19two stalkers & the handy neighbour

two stalkers

&

the handy neighbour.

19

1990

The band:- stone roses

The album :-the stone roses

Song:-byebye bad man

Song:-(song for my)sugar spun sister

Song :-Kinky afro

Artist:- happy Mondays

Song :- I'm free

Artist :- the soup dragons

Song :- she comes in the fall

Artist :- inspiral carpets

I once had the unwelcome affection of two ladies,

and i’m sure they were lovely ladies in their own surrounding, but the meeting of these two wonderful if not a little unbalanced ladies coincided with each other,

and let’s just say that I may have made the situation somewhat more complicated as I tried to persuade these two lovely ladies that there affections great as they were, would be best placed with another, or to put it another way, they would be better off with a deserving human being,

I am not too sure how I got myself into the situation in the first place? but situations do arise quite often in my orbit.

So short of moving away, i was not sure how I was going to get myself out of the predicament I now found myself in,

Maybe it was i myself who caused this predicament, (no, such a silly thought)

Or maybe i just happened to meet another two loon pots, maybe I was just unlucky, or maybe this is the affect I have on the opposite sex,

STALKER 1

It all started with an overdue works night out, which was planned for the last Saturday in may, and as the occupation i was in was prominently women based, i was looking forward to it,

and the situation that developed started virtually as i took my first steps aboard the boat that the gathering was being held, you see as I was climbing aboard i slipped and fell into the boat and literally into the arms of Donna,

now Donna was the managing director’s P. A, and god she was a fine woman,

She was an older woman, who I’d peg at mid to late thirties, she was very sophisticated with a straight dark bob haircut to the shoulders with fringe to boot,

her hazel eyes mascaraed to the hilt were amazing, so all in all she looked quite intimidating for a younger lad like myself, but strangely mysteriously gorgeous at the same time,

she was dressed very lady like, in a two piece suit with knee length skirt, but those boots, wow those boots,

Anyway this woman caught me like a true professional,

and in the process saved me from going arse over tit,

and thus embarrassing myself even before the party had started, So ruining any chance of an end of the evening snog, and a fumble in the jungle,

how wrong I was!

It was the first time as work colleagues Donna and I had actually had a conversation, even though we’d been in the vicinity of each other on many occasions due to work commitments,

she was very well spoken and I was your common or garden jack the lad northern geezer,

so you would think we’d have nothing in common, and you would be fucking right, absolutely fuck all, of course I did not realise that at the time, I was just hanging on her every word, and undressing her with my eyes, with thoughts of the positions we could be trying later,

if only I actually had listened to her speaking, I may have had time to fuck off, and hook up with dipsy Jane, we have been flirting with each other at work recently,

but I was in to deep now and we laughed we joked, and her barriers ( if she had any) came tumbling down,

and it seemed we did get on well, in that moment, so well in fact, she was back at my place,

totally naked,

spread eagled,

On my bed

Waiting

Panting

on my bed

Begging

for the humble me

on my bed

All before midnight,

And yes on my bed

Result!

The following morning though the lady was gone,

I was surprised I suppose that she just got up and left at some god forsaken time during the night, but I did not dwell on it,

I dragged myself up I showered, smiled to myself for the memories she had left behind, and I got on with my day, It was a Sunday afternoon pint that was on the cards,

with the group of friends I hang out with, so off to the Barley Mow i trott, (one of my locals) this one was located in the town centre, just a fifteen minute walk away,

and you will never guess, but on my way there i had a terrible shock,

I stopped in my tracks, and had to do a double take before realising I was passing the one and only Donna, yes last nights Donna,

albeit she was on the other side of the street, but she certainly spotted me by the way her face turned a brighter shade of red, the troubling thing was she was hand in hand with some bloke that i took for her dad, and there were two young girls following in her wake,

as our paths crossed from afar, i give her a cheeky wink and a smile, and carried on my way, and think nothing more of it, i while away a few lazy hours with friends in the pub,

and by late afternoon We decide to head off for some food back at mine,

My house seemed to be the hub of activities following the pub at weekends back in the day,

And as we arrived at my front door I noticed a car out of the corner of my eye, with what I can only describe as a woman trying to hard to look nonchalant,while infact she sat watching us, now at the time i thought maybe all the group were being watched, or maybe some one further up the street maybe was being watched, (i hand of course got a few pints of ale on board) so it could be just someone parking their car, and anyway the car was too far away to recognise anyone inside it,

and as you do, i just put it down to my mind playing games with me, and carried on with my day, and I never gave it another thought, that is until the morning after,

I left my house for a late shift at work just before one o’clock in the afternoon, and with yet another double take as i was walking along the street, a car passes, and I’m sure it was the car from the afternoon before, it was certainly the same colour, red, bright red,

little incidents occur that week, they play on your mind don’t they, little things you can’t explain, are you seeing things?

Did the door bell ring by itself? I’m sure i put the bin out last night, yet it’s back in the garden?

The feeling of being watched, but you know your fucking mind must be playing games,

to many fucking ales that’s what it is, so yet again you let it go.

STALKER 2

I’m sat at the bar, in the Howley pub (another local just a minute walk away from my front door) contemplating life and nursing a pint, it was a Saturday afternoon and pissing down outside, as it had been for the past three fucking years! Oh sorry three days, just seems like years,

I was in conversation with Julie the barmaid and an occasional bed partner, and on our first meeting Julie a very Shapley, very young looking forty year old lady, who’s short blond pixie style hairstyle caught my attention straight away, and had my heart a fluttering before i had time to breath,

Anyway that afternoon Julie was using me as a sounding board about her daughter Alison, and how Alison can’t find love, “she was only twenty years old for Christ sake, give the girl a chance to grow up and live a little”.( now I only thought this, i never relayed it in words to Julie)

now this is the thing, (don’t go judging,) but I kind of have a date with Alison later on in the coming week, (again I will keep this to my self)

we are going to karaoke night down at Chevvies, the cool hip place of its day,

Alison and I met when she joined me and my mates the week before, her mum was obviously behind the bar and Alison popped into the pub to see her,

well of course our eyes met, she smiled, and I got a hard on, and as they say the rest is history, and as i said I live just two hundred yards down from the Howley pub, it’s easy to see why we had to sleep together,

what else could we do,

she was keen, and i was mad for it. And so it was,

and a date was forged from the embers of our frantic love making, it was to be the following week, although after our bedroom antics, I wasn’t as keen as she seemed to be,

you see, although she was a lovely girl,

Glossy long blond hair,

overly blue eyes,

very slim,

on the verge of losing her shape altogether, i would say,

but still beauty shone from this lovely woman. but,

there’s always a but,

she already seemed very clingy,

she was to quick to call me her boyfriend and make plans, and that scared the shit out of me,

so after the karaoke night it only seemed right to use the words, let’s just be friends, Now fiends don’t slap you hard across the face and call you so many bad names using sentences with so many naughty words in them,

then grab hold of you for dear life and cry relentlessly on your shoulder,

soaking your favourite white Fred Perry T shirt with tears of fucking black mascara,

and sobbing for forgiveness? no less (Christ for what?) but you break, and you hold her tightly, and try to keep her at arm's length, you say whatever you can to stop the crying, “it’s going to be alright, i made a mistake, I wasn’t thinking straight” then you walk hand in hand back to your place and have sex till the early morning.

STALKER 1

It was the Friday after the Saturday before,

and it was my day off when I got a call from The office, which was highly unusual, I was asked if I could pop into the office that morning around 11am,

Now I’ve never been called to the office on my day off in my life, so I was suspicious if not a little intrigued, So i promptly turn up at eleven o’clock full of curiosity with a touch of apprehension thrown in for good measure, why should I be summoned to the M.Ds office

Was it because of the Tete a Tete I had with his PR?

or something totally unrelated, or I’m just being paranoid, I need not have worried though, Donna was there, and she was all alone,

the boss was away at meetings all day apparently,

and she’d sent the office juniors on errands,

with the strict instructions not to return till one o’clock

so what has the lady got in mind today?

My instinct told me to play it cool,

but when Donna did the arm sweep across her desk,

casting all the stationery adrift, and sat on the edge, leaning back with legs akimbo so I could see daylight, and uttering the words fill me up big boy, well I felt obliged to except the offer and climb aboard,

Suffice to say we had an energetic meeting, full of

aerobics, and positions that left me with scorch marks for weeks to come,

I left the office that day with a smile, a hop skip and a jump, and a promise to call her, I never did,

you see she was fun on our night out,

and dominant on our office adventure,

but I was not looking for an affair, and definitely not an affair with a married woman,

you see, she confirmed what I suspected the day we past each other in the street,

it was her husband that was hand in hand with her,

and her two daughters behind,

well in hindsight maybe I should of thought the situation through, just a phone call was maybe all it had needed before things got out of hand.

STALKER 2

I’m lying there, looking to the ceiling, with tears in my eyes, and I’m silently praying, please leave!

Well wake the fuck up first then fuck off,

please God if you do this one thing for me, surely you know I won’t ask for anything else ever again,

I’m beggin you please make this girl disappear!

just from my bed though,

not from the planet,

it’s just I want my life back,

and this woman thinks she’s married to me already,

please God do this for me or i am going to have to be brutal and go and find a cave and go into hiding, for anything up to a fucking year,

this is all going on in my head while Alison is sleeping, she is wrapped around my naked body, so I cannot escape!from my own fucking bed!Christ what was I thinking ,

please God, I promise never ever to drink again,

or at least till I’m free from these shakles, well not till Friday when I’ve a party to go to, I’ll go to soup kitchens and help the needy

I’ll go to church daily,

I’ll .. then there’s a stirring,

the tiny frame of this girl who was crying uncontrollably just the evening before begins to move, and by Christ that put the fear of God into me,

her eyes blink open so slowly, and she turns her head ever so slightly upwards to face mine,

she looks at me smilingly with her sparkly sleepy wet blue eyes, and utters the words a single man dreads first thing in the afternoon, (we slept in ok) good morning (she obviously didn’t have a watch) good morning, she repeats and with a squeeze she says god I love you John Taylor, what shall we do today!

Well you can fuck off for a start, and get a reality check! and I can go find a cave to live in for a year,

because obviously Gods gone on fucking holiday,

again this is in my head, but what I actually said was do you fancy some breakfast in bed, my thinking is I’ll be able to escape the bedroom and regroup in the kitchen to do some quick thinking,

What I actually do is quickly rustle up a make shift breakfast shout upto Alison,

and John leaves the building, and as I’m walking down the road I’m praying again, please God when you get off your fucking holiday help her to understand, and the note that I left, I think it is self explanatory,

my thinking was that face to face didn’t work, so avoidance would be a better option.

Some hours later, on my return home there’s an eerie quietness, thank God for that, peace is back in town,

and I do the thumbs up to God (I see you are back from your holiday then,)

I enter the kitchen and the breakfast I’d made for Alison was untouched,

in fact it was decorating my kitchen walls, with what looked like the whole contents of me fridge,

pure art work from a woman scorned

But in fact I don’t think she should regard herself scorned,

as my note implied we should stay friends and how lovely she was,

and she would make someone a perfect partner one day,

just not me as I’m the coward of relationships,

STALKER 1 , MAYBE

The phone begins to ring it’s three o’clock in the morning and I’ve been down to answer the bloody thing three times already! And i remember thinking i wonder what it’d be like if someone invented some sort of small hand held type phone, because I could just throw the little piece of shit across the room without getting out of bed,

so I’m now fuming and knackered decending the thirteen steps to the bottom of the stairs, just to answer a ghost phone,

and as promised, no fucker on the other end, Again!

the light bulb moment happens just as I hang up ,

I just yanked at the lead and pulled the phone from the socket and shuffled off to bed

STALKER 2 DEFINITELY

Exactly one week after Alison and I decide a relationship would not be the wises thing on the planet, I received my fifth doll!

unlike the other four this one was missing a head,

which was a step up from the others as they had no bits missing, but plenty of holes randomly stabbed around the torso,

thank god dolls don’t have manhoods!

STALKER 1, COULD BE?

The red car had returned, It is parked at the Howley pub just two hundred yards down the road, ok so it’s to far to see into, but close enough to give me the ebee gee bees,

so as I step out of my front door and off the step out into the new day, the red car revved up and started to move forward,

and with that, my ninja like instincts were brought into actions,

I spun on me heels, ran back inside the house through to the kitchen and out the back door, i shoot over the grassy verge backing onto my garden and down the ally to the next street along, this is where I drop off the pace to a nice stroll and off too start my day,

I walk to the coffee shop in the precinct where I was meeting friends, and as I order and turn to find a table, I notice sat up at the window, Donna, all alone nursing a coffee,

my mind is racing,

I was sure she was parked outside my house,

But I did walk here and she was driving

But wait, how would she know where I was going,

I arranged to meet friends here only last night, and she definitely was not fucking present!

She spots me and waves,

shit I have no choice,

but this could be my chance to end this developing story,

so i saunter over like I don’t have a care in the world,

and pull out the chair to casually sit, Of course i miss the chair and end up on my arse, with a loud bang,

the noises I make trying not to look like I missed the chair only alerts all the customers to turn and look at me,

I look up to Donna who was in hysterics, and I say “you could have caught me” it seemed to lighten the mood,

“So where was the phone call you promised me” these were the first words she said to me since our office romp, and they were not the words I was hoping to hear, so I have to think on my feet to answer quickly, “so why didn’t you just knock on my door” was my reply, you have been parked outside enough times”

she looked blankly at me as though I was speaking a foreign language,

and she was so convincing when she denied any knowledge that we ended up in bed again back at mine,

she drove us there in her red car.

STALKER 2 OR MAYBE 1

fucked if I know anymore,

I’m stood on a stool pressed against the framework of my front room window, I’m wrapped in the burgundy velvet curtain that’s hanging there, (before judging me, I was broke at the time and got the curtains from a house clearance) I let one eye drift around the curtain just enough to get a view of the street whilst staying invisible to the outside world, hidden by my invisible burgundy cloak, “Christ I was right” I whisper to myself, the red car was there again! just up the road outside the pub,

the bitch Donna lied to me, she is there, she’s there right now! and she used me, I should march right up to the car and have it out with her now, so i unravel myself from my burgundy invisibility cloak,

careful not to be seen by the outside world, just for now anyway,

my next actions will be crucial to all living at this address, which in a nut shell means me,

My simple plan is put into action, just as before I shall exit my house via the back door, why complicate things,

so I pop up to my bedroom to collect my work bag and off to work I go,

And except for a chance glance out of the bedroom window I would have taken my self into the lions den,

because sat on the grass verge just beyond my back gate is Alison, she’s just sat there crossed legged and it looks like she’s brushing the blond hair of a child’s doll!

So there it is! finally, I’m stuffed, it seems to me that I have acquired two stalkers this past month,

one is sat in a red car out the front,

and the other is sat out the back like a tiger waiting for her prey to pass by,

so I have a decision to make? which woman is the lesser of two evils,

who will take pity on me,

And my decision May well

surprise you,

Because I had a moment of clarity, a quick phone call to next door, and all was saved, well at least for one day,

the neighbours daughter answers and the plan was finalised, ❤️❤️❤️

you see, Jane (the daughter) and myself have some what of an arrangement, very casual of course, and when I explain the situation I was in, and after she’d picked herself up from the floor and changed her underwear from pissing herself with laughter, she eagerly agreed with my plan,

and with that I was up the ladders leading to the loft, and I’m like a ballet dancer floating across the beams to the deviding wall between the two houses, which is only half built up, (why I have no idea? Maybe a lathario architect decided this would be ideal for this kind of situation) so you can easily crawl over to your next door neighbours attic, which of course I swiftly did,

and there she was, with her head stuck through her loft ceiling hatch, with a torch for guidance was the lovely Jane with a big cheesy grin all over her face,

this is going to cost me big time i thought,

now jane is a lovely girl,

5ft 2 very curvy, short wild hair , and I’d say a bit of a free spirit punk if you will,

but she does have a big apitite for love making,

and as we’re great mates, it falls upon me from time to time to help the girl out,

and I have the distinct feelin this will be my payment for services rendered,

I dropped to the bedroom floor through the hatch to find Jane lying there completely naked on the bed, she gestured me over to join her, “fuck off Jane I’ve got to be at work pronto”

she just laughed her tits off and got dressed, while I undressed,

you see the next part of the plan was for me to put on one of her dresses stockings etc, a bit of slap maybe, and a head scarf,

and the two of us would leave via her front door and drive off into the sunset,

And this we did very successfully,

STALKER 1

The confrontation happened by chance, I was at the office to drop off my time sheet, when Donna accosted me in the hall way and dragged me into what I can only describe as a closet,

it was a very cosy closet indeed, we were so close to each other her breath was steaming up my eye balls, and I couldn’t help but to get aroused,

But I held my ground and I confronted her with my stalking allegations,

and ending with the afternoon of my escape,

I was not nice, and did not hold back,

and all this was said in a whisper, and with a hard on pressed up against the lady I’m accusing,

well she was furious and she fired a tirade of abuse back with accompanying spittle!

I was fucking covered in lady spit,

she ended her speech with “and I was in fucking London with the boss when you were last stalked, you jumped up little prick”

well I never, a tad over the top I thought, well i was so confused at that moment,

but was still just calm enough to ask Donna if she fancied a quickie there and then in the closet,

A knee to the bollocks (and a good shot it was at such close quarters) is what I actually got and she opened the door and left, leaving me to tumble out, balls in hand and screwed up face,

for reasons unknown she never spoke to me again, and left for pastures new within six months,

STALKER 3 REALLY?

A week had passed and I’m stalkerless, and pretty god dam upset,

I was quite getting use to all the ducking n diving,

well I didn’t have long before I would be regretting my last thoughts,

I’d spent the Friday evening propping up the bar at the Howley pub chatting to Julie, when she suggested we go back to her place after she’s finished, and as I knew Alison did not live with her mum I thought this was a splendid idea, and told her so, and as the night came to a close we grabbed a bottle of wine and walked the short distance to her house,

we got to her front door and we were you know kissing and canoodling as you do, while at the same time Julie fumbled to get the key into the lock, when I glanced up and noticed from my hazy happy drunken eyes, a red car parked on her drive, well my arse cheeks contracted together, my heart rapidly started to beat out of my chest, sweat appeared on my brow

Christ on a bike!

Is the mother and daughter in cahoots?

the front door swings open and we tumble in, still wrapped in one another’s arms, only to be faced with the demonic Alison, standing up straight, legs apart, her eyes wide and red, with tears running down her cheeks letting her mascara blacken her face so she looked like a melting witch,

steam was drifting from her ears, she was holding what look like a bloodied machete in her left hand, and a big fuck off industrial drill buzzing into life in the other,

She was laughing uncontrollably, I’m glued to the spot staring forward, the front door bangs shut and the sound of the lock being engaged echoes around my brain,

Then Alison stepped forward,

THE END OF THE STALKING

I woke early Saturday morning in my own bed, on my own dripping in sweat,

thankful I had left the nightmare I was in,

and with a fuzzy head ran through the unfortunate incident last night,

Alison was actually sat on the settee head in hands sobbing profusely, when Julie an myself fell through the door that night,

and she new all about the two of us having casual assignation,

her mother straight away comforted her, ended it with me immediately,

and asked me to leave, but before doing so I had to ask a couple of questions, the first was about the red car,

Well apparently she regularly parks her red car near the pub if she’s out an about, second I was wondering if a threesome was out of question? Well I think I’ll stay away from the Howley pub for awhile considering the look on the two girls faces,

and I think I may owe Donna an apology if I ever catch up with her, or do I?

Who did do the anonymous phone calls ?

And how did she know what places I would be frequenting?

Was it a mother daughter conspiracy

Was Donna really in London?

The only two certainties in this story are, one Alison definitely had stalker traits,

and two, never let any one know where you live. Oh and three, become a fucking priest.