17The riviera another caravan and a motorbike

17

The riviera

Another caravan

&

A motorcycle

1987

Band:- swing out sister,

Song :- breakout ,

Band :- The Jesus & Mary chain

song :- April skies

The summer of 87

It had been some weeks since the bike incident, and all was quiet, there were no repercussions from the borrowing of other peoples bikes on a permanent basis by honest Davey, who by the way now had a thriving bicycle rental business,

it’s just a shame the way he went about setting it up wasn’t shall we say as honest as it could have been,

Still the summer of 87

The three amigos had swelled ta 8 as three more lads had joined us from our home town, but how the fuck they found us in the south of France was beyond anyone, as no one remembers telling any of them where we were goin, or for that matter that we were actually goin anywhere,

but here they were Kieth Neil and Stan rockin up early one morning waking the whole caravan up with their consistent banging on the fragile door of our caravan,

it is now a much bigger caravan than we previously had, this was due to the fact there were many acquaintances we’d acquired along the way,

the caravan was rented to us by an old friend of jays family who owned several caravans on the site, they offered to let us frequent the van at a low rent on the prevision we help out with a few jobs around the site, which we eagerly agreed,

we’d only recently moved in , but we needed to, with all the waif and strays we seemed ta be picking up,

and hopefully this is a home for all of us for the near future,

THE WAKENING

The first ta be woken by all the racket going on outside the van was cockney Tony the tub he was the best mate and side kick of honest davey who had also joined our caravan of love

Cockney Tony was not a morning man,

in fact I’m not sure what kinda man he is? as this will be depicted by what fuckin mood he is in, cockney Tony was a bit of a large round creature hence the name Tony the tub, so ya could say he was one fucking moody hard fat bastard with attitude, but we liked him,

my friends outside the caravan may not have shared the same enthusiasm for the man, their first meeting with tubs was shall we say somewhat ambiguous,

they were greeted by a hosepipe of water that rained down onta them so much so they scattered like wild rabbits and the loud bass like scream that left Tony’s mouth told them ta fuck off ta where they came from, all this commotion brought the caravan ta life and the day started right then

A couple of days inta life with old fiends from home by my side I thought it a good idea if I introduced them to peter head, (Pete was my employer at the time, he was a good egg if not a little too old at 40 for a pony tail,

he owned the salad table a fine dining restaurant which sat on the canals of port grimaud,) just ta see if he knew of any cash in hand work going in the area for 3 enthusiastic good lads, who were willing ta put in a hard days work for a fair day’s pay, he said fuck off! ok he really said he didn’t but would keep his eyes open, so yes he did mean fuck off,

and I can’t blame him cause these lads do not have a days work in em, a days partying and you’re on ta a great deal,

but as luck would have it

by the first weekend of the lads arrival Peter actually asked if anyone was up ta doin a bit of painting for one of his filthy rich friends who had a villa situated on the beach,

Kieth being an apprentice painter jumped at the chance and was ta start the following Monday.

Fucking result, more cash comin inta the caravan

Summer 87

THE DEPARTED

I was approached over the preparation of escargots ( snails in garlic butter for all ya commoners) by my boss friendly Peter,

if ya need remindin I was a kitchen porter in a high class restaurant called the salad table situated on a riverside in port grimaud owned by Peter Head,

well he was worried that the new paint job at his friends villa had not yet begun,

and more worrying was that all the paint and equipment supplied by sofia (his posh mate) seems ta have disappeared from the villas garage,

so at her request, I should take some time out of my busy schedule ta visit her on her yacht,

this beauty was situated on the harbour just minutes from the salad table,

I eagerly agreed that I would, this would be for selfish reasons ya understand, as it’s always handy to meet influential people who might do ya a favour in the future,

while at the same time I knew that I really need ta find Keith and the vanishing paint, probably just to keep hold of my own job ( after all I was the one who vouched for the bastards)

and so the first place ta look was the caravan,

Kieth and Stan had gone, the paint had gone the decorating equipment yes! it also had gone,

and It was Neil who supplied this information albeit through broken teeth,

unfortunately Keith and Stan had several employers waiting for work ta be completed on their villas or apartments around the local area,

and paying for services upfront apparently was to much of a temptation for the two boys, as they sold all paint and equipment supplied and kept the advance down payments,

and then they fucked off back ta Blighty, leavin poor old Neil ta take the beating from the aggrieved who we’re ripped off, ( now this was so unfukin fair cause Neil had a cracking blue and white gingem shirt I was gonna borrow , but he let himself get it shredded and bloodied in his foolish scuffles)

so this was definitely not the news I wanted ta hear,

as I now had ta pass this information on ta Sofia on her fucking glorious yacht at some point in my fucking young life,

And here’s me thinking on my first visit aboard I was hopin ta impress her with me boyish charm, and maybe weasel some sort of cushy job outta her

but now I may well be doomed ta work off a debt I had nothin ta do with,

let’s hope she’s sympathetic?

I left off going ta see miss Sofia for so long that I came to the assumption that all my troubles had gently faded away into the distant past,

but Mr head put pay ta that when I turned up for a morning shift at the salad table, apparently I had been summoned by lady Sofia , no arguments now, just go and pay your penance Peter instructed me,

so this was it I was doomed,

the dragon widower would soon have me in her clutches, and I could do little about it, except maybe beg for forgiveness

Lady fucking Sofia I imagine will be in the region of around 90 fucking years of age,

She’d have a face like a creased shirt , topped off with a blue fuckin rinse, and smellin of gin and lavender! And

and I’m having a waking nightmare of nightmares as i reluctantly walk the 5 minutes it takes ta the yacht, and as I turn left onta the harbour I’m lookin straight at the yacht, and as imagined ,

there hangin over the side was the lady herself,

I fucking sighed out loud, and me bollocks dropped, ( and I don’t think they ever recovered entirely after that sight) tits the size of melons covered by just a bikini top that looked like it was about ta snap with the weight of those saggin boulders as they bounced up and down with the movement of the boat, I was about ta vomit and I wasn’t even on the fuckin boat, and when she lifted her blue rinse skull ta face me (as she was shakin some sort of rug over board,) she smiled in my direction,

and I swear ta fuckin god there was not a fuckin tooth in that head of hers,

and the creases on her face seemed ta resemble a very fucking lively accordion playing a very bad tune,

I certainly did not want

to address the smell that came with my vision,

but I had no choice,

I had ta board her,

No! no! I had ta board the boat

not the fucking creature hangin overboard,

so with trepidation I gingerly boarded the yacht, where I was greeted by a mature Mediterranean looking goddess, dressed in what I can only be describe as a see through toga, underneath lay the most beautifully well rounded body hidden only in places by the skimpiest of bikinis,

there and then I lost the ability ta speak, but found the ability ta drool, this beauty introduced herself as Sofia an Italian lady of means who was somewhat disappointed with the boy that stood in front of her, she abruptly stopped talking and turned her head ta the right as she noticed my eyes were concentrating on the other lady ta me left, she let out a gentle laugh and threw her head back which released her auburn hair to float in the breeze before settling over her naked tanned shoulders

when she realised what I was thinking, she reassured me the lady in question was just the cleaner, she then turned ta me again and said,” ya should be more worried about what I will want from you young man” she then smiled and gestured for me ta follow her to this lovely white seating area on the upper deck,

We chatted awhile and her voice was mesmerising, she was Italian and had the most amazin accent, I listened intently and agreed to everything she said but heard completely nothin,

that was until she unloosend the toga she was wearing, quietly widened her legs while at the same time cupping the back of my head with her left hand and gently pointed me in the direction she wanted me ta go,

and I can assure ya the direction I was goin was down.

Summer continues in 1987

A Monday morning

I am standing on the balcony of this beach villa looking out ta sea holding a paint brush in me left hand, contemplating whether I am the luckiest or unluckiest lad in the world,

the dilemma I had was Italian mesmerising and hotter than hell?

After the most exhausting weekend in my young history I had to decide whether ta do the job that I put a mate up for who then took the money and ran?

or I could refuse to carry on and fuck off myself?

These were the questions I fought over in me mind, but ya can probably guess what I chose, as I am now on the job so ta speak,

and what swung it for me as ya may have already guessed was the Italian job , as I say she was so fucking erotic,

but on the other hand she may well be a nymphomaniac with psychotic tendencies?

so the question is,

would it be worth the risking my health?

As she did subtly suggested I check in with her every evening when I’ve finished work on her villa,

and as my day would soon be coming ta an end she would be expecting me,

and I suspect she would be expecting me to perform to a high standard,

now I know what ya thinking, I was a young lad full of life, and should be able to satisfy an older lady,

well I’d just done a 12 hour day after the most exhausting weekend with very little sleep, and I could see this routine lasting a long while yet, so forgive me if I pondered for a minute or two,

I flew down ta the yacht in seconds,

ya gotta give the relationship a little longer haven’t you

Saturday

6 days later

On nearing the end of this very weary project lady Sofia decided its time ta throw an intimate cocktail party,

so my buddies and I turned up ta what I can only describe as a meat auction for the more mature ladies of Saint-Tropez, it started well enough, some mingling a bit of flirting,

that was when jay turns ta me and comments on the lack of men at this shindig,

it transpires that Sofia and her friends had a liking for the younger men of the species, honest davey didn’t seem ta mind, as I spotted him descending ta the lower deck with 2 shall we say voluptuous women, their makeup hid many cracks but their hands gave away their time on this earth, and I suspect honest davey will find there gonna spend sometime on him as well,

We all felt some remorse for honest Davey, but when lady fucking Sofia decided ta tout me out ta her friends I knew it was time for me ta wrap things up here,

I spoke with the lads,

and Micheal and jay were in agreement

jay was well fucked off waiting tables every night till well after midnight, so the plan was to just disappear, and tomorrow would be that day,

We all agreed there was no point waiting around,

but first there was just time for a blow job from one of the lovely ladies hovering over me gins in hands and smile’s on melting faces, and their dentures just about holding on to their gums,

what’s not ta like!

As the day started to break and the crickets became silent under a chorus of chiffchaff and blackbirds singing in harmony , jay Michael and myself, slipped quietly out of the creaking door of the caravan we all once called home,

the 3 of us blended into the shadows as we tiptoed across the gravelled pathway to the entrance of the campsite, holding our breath hoping not to wake anyone or be noticed slipping away into the memories of the few we left behind

As we climbed aboard the first bus of the morning, the familiar growling sound we were all fond of emerged in the distance,

and we soon saw the large figure of Tony the tub flying outta the shadows on the communal motorbike we all once shared,

and he was gaining on the bus rather too easily for my liking, and the reason I’d rather he did not succeed in catching the bus was that there may have been an oversight with some bills,

in fact we may well have forgotten to pay the weekly rent to the landlord

and may also have inadvertently taken the households weekly shopping money from the jar just hidden behind the tinned goods in the top cupboard just to the left of the sink, I thought it was safe bet it would not be missed for some hours if not days,

by which time we would be some distance away,

in fact maybe in a different country never ta be heard of again,

but here he was larger than life riding along side of the bus, and as the bus eventually started to pick up some speed, Tony the tub was shaking his fist at the window that we were just about peeping through,

he was screaming some awful explanatories at the bus which I shall not repeat,

and his tubby head got redder redder when jay cupped his ear and started shaking his head in the pretence he could not understand, I looked at jay as if to say you’ve just signed our death warrant, when he pointed back to the window, all 3 of us looked and what a sight to behold, the sight of a big tubby ex mate Tony skating across the duel carriage way on his big fat arse after what looked like a major blow out after hitting a pothole,

He hit the lamp post hard and just for comedy effect He kept his legs open so as his bollocks had the best impact, the tears came quickly,

and his face was a picture

I could see it as clear as day, then I realised why I could still see Tony, the bus had only gone and stopped not more than a hundred feet from Tony, I thought the The driver had Seen the accident but in fact it was just a designated stop off, and some old crusties had rang the bell, and at that moment the laughter from the 3 of us ceased, Tony the tub was on his feet quickly and his grazed and gravelled body was making its way to the bus at quite soon speed considering, albeit with a gate that John Wayne would be proud of,

The tub was at the open door of the bus waiting patiently for the line of passengers to disperse, so luckily for us we had a few seconds grace to collect our thoughts before dying a slow death, and before you know it jay has the back door open and the 3 of us tumble out unnoticed by Tony the tub, as he had just entered at the front and was paying his fare, the bus takes off at some speed and disappears into the distances, and I can only imagine of what chaos was going on between the driver and Tony when he realised we’d made are escape, and right on cue a bus arrives in the opposite direction which we duly board and make our escape,

It was just short of lunch time when we arrive at the train station unscathed and ready for a long journey home, but that did not happen, well not at that moment in time, the 3 of us decided to head to the costa Blanca and the resort of Benidorm for some rest and recreation, before looking at working again, and the journey across France and Spain to get to the destination of our choice did not go as smoothly as you would’ve imagined.