The Need to Say No - Jill Brooke
20 minute read
Part 1 - Bull Wisdom Throughout History And An Introduction
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.” - Carl Jung
The Need to Say “No” will guide you to gain command of your relationships by creating boundaries and zones of self-respect. By learning to say no, you won’t be overstretched and may find time for all those activities on your to-do list. With this book, you will learn to build an invincible shield to protect you from those who seek to overwhelm, intimidate, and take advantage of your good nature. You’ll be less exhausted and stressed, and can perform more optimally. By saying no, you will have more time to make a real difference to the causes you care about and the people you truly love.”
Part 2 - Finding Your Inner Bull
Breeding
As part of growing up, breeding is essential to help us understand where we are coming from and how we were raised to answer some of the problems life throws at us. When we are raised to know when to say “No” then we permit ourselves the respect we are due. Don’t be a push-over. Don’t think that because you were raised to not say no it is going to be a bad image towards you. People will respect you for knowing when to say no as long you give them a good amount of reason for doing it.
Seeing is Believing
“Until you grieve for what you did not have and let go of desired expectations, you cannot focus on what you can have”
Don’t focus too much on what your parents, or anyone you’ve respected told you in the past. Focus on what you think you can do and eventually do it. There’s no use living in with someone else’s perspective and perception of you.
We are creatures of habit, but habits can change
“To change behavior, you need to become aware of your vulnerabilities and develop strategies to counteract them.”
Start practicing to change your habits one small goal at a time. It may be cancelling on movie nights, or cancelling plans of going out. Just try to be more perceptive and mindful of how you are spending the bulk of your time that’s unproductive and start cancelling them.
Building Fences
“A gateway to learning must always be open.”
When we start to close all our doors towards learning something new, we tend to not be able to see clearly past them. I guess this best describes a child learning versus an adult. When we were young, every mistake we’ve made is told to be alright that’s why it was easier to learn from our mistakes.
Part 3 - The Bulls In The Bullpen
“The terms bull market and bear market are derived from the animals themselves. Bulls go up, bears go down. Activate your inner bull and learn from other successful bulls.”
Teddy Bear Bull - Loves chewing on ideas, these bulls are the reason the world is in a much better place. They make efforts to get results by using knowledge and character.
Bull-et Point John - These people love to emphasize on bullet points and also love showing their knowledge to everyone.
Brad Pitt Bull and Sandy Bull-ock - These are the dashing and charming people that know how to get information just out of anyone. People love and gravitate towards them because even though they reject offers, meetings, and favors, they are able to tick into the minds of their audience to still make them feel valuable.
Sitting Bull - “You are defined by two traits: your patience when you have nothing and your attitude when you have everything.”
They sit and wait until their skills are needed. They won’t show up their skills. Sometimes, there’s really more to just sitting down and jotting down notes while looking at everybody. You’re not supposed to do all the things yourself.
Standing Bull - This bull stands up for what he/she believes in and fights for it tooth and nail. There is no backing down from a fight ,and the most important thing is that he/she sets the boundaries. Once they have set a serious boundary on their goals, they won’t want to fall short or compromise on that boundary.
China Shop Bull - These are reckless people. Avoid them at all cost as they will cost you more harm than good.
Brahman Bull - Trust your instincts and be prepared to use your connections, logic, knowledge, and innovation to succeed when you don’t have all the branding.”
These bulls are the underdogs. They tend to use everything in their power (from what they’ve gathered thus far) into something more.
Bob the Bully - Is basically a bully. Unless someone challenges this guy and makes a stand for it, then we won’t be able to move forward with humanity. Remember, silence is a voice and it is a voice that helps these bullies to stay strong.
Henry the Hoofer - “Let’s discuss this tomorrow, though he never does. He is not to be trusted.”
This resonates with me mostly as when I first read the description of Henry, I found that it resembles me a lot. Whenever I hold meetings or meetups, it’s me who ends up not going or flaking out.
Yell-ow Bull - Loyal but difficult to handle, these kinds of people love to yell and shout out their points across the other party.
Strategies to Become Bullish at Work and Even Make a Buillion
Carry Your Own Load - If you think you time is limitless you will say yes to everything and pay the price.
Prioritize - Don’t waste your talent on distractions. It decreases effectiveness and undercuts real leadership and vision.
Audibull - Always consider that the motivation is behind your bull’s actions. What do they want or not want? Listen to other people. Too often people spend time talking and not listening what is behind someone’s words.
We are Animals, not Computers - Say no to making critiques personal. Always separate the animal from the problem.
Questionabull - Understanding the other person’s POV is not the same as agreeing to it. By feeling understood, the bull at the other end of the negotiating table will better absorb your position without feeling threated and will be more open to compromise.
Expolitabull - Have a number you won’t budge on. Know when to say no and create limits to what is acceptable. Until the bull sees that part of your negotiating style, you can never have equal footing.
Sharpen your Bull Horns - Instead of volunteering for work that is out of your expertise, stay focused on your talents.
“Focus is about saying no, and he result of that focus is going to be some really great products.” - Jobs
“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actuallly as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1000 things.” - Jobs 1997
Market Intelligence - Keep email trails as proof of your contributions in your work.
Bosses Are Not Your Therapists - Humans must know how to get their emotional needs met outside of work. Your boss is NOT obligated to compliment you.
Shooting the Breeze - Spend a little time making colleagues feel comfortable with you by suggesting news articles to read or seminars worth attending. Be bullish on substance and provide useful or amusing information.
Colleagues Can Smell Fear - Repeat this mantra: “I am safe, healthy, wise, and strong.”
Chasing Away Bullies - “The strength within is not always visible. But it is there, and when harnessed, is a potent force of good. By dissecting the lines of a bull and emphasizing different parts in the painting of Picasso, one can discover the spirit of the beast and view the creature with fresh eyes.”
Be Honorabull - Many have so much and don’t need more. Say no to cutting corners because you may then be lost in your own maze.
Create a Bully Pulpit - “Companies welcome ideas from everyone and has worked hard to banish the perception that employees are meant to agree with the boss and the idea that saying no is disrespectful. They call it the need for employee engagement.”
Quarterbacks and Receivers - “Choose your teammates based on qualities such as smarts, efficiency, and reliability. Social hierarchies are formed with leaders chosen based upon intelligence. Leaders are amongst the oldest, suggesting that experience is valued as a strength.”
An Ancient Fable on Mahisa - The power of community is greater than the sum of its parts. Create a good team around you.
Winning - Finding a way to compromise is winning. Neither party has to lose. That’s how you win.
Part 4 - The Bull At Home
Knowing Your Bull Spouse
Rituals - When a person gets home, take some time to do some “home” rituals. It may be making coffee or turning to anything that makes you not think of work. This helps in easing up your mind and to de-stress your life. It’s important to have that consistent work-life balance.
Communicate with Words, Not Animal Sounds - Stop whining. Tell the other person what you are feeling. It’s important to communicate in any relationship so choose to tell exactly what you’re feeling as you don’t want these feelings to stack up in the future.
Drawing the Line - It’s important to set boundaries and a clear line. When that boundary is overstepped, speak out as it’s harder to hold grudges in long-term relationships.
Division of Labor - This is important in every relationship. It should be clear on what the expectations are for both parties in any relationship as it will also come to haunt you in the future if these expectations are not met.
Being Vulnerabull - “Your reacting angrily makes him/her feel misunderstood. Most fights are caused by not considering the vulnerabilities behind our statements. In any exchange, ask yourself what vulnerabilities are being triggered.”
How to become Forgiveabull - ”Think always of what you have and don’t dwell on what you don’t. Saying sorry shows courage and class.”
Trainabull - Everyone is trainable. In a fight, instead of saying ”Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.”, yell ”You can continue to yell at me if you choose to, but I am choosing to not be in your presence until you speak to me respectfully.” This shows that you do not tolerate certain actions that diminish your sense of worth.
Speak Calmly - “Take a deep breath and speak calmly while expressing your new boundaries and terms. The combination of clarity and calm is both seductive and effective.”
Tongue Lashings - “Saying no without the other person feeling that you are listening is absorbed as an emotional punch. But saying no while making clear that you have considered their feelings won’t breed misunderstanding or resentment.”
Being Changabull - “People are instinctively resistant to change. Position your desires as a route for bettering both your lives.”
Be Patient - “No matter how slow your progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t even trying. The wisdom of the bull tells us that your life doesn’t change by chance, but from actively making changes.”
Rolling in the Hay - “Relationships are give and take. When you are not receiving enough and the other person is taking too much, then you will have to rethink how your relationship works. Relationships should not be an act of submission, neither should it turn into an act of abandonment.” Just because you were not able to give a few times that it was expected, your significant other should not use that reason as a chance to abandon you.
Don’t Love out of Fear - “If you are brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello. When you become a Standing Bull and stand up for something, you will be rewarded. It may take time, but it will come.”
Bringing out the Best Bull - “Some people need more breathing space away from each other to make the relationship flourish and last.” I guess this even applies to relationships outside marriages as people need to recharge a few times to function properly through their daily tasks.
A Note on Saying No to Angry Bulls - “Although well-meaning friends may have told the victim to just say no countless times, the fact is that this bull has most likely fenced out all interactions with loved ones over time. The victim gradually loses their ability to be independent and accepts the abuse in exchange for love. This is a form of control, not love.”
Knowing Your Bull Child
Most parents have spoiled their children by throwing a silver spoon at them the moment they were born. These parents are those who do will everything for their kids to not let them suffer any problems while they are young. The problem is, it backfires to these parents. As these kids grow older, they will have to face the harsh realities of this world the hard way. Without any experience in dealing with the outside world, these naive persons will then have to stumble worse and recover harder than they were supposed to if they had experienced all these while they were young.
“I am thankful to all those who said no. It’s because of them, I did it myself.” - Albert Einstein
You Have to Say No and Mean It - Again, this falls under finding a strict boundary and sticking with it. I’ve read an article in the past where parents should have a shared boundary set up straight between themselves for their children and not let any parent overstep that boundary with their child. This means that these kids will grow up knowing that their parents honor their words.
Explore Your Values - Parents essentially have to let their kids know that they are a part of a bigger world and that their behaviors affect more people than they think. Family stories will spark an interest in the child to see past their own mistakes. They will be less inclined to break rules, and in turn, less inclined to break your heart in the process.
Discipline Versus Punishment - “Punishment looks back. It pays for wrongdoings in the past. Discipline looks forward in giving your child a structure to be more effective in their lives. Parents should learn to say no to things to help the child learn the benefits of discipline and see these rewards. All these values get baked into the child’s DNA and behavior.”
Accountabull - “Encourage your children to do something they love doing even if it’s detrimental to them, but let them experience the consequences of their actions, or you will.” Let them know when you’re drawing the line if things get out of hand while not busting them out of any situations they may face as they should be accountable for their own mistakes.
Bankabull - A good parent knows when to spend or save up for their children. We don’t let our kids milk our bank accounts dry with their desires in life. We should learn to know when to say no to requests that will be counterproductive to both parties.
Tethered - “A child owes their parents gratitude and love, not the obligation to be at their beck and call. Parents need to respect that each child has its own destiny.” Don’t dictate what you want for your child because you were not able to achieve the same things when you were young. Don’t let your regrets be the burden of your children.
Safe Sufferings - Once proper parenting is done, children will know that not everything comes so easily and they don’t get everything they want in life. Once they have this mindset drilled down to their minds, hearing the word no a lot of will teach them to learn patience. They will learn that they are the architects of their own happiness.
Knowing Your Bull Family
The Golden Calf - “You do not have to be a child who is led on a rope as an adult. You have choices.”
Reconstruction - When you fight with your family members, it’s better to (1) step out and decide a location; (2) rendezvous to a universally friendly place for a face-to-face talk; (3) and talk calmly with the other party.
Stakes - “When putting down the stakes to your fence, don’t hammer too hard. Talk calmly as it is a conversation with the goal of a better, closer relationship. It is not an attack or monologue. State what boundaries you now want to create.”
You Can’t Be At Someone’s Beck And Call - “Interruptions can stall your career and your life. It breaks the flow of focus and the execution of thinking and perfecting.” If you are doing something and someone interrupts you, let them know that you cannot accommodate them. Instead, set up some time in the day to manage everyone’s expectations that this will be the only time you are able to talk.
Bull Sessions - “Owning that you have made mistakes in managing your familial relationships creates room for discussion rather than accusations. Monologues are not conversations. Invite suggestions to better your relationship and maybe someone will have a good suggestion.”
Smile - “Our brains register smiles as an emotion when we are not threatened. Overtime, it sends a message to the brain signaling safety. A warm smile can also thaw the coldest of bulls.”
Family Recipes - “Dealing with any family member requires managing expectations. Because anytime you argue with reality, you will lose. You can’t give the past that much power to impact the potential of your life. Each person’s ability to love and show love is different. Some have a gallon’s worth, while others are at capacity with a pint.”
See Things in a New Way - “Perhaps consider starting your relationships with a blank slate.” You’ll never know what new perspective you’ll gain when you throw out the past and open your eyes to new possibilities.
Strength and Peace - “Be like a bull and a dove. While you are summoning your strength, you must always have your eye towards peace.”
Knowing Your Bull Friends
“You can’t pick your family, but you can pick your friends.” Sometimes, even while we are choosing our friends, we don’t usually get the right one — no one ever does.
Mental Tune-up - Always re-assess your friendships as some of them aren’t as good as you think. Some take more and some give more. Learn to be on the giving-end of the relationship, but not too much as well. Examine what you are about this person so much that you would want to stay longer in this relationship for a small return.
Don’t Control Love - “Relationships shouldn’t be one-sided. If a bull puts all his weight on one foot, he will topple over. You are worthy of having someone want to please you, too. Use your bull’s-eye to cultivate people who love you back.”
Passive-Aggressive Bull - Cultivate positive group dynamics by not staying silent when someone dismisses others in order to make themselves appear more powerful. Take a stand and provide feedback that benefits both parties without embarassing the other.
Burned Out - “Saying no is often better than over-committing and not being able to deliver. Nor do we ever want to be called unreliable.”
Honesty is the Best Policy - “Tell people early if you are not able to make it to a party. Embrace the person while declining the request. Hosts appreciate it and you’ll get invited back in the future.”
When You Have to Say No to a Request - “Generous and kind people do try to link people together where it’s mutually beneficial and without taking advantage of someone’s valuable time.” Learn to know when to say no to a request if you don’t feel comfortable with it and trust your instincts on that. You should be able to tell if it’s the right thing to do in these situations since you will know both sides.
A Pack Can Protect You - “We need each other and good people should stick together. It is better to keep in a pack bulls with your value system wherever you are.”
“The Art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes.” - Tony Blair
Part 5 - New Pastures
“*Our mission: Learn survival skills to become the best we can be, while maintaining our integrity. Authenticity is achieved by hundreds of little daily steps. Patience, smarts, and fortitude can and will lead to greener pastures.*”
The Ten Bullisms
(1) Saying no means we have the skills to be bullish and not bullied.
(2) Saying no means we are not addicted to the approval of others and have developed self-respect.
(3) Saying no to rushing through life enables us to be more reflective and successful.
(4) Saying no creates a sound that silences injustice and paves the way for change and innovation.
(5) Saying no doesn’t cause abandonment but possibility.
(6) Saying no stops moochers from wanting to milk us for everything we have.
(7) Saying no means we understand that even though there are many in need we can’t successfully help everyone who asks.
(8) Saying no means we are realistic about what is required to take care of ourselves and others.
(9) Saying no can happen at any time. Even after you say yes, you can change your mind if your inner bull encourages you to change course, and you should trust this wisdom.
(10) Saying no means we accept the yin and yang balance of the universe and how it is as essential and perfect as saying yes. After all, a contented life is the balance between holding on and letting go.
The NoBull Prize
“By summoning and trusting your inner bull, you can function with the world at large more effectively with strength, clarity, and industriousness. You can at least be bullish with life. And when you can roam the world with your values intact and your skills sharpened, you could e eligible for the NoBull Prize.”
The Most Important *No*
No Fair is one of the most important phrases that we can spell from any bull’s lips. It is a stand for fighting the injustices of this world. Aspiring people who lead revolutions and leaving a legacy to our children often tackle the injustices that people experience.
Imagine all the people who have stood up for something because they think that the status quo was unfair. Where do you think all the current motivations to fight for LGBT rights and women’s rights come from? A lot of people are standing up for causes which do not directly affect them as well.
“Moral Courage means standing up not just to governments and armies, but friends and families. It is the willingness to be extradited by your community for what you believe is right. To realize that silence is a sound. Yes, silence is a sound. It is a sound that helps the tormentor, not the victim. When we do not say no, that act will define us, mark us like a scar. Each time you make a decision, you are exercising a muscle. Like any muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it becomes. And its strength defines us. Because we are always watching.”
Bullish and Lovabull
“Tikkun Olam is the act of repairing of the world through the actions of each of us every day.” The world sees you the way you see yourself. So let your actions define you. Stand up for what you think is right and let others do the same.
“There is a power in the herd. Because eventually the herd becomes its own single organism. It becomes one. One very powerful one. The truth is, your heart beats more powerfully, your courage is greater, and all the mistakes in life are far easier to accept when there is someone to take you into their arms and reassure you that you are part of the bigger picture. Everything you do matters.”
“Sooner or later you reach that crossroad moment that offers you a choice. Be bullish about substance because it has power and endurance. The bull whisperer lives inside you. It has always been there and it always will be. Set it free.”