26Dangerous Ali

26

Dangerous Ali,

1996

Song:- girl from mars

Band:-Ash

Song:- A design for life

Band:- manic street preachers

February 13th, 1996

I’m hanging upside down against a cliff wall at least fifty feet up, with my leg caught in a safety rope that is supposed to be safe, hence the fucking name safety rope,

and as the blood rushes to my head and my life rushes by, like a runaway freight train coming to the end of the tracks, I close my eyes and wonder what I did and how it was that I ended up in this situation on my thirty first birthday.

Five weeks earlier

January 8th, 1996

Monday morning

The only time that I have needed to enter a job centre in my life I was solicited almost immediately by a five foot nothing blonde lady, she was absolutely gorgeous, she had long wavy Farrah Fawcett Majors style locks, a big teeth smile, sea blue come to bed eyes, and a very very shapely body, now I only describe her this way because I was admiring her from a distance while I waited for an audience with a member of staff, (which by the way was harder than getting tickets to a dead Elvis Presley gig) that was when I noticed her approaching me it was in slow motion, ok the slow motion bit was in my head as was the way her clothes fell from her body with every step but you’ve got to have your fantasy’s

she stopped and looked up into my eyes and introduced herself, “hi my name is Alison and I work for blah blah blah”

Jesus she lost me at Alice or was it Alex? or maybe Alison?

fuck me the monotone of her fucking voice sent me into the land of nod from the off,

and I knew right off the bat she was gonna be so fucking boring and miserable that my first thought was, I wonder if sex would help spice up her conversational skills,

So I figured I’d make it my mission to help this young lady achieve this most needed skill, and in doing so, my achievement would be to bring out a personality that must be living dormant there within her,

but first I had to really focus and see what the lady wanted,

it turns out Alison, (which is defo her name) worked for the prince’s trust and was recruiting subjects for a three months personal development programme which required working with the fire service, Who in turn help the recruits in many basic subjects for instance, living off the land in the wilderness, orienteering, fund raising for good causes, organising functions , (you get the idea,) well this sounded right up my street as I was out of work for the first time since my window cleaning Shenanigans at the age of fifteen, the only downside was the recruits had to be aged from sixteen to twenty five, and also come from a more delicate background, the program would also be peppered with recruits from a good professional background,

which I was neither,

with no job at present, and at the age of thirty I did not make the criteria, So I did what any upstanding pillar of society would do, I lied my fucking head off, i reinvented myself as a twenty four year old nurse working at the local hospital on secondment from Neath in Wales, oh and my name was now Dwayne,

I figured this would work because my brother Dwayne, trained as a nurse in wales, and really who was going to check,

so after the initial informal interview with Alison, and with some light persuasion we retired to the pub for some refreshments and a get to know each other session, which was so fucking hard as she was still boring as fuck, with little to no personality,

so the only option left was to go in for the snog,

now this could result in a kick in the bollocks or a day to remember,

well the bollocks stayed in place, but Alison did not because to my surprise we retired to mine and a night of passion ensued, but I’m afraid this did not improve the situation,

Alisons bed patter was just as grim in the morning as it was when we entered the bedroom,

but the noises she made and the positions she had me in,

far outweighed those negatives,

she left that morning with a wave a smile and a promise of tomorrow, and I sat there on my front door step with my head shaking in my hands and tears in me eyes while chanting quietly to myself, I’ve Gone and fucking done it again,

January 12th 1996

Friday , four days later

the phone call I was waiting for about my inclusion on the princes trust placement scheme came at nine am, and it was a clear fucking no, and this was due to, firstly, me not being my brother, and second me being slightly over the age of twenty five,

third, me not training in Neath,

fourth, me actually not being in the fucking nursing profession,

And lastly, me not being on the breadline, (petty points to pick up on one thinks)

So Ali had only gone and blocked me,

and I thought we had parted on great terms as well,

but with hindsight maybe I should’ve turned up for the date we’d arranged, or took one of the two dozen or so phone calls she had made to me, and I of course ignored, (to be fair I have been stalked in the past which is another story to be told later, and although not the expert, experience has taught me to be very wary)

apparently though Ali was not to blame, the powers that be always do background checks as people may not be as honest as they should be,

which left me little hope of undertaking this new challenge in my life, or so I thought,

January 15th,1996

Monday 7 days later

I received a phone call from the chief fire officer of my local station, ( who was one of the group running the trusts placements) he asked me to attend a meeting with himself at three pm that afternoon, and of course I did, I flew down to the local fire station with three hours to spare, I fear I was maybe a little to keen,

and would you fucking believe it, I was only offered a job, although I fear Alison was not quite as enthusiastic as I was when receiving the news,

she was sat on the panel that passed this crazy idea,

and her tears, and the walking out, followed with the obligatory slamming of the door kind of gave me a clue to her true feelings of my surprising appointment ,

February 13th 1996

Now what do you do when you're in need of some rational help from someone in hysterics, someone who is screaming verbal abuse at you, with tears rolling down their face, whilst you are on a knife edge, hanging gingerly by your left ankle from a rope being held by the same screaming hysterical demon,

Is a quite simple really,

you tell them you love them, and you always have,

but you have issues, and always found it so hard to show your true feelings and emotions,

now this may be a pathetic and thoughtless way to go, but In my defence it worked a bloody treat,

I was pulled up that fucking mountain quicker than you could blink, (but my ankle did take the full force of that yank of the rope,)

and quick as a flash I was in the arms of a truly deranged Alison, who was smiling like a demonic clown, throwing kisses all over my face, well I had e respond, didn't I? it would be cruel not to, it was like my defence mechanism,

and the best defence is full on sex on the snow laden cliff top, and Alison responded shall we say some what enthusiastically,

Monday 15/01/1996

After the interview

I felt it was my responsibility to go after Alison as she stormed out of the meeting, you see I felt some responsibility as I may have contributed to the mood she was displaying,

Because by then I was made aware by the chief fire officer that I was the last resort for the job of team leader to one of the groups,

this was after a crucial member of staff had up and left that mornin, leaving no time to advertise as the three month placement started that coming weekend,

and as I’d shown so much enthusiasm by begging to be given a second chance, I was to become a team leader alongside Alison as my boss, oh how wonderful what a double act we are going to be.

Now the problem with this revelation was, it seems it was Alison’s fiancé who had walked out of the job and out of her life, having found out about her infidelity’s with me,

calling off their wedding in the process, and taking their life savings, oh and putting their house up for sale, talk about a kick in the teeth for a quick shag with a jack the lad, so like I say what a hoot the next three months are gonna be,

I caught up with Alison as she was entering the lord Rodney pub, but the look on her face suggested to me she was in no mood to talk, but I felt it was my duty to at least try,

we stood side by side at the bar facing forward matching each other with every drink, never at anytime was there eye contact, but I had to admit she had a healthy appetite for vodka, no words were exchanged until she turned to me and I turned to her and she looked me straight in the eye, well ok she had to look upwards admittedly

but those bloodshot black eyes burnt right through to my soul, and her words although slurred shook me to the core, when she said “beware the lakes and hills of the Lake District, many an accident can happen to vulnerable boys when out of their comfort zone”

she followed this chilling statement with an almighty belch and a squeaky fart,

and a little vomit dribble down her chin,

and that’s when I couldn’t take her last statement seriously and let out a rip roaring laugh, which I fear I should not have done, as I received yet another bloody nose from another very angry girl,

now I take no pleasure out of this but my knee jerk reaction was to throw my drink in the direction from where the fist came, which in turn ended up with Alison’s head dripping with lager and tears, and this mixed with the mascara dripping down her cheeks and her wet hair sticking to her face, she looked more like a patchwork scarecrow after a messy night out,

and I myself with blood pouring down my chin onto my shirt didn’t look much better,

we both went to prospective toilets, to clean up,

and we did not speak till the day the development programme started,

February 13th 1996

Back on the mountain

Alison was so passionate from the off, she had me naked on my back in the snow, and took the lead as she straddled me,

so I lay there content thinking of what was to come, and to think just minutes before I was dangling upside down off that cliffside (admittedly we were really only about ten feet up and I was never in danger of serious damage)

but my pleasure lasted only moments as she leapt off me and took off like a cheetah fired from a cannon with my clothes in hand,

I was in shock! I lay there wondering what the hell had just happened and also with the realisation that I was completely naked,

and I now had the added complication of getting back to the lodge where we were staying, without being seen of course,

but more importantly without me cock and bollocks dropping off from frost bite

January 20th 1996

Saturday

The first day of the program and we started with a team building exercise, the groups were all togged up in there outward bound type gear and driven out to Delamere forest,

a dense area of the country side to play fucking games in the pissing rain, I was to head the yellow team,

while Alison headed the red team,

now these teams were picked by the lovely Alison herself, and I don’t want to sound unfucking unappreciative, but I suggest that this woman was either out to win this exercise or maybe out to humiliate and degrade me,

you see her team was made up of the working middle class white collar shirt type individuals,

whilst my mob was just that, these were the guys that were recruited from the job centre and doors and allyways of the town, some had had drug or alcohol issuses for a long time, even though some had not yet hit 18, but you know what I wouldn’t have change the groups for the world,

because you wouldn’t find a better bunch anywhere,

Our first task of the day was simply to get from a point A to a point B using a map and a compass,

this my friend is called orienteering or in our case, getting fucking lost in a jungle full of creeping things, also, apparently their would be little tasks throughout our journey just to keep us on are toes,

but these kinda obstacles would not get our group of Mavericks worried, they’ve had so many different kinds of obstacles to climb over in their short lives,

so we just set off without a care in the world,

with me there charismatic leader, whose only ever had to navigated himself to the pub,

but we all agreed what the fuck could go wrong,

it was Paul who first brought to our attention that maybe it would be a good idea to have a look at the map to make sure we were going in the right direction, since it was the Antichrist Alison who pointed us in this direction and she was actually on the opposing team, and may not be playing as fair as she should,

now for a seventeen year old homeless ex heroine addict I thought this showed excellent qualities, so I made him my second in command,

the map turned out to be a bus route and the compass was less than useless as the hands that I think are suppose to help with direction we’re missing, now this could just be faulty equipment or some one was out to harm us with a little bit of sabotage? but who the hell would do that!

February 13th 1996

You will be happy to know that my cock and bollocks did not drop off that day and are still in place which would hold me in good stead throughout my life, and especially through this nightmare outward bound week, although to be fair the bollocks are now hanging like a chickens neck right down to my knees, though this is purely due to age and fuck all to do with a frostbiten cock and bollocks,

I ducked and dived for five minutes through the hands of the Delamere, and as the sun went down it was replaced by a lovely shiny moon lightening up the forest just as I get to the lodge in my birthday suit, and

due to the extreme cold I did not feel all the cuts and grazes the forest gave me, and I also could not feel my fingers or toes,

and as for my tackle you would be lucky to catch a glimpse of it in all it’s glory, as it had hibernated for the winter, leaving me with the smooth bush look

And that’s the look which all of the twenty five plus student and tutors saw as I threw open the lodge door hoping to sneak to my room unsighted,

but Ali of course had other ideas, of course she bloody did.

Saturday

January 20th,1996

Back at delamere forest

Jenny was the first to slide head first into the murky river after a trip wire sent her down the muddy bank, while Paul and Richie were setting up a rope pully system across the river from a tree on opposite sides of the bank (this of course was supposed to stop us getting wet by going over the water, instead of through it)

Richie was in a small canoe left we presumed by the organisers to cross the river with one end of the rope, he sank far to quickly, so he too found himself wet, (an unsighted hole seemed to have developed in the canoes bottom)

Paul also went into the drink head first when he lost his balance while laughing his tits off at Jenny,

once the pully was in place, by the now very wet and cold Richie, myself and billy were the first to attempt to go over the river sliding slowly along the rope,

our journey was cut short and we ended up joining them all in the river as the supposedly sturdy rope and equipment left at the rendezvous by Alison snapped, far too easily in the groups eyes,

Sabatage was once again at the front of my mind and the whole group were very wet and very cold and very fucking hungry,

the day was coming to a close and we had no fucking idea where we were,

fortunately the organisers are not fucking idiots and would not want to kill off half of their recruits on the first day, no no these wise men had professionals put in place to assist if any mishaps may occur,

well fucking sabotage is one big fucking mishap wouldn’t you say,

February 13

I entered the lodge and

tippy toed through the hallway, to the door that leads to a big communal area where all recruits and trainers gather for team building evenings, meals and entertainment, now I had to cross this large space to get to the corridor where all the dormitory’s were situated, I hesitated, I put my ear to the deviding door, not a fucking sound, the place was in darkness, fucking result I thought and I gave a little punch to the air,

I swing open the door ready to bolt across the floor to safety and most importantly clothing, but my first step inside the room set in motion a chain of events that left me scarred for life, well for at least five minutes, you see when I entered that room, the lights to the whole fucking building seemed to light up like a fucking Christmas tree! Poppers popped, balloons fell from the ceiling, cheers and singing began , happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday to...... the whole place erupted with laughter,

the men were rolling around the floor unable to breath with the hysteria, the women were in tears and looked in shock, everyone of them seemed to be pointing to one area of my well chiselled body, as though something was a miss,

well I assured them that it’s bloody cold out there and found myself quickly trying to explain why the penis likes to hibernate in the cold,

then a glance to my left spotted Dangerous Ali, a big fucking grin on her face from ear to ear,

she was leaning against the wall with her finger on the light switch,

she whispered through a smile and gritted teeth, happy birthday baby, she winked at my man hood and brushed against my naked body, her fingers to her left hand lingered against my thigh just out of sight of the audience as she walked away with a swagger, I was so turned on by her sultry look and touch,

and that’s when I realised what she was winking at, I had gotten a little harder than one should with an audience watching on,

as the laughter turned to wails I gave my appreciation with a wave and I followed Ali with a swagger to my dormitory.

Saturday

January 20th 1996

We were rescued by the experts who had sent us on this fucking disaster trip, and as you can guess we didn’t get from point A to point B,

we left point A like any experienced orienteer’s,

but our problems started after taking our first few steps forward,

we were lost and as none of the group new north from south or east from west, we decided we’d need help from a map and compass,

but as you are well aware they were fucking useless due to some spiteful team cunt of a captain sabotaging are equipment,

when we arrived at the river crossing, we were less than an hour into our challenge, and were soon all fucking dripping wet, well the experts thought it would be a great laugh to watch us knob eads flap about the forest for awhile like fucking headless chickens,

apparently it would be good for morale and team spirit, fuck off! It was for their fucking pleasure or they would not have left us out there for several hours going half demented eating bark off the trees,

at one point I’m sure I remember Paul having ago at chewin on Richie’s leg,

We had our debrief at the local watering hole over a few pints, both groups and the experts were there,

dangerous Ali was also there and denied anything under hand,

she was believed and the matter was dropped, we were all buttered up with praise for what we’d achieved ( well in my eyes that was sweet fuck all) but we took it, and then got into discussions about the next three months of challenges that lay ahead, and across the table sat Ali and believe me she never took her eyes off me all evening,

she must have bore so many holes through me head with the heat that she excluded from her death ray glare,

The evening ended and it was time to go home,

Ali approach me when I was alone outside,

she was drunk,

she snogged the face off me, she aroused me

She promised to make me life hell

She ended up in my bed that night

She was gone when I woke

You don’t wanna know what she wrote on that note on my pillow

Three months of pain? Or three months of pleasure? I’ll let you decide