30A special gravy, a dead cat, and the unwelcome party

30

a special gravy, a dead cat and the unwelcome party

2008

Song:- I’m yours.

Singer:- Jason Mraz

Album:-the age of the understatement

Group:-the last shadow puppets

Song:- standing next to me.

Christmas Day

I woke very early on Christmas morning, as I had an appointment next door with a young looking but mature lady,

now I can’t talk, at the time I myself was in me 40s, now the lady in question was after her early morning Christmas gift, and as I was the one she wanted ta deliver it then who was I to let her down,

So I rose from my bed full of the joys of spring, and I did me one stretch and I threw in a sit up for good measure, and I was ready to go!

I was up on me toes and out the door,

I scaled the 2 ft wall that separated our houses with ease, and let myself into the neighbours place ever so quietly,

ya see a spare key under the obligatory flower pot always comes in handy, but not for me I had me own, such a generous lady are next door was, or maybe it was manipulation on her part so I was at her beck and call for my cock?

while I was tippy towing up the creaky stairs I had a thought, by Christ I hope her old man is out at work this wonderful Christmas morning!

or there will be one big surprise for him too,

and I’m guessing I may not come out of this to lightly myself,

and on that note one may even get to see how hospital staff cope with their lot on a Christmas morning, but fingers crossed and a bit of luck, all will be well,

I let this thought drift away as I attempted to scale the noisy stairs like your average local ninja,

I was hoping to add some spice and surprise to my lady friend,

so as I reach the bedroom door and gently turned the handle and with a slight push the door flew open,

and then with a majestic swallow dive I land onto the king size bed,

I had made it to Julie and her pussy before she had a clue as to what was happening,

Her cat had no idea either, and I’m afraid, things went down hill from that point,

the pussy lay there dead, with a perfect broken neck, she lay spread eagled under the duvet, The cat that is,

Julie on the other hand was not!! She was though, shall I say a little animated, she was up on her feet jumping up an down on the king size mattress arms flaying in the air, hair flying in the winter breeze slipping through the open bedroom window,

And noises like I’ve never heard coming from her wonderfully formed mouth, there were tears rolling down the cheeks that I can only describe as rosy and flush,

now I didn’t want to spoil

the fun we were obviously having at that moment,

but I regret it now when I said, “wots up babe da ya not fancy a morning romp then,” Well at that moment i had to flee, I had no idea that the devil lived inside this woman!

I had to dodge pillows and items that I had no idea women had in there bedroom, I was showered with all sorts of debris on the way down those stairs that I gently climbed only minutes before,

with the devil full of brimstone and fire, eyes pure red and evil, matching my every step, yes she was following me at a pace that I have never seen in my life, I fell through the front door onto the pathway with my shorts around my ankles, and my arse red raw with direct hits from the objects I was subjected to throughout my decent down to the outside world!

Then I heard The big slam dunk of the front door banging behind me as I lay on the concrete of the pavement with grazed knees and elbows, and thinking of my childhood,

as I lay there bollocks out on view, I was sure that the devil had retreated within the confines of her house, I could still hear some venomous vile noises from behind the door, but was confident that I myself could now retreat to my side of the wall, with some dignity,

although my heavy balls and cock may have something to say about that as they were on show to the two old girls across the road on a morning walk,

so with a wave a wink and a good morning, I left the old dears smiling,

now back inside the safety of my own front room I had to think about the day ahead,

So many things to do,

I have a Christmas dinner to prepare as I have a mate coming and he’s bringing the booze,

Now I would usually see the kids at some point over Christmas but they we’re away, so it was time for daddy ta play,

Once dinner was prepared and on the go, I cracked open a bottle of white, for a cheeky little drink,

and bang on time Pat arrives , but he is not alone , he has an array of drink, “fuck me Patrick”I said “who the fuck can drink that much, ever”!! Cause he had with him whiskey, vodka, gin, Many bottle of wine, beers of many varieties, and denominations, bottles and cans

What a Christmas Day! a day like no other,

it started with the two of us havin a couple of drinkypoos, and sitting at the dining table like two civilised chaps doing lunch,

and both of us bein straight, and with no hang ups about enjoying each other’s company, like two grown up males with a feminine side, and full of testosterone,

now at some point that I’ll never completely remember I was sinking gently into one of the two couches that I had, while I watch Patrick melt into the other,

I could just about hear the tv in the background but the visuals were blurred,

At that point my eyes were feeling very heavy and i had to close them, just for a moment, at that point the couch grew arms and spooned me,

holding me tight and enveloped me,

it then suddenly pulled me into its insides, into a darkness, a bluey darkness, or was it yellowish, or maybe green, then nothing,

“Wake up Johnny! wake up, we have to get the hell outta here, there’s gonna be trouble and we have ta get the hell otta here”

I struggled to open my eyes, but when I did I was in a room with yellowish walls, green curtains that were slightly ajar, there was a blue sky beaming beautiful sunshine through the crack of the broken window deflecting the colours of the rainbow dancing on the walls and ceiling

I sit up and I am looking into a goddess’s deep blue eye’s, she was dressed in what I can only describe as a champagne coloured flapper dress, straight outta the 1920s,

her hair was jet black and styled in a short bob with a tiara sat upon it, she was looking absolutely stunning,

and for some unknown reason I just knew her name, Kay, that’s it Kay.

I look her in the eyes and ask “what the hell is happening Kay? “relax Johnny” came the reply

“Your just in a deep deep hallucination”

I’m not real Johnny! I’m a character from the movie ya watching,” and when my eyes focused I could see this beauty mauff inta Patric just as I tried ta put me lips onta her

some hours later and 3 movies on I’m so chilled smokin a joint and talkin 10 ta the dozen to Pat about the phenomenon that we just witnessed, of course I mean the godfather trilogy,

But how did I get ta this point in the day without realising something amiss

well the simple answer was Patric,

the bastard had added a secret ingredient to the lovely homemade gravy I had lovingly prepared ta accompany the amazing Christmas dinner,

with all the trimmings, I might add,

and it was not fuckin salt!

The substance of his choice began with an E, ended in an E, because it was a fuckin “E” sprinkled with love inta my fuckin gravy

So the day is goin in a completely new direction than the one I presumed it would be goin, and this was confirmed with the sound of the doorbell, bein Xmas day no one was expected?

And then I look ta Patric and his face tells me everything, I new the fucker could not have a simple Xmas

When the doorbell rings a second time, I am now terrified of what characters will be crossing my threshold this evening,

well I think he hired a fucking circus, havin watched the parade of odd balls that crossed me threshold,

but sometimes ya just gotta throw ya self inta the middle of the volcano and hope that ya come out the other side,

and the other side I indeed arrived at, but the state of me on the other hand was a sight ta behold,

the door bell rang again, and me head was sayin for fuck sake just fuck off you fuckers I need me fuckin bed, which is at present occupied by a lady but which lady I have no idea but I am eager ta find out,

So I manage ta get on all fours ta crawl the hallway ta get ta the front door, and I used all the strength I had left in me, ta push with my legs with my back up against the door and levitate me ta a decent hight just ta reach the lock,

I hesitate ta open up the door in fear of what monstrosity’s I would be letting in this time, but ta me great relief there was no party lovin freaks ready ta trash me house and drink what’s left of the alcohol the first group did not get through

no the only thing i caught a glimpse of was a fist, as I flung open the door,

I had swivelled on me heels ta face the space left by door as it hit hard against the adjacent wall and as I said the only thing I did catch a clear sight of was the said fist as it connected directly and with precision squarely between my eyes,

nothin more ta be said about that evenin, I had no idea of whom my guests were, or more importantly if they enjoyed their time at mine , nor did I ever find out who lay waiting under my sheets in my king size bed, panting in anticipation,

all I do know she was not there when I returned home Some 24 hours or so later, ya see the last thing I felt was the back of me head as it struck the tiled hallway floor as I dropped backwards like a plank, and the next sight I see is the ceiling of a hospital ward , and thinking as I looked around and assessed the situation that I guess now I do know how the hospital staff cope with there lot at Christmas

The day after Boxing Day

I arrive at me front door with a broken nose a throbbing head a slight concussion and a bag full of medication, but I also arrive back home to a complete shock, I find a note nailed, yes fuckin nailed ta me front door, and it read that was for the death of my pussy! Signed husband of lady next door, Now was he implying I killed his love life due to me and his missus fornication

Or is he pissed cause I actually killed the cat?

Just one more point ta be made and that is on entering me house I found it spotless but no lady anywhere, and by god did I fuckin look! but what I did find was another note this time pinned ta the frame around the mirror hanging above the fire place, it simply said gone ta Indian