5A night of passion, but am I still a virgin?

A night of passion but am I still a virgin

1980

The album:- Hunky dory

The artist:- David Bowie.

Featured song :- kooks

THE BEGINNING

I remember It was a long hot summer, and the heat intensified I think maybe around August, but this year in particular was ingrained into my heart and soul, not for the weather but for something on a completely different level for a young vibrant virgin,

yes it was definitely nineteen eighty and life would take off like a jet plane.

I was a mature fifteen and a half years old ( the half is very important as a teenager)

I was sure I knew just about everything there needed to be known about anything in life,

and I thought I had done just about everything there needed to be done,

and of course I had seen absolutely everything that needed to be seen in the world, and my primary knowledge of the world came as a result of the emergence of the home video recorders, which had become a visual revolution in the late seventies

and the fact that my parents rented one from radio rentals helped bring the culture of this great world into our living room, well mostly American culture, in fact more like American movie fiction really, with movies like Lemmon popsicle, the warriors, porky’s and many many more, ( please feel free to look them up these were the movie we teenagers lived for)

ok they maybe more of a sexual and violent culture, but none the less a wider view of the world was taken on board by yours truly ,

so life was good and was about to get even better, or was it,

it was a Saturday afternoon, and our kid had informed me that there would be a small gathering the following weekend at our house, which meant a full on sex drugs and rock n roll house party, because as usual our parents were spending the weekend in Wales with friends,

But don’t worry, it was ok

back in the good old days, parents could just fuck off and leave their kids whatever the age you were, apparently there was a policy somewhere on this subject,

back at the beginning of the nineteen seventies I remember my Friday evenings consisting of pop and crisps, with my brother and sister, all of us sat in the back of the car, in the local tavern car park, while the folks were merrily getting pissed inside the pub,

then at a particular age of the parents choosing, all kids progressed to being allowed to stay home alone with, yep you’ve guessed it pop, that we got from the pop van man that would visit our street on a Friday morning ( cream soda was my favourite of the day , wouldn’t clean my toilets out with it nowadays,) we would be given cash to visit the local shop on the corner to get crisps, also other goodies were acquired if we managed to pilfer them, and we were allowed the TV till ten o'clock in the evening, which was a joke because the parents never arrived home before midnight,

and so we always scared the shitting life out of ourselves by watching the late night scary hammer house movie ( usual Dracula or Frankenstein’ ) that was the obligatory movie on Friday nights, but we always woke up in bed and our parents were always there safe and sound,

THE PARTY

So as the evening closes in so do the party people, now I could go on about how great the party was, and give you an in-depth blow by blow record of what went on,

and how we laughed and danced the night away, but I cannot do this,

i’m afraid I have only one memory of that night, and that memory led to my first proper night of passion , ( before I collapsed behind the settee, )

you see I was given a bottle of martini to look after by this lovely older woman,

I guess she was maybe sixteen or seventeen years old, she had travelled from London just to be at this party, or if memory serves me right she was a cousin of one of our kids mates,

well this older woman

came sauntering over in her outlandishly blue see through gauze top, and tight white leather trousers, her very dark wavy hair dropping to shoulder level, and big blue eyes that pierced right through to my heart, I heard her say to me,

Jon my love I am going to have you tonight, you will be mine, and I will take your virginity big boy,

but then reality kicked in, and as I focused on her veluptious deep red lips that were actually moving,

and what she said was “oi mate, fucking put that somewhere safe, (the martini ) till I get back from snogging that geezer over there”

so I did, the fucking lot went down my neck, take that you bitch, you’ve just broken my fucking heart,

Not so long after these events, the room started to go a little hazy, I pass from room to room, attempting to crash off every wall, which I did with great success, with my final destination being the front room of my house,

but yet it was now not my front room, it seemed to have metamorphosed into a space capsule,

from out of space,

and I was somehow the captain in the midst of a space war with the crazy master of the the universe ‘my little pony’,

not the best name in the universe, but I hear his parents had such a sense of humour, that is before he had them executed!

Now, I board my space bike ready for war, but as I was about to take to the skies, whack,! something hit the back of my head, (a pillow I was to learn later,) which on impact knocked me sideways off the back of the settee, (which was where I had perched myself ) I bounce straight out off another wall, shaking me back to reality, and I found myself at the back of the settee, head spinning, eyes glazed over, at one with the butterflies and twittering birdies,

as I gather my thoughts and try to assemble some sort of sense to it all, I realise that the whole space trip thingy was just fucking that, a trip,

an artificial trip from some knob head who probably spiked the martini to get into the sexy girls pants, and while I was alone in my jumbled up thoughts a face appeared right in front of mine, smiling, with her voluptuous red lips asking questions? “ are you ok “ it’s her she’s back! and she’s not a mirage, I was just off my fucking cake on martini and anything else provided by the party people, “yeah I’m good” I answered, followed by , “so what’s your name then” “Dee,”she said smiling at me,

now Dee as I have already reported, is a girl from London who was so fucking hot, and she is smiling at me, and only me,

I must’ve looked so fucking hot myself, with my once perfectly brill creamed hair, which was now unfortunately matted to my face, that coupled with the trail of vomit descending from the nose down to my midriff, I guessed I probably didn’t look my best, but I hoped still to pull off the handsome happy go lucky persona,

I was hoping though that the wet patch around my groin area would be martini and not piss,

I think all in all though, it was going well enough, now to the serious question,

Should I ask this babe out,

Sometimes in life things just go your way, and sometimes they just don’t, well on this day I am favouring the former, as the stunning brunette said yes to a date when I asked if she would like to meet up sometime,

but we both agreed that I should maybe keep my bladder under control when we next meet up,

for one thing it would be totally embarrassing, and for another, she said she would cut off my balls and stuff them so far down my throat that they would stick out of my arse like piles on a good day.

THE DATE

My palms were sweaty, my head was racing, in one hour my date with the fabulous Dee would begin, now how should I play this, she would be arriving at my house for six pm and as my parents were once again in Wales, (actually I think they took up residence there and just forgot to tell us,

and they just popped back on a Friday to drop off pop and crisps, not realising we’d progressed to lager, martini and the odd party, although I’m sure they would guess soon enough as there was not much of the house left standing)

The doorbell rings and the nausea begins, (come on Johnny what could go wrong? ) it’s just a date, a drink, some gourmet food, and the love of a special woman,

I move towards the front door,

and all I’m thinking is,

is the lambrusco on ice?

Did I take the lid off the tinned fray bentos steak n ale pie?

Is it in fact in the oven?

Christ, have I got the tinned new potatoes on the boil?

How long do they take to cook? so many fucking questions, and no answers,

To late now,

I’m at the door and my hand is on the catch, “it’s now or never boy” I could hear myself saying,

and then with a loud voice I shouted through the letter box, “there’s no one at home we’ve all fucked off to wales”

Of course I bloody didn’t,

But I did think about it though,

I also may have been a little nervous, but I was on a promise, I was about to become a man, lose the old virginity, go to outta space and back,

topped off with an explosion at the very end, basically I am going to make mad passionate love to a beautiful older girl,

the only problem was I had no idea how to do this?

Now you have to remember in the medieval days of the late nineteen seventies there were only 3 channels on tv, no porn channels, no easy internet experiences,

if you wanted to find out something, the only option you had, was to get on ya trotters and go down to the library, and then you would have to spend the best part of your day, tying yourself up in nots trying to understand the words you were reading,

That’s if in fact you could even read,

but today you can just get your phone out and connect to the world and beyond, in fact if you have a mind too you can become an expert in many many fields in life,

Well that was no good to me back then was it, I’m not a fucking time traveler yet,

it’s too late I’d just have to go with my worldly instincts, and yes mistakes were made, so is there any wonder I didn’t marry the girl

Although I did think it a little unfair, with some of the explanative’s she used that night! How the fuck was I suppose to know which hole I had entered,

it’s not as if I was gonna check before hand,

“sorry love as I’ve not been down that kind of region since I flew out of my mothers vagina,

I thought I’d take I little expedition down there for a quick looksy, and just check out where I’m gonna stick my juicy fat man hood,

And how the fuck was I suppose to know that this is exactly what I was supposed to do! apparently it’s called foreplay,

But before any of this hanky panky thingy, there was the little matter of the courting, the getting to know each other,

the questions the answers, what’s your favourite colour? What music do you like?

Well none of this actually happened,

and I’ll explain why,

as we were entering the parlour, (that was the posh living room of the nineteen seventies that no one was aloud in,

it was purely there for your mums pleasure of cleaning it, and of course if the fucking queen visits, seriously can you believe it)

Dee straight talking, asks,”what the hell is that smell” fucking ala Carte dinner bitch! I thought that but kept it to myself “oh Jesus Christ almighty”

I cried “the fray bentos steak n ale pie“

We rushed to the kitchen but barely made it to the door before there was an almighty explosion of some kind,

and since we didn’t have ISIS or the Taliban targeting northern suburban terraced houses in those days, I can safely assume we were not under any sort of attack, so as we gingerly open the kitchen door it became quite apparent that there would be no food consumed this evening,

you see it seems the fray bentos steak ‘n’ ale pie had ended its life,

decorating the kitchen walls and ceiling, while the oven glass door had exploded and shattered and embedded pieces all over the kitchen like a mosaic, glistening like a magical kaleidoscope of shiny colours, but my reactions were on point, my mind so quick,

I swivelled in a heartbeat to face Dee and said,” how about a pot noodle then”

I think this first date is going extremely well, considering,

I mean Dee was so helpful with cleaning what I can only describe as shit , disguised as a pie from a tin,

and she never once complained about all those pesky little nicks, cuts, and scratches she had acquired to her near perfect body, whilst attempting to scrape all of the glass from the walls,

and I am positive the look she gave me when I handed her the mop, was a loving sincere wide eyed look of appreciation,

although I felt a smile would not have gone amiss at that point.

Amongst all of this flirting,

I managed to ask Dee if she would like to see my record collection,

and the response I got was music to my ears,

“I thought you would never ask” she replied “I guess you keep them in your bedroom”

with this she took me by the hand and guided me through the minefield of what once was the kitchen, and all the time I’m thinking, how I can get away with the house now being open plan?

what kind of wonderfully colourful story could I spin to my mummy, while getting away Scott free, and maybe even incorporate a reward for being so brave?

But that will be for later,

because at this moment I was otherwise engaged,

as we entered my room the aroma of the jossticks I had lit earlier in the evening engaged are senses,

but the smoke from downstairs had risen and mingled with the fruity smell of the scented sticks that gave the aroma of steak and petunia with a hint of rose water lavender and gravy,

Our eye’s reddened and puffed, then started to stream with tears, with all the smoke,

I turned to Dee to suggest that maybe I had over done it on the josssticks!

What was that look on this angels face?

was it a smile I could see through the smoke filled room?

Nope it’s definitely her knuckles as they came out of that cloud of smoke and hit my chin!

Luckily she could not hit me again, as I had hit the floor like a bag of shit,

and she could not find me through the dence smoke,

I had quickly crawled away to the window, which I had the sense to open fully,

it was then that I found my record player and pulled out the first album I got my hands on,

it hit the turn table in seconds, then the sound of the wonderful David Bowie belted out honky dory , with this I heard laughter, to my surprise this had a positive affect on the beautiful Dee,

she had full on belly laughs, and as the smoke cleared and we both caught sight of each other she collapsed next to me on the floor,

with her bloated head and eyes popping like a monk fish, me with a bruised chin bruised ego a thick lip and bloodied nose, we curled into each other’s arms

We made our way to the bed, just a single bed with blankets of course, we hadn’t heard of duvets back in the day,

the bed was just big enough for us as long as we both cuddled up to each other, and finally it was nice, it was real

and as we lay there staring into each other’s eyes, and me singing gently the words to kooks by Bowie, into my first true loves ear, and the smoke was now at last leaving the room via the open window, and with the music entranced on our souls, calm had been restored,

with that our bloodshot eyes met again , and are heads moved closer to have our first kiss, her soft ruby lips touch mine and we had our moment,

I came in a second,

Sorry joking again,

even I’m not that quick,

This was it the moment of truth

this was that time to become a man, this was when things really start to happen,

when I show her what kind of man she has before her,

the tongue goes in for the kill, I read all about the kissing in the outstanding book, how to French kiss your woman in three easy steps, by a one Mr dickhead, not the best book I had loaned out from the local library,

because it neglected to advise me that you don’t fucking close down with your teeth, while your partner has her tongue inserted half way down your throat,

Now I can tell you that there was not that much blood leaking from her mouth that night,

but would it fucking stop no it would not,

and with it being Dee’s tongue that was the recipient of the teeth incident,

it was safe to say with the blood and the swelling of her tongue it kept this feisty young lady unusually quietly,

which makes a change,

now I had to act fast I had to take her mind off of it,

so what did the book suggest now?

Oh yes top bottom and finger! I know it sounds crude but apparently it was all the rage in the seventies, just like a cuddle is today, so go with it,

The response was magnificent, go Johnny go, your onto a winner here, Dee reciprocates by gently undoing the top button of my Levi 501s I was wearing for this romantic evening,

and with a quick tug and some yoga thing with her leg and foot the 501’s are no more,

they were dispensed with at the foot of the bed, along with my boxers.

Dee your a fucking genius, the art of magic was born right there that night,

what a fucking tidy move, I learn similar techniques in years to come, on women that is,

things move on quickly now, we are both naked, and with the tongue incident well and truly behind us, we are both like octopuses now,

hands and legs everywhere, only my mind is also going ten

to the dozen, I’m out of my depth now! I’m gonna have to improvise,

my left hand drops to her midriff and I slowly search for what I am hoping is the love tunnel, and eureka I find it,

I use my hand as a guide to help me attack the right hole accurately and quickly climb-on top, all be it fairly clumsy because i slide off to the side,

but this does not stop me from an attempt of a full on thrust, I’m going at it for a good couple of minutes, when Dee opens her eyes and looks to me, and says what the fuck are you doing?

Why are you shagging the hole in the mattress between my legs?

gutted as I was at that moment , I take swift action while David Bowie sings queen bitch, And I know what he fucking means at that precise moment,

you see I take another stab at the hole which I am supposed to be aiming for, and am hoping to get it right this time,

well it is rather tight but I go with it, thrusting away like billio, this is it,

by Jove Johnny I think you’ve got it, when all of a sudden screams come fast and loud from Dee, followed by “get your fucking cock out of that hole you filthy animal,”

well that’s not the response the book claimed would happen,

I disengage, and survey the damage,

and as quick as you like, I say to Dee, how did you like that, us up north like going through the back door, and with that I am sparked out,

another right hand I think, straight on the nose,

in a daze I watch as Dee gathers her belongings and attempts to walk with dignity naked out of the room,

she did struggle to walk without looking like she had just straddled a horse,

And with the bang of the front door and a cry of “I fucking hate you, you northern freak” she was gone, my lovely stunning cockney girl. Gone.

A tad upset one thinks.

Now all in all I thought this norther lad had done a cracking little job with this dating lark,

A bit of banter a bit of dinner, a bit of excitement, a bit of northern charm, and a cock up the arse, what’s not to like, me Old cocker!

but there is just one unanswered question I needed to know?

Am I still a virgin?

Or does the back hole count,

I’m having it anyway, I think I deserved it,

so now all I’ve got to do is survive my mother’s wrath, and not die in her cross fire ,

so I can eventually find out what the front hole feels like.

Now where’s that mop?