8The initiation Featuring Randy brandy

8

1982

The band:-Adam and the ants

The song:-goody two shoes

The band:- hot chocolate

The song:- it started with a kiss

The band :- the jam

The song:- a town called malice

September to November 1982

THE KNOB

Robert was my mentor, and it was my very last painting job for wirlderspool painters, in fact my painting and decorating career came to a close after this job, in fact my life very nearly came to a close as well, which will become much clear another time,

this also was the time when my employment prospects made a change of direction, when an opportunity in the retail industry fell into my lap again another story,

Rob was a twenty five year old knob head and he stood around six ft tall with a black quiff style haircut, which was left long at the back similar to a mullet,

and he definitely thought he was God’s gift to women, and to be fair he probably was, well maybe to the unfortunate few who were taken in by his absolute bullshit,

I thought he was a cocky fuck, but on the flip side you could have a laugh with him, and there was no harm to him as long as it was in small doses,

so a week into the painting job, which was on a new post office building on some industrial estate near birchwood, all the lads on site were offered unlimited overtime,

which was sanctioned for every Saturday, until the job was completed, you see the job was well behind schedule, due to the inspectors knocking back all the shoddy workmanship that they seemed to find on a daily basis, and all this lost time had to be made up somehow,

which was great for the workers because you could make a few extra pennies and still get to the pub before 2pm for a pint.

Saturday morning arrived, and as I arrived on site I was wondering if Rob the knob was going to try and catch me out with his childish games once again,

because all week he has been sending me on many a wild goose chase ( for example I went all over fucking town looking for tartan paint,

and being left handed myself I truly believed there had to be such a thing as a left handed screw driver,

and a long weight was just not that funny when you miss your lunch our weighting for fuck all ,

and this went on day after fucking day, what a fucking prick, and all in the name of, (as he puts it) the initiation,

THE BEGINNING

January to April 1982,

Willy decs is the nick name of wirlderspool painters, and this was what I considered my first proper employer following a dalliance with window cleaning, and various other enterprises that I turned my hand too, after school had turned its back on me with a pat on the head and a fist full of exam results, which of course meant nothing in the real world,

and all these other ventures, we're I might add complete and utter failures,

but it was in January of 1982 where I was 6 months into my foray with the world of paint and decorating through a government scheme called the task force (which offered school leavers a chance of developing skills in a variety of trades,)

when out of the blue I was offered an apprenticeship with wirlderspool painters with some obvious arm twisting from two of my uncles Keith and Brian, who were both well established painters within the firm, and the first job I was tasked with would drag me through winter spring and summer and with the former being the most trying as it was such a bitter winter,

It all started with a bridge in Clitheroe,

to me this did not look like any painting job that I’d ever seen, I thought the essentials to painting was paint paintbrushes, wallpaper and paste at the very least, this job however was outside, and consisted of cold wet steel and iron bridges with motorways flying across the top of them,

and the main job I was tasked with came with a lollipop,

a big fucking lollipop, with stop and go written on either side,

technology had clearly come a long-way since the early nineteen eighties, but surely even then there was a better way than to stick a big fucking lollipop in my hand and then be made to stand for up to nine hours stopping traffic at will,

now putting a seventeen year old lad in charge of traffic control could be in all probability bad for ones health, or in this particular case bad for many many road users health,

My first day started with a big fucking shock as I was picked up from the family home at 3.30am

old man Clegg was the designated driver of the day and he was very handy on the horn, which put him in grave danger, as he was fucking lucky he did not get lynched that morning as the neighbour hood took quite an offence at being woken up so early in the morning, also sat in the front with him were both my uncles, Keith and Brian, and in the back was Brian number two Mick Keenan and another young lad name of Quentin if my memory serves, so this likely lot were to be my new Comrades in arms,

my partner’s in crime,

my new posse,

or to be precise my new work colleagues, and as I was last in the back of the rusting white transit van that first early frosty morning, and as I was also the youngest (as later I found out Quentin was just eighteen topping my age by several months) it was taken that I would be the lowest of the low,

the skivvy

Or to put it another way the tea boy,

and the first thing my new comrades did as we headed at speed to the motorway, was to launch my pack-lunch out of the window of the van, dispersing my egg and cress sandwiches on white bread my pm coke and wagon wheel all over the tarmac bringing out a multitude of creature for the big feast that rained down on them from the heavens, (I think my colleagues took umbrage with my action man lunch box)

and the first thing this new designated tea boy did when we arrived at our destination was make the fucking tea, and at precisely four thirty am in the pitch dark it was allocated to the gofer tea boy to put out a shit load of cones to create a chicane of over a 100 feet to close off one side of the road running under a motorway bridge and to be completed before five am,

IS ROB A KNOB

September 1982

After the first two weeks on the post office job, Rob the knob's extremely outlandishly silly games seemed to have settled down somewhat,

and he had become quite the normal chappie, with a personality to match and a sense of humour that any human being would be proud of, he was also acting like we were best buddies,

and at that time I had plenty of real mates and really did not need another one, but I played along with Rob the knob, as it seemed the right thing to do especially as I did not trust the bastard one bit, and of course I was bang on the money,

but for now the rest of September went swimmingly, I seemed to have ingratiated myself with Rob and his crew, there was no more cheap gags and games at my expense, and I slowly I let my guard down and started to enjoy my time there on the job.

CONFUSION ON THE

ROAD

January

7am

Two hours into my new roll as a temporary traffic light, (well one of two, as Quentin was designated to be the second lollipop man for the opposite side of the road) well I thought I was about to die because with temperatures below zero I think there was a chance I had already lost my cock and bollocks to the elements,

And my hands were full of freeze burns from them sticking to the steel of the lollipop stick, my eye lids seem to have frozen open and I was finding it hard to breath as my breath froze as it left my mouth, but as it happened these small discomforts were the least of my worries on that first morning,

now I will never take full responsibility for what comes next for I did not have the full training in the art of stop and go signs, and I certainly was not up to scratch on the Highway Code on that frosty morning, so when I was trying to peel my hand off the handle off the lollipop, I could not have foreseen the mayhem that would follow,

just because the lollipop slipped and spun in my hands to the side that read Go, did not mean the fucking line of traffic that was building and waiting in anticipation for this action should shoot off so bloody quickly,

three cars quickly shot forward and were through the chicane and off on there way before I could rectify my mistake, which I did very quickly and flipped the lollipop back to stop, I would say just five or six seconds, unfortunately this quick change only made matters worse as the Ford escort which was next in line to pass go had to put on her brakes which was unexpected by the driver of the blue mini behind her, and of course the blue mini behind did not foresee this action either and ploughed, (very slowly I must add) Into the back of the escort, the escort lady reacted very badly to this manoeuvre, she was a lovely lady of around thirty years of age and dressed in a very sexy tweed two piece suit , short skirt just above the knee and laddered stockings, I only noticed all this as she was very animated for an older woman, and as she threw herself from the escort in a rage, she snagged her said stockings on her own open door laddering them to an inch off their life, showing a healthy view of a wonderfully shaped leg, and as she approached the mini driver for what I can only surmise a showdown with the driver, who I could not quite see from where I was standing,

but pretty quickly my attention was distracted away from the fun that was escalating right in front of me by an almighty thud, and as to what happened next was probably not very healthy for the company’s bank balance, let’s just say at that point I was just hoping Wirlderspool painters had a very healthy insurance,

ROB IS A KNOB

It had just turned eight am, and I was a couple of minutes late for clocking on , but it could not be avoided as my transport of the day a white lambretta 150 would not start, I find nowadays petrol helps with the movement of such things , but as a seventeen year old I neglected such matters, anyhow rushing to get to work on time seemed to put me off guard as I am usually very alert when entering the work place just in case the knob reverts back to his school boy antics, as it was I just rushed through hoping the foreman does not see me.

There was two of them,

and for the life of me I did not see it coming, they were straight on to me, there was one on each arm so quickly, I was stunned and I was on my knees in seconds, that’s when I heard the cackling laughter of Rob the knob, as he entered the main stage of this production, we were in one of the large rooms which was going to eventually be one of the main sorting offices for this new post office, and I was jumped by two big apes disguised as fucking chippies, (joiners) who were working on something in that part of the building that morning and were roped into Robs hilarious gag, the two big apes were expert in holding down a seventeen year old youth,

and another two other colleagues of knob head were experts in stripping a seventeen year old youth of all his clothing,

while knob head was extremely expert in wrapping me in industrial cling film,

oh such a fucking laugh, when the knob was satisfied that I was well and truly trust up like a silk worm, he and his knob head mates attached me to a scaffolding frame, that was unfortunately for me just hanging around there, either waiting for some painters to climb it to finish off painting the ceiling, or was designed to be there just to hang a seventeen year old naked youth to it, just for laughs of course, I was eel and truly hung out to dry there,

but that was not the end of this practical joke as I was about to find out,

my head was cling film free and I watched with fear in my eyes as Rob approached silently with a big pair of decorating scissors, and as he reached me at eye level he winked whispered relax and enjoy, he then knelt down and proceeded to fashion a whole of some description around my genitals, exposing my penis and balls to the elements, and that’s when the real fun begun.

MAYHEM ON THE STREETS

You may have gathered Quentin and I had yet to perfect a method of communication when it comes to lollipop usage, because it is definitely not wise for both the signs to be facing go at the same time,

The three cars that took off from my end of the chicane had only got maybe thirty feet when they came into contact with the convoy of vehicles coming the other way,

the lead car an Audi Quattro swerved the car coming the opposite way, where it went through a cluster of cones sending them in all directions, with one cone in particular bouncing high over the roof only to end up hitting the windshield of the car following behind, splintering it like a spiders web, with this the driver hit the brakes causing a small but loud 3 car pile up, luckily all other cars in this deadly game of chicken had stopped realising that something must have gone awry with the traffic light system, and with this I was hoping the damage was limited to a couple of dented bumpers and a cracked windshield, but of course I did not count on the old man in a Vauxhall cavalier who came tottering along from Quentin’s direction oblivious to anything in front of him, he had some how got himself on the wrong side of the chicane which allowed him free rain to plough into all our equipment which included very expensive sand blasting equipment a generator and stacks of fucking sand which turned the sene into something like Dunkirk beach in nineteen forty,

when all the sand had settled,

this latest mishap had taken my attention from the altercation of the lady in the Ford and the driver of the mini who turned out to be a young girl of around twenty dressed in a hippy fashion, beads around the fore head and so forth except the beads had vacated the fore head and been replaced by what looked like an egg as her fore head had ballooned from the whack she received from the twin set tweed ladies boot ( of course she’d taken it off to hit her) tweed ladie by now was sat on a grass verge minus any stockings and bleeding from what looked like a broken nose, and it was at this point I spotted out of the corner of my eye my uncles climbing down from the scaffolding that was supporting them while they were working on the underneath of the bridge, and it was then when I decided I should hitch hike home and hope I had a job in the morning.

THE INTRODUCTION

September 82

The room emptied but I could definitely hear childish laughter coming from somewhere outside of the freshly painted mail room I was hanging around in, my mind was racing as I had no way of getting out of this situation,

I was tightly trust up like a Christmas turkey with just my head free and my nuts and todger on show to the world, there was no use in begging to the knob to be freed,

first he will free me only when he is good and ready and second right now he was nowhere to be seen, and when I thought all hope had gone, a door directly in front of me some fifty feet or so away slowly started to open, and I breathed I sigh of relief, knob head has got bored and has come to release me so we can get on with some fucking work, only it did not look like knob, for one he was a female, and my god was she a very shapely female, a female without clothing and legs that went on forever and a chest that had no words to describe, she was the eighth wonder of the world and she was very slowly walking towards me, and I knew I should just close my eyes as I could feel myself getting aroused and I was definitely in no position to be getting aroused, but I couldn’t, and I couldn’t shut my mouth or stop dribbling either, when she arrived face to face, up close and personal she spoke only once, she said “hi I’m Randy brandy nice to meet you“ and shook my erection, she then disappeared from my eye line, and she knelt before me,

it didn’t take long, before I was satisfied and Randy was a distant memory,

the boys were back in the room clapping and cheering, and I was finally cut free to proceed with my day full of school boy jibes.

I was unable to concentrate for the rest of the day and I left work early feigning sickness, and my seven mile journey home almost killed me and my lambretta.