50 poems with a cover page

I feel so wrong about you.

I feel convicted to do something about you.

I feel like something was meant to be between us,

But we jumped the gun.

And I'm scared of what we might have to do to fix it.

People tell me I can't fix what was broken between us,

But something in my heart says otherwise.

I don't know what to do with myself

I feel like it's not healthy to wait

But I should anyway.

What do you think?

I think we both have a lot to learn.

And clearly I have a lot to say,

But I still can't figure out how to say it

In a way that isn't 50 poems with a cover page.

If I came face to face with you,

My brain would probably run away

While I stuttered and smiled,

Wishing I just ignored you,

Knowing I didn't have the strength to.

I wish you weren't so silent.

So I could at least see a glimpse of what you're thinking.

Because look at me,

Five months, two heartbreaks, and a million questions later, I'm still being transparent,

While you still just watch.

I'm scared I wouldn't like what you'd have to say

Last time, I miscalculated how much I should fear you

And I'm scared of making that mistake again.

I’m scared of the man I never met.

It’s strange because I’ve displayed more strength than you have

But that doesn’t make you weak,

That makes you dangerous.

I think you have a much greater impact on me than when we still talked,

You've robbed my peace and replaced it with the nagging thought that I should do something about you.

But there's no telling what you'd do or say if I tried to fix this.

I'm scared I'll get burnt again.

I'm scared I'll break again.

And it already feels like you've broken me beyond repair.

I can't help but wait to see what happens but I'm ever so terrified of the idea that this might not be the end.

I still feel like I might love you

But I really don't think I do

Because it's so much different than what it's been before.

I do this thing a lot

Where I think to myself that you never really loved me

But then I remember that night.

You were so scared of not being loved by me that night

When you rambled your heart to me while I sat there, baffled, feeling the anxiety radiate off of you as you said what you said through your teeth.

"If you don't feel the same way I guess that makes it a lot easier"

Was that not what you said as your face contracted and went red as you clutched my cat and looked the other way?

The funny thing is, you were right.

I think you realized, right then and there, that you lost the right to not be written about.

You knew what risks you were taking

And maybe you knew the mess you would make the following week.

A week, for goodness sake.

Just one week and it all fell apart.

You fell apart and you tore me down with you.

And I'm still chasing the idea of you as if you're unworthy of me.

But I'm starting to think it's the other way around, dear.

xx.