Dead Reckoning 2- Day 4

Dean can't shake the feeling of emptiness that's consuming him.

He's been home from the hospital for three days. All he's done is lay in the dark, wishing he could feel anything other than the debilitating pain and sadness.

Seth is doing his best to be there. Dean respects that; it's more so that he doesn't want the love and compassion that Seth is giving him. His body failed; he feels he's the reason their baby died. No matter what people tried to tell him, he knew the truth. He'd had one job: protect their baby until she could be born healthy. He couldn't even do that right. He really doesn't understand why Seth is still here.

Seth has tried to tempt him with food; Dean's not hungry so he refuses it. The most he'll take is water. His hormones are influx, causing dry mouth. He can't deal with that.

You need to eat. Seth's urging rings through his memory but he lets it go.

Seth's tried but Dean refuses. He's now leaving Dean to his own devices. It's painfully clear that he doesn't know what else to do.

Dean curls up on his side and faces the wall. He can't resist running his hand around his belly. He's used to his stomach being firm and full of life, the baby kicking away. Now there's nothing there. He still looks pregnant but there's nothing there.

She's just gone.

Dean tries to sleep but can't. When he closes his eyes, he's haunted by her perfect face. That's been one of the hardest things to accept. The simple fact that she had been perfect. It had been nothing more than a terrible accident. She'd just managed to move in such a way that her umbilical cord knotted, drastically shortening her fantastic life. So instead of functioning, he just lies there.

It's been a week since he shared that final moment with their daughter. Had it really just been seven days ago that he laid in this very spot, hell, this very position and told their child about their excitement? Laid here and felt the miracle of those tiny kicks?

Light streams in from the hallway. It burns his eyes, causing Dean to look away. He hisses, jamming a pillow over his head. He doesn't want to snap, but all he wants to do is be left alone.

Why is that so difficult to comprehend?

"Babe, brought up some tea and toast," Seth says timidly. Dean can hear the mug crashing against the plate. "Do you want to try to eat something?"

"Not hungry," he lies. His stomach twists angrily, the smell of the toasted sourdough spread thick with sweet butter making his mouth flood with saliva.

"Sit up." Seth says as he sets the tray on the bed table and pulls the pillow from over his husband's head. "You're not starving on my watch." Dean winces, the harsh note in Seth's voice causing him to draw back.

"Come on, Dean. Don't make this difficult. I really don't want to have to force-feed you," Seth says as he tries to hold the plate up to Dean. This actually causes him to take in the aroma of one of his favorite comfort foods and resists succumbing to the urge to finally eat.

Dean can't bring himself to grab the toast, no matter how much he might want it. He's physically hungry but has no mental desire for sustenance

"Dean, I love you," Seth says, setting the plate aside and picking up one of the toast halves. "One bite. That's all I need." Seth holds the toast up to Dean's lips.

Dean reluctantly takes a small bite. It's for no other reason than to appease Seth. It doesn't taste like anything. It's just a spongy leaden weight. He swallows hesitantly, doing his best not to gag.

"No more. I can't. Getting queasy." It's threatening to take over, his stomach rolling. Dean lays back down, curling up in the position he's grown used to. He feels the bed dip, Seth's arm slinking around his waist. The unexpected contact makes him cringe. Not only does he not deserve this but it only serves to further remind him that their daughter is gone.

The doctor's tried telling Dean it wasn't his fault. Seth's tried telling Dean. it wasn't his fault. It was just a freak thing. The chances of it happening ever again are miniscule.

Dean doesn't believe that for a second.

As Dean sinks further into his head with sleep threatening to take over, he swears he faintly hears Seth.

Babe...Dean...please come back.