by one of the boys who was smitten with the holiday rep, the trip involved being coherent sober and alert, well at least for the coach ride that is,

we were headed to the mountains for a big medieval barbecue stroke festival with flamenco dancing and in the words of Chris “shit loads of women”,

Now if the coach ride was anything to go by Chris was so fucking right about a lot of women, he just did not calculate on the type of lady that a medieval banquet would attract, there was say ninety per cent women on our coach, and I would say eighty per cent of them women were over 45 years of age,

now at 23 that was a pretty big gap to form a meaningful relationship, but you have got to give it a go i suppose, and she was only 43 and so beautiful,

we clicked the moment i spilt sangria all down the fabulous white Spanish styled full length cotton dress she was wearing, and she wore it very seductively I might add, and my attempt to make amends by poring ice water down the stained dress did nothing to avert the frown that was beginning to grow on her suntanned face,

but what it did was show off her fabulous figure as the water made the dress translucent,

and at that point I maybe should not of attempted to dry her dress with the palm of my hands,

The slap was swift but not unexpected, my left cheek took the force but the smile on her face and the pull of her left hand around my back towards her distracted the pain I should have felt,

the tenderness of the kiss surprised me to the point that I felt vulnerable, but when her hand gripped mine and she pulled me, I just followed and i am so glad that I did, because the experience of an older woman has never left me, and that is where I shall leave it,

the coach ride home was sublime i was smiling in my own mind and went to bed with memories that will last a life time, I resisted joining the boys on the session that took place after the trip and just floated off into a perfect dream,

Day six was a pool day and casual drinks in the hotel and surrounding bars,nothing of substance happened and the night drifted into an early night, as we all got to bed just after midnight.

DAY 7

LADY 4

Clarity at last, the mist had lifted and my brain seems to be working at a satisfactory level without the muddying of too much alcohol, and my clear mind will keep me out of any kind of trouble with the opposite sex and any other obstacles the day may throw at me,

The boys had already gone down to the dining room for breakfast, but i was running a little late after a fantastic sleep and a long hot shower,

as I entered the massive hotel dining room situated on the floor below the reception, (whether this was the basement I have no idea, this hotel could go down and down far underground as far as I new) anyway i entered, and the noise in there was tremendously loud, the voices of a thousand human beings going at it over salami and croissants,

a hundred different launguges merging into one big fuck off noise, well it was mind blowing each time i entered this arena, I quickly scouted around the room for sight of the boys, but I just could not locate them in such a busy room,

but what i did notice was there were limited spaces at the tables,

so I decide to grab some food and find a spare chair at a table, and the table I found at the back of the room sat only two people, and the other occupant was a bleach white blonde blue eyed beautiful young lady that I’d put at around twenty years of age,

I was very polite and introduced myself and asked if i could join her, she reciprocated with a left sided nod to the chair and a left hand gesture to sit, and in a quick observation i predicted that she could be left handed just like me,

“thank you” I replied followed with “and your name is”

“Cunt” she replied rather to quickly for my liking, “what really” was my first reaction “nooo”she says “it’s runt”

not a fucking clue i was thinking, but actually said “sorry love no comprenday no understand”, I said this very slowly, and i then add, “where are you from, what language do yo speak, can you speak English”

She replies “I am fucking English you dozy twat, I’m from Birmingham you northern prick

“How clear was that wanker”

“hey now” I replied with my hands help up, palms facing to her, “now that’s some tasty language you have there for a beautiful young lady, which seemed to catch her off guard and she fell about laughing, and then in a slow drawl like I had done previously,

she says “my name is Kate and if you want a shag later you had better treat me to a good time” ( I may be slightly exaggerating here, but girls were like that in the eighties, allegedly) and with that she stuffed a sausage into her mouth and bit hard down on it

Now that definitely broke the ice, and once i mastered the brummie accent we were smitten with each other,

we spent the day by the pool together before retiring to her room, but it wasn’t till i was in her room that she told me that she was here with her family and they went on an early morning day trip to some god forsaken place somewhere in the hills,

Her family consisted of mum dad and little sister, and these people would be back around seven,

so why the fuck she didn’t mention this at any point durin the day I have no idea, maybe she likes living on the edge or likes the anticipation of being caught,

all I fucking know is we have a ninety minute window to seal our friendship, and then for us to get dressed leg it down the corridor, jump in to a lift, drop the ten floors to reception, grab a stool at the bar and pretend not to know each other,

The bedroom action is frantic and sweaty and far to long for my liking, a quick glance towards the alarm clock on the side table tells me it’s six forty five pm and time to get the fuck out of there,

Kate notices me checking out the time and starts to giggle, her eyes so wide that she looked menacing to the point I may have let a little pee, out “what the fucks up with you Kate” i say out loud in a slightly trembling voice” her reply stunned me!

“nothing at all Johnny, it’s just that clock there, is over 15 minutes slow, and finally my dad will realise I’m now all woman and not his baby anymore, she tips her head back on her pillows and folds her arms at the back of her neck and she lies their completely naked with the biggest grin on her face,

and I can tell she has no intentions of moving,

oh she looked fucking stunning, and for a second i thought about finishing off, but I’m not a fuckin idiot, and so i was dressed and out the door, and I ran down the corridor in the opposite way to the lifts, like a gray hound out of the traps, ( if you want to know it’s quite Easy to throw on a T-shirt shorts and flip flops in seconds)

I reach the end of the corridor and have just time to compose myself when I hear the ding of the lift and the doors open,

I turn and slowly stroll back towards the lift as a group of people walk towards me, within this group I notice what could be the remains of Kate’s family, and I’m right because I can see as the group disperses the family are using a key for the very door I had just escaped from some one hundred and twenty seconds ago,

I stroll past like any other tourist, but can’t resist a tip of the cap and a nod of the head as I carry on with my day and jump into the lift,

suffice to say I did not see Kate again, and I thought she could have been the one,

ah well,

I think they went home the following day,

and I do wonder if she ever became that woman she so desperately wanted to be, or is she still her daddy’s little girl I suspect she’ll always be his baby,

DAY 8 & 9

Days eight and nine were full of trips drinks and mates booze cruise’s, sunstroke and exhaustion,

I come up smelling of roses on day ten ready for anything, there has not been female’s in my life for over forty eight hours, but that is about to change I hope, as I notice a young woman looking in my direction,

Day 10

LADY 5 & 6

lets just get the record straight right now, I do not have a preference of what I like about a woman, I’m not a leg man a breast man a thin or fat kind of guy, I just like lady’s,

I get on with lady’s, and as long as they are fun and we gel, it does not matter how they look, now this statement was pushed to the limits on day ten, my mate Chris nudged me around midnight at a club I cannot remember the name of now, but we were there,

and there was a definite jab in my left ribs by the right elbow of Chris, “your in there son” he whispers, and I look up with my beer goggles on towards where he was gesturing and what I saw was another angel, a model of at least five feet ten inches,

the perfect woman long straight brunette hair, hour glass figure, teeth like piano keys (the white ones obviously) slim straight button nose, and those deep deep blue come to bed eyes with a twinkle twinkle little star in them, fuckin wow!

me and the boys had to swagger over to this group of girls, it would have been rude not to, and as we sat there exchanging light banter, it became quite clear to me that my perfect woman had no fucking interest in me at all, no it would be her mate who seemed to have the crush on this blond streaked haired cutie,

and I must say right now she was a totally different proposition altogether, she stood some 5ft 1 inch high and probably the same wide, of course there was nothing wrong with that, and there was nothing wrong with the Mohican hair cut she was modelling, she was indeed very pretty, and probably fairly heavy,

and i new deep down in my heart sometime that evening I would be finding out how heavy,

There had to be some serious drinking to be done first, which there was by both parties, and I think most of us would have a hazy head about that evening, but what I do recall next was being on top of Mohican girl and I mean on top,

which was not easy as I’m scared of heights, I then remember looking up towards a double bed where there seemed to be some sort of orgy going on, a couple of the boys were there with some of the girls and there was definitely groaning, but not from Mohican girl, I probably didn’t have it in right, but more than likely I just could not reach, either way we pleasured each other that night I’m sure,

there then was a darkness as I passed out, and as I woke daylight was sneaking in through the thread bear sheets that doubled for curtains, there were bodies everywhere, I’d check who later, but for now i desperately needed the toilet,

which is where I found a lovey young lady sat just on the edge of the bath right next to the toilet, she was wearing just a vest top nipples standing to attention, and smoking a cigarette, I gestured i needed the toilet, she gestured that i should use it, she had no intentions of giving me privacy, so the shorts dropped to the floor and I carried on, as I finished she flicked the cigarette butt into the bath, slipped out of her vest and onto me,

I don’t know what time i returned to my hotel but i slept for a good 18 hours, as it was twelve o’clock when I woke.

DAY 12

LADY 7

This was to be the last hoorah as day 13 was to be a quiet one, ready for the trip home,

We decided to start early and see how many bars we could get around before hitting the clubs,

and that’s where it happened, that’s the day i met the woman, she was so tall maybe seven ft easily, and of course she towered over me,

I was standing at the bar, trying to order a beer, obviously i was on tippy toes trying to get noticed by the bar staff when a shadowy figure engulfed me, i bent my neck back to look up above me, and towering there right behind me was a very very tall slim girl who introduced herself as yazz,

She offered to help me get the drinks in as she definitely would get noticed in a crowded room,

I managed one drink with the boys before I had to slip off,

You see yazz had indicated to me that I should meet her across the other side of the bar where she would be waiting, which she was,

I knew this because every time i lifted my eyes to her location, her eyes were fixed on me,

now this was a great situation to be in,

or this could be just a mad woman wanting to do harm to a young innocent lad, so I could potentially be placing myself in danger,

but of course i had to balance out this idea with the thought of maybe she just wants me for my body, and weighing up the pro’s and con’s on the situation, i figured the body scenario highly unlikely, but one has to try doesn’t one,

And what a fucking result, I am still alive as I open me eyes thirty thousand feet above French landscape, and as I order a drink from a cute air steward, my thoughts again drift off to the bedroom of yazz, the balcony, and the shower, and I pondered, did I just have sex in the many rooms of a pop stars apartment? Well who knows? But I believe I did.

two stalkers

the handy neighbour.

1990

The artist :- stone roses

The album :-the stone roses

Song:-byebye bad man

Song:-(song for my)sugar spun sister

Song :-Kinky afro

Artist:- happy Mondays

Song :- I'm free

Artist :- the soup dragons

Song :- she comes in the fall

Artist :- inspiral carpets

I once had the unwelcome affection of two ladies,

and i’m sure they were lovely ladies in their own surrounding, but the meeting of these two wonderful if not a little unbalanced ladies coincided with each other,

and let’s just say that I may have made the situation somewhat more complicated as I tried to persuade these two lovely ladies that there affections great as they were, would be best placed with another, or to put it another way, they would be better off with a deserving human being,

I am not too sure how I got myself into the situation in the first place? but situations do arise quite often in my orbit.

So short of moving away, i was not sure how I was going to get myself out of the predicament I now found myself in,

Maybe it was i myself who caused this predicament, (no, such a silly thought)

Or maybe i just happened to meet another two loon pots, maybe I was just unlucky, or maybe this is the affect I have on the opposite sex,

STALKER 1

It all started with an overdue works night out, which was planned for the last Saturday in may, and as the occupation i was in was prominently women based, i was looking forward to it,

and the situation that developed started virtually as i took my first steps aboard the boat that the gathering was being held, you see as I was climbing aboard i slipped and fell into the boat and literally into the arms of Donna,

now Donna was the managing director’s P. A, and god she was a fine woman,

She was an older woman, who I’d peg at mid to late thirties, she was very sophisticated with a straight dark bob haircut to the shoulders with fringe to boot,

her hazel eyes mascaraed to the hilt were amazing, so all in all she looked quite intimidating for a younger lad like myself, but strangely mysteriously gorgeous at the same time,

she was dressed very lady like, in a two piece suit with knee length skirt, but those boots, wow those boots,

Anyway this woman caught me like a true professional,

and in the process saved me from going arse over tit,

and thus embarrassing myself even before the party had started, So ruining any chance of an end of the evening snog, and a fumble in the jungle,

how wrong I was!

It was the first time as work colleagues Donna and I had actually had a conversation, even though we’d been in the vicinity of each other on many occasions due to work commitments,

she was very well spoken and I was your common or garden jack the lad northern geezer,

so you would think we’d have nothing in common, and you would be fucking right, absolutely fuck all, of course I did not realise that at the time, I was just hanging on her every word, and undressing her with my eyes, with thoughts of the positions we could be trying later,

if only I actually had listened to her speaking, I may have had time to fuck off, and hook up with dipsy Jane, we have been flirting with each other at work recently,

but I was in to deep now and we laughed we joked, and her barriers ( if she had any) came tumbling down,

and it seemed we did get on well, in that moment, so well in fact, she was back at my place,

totally naked,

spread eagled,

On my bed

Waiting

Panting

on my bed

Begging

for the humble me

on my bed

All before midnight,

And yes on my bed

Result!

The following morning though the lady was gone,

I was surprised I suppose that she just got up and left at some god forsaken time during the night, but I did not dwell on it,

I dragged myself up I showered, smiled to myself for the memories she had left behind, and I got on with my day, It was a Sunday afternoon pint that was on the cards,

with the group of friends I hang out with, so off to the Barley Mow i trott, (one of my locals) this one was located in the town centre, just a fifteen minute walk away,

and you will never guess, but on my way there i had a terrible shock,

I stopped in my tracks, and had to do a double take before realising I was passing the one and only Donna, yes last nights Donna,

albeit she was on the other side of the street, but she certainly spotted me by the way her face turned a brighter shade of red, the troubling thing was she was hand in hand with some bloke that i took for her dad, and there were two young girls following in her wake,

as our paths crossed from afar, i give her a cheeky wink and a smile, and carried on my way, and think nothing more of it, i while away a few lazy hours with friends in the pub,

and by late afternoon We decide to head off for some food back at mine,

My house seemed to be the hub of activities following the pub at weekends back in the day,

And as we arrived at my front door I noticed a car out of the corner of my eye, with what I can only describe as a woman trying to hard to look nonchalant,while infact she sat watching us, now at the time i thought maybe all the group were being watched, or maybe some one further up the street maybe was being watched, (i hand of course got a few pints of ale on board) so it could be just someone parking their car, and anyway the car was too far away to recognise anyone inside it,

and as you do, i just put it down to my mind playing games with me, and carried on with my day, and I never gave it another thought, that is until the morning after,

I left my house for a late shift at work just before one o’clock in the afternoon, and with yet another double take as i was walking along the street, a car passes, and I’m sure it was the car from the afternoon before, it was certainly the same colour, red, bright red,

little incidents occur that week, they play on your mind don’t they, little things you can’t explain, are you seeing things?

Did the door bell ring by itself? I’m sure i put the bin out last night, yet it’s back in the garden?

The feeling of being watched, but you know your fucking mind must be playing games,

to many fucking ales that’s what it is, so yet again you let it go.

STALKER 2

I’m sat at the bar, in the Howley pub (another local just a minute walk away from my front door) contemplating life and nursing a pint, it was a Saturday afternoon and pissing down outside, as it had been for the past three fucking years! Oh sorry three days, just seems like years,

I was in conversation with Julie the barmaid and an occasional bed partner, and on our first meeting Julie a very Shapley, very young looking forty year old lady, who’s short blond pixie style hairstyle caught my attention straight away, and had my heart a fluttering before i had time to breath,

Anyway that afternoon Julie was using me as a sounding board about her daughter Alison, and how Alison can’t find love, “she was only twenty years old for Christ sake, give the girl a chance to grow up and live a little”.( now I only thought this, i never relayed it in words to Julie)

now this is the thing, (don’t go judging,) but I kind of have a date with Alison later on in the coming week, (again I will keep this to my self)

we are going to karaoke night down at Chevvies, the cool hip place of its day,

Alison and I met when she joined me and my mates the week before, her mum was obviously behind the bar and Alison popped into the pub to see her,

well of course our eyes met, she smiled, and I got a hard on, and as they say the rest is history, and as i said I live just two hundred yards down from the Howley pub, it’s easy to see why we had to sleep together,

what else could we do,

she was keen, and i was mad for it. And so it was,

and a date was forged from the embers of our frantic love making, it was to be the following week, although after our bedroom antics, I wasn’t as keen as she seemed to be,

you see, although she was a lovely girl,

Glossy long blond hair,

overly blue eyes,

very slim,

on the verge of losing her shape altogether, i would say,

but still beauty shone from this lovely woman. but,

there’s always a but,

she already seemed very clingy,

she was to quick to call me her boyfriend and make plans, and that scared the shit out of me,

so after the karaoke night it only seemed right to use the words, let’s just be friends, Now fiends don’t slap you hard across the face and call you so many bad names using sentences with so many naughty words in them,

then grab hold of you for dear life and cry relentlessly on your shoulder,

soaking your favourite white Fred Perry T shirt with tears of fucking black mascara,

and sobbing for forgiveness? no less (Christ for what?) but you break, and you hold her tightly, and try to keep her at arm's length, you say whatever you can to stop the crying, “it’s going to be alright, i made a mistake, I wasn’t thinking straight” then you walk hand in hand back to your place and have sex till the early morning.

STALKER 1

It was the Friday after the Saturday before,

and it was my day off when I got a call from The office, which was highly unusual, I was asked if I could pop into the office that morning around 11am,

Now I’ve never been called to the office on my day off in my life, so I was suspicious if not a little intrigued, So i promptly turn up at eleven o’clock full of curiosity with a touch of apprehension thrown in for good measure, why should I be summoned to the M.Ds office

Was it because of the Tete a Tete I had with his PR?

or something totally unrelated, or I’m just being paranoid, I need not have worried though, Donna was there, and she was all alone,

the boss was away at meetings all day apparently,

and she’d sent the office juniors on errands,

with the strict instructions not to return till one o’clock

so what has the lady got in mind today?

My instinct told me to play it cool,

but when Donna did the arm sweep across her desk,

casting all the stationery adrift, and sat on the edge, leaning back with legs akimbo so I could see daylight, and uttering the words fill me up big boy, well I felt obliged to except the offer and climb aboard,

Suffice to say we had an energetic meeting, full of

aerobics, and positions that left me with scorch marks for weeks to come,

I left the office that day with a smile, a hop skip and a jump, and a promise to call her, I never did,

you see she was fun on our night out,

and dominant on our office adventure,

but I was not looking for an affair, and definitely not an affair with a married woman,

you see, she confirmed what I suspected the day we past each other in the street,

it was her husband that was hand in hand with her,

and her two daughters behind,

well in hindsight maybe I should of thought the situation through, just a phone call was maybe all it had needed before things got out of hand.

STALKER 2

I’m lying there, looking to the ceiling, with tears in my eyes, and I’m silently praying, please leave!

Well wake the fuck up first then fuck off,

please God if you do this one thing for me, surely you know I won’t ask for anything else ever again,

I’m beggin you please make this girl disappear!

just from my bed though,

not from the planet,

it’s just I want my life back,

and this woman thinks she’s married to me already,

please God do this for me or i am going to have to be brutal and go and find a cave and go into hiding, for anything up to a fucking year,

this is all going on in my head while Alison is sleeping, she is wrapped around my naked body, so I cannot escape!from my own fucking bed!Christ what was I thinking ,

please God, I promise never ever to drink again,

or at least till I’m free from these shakles, well not till Friday when I’ve a party to go to, I’ll go to soup kitchens and help the needy

I’ll go to church daily,

I’ll .. then there’s a stirring,

the tiny frame of this girl who was crying uncontrollably just the evening before begins to move, and by Christ that put the fear of God into me,

her eyes blink open so slowly, and she turns her head ever so slightly upwards to face mine,

she looks at me smilingly with her sparkly sleepy wet blue eyes, and utters the words a single man dreads first thing in the afternoon, (we slept in ok) good morning (she obviously didn’t have a watch) good morning, she repeats and with a squeeze she says god I love you John Taylor, what shall we do today!

Well you can fuck off for a start, and get a reality check! and I can go find a cave to live in for a year,

because obviously Gods gone on fucking holiday,

again this is in my head, but what I actually said was do you fancy some breakfast in bed, my thinking is I’ll be able to escape the bedroom and regroup in the kitchen to do some quick thinking,

What I actually do is quickly rustle up a make shift breakfast shout upto Alison,

and John leaves the building, and as I’m walking down the road I’m praying again, please God when you get off your fucking holiday help her to understand, and the note that I left, I think it is self explanatory,

my thinking was that face to face didn’t work, so avoidance would be a better option.

Some hours later, on my return home there’s an eerie quietness, thank God for that, peace is back in town,

and I do the thumbs up to God (I see you are back from your holiday then,)

I enter the kitchen and the breakfast I’d made for Alison was untouched,

in fact it was decorating my kitchen walls, with what looked like the whole contents of me fridge,

pure art work from a woman scorned

But in fact I don’t think she should regard herself scorned,

as my note implied we should stay friends and how lovely she was,

and she would make someone a perfect partner one day,

just not me as I’m the coward of relationships,

STALKER 1 , MAYBE

The phone begins to ring it’s three o’clock in the morning and I’ve been down to answer the bloody thing three times already! And i remember thinking i wonder what it’d be like if someone invented some sort of small hand held type phone, because I could just throw the little piece of shit across the room without getting out of bed,

so I’m now fuming and knackered decending the thirteen steps to the bottom of the stairs, just to answer a ghost phone,

and as promised, no fucker on the other end, Again!

the light bulb moment happens just as I hang up ,

I just yanked at the lead and pulled the phone from the socket and shuffled off to bed

STALKER 2 DEFINITELY

Exactly one week after Alison and I decide a relationship would not be the wises thing on the planet, I received my fifth doll!

unlike the other four this one was missing a head,

which was a step up from the others as they had no bits missing, but plenty of holes randomly stabbed around the torso,

thank god dolls don’t have manhoods!

STALKER 1, COULD BE?

The red car had returned, It is parked at the Howley pub just two hundred yards down the road, ok so it’s to far to see into, but close enough to give me the ebee gee bees,

so as I step out of my front door and off the step out into the new day, the red car revved up and started to move forward,

and with that, my ninja like instincts were brought into actions,

I spun on me heels, ran back inside the house through to the kitchen and out the back door, i shoot over the grassy verge backing onto my garden and down the ally to the next street along, this is where I drop off the pace to a nice stroll and off too start my day,

I walk to the coffee shop in the precinct where I was meeting friends, and as I order and turn to find a table, I notice sat up at the window, Donna, all alone nursing a coffee,

my mind is racing,

I was sure she was parked outside my house,

But I did walk here and she was driving

But wait, how would she know where I was going,

I arranged to meet friends here only last night, and she definitely was not fucking present!

She spots me and waves,

shit I have no choice,

but this could be my chance to end this developing story,

so i saunter over like I don’t have a care in the world,

and pull out the chair to casually sit, Of course i miss the chair and end up on my arse, with a loud bang,

the noises I make trying not to look like I missed the chair only alerts all the customers to turn and look at me,

I look up to Donna who was in hysterics, and I say “you could have caught me” it seemed to lighten the mood,

“So where was the phone call you promised me” these were the first words she said to me since our office romp, and they were not the words I was hoping to hear, so I have to think on my feet to answer quickly, “so why didn’t you just knock on my door” was my reply, you have been parked outside enough times”

she looked blankly at me as though I was speaking a foreign language,

and she was so convincing when she denied any knowledge that we ended up in bed again back at mine,

she drove us there in her red car.

STALKER 2 OR MAYBE 1

fucked if I know anymore,

I’m stood on a stool pressed against the framework of my front room window, I’m wrapped in the burgundy velvet curtain that’s hanging there, (before judging me, I was broke at the time and got the curtains from a house clearance) I let one eye drift around the curtain just enough to get a view of the street whilst staying invisible to the outside world, hidden by my invisible burgundy cloak, “Christ I was right” I whisper to myself, the red car was there again! just up the road outside the pub,

the bitch Donna lied to me, she is there, she’s there right now! and she used me, I should march right up to the car and have it out with her now, so i unravel myself from my burgundy invisibility cloak,

careful not to be seen by the outside world, just for now anyway,

my next actions will be crucial to all living at this address, which in a nut shell means me,

My simple plan is put into action, just as before I shall exit my house via the back door, why complicate things,

so I pop up to my bedroom to collect my work bag and off to work I go,

And except for a chance glance out of the bedroom window I would have taken my self into the lions den,

because sat on the grass verge just beyond my back gate is Alison, she’s just sat there crossed legged and it looks like she’s brushing the blond hair of a child’s doll!

So there it is! finally, I’m stuffed, it seems to me that I have acquired two stalkers this past month,

one is sat in a red car out the front,

and the other is sat out the back like a tiger waiting for her prey to pass by,

so I have a decision to make? which woman is the lesser of two evils,

who will take pity on me,

And my decision May well

surprise you,

Because I had a moment of clarity, a quick phone call to next door, and all was saved, well at least for one day,

the neighbours daughter answers and the plan was finalised, ❤️❤️❤️

you see, Jane (the daughter) and myself have some what of an arrangement, very casual of course, and when I explain the situation I was in, and after she’d picked herself up from the floor and changed her underwear from pissing herself with laughter, she eagerly agreed with my plan,

and with that I was up the ladders leading to the loft, and I’m like a ballet dancer floating across the beams to the deviding wall between the two houses, which is only half built up, (why I have no idea? Maybe a lathario architect decided this would be ideal for this kind of situation) so you can easily crawl over to your next door neighbours attic, which of course I swiftly did,

and there she was, with her head stuck through her loft ceiling hatch, with a torch for guidance was the lovely Jane with a big cheesy grin all over her face,

this is going to cost me big time i thought,

now jane is a lovely girl,

5ft 2 very curvy, short wild hair , and I’d say a bit of a free spirit punk if you will,

but she does have a big apitite for love making,

and as we’re great mates, it falls upon me from time to time to help the girl out,

and I have the distinct feelin this will be my payment for services rendered,

I dropped to the bedroom floor through the hatch to find Jane lying there completely naked on the bed, she gestured me over to join her, “fuck off Jane I’ve got to be at work pronto”

she just laughed her tits off and got dressed, while I undressed,

you see the next part of the plan was for me to put on one of her dresses stockings etc, a bit of slap maybe, and a head scarf,

and the two of us would leave via her front door and drive off into the sunset,

And this we did very successfully,

STALKER 1

The confrontation happened by chance, I was at the office to drop off my time sheet, when Donna accosted me in the hall way and dragged me into what I can only describe as a closet,

it was a very cosy closet indeed, we were so close to each other her breath was steaming up my eye balls, and I couldn’t help but to get aroused,

But I held my ground and I confronted her with my stalking allegations,

and ending with the afternoon of my escape,

I was not nice, and did not hold back,

and all this was said in a whisper, and with a hard on pressed up against the lady I’m accusing,

well she was furious and she fired a tirade of abuse back with accompanying spittle!

I was fucking covered in lady spit,

she ended her speech with “and I was in fucking London with the boss when you were last stalked, you jumped up little prick”

well I never, a tad over the top I thought, well i was so confused at that moment,

but was still just calm enough to ask Donna if she fancied a quickie there and then in the closet,

A knee to the bollocks (and a good shot it was at such close quarters) is what I actually got and she opened the door and left, leaving me to tumble out, balls in hand and screwed up face,

for reasons unknown she never spoke to me again, and left for pastures new within six months,

STALKER 3 REALLY?

A week had passed and I’m stalkerless, and pretty god dam upset,

I was quite getting use to all the ducking n diving,

well I didn’t have long before I would be regretting my last thoughts,

I’d spent the Friday evening propping up the bar at the Howley pub chatting to Julie, when she suggested we go back to her place after she’s finished, and as I knew Alison did not live with her mum I thought this was a splendid idea, and told her so, and as the night came to a close we grabbed a bottle of wine and walked the short distance to her house,

we got to her front door and we were you know kissing and canoodling as you do, while at the same time Julie fumbled to get the key into the lock, when I glanced up and noticed from my hazy happy drunken eyes, a red car parked on her drive, well my arse cheeks contracted together, my heart rapidly started to beat out of my chest, sweat appeared on my brow

Christ on a bike!

Is the mother and daughter in cahoots?

the front door swings open and we tumble in, still wrapped in one another’s arms, only to be faced with the demonic Alison, standing up straight, legs apart, her eyes wide and red, with tears running down her cheeks letting her mascara blacken her face so she looked like a melting witch,

steam was drifting from her ears, she was holding what look like a bloodied machete in her left hand, and a big fuck off industrial drill buzzing into life in the other,

She was laughing uncontrollably, I’m glued to the spot staring forward, the front door bangs shut and the sound of the lock being engaged echoes around my brain,

Then Alison stepped forward,

THE END OF THE STALKING

I woke early Saturday morning in my own bed, on my own dripping in sweat,

thankful I had left the nightmare I was in,

and with a fuzzy head ran through the unfortunate incident last night,

Alison was actually sat on the settee head in hands sobbing profusely, when Julie an myself fell through the door that night,

and she new all about the two of us having casual assignation,

her mother straight away comforted her, ended it with me immediately,

and asked me to leave, but before doing so I had to ask a couple of questions, the first was about the red car,

Well apparently she regularly parks her red car near the pub if she’s out an about, second I was wondering if a threesome was out of question? Well I think I’ll stay away from the Howley pub for awhile considering the look on the two girls faces,

and I think I may owe Donna an apology if I ever catch up with her, or do I?

Who did do the anonymous phone calls ?

And how did she know what places I would be frequenting?

Was it a mother daughter conspiracy

Was Donna really in London?

The only two certainties in this story are, one Alison definitely had stalker traits,

and two, never let any one know where you live. Oh and three, become a fucking priest.

A New life,

A new career

And a barge

1990

Artist:- Rick Astley

Song :- never gonna give you up

Artist:- whitesnake

Song :- is this love

Artist :-terrence Trent derby

Song:- wishing well

GOOD PARENTING

My first foray into the caring community started at the back end of nineteen eighty seven, I'm guessing it was late September, as I had not long arrived home from st tropez where I had been working since February, well I say we left from st tropez, but it was actually Benidorm as myself and a couple of the boys travelled to Benidorm from st tropez (by train I might add)

just to see what work if any, was going at the end of the summer season (we were not ready to go back home at the time) unfortunately as you might have read in previous ramblings things did not go to plan on that trip, and a hasty retreat home was necessary.

Well I hadn't been home five bloody minutes before mother dear decided I had to get a job to to earn ones keep, well you could blow me down with a feather, this wasn't like my mummy, all this time I thought I was her favourite child, and here she is within a fortnight of me arriving on British soil she was wanted her piece of flesh, well I say it was mother, but I'm guessing she was just the mouth piece for my step dad jimmy, ( not my favourite person on this planet) it may also have had something to do with the fact that I owe them the money they dished out to get three lost boys from London to Warrington,

As it turns out they already have a potential position marked out for me, I apparently just had to turn up sober at the interview, do a half decent job at answering the questions, and bobs your uncle, the job would be mine, so a deal was struck with my parents, that if I get this job they will forgo the loan, ( well that's great, I did not realise I had to pay the pissing money back, never had to in the past) anyway I agreed but I also stipulated that I would be leaving for pastures new not long after Christmas, back to south of France one thinks,

Finally all parties are in agreement, the deal is done and peace is resumed, now I just have to get past the interview.

THE INTERVIEW

Unfortunately the whole turning up sober for the interview may have gone somewhat awry,

Don't get me wrong, I did not go out drinking ahead of arriving for the interview, no I went out the evening before, which kinda turned into a late night session, with me eventually getting to bed, at day break, so with less than two hours of sleep before the interview, I'd say I was not in the best state to answer questions, but fortunately my boyish charm, cheeky smile, and drunken flirting got me through, Sally the thirty something interviewer, was smitten, and I knew it, so being still drunk, and not particularly interested in getting the post available, the gloves were off, and by the time we had finished (the interview that is) some hands on contact had livened up the interview and a date was set ( they don't do bloody interviews like that anymore I can tell you) so as you may have deduced I smashed the interview and interviewer, and would be sent a starting date by post, that is once our dalliance was concluded, yes sally was somewhat of a blackmailer, I had to sacrifice my mind body and soul to satisfy Sally's lust for a young male before the confirmation letter was posted, ( clever little thing) so within two weeks of that faithful night I started on a new path in life which stretched some thirty five plus years, (I did not see that coming)

NEWCHURCH

I walk alone down the obligatory dark long and winding road, from the village of Culcheth and head for the gates of Newchurch hospital, and when I say dark I mean fucking pitch black, I could have done with a white stick or a guide dog to get down this mile long road,

it was fucking treacherous, not a streetlight in sight, and with the thunder storm that appeared directly over head just as I turned onto this unfamiliar road, it would be safe to say that I was bricking it as I navigated my way slowly along this fucking nightmare for the best part of what felt like twenty four hours, but was actually only around fifteen minutes,

finally I arrive at the gates of what I can only describe as a Victorian prison, there was a twenty five foot wall with wrought iron gates dominating the space between the two sides of this wall which travels off to my left and right, and looks like it surrounds all of the array of buildings which lay within,

at six fifty am, I stand there dejected and soaked to the bone, just waiting there like a fucking fool in the middle of the road at the entrance of the gates of hell, I was expecting to be greeted by sally who had assured me that she would be waiting to walk me around the facilities, and introduce me to the charge nurse who I would be working under, she was nowhere to be found and I was obliged to enter the facility and find my own way to a place within these walls, and all I had was a name on a piece of paper, there was a moment I thought fuck it I don't need this shit, and I actually turned around to leave, and as I did this, lightning galloped across the skyline, illuminating the darkness, and the rain got even heavier, and just looking at the road ahead that I had just travelled up had me turning back on my heels and legging it to the nearest building,

now the nearest building was a lock down unit called caldron, and of course I had no idea of this until I entered the building, but I would never forget the sound of demons, violence and crying, nor the smell of vomit shit and bleach, and thank god I only made it to the reception area as the rest of the doors off of this reception area were barred and locked, with no way of getting any further in but also fortunately for me there was no way anyone is getting out either, I spot the buzzer on the right of the only door that was not barred, it was a wooden panelled type thing which threw open the instant I pressed the buzzer, and stood there in front of me was Danny de Vito (movie star of the 80s&90s) well it was certainly his doppelgänger, this guy was maybe five foot two, balding on top, but bushy hair on the sides he had black beadie eyes and wore a crumple black suit and tie, his look reminded me not of someone who had just come from a funeral, but of someone who dragged themselves from the coffin and left their own funeral, he quickly introduced himself as the superintendent of this establishment, he gave no name, and I did not ask and neither did I give my name, and as I had no idea what the fuck a superintendent was, or how superior he was to me, I just handed him the now soggy piece of paper I still held tightly in my hand, he took the paper gingerly between his fore finger and thumb, he glanced at it then looked me up and down with I'd say a scowl, but it just as easily could have been a smile, he nodded his head forward in the manner of an order that I should follow him, a couple of steps and I'm back outside,

surprisingly it had stopped raining, daylight had arrived and the sun was high in a clear blue sky, the superintendent pointed, my eyes followed his finger and they arrived at the first building, a very large semidetached Victorian style house at the head of many houses, that circled a large area arranged around an oval driveway, in the shape of a horseshoe, with these identical houses on both sides, like a little hamlet in the country side, I turned to thank the little man, but he had gone, the door was shut and my note lay at the base of the doorway dissolving in a poodle of water.

SALLY NO SHOW

I never saw sally the interviewer again, but I did see sally my superior occasionally, just in passing,

but she never really spoke to me, I figured she'd had her wicked way with me, gave me a job, and now we were quits, which was fair do's, I'll take that.

six months into my tenure I was getting itchy feet, and was ready to move back to the south of France,

don't get me wrong the wage was great, and I had started to get use to the income,

I was living at mothers and paid minimal rent, so I should have been happy to have joined the status quo,

the only problem I had was the actual job I was employed to do,

The place was more like a prison than a hospital,

looking from the out side, the place looked so idyllic, a paradise for people with learning disabilities, but once you peel back the layers and step inside, you can see the cancer that throbs away at its underbelly,

the accepted practices of the time for all staff were somewhat medieval for my young eyes, I found it difficult to stand in the communal bathroom with a razor in hand shaving the men one by one as they were shunted along by the white coats, (state enrolled nurses, or the Gestapo for short) it was just a fucking conveyor belt of naked men, and they were then pushed along to the next staff to be washed and to get their teeth scrubbed, well those who had teeth, most had all teeth removed as a convenience, to save on fucking dental care, would you believe, others had teeth removed to stop them biting, again all this would be achieved with the same toothbrush and face cloth, the next stage for these poor men would be to collect clothes from the wardrobe department which was situated right next to the padded cell, which seemed to be used on a regular basis, once dressed next for these men would be bed inspection, and of course there was not individual bedrooms, it was one long dormitory with twenty two beds and a bed side closet for all there personal items, may closets were empty as you can imagine, and once the white coats were happy with the condition of the dormitory all would be shunted to the dining room for breakfast, now breakfast came on a trolly from the main kitchens on site, as did all meals , there was no choice, whatever was put on your plate you ate or you would fucking starve until the next meal, so you can imagine pretty much everything was cleared from those plates as soon as it was placed in front of the men, it was not a pretty sight,

and of course this was also the time the drugs were dished out,and this job was the responsibility of the white coats,

the trolley would be stationed at the exit of the dining room and as the men were moved to the communal area they would take their medicine, whether they wanted it or not, and except for the chosen few who would have work details around the hospital, the men would sit around the wall of the communal area comatose, waiting for the next meal and bed,

and on a regular basis one or another would kick right off (acting out in todays language, to be fair the language changes every decade) and fights would erupt around the place, scary times, so not only were the men basically locked up twenty four seven, we the staff were initially locked up for the entire shift too,

now on the plus side to the job there was a hell of a lot of sexy hot nurses scattered around the place, and this was like a magnet to me, and this is what kept me there for as long as I did, but even this was starting to wane, and my feet began to ich, so a strategy was put together in my head, once I have secured a date with lovely Tina I would call time on my foray into health care. And there you have it France was beckoning for a second year in a row, but of course as you may or may not know this never materialised.

THE COMMUNITY BECKONS

A date with Tina was secured as we traveled on the back seat of the Warrington bound bus, it was one evening after a late shift together, we chatted and giggled like little school kids, until it was her stop to depart, but before the bus completely stopped she lay one on me, the best snog of my entire life so far, and the reaction in my pants was immediate,

Tina notice the bulge right of the bat, and left the bus giggling, I'm sure this was her intention,

and for the rest of my journey home I had my coat lay across my lap,

the next day I was on a morning shift, and while on the ward a new face was chatting to the charge nurse,

our charge nurse name of Derek was an older gentleman and a tweed jacket wearer, buttoned up shirt and tie, black trousers and the obligatory white coat opened, always opened, he was looking in my direction, and he then pointed to me and the lady he was chatting with also looked at me, I of course reddened in the face and tried to work out quickly in my head what I had fucked up, and then they started to approach me, my arse started to twitch and I pretended not to notice them, i turned on my heels to fuck off pretty dam sharpish, but I was stopped in my tracks by the deep baritones of Derek, and as I froze on the spot, beads of sweat appeared on my forehead, my legs turned to jelly and I ended up on the floor collapsing in a pool of my own sweat and piss, well maybe nothing so dramatic as that, but I did let out a little pee, I turned to greet the approaching two, and to my amazement they were smiling, Derek introduced me to Anna, a very attractive older woman, I'd give her at least ten years or so on me, so that would put her at thirty three to thirty five years old, she was dressed in a two piece business suit, dark blue with a crisp white blouse underneath the jacket which was buttoned up to an inch of its life, her skirt was above the knee, and as I looked her up and down I couldn't help but wonder if those were tights or stockings under that skirt,

Anna was a senior nurse who was recruiting young blood from the hospitals around the north west, to join a new project the health service was rolling out, it was called care in the community, and it had only been around for maybe three years or so, and was gathering momentum as the new kid on the block in care, and with that a younger staff group was being created who don't have any pre conception about care within the health services for adults with learning disabilities, now don't get me wrong when Anna laid out the ideas behind this new adventure I was very interested in the concept and keen to give it a go, and maybe see where it would take us,

but also I kinda fancied Anna and I was also keen to see where that could go, and so after an interview with the two other seniors and the director, I was recruited

I'll give this enterprise my full attention for a few weeks to see what the story is,

then I'll be fucking off to France for the summer season, and maybe there will be a position on my return,

But things don't always go the way you play them out in your mind do they,

and you have to wonder what would of become of yourself had you not taken that left turn, well that was what I did I took that left turn and excepted that new position and I never got back to France,

and I'm certain that what happened to me throughout my life was not the way it would have gone if I had turned the job down as planned,

but like pretty much every one on the planet I had to take what was on offer in life,

and like many I wouldn't change a thing, and one reason is because people in my life would not be there, and I couldn't have that for any amount of money,

WARRINGTON INTEGRATE

An induction of one week was all I got in the training department, and that only really consisted of shadowing a member of staff in one community house with three old dears living there,

I was mentored on how to use a vacuum cleaner, how to make a cup of tea, how to butter bread, all these meaningful household chores were vital to community care, for fuck sake I thought days are going to drag in these kind of establishments, and on some levels I was right,

but I would also see a different side to this job soon enough, anyway my first week went smoothly, and I was pronounced a fully operational community care worker.

It must of been a month or so into my tenure with Warrington integrate when the director came to see me, well I say he came to see me, he was just visiting all the community houses, as part of his remit, he was somewhat of a strange creature, and a robbing bastard to boot I believe,

but I would not hear about his under the table dealings until some years later, after I had left the service,

Geoffrey sat cross legged in a recliner in the lounge of the old dears home, while they sat at the table in the back room waiting until he had decided he'd seen enough, and had finished his tea and biscuits, Geoffrey was not only the director he took the prize for the biggest fucking arse hole you could ever meet, with all his airs and graces that he'd picked up from books and magazines he'd read while sat in his council house when he was a child, nowadays he walks around like he's upper class looking down on you through his steely grey eyes, he sports a goaty beard and a moustache that curls up at the end,

and he trots around in a tweed jacket waistcoat and cravat finished off with corduroy trousers, but you can sense what kind of man he is when you look at his shoes, the dirty bastard, they've never seen a lick of boot polish in their miserable history, you can even see the holes in the soles when he's sat there all crossed legged like a fucking lord, dribbling tea and wet biscuit down his scrawny weasel of a goaty,

Anyway this fucker was mainly here to speak to myself, "well young lad" he starts I've been keeping an eye on you sir, and I've been impressed by your work, so I've been thinking it's time to move you on for your development and help bring on some fellows from the hospital"

So basically what he is saying, is we are opening a new community house, and we need to staff it, so you're moving on, so less than six weeks in my new career and I have been moved already,

this would be the trend that would last the rest of my career in care, but before this new challenge, I was transferred to another community house to help out due to staff sickness, and within a week I had fell in love and was married within a year, and separated a year later, but did not get divorced of course until I was looking to get married again, some ten years later, and I had to go out and find my first wife to get divorced so I could get myself another wife, if you get my drift.

Anyway let's jump to nineteen ninety and I was three years into a career that I thought was going to be a stop gap back to France,

but of course with the marriage shenanigans and other obstacles, I never made it back and at twenty five, I had bought a house, my brother had moved in, and I had a girlfriend, casual of course, and a great group of mates had been formed,

and with the music scene exploding at that time, it was a time for the young,

UNUSUALLY REQUEST

I first became aware of a name that was circulating the community houses, connected to our dear slimy director Geoffrey, dodgy geoff was apparently his new moniker, and I was very curious to know why, and after a little bit of research among fellow staff members, who have had the pleasure of working alongside the dick in the past, I found that dodgy Geoff seemed to like doing dodgy deals which involved other peoples money which would help line his own pockets, and his latest venture included yours truly,

myself and a fellow staff member Alex were summoned to the office for a meeting with management, and the management consisted on this day of just dodgy Geoff and his side kick Steve, now Steve was just a mere care worker but had been mates with Geoff since they joined the health service back in the day together, they also had a hobby that brought them together, and said hobby was barging, I know! what the fuck is barging, that's exactly what I said to the two pricks, when I was asked would I like a lesson in barging,

I looked at Alex and he looked at me, he looked more terrified that I did, we both thought the worst, we made the assumption that it was some sort of kinky sexual act, like do you fancy doing a bit of doggin, or can we tie you to a tree and start barging you boys with our erect members, in unison we both declined the offer, and this was when Geoffrey pulled some photographs out of his inside pocket, and suggested that we would be getting paid for four days of barging, my eyes nearly popped out of my fucking head, what torture have these two creatures got up there sleeves, that would involve two innocent boys, mind you they would be paying handsomely, now that was just a passing thought, so now we are going to be seduced with some erotic pictures, or to you and me porn, but no he laid out a host of photographs of what I thought were boats, but apparently they are called barges, or canal boats,

Well I can tell you Alex and I both gave one hell of a sigh of relief, unless this was just some subterfuge to throw us of the sexual predator scent, you'll be glad to know it was not, and my arse stayed intact for another day, the plan actually was that dodgy Geoff and knob head Stevie wanted Alex and I to pick up a barge in Manchester and manoeuvre it through the Cheshire ring, these are canals and waterways of the north west , peak district and more, or so I'm lead to believe, and for a novice it could take at least fourteen days to navigate these canals, but the canals we would be using to arrive back to Warrington, apparently should only take four days, and to put the cherry on top of the proverbial cake, our shifts would be covered and we would get paid double time for the four days, result quickly sprang to mind, but with a seed of doubt itching the back of my mind, and the doubt we had, was why would dodgy Geoff need two young scallywags with no past experience of ever being on a barge never mind driving the bloody thing (or is it sailing?) down any kind of waterways (I never even played with a toy boat in the bath when I was a boy)

And why the two of us? especially when knob head Stevie lives on a fucking barge, and dodgy Geoff has his own barge which he drives or sails almost every weekend, there is definitely something amiss here, one thinks, but we are getting well paid, and we are working for the health authority, so we decide to take on this challenge, but of course with a little trepidation.

A couple of days before our little seafaring adventure we were given a quick demonstration of barging life.

Oh dear what will become of us on this journey on the waterways.

A kidnapping

the intimidation,

a blind dead cat,

Featuring :- Thomas and the yellow tank top

1992

The band:- The Shamen

The song:- Ebeneezer Goode

The band:- Ten Sharp

The Song:- You

The band:- Crowded House

The song:- Weather With You

The band:-Shakespeare’s sister

The song:- stay

Never get in a car with a stranger, and never get in a car with your lodger, one who you have always consider a friend, a simple analogy that I of course did not follow myself, and so I went head long into a journey that took me down the path of the dark murky and dangerous world of drugs, drug pushers, drug barons racketeers, and the mafia, well that’s how it seemed to me at the time but on later reflection I may have been exaggerating a little,

May 92

THE MASSACRE

I was introduced to Lee by our kid, and within weeks I was persuaded to take on a new lodger, Lee was a great lad of twenty three, softly spoken and who never seemed short of money, and he was very generous with it too,

but that was probably due to the fact that he ran his own mobile phone business, he had a partner in the business but that was all I really new about it,

and with the year being nineteen ninety two, this was the business to be in, as the mobile phone was the new kid on the block, and that business was about to take off big time,

(I myself would not purchase my first mobile untill nineteen ninety nine, the first pay ad you go)

and what a fucking mistake that was, and has been ever since, who fucking knew at the time your missus could get in touch with you instantly, no fucking hiding place for you boy! no quick pint after work, no forgetting the time because she sure would not,

one minute late and you’d hear the sound, yes brrr brrrr fucking brrrr, maybe that’s why I always seemed to had commitment issues? yes I shall always blame the mobile.

and the mobile, yes the mobile left me lonely paranoid and childless for many a year,

without the invention of the mobile phone, men’s lives would have been completely different, I’m sure,

anyway, It was a Friday afternoon

the weather was scorchio, and the plan for Lee and I was a takeaway then drinks at the local,

but before I got the chance to eat, the news coming out of the new upper class estate, built recently along the Manchester ship canal, and just minutes away from my front door was that there had been some sort of bloody massacre, featuring knives machetes and baseball bats,

on hearing the news, Lee went white as a an angel which he was fucking not and never would be,

so I knew there and then something was amiss, especially when he dropped the curry he’d just picked up for us both all over the lounge carpet and rug, funny how much curry you get in a takeout carton especially when it’s dropped from shoulder height, and it sure can spread with speed as well (I was so fucking hungry at that moment and it was such a waste of a great curry)

you’ll not be surprised Lee received this news by mobile phone,

soon as he hung up he was off like a jack rabbit, hurdling the steaming pile of curry he’d left soaking into my cream rug, and out the front door,

I was after him within seconds wondering if I could salvage some of that curry later while legging it up Parr street and into the new riverside estate, and what a stunning estate it was, full of gorgeous spacious detached houses, of course there was one house that was the exception,

and this one stood out from the others, noticeable because there was no front window anymore, and the other obvious alteration was the door, it was hanging to one side by just one solitary hinge,

oh and let’s not forget the bloodied body sat hunched over vomiting into the rose bush that was the main feature of a well groomed garden,

a quick rekkie of the front room through the new open planned style frontage told me everything I needed to know, and that was I should not be anywhere near this fucking place and within seconds I was not, I was on my toes, and was in the howley pub with Lee discussing what may have occurred in the sleepy riverside estate.

well for a start

the house was trashed and another body was sat bloodied with slashes to the face and hands, he sat watching an imagery tv, the real tv was in bits on the front lawn with most of the house’s other possessions,

Lee let me in on his little secret, apparently the two men were, (sorry are, they suffered many injuries but all superficial , a message was sent on that day one thinks) his business partner and associate of there firm,

Lee seemed to think this was the actions of a jealous rival mobile phone company,

I suggested that it seemed a touc heavy handed for a bit of mobile phone rivalry

July 92

THE KIDNAPPING

Eight weeks had passed since the riverside attack, and all was at peace, Lee seemed more chilled and was back to his fun filled self,

the world was still spinning and the summer partying was now in full swing,

and on that note, there was just the party I fancied going to,

It was just on the other side of town and Lee had promised to drop me off as he was heading out himself to do a few errands,

The promise of a lift had the catch of a little diversion attached to it before the party start time, which was fine with me, it saved on two bus journeys, and a ten minute walk in the rain, which would not bold well with my attire,

and you never want to be the first to a party anyway do you,

we set of with a promise from Lee that he would get me to the party in plenty of time,

but first he had to pick up a mate who also needed a lift,

I was spread across the seats in the back of Lee’s BMW knocking back my fourth can of strongbow that evening, and listening to the silky tunes coming out of the CD player, when I realised that maybe we should be getting a move on to the party pretty soon,

I also realised at the same time (when I bothered a look out of the back side window) that we were coming off a motorway at a place called mold in fucking Wales,

Well you will understand that my thoughts straight away were that of being kidnapped and trafficked to a bunch of political types holding Court in a different country, ( I have a vivid imagination)

so you can imagine that my senses were turned up to high alert status almost immediately.

My arse was twitching and was about to go into anus dilation and my heart I suspected was about to fucking explode from my chest,

and this was all because I had decided to question in my head how I got hear in Wales, which was pretty fucking dam obvious, but of course I had to actually put the question to Lee, which was “What the fuck are we doing in fucking Wales” this question was more of a scream from the back of his BMW which seemed to be coming to a stand still down some bleak dark dirt track of a road, Lee calmly replied

matter of fact like,

“ we are just picking up some drugs and your here just as back up, your just a face, so you just need to get out of the car and stand there with the door open and look fucking menacing!

Now have you seen me! for fuck sake, I’m five ft seven and three quarters tall, blonde shoulder length hair with blue eyes, and an effeminate look,

infact I’m the totally opposite of menacing, I think I would probably get shagged rather than shot in this situation, I can just see the headlines now!

Gangland slaying, two dead of gun shots one found shagged to death wearing a big fucking smile on his face,

Well I stood there on jelly legs propping myself up on the back door of the BMW when headlights approached us from the other direction, well that’s when I pissed myself and vomited through my nose, I also threw myself on to the back seat of the BMW with my hands over me head in surrender, while screaming lalalalala, (that always helps in risky situations I’m sure I’ve read somewhere)

at this point I think I may have past out,

When I awoke Lee and his mate were in fits of laughter while I lay there on the back seat in my own piss, and there was a crust developing around my lips where the vomit had dried,

I eventually sat up to the sound of sirens, and the car was travelling at a speed of easily one hundred miles per hour, well this was the time the Pooh decided to rear its ugly little head in the form of a very big wet fart, “Jesus Christ” I screamed “let me out of this fuckin nightmare please” Lee pulled over and minutes later the sirens drifted away in to the ether, where upon Lee turned to me with tears in his eyes and snot running down from his nose, he pointed (as words alluded him at that moment) to let me know we had arrived at my venue of choice,

he then apologised for the speed but he did promised to get me here on time, and after my body came back to life I stepped out of that car for some air,

and without saying a word Lee sped off as quickly as he arrived, leaving me stood in front of a group of hot female aqaintances, stinking of piss, humming of shit, I had large stains visible at the front and back of my trousers and a crusty fuckin gob with the breath of a fishmongers crotch, I smiled to the girls, turned and walked away, because if any girl wanted me in that state she wasn’t the girl for me.

September 92

JAIL TIME

We never spoke of the incident that occurred in July of nineteen ninety two,

and no explanation from Lee was forth coming, but what I do know is at this moment in time he is residing at her majesty’s pleasure on drug offences, and before he was taken away he left me as his guardian of sorts,

he had deposited a large some of money into an account in my name that I alone could withdraw from,

he had also signed his pride and joy of a car over to me,

all this was on the understanding for me to keep it all safe for when he gets out of prison,

and that’s where it all gets a little complicated, Lee did not get out of prison after his trial and would not be for a couple of years and I’m left holding the proverbial baby so to speak.

you see all along Lee had been spinning me a colossal lie, it came to pass that Lee’s wealth was not from a thriving mobile phone business, (you could be forgiven into thinking I was a little naive after the house attack and kidnapping, but in my defence I chose not to ask questions and just take the odd freebie’s from Lee)

no the phone business was just a front, maybe a fruitfull one but all the same a front for drugs and money laundering, and after the machete raid some months previously, apparently everything went tits up,

with Lee’s partner and associate being arrested and both determined to save there selves by talking to the police about anything and everything they new about the drugs trade in the north,

which wasn’t very much because apparently they were small fry only getting into the dodgy business after being made redundant from their jobs, and they used their redundancy money to set up the mobile shop, and things just spiralled out of control from there (now the funny thing is the proverbial mobile phone took off like a fucking rocket and they would have made a fucking fortune if they’d stayed legit, such knob eads) and while squealing like babies to the cops they were at the same time were throwing Lee to the wolves.

October 92

Monday 5th

THOMAS THE TANK TOP

It started with a visit by a stranger,

a funny looking creature, but he had an aura of don’t fuck with me about him,

he was around 5ft 6 in height and around 6ft wide,

he had blond hair in a nerdy styled right sided parting, slicked right to left across his

10 inch forehead,

on our first meeting he wore a fetching yellow tank top, over a purple shirt fastened up to the fat neck that blended right into his head like a fucking tree trunk, he looked so fuckin scary

I think I let out a little pee because my inner thighs turned moist as he spoke his fist words ta me,

“Mr Taylor, we have a mutual acquaintance residing in strangeways, at this very moment “ I smiled, I nodded at the right times, but found it hard not to crease up in stitches, as the lisp he had made him sound like fucking Donald Duck on helium,

but I resisted and held on to the door frame for dear life, knowing a serious injury could be but a second away, so I clenched my body tight so as not to look like I noticed his vocal range,

but I could not help the tears roll down my cheeks, and I think these were taken as tears of sadness for are detained acquaintance,

so I played the grieving friend to the best of my ability, unfortunately I fear this new found acquaintance had little to no emotions as he just ploughed on with his shpeel about Lee, while inviting himself in making a cup of tea and invited me to sit on my own fuckin settee in my own fucking house, cheeky bastard,

Some thirty minutes later the man now known as Thomas was gone,

and on reflection I was now left feeling psychologically raped and very intimidated,

So basically in a none threatening monotoned speech I was advised to sign over all of Lee’s assets, as Lee himself had decided he wanted Thomas the dick head, to have control of them, which was in total contradiction to Lee’s wishes when I visited him the day before,

so a dilemma had emerged. And a deadline given,

I had only two weeks before Thomas would be back around for all documentation, bank accounts and of course the car, this was very generous of the fellow, as I had made no promises to any of this, in fact I had said fuck all at our one and only meeting, so why would he think I would comply,

well three days after the mystery visit, I came home from work to find there was a huge space where my garage door use to be, exposing the multi gym I had inside, ( this was just to fill the space because I never fuckin used it)

now attached to the said gym was next doors cat, it was strung up from the cross bars by its neck and it seemed to be missing its eyes, it wasn’t my favourite cat as it goes, it had a habit of finding it’s way into my house and pissing everywhere, come to think of it, the moggy was hanging around the day Tommy the tank top called with his ultimatum, (obviously not hanging the way it was when I found it)

Sunday 11th

The police arrived early in the guise of a beautiful brunette she was around my age but looked a lot younger, and of course she carried her uniform oh so well,

she arrived to take down my particulars, as I had requested a visit through the emergency number 999, the reason for this was a second incident,

it was Sunday lunchtime on the 11th and I arrived home that morning from the night before, it had been a very productive Saturday night out, and ended with a sleep over at a very pleasant girls place, well I say sleep it was anything but, (she was a nurse and had a very big appetite for sex drugs and rock n roll, suffice to say we partied hard till the early hours at the nurses accommodation,) anyway I noticed as soon as I arrived home that I had been burgled, this was because my keys became were useless to me, due to the fact some one had stolen my fucking front door, and on a closer inspection, I’d found that other items were gone,

not to mention my prized guitar, which was only purchased the previous week and was on display in the lounge, and yes you guessed it, that was where Thomas the twat had placed himself for the informal chat he insisted on.

On the seventeenth of October around One in the Morning, just six days after the burglary

the house was alive with police, all but one I suspect, she was hiding under my duvet up in my bedroom, Donna and I ( the pc who was the officer working my burglary) were having some down time after a date night then drinks back at mine with friends,

and by midnight the house had gone m to sleep, but soon a mate who was crashing on the sofa in the front lounge, (a mistake on his behalf one thinks) ended up on the wrong side of a beating, when the house was once again broken into and the front room was trashed along with my good friend Nigel, but worst of all about this house intrusion was that me hi tech state of the art bang and Olufsen sound system took the worst of the beatings, (ok Nige I know, but you will recover, music died that night

and Mr bang does come first, )

so unfortunately he did not survive, vinyl was never the same due to the arm on the turn table being ripped from its socket, the CD player just would not fucking open ( not sure if it was to scared to come out to play)

and the buzzing from the left speaker was too fucking annoying, while the right speaker was completely dead, god rest it’s sole, so all in all my very expensive music sensation could only play the radio and only fucking radio two at that, ( a great station now, but in nineteen ninety two I’m was not so sure)

Statements were taken, and arrests were imminent, but nobody would take the death of bang and olufsen seriously, (god dam jobs worth’s )

1993

Several months had past, and life was going on swimmingly, but unfortunately there was a court case to be heard, and my mate Nige was the star witness and was determined to bring the culprits to justice,

but for me, we’ll i was still on party mode and had subconsciously wiped the incidents from my mind,

that was until I was walking towards my house and noticed the two suited and booted geezers on my doorstep, and as you do you walk straight past your own home to your mates house several doors down, Andy was a top mate, he suggested we regroup in the pub, so we piled into his car with Elaine driving (his wife) and proceeded to drive past my house, which should be a simple act you do, unless you are with my mates, because fucking beeping your horn and waving, with me in the back seat shaking my head is definitely not the way tout run the police,

Two days had past, and I was understandably sick of shitting into my boxers, so I walked into the local cop shop to what I thought was turning myself in,

but in fact what was waiting was a summons to appear in court as a witness at the trial of the century,

Another day in 93

I stood there in the witness box, I’ve no idea who’s been before me or who was to come after,

all I new at that moment was I had to answer one simple question and that was can you point to the person who is knownto you as Thomas,

and there I was standing in a fucking wooden box levitated above all of the court, with the accused and all of the rest of the good bad and ugly looking on at me to see where my finger of fate rested,

so with the beads of sweat dripping like a leaky tap down my milky forehead, and my guts rumbling like a volcano about to erupt, I pointed,

yes i pointed with what I would say was a limp finger, but in the direction of the freaky fellow that sat just in front of my direct eye line and said that it was him , and him looked at me,

and then and there I decided it would be a great idea to emigrate once I leave the courthouse,

I left that courthouse much happier than others did, ( many years were handed out)

So I was on my way home,

while the bad guys left for their extended holidays,

care of the jurisdiction system, for some years and some distance from me,

the only problem I had now, was how to recoup some of the cash I accidentally borrowed from Lee, (of course he does not know this, as I would not want to worry him, he does after all have other worries,)

and how do I explain how I accidentally sold his car?

Christmas 94

What I great Christmas, I bought loads of presents.

I wonder what 95 will bring?

The girl next door

and the lady opposite

1993

The Band:- nirvana

The Song:- Come as you are

The artist :- Whitney Houston

The Song :- I will always love you

THE MEETINGS

Have you ever dated two women at the same time? If the answer is no then I would probably advise against it, same for women,

two men is also one to many, and I should know I fell foul of two very justified women

but if yo have to,

try not to make the same school boy error as I did,

in the summer of nineteen ninety three I met this absolutely stunning girl at Mr smiths night club,

this was a big venue of the eighties and nineties in the north west,

if you are of a certain age, you will well remember hit man and her being filmed from there, anyway, the said night was coming to a close, the last dances were taking place, the boys and girls we’re choosing partners for the night,

plans were being laid, every one josheling for potition, and a few knob eads lookin for a fight,

when I glanced a girl looking in my direction and I had a vague recollection that I'd met her before,

so in my merry state I ventured over to the young lady,

we had met sometime ago, apparently when she use to live in the street where I once worked ,

we struck up an immediate meaningful conversation rite there and then,

which involved lips and tongues, a clinch or two and of course wandering hands by both parties,

this ended with the obligatory exchanging of phone numbers ( landlines of course) and arranged to meet up the next day, if we actually remembered we’d ever met.

I called Gabriella (gabby) the very next day, all excited and very giddy,

she wasn’t in? Bitch,

I’ll try her mobile, (well no! Because there ain’t no fucking mobiles readily available cheaply for the common people yet!)

I thought fuck it, I’ll head down the local, meet the lads for a Sunday afternoon pint and some male bonding and advice,

i needn’t have worried the lads were so sympathetic, cry’s of laughter occurred first, then the piss taking took place,

and some nice words of wisdom like,

why the fuck is a young nubile beauty when completely sober goning to look twice at you in the clear light of day you dickead,

cheers lads the ego is well and truly repaired,

As it goes Monday came and went and nothing, and I've decided I am not doing any chasing!

So on Tuesday night, I’m out at chevies, the local hot spot pub for karaoke,

and I’m there ave in it large when I am approached by this dark haired lady, and there was a touch of mystery about her,

she’s wearing blacks and dark purples, and looks a touch hippy with her wild black hair, topped with beads as a head dress,

but a little gothy with the colours and the most amazing thigh length boots,

good god she looked hot!

Her first words to me were, “are you Dwayne Taylor’s brother”?

Oh here we go someone’s after our kid again

“Yes” do you want his number” I replied dejected ,

looking me in the eyes, a little sheepishly I sensed, she says “god no, I was in his year at high school and remember you as his little brother and always thought you were cute”

right girl you have me from here on in,

I spent that night all over Joanne’s bedroom,

which if you're interested,

was a Terrence house on marshhouse lane,

why I am givin you this information will soon become quite apparent,

The morning after the night before, I bid farewell and promised to get in touch soon and to be honest why the fuck wouldn’t I

COMPLICATIONS

as it happens things took a little diversion in the relationship stakes,

but to be honest in my head the diversion did not seem to be to much of a problem,

you see by Thursday Gabriella had finally called me back, she was full of apologies,

she explains that she lived with her father who took the message,

and he had completely forgot to relay said message,

You see where I’m going yet?

I understood completely,

and yes, I said it would be great to meet up on Saturday evening for pizza,

at the famous Pizzaland (The in food outlet of the day,)

we met outside The eatery at 5pm, no need to pick her up as gabby was dropped off by some bloke,

it turns out it was her dad, she explained he was very protective, and when we were well into our meal, she started to open up, well she talked and talked,

mostly about some woman who lived opposite her,

and it seemed she hated her with a passion,

the story goes this neighbour dated her dad who at 38 was a young dad,

but unfortunately things did not go smoothly as gabby took a disliking to this woman, gabby was around 13 when they dated and did not want her in there life,

and suffice to say she got her wish and they split and papa was broken hearted,

As the evening turned to night we had left the restaurant and were strolling hand in hand, when gabby drags me down an ally and confesses she like to do it, in public places,

now I’m no prude but the chosen place stunk of piss and vomit, and did nothing for my sex drive,

but fortunately being close to where I lived, I convinced her that my bed would be a much better place for are first time together.

and with that, a night of amazing passion on a king size bed and not some strangers vomit, was had,

On Sunday morning the landline was ringing, “who the hell would be phoning on a Sunday” I murmured,

don’t get me wrong I wasn’t asleep, gabby was full of Sunday morning passion, few!

at the age of twenty eight am I to old for this kind of shenanigans, Of course fucking not! I leap off gabby to attend to the phone, because it just would not stop ringing,

Luckily the phone is in the back room which was a god send, as on the other end was jo,

the out come of the call was she was free that evening and did I fancy a drink or a night in,

well yeah, both Of course,

but with which girl?

Fuck it I thought, say your goodbyes to gabby, get your glad rags on and get down to jo’s, pronto,

so the plan begins to form in my head,

but first there's cuddles with gabby, and out for romantic lunch, I walk her home, then it will be back to mine for a quick change and I'll be off to Jo’s,

What can I say, easy,

And it was going so well,

until we arrived at the front door of gabbys, (the street where she lived was very familiar) because with the toss of the head backwards and a glance across the street gabby says flippantly,

see the blue door opposite that’s where the bitch I hate lives, with that my body started to heat up,

my head felt as if it was about to explode,

I kissed gabby passionately and made my goodbyes,

and a promise of a call in the week, and with that, my collar was up and I shuffled crab like down the lane to the corner where I felt I would be safe, now if you are slow on the uptake, and have not worked it out yet, don’t worry your not on yer own , I was actually there and I didn’t have a fucking clue until till it was almost to late,

so yes, gabby lived on marsh-house lane, opposite jo,

and yes,

jo is the bitch that broke gabbys dads heart

and yes,

I’m the knob ead involved with 2two beautiful women who hate each other,

And yes yes yes,

I’m the unlucky bastard who will probably be castrated if ever they found out about each other,

ah but there not gonna find out, because I’ve got a plan,

UNDERCOVER DATING

The third week of undercover dating and I still have cock and bollocks intacked, result there, butI’ve simply had enough,

for one I have not got any free time,

Two I’m alway knackered,

Thirdly it’s costing me a fucking fortune,

Fourth the lads are taking the piss daily,

Fifth I’ve come close to making mistakes,

and last but not least sixth my nerves are shot and I can’t take anymore sneaking around, it'll be only time before something gives,

so the conclusion is to break it off gently with one girl,

and use the back door of the other for the forceable future,

As the older woman at thirty my nievety thought Jo would be better placed in life if I broke of our relationship,( infact she probably wouldn’t give a shit)

So I decided just to have one more date wth gabby first, just to be sure of my choice, before the devastating news was laid at Jo’s door,

I am so sensitive to women’s needs,

The date night arrived,

and all was going so well,

Have you ever had sex in a phone box?

I have, and it is not to be recommended,

but it’ll be a fond memory to look back on, as it was the last time gabby and I got together at very close quarters, and got to grips with each other,

So as we headed back to gabbys house, I was making my exuses, to maybe drop her at the corner of the lane, but she was buying none of it, and was getting somewhat suspicious, so I had to let it go, I then I tried suggesting we go round the back for a last hurrah of the evening, but daddy’s home so no hanky Panky around the back, so fuck it my collar is back up, and I wished at that moment I had a hat and dark glasses to hand,

I turned inwards to gabby and shuffled the last couple hundred feet, I can feel the eyes of gabby upon me, but what I didn’t see coming, was Jo from the other direction, I only realised the situation when I hear the words John Taylor what the fuck are you doing with that slapper,

I swallowed and turned to Jo, and I say "hi jo how's it going, you will never guess, such a funny story to be told, you will laugh your head off"

by now gabby has caught on really quickly,

so I quickly turn to her to try to diffuse the bubbling situation, too fucking late, I did not see it coming, but come it did,

The slap from gabby to the left cheek was so unexpected, and spun me on my heels to face Jo who in turn slapped me a lot harder on the right cheek, spinning me again to face gabby,

oh Christ here we go round the mulberry bush I thought,

but no, not at all, no more slapping time,

Instead there was a six inch super stiletto to the left foot piercing my fuckin new Adidas trainers, I think I broke toes that night!

Could it get any worse?

Yes it could

I felt the kick land at the back of my rite knee, which dropped me like a bag of shite to my knees ruining my also new wranglers not to mention my knees,

in those days I had long blond locks, and I thought oh fuck there going to have my locks,

so I took extreme measures,

I threw both arms over my head and dropped into the featal potition,

hoping to reduce the damage to my beautiful hair,

well I needn’t have worried after many explenitives like twat knob ead

Fuck face, and my own favourite you were shite in bed tiny dick, (well, that did hurt, as I always tried my best,)

jo stormed across the road to her house and I heard her door bang with an almighty crash, think she took that that well in the circumstances,

all the while I’m looking left and right, just hopin gabbys done one,

there’s only silence now, and

this is when I feel it?

a warm sensation running across my head and down my cheeks and looping around my lips,

I couldn’t help but lick, aghh for fucks sake! piss,

I turn my eyes upwards and gabby is straddling my head pissing like and elephant, is it ever gonna stop,

well it does,

but the silence continues, while gabby hops off an walks lady like to her front door,

well I couldn’t resist,

I shouts over to her,

I’ll give you a call you my love,

and with my left hand I did the phone sign,

she turns gives me the most evil of stares,

and I thought shit fuck bollocks,

better get the fuck out of here but she just slowly lifts the right arm turns her hand upward and shows me the finger,

another door slams,

I’m all alone now,

and I’m thinking it’s gonna take more than head and shoulders to sort out my mullet,

and while I’m sat there on the pavement mulling over what just went down,

I realised I should’ve chose Jo for the last date,

because pissing on someone’s head is so childish,

gabby at eighteen just showed her age right there, with that wet statement

suffice to say I never saw these two feisty women again, and still to this day I wonder what I did that was so wrong?

Manchester academy

the burger van

1994

Album. :-Definitely maybe

Song :-married with children Band: -Oasis.

Back in nineteen ninety four we were in the grip of Brit pop, Well to start with what a fucking great era! I’d say my best era of all time, for a lot of the music anyway,

now I could say the swinging sixties were just as good if not better,

And it was for the masses of a certain age, and although I was alive in them good old sixties most of my memories were of shitting and pissing myself and drinking milk from my mummy’s breast ,

so I think I’ll let the sixties go,

so back to the nineties ,

it all started for me with the stone roses that was the back end of the nineteen nineties,

but I'd like to focus on ninety four,

my dress sense had changed somewhat from the heady days of that good old punk era,

I was now sporting baggy jeans, flowery psychedelic shirts, the customary Adidas trainers and a beanie hat to cover my lovely flowing blonde locks,

Yes my friends I had hair once, And it was the dogs bollocks,

I could do anything with it, comb it forward brush it back , side part, centre part ,

Do an Elvis cut using brill cream ,

Yeah i used so many products, and even put highlights in,

dye it black blue, or red or just shave it, hair, it’s an amazing thing, But alas it has all gone now,

forgotten in the mists of the past, buried but not forgotten, bye bye blondie.

Sorry I drifted into hair memories then, maybe I’ll save it for another time,

So It was around the end of May as i recall, I was visiting my older brother on the Isle of Man,

I always popped over at TT, or it could have been the Manx Grand Prix, that’s my best guess for the date, but it was there that it all began for me,

The Sunday morning started as any other ,( I should tell you our Dwayne and his partner had a guest house on the esplanade, ) so it was a busy morning, full of life with bikers everywhere, the dining room full of hairy arsed men eager to shovel down their breakfast and get out on the open road, the smell of a cooked breakfast was wafting up to my room, and I knew right there and then that it was time the day started,

I left my room on the top floor and followed the smells coming out of the kitchen.

I ate a hearty breakfast

cooked by the wonderful Sharon,

(who once should of saved me from falling through a wall

but didn’t bother she just watched, and pissed Herself laughing! thanks Sharon,)

You see I built this wall with my own two hands, it was in a flat where I was living at the time, and the said wall was not made of the best of materials, in fact it was just a big board of plywood screwed to a baton on the ceiling to separate the kitchen diner, suffice to say when I lent on it Chinese in hand, I ended up on my back,

legs and arms flapping in the wind, covered in chicken chow main with a woman standing over me crying like I’ve never seen anyone cry,

crying with tears of laughter, The bitch!

it’s ok though, she held out the obligatory hand to offer help.

Sharon it didn’t fucking help!

Anyway,

with a full belly and time on my hands I put on my ruck sack and went for a five mile hike into the hills of the Isle of Man, really?

like fuck I did, I went down to the pub, Now, being a Sunday in the early nineties the pubs closed at 2pm, so afterwards I picked up a few tinnies and back to our kids, I sat with Dwayne in their private quarters, or as he puts it,

the back room,

and that’s when it happened, that’s when the magic started, The changing of the guard, We sat having a few beers, and he put on a record, an LP, music on a disc if you will, now prior to this , as I was a smoker then, he offered me a smoke,

such a big cigarette I thought when he handed it to me, And I was just as miffed when he wanted it back from me ? Tight arse I thought,

but I passed it back to him , only for him to pass it back to me a few seconds later, Now what the fuck is going on here I thought, but said nothing, this went on for ten minutes, like pass the fucking parcel,

Do you not have any B&H then Dwayne,

again I thought this but said nothing,

now by the time I had finished my ciggie, well, our ciggie, and a couple of beers, I was moulding into the fucking settee like a play dough man,

so comfy so chilled and so so fucking hungry,

The music started, and my ears prick up straight away, the sound that was being thrown from the speakers absolutely blew my mind,

It spoke to me, it said to live forever, be supersonic, have cigarettes and alchahol , (no problem on that one) be a rock n roll star , get married with children, (check, done that one) oh and divorced, amazing, fucking amazing, my head was like a shaker maker, But the song that I actually found caught my ear first, was married with children , and that was it , I was hooked, Oasis had a new meaning now,

not just an area in the desert, or something you stick crap plastic flowers in,

it was music, a band , a future.

We can now jump forward to December,

and let’s get to the heart of this monologue,

it was a cold and winters Friday night and myself and Nigel, a mate who I shared a house with took off on a train from warrington to Manchester, just a short 25 min journey to find our oasis,

Well we found our oasis in a burger van,

now you may ask why would oasis be in a burger van ? ,

well in a way they certainly were for Nige and me,

you see we turned up at Manchester Academy for the end of tour gig of oasis 94, without any tickets, ( just a smile and bit of charm) and as it was sold out, you could say we took a chance,

Well that chance was a pretty fucking poor idea, as we could not get a ticket anywhere,

so we took solace in a burger, at a van just a short walk away from the entrance of the academy,

“Two burgers please mate,” I asked with a face like a slapped arse,” “do ya want ketchup and an oasis ticket with that pal, oh and free passes into the after party, “came the reply? you have got to be fucking joking was all I could think to say And

Nigel at this point was on the floor collapsed and flapping about like a fish out of water, wriggling foaming at the mouth trying to breath, At that moment I thought I may only need to shell out fo one burger ketchup and ticket, but he was soon on his feet, bouncing all over fucking Manchester like tigger, and grinning from ear to ear doing a stupid fucking jig,

suffice to say the burgers were twenty five quid, bargain!and we’re on our way, as we made our way through the main doors you could sense history being made, there were so many fucking clones of the Gallaghers you wouldn’t believe, and I include myself in that, the atmosphere was surprisingly chilled, and I would put that down to the amount of pills that had been dropped prior to kick off,

Now the gig was as good as the clash,

the music was electrifying, Noel did what would become his mandatory acoustic set on his own,

himself a guitar and a chair,

Sweat smoke and beer filled the air, arms and legs swaying to every note,

Jut like heaven, fucking heaven, and we still had the after party to come.

The after party started with a drinkypoos on entry, and then the mingling began, I sauntered over to the DJ booth to ask for some tunes to be played, but I was faced with this guy that I reconized from a couple of hours earlier, a Liam Gallagher lookalike And I said just that “eh mate anyone told you your the spitting image Of fucking Liam” “fuck off an go chew ya face some where else ya knob Ed”came the pleasant reply,

Well I stood tall cool as a cucumber and requested the birdy song only joking, I just dribbled, with my mouth open wide, I nodded, I said fair enough Liam, any chance of an autograph? No? Ok! I then fucked off.

End of a music sensation

The Greek tragedy

featuring

a Welsh nutter

a northern sucker

and

a token fucker

1995

The song:- Drugs don’t work the artist :- the verve

The song:- Common People The artist:- Pulp

The song:- High and Dry

The artist:- Radiohead

Some time ago my older brother by a year and a half started his nurse training in South Wales, where he had the pleasure of meeting an array of welsh nutters,

some of them became good mates, and some of them just drifted away, never to be seen again,

and one of these nut jobs attached herself to me, don't get me wrong I fell in love, of sorts, and the lovely girl came across as a beautiful sane brunette, but Christ was she anything but,

and my story starts with a Welsh reunion in caersws,

I joined our kid on this jolly to meet up with the Welsh crew, that had been some great friends of his, which included an ultra sexy girl called Paula,

She was a trained nurse, and as i said earlier I was about to find out she was also a professional fucking nut job in her spare time,

but they do say you cannot have everything in a woman Can you, two out of three can’t be all that bad, what's a bit of insanity between friends and lovers,

She was dam fucking pretty though , and in a uniform, to boot, what's not to like,

again a bloody shame about her other attributes, like being a potential axe murderer, with psychotic tendency’s, (I bet you can tell I was a little upset at the time,)

To be fare, when we were first introduced by Phil (the first welsh friend and colleague of our kid I got to know, ) she was so sweet, she was polite and beautiful, she was thoughtful, and very very flirty,

Now I don’t know if it was all an act for the purpose of drawing me into a relationships? (Which makes no sense at all as she dumped me and broke my heart) or she acted like that with everyone,

But our first meeting went splendidly,

we drank, we flirted, we smooched, and we went are separate ways,

and all was well with the world,

from that first night and until i arrived back to my home town of warrington we were in contact constantly,

It was like a silly little school boy crush,

and from there on in we talked daily on the telephone, (landline of course, mobiles were a new entity only for the well off and the arse holes that live on credit)

Paula visited me as many times as she possibly could, she seemed to like it in the north,

she really did like it everywhere in the north, she was a little to willing to show me how much whenever the chance arose, and i would like to think it arose a lot,

so the stars were aligned and the chemistry was just right, and soon we had made arrangements for me to meet up at Paula’s home town of Swansea, and with that, I made my way to bank Quay train station to start my very long journey to a far far away country full of sheep and welsh people, for a long weekend, and a history lesson in welsh culture, or if you like a welsh English alliance, or it could be just a shag fest, make of it what you will,

the weekend went splendidly, we talked hypothetically about everything, about children about where we would live, what type of house we would like to live in, kids names, and although the love word was never spoken, things were looking pretty dam good,

And when it was time for me to leave, the two of us just stood embraced on the platform of the station for what seemed like an eternity,

but finally, we had to part and go our separate ways,

so with tears in our eyes we separated and I boarded the train for England, with the promise of a phone call on my arrival back home,

And with that promise kept, our relationship may have taken a different direction than the one it possibly should have gone,

Paula was so full of life and impulsive, she had decided we were to go on holiday

Steady on girl!

She decided we were going abroad, (and who is paying for this little trip then?)

She decided we were going to Greece, (Do I have any say in the enormous decision in our lives?)

She decided We are going in June, (And What about my job?)

And she tells me she’s paid the deposit ( your having a fuckin laugh)

So I did what any strong independent man would do

I folded without any discussions,

I agreed to all the terms and coughed up my life savings on a holiday in the sun to a place i had no disire to go,

But it was with a sex mad beauty, who I think may just love me?

I should have at this point thought with my head and not my penis, maybe then I may have spotted some of the signs of the complete madness, of a welsh nutter, (Sounds like a book eh?)

So Paula arrives at my house on the afternoon of the day before the holiday of a life time with the woman of my dreams,

And straight away we meet up with friends (my friends were now her friends,) for drinks at are local, the barley mow, a tea time session was on the cards, and into the evening and later we all retreated to my house for bit of music, a joint, and more ale,

and as the friends left or passed out, me and Paula moved to the bedroom, drunken sex ensued,

But the next thing, we hear a beeping, and I have to scramble to the window, I see the airport taxi waiting,

so it’s a mad dash to throw some clothes on and jump into the back of the cab,

We now head down to Manchester airport,

And Paula let’s me into a little secret,

and this is done by the opening of her legs exposing an angel of mercy!

Fuck me, no knickers Paula, ( I wondered how she earned that nickname,)

She then adjust herself so she is positioned to pleasure me on are trip of a life time,

and I took off before we even got to the airport,

I exited that taxi full of smiles and in need of a drink,

We could not keep are hands of each other on the flight either,

we were grappling and hugging caressing and kissing, I did feel sorry for the old dear that was sat in the middle seat between us,

Day 1

we arrived in Corfu with a bang, a mile high bang, and were deposited at are allocated hotel just after four pm local time,

we were in the room no more than five minutes before Paula jumped me again and again and again,

I’m seriously getting sore now, And am in need of food, so this was mentioned,

well you would have thought I told her she was a shit shag, and an ugly fat bitch to boot, because she just lost the head, She verbally attacks me like a demonic witch, high on fucking coke,

venom and spittle firing from her lovely formed lips, (quite a turn on actual but probably best not to mention this while she's venting)

she turns quickly dresses and fucks off out of the room without another word, and I'm left sat on the end of the bed scratching my head, thinking who the fuck was that who just left?

Twenty minutes later I’m showered dressed and down in the bar, expecting a night of loneliness, but soon as I entered the bar Paula leapt on me,

legs wrapped around my waist, her arms around the neck, my head and face are attacked with sloppy wet kisses, with here lips drilling me like woody woodpecker on heat,

and as she dismounts she casually asks where have I been, as she had been waiting forever!

Fuck me, so Paula’s back and seems to have no memory of the last hour,

and the demonic witch seems to have fucked off to her coven,

so the evening goes pretty dam good, lots of drink and lovely food, followed by dance and fun,

we arrive carefree back at the hotel for a night cap around one in the morning,

and chat to the gorgeous Adonis of a barman named fucking Adonis, if you can fucking believe it,

the well dressed bastard had shoulder length jet black hair, greasy as fuck in my opinion, deep brown piercing eyes, a chiselled fucking chin with sand paper bristles,

and muscles on top of fucking muscles,

so why the man is wearing a white T shirt that would not fit a twelve year old is beyond me,

anyway the three of us chat away over cocktails, why Paula picked sex on the beach doesn’t bear thinking about,

I say we all chatted,

Paula’s mouth was so far open her chin was resting on the table and dribble started to pool around her bottom lip,

It was time for bed and I suggested this,

and I wish I hadn’t because I did not realise Paula had fucked off again, and the demonic witch had retuned to replace her,

her head spun round like the exorcist! Her eyes burning right through to my bones,

a quick exit was on the cards and I was up to my bed with a blow of a kiss and a see you later my love,

Day two

The next morning when I woke Paula was nowhere to be seen,

but there was a map with a note,

saying gone to do some sun bathing with Adonis,

but bless her, she kindly left instructions of where I was to find them both if I wish,

if I fucking wish! I was fuming, full of fucking heart this one! and of course I went,

and where I found them was definitely a beach,

but no ordinary beach, yes of course it had to be a nudist beach, and there in the distance were the naked bodies of Paula and Adonis, and as I hid in plain sight, I just sat and watched,

my disguise was that of English man abroad, a disguise consisting of beanie hat and shades,

I’m thinkin the oil Adonis is applying to Paula’s naked smooth shiny body would be redundant the places he was trying to put it, but with great success I might add,

And when the Greek fuck had finished oiling up every part of my girls body, he stands and stretches,

now this is where he’ll fail as a man, One thinks, and as he turns to face my direction there is no mistaking the conga of an erection on this man beast ,

and to top it off Paula’s arm stretches upwards towards the beast to take hold,

but from the distance I was at, it looked like she’ll maybe be needing two hands on that baby! even a little help from some friends wouldn’t go a miss,

well enough is enough I’m on my feet fuming, a man can only take so much, I mumble, just loud enough for the sickly couple holding hands and whispering sweet nothing's to each other on the next table to turn there gazes to me, “fuck off” was not said but was thought,

A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do, I turn on my heels and scuttle off on my toes to a local tavern for a beer or two, and a plan to get off of this fucking island,

well my plan did not go so well, the holiday rep gave me the unfortunate news that not only can I not get an earlier flight out, they could not find me another hotel room either,

not without great expense to myself,

so I’ve gotta suck it an see,

I did not see Paula for the rest of that day, I drank and drank shuffled around town like Billy no mates, then back to the hotel room.

My deep sleep was broken with a groaning and a dead wait that seemed to be pressing me down, I slowly opened my eyes to find Paula naked on top of me, thrashing about like a possessed prostitute, well I was not about to complain,

the noises Paula was making were louder than a screaming baby that keeps you awake at night,

but again who am I to complain,

she was thrusting wriggling and thrashing about like her life depended on it,

and when she was done with me she gently kissed my lips, stroked my face, and said, now fuck off loser, and with that she proceeded to push me out of our bed, ( and I thought we were in love)

I smacked hard onto the tiled floor, the back of my head bouncing of it like a ping pong ball,

I slept the remainder of the night on an air bed on the rooms balcony,

Day three

I escaped first light for breakfast alone,

I chose a back street taverna, as I was looking for authentic cuisine from the Greek god of food, I was eating my Greek yogurt, washed down with sausage bacon eggs toast and coffee, assessing weather I should turn up at the ferry port, where Paula and I had pre booked the obligatory booze cruise,

Will she be there?

which one of her fucked up personalities would turn up,

do I care anymore,

with tears in my eyes I decide I don’t,

but I do fancy a bit of fun,

so what better than a boozed up party with loads of young hip people,

i sit outside a bar across from the quiet harbour , with my unique disguise once again well in place,

my eyes on high alert scanning all angles in search of any fucked up welsh nut job approaching, which would decide how my day was going toplay out,

fortunately ten minutes before departure of the booze cruise there was no sign of any of Paula’s personalities approaching, so I decide to make a dash for it and board the cruise, and as I reach the top of the quay and step onto the boat with no going back, I hear the unmistakable dulcet tones of a woman with welsh undertones singing at the top of her voice, and I glance in the direction of the noise that one can only use the words cat and strangled in the same sentence,

yes it was the welsh wonder arms waving and bouncing in the thick of it,

the music pounding off all corners of the boat but still she could be heard and she spotted me, and now I could not get off this hell hole as we had set sail, for fucks sake where’s the bar!

I take solace looking over a half full, or was it half empty beer glass, at all the bikini clad women flirting there way all over the boat,

except in one direction mine,

I think I stank of poor fucked up loser, with a small dick, stay clear was written across my forehead,

and of course they did,

It was like I had a big radiation field around me with signs sayin keep out disaster zone, so there was only one thing for it now that we’d anchored,

a dip in the ocean to get the juices flowing,

so off to the top deck, and I dive in, we'll more of a belly flop, one splash and I'm in, I drift and relax, and go under to take a look at all that natural sea life,

but even the fishes sense something,

and they to fucked off in all directions, so back on board it is then,

I doze in the sun catching a few rays, unfortunately what seemed like minutes later was not, I was woken by a rep on the boat, only to be informed the cruise was over and we’d docked,

it was at this point I felt the pain ! Oh the fucking pain

the back of me head to toe was on fire, burnt was not the word, cremated probably fits better, or maybe toasty, Well done even, Cooked to a crisp I could go on, but whatever,

all I knew I was feeling extremely under the weather, and had to get back to my room,

and that is where I spent the next three days with severe sunstroke,

I lay there covered in natural Greek yogurt stinking like sour milk and vomit,

And I never saw Paula again (thank god) till the day of departure,

I had just about recovered although I did look like a two tone lobster,

we arrived at the airport with no conversation, that is until we were on the flight,

then Paula turned into flirty Paula, full of chat and cuddles,

I of course play along for an easy life, and all was well again with the world,

we landed and taxied back to mine, where Paula was stayin with me untill she was to catch a train back to Swansea the next day,

right this is it I thought, I hold all the cards and can now finally get my own back,

I can leave her on the door step with the words fuck off loser,

I know she’s skint, so she better get hitch hiking,

but before I can say anything she looks at me with her big blue eyes, her turned down lips,

and a squeeze of my hand, she asks to borrow £200, fuck me the cheek of this woman,

I hand it over without a word,

She fucks off in the waiting taxi,

I never seen the money or her again, her phone number has been disconnected,

And to this day I have no fucking idea what went wrong.

Four females

Twelve hours

How to climb the

ladder to obscurity

1995

Song:- Charmless Man

Artist:- blur

Song:- Girl From Mars

Artist:- Ash

Song:- Caught By the Fuzz

Artist:- Supergrass

10/07/1995

after the debacle of my Greek tragedy earlier in the year, I had to get straight back out there on the social circuit to build up my confidence and so I did,

The summer heat of nineteen ninety five had attacked the uk population with a vengeance,

and with the lack of rain fall and temperatures of over eighty degrees Had me already sweatin my tits off before I’d got to the end of my road,

It was Friday the tenth of July and I was off to meet my brother in law Geoff, at a house we had bought earlier that year, (yes this was another in a long line of money making schemes) we were in the throes of renovating the building in the hope of renting the four bedrooms it has, and consequently making us so rich we could retire to Mote Carlo and live a life full of fast cars and fast women,

well I could at least, Geoff on the other hand had far to many commitments,

but why we would think this could possibly fucking work is anyone's guess,

Because we ain’t no fucking business men that’s for sure,

and none of my business ideas over the years have ever come off, and they only ever gave me anything but a big fucking headache and very empty pockets indeed,

money making scheme number one

Song:- Killer Queen

Artist: Queen

It all began probably in nineteen seventy five, when at the age of ten I would sell all sorts of shite over the wall of our front garden,

I would perch myself on the wall and pester the shit out of any unfortunate creature who may have been passing,

and there would be many a fucking gullible idiot who would fall for the deep blue eyes of the skinny orphaned looking urchin who was obviously undernourished and in need of a good meal (amazing what you can achieve with your mam’s make up box)

old toys, flowers, and cakes which were made by my mother, and any house old items we could get our hands on, all were sold for pennies to line the pocket of the entrepreneur boy destined for the top with riches beyond his wildest dreams,

unfortunately the well oiled enterprise soon collapsed when a home made perfume made by yours truly caused an outbreak of melting skin, now how’s a ten year old boy supposed to know that bleach is not a good base for a fragrant perfume, I was just thankful I did not add it to the homemade lemonade I was distributing,

Friday

10/07/1995

THE PORCHE

I arrived at our new project early,

eager to get a head start on the job as I needed to be somewhere else after lunch,

which hopefully involved lots of essential oils, and hopefully being naked with another like minded human,

female of course, and the name of this female would be Jaqueline,

Jacqueline was a stunning young woman of around twenty three, who I had met at a pub on the outskirts of Leigh, where I recently visited an ex who was the manager at the time, Jacqueline was one of the bar staff that served me my drink, and quite matter of factly asked me out as she passed me the drink, (a confidant girl one thinks)

the story goes while I was waiting to be served she passed comment to my ex how she fancied the young blonde chap at the end of the bar, and my ex explained who I was, sung my praises and the rest was history,

within two hours Jacqueline had finished her shift and we were both in her Porsche heading to my house in Warrington, (a posh girl wanting a bit of ruff I suspected, and I was all too willing to oblige) but before we got to my house, she pulled over into a lay-by on a dark country lane, where she had her wicked way with me, ( the filthy little swine)

we ripped each other’s clothes off, and made frantic love there and then, first in the Porsche and a second time outside on the bonnet,

not long after this adventure I was back home contemplating what Friday would bring as we had arranged a repeat performance but in the comfort of my bed with added extras,

Money making scheme

No 2

Song :- jilted John

Artist:- jilted John

In 1978 i had just turned thirteen and was on the periphery of dabbling in the opposite sex,

Overnight, girls started to become very interesting to me, and my brain could not understand this,

their conversation held me in a trance,

and I felt all warm and fuzzy inside whenever girls were around me,

come to think about it,

around the same time I seemed to be sourcing out the girls just to hang around their space, especially the really pretty girls that caught my eye,

and there was one in particular at that time, that girl was Donna Blackmore, she was a prime example of a schoolboy crush,

that was what it was known as back in the day,

technically she would be my first proper girlfriend but we drifted apart after just one week because of the fucking distance I had to travel across town on my bike every evening after tea,

and for what, just to stare at her from a distance, and the odd wave while she played with her mates,

But then there was that one steamy night, when Donna, yes my Donna came over into my space, and she bloody touched my hand, and it was so soft and gentle, and it stirred things in me that had never been stirred before, well not on such a massive scale as this ,

and then her lips brushed my lips so gently for the first and the very last kiss of this new relationship,

now it was not supposed to happen this way, we both knew the rules, my head just cannot comprehend this change in the laws of teenage relationships,

I start to dribble, while she smile’s and giggle’s, her mates also giggle, and they all skip away leaving me to explode in my pants, i then calmly ride away into the sunset with wet stained jeans, on a dodgy home made bike, I had recently constructed,

I was in a trance and have no recollection of how I got home that evening, but it was then that the idea came to me,

why don’t I repair old bikes to their former glory and sell them on, for a healthy profit,

and that’s exactly what I did, I gave up on girls for the time being, and put all my efforts into my repair shop, unfortunately the business failed after just one sale.

Now it wasn’t my fault Charlie, the new owner of the first Johnny bike decided to do a wheelie on its first outing,

ok, ok, the chain snapping and the front wheel dropping off mid wheelie may have been to do with some operational problems I was having, leading to some short cuts in productivity, due to the lack of right size screws and cogs,

so in essence putting the wrong screws and spare parts on a different make of bike, maybe just maybe added up to the lack of a front wheel, which brought poor Charlie to a sudden stop as he dropped the wheelie to the tarmac, which of course caused poor old Charlie to fly through the air like a dysfunctional angel, arms and legs flying everywhere,

and he hit a garden wall that lay directly in front of him, with his forehead leading the way

the hole it caused was a pretty fucking big one I can tell you, but not as big as the one in Charlie’s head, the blood covered much of the pavement,

I actually didn’t realise the human body could hold so much blood, on the plus side the cars behind Charlie seemed to have expert drivers, and good breaks, so a pile up was averted thus saving Charlie from being crushed to death,

Friday

10/07/95

09.00 -12.00hrs

UNREQUITED LOVE

The first I new she was there it was too late, she had me by the balls and was tugging away,

I was in mid throes of coming down onto the concrete floor with the sledgehammer i was using to demolish the floor of the lounge, in the new property we had purchased,

and the said hammer instead dropped from my hands straight onto me left foot, causing me a great deal of pain,

however this did not stop Paula, she was now all over me and ignoring the screams coming from my mouth,

I should explain that Paula was a good friend, then became my girlfriend, then Just a great friend again, but with some very nice benefits added on,

but she can turn up at places and times you just don’t expect, and right now this just happens to be just one of those times,

unfortunately I have plans at twelve o’clock, and don’t think I have got the time to entertain Paula,

Paula on the other hand never takes no for an answer,

in fact she does not take rejection at all well,

so with a glance of the watch noticing it was eight forty five, I calculate that we could slip off to my house for a friendly but passionate romp,

and I then could make my excuses and have Paula out of the back door, before Jacqueline arrives with her oils at the front. The plan was running so smoothly, the passion between Paula and i excelled in the bedroom,

and since I had my excuse of having to get back to work before twelve o’clock, we wrapped it up by 11am (two hours is quite enough for a morning quickie thank you very much) unfortunately the trouble started when I tried to exit the bed, Paula wanted to talk, and you know when a woman wants to talk you don’t get a time scale, and if you look at the fucking clock you know there going nowhere until you listen and agree on all aspects of the one sided conversation,

So I listened and I tried to take an interest ,

I looked into her eyes, like a puppy dog with a terminal illness, I nodded hopefully in the right places, and I took care to hold her hand gently, unfortunately with my mind racing behind the eyes, and since my thoughts were on other things I did not take anything in,

so I agreed to pretty much anything she had to say

and the upshot of the one sided conversation was we were now dating again,

yes we were going to give it another fucking try,

It was then I Chanced a sneaky glance at the clock, It had gone eleven thirty, and Paula hadn’t fucking moved yet, and I wasn't sure she was going to move ever again! ( hope I didn't agree to her moving in with me there and then) so i had to think on my feet, well on my back, as I hadn't actually moved from the bed yet, am idea finally came to me, as a last ditch move I invited her out for dinner and a sleep over at mine tonight, but I hinted that I had to get a move on, and get back to the job,

and with great relief she ventured to surface from the bed, unfortunately she took her smooth Shimmering naked body straight to the bathroom and locked the fucking door, my heart dropped,

Christ I hope she’s not having a shit was my first thought,

that was until I heard the shower fire up, my next thought was, for fuck sake I’m well and truly fucked! then i had a genius back of the net idea,

I ran down stairs flew under the sink and located the stopcock, and I turned off the water,

I could hear Paula dancing about on the bathroom floor before the door flew open and then slammed shut,

and then I was up them stairs like a jack rabbit, getting my complaint in first about the water going off,before she could say anything,

and luckily she hadn’t started washing her hair either, which was a fucking god send because she would have taken a decade to dry that mop, but now a dry dressed Paula was standing at the back door waiting for the obligatory goodbye kiss, which she duly got, other wise she would not have fucking moved an inch,

so with that she was gone and it was only just twelve,

Money making scheme

Number 3

Artist:- Depeche mode

Song :- just can’t get enough

After my plunge into the seedy world of window cleaning, with a northern sex addict from Leigh at the helm, I took a hiatus with friends to go on a fishing trip along the river Severn in Wales,

the trip would coincide with the royal wedding of that year, it was nineteen eighty one, and it was fucking hot,

and while lying there beside the quiet babbling tones of the river, I had an

epiphany,

I came up with a plan to set up my own window cleaning business,

and to achieve this goal I would let’s just say have to convince, or maybe manipulate several of Billy’s clients, (what possibly could go wrong,)

Well as it happens, getting the female clients on board with a new window cleaner wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, and that made me happy, as blackmail did not sit well with me,

and of course the husband’s of the women in question were likely to get somewhat aggrieved about there extra marital affairs with the local window cleaner and take it out on the messenger, but luckily none of this was necessary, as every one of the seven ladies I’d focused on were more interested in trading in a thirty plus year old window cleaner for a younger model,

and I fitted that bill perfectly, and it was not for the cleaning of windows that I was wanted, now you can be assured that my window cleaning skills were never in doubt, it was just the more mature ladies of the home were more interested in my bedroom skills, and be in no doubt I was still an amateur in that respect but was always willing to learn,

and this is what put me in favour with the seven women, and with them championing my skills to friends family and neighbours (the window cleaning skills) it would be only a matter of time till I make my fortune, unfortunately within three months into the new business I neglected the windows in favour of a more recreational sport that paid fuck all, and was very dangerous to your health,

so after that one to many mornings fleeing for my life after falling from a garage into a bush of jinny nettles I came to the conclusion, I stank at window cleaning,

and one day I may well get caught climbing through windows instead of cleaning them,

so another fail,

but I did get some contacts for painting jobs, and another idea started to form as I ran through a back street in just my boxers and trainers, and trousers flapping in the wind as I try to get them on while still on the go.

Friday🙄

10/07/95

12.15 - 16.00hrs

Skin of the teeth

Air freshener filled the air with the smell of wild berries, and me, and I was smelling of sweat and stale perfume, Clinique Happy if I am not mistaken, but happy is not what I’m feeling when the sound of a doorbell ringing echoed around the house,

and this sends me into a panic,

the fear and anxiety had my arse hole squeaking , “fuck fuck fuck” I’m whispering to myself, as I quickly straighten the bed and headed to the bathroom to fire up the shower, (it's ok I did turn the water back on) I jump in and out in a flash and threw a towel around my waist,

i paused at the top of the stairs and took in a deep breath, I get into character and amble downstairs, I casually ask through the door who it might be, and the voice on the other side replies Jacqueline, I let out a breath and open up the door and feign surprise,

Jacqueline herself looked a little surprised at my attire, maybe thinking I was somewhat over confident on the outcome of the afternoon,

but straight away I put her mind at rest, I explained that I was grafting all morning and time got the better of me, so I had just jumped into the shower when the doorbell rang, I think I got away with the story,

Jacqueline made herself at home in the back room while I made myself presentable, which consisted of an all over body wash in less than a minute, aramis sprayed all over, I threw on a paisley shirt and jeans, then a quick look in the mirror and a wink to myself on the way down,

all within six minutes,

Waist of fucking time because before I could sit down next to Jacqueline and offer hors d'oeuvres, she was straight on me, she was like a leopard on a kill, all teeth and claws, oh i did love that paisley shirt, but sacrifices have to be made,

we were in the bedroom naked within ten minutes and within twenty minutes my body was lacerated to within an inch of its life, and when we both came up for air Jacqueline asked what my girlfriends name was,

my arse fell out of my pants I can tell you,

she had caught me well and truly off guard,

and as I fumbled for words to find the right lie, Jacqueline put fingers to lips, she fucking shushed me, and preceded to enlightenment me on all of my mistakes that morning,

apparently my first mistake was to use a little white lie about working, she had called there first and found nobody around, so why lie about the reason to shower, who is this fucking girl poirot! my next failure was the bed, it stank of cheap perfume, and it was fresh,

as was the smell of female flesh apparently,

really who the fuck is this girl she’s like a fucking sniffer dog detective,

the last failure was the smell of wild berries, I had to butt in at this point, with my hands held out and with a hint of a manly roar I said “now hold on young lady what the fuck has wild berries got to do with anything”

she suggested that wild berries would not be a fragrance associated with men, especially when mixed with “Clinique Happy, no fucking way” I shouted “what are you a “ and before I could finish my sentence there were fingers on lips again, I just gave up dropped me shoulders in surrender and stopped talking,

I just stared at her while she explained how she came to the conclusion that I had a girlfriend,

and the explanation was so simple,

when I left Paula at the back door, she’d smelt a rat at being pushed out so she had just walked to the front and waited at a distance for just a short time, and on the arrival of a Porsche, the likes of which was never seen in the area I lived,

and a conversation was struck up between Jacqueline and Paula of which I i did not come out of favourably,

then Jacqueline grabbed my face in her hands pulled me to her and kissed me passionately, she bit my bottom lip so sexily, drawing blood, then slapped me hard across the left cheek, I tried to reassure her I had no ties with Paula or anyone else as it goes, but she’d gone, she just left without another word, I never saw that Porsche again, however Paula was a different kettle of fish.

Money making scheme

Number 4

1982

Artist:- madness

Song :- house of fun

As a new year got underway and yet another failed business adventure (it seems window cleaning was not for me,) I decided to try my hand at artexting,

This was a new way that people were decorating their houses back in the eighties,

it seems wallpaper has had its day,

and as I was doing a painting and decorating course and had some contacts left from the window cleaning debacle I figured how hard could this artexting lark be,

I mean all you have got to do is slap some white plaster on walls and ceilings, then make some patterns in it,

stippling I think the proper term is,

well it was a disaster from the start,

first there was the dog incident,

now I cannot really be held responsible for a little fucking yapperty yap yapping dog climbing into the mix,

and as I said to Maureen (the dog owner) shortly after the incident that little dinky (the doggy) would make a great ornament, because he set so beautifully just like a little plaster of Paris statue, Maureen was not well pleased I can tell you,

but once I had convinced her I was only joking, and washed little dinky down, I was just about able to escape the house with both ball’s and cock intact, and of course payment was not forth coming,

and I suppose I have to hold my hands up to the family who sat down for dinner, only to be covered in wet artex dropping from their ceiling, which did not dry properly, and of course it ruined their Sunday roast,

not to mention their appearances,

Julie who hired me on the advice of her neighbour, (who was a special client from the window cleaning fiasco) was not at all pleased that her two young daughters were now sporting shaved moon heads due to my apparent incompetence as a professional artexer, I tried to explain to Julie that I never professed to be an expert in such matters, but I insisted was cheap, which she was pleased with, I definitely should not have been standing so close to her while claiming no responsibilities in-fact I should have spoke to Julie on the phone thus saving a trip to A&E to get my testicles removed from my throat, she had an awesome left footed kick on her.

Friday 10/07/1995

16.00 - 20.00hrs

I sat for a few minutes in silence my head was spinning with the last twenty minutes of me my life being so confusing,

I know I don’t have a girlfriend although there is a girl who believes She’s my girlfriend,

and I know I had the potential of a girlfriend which has now been lost to me with an act of espionage by the not real girlfriend, and an act of violence by the potential girlfriend, leaving me with no girlfriend real or otherwise,

well I’m so fucking confused I can tell you m, so much so that I just had to get out of the house, retreat to a safe place to be alone with my thoughts for awhile,

and the best place for this was just a couple of hundred yards away, my local pub (the Howley) this fitted the bill just fine, so at four thirty pm I’m on my second pint, just sitting there minding my own business in the back lounge, which is empty at the moment but come six pm it will liven up with the Friday evening revellers getting out early,

and as my thoughts drift to relationships, I there and then decided to become celibate,

no more women, no more short term relationships, no more long term relationships , in-fact no more women in my life at all, I’ll take it day by day but I’m determined,

and on that decision I smile to meself and decide on a another pint,

Standing at the bar with a new found sense of freedom, I receive my third pint, and turn to return to my table, and with that turn to my right my perception on life changed once again,

because standing right in front of me was a beautiful girl, and instantly I realised I recognised this girl from way back,

she was a girl named Alison and she was once one of two stalkers I had had over the same period in time five years ago,

she instantly recognised me too and seemed quite friendly considering what we went through,

and of course I was taken aback because she had changed quite considerably, for one thing

she had filled out in all the right places and she’d turned from a girl to a woman, I was smitten, and right of the bat and I invited her to join me for a catch up, and to my surprise, she excepted the offer, even after all that we had been through,

but there you have it, the conversation was irresistibly engaging so much so we took it back to my place,

in-fact to be more precise we took it to the bedroom where we engaged in a more physical approach then a verbal,

after a hot sweaty and very physical sex session Alison made her excuses and left, I was gob smacked! what a very different person Alison was to the the young lady who was so needy and very much a nut job stalker,

Money making scheme

Number 5

This was a very ambitious business idea, and never really got off the starting blocks in fact it was just an idea we had that we thought might make us a few quid,

a new piece of technology was sweeping the world at the beginning of the eighties and in nineteen eighty three we thought we could corner the market in it,

it was of course the video recorder, and the idea very few people had cottoned onto in the north west was tape rentals, it was so fucking easy and obvious it was mental,

and with our corner shop going up for rent at the same time it just had to be fate,

but fate dealt us a cruel hand that day because the shop was mysteriously taken off the market and a couple of wide boy brothers who had a record shop spotted the market too and quickly switched from selling records to movie rentals, fucking millionaires last I heard, twats.

Friday 10/07/1995

20.00hrs

It was only seven thirty pm, and it was a warm Friday evening and already I was goosed, I was sat up in bed contemplating going back to the pub, as it was the start of the weekend after all,

but a banging a the front door change my evening completely, and i was pretty sure who it would be,

because there’s only one person that I knew who never bothered with the door bell, and that person would be Jane from next door,

And hey fucking presto there was Jane on the door step,

and just like Jane no invitation was necessary, she just bye passed me and headed to the bedroom dragging me and a bottle of white lightening behind her,

now Jane was a free spirit and we have had an understanding for sometime that if one of us was feeling a bit lonely or at a loose end we would hook up for a spot of neighbourly love, so how could I refuse, even though I was somewhat flagging, nevertheless I soon perked up from the way Jane was handling me,

that was until the bedroom door slowly opened,

and this was easily witnessed by me and Jane due to the potion we were in at that moment, which was Jane on all fours facing the door and me behind, if you get my drift, and we both were left speechless, because what we saw was a naked Paula stood there in the hall, she never spoke in words but she certainly let the two of us know what her intentions were when she joined us in bed.

Who left first I have no idea but I think I slept for the rest of that hot July weekend.

Money making scheme

Number 6

In late nineteen eighty four I had no choice but to chanced my arm at market trading, another fiasco, a disastrous calamity.

a story for another time.

Dangerous Ali,

1996

Song:- girl from mars

Band:-Ash

Song:- A design for life

Band:- manic street preachers

February 13th, 1996

I’m hanging upside down against a cliff wall at least fifty feet up, with my leg caught in a safety rope that is supposed to be safe, hence the fucking name safety rope,

and as the blood rushes to my head and my life rushes by, like a runaway freight train coming to the end of the tracks, I close my eyes and wonder what I did and how it was that I ended up in this situation on my thirty first birthday.

Five weeks earlier

January 8th, 1996

Monday morning

The only time that I have needed to enter a job centre in my life I was solicited almost immediately by a five foot nothing blonde lady, she was absolutely gorgeous, she had long wavy Farrah Fawcett Majors style locks, a big teeth smile, sea blue come to bed eyes, and a very very shapely body, now I only describe her this way because I was admiring her from a distance while I waited for an audience with a member of staff, (which by the way was harder than getting tickets to a dead Elvis Presley gig) that was when I noticed her approaching me it was in slow motion, ok the slow motion bit was in my head as was the way her clothes fell from her body with every step but you’ve got to have your fantasy’s

she stopped and looked up into my eyes and introduced herself, “hi my name is Alison and I work for blah blah blah”

Jesus she lost me at Alice or was it Alex? or maybe Alison?

fuck me the monotone of her fucking voice sent me into the land of nod from the off,

and I knew right off the bat she was gonna be so fucking boring and miserable that my first thought was, I wonder if sex would help spice up her conversational skills,

So I figured I’d make it my mission to help this young lady achieve this most needed skill, and in doing so, my achievement would be to bring out a personality that must be living dormant there within her,

but first I had to really focus and see what the lady wanted,

it turns out Alison, (which is defo her name) worked for the prince’s trust and was recruiting subjects for a three months personal development programme which required working with the fire service, Who in turn help the recruits in many basic subjects for instance, living off the land in the wilderness, orienteering, fund raising for good causes, organising functions , (you get the idea,) well this sounded right up my street as I was out of work for the first time since my window cleaning Shenanigans at the age of fifteen, the only downside was the recruits had to be aged from sixteen to twenty five, and also come from a more delicate background, the program would also be peppered with recruits from a good professional background,

which I was neither,

with no job at present, and at the age of thirty I did not make the criteria, So I did what any upstanding pillar of society would do, I lied my fucking head off, i reinvented myself as a twenty four year old nurse working at the local hospital on secondment from Neath in Wales, oh and my name was now Dwayne,

I figured this would work because my brother Dwayne, trained as a nurse in wales, and really who was going to check,

so after the initial informal interview with Alison, and with some light persuasion we retired to the pub for some refreshments and a get to know each other session, which was so fucking hard as she was still boring as fuck, with little to no personality,

so the only option left was to go in for the snog,

now this could result in a kick in the bollocks or a day to remember,

well the bollocks stayed in place, but Alison did not because to my surprise we retired to mine and a night of passion ensued, but I’m afraid this did not improve the situation,

Alisons bed patter was just as grim in the morning as it was when we entered the bedroom,

but the noises she made and the positions she had me in,

far outweighed those negatives,

she left that morning with a wave a smile and a promise of tomorrow, and I sat there on my front door step with my head shaking in my hands and tears in me eyes while chanting quietly to myself, I’ve Gone and fucking done it again,

January 12th 1996

Friday , four days later

the phone call I was waiting for about my inclusion on the princes trust placement scheme came at nine am, and it was a clear fucking no, and this was due to, firstly, me not being my brother, and second me being slightly over the age of twenty five,

third, me not training in Neath,

fourth, me actually not being in the fucking nursing profession,

And lastly, me not being on the breadline, (petty points to pick up on one thinks)

So Ali had only gone and blocked me,

and I thought we had parted on great terms as well,

but with hindsight maybe I should’ve turned up for the date we’d arranged, or took one of the two dozen or so phone calls she had made to me, and I of course ignored, (to be fair I have been stalked in the past which is another story to be told later, and although not the expert, experience has taught me to be very wary)

apparently though Ali was not to blame, the powers that be always do background checks as people may not be as honest as they should be,

which left me little hope of undertaking this new challenge in my life, or so I thought,

January 15th,1996

Monday 7 days later

I received a phone call from the chief fire officer of my local station, ( who was one of the group running the trusts placements) he asked me to attend a meeting with himself at three pm that afternoon, and of course I did, I flew down to the local fire station with three hours to spare, I fear I was maybe a little to keen,

and would you fucking believe it, I was only offered a job, although I fear Alison was not quite as enthusiastic as I was when receiving the news,

she was sat on the panel that passed this crazy idea,

and her tears, and the walking out, followed with the obligatory slamming of the door kind of gave me a clue to her true feelings of my surprising appointment ,

February 13th 1996

Now what do you do when you're in need of some rational help from someone in hysterics, someone who is screaming verbal abuse at you, with tears rolling down their face, whilst you are on a knife edge, hanging gingerly by your left ankle from a rope being held by the same screaming hysterical demon,

Is a quite simple really,

you tell them you love them, and you always have,

but you have issues, and always found it so hard to show your true feelings and emotions,

now this may be a pathetic and thoughtless way to go, but In my defence it worked a bloody treat,

I was pulled up that fucking mountain quicker than you could blink, (but my ankle did take the full force of that yank of the rope,)

and quick as a flash I was in the arms of a truly deranged Alison, who was smiling like a demonic clown, throwing kisses all over my face, well I had e respond, didn't I? it would be cruel not to, it was like my defence mechanism,

and the best defence is full on sex on the snow laden cliff top, and Alison responded shall we say some what enthusiastically,

Monday 15/01/1996

After the interview

I felt it was my responsibility to go after Alison as she stormed out of the meeting, you see I felt some responsibility as I may have contributed to the mood she was displaying,

Because by then I was made aware by the chief fire officer that I was the last resort for the job of team leader to one of the groups,

this was after a crucial member of staff had up and left that mornin, leaving no time to advertise as the three month placement started that coming weekend,

and as I’d shown so much enthusiasm by begging to be given a second chance, I was to become a team leader alongside Alison as my boss, oh how wonderful what a double act we are going to be.

Now the problem with this revelation was, it seems it was Alison’s fiancé who had walked out of the job and out of her life, having found out about her infidelity’s with me,

calling off their wedding in the process, and taking their life savings, oh and putting their house up for sale, talk about a kick in the teeth for a quick shag with a jack the lad, so like I say what a hoot the next three months are gonna be,

I caught up with Alison as she was entering the lord Rodney pub, but the look on her face suggested to me she was in no mood to talk, but I felt it was my duty to at least try,

we stood side by side at the bar facing forward matching each other with every drink, never at anytime was there eye contact, but I had to admit she had a healthy appetite for vodka, no words were exchanged until she turned to me and I turned to her and she looked me straight in the eye, well ok she had to look upwards admittedly

but those bloodshot black eyes burnt right through to my soul, and her words although slurred shook me to the core, when she said “beware the lakes and hills of the Lake District, many an accident can happen to vulnerable boys when out of their comfort zone”

she followed this chilling statement with an almighty belch and a squeaky fart,

and a little vomit dribble down her chin,

and that’s when I couldn’t take her last statement seriously and let out a rip roaring laugh, which I fear I should not have done, as I received yet another bloody nose from another very angry girl,

now I take no pleasure out of this but my knee jerk reaction was to throw my drink in the direction from where the fist came, which in turn ended up with Alison’s head dripping with lager and tears, and this mixed with the mascara dripping down her cheeks and her wet hair sticking to her face, she looked more like a patchwork scarecrow after a messy night out,

and I myself with blood pouring down my chin onto my shirt didn’t look much better,

we both went to prospective toilets, to clean up,

and we did not speak till the day the development programme started,

February 13th 1996

Back on the mountain

Alison was so passionate from the off, she had me naked on my back in the snow, and took the lead as she straddled me,

so I lay there content thinking of what was to come, and to think just minutes before I was dangling upside down off that cliffside (admittedly we were really only about ten feet up and I was never in danger of serious damage)

but my pleasure lasted only moments as she leapt off me and took off like a cheetah fired from a cannon with my clothes in hand,

I was in shock! I lay there wondering what the hell had just happened and also with the realisation that I was completely naked,

and I now had the added complication of getting back to the lodge where we were staying, without being seen of course,

but more importantly without me cock and bollocks dropping off from frost bite

January 20th 1996

Saturday

The first day of the program and we started with a team building exercise, the groups were all togged up in there outward bound type gear and driven out to Delamere forest,

a dense area of the country side to play fucking games in the pissing rain, I was to head the yellow team,

while Alison headed the red team,

now these teams were picked by the lovely Alison herself, and I don’t want to sound unfucking unappreciative, but I suggest that this woman was either out to win this exercise or maybe out to humiliate and degrade me,

you see her team was made up of the working middle class white collar shirt type individuals,

whilst my mob was just that, these were the guys that were recruited from the job centre and doors and allyways of the town, some had had drug or alcohol issuses for a long time, even though some had not yet hit 18, but you know what I wouldn’t have change the groups for the world,

because you wouldn’t find a better bunch anywhere,

Our first task of the day was simply to get from a point A to a point B using a map and a compass,

this my friend is called orienteering or in our case, getting fucking lost in a jungle full of creeping things, also, apparently their would be little tasks throughout our journey just to keep us on are toes,

but these kinda obstacles would not get our group of Mavericks worried, they’ve had so many different kinds of obstacles to climb over in their short lives,

so we just set off without a care in the world,

with me there charismatic leader, whose only ever had to navigated himself to the pub,

but we all agreed what the fuck could go wrong,

it was Paul who first brought to our attention that maybe it would be a good idea to have a look at the map to make sure we were going in the right direction, since it was the Antichrist Alison who pointed us in this direction and she was actually on the opposing team, and may not be playing as fair as she should,

now for a seventeen year old homeless ex heroine addict I thought this showed excellent qualities, so I made him my second in command,

the map turned out to be a bus route and the compass was less than useless as the hands that I think are suppose to help with direction we’re missing, now this could just be faulty equipment or some one was out to harm us with a little bit of sabotage? but who the hell would do that!

February 13th 1996

You will be happy to know that my cock and bollocks did not drop off that day and are still in place which would hold me in good stead throughout my life, and especially through this nightmare outward bound week, although to be fair the bollocks are now hanging like a chickens neck right down to my knees, though this is purely due to age and fuck all to do with a frostbiten cock and bollocks,

I ducked and dived for five minutes through the hands of the Delamere, and as the sun went down it was replaced by a lovely shiny moon lightening up the forest just as I get to the lodge in my birthday suit, and

due to the extreme cold I did not feel all the cuts and grazes the forest gave me, and I also could not feel my fingers or toes,

and as for my tackle you would be lucky to catch a glimpse of it in all it’s glory, as it had hibernated for the winter, leaving me with the smooth bush look

And that’s the look which all of the twenty five plus student and tutors saw as I threw open the lodge door hoping to sneak to my room unsighted,

but Ali of course had other ideas, of course she bloody did.

Saturday

January 20th,1996

Back at delamere forest

Jenny was the first to slide head first into the murky river after a trip wire sent her down the muddy bank, while Paul and Richie were setting up a rope pully system across the river from a tree on opposite sides of the bank (this of course was supposed to stop us getting wet by going over the water, instead of through it)

Richie was in a small canoe left we presumed by the organisers to cross the river with one end of the rope, he sank far to quickly, so he too found himself wet, (an unsighted hole seemed to have developed in the canoes bottom)

Paul also went into the drink head first when he lost his balance while laughing his tits off at Jenny,

once the pully was in place, by the now very wet and cold Richie, myself and billy were the first to attempt to go over the river sliding slowly along the rope,

our journey was cut short and we ended up joining them all in the river as the supposedly sturdy rope and equipment left at the rendezvous by Alison snapped, far too easily in the groups eyes,

Sabatage was once again at the front of my mind and the whole group were very wet and very cold and very fucking hungry,

the day was coming to a close and we had no fucking idea where we were,

fortunately the organisers are not fucking idiots and would not want to kill off half of their recruits on the first day, no no these wise men had professionals put in place to assist if any mishaps may occur,

well fucking sabotage is one big fucking mishap wouldn’t you say,

February 13

I entered the lodge and

tippy toed through the hallway, to the door that leads to a big communal area where all recruits and trainers gather for team building evenings, meals and entertainment, now I had to cross this large space to get to the corridor where all the dormitory’s were situated, I hesitated, I put my ear to the deviding door, not a fucking sound, the place was in darkness, fucking result I thought and I gave a little punch to the air,

I swing open the door ready to bolt across the floor to safety and most importantly clothing, but my first step inside the room set in motion a chain of events that left me scarred for life, well for at least five minutes, you see when I entered that room, the lights to the whole fucking building seemed to light up like a fucking Christmas tree! Poppers popped, balloons fell from the ceiling, cheers and singing began , happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday to...... the whole place erupted with laughter,

the men were rolling around the floor unable to breath with the hysteria, the women were in tears and looked in shock, everyone of them seemed to be pointing to one area of my well chiselled body, as though something was a miss,

well I assured them that it’s bloody cold out there and found myself quickly trying to explain why the penis likes to hibernate in the cold,

then a glance to my left spotted Dangerous Ali, a big fucking grin on her face from ear to ear,

she was leaning against the wall with her finger on the light switch,

she whispered through a smile and gritted teeth, happy birthday baby, she winked at my man hood and brushed against my naked body, her fingers to her left hand lingered against my thigh just out of sight of the audience as she walked away with a swagger, I was so turned on by her sultry look and touch,

and that’s when I realised what she was winking at, I had gotten a little harder than one should with an audience watching on,

as the laughter turned to wails I gave my appreciation with a wave and I followed Ali with a swagger to my dormitory.

Saturday

January 20th 1996

We were rescued by the experts who had sent us on this fucking disaster trip, and as you can guess we didn’t get from point A to point B,

we left point A like any experienced orienteer’s,

but our problems started after taking our first few steps forward,

we were lost and as none of the group new north from south or east from west, we decided we’d need help from a map and compass,

but as you are well aware they were fucking useless due to some spiteful team cunt of a captain sabotaging are equipment,

when we arrived at the river crossing, we were less than an hour into our challenge, and were soon all fucking dripping wet, well the experts thought it would be a great laugh to watch us knob eads flap about the forest for awhile like fucking headless chickens,

apparently it would be good for morale and team spirit, fuck off! It was for their fucking pleasure or they would not have left us out there for several hours going half demented eating bark off the trees,

at one point I’m sure I remember Paul having ago at chewin on Richie’s leg,

We had our debrief at the local watering hole over a few pints, both groups and the experts were there,

dangerous Ali was also there and denied anything under hand,

she was believed and the matter was dropped, we were all buttered up with praise for what we’d achieved ( well in my eyes that was sweet fuck all) but we took it, and then got into discussions about the next three months of challenges that lay ahead, and across the table sat Ali and believe me she never took her eyes off me all evening,

she must have bore so many holes through me head with the heat that she excluded from her death ray glare,

The evening ended and it was time to go home,

Ali approach me when I was alone outside,

she was drunk,

she snogged the face off me, she aroused me

She promised to make me life hell

She ended up in my bed that night

She was gone when I woke

You don’t wanna know what she wrote on that note on my pillow

Three months of pain? Or three months of pleasure? I’ll let you decide

The raid

Featuring

The undercover cop

And

the fantasist

1996

Song:- caught by the fuzz

Artist:- supergrass

Song:- Firestarter

Artist:-The Prodigy

Song:-Female Of The Species

Artist:- Space

Artist:- Manic Street Preacher

Song :- A Design For Life

THE MASTER

Andrew Whitfield was an enigma

a master of disguise, who kept the establishment at bay for many a year,

a nemesis or an adversary if you will, to all law enforcement across the globe,

a man with many secrets, a man of mystery that nobody will ever really know,

a man that will never be taken alive,

a man who only lets you see what he wants you to see,

a man who’ll never be broken,

However the bobbies of Warrington town had other ideas,

they want him, and they want him so badly they can taste it

so they have decided to set up a task force which they felt was needed to take the master down.

JUST ANOTHER DAY

August 18th 1996

The pills were being counted out and the wraps were being formed into little rectangular parcels,

it was eight am on a fucking hot Sunday morning,

and there was a group of us sat the in the garden of the infamous Andy Whit’s,

the joints had already been lit and were being passed around, every hand in that garden had a can of lager in it and that included the girls,

the atmosphere was growing already and the excitement could be seen hovering above the group like a cloud of stardust, and that garden was the usual destination and meeting place of the masses, Whitties garden just had an air about it,

such was the host that he was, he always made you feel at home, he even carpeted the concrete flooring to make it more comfortable for the folk who collapsed from shall we say over indulging,

and it would soon be time for a visit to the island lodge one of our local taverns, we would be calling in for a few scoops on the way to the first ever V festival, yes V96 was in town, it was being played out in our very own back yard, just a ten minute stroll from our houses and across a little bridge named the cantilever( because of the style I guess) and then you were there at Victoria park and facing the crowds of the day, if you could sum up the nineties and Brit pop, then I think that sight was it, although I never did work out where Gary Newman fitted into all of that,

THE LAST SUPPER

Friday September 13th

There were several of us sat around whitties dining table, Derek the joker, a 5ft 3 blonde lad sat in a wicker chair in the conservatory, well I say conservatory it was more of an extension and the hub of whitties world, Derek had just sparked up a joint and was in a world of his own having a wonderful conversation with the household dog, now besides his family there were only two things Andy loved and cherished, that was his fateful dog and his wicker chair situated in the corner of the extension facing towards the TV, the patio doors and the rest of the room where he could hold court to all his minions,

and at this moment his minions were sat around his dining room table, and the only reason there were so many of us sat there was to collect some recreationals for the evening,

John the Baptist was there that afternoon as was old Billy the fantasist,

Alex and Nigel my two house mates, myself of course, and Lee whit, Elaine was there of course as she was the head of the house, once everyone around the table had been sorted, discussions got under way of what the night would bring, and of course we’d all meet up at the the island lodge,

there would be a band on, and the euphoria of the recreationals would play a big part of the evening,

and after closing time back to whitties house for the after party, a few more spliffs and some good tunes before everyone drifts off home to bed before the sun comes up.

IN THE

BEGINNING

V96

August 18th

Pulp, supergrss, longpigs, elastics, super fury animals, Lee whit was relaying with some vigour the line up for V96 festival, this information was being retrieved from the poster on the wall of our local, and when he got to Gary Newman everyone had lost interest and settled down on the outside furniture situated in the beer garden at the rear of the establishment,

It was getting hotter and hotter with every minute, and was going to be a very fucking long day, the beer garden was full, there was great music banging out of the sound system,

the atmosphere was electric and it was still only ten in the morning,

every one and his dog in Warrington were going to be heading to Victoria park for the very first V festival, and we were no different, the one advantage we had was our local was just ten minutes walk from the site of the festival and where we lived was actually closer, so the pills were popping the drinks were flowing and the spliffs were smokin, dancing and shuffling had already begun in one corner of the beer garden,

Billy the fantasist was already talking bulshit to himself and anyone else who caught his eye,

Jon the Baptist and little Derek were still arguing about a stolen dole cheque, the story behind this was while little Derek was between places to live he had his benefits delivered to my house, for a small fee of course, not quite sure how legal this was, and not quite sure if little Derek was without a place to live, come to think of it not too sure either if little Derek’s name was even on the benefit cheques, but the point is a couple of weeks previous when little Derek came a calling to pick up the cheques they were not where I usually leave them, and the only other person that was in my house that specific day was Jon the Baptist, and when Derek caught up with him in the barley mow pub he was rather flush with cash, and unlike the Jon everyone knows he was buying the drinks,

well it didn’t take long to establish what occurred, with Jon the Baptist admitting everything right off the bat, his only defence for such criminal activities were that the cheques were not addressed to Derek, I know, no logic among thieves,

but on this Sunday they were still arguing the point of who was right and who was wrong,

Andy whit, Elaine, Ibbie, Paula, Moggsie young Jenny (Moggsie girlfriend, she was given the title young Jenny on the basis at seventeen she was twenty plus years younger that Moggsie) were all sat at a picnic table to the back of the beer garden sharing a joint, while I was sat with our kid Dwayne Alex and Nigel just shooting the breeze and taking it easy before the recreational’s come out and we head off for an afternoon of wild music history.

THE END IS NIGH

Friday 13th

Six pm and a group of us had arrived at the island lodge, we were sat in our usual spot under the front window near to the front door and close to the bar, an excellent spot,

there was Andy whit , Elaine, Moggsie, young Jenny, my house mates Alex and Nigel, myself, and Lee whit,

we were all just starting the evening with the proverbial pint and a reefer, other players in the bar that evening that were occasionally part of our group were Johnny Bibby and his partner Karen,

They were situated on two bar stools just behind our group at the bar,

Jon the Baptist and little Derek were still bickering in the corner just along a small corridor near the back door, and then there was old Billy the fantasist talking to a guy named Jason at the end of the bar near the serving hatch , Jason had integrated himself with the group some months back, but this evening he seemed overly friendly with Billy and the landlord,

But fate takes a hand in my pursuit of happiness and freedom this evening, because Nigel who has a girlfriend (who just happens to be a student nurse) has been given the task to invite me to a hospital party where there would be a girl, also a student nurse no less who I very much fancied, but she had never shown any interest in me more than mates in the past,

but Nigel had past on to me that Christie (the nurse) had specifically ask for my presence this evening, well how could I resist, I could tag along with nige and Alex, check out the party and if everything was going well, then that night would be a night to fall in love,

if it all went tits up i knew where everyone was on a usual Friday evening, and that’s just where I have left them

at the island lodge probably with a few additions, as more patrons came in later,

It was a win win situation what possibly could go wrong,

A MESSY PARTY

August 28th

When a festival starts at midday there must be a good reason for it, and I’m sure the reason is not to start the party at eight o’clock in the morning,

by the time eleven am had arrived and it was time to move on to the main venue at Victoria park the whole of the island lodge were smashed, old Billy the fantasist was dancing with the trees in the beer garden and he would not make the final journey to the gig,

Jon the Baptist and little Derek had given up throwing insults at each other in favour of throwing punches, neither one of them made the gig,

but some of the smarter party people paced themselves, and were just peaking in time for the gig, and with recreationals to come it was all to play for, so the rest of the flock followed whittie out of the lodge and on we went to have one of the best days for decades

UNREQUITED LOVE

It was not yet 7pm, in the evening and nige and Alex were itching to move on to the party, so instead of my usual routine I had made up my mind to go with them, and so off we went, leaving my usual crowd there to enjoy themselves,

which was more than I could hope for,

and the reason for this thought was although nige and Alex are my house mates and nice lads,

they were not the most exciting of blokes, and although they dabbled occasionally in recreationals, the effect on them was not at all dramatic,

but I had an obligation to a lady who apparently had requested my presence at the party, and as a gentleman I was obliged to attend,

and I caught Christie’s eye almost immediately as I made my entrance into the function room that was holding this medical shin dig, and with that passing look the passion filled the whole of my body,

I did not rest on my laurels, I quickly hand gestured a drink towards her admiring stare as I made my way to the bar, and her reply could be seen by everyone, because she stood slowly, then provocatively started to walk towards me, at this point my legs nearly gave way and I was frothing at the mouth with anticipation of what tonight may bring if only I could keep it together,

as she approached me I thought about that old cliche, as the girl approaches, you reach out to her, and she walks by you to another, and you stand there just so fucking humiliated, well it did not happen quite that way, she arrived to me, we hugged and a kiss on the cheek from me, was reciprocated by her with a full on mouth to mouth snog, tongues essential, and as she took my hand and dragged me to the dance floor, I realised that she may have been a little intoxicated, but before I could show off my moves on the dance floor a greasy six foot something handsome god caught her attention by grabbing her hand,

as she turned to him you could tell they were acquainted with the way they hugged and the use of the serious mouth action at play, while I just stood there with my jaw to the floor, nige whispered into my ear that this was Terence a junior doctor and occasional friend of Christie’s, well I picked up my jaw from the floor and headed to the exit thinking how could anyone compete with a very large mountain wearing a fucking white T shirt so tight his pecks were fighting to be released, and once released there would only ever be one winner in the war for the girls affections,

I bet he’s got a small dick was my last thought as I left the building,

THE ONE WHO HAS

DIPPED HIS HAND

Johnny Bibby an old school friend, and the best lad I have ever seen doing a wheelie on his souped up bike when we were at school was sat at the bar of the island lodge at eight thirty on Friday the 13th 1996, he related to me what had occurred at the lodge while I had taken cover at a public house across from the island lodge on my way back to join the evenings fun and frolicking, apparently cigarettes and alcohol by oasis was blasting through the sound system of the venue when a surge of uniforms came crashing through the front door of the island lodge followed by several suits, the police had arrived mob handed and were in no mood for pleasantries, the suits knew exactly where they were going to first, and that was to whitties table, the rest of the uniform police spread throughout the venue searching every person that looked suspicious, which was every fucking one in the place so that job could take some time,

JON’S DISCIPLE

Jon the Baptist and little Derek noticed what was occurring and who was being targeted from their position near the back door and as there was no back entrance into the beer garden, just three tall solid walls, the police concentrated on the front which allowed Jon the Baptist and little Derek to slip out the back door without being noticed,

and with a stealth like speed crossed the beer garden and scaled the trees situated at the back wall and dropped over the other side and had it off on their toes,

together the two of them had come up with a plan the minute they saw the first uniform,

and it was a simple plan, which was to get the fuck out of there and regroup at whittie’s place,

which they did with such ease and finesse, when they arrived at whittie’s they did not have a fucking clue what to do next,

then little Derek had a moment of clarity, and realised that this house that they had just arrived at would probable hold some secrets that could be used as evidence against Andrew Whitfield if he were to be arrested on that very evening,

so they did what law abiding citizen would do, they broke in and cleaned that fucking house from top to bottom,

clearing out any incriminating evidence there may have been lying around, they then left through the back door just as the police arrived at the front,

DON’T LOOK NOW

I took a walk back to the lodge to clear my head and reminisce over the love I’d lost, but as I was reaching the point where the borough arms holds court on the corner of Buttermarket street and Mersey street i not only heard some sort of fracas I could clearly see it,

and it involved a lot of police presence and a lot of police vehicles,

I’m stopped in my tracks just outside the pubs entrance and for a second time that evening I had to lift my jaw back off the floor, and wisely I think, decided to pop in to that pub for refreshments,

I took a seat at the window with a cold pint of lager in hand and a great view of all the commotion going on across the road,

there was at least two police vans and many cars parked out the front of the lodge, and while I sipped on my ice cold pint i observed many lodge clientele being escorted into the back of these vans,

I noticed Moggsie taking his place, but there was no young Jenny, there was old Billy the fantasist joining Moggsie

the landlord also turned up and was followed by whittie and Elaine,

there were some other faces being escorted in handcuffs, but none I really knew that well,

so I wondered where was Lee whit, and where were Jon the Baptist and small Derek, Ibbie Paula

These questions would be answered by the time I had ordered my second pint,

as they all arrived through the side door of the borough arms sporadically along with Johnny bibby and Karen,

I was briefed mainly by Johnny bibby who calmly watch the raid of the island lodge from his bar stool with his beloved Karen, and as they were not regulars of the establishment they were not on the police’s radar although they were asked questions and prompted to empty there pockets,

Jon the Baptist relayed the house cleansing mission by Derek and himself (who were now the best of buddies) this act of heroism by the two may or may not have saved whittie from a life time in prison,

but it was ibbys information that was the most interesting, he and Paula had heard that it was in fact old Billy the fantasist, who had dropped the whole of the island lodge under suspicion of being a den of iniquity and the base of the top drugs baron of the north west,

this was all related to a guy named Jason who was having a pint one day in the lodge while off duty from the police, and thus started a snow ball effect as Jason turned up more regularly undercover to enorgurate himself with Billy liar, and he was slowly taken in with all his Billy bullshit and fantasies, and actually believing him but without any collaboration,

a full on raid from the drug squad was undertaken, recovering a haul that amounted to two half smoked joints, the odd squashed pill into the lodge’s carpet and the fragrance of some josticks burning in the corner, it was a catastrophe for the bobbies of Warrington, but someone had to pay for their embarrassment and their focus lay on whittie and Moggsie

A RETURN TO MY HEARTBREAK

I couldn’t face going home as I lived a few doors away from the whittie household and with all the police activities in and around that area I had the idea that I should revisit the party I’d left earlier that evening,

I know my heart had been broken in two, but I was optimistic that there would be new opportunities on the girlfriend front as there were many student nurses who may want to befriend an honest god fearing young man,

and if they couldn’t find any I would be there to pick up the pieces,

as it happened when I arrived back at the social gathering of the hospital staff it wasn’t long before I was greeted once again by Christie, and by this time this young lady did not have much time left on her feet,

I could tell by now she was very inebriated and as I had had a fair few drinks myself on top of some recreationals I predicted the rest of this night would not go well,

where in fact it went better than anyone could have hope, but not as well as I would of liked,

we ended up at Christie’s dorm,

we ended up naked

we ended up exploring each other

and we ended up waking the following afternoon not understanding what the fuck went on,

but although there would never be any actual intercourse between myself and Christie, I will take to my grave the sight of her beautiful body as she slipped from the sheets to put on some clothing once we had realised who and where we were,

THE DEVILS WORK

Some weeks had past since the island lodge raid and everything was getting back to normal, everyone was falling back into there lives, and the sun was shining, whittie Moggsie and some others were charged with minor drugs offences, but life went on, I at some point since the incident I had decided to get back to nature,

I had decided all electrical equipment was the devils work,

so I systematically gave everything away,

my tv, stereo etc,

and then began to dig up my front garden with the idea of tunnelling through to somewhere,

but nowhere in particular,

I would just go out occasionally and dig

and if I was not digging I would paint, as I also took up oil painting and would paint blue lighthouses, this life style change lasted almost two weeks before I admitted my mistake to myself,

unfortunately I could not retrieve any of my possession I had given away and with hearing whittie had been given a twelve month jail sentence for the heinous crime of passing a joint around in his own house, I decided to pack a bag and leave the uk, first stopping off to visit my brother on the isle of Man,

I’m still waiting to leave the

Isle of Man twenty eight years later