distant

"you're very distant."

i looked at her. there are wrinkles in her forehead. angry ones.

"yea, i am." i answered, slowly.

"but why you act like you cared when at the end you will just put a distance between you and everyone?!"

"because i am selfish." i chuckled for a bit although i do not know why.

sighs. "are you REALLY that selfish?" she stared at me. a strong one. i feel a little bit uncomfortable.

"i think you just do not want to hurt anyone and on the same time, yourself. you've given up with the idea of feeling any feelings at all that you prefer to be a loner and distance yourself from everyone! not to mention, you do not care if they started to hate you or not because you just gave up." she stands up. i can hear her heavy breaths.

"well, if that is your opinion. i have no right to say that it is wrong or right." i sipped my tea.

"what happened to you? who are you? how can 2 years can make you change this way?"

i smiled. "2 years, huh? well, a lot can happen in one single year itself. people can or cannot change. people will or will not change. i chose to be like who i am right now. i chose to not to care, to be ignorant although i really cared. i chose not to feel anymore because my heart, it is full of scars that it can barely function like it did. i chose to be a loner because i have my own pace and i do not want anybody to step in it. i chose to put a distance because i just want to be forgotten. i am a living contradiction, a living metaphor. i want to exist and on the same time i do not want to exist. and right now i want you to go away although you are ME."

silence.

i continued to drink my already cold tea.