24The Greek tragedy

24

The Greek tragedy

featuring

a Welsh nutter

a northern sucker

and

a token fucker

1995

The song:- Drugs don’t work the artist :- the verve

The song:- Common People The artist:- Pulp

The song:- High and Dry

The artist:- Radiohead

Some time ago my older brother by a year and a half started his nurse training in South Wales, where he had the pleasure of meeting an array of welsh nutters,

some of them became good mates, and some of them just drifted away, never to be seen again,

and one of these nut jobs attached herself to me, don't get me wrong I fell in love, of sorts, and the lovely girl came across as a beautiful sane brunette, but Christ was she anything but,

and my story starts with a Welsh reunion in caersws,

I joined our kid on this jolly to meet up with the Welsh crew, that had been some great friends of his, which included an ultra sexy girl called Paula,

She was a trained nurse, and as i said earlier I was about to find out she was also a professional fucking nut job in her spare time,

but they do say you cannot have everything in a woman Can you, two out of three can’t be all that bad, what's a bit of insanity between friends and lovers,

She was dam fucking pretty though , and in a uniform, to boot, what's not to like,

again a bloody shame about her other attributes, like being a potential axe murderer, with psychotic tendency’s, (I bet you can tell I was a little upset at the time,)

To be fare, when we were first introduced by Phil (the first welsh friend and colleague of our kid I got to know, ) she was so sweet, she was polite and beautiful, she was thoughtful, and very very flirty,

Now I don’t know if it was all an act for the purpose of drawing me into a relationships? (Which makes no sense at all as she dumped me and broke my heart) or she acted like that with everyone,

But our first meeting went splendidly,

we drank, we flirted, we smooched, and we went are separate ways,

and all was well with the world,

from that first night and until i arrived back to my home town of warrington we were in contact constantly,

It was like a silly little school boy crush,

and from there on in we talked daily on the telephone, (landline of course, mobiles were a new entity only for the well off and the arse holes that live on credit)

Paula visited me as many times as she possibly could, she seemed to like it in the north,

she really did like it everywhere in the north, she was a little to willing to show me how much whenever the chance arose, and i would like to think it arose a lot,

so the stars were aligned and the chemistry was just right, and soon we had made arrangements for me to meet up at Paula’s home town of Swansea, and with that, I made my way to bank Quay train station to start my very long journey to a far far away country full of sheep and welsh people, for a long weekend, and a history lesson in welsh culture, or if you like a welsh English alliance, or it could be just a shag fest, make of it what you will,

the weekend went splendidly, we talked hypothetically about everything, about children about where we would live, what type of house we would like to live in, kids names, and although the love word was never spoken, things were looking pretty dam good,

And when it was time for me to leave, the two of us just stood embraced on the platform of the station for what seemed like an eternity,

but finally, we had to part and go our separate ways,

so with tears in our eyes we separated and I boarded the train for England, with the promise of a phone call on my arrival back home,

And with that promise kept, our relationship may have taken a different direction than the one it possibly should have gone,

Paula was so full of life and impulsive, she had decided we were to go on holiday

Steady on girl!

She decided we were going abroad, (and who is paying for this little trip then?)

She decided we were going to Greece, (Do I have any say in the enormous decision in our lives?)

She decided We are going in June, (And What about my job?)

And she tells me she’s paid the deposit ( your having a fuckin laugh)

So I did what any strong independent man would do

I folded without any discussions,

I agreed to all the terms and coughed up my life savings on a holiday in the sun to a place i had no disire to go,

But it was with a sex mad beauty, who I think may just love me?

I should have at this point thought with my head and not my penis, maybe then I may have spotted some of the signs of the complete madness, of a welsh nutter, (Sounds like a book eh?)

So Paula arrives at my house on the afternoon of the day before the holiday of a life time with the woman of my dreams,

And straight away we meet up with friends (my friends were now her friends,) for drinks at are local, the barley mow, a tea time session was on the cards, and into the evening and later we all retreated to my house for bit of music, a joint, and more ale,

and as the friends left or passed out, me and Paula moved to the bedroom, drunken sex ensued,

But the next thing, we hear a beeping, and I have to scramble to the window, I see the airport taxi waiting,

so it’s a mad dash to throw some clothes on and jump into the back of the cab,

We now head down to Manchester airport,

And Paula let’s me into a little secret,

and this is done by the opening of her legs exposing an angel of mercy!

Fuck me, no knickers Paula, ( I wondered how she earned that nickname,)

She then adjust herself so she is positioned to pleasure me on are trip of a life time,

and I took off before we even got to the airport,

I exited that taxi full of smiles and in need of a drink,

We could not keep are hands of each other on the flight either,

we were grappling and hugging caressing and kissing, I did feel sorry for the old dear that was sat in the middle seat between us,

Day 1

we arrived in Corfu with a bang, a mile high bang, and were deposited at are allocated hotel just after four pm local time,

we were in the room no more than five minutes before Paula jumped me again and again and again,

I’m seriously getting sore now, And am in need of food, so this was mentioned,

well you would have thought I told her she was a shit shag, and an ugly fat bitch to boot, because she just lost the head, She verbally attacks me like a demonic witch, high on fucking coke,

venom and spittle firing from her lovely formed lips, (quite a turn on actual but probably best not to mention this while she's venting)

she turns quickly dresses and fucks off out of the room without another word, and I'm left sat on the end of the bed scratching my head, thinking who the fuck was that who just left?

Twenty minutes later I’m showered dressed and down in the bar, expecting a night of loneliness, but soon as I entered the bar Paula leapt on me,

legs wrapped around my waist, her arms around the neck, my head and face are attacked with sloppy wet kisses, with here lips drilling me like woody woodpecker on heat,

and as she dismounts she casually asks where have I been, as she had been waiting forever!

Fuck me, so Paula’s back and seems to have no memory of the last hour,

and the demonic witch seems to have fucked off to her coven,

so the evening goes pretty dam good, lots of drink and lovely food, followed by dance and fun,

we arrive carefree back at the hotel for a night cap around one in the morning,

and chat to the gorgeous Adonis of a barman named fucking Adonis, if you can fucking believe it,

the well dressed bastard had shoulder length jet black hair, greasy as fuck in my opinion, deep brown piercing eyes, a chiselled fucking chin with sand paper bristles,

and muscles on top of fucking muscles,

so why the man is wearing a white T shirt that would not fit a twelve year old is beyond me,

anyway the three of us chat away over cocktails, why Paula picked sex on the beach doesn’t bear thinking about,

I say we all chatted,

Paula’s mouth was so far open her chin was resting on the table and dribble started to pool around her bottom lip,

It was time for bed and I suggested this,

and I wish I hadn’t because I did not realise Paula had fucked off again, and the demonic witch had retuned to replace her,

her head spun round like the exorcist! Her eyes burning right through to my bones,

a quick exit was on the cards and I was up to my bed with a blow of a kiss and a see you later my love,

Day two

The next morning when I woke Paula was nowhere to be seen,

but there was a map with a note,

saying gone to do some sun bathing with Adonis,

but bless her, she kindly left instructions of where I was to find them both if I wish,

if I fucking wish! I was fuming, full of fucking heart this one! and of course I went,

and where I found them was definitely a beach,

but no ordinary beach, yes of course it had to be a nudist beach, and there in the distance were the naked bodies of Paula and Adonis, and as I hid in plain sight, I just sat and watched,

my disguise was that of English man abroad, a disguise consisting of beanie hat and shades,

I’m thinkin the oil Adonis is applying to Paula’s naked smooth shiny body would be redundant the places he was trying to put it, but with great success I might add,

And when the Greek fuck had finished oiling up every part of my girls body, he stands and stretches,

now this is where he’ll fail as a man, One thinks, and as he turns to face my direction there is no mistaking the conga of an erection on this man beast ,

and to top it off Paula’s arm stretches upwards towards the beast to take hold,

but from the distance I was at, it looked like she’ll maybe be needing two hands on that baby! even a little help from some friends wouldn’t go a miss,

well enough is enough I’m on my feet fuming, a man can only take so much, I mumble, just loud enough for the sickly couple holding hands and whispering sweet nothing's to each other on the next table to turn there gazes to me, “fuck off” was not said but was thought,

A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do, I turn on my heels and scuttle off on my toes to a local tavern for a beer or two, and a plan to get off of this fucking island,

well my plan did not go so well, the holiday rep gave me the unfortunate news that not only can I not get an earlier flight out, they could not find me another hotel room either,

not without great expense to myself,

so I’ve gotta suck it an see,

I did not see Paula for the rest of that day, I drank and drank shuffled around town like Billy no mates, then back to the hotel room.

My deep sleep was broken with a groaning and a dead wait that seemed to be pressing me down, I slowly opened my eyes to find Paula naked on top of me, thrashing about like a possessed prostitute, well I was not about to complain,

the noises Paula was making were louder than a screaming baby that keeps you awake at night,

but again who am I to complain,

she was thrusting wriggling and thrashing about like her life depended on it,

and when she was done with me she gently kissed my lips, stroked my face, and said, now fuck off loser, and with that she proceeded to push me out of our bed, ( and I thought we were in love)

I smacked hard onto the tiled floor, the back of my head bouncing of it like a ping pong ball,

I slept the remainder of the night on an air bed on the rooms balcony,

Day three

I escaped first light for breakfast alone,

I chose a back street taverna, as I was looking for authentic cuisine from the Greek god of food, I was eating my Greek yogurt, washed down with sausage bacon eggs toast and coffee, assessing weather I should turn up at the ferry port, where Paula and I had pre booked the obligatory booze cruise,

Will she be there?

which one of her fucked up personalities would turn up,

do I care anymore,

with tears in my eyes I decide I don’t,

but I do fancy a bit of fun,

so what better than a boozed up party with loads of young hip people,

i sit outside a bar across from the quiet harbour , with my unique disguise once again well in place,

my eyes on high alert scanning all angles in search of any fucked up welsh nut job approaching, which would decide how my day was going toplay out,

fortunately ten minutes before departure of the booze cruise there was no sign of any of Paula’s personalities approaching, so I decide to make a dash for it and board the cruise, and as I reach the top of the quay and step onto the boat with no going back, I hear the unmistakable dulcet tones of a woman with welsh undertones singing at the top of her voice, and I glance in the direction of the noise that one can only use the words cat and strangled in the same sentence,

yes it was the welsh wonder arms waving and bouncing in the thick of it,

the music pounding off all corners of the boat but still she could be heard and she spotted me, and now I could not get off this hell hole as we had set sail, for fucks sake where’s the bar!

I take solace looking over a half full, or was it half empty beer glass, at all the bikini clad women flirting there way all over the boat,

except in one direction mine,

I think I stank of poor fucked up loser, with a small dick, stay clear was written across my forehead,

and of course they did,

It was like I had a big radiation field around me with signs sayin keep out disaster zone, so there was only one thing for it now that we’d anchored,

a dip in the ocean to get the juices flowing,

so off to the top deck, and I dive in, we'll more of a belly flop, one splash and I'm in, I drift and relax, and go under to take a look at all that natural sea life,

but even the fishes sense something,

and they to fucked off in all directions, so back on board it is then,

I doze in the sun catching a few rays, unfortunately what seemed like minutes later was not, I was woken by a rep on the boat, only to be informed the cruise was over and we’d docked,

it was at this point I felt the pain ! Oh the fucking pain

the back of me head to toe was on fire, burnt was not the word, cremated probably fits better, or maybe toasty, Well done even, Cooked to a crisp I could go on, but whatever,

all I knew I was feeling extremely under the weather, and had to get back to my room,

and that is where I spent the next three days with severe sunstroke,

I lay there covered in natural Greek yogurt stinking like sour milk and vomit,

And I never saw Paula again (thank god) till the day of departure,

I had just about recovered although I did look like a two tone lobster,

we arrived at the airport with no conversation, that is until we were on the flight,

then Paula turned into flirty Paula, full of chat and cuddles,

I of course play along for an easy life, and all was well again with the world,

we landed and taxied back to mine, where Paula was stayin with me untill she was to catch a train back to Swansea the next day,

right this is it I thought, I hold all the cards and can now finally get my own back,

I can leave her on the door step with the words fuck off loser,

I know she’s skint, so she better get hitch hiking,

but before I can say anything she looks at me with her big blue eyes, her turned down lips,

and a squeeze of my hand, she asks to borrow £200, fuck me the cheek of this woman,

I hand it over without a word,

She fucks off in the waiting taxi,

I never seen the money or her again, her phone number has been disconnected,

And to this day I have no fucking idea what went wrong.