18No lesbians, a bed another balcony, a pop star and me.

18

No lesbians, a bed, a shower another balcony, a pop star and me

1988

The band -: yazz

The song-:the only way is up

The band -: brother beyond

The song -: the harder I try

DAY DREAM

I opened my eyes and smiled gently to myself, as we flew thirty thousand feet up, across French air space, as we travelled back to Blighty after a two week lads holiday in Ibiza, and I wondered how I managed to make the flight in one piece after an exhausting fourteen day romp,

and as I closed my eyes again and drifted off to Reminisce, I was elevated to the poolside of the hotel, where the holiday really kicked of on day two.

DAY TWO

LADIE ONE

We smiled across the pool, she giggled with what I presumed were here friends, I look to my left and gave a sly wink to my good friend Chris, then I’m on my way,

I stand and with a casual stroll to the waters edge i step on to the diving board all nonchalant like, and prepare to impress the girl that at that moment only had eyes for me,

with what i would describe as a little jig and a push off with my left leg, to elevate myself for the perfect manly dive,

unfortunately I neglected to take in the surroundings and some how misjudged how wet the board was, which led to the said left foot not getting the grip it needed in that situation, thus slipping from under me and rendering my whole body to hit the board flat on my back taking the wind right out of me,

but worse was to bestow me because I had to cope with the second bounce, there’s always a second bounce I was informed by so called diving experts in the coming days (they’ll be my mates, who are always full of shite when you make a complete dick of yourself)

The second bounce lifted me just a foot or two but there was a spin which brought me down face first on the edge of the board,

cutting open the underneath of my chin, while the body from neck down had a comfortable landing in the deep end of the pool,

a milli second later I was under the water thrashing about and gulping for air, and that’s when I spotted a mermaid in the distance cutting through the water like a knife through butter,

I was grabbed under the arms by my fantasy mermaid and with a blink of an eye i was on the tiles at the edge of the pool, the mermaid looked at me with her soft brown eyes and moved here angel like face with dark brown locks hanging loosely and wet from her head to rest upon her face, downwards towards mine,

and at that moment i had fallen in love,

so when my mermaid put her lips upon mine, how the fuck was I to know she was giving me the kiss of life, so she didn’t appreciate me wrapping my arms around her waist or ramming my tongue down her throat, and let’s not mention the erection rubbing against her thigh,

hence the black eye and cut lip i received with one swift left hook from Gabrielle the life guard, and of course not a mermaid of my dreams, still pretty dam fucking hot i thought, so after i had recovered from the temporary concussion Gabrielle had given me, I asked her out,

DAY TWO

LADIE TWO

My recovery from my bruised head and ego consisted of a few drinks in the poolside bar, where I spotted the young lady that caused all this chaos in the first place, for being to fucking beautiful for me to resist showing off,

which of course ended in complete failure, but helped me land a date with a beautiful tanned dark haired brown eyed Spanish life guard, but that’s not till tomorrow,

So for the second time that day our eyes meet across the pool side bar, but this time I was hesitant to approach the girl for fear of rejection,

and after my morning antics i say that there’s a safe bet she would laugh and ridicule me with her mates watching and egging her on, so I go over anyway

and Jesse (that’s the girls name) only fucking loves me,

we have a great laugh over my antics of the morning, and plan to meet that very evening,

All togged up the boys and i are going out on the town, and with Jesse promising an end to the evening that i will never forget, i skipped out with a smile all over my face,

and with that thought running through the old brain cells, I smile and neck down the first beer of the night, followed by a cheeky flaming sambuca.

The drinks are now flowing and the girls and boys have met on the dance floor of a Nightclub,

we were all coaxed to go in by Gorgeous men and women assigned to apprehend any gullible group of foreign knob heads, with the promise of free drinks, and a night to remember, better than any night you may have remembered previously,

now this night took a slight diversion when Jesse and two of her mates, (who were snogging the faces of my mates Chris and Danny) suggested we all go for a stroll along the beach

now I’m getting the sweet smell of deja vu, because only a year or so previously I found myself in a similar situation on a beach

in Spain

With boys

with girls

all naked

In the water

Surely there would be no repeat performance, but of course there was,

the three girls taunted the three of us boys to get naked and join them in a bit of skinny dipping, and the way they pursued this request and enticed all of us into getting naked was to fucking stand there in front of us and slowly strip,

my head was spinning, my brain was on fire, and I had two mates One at either side of me, all of us naked with solid erections,

the girls stood opposite just looking us up and down, and then they were off, they turned and ran into the sea giggling, we three were close behind them, and when we had found our respective partners, we found are own peace of the ocean,

and I had no idea until later what the other boys got up to, but what i do know is that i had the most amazing sexual experience, involving water a beautiful blonde and a jellyfish

The sex was fucking out of this world, but my knob blew up to the size of a melon,

the girl seemed to enjoy this as the girl did not in the least protest,

in fact I think she was impressed by the size, but once she had finished with me she did suggest i go visit a doctor pretty dam quick,

well thank you Jesse!

We never went out together again.

DAY 2

LADY 1 FROM THE DAY 2

I met up with Gabrielle the day after the jellyfish incident, (also now known as the jelly Mellon cock affair,) at a pre arranged bar, it was just after six and tapas and sangria was on the menu, and with the conversation flowing, all be it in two different languages, the night to me seemed to be going pretty dam well, except for the well oiled tanned and ripped fucking gigalo that was our waiter for the evening, always interfering, with his chiselled looks and pearly white smile, bastard,

there was no time to waste, i knew I had to work quickly, using my boyish looks and cheeky charm, to keep this beauty out of this mans clutches,

and with a touch of quick thinking, my task for the evening was achieved, “it’s a shame he’s gay” i whispered to Gabriele while I looked and nodded towards the waiter,

I also dropped a hint that he was flirting with myself the night before,

the rage in that girls eye’s, had I gone to far? had I put our relationship in jeopardy? and what for, just for a little white lie and a touch of jealousy,

I needn’t have worried, because Gabbys next step was to drag me to the closest alley and do the most heinous of sex acts ever to be brought upon a human being, and it was a fucking eye popping experience,

We were rearranging our selves when a shout From the darkness startled us both,

and with a sense of being in danger, i managed a quick peck on the cheek and a promise of tomorrow, and with that I was on my toes once again in fear of reprisals, and with a chance look back over my right shoulder while in full flight, there he was,

the lesser spotted greasy muscle bound waiter,

The scoundrel seemed to be talking to my loved one, with that smile, showing off them perfectly straight white teeth, (they must be fucking falsies) his arm was comforting Gabrielle, it dropped lightly around her shoulder and her head resting on his chest,

well goodbye my precious mermaid

Suffice to say I never saw her again,

well I lie,

I saw her most days around the pool as she was the life guard,

although i would not think she would be in much of a hurry to save the life of one blond northern lad if he were in trouble, and in need of a mermaid rescue,

which would be so unfair as technically she was the one who fucked off with another man,

I occasionally see them together, hand in hand strolling around the local area,

DAY 5

LADY 3

day four was a seriously drunken mystery, left only to the imagination, and stories from the boys,

whether the stories are true or not they can become legendary, unlike the youth of today, where you can’t get away with anything, or embellish your story to suit you, it’s all captured!

it’s on fucking social media before you have even fucking thought it, where’s all the bragging rights gone, I’ll tell you where, up in fucking smoke,

nowadays you can follow anyone around on a night out without leaving your fucking couch,

Gone are the days you had to actually go out because you were so scared of missing anything,

now you can catch up with your mates live on line, and if you think the nights getting too fucking good without you, you simply just get your arse of the couch and meet up with the lads,

you also know what every fucker is eating, you know what cocktails are going down, you know who’s looking the worse for wear, and you can even get a running commentary on every aspect of the night

and as a man i think I’ve seen enough of women’s Toilets ( ok I’ve spent some occasions frequenting them but that’s another story) somethings have just got to be private haven’t they?

Do women live in them fucking things, because so many pictures, videos, and other shite don’t arf come out of them there toilets.

So on to day 5 when I could actually converse with human beings again, we were out once more, it was a day trip organised by one of the boys who was smitten with the holiday rep, the trip involved being coherent sober and alert, well at least for the coach ride that is,

we were headed to the mountains for a big medieval barbecue stroke festival with flamenco dancing and in the words of Chris “shit loads of women”,

Now if the coach ride was anything to go by Chris was so fucking right about a lot of women, he just did not calculate on the type of lady that a medieval banquet would attract, there was say ninety per cent women on our coach, and I would say eighty per cent of them women were over 45 years of age,

now at 23 that was a pretty big gap to form a meaningful relationship, but you have got to give it a go i suppose, and she was only 43 and so beautiful,

we clicked the moment i spilt sangria all down the fabulous white Spanish styled full length cotton dress she was wearing, and she wore it very seductively I might add, and my attempt to make amends by poring ice water down the stained dress did nothing to avert the frown that was beginning to grow on her suntanned face,

but what it did was show off her fabulous figure as the water made the dress translucent,

and at that point I maybe should not of attempted to dry her dress with the palm of my hands,

The slap was swift but not unexpected, my left cheek took the force but the smile on her face and the pull of her left hand around my back towards her distracted the pain I should have felt,

the tenderness of the kiss surprised me to the point that I felt vulnerable, but when her hand gripped mine and she pulled me, I just followed and i am so glad that I did, because the experience of an older woman has never left me, and that is where I shall leave it,

the coach ride home was sublime i was smiling in my own mind and went to bed with memories that will last a life time, I resisted joining the boys on the session that took place after the trip and just floated off into a perfect dream,

Day six was a pool day and casual drinks in the hotel and surrounding bars,nothing of substance happened and the night drifted into an early night, as we all got to bed just after midnight.

DAY 7

LADY 4

Clarity at last, the mist had lifted and my brain seems to be working at a satisfactory level without the muddying of too much alcohol, and my clear mind will keep me out of any kind of trouble with the opposite sex and any other obstacles the day may throw at me,

The boys had already gone down to the dining room for breakfast, but i was running a little late after a fantastic sleep and a long hot shower,

as I entered the massive hotel dining room situated on the floor below the reception, (whether this was the basement I have no idea, this hotel could go down and down far underground as far as I new) anyway i entered, and the noise in there was tremendously loud, the voices of a thousand human beings going at it over salami and croissants,

a hundred different launguges merging into one big fuck off noise, well it was mind blowing each time i entered this arena, I quickly scouted around the room for sight of the boys, but I just could not locate them in such a busy room,

but what i did notice was there were limited spaces at the tables,

so I decide to grab some food and find a spare chair at a table, and the table I found at the back of the room sat only two people, and the other occupant was a bleach white blonde blue eyed beautiful young lady that I’d put at around twenty years of age,

I was very polite and introduced myself and asked if i could join her, she reciprocated with a left sided nod to the chair and a left hand gesture to sit, and in a quick observation i predicted that she could be left handed just like me,

“thank you” I replied followed with “and your name is”

“Cunt” she replied rather to quickly for my liking, “what really” was my first reaction “nooo”she says “it’s runt”

not a fucking clue i was thinking, but actually said “sorry love no comprenday no understand”, I said this very slowly, and i then add, “where are you from, what language do yo speak, can you speak English”

She replies “I am fucking English you dozy twat, I’m from Birmingham you northern prick

“How clear was that wanker”

“hey now” I replied with my hands help up, palms facing to her, “now that’s some tasty language you have there for a beautiful young lady, which seemed to catch her off guard and she fell about laughing, and then in a slow drawl like I had done previously,

she says “my name is Kate and if you want a shag later you had better treat me to a good time” ( I may be slightly exaggerating here, but girls were like that in the eighties, allegedly) and with that she stuffed a sausage into her mouth and bit hard down on it

Now that definitely broke the ice, and once i mastered the brummie accent we were smitten with each other,

we spent the day by the pool together before retiring to her room, but it wasn’t till i was in her room that she told me that she was here with her family and they went on an early morning day trip to some god forsaken place somewhere in the hills,

Her family consisted of mum dad and little sister, and these people would be back around seven,

so why the fuck she didn’t mention this at any point durin the day I have no idea, maybe she likes living on the edge or likes the anticipation of being caught,

all I fucking know is we have a ninety minute window to seal our friendship, and then for us to get dressed leg it down the corridor, jump in to a lift, drop the ten floors to reception, grab a stool at the bar and pretend not to know each other,

The bedroom action is frantic and sweaty and far to long for my liking, a quick glance towards the alarm clock on the side table tells me it’s six forty five pm and time to get the fuck out of there,

Kate notices me checking out the time and starts to giggle, her eyes so wide that she looked menacing to the point I may have let a little pee, out “what the fucks up with you Kate” i say out loud in a slightly trembling voice” her reply stunned me!

“nothing at all Johnny, it’s just that clock there, is over 15 minutes slow, and finally my dad will realise I’m now all woman and not his baby anymore, she tips her head back on her pillows and folds her arms at the back of her neck and she lies their completely naked with the biggest grin on her face,

and I can tell she has no intentions of moving,

oh she looked fucking stunning, and for a second i thought about finishing off, but I’m not a fuckin idiot, and so i was dressed and out the door, and I ran down the corridor in the opposite way to the lifts, like a gray hound out of the traps, ( if you want to know it’s quite Easy to throw on a T-shirt shorts and flip flops in seconds)

I reach the end of the corridor and have just time to compose myself when I hear the ding of the lift and the doors open,

I turn and slowly stroll back towards the lift as a group of people walk towards me, within this group I notice what could be the remains of Kate’s family, and I’m right because I can see as the group disperses the family are using a key for the very door I had just escaped from some one hundred and twenty seconds ago,

I stroll past like any other tourist, but can’t resist a tip of the cap and a nod of the head as I carry on with my day and jump into the lift,

suffice to say I did not see Kate again, and I thought she could have been the one,

ah well,

I think they went home the following day,

and I do wonder if she ever became that woman she so desperately wanted to be, or is she still her daddy’s little girl I suspect she’ll always be his baby,

DAY 8 & 9

Days eight and nine were full of trips drinks and mates booze cruise’s, sunstroke and exhaustion,

I come up smelling of roses on day ten ready for anything, there has not been female’s in my life for over forty eight hours, but that is about to change I hope, as I notice a young woman looking in my direction,

Day 10

LADY 5 & 6

lets just get the record straight right now, I do not have a preference of what I like about a woman, I’m not a leg man a breast man a thin or fat kind of guy, I just like lady’s,

I get on with lady’s, and as long as they are fun and we gel, it does not matter how they look, now this statement was pushed to the limits on day ten, my mate Chris nudged me around midnight at a club I cannot remember the name of now, but we were there,

and there was a definite jab in my left ribs by the right elbow of Chris, “your in there son” he whispers, and I look up with my beer goggles on towards where he was gesturing and what I saw was another angel, a model of at least five feet ten inches,

the perfect woman long straight brunette hair, hour glass figure, teeth like piano keys (the white ones obviously) slim straight button nose, and those deep deep blue come to bed eyes with a twinkle twinkle little star in them, fuckin wow!

me and the boys had to swagger over to this group of girls, it would have been rude not to, and as we sat there exchanging light banter, it became quite clear to me that my perfect woman had no fucking interest in me at all, no it would be her mate who seemed to have the crush on this blond streaked haired cutie,

and I must say right now she was a totally different proposition altogether, she stood some 5ft 1 inch high and probably the same wide, of course there was nothing wrong with that, and there was nothing wrong with the Mohican hair cut she was modelling, she was indeed very pretty, and probably fairly heavy,

and i new deep down in my heart sometime that evening I would be finding out how heavy,

There had to be some serious drinking to be done first, which there was by both parties, and I think most of us would have a hazy head about that evening, but what I do recall next was being on top of Mohican girl and I mean on top,

which was not easy as I’m scared of heights, I then remember looking up towards a double bed where there seemed to be some sort of orgy going on, a couple of the boys were there with some of the girls and there was definitely groaning, but not from Mohican girl, I probably didn’t have it in right, but more than likely I just could not reach, either way we pleasured each other that night I’m sure,

there then was a darkness as I passed out, and as I woke daylight was sneaking in through the thread bear sheets that doubled for curtains, there were bodies everywhere, I’d check who later, but for now i desperately needed the toilet,

which is where I found a lovey young lady sat just on the edge of the bath right next to the toilet, she was wearing just a vest top nipples standing to attention, and smoking a cigarette, I gestured i needed the toilet, she gestured that i should use it, she had no intentions of giving me privacy, so the shorts dropped to the floor and I carried on, as I finished she flicked the cigarette butt into the bath, slipped out of her vest and onto me,

I don’t know what time i returned to my hotel but i slept for a good 18 hours, as it was twelve o’clock when I woke.

DAY 12

LADY 7

This was to be the last hoorah as day 13 was to be a quiet one, ready for the trip home,

We decided to start early and see how many bars we could get around before hitting the clubs,

and that’s where it happened, that’s the day i met the woman, she was so tall maybe seven ft easily, and of course she towered over me,

I was standing at the bar, trying to order a beer, obviously i was on tippy toes trying to get noticed by the bar staff when a shadowy figure engulfed me, i bent my neck back to look up above me, and towering there right behind me was a very very tall slim girl who introduced herself as yazz,

She offered to help me get the drinks in as she definitely would get noticed in a crowded room,

I managed one drink with the boys before I had to slip off,

You see yazz had indicated to me that I should meet her across the other side of the bar where she would be waiting, which she was,

I knew this because every time i lifted my eyes to her location, her eyes were fixed on me,

now this was a great situation to be in,

or this could be just a mad woman wanting to do harm to a young innocent lad, so I could potentially be placing myself in danger,

but of course i had to balance out this idea with the thought of maybe she just wants me for my body, and weighing up the pro’s and con’s on the situation, i figured the body scenario highly unlikely, but one has to try doesn’t one,

And what a fucking result, I am still alive as I open me eyes thirty thousand feet above French landscape, and as I order a drink from a cute air steward, my thoughts again drift off to the bedroom of yazz, the balcony, and the shower, and I pondered, did I just have sex in the many rooms of a pop stars apartment? Well who knows? But I believe I did.