Man...

Man....

Life is seriously testing me.

My mind is jumping off the

Empire State Building.

With Alisha Keys

playing background

melodies.

My body is numb

in agony- while the cement

cradles my head against

ground zero's legacy.

The fallin' who are still

screaming from their destiny,

I can hear their screams as I cover my ears reminding myself to breathe.

There's a knock at the door,

but don't answer it!

Cuz it's the only the

bad news on KOMO 4

but wait there is more.

That's my reality TV scene,

not A reality TV show, NO.

It's my real life testing me

positive for a disease,

but I didn't fuck!

I got fucked!

I wore protection & I eat clean

Bitch that doesn't matter!

You didn't catch this

from no body's infections STD!

There is no one way to

control this disease of Life

that caught me & infected me

3 times... three......times 3!

I didn't catch it from a sneeze.

It snuck up & chose me.

& my grandma was a warrior

she made her way to Heaven's door

& that day I didn't wanna let go

of her hand, but I watch her

walk into the promise land

& now my Dad is looking at

his grave but I told him he has to stay...cuz that dirt ain't even

ready to be his cave.

My heart breaks. It's already broken.

It's just continues to separate.

God is holding the pieces together-

So I don't just evaporate.

Tears sting my eyes blood shot-

like blood drops from gun shots-

like someone poppin glocks on my block. NON muthafuckn stop.

Damn it-Stop! fuck! STOP!

My Hands are on the dash

while I'm waving white flag mad fast

Yelling "I'M NOT RESISTING ARREST!"

It's safer in the backseat cuffed to the sheriff seat-not in the front seat but there's no escaping this cancer facility.

No escaping this murder charge

or this felony at large trying to kill me

& My entire family

No judge & no sentence.

You're free to go

just pay the toll &

pray you'll be alive

to tell another soul....

just what you've been sold.

And a second chance may

Have you cold out there in the cold

But at least you can pass ....

OR you can roll the dice?

Looking hard for property

to lay down a nice life.

No winner though, because

this game never ends,

this fake money

& shiny cars

& stacks of cards.

Fake hotels

& YO time is running out.

How many times I gotta go around the board, landing on death properties

paying mortgages

to keep me alive Lord?

Off broadway, & get me off parkway.

I been telling you I don't wanna stay?

I'm ready to flip a chance

& get that one way pass.

Not out of jail but

the opposite if this hell.

Straight up top-

a one way to God's shop.

Where the pain stops

& Angels ignite

Glory is a sight

& heaven is my home day or night.

It's not a game.

I've been rolling the dice

& it's just numbers that don't lie

Bad numbers-

I'm Rollin

sweaty hands shake right

afraid for my life

Trying to figure out the

combination to unlock

this pearly gates flight

I'm ready to see the heavenly light.

My tears sting

& my lips bleed to be free,

my I.V. is weak

& my feet aren't even underneath me.

My thoughts go everywhere

& mind isn't anywhere.

I just know I'm here

because I keep writing

time stamped memos declaring my

existence

I am really fucking still here?

I keep writing to try to

change the chapter of

my nightmare

& write a happy ending

to this life nightmare glare

Roll the dice! SHIT! It's snake eyes

& my hand smashes them down

with denial & fear.

With anger steaming out my ears

& my world melts again

From the heat of the unknown

Signs everywhere saying beware.

Fuck.

Cancer spies another

one of my family members...

& my heart sighs.

My eyes cry dry tears

& they float down the seat

of my car like one last wish

and I close my eyes tight

Praying for life, a healing right?

the wipers wipe, left & right

Back & forth they

start to clear my sight

It's blurry, dark but wait

I see a small light...

Please clear the pain as I sit

staring into the rain-

The raindrops match my heart beat

Unplugged beats more Dr.'s

Then Dre's entire fleet

Reminding me to move my feet

Reminding me my reality isn't all

Negativity

Gods blessed me

With a loving man

surrounding me with

Raw love & truth & integrity

unconditional love & it's new thing

He married me, He gave me wings

He reminds me he loves to love me

My children are slices of

Heavenly Amenities

keeping me sane indefinitely

Beyond blessed- immeasurably

I thank God through my fears

I thank God I am here

I thank God for the prayers

And for what He whispers in my ear

Even though not everything

Is crystal clear-I will ride for Him

Blood, sweat & tears!

7:29am