What is a Narcissist What is a Narcissist by definition? No

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MARRIED TO NARCISSISTIC AND

EXPERIENCE LIVED & WITNESSED BY ME!

What is a Narcissist

What is a Narcissist by definition?

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No one you want to know or ever have to be personally involved with in any way, shape, or form is a common report from Narcissistic Abuse survivors.

Whether you are describing a person whose temperament is a little on the shallow side or you are discussing a toxic parent like a narcissistic mother or narcissistic father who sacrifices their children’s best interest in order to socially or emotionally benefit in some way or another themselves, at the core of their personality narcissistic people generally think from an egocentric perspective.

“Narcy” people tend to think about how something will impact them while giving little to no consideration for others. Always expecting to be treated like royalty, the true Narcissist seldom offers any reciprocal respect for others.

The Mayo Clinic describes NPD [clinically diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder] types as follows:

If you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle

or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may feel a sense of entitlement — and when you don’t receive special treatment, you may become impatient or angry. You may insist on having “the best” of everything — for instance, the best car, athletic club or medical care.

At the same time, you have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior. Or you may feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection.

DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include these features:

• Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance

• Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

• Exaggerating your achievements and talents

• Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate

• Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people

• Requiring constant admiration

• Having a sense of entitlement

• Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations

• Taking advantage of others to get what you want

• Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others

• Being envious of others and believing others envy you

• Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner

The Mayo Clinic also noted that while certain traits of narcissistic personality disorder may resemble charisma, that Narcissistic people do not have the same feelings of confidence that 90% of the world population would develop naturally over time if they were a success professionally or socially speaking (with regard to public fame).

Never waste time paying attention to a Narcissist. Anything you say can and will be used by them later inevitably at some point, as they are helpless to control their own impulses. Constantly ready to rumble, Narcissistic people perceive every conversation as a chance to win at someone else’s loss or expense.

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True Narcissists are in a perpetual battle to crush or dominate others.

As such, noting that there is always another human being somewhere, someplace, who is prettier, smarter, more handsome, more athletic, younger, older, richer, funnier, whatever it is that they can never seem to be able to find enough inner peace to stop aggressing others or to intellectually and emotionally process life from a non-competitive space.

Narcissists are an interesting bunch to observe or grow up around. If you are an HSP (Highly Sensitive Personality), chances are you feel more like Jane Goodall than part of the in-crowd when forced to spend time around narcissistic ring leaders and their star-struck, evil enabling Flying Monkeys.

Learning how to go “Gray Rock” around such individuals after figuring out how to identify the red flags and warning signs that a person is a Narcissist or is otherwise exhibiting traits of someone with a fundamentally egocentric personality disorder is a crucial step to recovery.

Once you successfully identify the emotional predator, steps can be taken intellectually to protect your own psyche from personalizing their caustic actions, verbal gaslighting, and/or falling prey to their attempts to psychologically and emotionally control their targeted victims.

Going no contact with a narcissistic friend, family member, peer group, or religious organization promoting entitlement thinking can be a terrifying thing to do but take heart. Almost across the board Narcissistic Abuse survivors report that after 18-24 months away from negative, undermining, and caustic people that their health, emotional sense of well-being, and clear-headed thoughts begin to return.

Expect angry Narcissists to actively engage in smear campaigning against you when and if you set healthy boundaries. If you refuse to continue to play victim in the cycle of Narcissistic abuse, it is likely to cause them to rage and lash out both publicly and covertly when you do.

Unable to control their own impulses to self protect against perceived enemies, they are likely to project all kinds of angry and ugly things about their own core nature onto you. Understand when they lie and talk smack that it is all part and parcel when dealing with a person who has a personality disorder.

The “Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse” includes reference to patterns of behavior all that Narcissistic people who are dysfunctionally egocentric by nature share.

Narcissists begin every relationship by love bombing and charming a new target. Once the target is functionally acquired and behaving devotedly star struck, loved, with their perfect person or soul mate who “gets them” (or so they think), the game [in the eyes of the Narcissist] is afoot.

The second stage of the cycle of abuse involves the Narcissist starting to play mind games with their victim. Undermining, invalidating, bullying, ridiculing, controlling, financially and emotionally abusing, and even nastier tactics to traumatize their narcissistic supply source will commence.

Expect pathological lying, blaming the victim, and gaslighting to convince the target they are oversensitive, to blame for the abusive person’s caustic actions, or somehow deserved to be abused to ensue.

After that, if a target starts to voice concern that the Narcissistic person rages, gets violent, acts in such ways that they feel frightened, or their own self-confidence starts to unravel, that is the prime moment for the Narcissist to send in their already “poisoned well” friends and family members to arrive.

What most victims of Narcissistic plots to use, abuse, then socially and emotionally destroy a victim before their eventual discard oftentimes fail to realize is that the abusive person typically has already spent days, weeks, months, and sometimes even years making up slanderous stories about their target.

In an attempt to sway people to their side while preparing for the end of the relationship, the Narcissist will tell everyone you know bizarre stories they have made up or distorted using a mix of made-up facts and partial truths to ensure anyone you might choose to confide in about their bad behavior in the future will not believe you.

The tactic of brainwashing other people into thinking their victims have some sort of mental health problem or are overreacting to minor infractions (as opposed to being brutally traumatized by an Abuser’s cruel truths) leaves victims further traumatized.

With no emotional or social network in place to help validate their experiences, victims are socially denied the right to both exist and work through the stages of grief a normal human being is allowed to do when and if they are victimized or traumatized.

This is how Narcissistic people destroy the mind, body, and spirit of those who love them most and historically show them the most care, concern, love, interest, affection, and devotion.

They will ruin your reputation by backstabbing, spreading false rumors, and will use every confidence a target shares with them to publicly embarrass, shame, or otherwise humiliate them.

For that reason, whether you are preparing to go no contact with a family member or a romantic interest, understand that the stories you hear about yourself, your nature, and the chain of events that surround any break up event is likely to be extremely hurtful. Let yourself feel the pain their abject betrayal of you causes and resist the urge to counter attack.

If you simply depersonalize whatever they say and hear “Blah Blah Blah ugly made up scapegoat target word salad nonsense” it helps the brain and body work through the embarrassment feelings that hearing malicious gossip about yourself naturally manufactures.

Narcissistic Spouse’s Cycle of Abuse

For the narcissist everyone is ultimately disposable and expendable. Since the narcissist is incapable of emotional and psychological intimacy, he/she forms “relationships” based on the ultimate need for narcissistic supplies–adulation, praise, power over others, acquisition, veneration, validation of greatness. (This post refers to male and female narcissists).

Each narcissist has his own unique style. Some are boorish, others low key appearing to be humble. The grandiose classic narcissist is highly extroverted, seizes the spotlight at every turn, exceedingly confident, continually singing his own praises at maximum volume.

All narcissists are abusive. They are self absorbed, not tuned into the needs of others, lack empathy and project their volcanic rage– especially on to their family members: spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings, etc.

There is a cycle of abuse that many narcissistic spouses engage in: Charm, Seduction, Manipulation/Exploitation, Disposal.

“Charm is an energy, a vibration, a contagious optimistic state of mind. Charm beguiles; it can seduce us to do almost anything…It is a magic elixir that sets us soaring.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) It is very difficult to say “No” to the magnetism of the narcissist. They are captivating. You feel spellbound, enchanted, taken up with them. In this first phase you are inclined to believe the narcissist and to feel that you are an integral part of his life, that this person cares deeply about you, loves you.

Narcissists are masters of seduction. They know exactly how to get under the skin, the nerves, the heart of a individual whom they have chosen. They cleverly play on our deepest needs to be wanted, worthy, important, special. We become entranced with them.

Narcissists are highly manipulative and exploitive. They are exceedingly cunning and know how to play complex cruel, calculated games with your deepest feelings. They use both charm and intimidation to get you to do and be what they want. You must be perfect like they are. They make sure you never measure up to their “standards.” When you don’t make the grade you are severely criticized. This emerges into a pattern of continually putting you down. This is done to weaken and control you and force you to doubt your perceptions. Another ploy is the emotional/psychological push/pull game. After a major blowup the narcissist claims he is sorry and says he needs you desperately. He wants you back into his life, not because he loves you but due to his need for narcissist supplies to be adored, obeyed and praised constantly. When this sequence is over, he finds a reason to get angry and throw you out of his life. Many victims of narcissistic abuse repeat this pattern over and over again, thinking that the problems arising from the relationship are their fault.

“Dismissal (disposal) arrives as surely as thunder follows lightening…By this time you are not even an imprint on his mind. He has moved on to his next glorious quest…Like a speck of swirling dust, the memory of you as a unique individual and the positive magnitude of your good deeds dissolve into the atmosphere as if they never existed.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). You no longer fit into the narcissist’s grandiose sense of himself. You have not sufficiently fulfilled the overwhelming needs that this person has for you to be perfect, obedient, ever-loving (regardless of his dark cruelties) and available 24/7.

Stop this cycle of narcissistic abuse by leaving the narcissist with your plan to regain your sense of a strong authentic self. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand these fixed personality traits that are uninclined to change.

Along with this learning, acknowledge and feel deeply the wonderful unique lovely individual that you are. Walk forward. Rest. Restore. Recover. Renew.

Come home to yourself!

Why Do Narcissists Abuse Those They Love?

How to understand and predict narcissistic abuse.

Source: Africa Studio// THEROCK

One of the most difficult things to understand in life is how someone who professes to love you can then go on to abuse you. People feel traumatized and confused after a romantic relationship with an abusive narcissistic partner ends. They wonder, “We were so in love, yet he went from telling me that I was the love of his life to treating me like garbage. He cheated on me. He devalued me. He embarrassed me in front of our friends. How can I trust anyone again, if I so badly misjudged this person?”

Anyone who has been abused by a narcissistic partner may wonder how they could have made such a big mistake — and how they can avoid making it again in the future.

The good news is that most people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are very predictable. They tend to follow the same relationship pattern again and again. And, contrary to common perceptions about narcissists, most are not especially devious. Narcissists continually signal that they are narcissists. You can learn to recognize the early signs that a new partner is a narcissist by paying close attention to how they behave toward you at each stage of your relationship. Then it is up to you to decide if you want to continue.

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Why do Narcissistic Spouse Cheat ?

Narcissists cheat on their spouses, commit adultery and have extramarital affairs and liaisons for a variety of reasons which reflect disparate psychodynamic processes:

1. In the quest for narcissistic supply, the somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests.

2. Narcissists are easily bored (they have a low boredom threshold) and they have a low tolerance for boredom. Sexual dalliances alleviate this nagging and frustrating ennui.

3. Narcissists maintain an island and focus of stability in their life, but all the other dimensions of their existence are chaotic, unstable, and unpredictable. This "twister" formation serves many emotional needs which I expound upon elsewhere. Thus, a narcissist may be a model employee and pursue a career path over decades even as he cheats on his wife and fritters their savings away.

4. Narcissists feel superior and important and so entitled to be above the law and to engage in behaviors that are frowned upon and considered socially unacceptable in others. They reject and vehemently resent all limitations and conditions placed upon them by their partners. They act on their impulses and desires unencumbered by social conventions and strictures.

5. Marriage, monogamy, and child-bearing and rearing are common activities that characterize the average person. The narcissist feels robbed of his uniqueness by these pursuits and coerced into the relationship and into roles - such as a husband and a father - that reduce him to the lowest of common denominators. This narcissistic injury leads him to rebel and reassert his superiority and specialness by maintaining extramarital affairs.

6. Narcissists are control freaks. Having a relationship implies a give-and-take and a train of compromises which the narcissist acutely interprets to mean a loss of control over his life. To reassert control, the narcissist initiates other relationships in which he dictates the terms of engagement (love affairs).

7. Narcissists are terrified of intimacy. Their behavior is best characterized as an approach-avoidance repetition complex. Adultery is an excellent tool in the attempt to retard intimacy and resort to a less threatening mode of interaction.

Narcissists, Sex, & the No-Preference Wor

When it comes to narcissists and sex, we have to understand that the narcissist has no preference in who they fuck. No preference at all. In fact, a narcissist lives in a world of no-preference where he/she finds something fuckable in everybody. Once we understand and accept this, we see clearly that the problem isn’t us and that no amount of great sex that we have as a couple is ever going to change it. Yes, my friends, no back flip, triple sow-cow, or handspring cartwheel on our part will ever secure us as his preference over anything – ever. It’s simply not going to happen.

As I’ve explained before, my ex narc and I had amazing, over-the-top sex each and every time for 13-years straight. We even enjoyed a round of great sex on that very last day four years ago – the day that he walked out and basically never came back. For most of the years up until that point, it was this awesome sex phenomenon that caused me the greatest confusion. How can we have such terrific sex yet I still can’t kick the feeling that if the opportunity arises to fuck someone else, he’ll take it? It just doesn’t make any sense.

The truth, however, is that it does make sense. In fact, it makes perfect sense when you really examine how a narcissist thinks about relationships and about people in general. A normal person in a normal relationship is usually attracted to a certain type of person. This could mean that, for a guy, he likes blondes or brunettes or girls with big boobs or no boobs or whatever. For a girl, it could mean she likes men who are tall or who have an athletic build. The partners of these people usually come pretty damn close to matching that preference and we can assume that if and when these people choose to cheat, the person that they cheat with is going to match that preference as well. If we’re involved with these “normal” people, we assume that if our partner cheats this “other” person is going to look…well…kinda like us, right? This is simply how it normally works and there’s no rocket science involved.

The narcissist, on the other hand, has no preference at all as to who he hangs out with. This is why we’re always shocked when we actually get a look at who it is they cheat on us with or who the partner is of a married narcissist. I hear it day in and day out and I went through it myself. In my mind, the other woman or whomever he would triangulate me with must certainly at least look like me or dress like me but that was never the case. At first, the discovery would make me feel better. As time passed, however, I became mortified as it slowly dawned on me that he had no preference at all. Suddenly, everyone everywhere was a threat! Tall, short, fat, skinny, blonde, or brunette…everywhere I looked, I saw competition. Yet, the great sex continued and I imagined it as the almighty connection that would always keep us together. Wrong again.

The fact that the narcissist has no preference may also lead us to wonder (ever so quietly) if the narcissist perhaps swings both ways. All the homophobic rhetoric that a narcissist spews whenever necessary and when the subject arises suddenly means nothing. In fact, the more rhetoric my ex spewed about this gay guy or that gay guy or some sexual fetish or deviance, the more suspicious I became. All at once, I would put nothing past him. Not that he would EVER admit to such a thing or that I ever really had a reason to think that…it was just a feeling I got every once in awhile when he would disappear and there was no other girl to be found. I’ve come to believe that, because the typical narc would never admit to this particular behavior or take chances on being caught, narcissists who are curious about swinging both ways or periodically even do it, will go underground to places we’d never even think to look for them – let alone find them – in order to get it done.

My thinking is that narcissists don’t have preferences because they don’t feel loyalty and attachment. They simply don’t care about anything in particular. This is why they can swing both ways upside down and backwards without blinking an eye. This is why a narcissistic partner will leave you to go live or hang out in a place that is far beneath what you have to offer. One woman I spoke to was shocked that her narcissistic husband would leave her and the children and their beautiful home only to shack up with some girl in a trailer on the worst side of town. My ex did the same thing. He’d disappear from my upscale apartment in the mountains and two weeks later I’d find him living at a No-Tell Motel looking perfectly smug and comfortable. This is mind-boggling narcissistic behavior that only proves that a narcissist does not and will never know what he has no matter how good it is. He simply doesn’t care either way.

Narcissists are sexual opportunists who see the world as filled to the brim with opportunities and they’re always looking. We just happen to have been an opportunity that, for whatever reason, stuck after the initial encounter. And hell – since the narc has no preference whether we stay or go – he might as well let us hang around! This is indifference on a very grand scale yet, as is loving partner, we refuse to see it for what it is. Nothing is normal about any of it! To think that we can keep these people happy with love, comfort and great sex is our biggest misstep in the relationship and it will inevitably be our demise

Now, the good news – and yes there IS good news – out of all this is that the narcissist’s infidelity and no-preference behavior has nothing to do with us and we can walk away from the whole mess blame-free. We don’t have to worry what the new girl has that we don’t or why we weren’t good enough or if the narcissist is truly happy now because none of that matters! And because nothing matters, we don’t even have to forgive this person – he doesn’t deserve it.

As I always say, since the narcissist admits to nothing, we have to be confident in the truth that we know and go forth. Make no mistake about it – there is a world of people out there that appreciate everything about you!

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Narcissists and Sex: Why Anything Goes…

Narcissistic partners will inevitably – and without fail – use the sex within the relationship to control their victims. Whether the sex is controlled via withholding, controlling the when and the how often, or just by making it so good that it becomes addictive depends upon the type of narcissist we’re dealing with and how this narcissist has chosen to carry out his/her pathological relationship agenda.

In my case, the sex was great for the entire twelve years that the narcissist and I were together. It just was. In fact, to this day, the sex is still the single thing about the relationship that I miss. He marveled at it, I marveled at it, and without a doubt, it kept us both interested even during the times when he was being his most horrible self. One of his catch phrases went something like “If two people can be together this long and still have great sex, we must be destined to grow old together”. Yeah…right. That phrase would have been truer had it been “If two people can be together this long and one of them isn’t a narcissist….” because, when it comes to the sex, the fact that one partner is an N changes absolutely everything.

The truth about narcissists and sex is that anything goes and that, unfortunately, means it matters nothow great your sex life is together or how loving your N appears to be with you in bed or how perfectly your bodies meld together naked. He will still cheat on you with anyone and everyone, he will still be fascinated with weirder than weird porn, and he will still create profiles on dating sites. As good as the sex is, you may even wonder, from time to scary time, if your N is perhaps bisexual or maybe “curious” about it – even while he’s acting homophobic! To a narcissist, sex means both nothing and everything.

On the one hand, because the N can’t feel love or true affection – and certainly lacks the capacity for commitment – the sex between the two of you (that you cherish) means absolutely nothing to him. Zero. Zilch. On the other hand, sex happens to be one of the only ways that certain narcissists (like my ex) can connect to anyone at all and, so, the more sex with a wider variety of people, the better the rush! In the end, when it finally dawned on me that my partner was good in bed only because he’d been practicing outside of the relationship and not because he felt any connection to me, I was completely devastated. I felt tricked. And, deep down, I still fucking hate him for that.

Narcissists like my ex use addictive sex to snag, keep, and eventually devalue their victims. At some point during our relationship (and probably the first time he cheated), my ex discovered his Ace in the Hole. Wow – this is easy. I can be good in bed with anyone and that means more supply for me. Let the games begin! And so, apparently, is exactly what he did.

You see, it’s the narcissist’s job to know how we work. Long before we’ve ever learned how to read the narcissist, he’s got us all figured out. The narcissist knows that if the sex is consistently good, it’s likely we’ll allow it to override the bad stuff. In other words, the sex becomes the narcissist’s benefit of the doubt for everything he’s done, is doing, and even plans to do. One time, during a break-up that I actually initiated, the N sent me an email that was very telling: Thanks a lot for putting me on the streets, bitch. No problem. There’s someone I can stay with and all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear. You’ve given me no choice. Really? Little did I know that when angry, even the most pathological of liars will blurt out some truth. Later, of course, my ex swore up and down that there was no one and that he’d only been trying to push buttons but that one sentence…. all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear… stuck in my head. During yet another “break-up”, I received a text stating, You suck. I can’t believe I wasted all my sex on you all these years. Excuse me? Did he just say wasted all my sex on you ? What the hell does that even mean? Who talks like that? Slowly but surely, it became painfully clear to me how he truly felt about all that wonderful sex we were having. Our love was indeed a lie.

Now, there are other types of narcissists who use the withholding of sex to get what they want from a victim partner. This, I believe, is the most common form of narcissistic sexual control. My ex, of course, was not one of these types of narcissists. Not only did he never withhold sex, he had no problem requesting it no matter what the situation. In the middle of a fight…right after screaming how much he hated my guts…after cheating on me and getting caught red handed…after smacking me hard across the head as he liked to do…..after literally threatening to put a bullet in my head (if he only had a gun)….and then suddenly Uh, could we stop fighting for a minute and just fuck? To be honest, most of the time I jumped at the chance for an easy (if not demoralizing) way to peace and – what the hell – I knew it would be good! But there were other times as well where I just couldn’t do it and I’d demand to know how he could. “How can you think it’s okay to ask for sex after what you just said to me??” I’d ask, sobbing. His typical matter-of-fact response was to simply lay down on the bed and pat the area beside him. No words…no smiles…just that patting gesture that I unfortunately knew could lead to something I wanted. Other times, he’d respond with nothing but a blank stare. How does what I just said have anything to do with having sex right now? I don’t get it. Towards the end, when I knew that, as good as the sex was, he didn’t really feel anything, as soon as we finished I would just cry. He was clearly beginning to use the sex that he knew that I loved to actually devalue me before each discard. I became very confused and he was as empty inside as empty can be.

In relationships where sex is withheld by the narcissist, victims will often admit that the sex itself – when it finally happens – is not necessarily even that good. The dynamic of the narcissistic manipulation becomes a matter of victims becoming desperate for what they can’t have and the narcissist knowing it. The “reward” of a sexual encounter is then deliberately timed for maximum narcissistic impact such as the end of a silent treatment or after being caught with someone else, or after vanishing off the face of the earth and then reappearing out-of-the-blue. Again, for the victim, the sex becomes thecodependency to hope ….the connection to peace with the N…just as it did for me. The sex becomes our connection – the only connection – between us and the narcissist that feels anything like love at all. And because the N is such a good pretender, we accept this love at face value and sadly settle for the crumbs. How sad is that? @deanna Abuseda

Every day, from the stats of visitors that visit this blog, I find an abundance of search terms/phrases that include the words narcissism and sex. This is very telling to me about what weighs heavily on the minds of readers. In this article, I hope I have appropriately shared what I think happens to us in our quest to be loved by a person who can never love us. Even though we see the signs of a narcissistic personality, we don’t want to give up. We still want this person to love us back even after discovering that, because he’s a narcissist, he doesn’t even know what love is….even after discovering that his entire life is ruled by a pathological relationship agenda and he’s okay with that….even after realizing that our pain and suffering is his reward for a job well done.

The time for recovery from narcissist abuse is now, my friends. If you are here reading, you have most likely come to the end of the line. Educate yourself and understand what you are dealing with. Remove yourself from the manipulated reality and begin to build the wonderful life that you deserve.

Cheating Narcissists & Why Great Sex with You Changes Nothing

The narcissist will cheat no matter how great your sex life is together and no matter how willing you are to fulfill his every fantasy – and that’s a fact. Furthermore, if you, as the victim partner, behave like I did and refuse to wrap your head around this fact even after you discover that he’s a narcissist, you are setting yourself up for a the biggest fall of your life because inevitably, you will have to accept the horrible truth and it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine.

I’m telling you now, right here, as the point of this article, that it is better to understand and accept the truth about “narcissists and sex” as soon after the “a-ha” moment as humanly possible so that you can get on with the process of recovering from the pain. For those of you who don’t consider sex to be the biggest connection you have to your narcissist, this advice still applies because no doubt you’ve amped up the sex in hopes that it will nip the cheating in the bud if you now give him what he wants…but it won’t. My point is that it just doesn’t matter whether the sex is good/great now (before you catch him cheating) or whether the sex becomes good/great later (after you catch him cheating). The motherfucker is going to cheat either way and no matter what he tells you. To “get this” you have to slither inside the twisted mind of the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and, believe me, I have and now I’m here to try to explain to you why he does it.

The narcissist, from day one, never intends to be loyal to you. In fact, loyalty never occurs to him at all until you bring it up the very first time and then his solution is to simply lie about it. It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t understand that normal people, for the most part, do not condone infidelity, it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life (and especially from relationship to relationship) getting what he wants

So, from day one, even though you two have awesome sex together (and he seductively reminds you of this fact on a daily basis), he’s still going to crawl into bed with whomever he wants and he going to have a great time doing it andthere’s nothing you can do to change it. Moreover, while he’s cheating, the narcissist is also busy managing down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can actually disappear and reappear at will with nary a consequence because you’d much rather have him back – cheater that he is – rather than suffer the anxiety you feel while he’s gone. And besides, you can’t seem to ever really prove he’s cheating, right? So…well…maybe, then, it’s possible he really isn’t? Nope, sorry…there’s no chance of that but it’s exactlywhat he wants you to think and how he wants you to feel and this is how he’s able to get away with it.

My ex and I had really, really great sex for all the years we were together. And, although he treated me like shit and subjected me to unexpected, hurtful silent treatments every chance he could, disappearing like Houdini and reappearing with ridiculous alibis, I counted on the quality of our sex life to keep him from straying farther than our love connection allowed. Because I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else but him no matter how we were getting along, I stupidly assumed that, even in all of his awfulness, he ultimately would miss the sex and come back to me. Now, I’m sure that many times this is exactly what happened but little did I know that he had plenty to compare me to in the interim. It wasn’t until I caught the bastard red handed that I had to face the fact and even then I stayed because, as narcissists will do when caught the first time, he convinced me that once was enough and he’d never do it again. The truth, however, is this: the first time we catch the narcissist cheating is never the first time that it happened and it definitely won’t be the last time it ever does. For the narcissist, he’s happy to lie because that means he gets to still have the great sex while he hunts around for better.

Each and every single time that you are discarded or subjected to a silent treatment, the narcissist is cheating. He feels completely entitled to do this and this is why he gets soooooo angry when he gets caught or called out on his deceitful behavior. This is why he twists and manipulates the confrontation until you find yourself apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though it was he who cheated! How many of you reading this have apologized….maybe even begged for forgiveness…after catching him in yet another fucking lie? Think about how ridiculous that is. Normal people that we love do not make us feel that way. Once, exasperated at my inability to stop crying as I repeatedly asked “Why? Why? How could you cheat on me?, my ex finally threw his hands up and screamed “Because I didn’t think it was any big deal, that’s why!!!!!” Ahhhhh…finally, he told me a truth.

I know it hurts, sisters and brothers, and I understand that when we really love someone, the sex becomes a very special connection. Under normal circumstances, this connection can play a big role in the monogamy of the relationship. Under normal circumstances, a great sex life is a bonus simply because normal couples in love really do prefer to just fuck ONLY one another. Narcissists are incapable of feeling this connection but are more than happy to lie about it in order to appear normal and keep you (and all the others) as narcissistic supply. The narcissistic behavior of seduce and discard is part the process of trauma bonding. To be free of this demonic partner, we have to accept this fact, forget about finding closure, go no contact, and move on with our lives even though the pain is deep. We have to put away our jealousy of his newest partner because he WILL do the same to her as well. He’s not sad over his “lack of” emotion towards sex at all because he knows he’s really good at faking it. The Narcissistic Lie is his solution to Lack at all times.

Why Are Narcissists Prone to Being Abusive?

When people have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, two things interact to predispose them to be abusive:

1. They are low on emotional empathy.

Emotional empathy is the capacity to feel what another person is feeling (or what you imagine the person is feeling). Having emotional empathy decreases the likelihood that you will want to hurt others, because you will literally feel some of their pain. Without emotional empathy, you have less motivation to pay attention to the pain that your words and actions cause a partner.

Narcissists can have “intellectual empathy” without emotional empathy. Intellectual empathy is the ability to cognitively understand that you are causing another person pain. It requires that you stop and think about what the other person might feel in response to your actions. Narcissists, therefore, can understand that they may be causing someone pain, but they have less motivation to care because they are not feeling anything negative themselves.

2. They lack “whole object relations” and “object constancy.”

One of the main reasons that people abuse others whom they profess to love is that they lack whole object relations and object constancy. Briefly defined: “Whole object relations is the capacity to see oneself and other people in an integrated and realistic way as having a mix of good and bad qualities, some that you like and others that you dislike." If you have whole object relations, you can accept that someone is not perfect and still value that person for the positive qualities he or she has. “Object constancy” is the ability to maintain your positive emotional connection to someone whom you care about while you are feeling angry, frustrated, disappointed, or hurt by that person. Object constancy helps you rein in your impulses to hurt someone during a fight. Lacking it makes people more willing to emotionally and physically damage their mate.

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[NOTE: Not all people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are equally abusive. Narcissists range from those who put you on a pedestal and then verbally devalue you when they realize you are not the perfect being that they expected you to be, to people who physically abuse their mates and try and control their every move — who they can see, what they can spend money on, how often they can speak to their family, etc.]

The Three Stages of the Narcissistic Relationship Abuse Pattern

Although there are narcissists who are “players” and not looking for a serious, long-term relationship, many with narcissistic disorders do want to settle down and get married. Unfortunately, because they lack whole object relations, they tend to be unrealistic about what they expect in a mate. They perceive two categories: perfect and flawed.

Perfect = You are pleasing me right now.

Flawed = You are doing something that I do not like right now.

As a result, instead of finding the perfect relationship that they crave, narcissists end up repeating what I call the Narcissist Relationship Abuse Pattern. Each stage has its own form of narcissistic abuse that you can learn to spot.

STAGE 1: Chasing the Unicorn

In the beginning, you seem like that rarest of imaginary creatures, the unicorn. They love everything about you; even your flaws seem like endearing idiosyncrasies. Narcissists are extremists with no middle ground. When they first find you attractive, they are likely to idealize you and believe that you are the perfect mate for them. At last they have found someone who will never disappoint them. They give chase and pursue you with attention, gifts, texts, flattery, and anything else they think will help prove their total devotion. In this stage, while you are slightly out of reach, and they have not yet sealed the deal, they are totally focused on convincing you to give them a chance to prove their love. Some narcissists just repeat the “Chase Stage” over and over with different people, because they really do not know how to have an actual relationship with someone they have “caught.”

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Abuse Pattern

After spending an enormous amount of time, energy, and sometimes money trying to convince you of their devotion, your pursuer immediately loses interest in you once you stop running. You are left feeling disappointed and bewildered that this person who said he wanted you so much has now “ghosted” you, and will not even answer your texts.

Predictors of Abuse

• The over-the-top nature of their chase is a signal that they are unrealistic.

Unlike most people, who want to gradually get to know a person before they make commitments about the future, narcissists may try to engage you in planning your future together after your first date. They may start talking about all the places that they want to take you on vacation, or even how many children the two of you could have together and where they should go to school.

• They worship the ground that you walk on.

This may sound like a good sign, but it's not: What goes up, must come down. This degree of idealization is actually a sign that they are not seeing the real you at all. Instead, they are simply projecting a fantasy onto you. The real you is not perfect and is certainly unlikely to fit every item on their wish list. Once they discover that you are not exactly like their fantasy, they may be resentful and disappointed. If you are lucky, they will simply disappear from your life at this point.

• All their former lovers ended up disappointing them.

However they describe their former lovers and mates is how they are likely to eventually describe you. If they are perpetually disappointed in people, it says more about them than about those people. If you ask why their previous relationships did not work out, and they tell you that they found out their lovers were very different than they first seemed, this is a sign that you too will be described that way one day.

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STAGE 2: The Construction Project

Once you are “caught,” narcissistic lovers start to relax and enjoy your company. Now that they have time to take a good look at you, they slowly begin to notice little things about you that they think detract from your perfection. Your idiosyncrasies no longer seem so adorable; now they are flaws. At this point that you can start to recognize the signs that this person may be a narcissist.

Abuse Pattern

Narcissistic lovers start suggesting ways that you should change “for your own good”: “If only you would do your hair differently/work out more/wear sexier (or less sexy) clothing, you would be even better. Don’t you want to be better?” “Don’t you want to please me?” Think of this stage as “The Construction Project,” because they keep suggesting ways to renovate you.

Predictor of Abuse

How they deal with their disappointment and react to your "no." Many people discover that a new lover is not as perfect as they first believed and are disappointed; this is quite normal. What differentiates normal disappointment from narcissistic disappointment is how they react to you saying “no” to their suggestions.

• Normal Disappointment: They would love you to make slight changes to please them, but if you really don't want to, they can accept that without devaluing you or losing interest in you. They may occasionally bring up the topic again, but they more or less gracefully make peace with the idea that you will not give them everything that they want. They also accept that you are a separate person and have a right to your own ideas.

• Narcissistic Disappointment: They cannot understand why you would want to stay the way you are. When you resist their suggestions, they feel insulted — as if you have criticized them, not the other way around. They become angry, want to punish you, and may begin to get nasty. They start picking fights with you about every little thing you do that they do not like. The ratio of compliments to devaluing comments shifts. You find yourself starting to wonder: “What happened to the person I fell in love with?”

STAGE 3: Devaluation

Abuse Pattern

One day, you wake up and realize that the compliments have stopped, and all you are hearing is criticism.

Predictors of Abuse

The criticisms are no longer phrased politely as suggestions. They are outright insults: “You look like a clown in that.” “I hate that scent you are wearing. When did you become such an old man?” Eventually, the insults go public. One day, you are out with friends, and your beloved not only starts criticizing you in front of them, but to them in front of you.

The verbal abuse escalates until it is the main way your partner speaks to you. Your wishes are ignored, and you are treated cruelly. The fights escalate into screaming matches, and you find yourself yelling or crying hysterically. You may be physically abused in some other way as well; unless you can find a way to put a stop to it, this will become your life.

Stop the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse and Win

Narcissistic abuse is often generational. It is not genetic. Studies have not shown that there is a genetic marker for this severe personality disorder. However, with many individuals there is a destructive cycle of repetition that occurs. From narcissistic mother to narcissistic husband–from narcissistic parents to narcissistic wife–from narcissistic siblings to narcissistic spouse. There are many other combinations and permutations of these painful psychological patterns.

Having a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficulty psychological legacy you can have. You grew up without a parent who was capable of love, who blamed you for everything that went wrong (according to them) who undermined your taking initiative for yourself, who dismissed your feelings, even made fun of them and told you that you were weak and even crazy. You had a brother or sister who was venerated and adored because he or she was being groomed to be the family star–the chosen one–a young lord or lady of the manor. You were not even second best. In some cases when the narcissistic rage went out of control you were a punching bag–in some instances, literally.

After leaving this house of desolation you found someone you loved. You were swept up by the charm, the energy, the attention you were getting from this special man. It was like a fantasy that had come true. He was too good to be true but you were going for it. Sometimes early–for others late–into the marriage you recognized that you were married to a narcissistic personality. After years of suffering under his bubbling rage, outrageous demands and threats, lies and multiple cruelties, you divorce the guy. He doesn’t make it easy but you walk away to re-establish your life. Some of those who leave the narcissist benefit from excellent psychotherapy. If you decide to take this route be sure to do all of your homework. There are a some narcissistic psychotherapists who are out there for the money, even individuals who collect retainers in advance. Working with a strong therapeutic alliance with a gifted therapist can help you through the transition to becoming a person on your own again. Even if you have had a solid career throughout the marriage, there are adjustments to be made in your new role of running your own life completely without the narcissistic baggage. Give yourself credit for stopping the cycle of narcissistic abuse you have endured all of your life starting with the narcissistic parent. When past memories come to the surface especially those from childhood , be kind to yourself and recognize there and then that you are not to blame for having a narcissistic parent and that you were ripe to marry a narcissist. Let go of this past—do not let it hinder you.

Energize yourself in the new life you have chosen. No one can ever tell you how to lead your life again. You have won. Now use all of your creative gifts to the max and beyond. You will find friends and a support group of those who are not living in delusion like the narcissists. When you meet a narcissist you will recognize him/her immediately. Keep your distance—you know what they are all about–Using you to get what they want. Your life is different now. Some of those who prevail send out the message to others that they too can be free without excuses or guilt. Rev up your intellectual and creative engines. You are rediscovering your real self.

Eight Mental Abuse Tactics Narcissists Use on Spouses

If you have clients who are intentionally exploited by their spouses; endure regular insults and rejection, alternating with affirmation; and feel manipulated into doing or saying something out of character, then they might be experiencing abuse.

Abuse is not just physical. There are many other forms of abuse, such as sexual, financial, emotional, mental, and verbal. While some of the other forms of abuse are obvious, mental abuse by a narcissist can be difficult to spot.

It starts simply with a casual comment about anything: color of the wall, dishes in the sink, or the car needing maintenance. The remark is taken out of context by the narcissist to mean that their spouse disapproves of them in some way. She tries to explain that wasn’t her intention, but they are off on a tirade, which ends in your client feeling like she is losing her mind.

How did this happen? Here are several favorite narcissistic mental abuse tactics:

1. Rage – This is an intense, furious anger that comes out of nowhere, usually over nothing (remember the wire hanger scene from the movie “Mommie Dearest”). It startles and shocks the victim into compliance or silence.

2. Gaslighting – Narcissistic mental abusers lie about the past, making their victim doubt her memory, perception, and sanity. They claim and give evidence of her past wrong behavior further causing doubt. She might even begin to question what she said a minute ago.

3. The Stare – This is an intense stare with no feeling behind it. It is designed to scare a victim into submission, and is frequently mixed with the silent treatment.

4. Silent Treatment – Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they lets their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even though she isn’t to blame. This is to modify her behavior. They also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.

5. Projection – They dump their issues onto their victim as if she were the one doing it. For instance, narcissistic mental abusers may accuse their spouse of lying when they have lied. Or they make her feel guilty when he is really guilty. This creates confusion.

6. Twisting – When narcissistic spouses are confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.

7. Manipulation – A favorite manipulation tactic is for the narcissist to make their spouse fear the worst, such as abandonment, infidelity, or rejection. Then they refute it and ask her for something she normally would reply with “No.” This is a control tactic to get her to agree to do something she wouldn’t.

8. Victim Card – When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.

You can teach your clients to memorize these maneuvers, remain silent when they are being used, and end the conversation as soon as possible. This will keep them from being a victim of mental abuse.

Note: This article is written about a narcisstic husband married to a woman but the reverse is also equally valid.

5 Sneaky Things Narcissists Do To Take Advantage Of You

In popular culture, the term “narcissistic” is thrown about quite loosely, usually referring to vanity and self-absorption. This reduces narcissism to a common quality that everyone possesses and downplays the symptoms demonstrated by people with the actual disorder. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different.

People who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder or those who have traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder can operate in extremely manipulative ways within the context of intimate relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy, and their tendency to be interpersonally exploitative. Although I will be focusing on narcissistic abusers in this post, due to the overlap of symptoms in these two disorders, this can potentially apply to interactions with those who have ASPD to an extent.

It’s important in any kind of relationship that we learn to identify the red flags when interacting with people who display malignant narcissism and/or antisocial traits, so we can better protect ourselves from exploitation and abuse, set appropriate boundaries with others, and make informed decisions about who we keep in our lives. Understanding the nature of these toxic interactions and how they affect us has an enormous impact on our ability to engage in self-care.

Watch out for the following covert manipulation tactics when you’re dating someone or in any other kind of relationship:

1. The Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Phase

Narcissists and those with antisocial traits tend to subject romantic partners through three phases within a relationship. The idealization phase (which often happens most strongly during the early stages of dating or a relationship) consists of putting you on a pedestal, making you the center of his/her world, being in contact with you frequently, and showering you with flattery and praise. You are convinced that the narcissist can’t live without you and that you’ve met your soulmate. Be wary of: constant texting, shallow flattery and wanting to be around you at all times. This is a technique known as “love-bombing” and it is how most victims get sucked in: they are flattered by the constant attention they get from the narcissist. You may be fooled into thinking that this means a narcissist is truly interested in you, when in fact, he or she is interested in making you dependent on their constant praise and attention.

The devaluation phase is subsequent to this idealization phase, and this is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticizing you, covertly and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, stonewalling you, emotionally withdrawing from you and giving you the silent treatment when you’ve failed to meet their extreme “standards.” Since the “hot” aspect of this phase relies on intermittent reinforcement in which the narcissist gives you inconsistent spurts of the idealization phase throughout, you become convinced that perhaps you are at fault and you can “control” the narcissist’s reactions.

You are mislead into thinking that if you just learn not to be so “needy” or “clingy,” the narcissist will reward you with the loving behavior he or she demonstrated in the beginning. These are words that narcissists often use to demean victims when abuse victims mourn the loss of the idealization phase or react normally to being provoked. It’s a way to maintain control over your legitimate emotional reactions to their stonewalling, emotional withdrawal and inconsistency.

Unfortunately, it is during the devaluation phase that a narcissist’s true self shows itself. You have to understand that the man or woman in the beginning of the relationship never truly existed. The true colors are only now beginning to show, so it will be a struggle as you attempt to reconcile the image that the narcissist presented to you with his or her current behavior.

Even though the narcissist can be quite possessive and jealous over you, since he or she views you as an object and a source of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is prone to projecting this behavior onto you. The narcissist makes you seem like the needy one as you react to his or her withdrawal and withholding patterns even though the expectations of frequent contact were established early on in the relationship by the narcissist himself.

During the discard phase, the narcissist abandons his or her victim in the most horrific, demeaning way possible to convince the victim that he or she is worthless. This could range from: leaving the victim for another lover, humiliating the victim in public, blatantly ignoring the partner for a long period of time, being physically aggressive and a whole range of other demeaning behaviors to communicate to the victim that he or she is no longer important.

Although “normal” relationships can end in a similar this manner as well, the difference is that the narcissist often makes it clear he or she intends to hurt you by giving you the silent treatment, spreading rumors about you, cheating on you, insulting you and disrespecting you during the discard phase. Unlike “normal” partners, they ensure that you never have closure, and if you decide to leave them, they might decide to stalk you to show that they still have control.

2. Gaslighting.

While healthy relationships have room for respectful disagreement and consideration of one’s feelings, with the narcissist, gaslighting and constant emotional invalidation become the norm. Gaslighting is a technique abusers use to convince you that your perception of the abuse is inaccurate. During the devaluation and discard phases, the narcissist will often invalidate and criticize your emotions, and displace any blame of his or her abuse as your fault. Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place.

Narcissists are masters of making you doubt yourself and the abuse. This is why victims so often suffer even after the ending of a relationship with a narcissist, because the emotional invalidation they received from the narcissist made them feel powerless in their agency and perceptions. This self-doubt enables them to stay within abusive relationships even when it’s clear that the relationship is a toxic one, because they are led to mistrust their own instincts and interpretations of events.

3. Smear campaigns.

Narcissists keep harems because they love to have their egos stroked and they need constant validation from the outside world to confirm their grandiose sense of self-importance and fulfill their need for excessive admiration. This is why they are clever chameleons who are also people-pleasers, morphing into whatever personality suits them in situations with different types of people to get what they want.

Beware of people who seem to shape-shift suddenly before your eyes into different personas — this is a red flag that they are not authentic in their interactions with you and others. It is no surprise, then, that the narcissist will probably begin a smear campaign against you not too long after the discard phase, in order to paint you as the unstable one, and that this is usually successful with the narcissist’s support network which also tends to consist of other narcissists, people-pleasers, empaths, as well as people who are easily charmed.

This smear campaign is used to accomplish three things: 1) it depicts you as the abuser or unstable person and deflects your accusations of abuse; 2) it provokes you into responding, thus proving your instability to others when trying to argue his or her depiction of you; and 3) serves as a hoovering technique in which the narcissist seeks to pull you back into the trauma of the relationship as you struggle to reconcile the rumors about you with who you actually are by speaking out against the accusations.

The only way to not get pulled into this tactic is by going full No Contact with both the narcissist and his or her harem.

4. Triangulation.

Healthy relationships thrive on security; unhealthy ones are filled with provocation, uncertainty and infidelity. Narcissists like to manufacture love triangles and bring in the opinions of others to validate their point of view. They do this to an excessive extent in order to play puppeteer to your emotions. In the book Psychopath Free by Peace, the method of triangulation is discussed as a popular way the narcissist maintains control over your emotions. Triangulation consists of bringing the presence of another person into the dynamic of the relationship, whether it be an ex-lover, a current mistress, a relative, or a complete stranger.

This triangulation can take place over social media, in person, or even through the narcissist’s own verbal accounts of the other woman or man. The narcissist relies on jealousy as a powerful emotion that can cause you to compete for his or her affections, so provocative statements like “I wish you’d be more like her,” or “He wants me back into his life, I don’t know what to do” are designed to trigger the abuse victim into competing and feeling insecure about his or her position in the narcissist’s life.

Unlike healthy relationships where jealousy is communicated and dealt with in a productive manner, the narcissist will belittle your feelings and continue inappropriate flirtations and affairs without a second thought. Triangulation is the way the narcissist maintains control and keeps you in check — you’re so busy competing for his or her attention that you’re less likely to be focusing on the red flags within the relationship or looking for ways to get out of the relationship.

5. The false self and the true self.

The narcissist hides behind the armor of a “false self,” a construct of qualities and traits that he or she usually presents to the outside world to gain admiration and attention. Due to this armor, you are unlikely to comprehend the full extent of a narcissist’s inhumanity and lack of empathy until you are in the discard phase. This can make it difficult to pinpoint who the narcissistic abuser truly is – the sweet, charming and seemingly remorseful person that appears shortly after the abuse, or the abusive partner who ridicules, invalidates and belittles you on a daily basis?

You suffer a great deal of cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile the illusion the narcissist first presented to you with the tormenting behaviors he or she subjects you to. In order to cope with this cognitive dissonance, you might blame yourself for his or her abusive behavior and attempt to “improve” yourself when you have done nothing wrong, just to uphold your belief in the narcissist’s false self during the devaluation phase.

During the discard phase, the narcissist reveals the true self and you get a glimpse of the abuser that was lurking within all along. You bear witness to his or her cold, callous indifference as you are discarded. This is as close you will ever get to seeing the narcissist’s true self.

The manipulative, conniving charm that existed in the beginning is no more — instead, it is replaced by the genuine contempt that the narcissist felt for you all along. See, narcissists don’t truly feel empathy for others – so during the discard phase, they often feel absolutely nothing for you except the excitement of having exhausted another source of supply. You were just another source of narcissistic supply, so do not fool yourself into thinking that the magical connection that existed in the beginning was in any way real. It was an illusion, much like the identity of the narcissist was an illusion.

It is time to pick up the pieces, go No Contact, heal, and move forward. You were not only a victim of narcissistic abuse, but a survivor. Owning this dual status as both victim and survivor permits you to own your agency after the abuse and to live the life you were meant to lead — one filled with self-care,

5 Sneaky Things Narcissists Do To Take Advantage Of You

August 6th 2014

Watch out for the following covert manipulation tactics when you’re dating someone or in any other kind of relationship:

1. The Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Phase

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The Narcissistic & Iby THEROCK 2017/18

BASED ON TRUE EXPERIENCE

2. Gaslighting.

3. Smear campaigns.

The only way to not get pulled into this tactic is by going full No Contact with both the narcissist and his or her harem.

4. Triangulation.

5 Sneaky Things Narcissists Do To Take Advantage Of You

Watch out for the following covert manipulation tactics when you’re dating someone or in any other kind of relationship:

1. The Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Phase

2. Gaslighting.

3. Smear campaigns.

The only way to not get pulled into this tactic is by going full No Contact with both the narcissist and his or her harem.

4. Triangulation.

5. The false self and the true self.

How the Married Narcissist Plays His Victims

The narcissist who is married is probably the most prolific of all the other narcissists because of the game he has ultimately chosen to play. Indeed, the married narcissist can live in suburbia with the wife and kids and, at the same time, carry on one or more relationships outside of the marriage without appearing the least bit stressed about it. His abilities to lie on-the-fly, to convince all partners (including the spouse) that his intentions are always on the up-and-up, and to be, seemingly, in two places at once are unsurpassed and put him at a pathological level above the typical narcissist.

Through my phone consultations and correspondence with both women and men, I have been able to make the following observations:

1. A married narcissist will typically – but not always – be an online predator so that he can keep the extramarital affairs long-distance. He will have profiles on numerous dating sites that give his relationship status as either divorced or separated (when he, obviously, is neither).

2. A married narcissist typically – but not always – will be a high-level narcissist, meaning that he is a narcissist with a good job and usually a good deal of money. At the very least, he is self-sufficient. I call this the 5-Star Deception. Having money makes it much easier for the narcissist to carry on multiple affairs or one that’s long-term without tipping off the wife. He may have a job that requires that he often travel out of town (and even out of the country) on a regular basis. Having money also means he can quickly book vacations or send flowers and/or extravagant gifts to appease the lover should she become disenchanted with the narcissist’s mind-boggling and hurtful behaviors. He may even play the most devious version of The Cell Phone Game and have two phones – one for each of his deceitful lives.

3. A married narcissist always love-bombs his target more intensely than the typical narcissist simply because he’s under more of a time constraint. The sooner he hooks her, the less chance that finding out he’s still married will cause her to leave the relationship. Like any other narcissist, the end game is always to get away with the ruse – any ruse – for as long as he possibly can. Some women have been involved with married narcissists as the mistress for as long or nearly as long as the narcissist has been married.

4. The target of a married narcissist may not initially suspect that this new guy is married because of his ability to spend so much time with her. After all, how can a guy be married and still be able to hop on the next plane out at the drop of a hat? OR how can he be married if he’s able to take off for a week to the Caribbean without appearing the least bit stressed about it? OR how can he be married if we’re always on the phone together? Because the narcissist compartmentalizes every aspect of his pathetic life, he can be completely stress-free with whomever he’s with!

5. A narcissist marries for many reasons but the biggest reasons are that being married to a wonderful woman is good for appearances and it makes him feel (for a second) as if he’s actually a normal guy. The novelty wears off, however, and quick. That being said, the narcissist is rarely willing to give the marriage up because he feels justified in having both! After all, if all it takes to keep the ruse afloat on either side is to tell a few lies…well, shit! That’s easy! Don’t ever forget…a narcissist’s entire life is all about what he can get away with day to day.

When the long-term, already-hooked mistress/target finds out about the marriage (and she always does), the N will likely explain that he was just in the process of filing for divorce when they met but the affair simply distracted him. Now that she knows, he’ll get right on that! He’ll spew his narcissistic word garbage, insisting that the marriage is one of convenience only (“We haven’t slept together in years!”) and that his wife is a psycho who cheats on him and he’s been working with a lawyer to make sure she doesn’t take him for a ride. The truth is that the wife is living the same life as the mistress…a life full of suspicions, silent treatments, and some incredible (but obviously believable) future-faking. If the narcissist is especially pathological, he may even, just for fun, deliberately triangulate one woman with the other.

What I find particularly distressing are the stories where the married N actually convinces a long-distance lover to move to the city where he’s lives under the premise that a divorce is imminent (which it never is) or that he’s already divorced or that he’s now separated. The truth is that the wife has probably caught on or, at the very least, suspects there’s a lover and the move, for him, is for convenience only because he can no longer just hop on a plane. I’ve heard from countless women who’ve moved clear across country – and even across continents – at the narcissist’s request only to be given the silent treatment immediately upon arrival. A married narcissist will even deliberately target a married woman, convincing her to leave her husband for the new relationship and then disappearing himself soon after.

Interestingly enough, 99.9999% of the women that write to me who are involved with a married narcissist adamantly insist that they never – not in a million years – would have ever thought they’d be involved with a married man or cheat on their own husbands. It simply wasn’t part of their nature. Moreover, in as much as it causes them heartache to know she exists, not a single one has ever really bashed the wife. Why? Because deep down anyone involved with a narcissist knows that this guy is a fucking liar wherever he goes and to whomever he’s with at the moment. Typically, whether you experience the relationship as a wife or as a mistress, you eventually come to understand that the “other woman” is just like you

So, for those who wonder why a mistress or wife continues to stay with the narcissist knowing what she knows, the answer is that the narcissist is the same person to each! He lies with the same believability and makes the same promises and will insist to one that the other is a psycho that he just can’t seem to get rid of…..it goes on and on. Both the wife and the lover are victims and in both cases, the victim wants to believe that this person that they love is telling the truth. It’s a codependency to hope that will get us in trouble almost every time.

Now, to be clear, this article isn’t about the married partner who has been monogamous for ten years and then fucks up and is sorry for it. While I certainly don’t condone that behavior, I have to make clear that there’s a difference. As we all know, narcissism isn’t about just one single behavior…it’s about many, many behaviors. We come to recognize these behaviors as narcissistic tactic- and this is why those who suspect that their lover or husband is a narcissist are always right. If he is with you, you can guarantee that there is some woman somewhere getting the silent treatment. The married narcissist is very good at what he does or he wouldn’t be a married narcissist!

A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering) When Love is Lie !

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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.

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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.

For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2)not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible

Whichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.

For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run. Of course he never admitted to this, but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.

Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hooveringwould begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?

If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hooversand/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakeryand downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.

No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.

It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness. I, for one, know you can do it!

Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

Letting Go of the Narcissist = Releasing the Past ( based on my personal experience)

By THEROCK

THEROCK’s Blog, TheNarcissisticPersonality.com

To begin to let go of the narcissist, we must release the past and choose to live in the here and now. This, my friends, is the only answer to the (heart) aches and pains that we feel after it finally ends with our narcissistic partner. There was nothing we could have ever done, no love we could have ever shown, and no words we could have ever spoken to this person that would have ever made a difference in the outcome. It’s hard to accept and sadder than sad – I know. But it is what it is and life simply has to go on.

About an hour ago, I was actually on the fence about what to focus on for my next post. Then, I went to my email and found this from Daily OM as my horoscope for the day:

Release the Past

You may notice mood swings today that may be due to memories from the past. There could be many emotional triggers that leave you feeling uncertain about how to handle various situations. You might feel that the past is more present to you than the present and that your ways of dealing with what arises doesn’t reflect who you are but rather who you were. Today would be a good time to become aware of these triggers and remind yourself that the past cannot hurt you. Should you feel that your thoughts about what happened previously affect your frame of mind, you can gently tell yourself that they have no power over you now. You might even repeat to yourself, “I am here in the now.” You could find that this helps you live more in the present and could help lighten your mood.

Reminding ourselves that the past holds no sway over us allows us to live in the present moment. It is easy for us to define ourselves and our actions based on either our past experiences, moods, or defense mechanisms. However, when we consciously bring ourselves into the now, our problems with the past dissipate. We see that there is very little in the present that threatens us and that the only thing in life we can change is our minds—we can’t change anything about the past. By releasing the power the past has over you today, you will discover the sweet wonders that await you in the present.

Wow. I instantly had to share this with you because it speaks of the one powerful Universal magic (solution) that actually has the potential to fix us once and for all…to take away our heartache forever…to fade the narcissist (and all his evilness) into total oblivion. It is the magic that makes a narcissist’s silent treatment our best friend and cognitive dissonance a figment of our imagination. It is the magic that instantly creates the closure from the narcissist that we’ve been searching for. And this magic (solution), if we so choose to believe, is right at our fingertips all of the time.

It is the power of the here and now…the power of the present moment. If we live in the here and now….if we choose to be mindful (no matter how hard it appears to be to do it) of only this moment and nothing else….if we practice this every day and especially each time a memory of the narcissist (good or bad) invades our thinking, we can finally detach from the pain. We can experience the pain, acknowledge it, and let it go. The here and now is the foundation for No Contact.

Because the truth is that in this very moment the N has no bearing on your life. In this very moment, he does not exist because he is not with you. It’s easy to maintain the No Contact Rule with someone who doesn’t exist! And the past…well, it’s the past…and the past (yesterday, last month, last year…) can not touch you in this very moment. It is behind you and you, therefore, must release it. Releasing the past is the logical thing to do – and you simply can’t argue with logic.

That which is behind you can not hurt you, my friend. Let your heart not be troubled. Believe in this and you too will become free. It will happen, I promise you.

Co-Parenting With a Narcissist (& the Agony of Defeat)

The only thing harder than breaking up/going No Contact with a narcissist is breaking up/going No Contact with a narc who also happens to be your baby daddy/momma. Based on the countless emails and comments that I receive from victims (both male AND female) who struggle to co-parent with a narcissist ex, it’s clear to me that there are no easy solutions. In fact, up until I began to write this post, I was beginning to fear that perhaps there were nosolutions but this answer simply wasn’t acceptable to me. How am I supposed to help if there are no solutions? So, I gave the subject a good deal of thought and decided tom put a slightly different spin on this very unique co-parenting scenario. Ultimately, what I decided was that co-parenting with a narcissistic ex AND having a peaceful life can happen because it must and that the Agony of Defeat was not insurmountable.

Can a Narcissist love his/her children?

This is the big question, of course, and I believe that the answer to that is ‘no’ – at least not in the way normal people love their children. In fact, it’s not even close. The truth is that a narcissist can no more love his or her children than he or she can love a partner, friend, family member, or anyone else. I’ve never seen it happen. I’ve never read about it happening. I’ve never heard about it happening. It’s just not possible. An N is an N is an N. If history showed that even the slightest possibility existed that narcissists could, in fact, love their own children, I’d be tempted to think that narcissism perhaps was fixable. But there is no history any where that does this…no history, that is, that is based in fact and not in wishful thinking. No, narcissists do not and can not ‘love’ their children.

Now, having said that, do not be misled into thinking that narcissists do not find their children useful under certain circumstances because…oh yeah…they most certainly do. In fact, the N who is a combination “ex-partner” and “co-parent” has the luxury of circulating, surviving, and thriving at levels of evil far beyond that of the typical narcissistic asshole. The narcissist co-parent is indeed a SuperPower in his own right! Yes, he/she who holds this coveted position is awarded the type of false entitlements that a single non-parent narcissist only dreams about. And for the victim partner who wants to get away, a break-up with this narcissist superpower appears too often to be a hopeless situation…a brand new narcissistic show of chaos that promises to be far more damaging than the first, second, and third. And, this time, it is the children who get bumped to the top of the N’s hit list.

Is it possible to go No Contact with a narcissist co-parent?

No, not in the way that No Contact was originally intended. Victims who want/need the torture to stop but still have to deal with co-parenting issues are left to their own devices without a single one of the privileges that many other victims may take for granted. As a victim who co-parents, how do you block a phone number, move away, refuse to answer the door, blow off the in-laws, and so forth when children are involved? You can’t. How do you flat out refuse to communicate with a parent that the children (bless their hearts) have been duped into loving? How do you deal with the fact that the narcissist talks shit about you to the kids and you can’t even defend yourself (because you choose to do the right thing and stay quiet)?

Because the N is not a normal human, he/she is going to use the children as a narcissistic tacticand weapon of choice to cut you to the very bone. Since the N has no conscience, dragging the children into the dirt is nothing but a thing and the easiest way to hurt you. The N will use every excuse in the book pertaining to the children to intrude upon your new life. At some point, the narcissist may even threaten you – either with CPS or by saying that he simply won’t be bringing them back. Granted, the latter scenario isn’t likely because a typical N honestly can’t be bothered (but the thought is nonetheless horrifying since you know the boundaries that this person will cross both in court and out). Sadly, you will now have to watch the torture that was your relationship played out towards the children. Since the narcissist (again, male or female) can no longer Idolize, Devalue, & Discard you, he will turn his pathological relationship agenda upon the children. It’s likely he/she will make plans with the children and then not show up. The N may promise to call and then conveniently forget – for days, weeks, or longer. He/she may even miss holidays altogether, choosing instead to be with a “new” ‘victim’ family and partner. He will relish the thought that even now, with the relationship being over, he can still continue to torture you by torturing the children. And since the children, at least while they’re young, tend to love a narcissist parent unconditionally no matter how neglectful and indifferent he/she may be, the N ultimately gets nearly a life time to make sure you are never happy again!

So, what is the answer?

The answer, first, is to know that the relationship between you and the N is over. At this point, despite how he appears to others, you already know the type of parent that he really is and must proceed to use this information to (for once) serve your own purpose. How much time did the N really spend with the children anyway? Narcissists are historically not doting fathers and mothers or even participating fathers and mothers. Over and over, I hear stories of narcissists walking out just weeks after a child is born. Silent treatments!! Can you imagine that?? Silent treatments when there’s an infant and new mother at home? I hear about narcissists who walk out just days before Christmas, leaving the children with not the slightest idea where daddy went. This may not be exactly the case with your ex-N but I bet its close. Use this knowledge to your advantage. You are a good person. He is not.

As a co-parent with an N, you, too, must strive to be a SuperPower! You must develop thicker skin than you ever thought possible so that every nasty comment he throws your way rolls off your back. You must be able to take an emotional beating without anyone being the wiser. You have to learn to detach, detach, detach and commit, commit, commit to setting boundaries and making rules of engagement. Communication, if possible, should be limited to text, email, and the sporadic phone call…and it must onlyconcern sensible/reasonable issues about the children (and, really, how many of those can there be that have to involve the N?). Above all else, do your best to react to nothing (the point of the N’s game, after all, is to make YOU the psycho co-parent) unless it’s life threatening to the children and even then pay no attention to him/her specifically.

Do not worry about and/or feed into the enormous amount of trash-talking going on behind your back. In fact, say nothing and simply observe, allowing the N to talk trash about mommy (or daddy) all day long if he/she wants to. Sit quietly on the sidelines while the pathetic narcissist digs his own parental grave – and he will dig it because he just won’t be able to help himself. Take comfort in the fact that children are strong, resilient, and smart. They will grow up one day and see the narcissist parent for what he/she is and you will come out the winner. The mask always slips and that’s a fact.

From co-parenting with a narcissist, nothing good ever comes… this we already know so where else can we really go but up? You must believe in your heart that no matter how hurtful the narcissist is or how evil his intention, you are still free! The relationship is over. You may now look upon the Narcissist as nothing more than an annoying sperm donor and treat him accordingly. He deserves nothing less, nothing more. For years, the narcissist has been methodically managing down your expectations...preparing for this very day….setting the stage for this break-up because he knew it would come…it had to come. The narcissist co-parent counts on the fact that his passive-aggressive conditioning of your responses to his words and behaviors has stuck and that you still fear what he coulddo, might do, will do. He counts on his control in this situation and your emotional fragility. The fact that he gets to use the kids against you is just an added bonus!

Turn it around by having no more fear. It’s time to up the ante.

First, if the narcissist has a girlfriend, tell him you want to be communicative with her about the children. Now, the N will hate this but that’s too bad. Normal couples in normal break-ups speak to “the others” all the time. In fact, you should simply refuse to send the kids unless you at least get to speak to her on the phone for five detached minutes about Suzie’s sort throat. If you show that you’re willing and actually prefer to communicate with the OW, the N is likely to begin behaving immediately to ensure this never happens – and that’s fine too (it’s what we want). I’d be willing to bet that, within a short amount of time, the narcissist will begin to back out completely since the fun of making you suffer will have been taken out of the equation. Using this particular communication twist clearly sends a message to the N that says: I don’t care about you anymore.

Do not allow fear to keep you from being free. You have to let it all go (narcissist included). Do not let your emotions rule your actions. You can still initiate and implement your own version of No Contact with the narcissist co-parent. You can still move on with your life. Chances are high that if you show indifference, detachment, and a refusal to play the game on his terms in any way, the narcissist will do what he has always done and vanish anyway. The children will still grow up to be wonderful people. In the end, you – as the co-parenting ex victim – will be stronger than any of us who have embarked on this journey. Your decision to end it with the N despite the fact that you have children together will always be the right decision.

I tip my hat to you, sisters and brothers. It’s going to be a challenge but I know you can do it. Change your perspective and change your life. Do not let the N twist the rules of the game to serve his/her own purpose. Allow no more manipulation because that part of your life is over!! Don’t allow the co-parenting dilemma to become an excuse to stay connected with the N. Instead, beat the co-parent narcissist at his/her own game by playing by the rules. You can win. I know you can!

SEASON 3

Co-parenting With a Narcissist 101, Part I

In many ways, co-parenting with a narcissist ex can be a far more crippling experience than the experience of the relationship itself. Given that we are now finally apart from this person, the fact that we have to continue to suffer simply because we have a child together is a frustrating dynamic. I speak with people every day who are beside themselves trying to co-parent (in a civil manner) while dealing with the continual narcissistic chaos. I believe there is a way to deal with this and it involves (what I think) is a simple 5-step strategy (coming soon in Part II) that starts first with understanding the following 3-point summary of what the narcissist is doing and why he is doing it.

Okay…so check it out….

1) Narcissists don’t change. This being true, why do we expect that co-parenting with a narcissist is ever going to be easy? We already know that a narcissist can no more love his or her children any more than they can love a partner so there isn’t a reason on this earth why we should expect miracles. It is the narcissist’s job on this planet to make us miserable and co-parenting is the perfect opportunity to continue the legacy. The fact that we become so exasperated at the way the narcissist behaves is mind-boggling. The very fact that you are FREE from this person as a “partner” is the key to your power. Understand this and prepare to stay in control as a co-parent.

2) To a narcissist, co-parenting is all about bullying and intimidation. From the moment you become separated, the intimidation factor – in essence, the fearfactor – becomes the weapon of choice for narcs, both male and female. My son’s dad (not the narcissist of my books yet, in so many ways, worse) thrived on making me anxious about everything and I allowed him to do this for years. Whether it was the anxiety of never knowing where my ex was living and thus, where my son would be staying during visitation or the frustration of never being able to make my own plans because of visitation no-shows and last minute cancellations, I was always on the edge of my seat. And circling above me like a dark cloud was always the ever-present and not-so-thinly veiled threat that he would take my son from me forever as punishment for divorcing him. This particular fear paralyzed me, as a mother, from ever standing up for myself but it took one pinnacle experience where I stood my ground for me to realize that the power had been mine all along.

One summer during a weekend visitation, my ex called to tell me that his grandfather had died and that he wanted my son to fly with him to Oregon for the funeral. Because he actually seemed civil – and because this would mean a week or more of extra FREEDOM – I gave the go ahead. They would leave at 11am the next morning so there would be no time to talk again and he would call me from Oregon. I spoke to my son, told him how much I love him, hung up the phone, and called my then-boyfriend to get the party started!

Fast forward to the next morning and there I was sleeping like a baby in my boyfriend’s bed when suddenly I sat straight up. I kid you not, a voice from somewhere, clear as a bell, had whispered in my ear, “he’s not coming back”, waking me right out of a dead sleep. It was so real, the hair on my neck stood straight up. The time was exactly 9:15am and all I knew was that I had to get to that airport fast. Suddenly everything about this Oregon trip felt very wrong and no reassurance from the cute guy lying next to me could change it. I still remember the crazed drive to the airport as I pounded my fists against the steering wheel. I couldn’t get there fast enough.

Mind you, this was before everyone had cell phones so calling my ex was not an option. However, this being 4 years before 9/11, I was able to head straight through security for a boarding gate interception. Thankfully, my ex was late, giving me plenty of time to formulate a plan and calm down but this never happened. It was a quiet Sunday morning at the Tucson airport and the more I thought about my ex’s possible intention, the more anxious I became and the stranger I looked. Slowly but surely I began to draw attention to myself. Within just minutes of my arrival, four cops – three male and one female – appeared from behind and approached me. I became fairly hysterical but still managed to share my kidnapping theory behind the trip. I produced the court paper stating that I had primary physical custody just as my ex came running up the concourse, carrying my son and a briefcase. The plane was now boarding and the fight was on.

Now, just prior to my ex’s arrival, the cops were doing everything to calm me down. For the most part, they were trying to get me to give in, to allow him to go on the trip because he was, after all, my son’s father and perhaps kidnapping was not his intention. Even the female cop appeared to agree, making me cry even harder. How could she not understand? Strangely enough, my ex, although obviously shocked to see me there with the police, seemed to know exactly what was happening because he didn’t ask a single question. Instead, he just dropped to his knees and, true to his dramatic self, started begging me to let him go. It was a very odd scene, leaving the three male cops sympathetically speechless and the terminal as quiet as a church. The female cop, however, after about five minutes of this, had an entirely different take on my ex’s behavior. She turned to me and, out of earshot of the male cops, quietly whispered, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” That’s all I needed to hear. I grabbed my son and refused to let them board.

To make a long story short, the police, after separating us to get both sides of the story, were finally able to convince me to let them catch the next flight, assuring me that, because he was in the military, if he didn’t return, they’d know exactly where to find him. They had gone through his briefcase, getting me the address of his relatives in Oregon and other bits of information (including his elusive local address) and I suddenly felt comfortable. Had kidnapping my son been my ex’s intention? I’ll never know that. What I do know is that, even after the police left the scene, he never tried to convince me otherwise as we sat in awkward silence waiting for the next plane. For the first time since the divorce, I had shown some balls. After he and my son returned from Oregon, my ex never again tried to intimidate me during visitation. His hatred for me remained clear but he knew that when it came to me and my kid, all bets were off.

3) For a narc, co-parenting is never about the kids (so get this through your head). It’s always going to be all about YOU. Narcissists love to pretend that they are just the best parents in the whole wide world even though they were barely parents at all while you were together and even though even now, while pretending, they still can’t make it happen. They go on and on about visitation and how they should have more of it and then they simply don’t show up. They’ll quiz you unmercifully about who you’re dating at the same time that they’re moving a new lover into their apartment. The co-parenting rules that apply to you never apply to them and, even with a court order, they seem to make them up as they go along. Why does this happen? Because co-parenting is all about YOU and has absolutely nothing to do with the children, that’s why.

The children become mere pawns of the game….a tool by which the narcissist can punish you for either daring to get out of the relationship or for daring to survive the fact that he or she got out first. In order to understand why they act the way that they do in a co-parenting situation, you must accept that nothing they do represents undying love for their children. No matter what they say or how much they push the lie, if you know this, you can learn to live with it and actually have a life of your own.

We can’t control the behaviors of these creatures but we can certainly control our reactions to all of it. In this, we have total control.

Co-Parenting With a Narcissist 101, Part 2

In Part I of this series about co-parenting with a narcissist, I discussed the simple facts of sharing children with someone who has a narcissistic personality. I explained that, no matter what, the situation is never going to be, for the narcissist, about the well-being of the children. It’s always going to be about you. Once you understand this, all of the mind-boggling behaviors and all of the chaos he/she continues to create will suddenly make perfect sense. Strangely enough, knowing it’s really about you is the very thing that can give you all the power. Do not let this fact intimidate you at all. As the normal parent, this is where you gain the control.

While there’s no magical formula for dealing with a narcissistic co-parent, the process to follow to take to keep your sanity throughout (see below) are, in and of themselves, fairly simple. This process may even seem too simple to you but in order to thwart the narcissist’s obviously nefarious intentions in co-parenting, simple is what it takes and, in fact, is how we need to keep it so that you and the children can live peacefully.

Here is my five-step process for keeping the control while co-parenting with a narcissist:

1. Keep all verbal communication (in person and on the phone) to a maximum of ten minutes and no more. There is nothing that the narcissist co-parent has to say to you or you to them that cannot be said in ten minutes. If you have to keep one eye on your watch, do it and don’t be afraid to let this other person know that the time is ticking away so he/she better make it good. Then, when the time is up, hang up or walk away. Of course, if the conversation is unusually civil and sweet, then, by all means, finish the conversation but don’t fall for the ruse. Ultimately, it’s all about what they can get away with.

2. Keep all verbal communication between the two of you about the child only and only if it’s necessary information. Moreover, you have to be the judge of what is necessary and what isn’t and then be confident in your decision. This tip goes hand in hand with the first tip above. All communication – even if absolutely necessary – should be ten minutes maximum and no more. Give them a second more and the conversation is guaranteed to take an ugly turn.

3. No matter what is being said, practice showing only detachment and indifference. Show the narc no emotion whatsoever even if it kills you. Shut the door and then beat the wall if you have to but don’t let the narcissist ruffle your feathers. This is what a narcissist co-parent obviously likes to do. It is, in fact, the intention. My thought here is that we can fake any emotion (or, rather, non-emotion) for ten minutes, know what I mean? At the same time that you’re training the narcissist to see that he/she doesn’t have the same crazy effect on you as before, you will be re-training your own brain via practice to understand the same thing. In other words, fake it ‘till you make it.

4. Document everything…even if the interaction is a good one. Ten minutes of conversation at a shot is easy to keep track of. Keep a journal/notebook handy at all times OR use that parent website where every interaction such as email or text can be recorded and where the courts have access to see it all if need be. Sometimes we have to take this route when one partner is completely uncooperative. From what I hear, narcissists absolutely hate this website because they are basically forced to be civil. The truth is that, for the most part, they can’t help but be bastards and once it’s logged in, there’s no changing it. As the normal parent, this is also a vehicle for showing the court how civil you really are even when faced with nasty responses.

5. Be the best parent that you can be when you have your child…she/he will grow up knowing that you did your best and that the other parent was the monster with the smear campaign. I wrote an article about debunking the smear campaign which lends itself to what we’re talking about. Whatever you do (and no matter how hard it is), don’t talk shit about the narcissist in front of your children ever – even if you know the narcissist is doing a job on you behind your back. Your only concern is what your children/child hears coming out of your mouth. This is the only thing that you can control…do you understand this? The children will grow up knowing the difference. I guarantee it!

It goes without saying that, like everything else in life, this process needs to be practiced to become perfect. This process is all about you standing up for yourself and refusing to give in to the narcissist’s absurdity. If you mess up sometimes and engage in a screaming match, don’t beat yourself up…simply do better the next time. Many people have followed the steps and come away successful and you can to. It gets easier as time passes because the narcissist becomes trained accordingly.

Now that the relationship is finally over, there isn’t a reason in hell why you still have to suffer. Take control, stay calm, show detachment and indifference just ten minutes at a time, and watch how the environment suddenly changes. You and your children deserve to be happy – and it is that happiness – at least from an emotional standpoint – over which you really do have total control.

Anybody Seen My Closure? (Part I)

Maintaining no contact with a narcissistic ex would become instantly easier if we’d just admit that our need for closure is really about us wanting revenge.

Certainly, I understand as well as anyone that, in narcissist recovery, the act of agonizing over the lack of closure from a Discard has become, well, the very trademark of our suffering. I know because I, too, did it for years and years. We all do. Oh my God, we’ll say it over and over, whining and crying until either we believe it or everyone around us believes it: “But I didn’t get any closure! There’s never any closure…I need closure….there wasn’t any cloooooossssuure!”

Please…has anybody…anybody….. seen my frigging closure???

Okay, so let’s talk about this “closure” that we all apparently want so bad – need so bad – from these unfeeling, uncaring, unlovable bastards. Since closure, obviously, can mean different things to different people depending on the narcissistic situation, then what is our unique, one-of-a-kind closure that, if we had it, would make the entire situation so much easier to bear?

I mean, since much of what all of us in narcissist recovery do is cry and weep and whine over the lack of closure, then we surely must know exactly what this closure is, right? Of course. And it shouldn’t be anything we even have to think about, I would imagine, since we spend so much time grieving its absence.

Two Truths About Closure That You Won’t Read About

Now, here’s Truth #1 (which is both the good news and also the problem) about this elusive “closure” character we’re always searching and yearning for (and this goes for any type of ending to any type of particularly toxic relationship, by the way): there’s no such thing. And I’ll say it again. There’s no such thing.

“Closure” is a made-up word that the world uses to signify a happy or peaceful ending…a word used describe all those things in fairy tales that tie up nicely with no loose ends. I mean, closure is a good thing, right? If so, then, in real life, it simply doesn’t – and can’t – logically co-exist with an ending of any sort because anything that ends when you’re not ready for it to end is not going to be happy. Now, I’m not saying that, in life, there are no happy endings….but, damn it, they sure are far and few between. With that being true, how can terms like “happy ending” and “narcissist” even sit side-by-side in a sentence? They can’t – so how in the hell can we even think (never mind cry) about this closure thing when it’s very existence ever – and particularly in our type of relationship – is a complete impossibility?

Seriously, what “closure” could the N/S/P ever give you that would make a damn difference after all the crap he’s put you through? We’ve been dealing with his narcissistic lies and manipulative narcissistic tactics for years now – why on earth would we believe anything he has to say?And, since we can’t even define the closure we want, how can an empty, shell-of-a-man narcissist even offer up anything close to what we think it is that we need to make it all better for ourselves. Moreover, I’m sure most of us got the finger on his way out the door or a hang-up or a nasty remark or maybe nothing at all – and that, I’m sorry to say, was our closure. The fact is that it’s supposed to be over and anything that ends when we don’t want it to is just not going to make us happy no matter how we try to spin it.

Now, all that being said, here’s Truth #2 about closure that you won’t see in a book or on other websites: what we really want is revenge.

Now, let’s talk about that.

Thinking about getting revenge on these jerks doesn’t make us bad people, it just makes us normal. I’m talking about this issue honestly because it has to be done. Wanting to get even with these guys is a huge part of the break-up relative to our feelings and you just can’t ignore it because “getting revenge” is considered politically incorrect or inappropriate. Now, that being said, my own personal discovery or epiphany, after realizing that “closure” didn’t exist, is that we only cry about wanting “closure” because, in our moral, conscious-laden minds, wanting to perform atrocities on these animals seems…well…too narcissistic.

What we really want is that little something else. The truth is…fuck closure! We want revenge and we want it now!

If you think this sounds harsh (which I bet most of you do not), the next time your heart is breaking over the fact that the narcissist erased you from his life without giving you the closure that you wanted, replace the word “closure” with “revenge” in your mind and see which image paints a truer, more comforting picture.

Stop Explaining to the Narcissist! Do This Instead

Updated on November 15, 2017

The Little Shaman is a bodywork healer, spiritual counselor, hypnotherapist, and a specialist in Cluster B personality disorders.

Possibly one of the hardest things for a narcissist's loved ones to learn is how to stop explaining. It's a natural response, but it's also the exact wrong response with a narcissist. Here we will detail why that is, and what to do instead.

Why it Doesn't Work

Narcissists look at things differently than the rest of us do. They are guided by emotion. Not logic, not reason and not intelligence. Emotion. This often causes their perception of things to be very, very different from other people's. They view everything through the lens of feeling, and their feelings are generally negative, out of control and even frightening to them. This causes their perceptions and experiences to be negative and frightening to them as well. They believe feelings are facts. That's not just a saying or a metaphor. They actually believe their feelings are facts. If they feel it, it must be true - regardless of whether it makes any sense or if they have proof or anything else.

Most people realize that feelings are not reliable. They sometimes make no sense, they're sometimes irrational and they are certainly not facts. Most of us realize that high emotion can alter perception, and that events viewed through the lens of emotion are often not viewed correctly.

Narcissists do not understand this. They experience things exactly the opposite way. Events viewed through the lens of emotion are altered in order to fit the emotion. If they are angry at you, everything you do will be perceived negatively, no matter what it is. If you're smiling, you must be laughing at them. If you brought them a sandwich or offered to share your food, there must be something wrong with it. Even things you did in the past that were OK at the time are now viewed through this lens and found to be evil. Yesterday, you were washing dishes together and laughing, having fun. No unkind words were said, there were no problems at all. Today, they see it as they were only helping you wash dishes yesterday because you forced them to do it so you can laugh at how much of a slave they are.

In reality, the narcissist's "truth" changes with their emotions. When they are angry, you are bad and they hate you. You also hate them and are horribly cruel and evil. When they are happy, you are good and they love you. You also love them (or at least don't hate them) and are not mean to them. It has nothing to do with actual reality, or anything you are actually doing. It is all based on unreasonable, irrational and faulty perceptions. Instead of being seen as an individual human being with your own feelings, you are simply seen as a walking mirror of the narcissist's feelings about themselves.

Why We Still Try

Because of this hugely divergent way of seeing things, people who are dealing with a narcissist often find themselves looking for a way to bridge the gap. They find themselves constantly explaining to the narcissist that the narcissist's perception is incorrect or faulty, that the narcissist is adding the wrong things together or coming to ludicrous conclusions based on things that aren't real, weren't said or didn't happen. This is understandable. Rational adults speaking to other adults are going to use reason and logic to try to get their point across. What else is there to do? This usually works in most people's lives. Compromises are reached, points are made, life goes on.

The trouble comes when you find yourself dealing with a seemingly-normal, cognizant person who, five minutes ago was speaking with you like a reasonable, intelligent adult and who now cannot understand even a basic point you are trying to make or simple words you are saying. Worse, they seem to have misunderstood you terribly and are now angry, upset and offended. So what do you do? As a rational, reasonable person, you try to explain. In most situations, this would be the right thing to do. With narcissists, it is the exact wrong thing.

In actuality, there's been no misunderstanding. At least, not one of the kind most people believe. The misunderstanding is not from you to the narcissist. It is within the narcissist themselves. They did not hear you wrong. They did not misunderstand what you said. What happened was that they reacted to their own emotions and blamed it on you. It really has nothing to do with you at all. When you brought them that sandwich, your motive was simply to do something nice and give them a sandwich. They didn't misunderstand that because they did not consider that. They don't care what your motive is. Not really. It's all about what is happening on their internal landscape. And all they are hearing inside is, "You're stupid, you're ugly, you're garbage, you're worthless, no one loves you, they are all laughing at you, they don't care about you..." You just got caught in the crossfire.

You can try to explain that your motives are not negative, that you don't hate the narcissist, you don't think they're garbage, or whatever else but the narcissist has been listening to this internal dialogue their entire life and they are completely, utterly convinced of it. They're never going to believe you. They're not even going to hear you. Ever notice that it seems like they are listening - and responding - to someone else when you're talking? Someone who is saying completely different things than what you are saying? That's because they are.

A Deeper Understanding

Narcissists expect to be treated badly because of this very thing. They therefore look for evidence of it in every single thing other people do. And of course, they find it, mostly because they push and provoke and harass and refuse to accept anything else.

For instance, a wife is speaking with her narcissistic husband. It's the classic narcissistic argument, where no matter what she says or how she says it, everything that comes out of her mouth is hurtful, hateful and wrong. The wife is attempting to explain to the narcissist reasonably and logically that his accusations are senseless and untrue. As she is talking, she calls him "honey." The narcissist replies, "Don't call me honey" in a disgusted tone of voice. The wife loses her cool and replies, "Fine, [expletive]. I won't." The narcissist then says, "That's more like it."

Now, this was no doubt intended to be a knock against the wife, to imply that the wife using terms of endearment is fake or insincere because she is so horrible and abusive. But it really says more about the narcissist than anything, doesn't it? They cannot accept being treated respectfully. It jams their radar, so to speak, and makes them very uneasy. Since they expect to be treated badly, they are constantly on edge, waiting for it to happen. They will often cause an argument or accuse someone of treating them badly for no reason simply to fulfill this expectation and ease their internal tension. Sometimes you can actually see the relief on their faces.

Explaining in these situations is useless. You will not get anywhere. Not only are they not listening, they don't want to believe you. They want to believe you are evil. It makes them victims. It makes them the center of attention, and most of all, it makes them right. If they have to accept that you are not evil, then who is to blame for all these problems? There's only one person left. In the narcissist's cartoon, comic book view of the world, there always has to be a villain - and a hero, by the way. If the villain isn't you, it will have to be them and if that's true, then it means that everything that voice says to them is right. Don't forget, narcissism is nothing but a defense mechanism against that little voice. That little voice says they are evil, horrible, disgusting vomit on the ground, so in self-defense, the narcissist creates a false self that is the total opposite of that.

A hero, in other words.

However, someone has to be evil, because all that hurt and bile and anger and bitterness has to go somewhere. So it has to be you. You were once the hero, when the narcissist first met you and you were perfect, and you were going to save everyone and make everything great. But you revealed yourself as a lowly human with no special powers and worse, you revealed that they were a lowly human with no special powers, either. So you're now the villain in this story and you can never be anything else.

Beyond that, they like that you keep trying to make them understand that you love them. They like the futility, the sincerity, the fact that you keep trying and keep jumping through those hoops for them. They don't believe you and they never will, but they love to hear it just the same. They like frustrating you and upsetting you and sucking your life force out one pointless argument at a time. Explaining is really only feeding their egotistical need for attention in the end because they aren't going to believe you. They don't want to and even if they did, the voice of that brutal superego that piles them on with internal abuse 24 hours a day would never let them.

Their disorder is set up so perfectly that exactly the things they need to hear and understand in order to change are exactly the things they are programmed to deny and block out the most. It's really sad, when you think about it. Because of that blind spot, they simply self-destruct over and over and over again. They are some of the most miserable people alive, and they walk around their entire lives never realizing they are doing it all to themselves. There are none so blind as those who refuse to see.

What to Do Instead

It's very easy, then, to get caught in the trap of explaining. When a problem is so easy for us to see, of course we will try to make the other person understand. "Hey, you can fix this! All you have to do is stop doing this!" As a rational adult person, that's what most of us do. We attempt to communicate. If the communication is getting fouled up along the way somewhere, we try to fix that so that we are heard and things can be resolved.

The problem is that in this situation, the lines are crossed in a place where you can't reach or affect them. It doesn't matter how you say it, or how many times you say it. They are not going to hear it. They can't and they don't even want to anyway. There is too much at stake for them to believe you, and because of that, they never will. There are many people right now suffering in relationships with narcissists and holding onto hope that things will change. Holding onto hope that if they can just somehow explain it right, the narcissist will finallyunderstand. But their brain does not work like yours does. The reality is, the chances are 1000 to 1, because these people have a vested interest in things staying exactly the same way they are right now.

When the narcissist accuses you of something that isn't true, or when they have their patented "misunderstandings," simply tell them that they are entitled to their opinion and leave it at that. You can say, "I'm sorry that you feel that way, but you're entitled to your opinion," or "I disagree with that, but you are entitled to your feelings." There is no reason to get bogged down in semantics about what was actually said and how it was said, or the ulterior motives that you don't really have or any of that, because it is a waste of time. It goes nowhere and it never ends.

If you say the things suggested here, it asserts that you disagree with their interpretation but it does not feed into their need to create chaos in order to get attention. It does not reward the behavior, in other words. If you've read the article entitled, "How to Break the Drama Cycle & Stop Reacting," then you know that narcissists often don't know how to respond to this kind of non-reaction at first. A lot of times they will push harder and provoke more, trying to get a reaction out of you - which is all they really wanted in the first place. Hold your ground and don't give in. Some people have difficulty doing this. They don't like "letting the narcissist get away with" the things they are saying. That's understandable, but it's counterproductive. A fair response to that feeling is, if you roll around in the mud with a pig, all that will happen is you'll get dirty too. Do yourself a favor: stay clean.

❧

Anxiety Disorders = typicall Narcissistic*

Overt abuse techniques commonly used on preferred scapegoat targets by Cluster B people tend to cause physical health issues for victims of people who are socially aggressive, violent, and foster a complex atmosphere of Ambient Abuse in any social environment they have the opportunity to influence.

The most common targets for social abuse are highly sensitive and emotionally intelligent people who are by nature prone to behaving like humanists. People who are of lesser social means (meaning less socially powerful or influential) are also likely targets, too.

If you live in a home where abuse is prevalent, expect your health to decline and your self-conception to suffer. Being told all the time YOU are the problem for reacting to abuse in ways that are actually emotionally intelligent and PHYSICALLY appropriate tends to cause victim self-identity to suffer.

If you feel like you are unsure whether you over-react to abuse or you are justified in being upset when you are lied to, conned by a love fraud, are cheated on, are beaten or sexually assaulted, threatened with murder, etcetera… your mind and body are already experiencing symptoms of extreme C-PTSD.

Chances are you are likely to be developing a form of Stockholm Syndrome based on trauma bonding with your Abuser. When and if a trauma bond forms, the biology of the human form does a couple of things.

First of all — if you are healthy and sane, you will tend to trust your own eyes and ears as well as sanity. If you catch a partner cheating, for instance, but they blame YOU? Or an Enabler tries to convince you that your abuser loves you in their own way? Or they tell you that physical assault is for your own good?

Seriously — if you believe them you are already likely to be living with adrenal fatigue and heightened forms of pervasive social anxiety soon.

The following list of anxiety disorder types was compiled by the Mayo Clinic. The healthcare organization describes many of the most common conditions as follows:

• Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed.

• Anxiety disorder due to a medical condition includes symptoms of intense anxiety or panic that are directly caused by a physical health problem.

• Generalized anxiety disorder includes persistent and excessive anxiety and worry about activities or events — even ordinary, routine issues. The worry is out of proportion to the actual circumstance, is difficult to control and affects how you feel physically. It often occurs along with other anxiety disorders or depression.

• Panic disorder involves repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes (panic attacks). You may have feelings of impending doom, shortness of breath, chest pain, or a rapid, fluttering or pounding heart (heart palpitations). These panic attacks may lead to worrying about them happening again or avoiding situations in which they’ve occurred.

• Selective mutism is a consistent failure of children to speak in certain situations, such as school, even when they can speak in other situations, such as at home with close family members. This can interfere with school, work and social functioning.

• Separation anxiety disorder is a childhood disorder characterized by anxiety that’s excessive for the child’s developmental level and related to separation from parents or others who have parental roles.

• Social anxiety disorder (social phobia) involves high levels of anxiety, fear and avoidance of social situations due to feelings of embarrassment, self-consciousness and concern about being judged or viewed negatively by others.

• Specific phobias are characterized by major anxiety when you’re exposed to a specific object or situation and a desire to avoid it. Phobias provoke panic attacks in some people.

• Substance-induced anxiety disorder is characterized by symptoms of intense anxiety or panic that are a direct result of abusing drugs, taking medications, being exposed to a toxic substance or withdrawal from drugs.

• Other specified anxiety disorder and unspecified anxiety disorderare terms for anxiety or phobias that don’t meet the exact criteria for any other anxiety disorders but are significant enough to be distressing and disruptive.

SOURCE: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/anxiety/symptoms-causes/dxc-20168124 @deanna Abuseda

Folks who actively abuse and enable other abusers love telling their abuse victims that they are somehow socially, emotionally, and intellectually deficient. They are huge fans of abusing the crap out of their target, then when caught or confronted about their behavior choices they love nothing more than playing the victim.