28a red phone box & the marshmallow wall

, a red phone box,

& the marshmallow wall

1997

The Band:- Chumbawamba

The Song :- Tubthumping

The band :- prodigy

The song:- Smack my bitch up

The band:- Corner shop

The song :- Brim full of asha

The day started off so well, full of clarity,

a lovely summers morning woke me on this particular Sunday,

and with a spring in my step i bounced down stairs like a new puppy lookin for his mother’s tit, ta have a good nosh up before enjoying the day that lay ahead,

but unbeknownst ta me the news that I woke to, and of course the rest of the word woke to, would effect the day that me and me mates had planned,

and a completely alternate day would present itself ,

Ya see the TV was ablaze with the news of the murder? oh sorry the death of princess Diana,

apparently she was involved in some car crash,

and all the guilt would not lie at the feet of the driver, because bein royals they obviously had the best staff in the world, that would stop at nothin ta weed out any unforeseen drunks at the wheel of any vehicle, drivin any dignitaries around the street of a foreign city at silly o’clock, and there would be no fuckin chance in the world they could be followed, or as it were chased by any amateur prick on motor bikes with cameras, as they have an army of fuckin professional expert James bonds at every corner of there lives,

as it would not be allowed in todays world either!

and as I write this chapter, it is unthinkable that a 97 year old bastard, a second hand king if you will, or prince as he’s called by all us commoners, to be able ta escape the shackles of ones protection officers,

ta just fuck about in a tank of a Range Rover on some country lanes unfuckin aware that there may just be some of us gobshite commoners milling about the place,

God forbid if there was an accident,

I’m sure he would be unable ta forgive himself,

he’d probably never drive again or even want ta drive again,

and of course he would want ta give some of his unsightly wealth to the poor common people he may have injured in his moment of blindness,

and maybe even some charities for road accident casualties would benefit from him,

as there would be no question he would be in deep deep remorse,

no fuckin wait!

there was an accident I’m sure! the royal prince fuckup complained of a fuckin sun, in the fuckin sky, bein to fuckin yellow and sunny!

Oh dear god how fuckin dare any other star gettin involved with this planet, plainly its for royals only! and after being cleared from injury, he fucked off and grabbed a brand new Range Rover , and continued to commit road offences, with not a thought or care for the commoners he’d injured the day before.

So Diana, ex princess was dead,

and with that the world completely stopped,

Well it might as well have, cause all the pubs on the Isle of Man seemed ta close their doors in unison, and in mourning ta the late great princess,

now me and me mates thought it woulda made more sense in openin up earlier ta toast the passin of a great lady,

and they may have even gone further and made it a free booze day ta go along with the footy, which I might add was also fuckin cancelled,

so that’s the dilemma?

the boozy footy day we had planned had gone up in fuckin smoke, just like the ex princess,

so now what’s ta do on a Sunday afternoon, with a wedge in ya back pocket and a few dickead mates ta play with,

well I’ll tell ya

There were 4 of us that day me, Christian, Dutch Pete, and som other muppet I can’t quite remember,

i do remember we were in Chris and Dutch Petes place, they shared the house not the bed,

in fact the whole group of us have shared houses at some point through are lives , anyhow Christian had the bright idea ta invite Adam around, and knowing Adam he would likely bring with him a lucky bag of goodies,

we already had some tinnies in, and videos/ dvds music at the ready, so let the party begin!

Now the first movies we were watching were that of Christians uni mates on some sort of freshers night around his home town of Weymouth

and ta be fair it was funny as fuck, now that may well be ta do with it genuinely bein funny as fuck, or it may be that the lager and substances are Adam brought round may have played a part?

you be the judge, all I do know is, the day was definitely not goin the way we wanted, and I also knew that I fuckin loved every one sat around the tv, and they loved me and each other, I know this as I never stopped telling them and they reciprocated, I fuckin love you John! an I fuckin love you too Ad, and on that note Adam decided ta make a brew for everyone?

we were all somewhat miffed by this as we had beers in front of us?

“Don’t you guys be worrying” Ad tells us, you’ll fuckin enjoy this special brew , Christ what is he upta now, well we didn’t have ta wait long, he stumbles back inta the lounge with a tray a teapot cups but no milk, we were all actually surprised he actually made it back stood upright as he left the room on all fours barking like a dog

The evening at this point is about ta get somewhat strange? is that the right word? maybe weird or crazy or just simply fucking nuts! Ya see the tea we were about ta devour was that locally sourced and very popular mushroom, of the magic variety,

the 5 of us were there balanced on are knees in a circle in the lounge bent over this tray with a lovely floral tea pot in the middle and 5 delicate T cups scattered aimlessly around it with no thought of symmetrics (at that moment I actually thought I bet me old mum would love that t pot she did love her tea)

are eyes were lost in the steam, wafting upwards from the dirty brown water sat in the tea pot, we watch as the toad stool pieces floated aimlessly around, in unison all eyes looked ta each other, they were clearly sayin go on then you go first,

the decision was made by Christian as he played mother and poured, now the five tea cups We’re full of shitty brown fluid,

3-2-1 and they were gone, and after another look around are group, we all rolled around in fits of laughter,

30 minutes later and the music is on and with the atmosphere buzzin we all agreed that Adam had been misleading with the origins of his foraging, and the mushroom tea was just that, tea, his mushroom treat was probably bought from the local supermarket,

As the evening progresses the 2 female house mates Who also share the house and 2 of their friends had joined us, and all was well in the world,

but a look over my right shoulder shattered that elusion, I could not for the life of me figure out who the hell Christian, was having such a meaningful conversation with, this very stick thin woman with scraggy bushy green hair, and beautiful as she was she seemed ta be ignoring him and as I was thinking how disrespectful she was bein,

I realised ta my astonishment that this woman had no mouth, in-fact there was no face ta be seen, oh Christ, Christian was goin in for the kiss!

I had ta stop him he must be well off his tits if he can not not see any lips, which I’m sure would have made the difference between a great kiss and a mediocre kiss!

I had ta leap inta action as he seductively wrapped his manly arms around this very exotic lady, I lept onta his back and we all tumbled inta a pile onta the lounge floor, and as we all crashed hard ta the floor we heard a loud crack, “Jesus Christ Christian” I screamed i think you’ve broken her fuckin neck, as we lay on are backs Lookin up ta the ceiling, together we turn ta each other and I can see Christians eyes wellin up “she’s dead isn’t she” he whispered,

and with a gulp I tried ta speak but could not, when a woman’s voice echoed Loudly over are heads “you two fuckwits have snapped my cherished yucca tree in two,

The 2 of us look up from a position of flat on the fuckin back lookin straight into the young ladies eyes like puppy dogs on speed, until that is we broke out inta fits of laughter, we just couldn’t help it we were fuckin possessed

I think it was Adam who declared himself hungry,

and the suggestion of goin ta the local garage which was only a couple of hundred yards down the street had us all frothin at the mouth,

the 5 of us decided we should all go together to the garage For safety purposes, for food supplies and more beer , this activity was so much harder though, than we’d first thought,

The front door was thrown open by Christian with so much force it bounced back off the wall straight back, and hit Christian hard on the way back, who in turn flew against the opposite wall and bounced back leaving him in a crumpled-heap on the floor in front of the rest of us, we were lined up behind him as though we were ready for a madness video,

at the sight of this we all wet are selves and collapsed in one big heap rolling around the floor, but by now though none of us could get back to are feet and were crawling outta the front gate like lizards high on mushrooms,

we slithered in a row over the pavement down inta the road and across ta the other side, this took a good 15 minutes in silence just a few weird noises coming for all orifice’s,

for some reason when we reached the wall across the road from the house we all were pulled by gravity up the wall and were stuck there, some 2 feet off the floor in the marshmallow wall,

It was like we were reinacting the album cover of band on the run by wings,

if ya have no idea what or who this is as I suspect ya won’t then google it and ya will have a visual of that moment

Now are next obstacle was the big red phone box which stood against the wall and was very much in are way but it was ok

We just levitated up and over the red phone box and came down gently on the other side one by one, as the one in front seemed to move sideways like a crab on a conveyor belt

We lost the rest of are knee flesh dragging are selves ta the front of that fuckin garage where most of us settled for Restin against the kindle fire wood, barbecue parafinalia and gad bottles,

we just sat there picking grit outta are palms and bein mesmerised by all the colourful pictures being painted inside are heads and bein terrified by all the inanimate objects comin alive right before are very eyes!

It was Christian who we sacrificed ta enter the garage spar to purchase food and drink, while acting his tits of trying ta be some sort of human being in front of the sales girl, which I must admit he pulled off with some aplomb, as he existed with all the goodies we needed,

the only problem now was how the fuck do we get back ta the house, ta the girls ta the music and a of course a broken yucca tree,

we were all lay there outside on the garage for court in different stages of hallucinations, Gurnin and dribbling, looking at each other for guidance, but none was ta come, and so there it is,

the memories fade from there on in, except I woke later that evening with the stereo speakers stretched out across the room hovering over my head talkin ta me,

I rarely drink tea now and have never had any of them there mushrooms no matter how magic they claim ta be.