6A pair of ladders A Wet Milf and a buzzing toy

MY FIRST STEP

ON TO THE LADDER

OF EMPLOYMENT

6

Band:- Secret Affair

Song :- time for action

Song:- Tempted

Band:- Squeeze

Song:-just Can't Get Enough

Band:-Depeche Mode

1981

THE WINDOW CLEANER

I was enjoying an afternoon nap, I remember it was a Tuesday and the month I seem to recall was April of nineteen eighty one m, as it was some time before my final exams,

(I was on my wind down from a gruelling twelve years of schooling against my will)

when I hear a knocking, at first I wonder if it was just part of my dream, but as the knocking continues I realise that I am now wide awake and the noise is coming from the rear of the house, specifically the back door, and with me answering the back door i may have inadvertently changed my life forever.

You see There’s this bloke standing there, right in front of me, with a shammy leather in one hand, a bucket in the other and a smile showing a mouthful of very white teeth indeed, he had dark wavy hair with just a hint of grey at the sides, blue sparking eyes full of secrets and a very deep tan with a cockiness about him,

I’d put him at mid to late thirties, but I could be wrong, my age radar was never my top attribute,

“Aright mate, it’s John is it not” we’re the first words out of his mouth to me, (and I don’t even know who the fuck he is yet, although there is a slight resemblance to someone that I think I may know from somewhere?) “right lad are you ready for your first taste of genuine grafting my son” (well I know he’s definitely not my dad) I’m so confused but I manage a reply, “sorry mate do I know you” “yes son, maybe from a distance though, anyway I’m going to be your new boss, your mam thought you could do with a job”

well the upshot of it was, my dearest mother thought it was about time that I made my way in the world, instead of hanging around the house like a spare part, or lying in bed till tea time,( for fuck sake mother dear, make you mind up, am I hanging around or hiding in my room) any way she thought it would be a great idea that I go to work and contribute to the household, for fuck sake I actually haven’t left school yet, I still have exams too finished,

she did not listen and instead she engaged the local window cleaner to help,

Billy whizz was his name due to the speed of his window cleaning skills,

and this was the days of a shammy leather, bucket and a double ladder,

none of these fancy hoses and extension poles of today, just your locally sourced water from the house you were cleaning at that moment in time, and up your ladder you went, with your shammy a smile and a whistle,

now billy had a work force of around 8 lads working for him, he had a White van and a big grey estate car loaded up with ladders and window cleaning paraphernalia,

the idea was we lads were paired off and dropped off at certain areas to do rounds, that he’d built up over the years,

but for me I would be joining the boss to learn the ropes, and boy did I learn the ropes!

DAY ONE

A PAIR OF LADDERS

I was picked up at 8 am and off we went Billy whizz and I to our first destination, and my first job of the day was to go get a brew from a local cafe which was situated just around the corner from our first stop off, which was a nice little semi detached house in a fairly posh area,

so off I trotted like a good little boy, while billy whizz got the ladders from the roof of the car, and I was soon back with the drinks, and in the time it took me billy had those ladders already up against the upstairs front window, which I suspected would probably be a bedroom, (I’m already picking up on things)

and once the brew was finished my lesson in the art of window cleaning began, so to the technical side.

first you take the shammy in a hand that you favour, you then dunk the shammy into soapy water, once it’s had a good soaking go to the window and move your hand and arm in an upwards motion and wipe the wet and soapy shammy all over the glass window,

second take the cloth that you should have in a belt with pockets, which you should have around your waist,

now this is the crucial part of this task,

You then dry the glass you have only a minute before wet, and then you have to repeat this, on every fucking window of the house, and on every Fucking house in the street, and every fucking street on the window cleaning round, ( some how I feel I will not be able to engage in this monotonous task for very long)

now this is where it can get complicated and confusing, you see you have to do this procedure sometimes at height, Hence the ladders, and at times you may only do the upstairs,

and then to turn the process completely on its head, sometime you do just the outside! and sometimes just inside of the downstairs, and on occasions there’s the inside and the outside of the windows to do, (can you get any more fucking excitement)

god there are so many permutations, one feels a degree may be needed just to calculate how to price all the windows,

So anyway

I’m shammying away at the outside of the downstairs windows on this sunny morning, when billy whizz shouts to me “when you have finished with the front, go and wait in the van will you, and I will sort out the ladies back passage” and by the time I’m finished with the bottom front window, he’s gone, he’s up the passage and round the back,

tick tock, tick tock, goes the hands on my watch, another glance tells me it’s been almost an hour since the boss entered Mrs Harrison’s back passage, and I’m getting board and frustrated, I’m hot and sweaty, and there’s no where to go,

so I decide that I shall go and investigate the case of the missing window cleaner,

I slip out of the car’s passenger seat, where I had settled myself waiting for the next job,

I was listening to mike reads name that year, on radio one, (the hip station of the time) and I thought at the time that I may not find out the year the music was from if I had to go and find Billy the fucking whizz! but I went, and I was right, the worst possible outcome emerged, that’s right,

I never did find out the year of the tunes he was playing,

and to this day I do not know, and it’s been a big factor in all the problems in my life,

again only joking I got over it within a year,

So my first port of call on my manhunt was the local pub, now call me naive, which is probably true at that time of my life,

but I thought as it was getting on to late morning that is where every window cleaner would want to be,

well I was wrong, the place wasn’t even open, so I navigated myself back to the car, where i sat on the bonnet rubbing my chin and using what brain cells I could muster into life on my first day of work,

I stare at the house from a distance and try to back track my thoughts of that morning,

right I thought,

I was at the front of the house cleaning windows, and billy whizz was where, then I had the light bulb moment,

yes he went around the back of the house, but wait I’m thinking again (maybe not a great idea) that was an hour ago, Christ he’s fell off the fucking ladders on my first day and is lying dead with his brains all laid out at the bottom of the ladder,

with Mrs Harrison witnessing this accident, she herself then clutched her chest as she has a massive heart attack while holding the kettle full of boiling water just about to make billy and i a cup of tea,

the kettle full of piping hot water spills and cascades down Mrs Harrison’s head as she jerked uncontrollably from the heart attack, melting her face beyond recognition,

and as she dropped to the floor, she lands on the two new baby puppies her faithful poodle has just had, crushing them to death,

which in turn traumatised the yelping bitch as it ran round helplessly until it accidentally hit the back door at full throttle, breaking its own neck and dies instantly,

oh good god almighty, what a tragedy!

So I cautiously manoeuvre to the back of the house with my heart pounding out of my chest and my mouth dry, so dry, I can now hardly breath,

I have to look around the wall of the house to see the devastation I have in my head, and oh my fuckin god, what a sight!

It’s worse then I could have possibly imagine,the fucking mess

My first thoughts were the owner of this middle class house with a lovely front garden is so superficial,

the back gardens was a tip! full of shite from the dogs,

rubbish everywhere,

an old settee dumped at the bottom of the garden

and the lawn, Well don’t get me started,

and there just at the kitchen window leaning against the wall leading to what must be a back bedroom was Billy’s ladders,

No death and destruction, no dead animals nor brains all over the patio,

all there was though a slight noise coming from the open upstairs window,

now I could not quite work out what the sound was, was it the pet dog panting for water? and what was the bloody squeaking noise?

Is someone constantly opening and closing a door in desperate need of oiling, so many questions

so I thought, I need to investigate, again

the question I asked myself was do I go in through the open back door,

or should I climb the ladder straight to the source of the distant noises,

I mulled this over for maybe a millisecond, and started the climb,

and just a few seconds later all became clear,

right there in front of me through the window and partly closed curtains was billy, and just below him was Mrs Harrison, billy whizz was definitely living up to his name,

he was like a screaming banshee,

sweating & groaning is way through what I can only describe as a marathon of sex positions, while she was writhing and moaning,

the bed itself was creaking and banging,

in fact I was sure it would collapse under the pressure any minute!

Suffice to say I did not hang around up there at the top of that ladder getting a lesson in love

Or was it the fuck for lust? Anyhow I was down that fucking ladder so fast it took weeks to get the splinters out of me palms

And I was back in the passenger seat of Billy’s motor waiting like an alter boy, with a bright halo hangin over met head. when he finally returned,there was no explanation of the time it took to clean a fucking bedroom window,

but I had the thoughts of the devil running through my mind,

just thinking what a fucking amazing job this widow cleanin lark just might turn out to be,

So if any of yous are wondering where this anecdote maybe going or you think you know exactly where it ends up, well you might be right,

So for those old enough you may have heard of some dated British comedy movies made in the nineteen seventies the Adventures of...... well I may add to them there stories

WEEK TWO

THE WET LADY

The second week of my new job started just like the first, with the exception that I was left to work the rounds with a prodigy of Billy’s,

his name was Sam, and he had been working the rounds with the whizz since he left school at sixteen, he left school with no qualifications, and only had aspirations of climbing the ladder to windows rather than the ladder to success,

Sam was now the ripe old age of 21 and an excellent shammy expert, he was around 5ft 10 in height,

dark shoulder length hair with the common centre parting,

and spoke with a very strong Leigh accent, because he was from fucking Leigh of course,

For me, we’ll I looked up to him,

For he told some cracking stories, and at the time I believed most of these stories were true,

except one, where he tells of nights out and he knecks up to 10 pints,

well that’s just fucking impossible,

at that time in my life, I too liked a drink but struggled to get past my third beer,

But I let it go,

as it happens a couple of years later he was proved right because I drank like a fish and 10 pints a night would be no problem,

so it was on one sunny Friday morning, when I was on my ladders climbing the Abiss to a top front window,

a bedroom as it happens, with curtains drawn and the room standing empty,

that was until this mature woman of at least 25 strolled into the room from what I can only assume was the bathroom? as she had her head bandaged in a towel, while she strutted slowly across the carpeted floor,

what struck me though, was the rest of her was completely naked with her skin slightly damp,

well my eyes quickly popped out of my head and landed in the flower bed below, my tongue dropped like an unraveling carpet from my open mouth the length of my ladder,

and I just could not help the bulge that appeared in my jeans, and as she lifted her head, her eyes met mine, (which were now well and truly back in there sockets and my tongue was wrapped back into its resting place) as we exchanged glances I supposed I must have looked a little strange pressed up against her bedroom window, my left arm reaching for the sky, with a shammy leather attached to the hand,

now as I was stretching you could clearly see my groin area with solid a hard on which was also pressed up against the window ,

and it more than likely looked to my new best friend that I was shagging her bedroom window,

It was now that I expected The tirade of venomous verbal abuse to be thrown at me through that window,

but instead this voluptuous creature simply smiled and winked,

sauntered over to her dressing table sat on the edge facing me, legs apart and began applying body lotion purposely slowly in my opinion, she glanced up at me with her seductive blue eyes, while licking her lips gently

her hands covered the whole of her body very professionally, again, only in my opinion

As for myself I had not yet moved from The position I had first started in, still in fucking statue mode, hoping she hadn’t spotted me,

the only thing was when she slipped her right hand slowly past her stomach, going down and down and aghhh shit fuck wank! my jeans were well and truly stained,

It was at that point the little minx just started laughing uncontrollably, also at that point my body started to trembling, uncontrollably,I needed off that ladder right away,

I tried to slide down the ladder (as us professional window cleaners do,)

but close to the bottom my foot got stuck,

and I fell the last foot or so, with the bucket of water landing on my head,

so now I’m soaking wet at the top end, and stained to buggery at the bottom,

I just lay there looking up to the blue sky, smiling,

and I found myself saying thank you to anyone who may be up there watching,

ONE MONTH LATER

I haven’t seen my lady since that day, although I made a point of always cleaning that particular bedroom window myself, which brings me nicely on to the middle class street where we started,

back in suburbia where everyone is going about there business, when two likely lads turn up in an estate car full of window cleaning gear,

Sam and i are let loose on what is usually Billy’s private round,

but as he’s gone away for a few days, we’ve been charged with looking after his customers on this street,

just before lunch Sam decided he’s off to the bookies,

he’s a big cricket fan and England were playing some sort of international,

so I was left to do the last house alone, the one and only Mrs Harrison,

and as usual I knock and ask if it would be possible to get some fresh hot water for my bucket,

Mrs Harrison was delighted to help,

I could see it in her eyes but what terrified me, was that I could also see in her eyes fresh meat

Christ I thought I may well be in trouble here,

Mrs Harrison brought me the water and requested that when I’ve finished the outside, I clean the inside of her bedroom windows as Billy whizz always takes special care of her upstairs, I bet he does! I thought,

Mrs Harrison must have been pushing forty years of age, but wow what a body, in clothes and out, as I do have recent memories of the lady naked,

once I’d finished the outside, I tentatively scale the stairs one by one,

sweaty palms and pounding heart, what the fuck am I getting myself into I think to myself, Should I turn back

But I do need paying, so I keep going, I reach the top of the stairs and cross the landing,

my left hand reaches out and I slowly push open the bedroom door,

my eyes once again drop from their sockets to the floor and bounce back like there attached to slinky’s!

This was because of the sight that confronted me,

Mrs Harrison lay there, on her kingsize bed completely naked legs apart and knees up, like she was ready for an inspection then there’s that sound again, the one I’ve heard before, it was that buzzing noise,m again,

she looks towards me as she rotates the toy she has inside her, she groans,

she moans,

she smiles

and she winks at me,

she waves me over with her free hand,

I smile

i sprint

I dive

Geronimo,

I lost that job some days later.