Insekiyo
Insecure: ADJECTIVE /ˌɪnsəˈkjʊr/
- (of a person) not confident or assured; uncertain and anxious.
synonyms: unconfident, uncertain, unsure, doubtful, hesitant, self-conscious, unassertive, diffident, unforthcoming, shy, timid, retiring, timorous, inhibited, introverted;
antonyms: confident
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Minum petang. Kepulan wap air dari teh Jasmin bersama dengan pastri Danish kegemarannya tampak menenangkan.
Selembar demi selembar buku 'The Satanic Verses' karya Salman Rushdie itu diselak. Dia khusyuk di dalam dunia fiksyen ditemani Gibreel Farishta dan Saladin Chamcha, protagonis di dalam buku tersebut.
"Kakak! Look at my legs, are they big?"
Dia berkerut. Dia kurang senang pabila orang menganggu sesi bacaannya. Ya, dia 'bibliophile', rasanya.
Dia melihat kaki adiknya. Kemudian beralih ke wajah adiknya, tajam renungannya.
"They are normal." Dia kembali membaca buku.
"KAKAK! LOOK AT MY THIGHS, MY CALVES, ARE THEY BIG?!"
Soalan itu membuatkan dia terasa teramat jengkel.
"Elaizabeh. What is wrong with you? I've answered your question, am I right? You have normal, perfect legs for God's sake! Stop being annoying!"
"But I want small tiny legs, like Kakak..." Muncungnya ditarik.
"Elaizabeh, we have different types of body, one is mine, and one is yours, so of course I have these kind of legs. Urgh stop it okay? I need to go to the bathroom!"
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Viktoriya baru sahaja selesai melakukan sesi kardio selama 60 minit di gimnasium kampusnya.
Sebiji pisang dikupas, dimakan laju. Sebotol air diteguk rakus, seperti unta. Viktoriya memakai hoodie, bersedia untuk pulang ke rumah.
Sampai dirumah Viktoriya memakan makanan 'post-workout'nya. Ikan Salmon bakar dan salad.
Usai makan, Viktoriya termenung sebentar, 10 minit dia memandang dinding biliknya.
Viktoriya tersedar, lantas dia menuju ke tandas.
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"Please please please Viktoriya, help me to finish these foods! Otherwise they'll go bad!" Rayuan dari kawan baiknya Dayana, yang juga merupakan rakan serumahnya memang susah untuk ditolak.
Viktoriya melihat makanan di atas meja makan. Ayam panggang, nasi lemak, gulai, masak lemak, dan kuih muih memenuhi hampir keseluruhan meja makan. Mesti ibu Dayana datang melawatnya tadi.
Viktoriya mengeluh. Dayana membuat 'puppy eyes' dan memeluk erat Viktoriya. Viktoriya terasa jengkel dan kasihan. Dayana tahu kelemahan Viktoriya apabila mahu memujuknya.
"OKAY OKAY FINEEEE I'LL EAT EM!"
"YAAAYYYYY thanks a lot Viktoriya! Let's eat together!"
Selesai semuanya, Dayana tersandar kekenyangan di atas sofa, sambil menekan nekan punat 'remote control' televisyen. Viktoriya bergegas ke tandas. Lama dia di dalam tandas.
Apabila Viktoriya keluar, Dayana bertanya;
"I always see you 'visiting' the toilet after you eat, why? It seems like a habit. A weird habit. Haha!"
"Oh it's nothing." Kata Viktoriya sambil duduk disebelah Dayana.
"We are bff for more than 10 years and you are still embarrassed to tell me that you were pooping to your heart's content, eh Your Highness?"
Viktoriya tergelak. Malas mahu melayan.
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Viktoriya baru sahaja keluar dari tandas. Dia berpuas hati. Tapi sakit dada yang dialaminya sejak kebelakangan ini menyusahkan hidupnya. Hari ini, lengan dan kakinya pula mula terasa kebas.
Mungkin kerana tidak cukup melakukan senaman di gimnasium, Viktoriya berfikir. Dia akan menambahkan lagi sesi kardionya nanti.
Perutnya lapar. Viktoriya melihat jam tangan, hampir masa makan tengahari. Dia menelefon Dayana, mengajaknya untuk menemaninya ke McDonald's, Viktoriya mengidam kentang goreng bercicahkan aiskrim Vanilla Sundae dan 'Chicken Wrap'.
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"Hi my beautiful fiancée!" Elbert tersenyum lebar.
Viktoriya memberi senyum yang sinis, dia menjelirkan lidah.
"Hello Mr. Fransis Elbert the young CEO. What a splendid dinner party you have here. Wow, you even invited those Victoria Secret's Angels too? Perks of being a YOUNG CEO I presumed."
Elbert melihat sekeliling. Sejak bila dia menjemput model model dari Victoria Secret?
"Damn! It must be my dad! He is the one who invited them urgh WHY?!"
Viktoriya tersenyum, senyum menyindir. Seronok mengusik tunangnya itu. Dia tahu Elbert bukan lelaki 'playboy', kerana sebenarnya Elbert merupakan 'bekas' 'nerd' atau 'geek' yang selalu dibuli semasa zaman sekolah mereka dahulu.
Elbert sebagai seorang CEO, nampak seperti seorang model, sebab itu Viktoriya dan Elbert selalu dilabelkan sebagai pasangan yang sama cantik sama padan, lagi sempurna dari Ken dan Barbie. Lagi berprofil tinggi dari Jay-Z dan Beyoncé.
Tapi Viktoriya lagi senang dengan Elbert yang 'nerd' dan 'geek'; ketika Elbert hanya memakai tshirt polo, berseluar khaki, dan bercermin mata ber'frame' hitam tebal-- iaitu hanya ketika mereka keluar bersama secara 'discreet', atau ketika Elbert datang meluangkan masa bersama dengan keluarga Viktoriya di hujung minggu.
Ya, Viktoriya jatuh cinta kepada Elbert yang 'nerd' dan 'geek' itu. Kerana Elbert yang 'nerd' dan 'geek' itulah yang menerima Viktoriya seadanya, yang membuka hatinya, yang membuatnya gembira sentiasa.
"Earth to Viktoriya, Earth to Viktoriya!" Viktoriya tersentak. Elbert tersenyum manis.
"You look handsome today, Elbert." Viktoriya memuji ikhlas. Pipi Elbert nampak kemerahan.
"Geez you make me blush! Thank you Viktoriya! Now I feel better, even though I feel so awkward wearing these 3-piece suit although I always wore em during my work hours!" Elbert mengaku.
"Yep, I know." Viktoriya mengenyit mata.
"Oh, what kind of fiancé am I! Had you already eaten? I don't know what my dad ordered from the catering but I heard they were good!"
"Yes I had. ALONE." Viktoriya mengusik lagi.
Elbert serba salah.
"Umm... I haven't had a bite yet, I'm very occupied tonight that I forgot to eat on my own dinner party. So, my princess, care to join me for dinner, again?" Elbert melutut secara tiba tiba, dia menghulurkan tangannya. Viktoriya terkejut dengan perlakuan spontan Elbert tersebut. Lantas dia tergelak, malu. Dia menyambut tangan Elbert.
Kedengaran riuh rendah, para tetamu menepuk tangan, juga siulan dari sesetengah rakan rapat Elbert. Tidak ketinggalan 'flash' dari kamera milik wartawan yang tidak berhenti henti merakamkan aksi spontan Elbert sebentar tadi.
"Wow Elbert do you want to make us look bad here? Or you want to be more famous than your handsome-and-eligible-bachelor dad?" Kedengaran suara bapa Elbert, Ernest mengusik Elbert. Wajah Elbert pantas menjadi kemerahan. Ernest ketawa lagi.
"Awwhh Ayah Ernest stop making him blush! You make me want to kiss him!" Viktoriya tiba tiba bersuara, Elbert menjadi semakin merah. Viktoriya cuba menahan ketawa. Para tetamu juga ketawa, ada juga yang nampak jengkel melihat kemesraan mereka, dengki mungkin.
"Okay okay let's stop. Elbert will explode any second now. Okay Elbert, please continue to accompany your Princess to dinner." Ernest berkata, kemudian tergelak kecil.
Setelah itu barulah mereka berdua dapat menikmati makan malam dengan tenang.
"Elbert, I need to go to the bathroom for a while. To powder my nose."
"Viktoriya, since we start dating, you always have this habit of 'powdering your nose' after we ate. Is this normal for women or what?" Elbert bertanya separuh bergurau.
Viktoriya senyum kemudian tergelak.
"Well.... I guess so." Viktoriya bangkit dan berjalan menuju ke arah tandas, sambil menjelirkan lidah kepada tunangnya itu.
"Beautiful. Beautiful heart, and personality. I will get married to her in one more year. The one for me, my soulmate. Oh God, I love this women so much, may our love deepens each day and please bless our marriage forever. I promise I'll be a good husband and make her happy forever." Bisik Elbert kepada dirinya sendiri.
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"BOO BOOO ELAIZABEH IS A FATASS! A FAT FUCK!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA A FATASS!"
Elaizabeh memekakkan telinga. Perkara ini berlaku setiap hari kepadanya. Elaizabeh sudah kebal dan lali. Tidak guna melawan, dia tidak mahu nampak bodoh dan tidak beradab seperti mereka. Elaizabeh tahu hakikat itu.
Elaizabeh yang bersekolah di kolej perempuan elit dimana kebanyakkan pelajarnya adalah model sambilan di dalam mahupun luar negara. Jadi saiz badan Elaizabeh yang sebenarnya normal dan 'average' adalah teramat gemuk di mata para pelajar kolej tersebut.
Elaizabeh mendapat tekanan yang teruk semasa di awal persekolahannya di kolej itu. Dia cuba berdiet, tetapi sia-sia. Berat badannya semakin bertambah kerana mengamalkan diet yang salah.
Tetapi terima kasih kepada kakaknya, Elaizabeh mula menyayangi dirinya sendiri. Kakaknya teramat 'protective' terhadap Elaizabeh, jadi atas tunjuk ajar kakaknya, Elaizabeh kembali sihat dan gembira seperti sebelumnya.
"Attention! Mawar Elaizabeh, please go to the principal's office this instance."
Elaizabeh mengangkat kening, hairan. Tidak pernah dia dipanggil ke pejabat Pengetua sewaktu sesi pembelajaran sedang berlangsung.
Sampai di hadapan pejabat Pengetua, Elaizabeh mengetuk pintu, perlahan.
"OH MY GOD Elaizabeh! We HAVE to go to the hospital right now!" Elaizabeh dipeluk secara tiba tiba oleh Pengetua.
"Why Atuk? What happened??" Elaizabeh terasa lemas.
"It's your Kakak! She collapsed!" Mata datuknya bergenang.
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"What happened to my Kakak?" Elaizabeh tercungap-cungap.
Doktor Wiliyem, yang juga merupakan sepupunya menoleh. Wajahnya tampak penat. Dari kejauhan Elaizabeh melihat bapa saudaranya yang mesra dipanggil Ayah Charles melambai ke arahnya sebelum menghilang. Ayah Charles juga adalah seorang doktor, dan bapa kepada Wiliyem.
"She got a sudden heart attack. But thank God she was stabilized by Ayah Charles when she came here. Now she is resting, you can go and see her now, if you want. I'll go and explain to Atuk the details."
"What the hell? HOOWWW???" Elaizabeh tidak sedar suaranya yang nyaring itu telah membuatkan beberapa jururawat menjeling ke arahnya.
Tanpa menunggu jawapan Wiliyem, dia berlari ke bilik kakaknya. Elaizabeh sudah tahu dimana tempat khas jikalau ahli keluarganya sendiri yang perlu dimasukkan ke wad, kerana hospital itu milik keluarganya.
"Kakak! What happened?!"
Kakaknya membuka mata. Melihat wajah Elaizabeh yang merah padam. Dia tergelak perlahan.
"URGH KAKAK WHAT THE HELL! Don't laugh at me!" Elaizabeh cuba menahan tangis.
"For God sake I'm perfectly fine! I'm just tired that is all."
"Sometimes I get tired too, but a heart attack? Not to mention on a healthy, gym-junkie like you? What the fuck?!"
"Hey mind your voice, Elaizabeh. Although we own this hospital, it doesn't mean you can be a prick and annoy the others." Suara kakaknya tenang.
Elaizabeh terdiam. Dia menarik nafas, dan perlahan lahan menghembuskannya kembali.
"Now, let me rest for a while, okay? I'm really, really tired." Kakaknya senyum. Elaizabeh terasa pelik melihat senyuman kakaknya.
"Oh. Elaizabeh, I'm so sorry and I love you." Kakaknya terus terlelap.
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Hari ini genap setahun kakaknya meninggalkan dunia. Elaizabeh berjalan perlahan ke kubur kakaknya;
'Melati Viktoriya, 1992-2013. "A Girl, A Good Friend, A Daughter, A Sister, and A Badass Angel. May God places her in a good place among the good people."'
Elaizabeh tergelak dalam sebak. Itu permintaan kakaknya semasa kakaknya terbangun sebentar dari koma setahun yang lalu. Elaizabeh bersangka dengan gurauannua itu, kakaknya telah pulih, rupanya itu gurauan terakhir kakaknya.
Hari ini juga Elaizabeh akan membaca surat kakaknya yang khas untuk Elaizabeh. Peguam keluarganya baru sahaja menyerahkan surat tersebut kepada Elaizabeh semalam, dengan pesanan bahawa kakaknya mahu Elaizabeh membacanya di 'hadapan' kakaknya sendiri.
'Elaizabeh my love,
First, I'm so sorry. This is not an ordinary letter and I want you to be ready to except who your Kakak truly is.
I always got very mad with you when you told me that you are fat, remember that? Hahaha! I even punched the boy who call you fat when you were in middle-school. You hate me for that because he was your first crush ha!
You are beautiful, you are never fat in my eyes. I'm proud of you when you start to love yourself and be content and confident with your body. I am very happy.
And that is why I envied you. Why, you asked? Although I'm a world-famous runway model, envied by a lot of women, and a gym-freak?
Because inside, I am suffering.
I am bulimic. Yes, I have Bulimia Nervosa. You noticed my frequent trips to the toilet? My scarred knuckles? My binge eating? My excessive gym hours?
I'm scared, I'm depressed. I don't know why but I never feel sufficient. I don't want to be perfect but I always think that I need to be.
I hate seeing myself on the mirror. And if I did, I'll binge-eating alone. And then I'll throw it all up into the toilet bowl, and flush it. And with that, I felt a bit of my problems were also flushed away. But not for long.
Only Ayah Charles knew about this. He even tried so hard to help me. I made him to promise that he'll never told anyone; Ibu, Ayah, You, Atuk, Elbert, Dayana, everyone-- about my illness. Because I thought I can handle it. One time I am 'cured' and 'recovered', but only for three months. Ayah Charles were frustrated and worried, but he still tried his best. Please send my love and thanks to him.
Everybody have their own 'demons', and being bulimic is my demon that I'll always have to fight, and eventually died from it. Haha!
Elaizabeh, I'm really sorry to disappoint you. I'm not perfect at all. I'm ashamed of myself, for giving up to this sickness. Looks like I'm not that badass as I want to be.
My dear adik, this is the end of my letter. By this time, I am too tired to write more, although I still have tonnes and tonnes of things to tell you.
Please take care of yourself, my adik. Remember that I love you too much. You are my only adik and the only daughter left who can make Ibu and Ayah happy. I hope you can explain this to Ibu, Ayah, and Dayana. I'm so sorry to burden you. And if you're wondering, yes, I did write a letter to Elbert too, and he'll also be reading em today. So you don't have to explain everything to him. I just hope he doesn't hate me.
I love you, baby girl. So, so much.
With love,
Kakak '