The replacement

&

The long weekend

Part 1

2020

The artist:- Stormzy:

The song:- crown

The artist :- imagine dragons

The song :- demons

The artist :- Lorde

The song:- liability

Now the story I’m about to tell you may have elements of fantasy, and is based on no true events at all, and is littered with fiction but the people in question are very real, very real indeed

Monday 25th May 2020

04.58 sunrise

The sun was rising rapidly as the mist was clearing, and the scene that faced the four individuals that were left standing with myself, was not a very pretty one,

let’s just say some individuals of the group that began the now horror weekend would not be picking up their pay check ever again,

sirens were heard in the distance to let the five of us know that the nightmare we belonged to had now come to an end,

unfortunately this cannot be said for the lost souls in this disaster

I stood and looked to my left and their stood Amanda still looking a million dollars although somewhat shy of most of her clothing,

and next to her stood Sharon covered head to toe in blood, a lump the size of mount suvia growing out of the back of her head, but she was still standing tall, and she was still smiling, while Fleur and Kerry sat huddled together on a tractor with the engine still purring,

and as my eyes focused and I surveyed the surrounding area I wondered what the fuck just happened and who’s body parts were scattered all over the ground?

Saturday 23rd May 2020

06.00 hours

Shrouded in mystery the lady in question introduces herself to me as Paige a trained nurse and part time rally driver who was joining our group for the next few days,

apparently our designated driver and first aider had gone down with the shits and would not be leaving his bathroom anytime soon,

now Paige was a very pretty girl, long auburn hair flowing all the way down her back so straight and so shiny (her hair products must be made from fucking magic stardust)

her sparkling brown eyes twinkled brightly, as the sun bounced off them

and then we have that beautiful smile, full of the most perfectly straight white teeth, the smile not only showed off the smooth complexion of her skin and the sprinkling of freckles that lay upon it, but it helped her face glow like an angel, to the extent that I’m sure there was an halo hovering above her perfectly shaped head, my eyes could not help a glance down to her Shapley body, though covered serenely with the well fitted uniform she was wearing it was you could just tell perfectly proportioned, right down to her toe nails, which were painted a rouge red and were manicured to within an inch of their life,

and all this (including the toe nails) was meant to be seen, and meant to be drooled over by any unsuspecting red blooded man, as the flip flops she was wearing were not the usual foot wear for that uniform or for the terrain we were headed, ( and admittedly I drooled just a little)

and where we were headed was up in to the hills and forests of the wilderness, heading back to nature for a weekend of outdoor pursuits with a sprinkle of fun and frolicking thrown in for good measure,

a bonding weekend if you like, with work colleagues who mostly despise each other, but have to tolerate each other for the sake of job stature,

although everyone is well aware of the back stabbing that goes on, and all are well aware of the main instigator to most of the unrest that bestows this group of fucking sad individuals,

so everyone is very keen that the weekend will help the group bond and eradicate any future disagreements,

so there’s smiles all around and an aura of well being at the beginning of this long journey to harmony,

and now with a very new driver on board, who has no expectations of this group, what possible could go wrong,

Saturday 23rd

06.30hrs

All introductions done and we were now on a four hour road trip to the wilds of Britain,

Paige must’ve been doing one hundred mph up that mountain road, but no one had noticed, as the atmosphere in the minibus was on fire, the reason for this at such an early stage of the weekend was, I think some sly bastard, who shall not be named, has added vodka to the various fizzy drinks that were bein consumed for breakfast, along with the pot fuelled homemade muffins, these of course were delivered on board in place of the original breakfast food and drink that seems to have been misplaced, again by some sly bastard, who again shall remain anonymous,

on arrival to our weekend destination the first to fall out of the bus was Ashar,

she was definitely the black sheep of this group, she was everybody’s friend but she had the largest fucking knife you could possibly purchase, it was by her side at all times, so she was ready to stab the back of any individual at any given moment, and she certainly needed no reason to stab you in the back, it was like a compulsion, an addiction if you will,

her personality was like her hair always changing, multi coloured and multi layered, if things were to go wrong this weekend then all eyes would well and truly be focused on her,

Brion on the other hand was a different kettle of fish, and he was next to emerge from the bus,

although not surprisingly he seemed to be unaffected by the high consumption of drink and drugs,

but this was no surprise as that was his persona on a daily basis around the work place, laid back and spaced out,

Amanda and Sharon toppled off the bus as a pair, and landed head first in to cow shit as a pair, as a pair they vomited, as a pair they rolled around in said cow shit, like two kids in a paddling pool, and as a pair they were in hysterics at the situation they had landed themselves in,

so as you will have realised these two fun lovin girls were inseparable,

Fleur stepped over the two girls as she wobbled her way ta the living quarters we would be sharing for the foreseeable,

Fleur was the glue between Amanda and Sharon, the sane one of the trio, and the spokesman who would reason an argument without jumping in with two left feet, or two right feet, infact any feet at all, unlike the other two lively friends.

Bringing up the rear was bobby and Kerry,

bobby worked one day a week with us, and was seriously into nature, he was very keen to join us on this little jaunt into the wilderness, probably just to show off all of his many skills he had developed while in the girl guides,

the story goes he didn’t make the grade for the boys brigade?

he was a tall skinny fella, a very serious individual who like to dress in black combats head to toe,

I suggest he would carry a large machete on his left hip if he could,

and he rattled so loud with all the keys he had clipped to his belt buckle, so many keys I don’t even think there’s enough Locks in the world for them to fit,

and he would definitely have a huge disadvantage as the ninja he aspired to be,

he had every coloured pen you could possibly have or need lined up in his breast pocket ready to take down any messages that came his way, and in code if it was nessassary

and the man would never be seen dead without a fucking screw driver, a multi headed one of course,

Kerry was a relief staff for us but worked with Bobby in another department, Kerry always liked a good time and this weekend in her eyes was gonna be just that,

Kerry fell off the bus just as she had got on, fucking immaculate not an eyelash out of place although she was literally cross eyed and jelly legged which gave way as she attempted to step from the bus onto terra firma, and with that giant step for mankind she dropped to her knees, before folding like a cheap suit in slow motion face first to the ground where she too found a newly formed cow pat,

I’m afraid her make up from that point was shall we say a little tainted, at witnessing this I was off that bus quicker than an accidental wet fart, and came to Kerrys rescue, I got behind her to pull her head by the perfectly coiffed hair she once had, and drew her face out of that pat faster than a speeding bullet, thus saving her from drowning in shit, I was the hero of the hour, well in my own head I was, Kerry on the other hand just dismissed the rescue as par of the course.

10.00hrs

At 10.15 hrs a car approached, and as captain bob the obvious pointed out, it was undeniably the activity instructors,

There were three of them and they would be running all aspects of the weekend,

they greeted us all full of energy and enthusiasm, and were eager to get the day started,

in fact they were bouncing about like fucking Barney the dinosaur on a fucking cocktail of steroids and speed,

that was until the realisation of what they had to work with, and of course that was a bunch of fucking space cadets.

The group were ordered to leave our mobile phones at the front door, to clean ourselves up, to get some rest and reconvene in the dining area at 12pm prompt, there we were to pick up the itinerary for that Saturday afternoon, and all day Sunday, and this would be followed by the obligatory inspirational pep talk

Saturday 23rd

12.12hrs

it was when the speeches were at there height, that the penny dropped who was at the head of this trio of hyper health freaks, some one I knew far to well in a time long long ago.

Well the way the story goes, some 24 years ago I was a team leader working with the princes trust, doing something similar to what we are doing now,

and my direct senior at the time was a stunning girl with not an ounce of personality but an appetite for extra marital sex, which of course I was only too willing to help her out with, but this shall I say devastating consequences for her, and a few hairy moments for me,

she lost almost everything in her life and gained absolutely nothing, of course I could not reciprocate the love she confessed to me, which definitely did not go down well,

so you can imagine how the time we spent working together went,

and here she was again today standing in front of me, yes somewhat older and maybe somewhat fucking wiser, but certainly no more fucking interesting, as all I could hear in the dining hall at that moment in her inspirational speech was blahh blahh fucking blahh

The return of dangerous Ali was all that I fucking needed at this time of my life, I shuffled to the back of the group head down looking at the floor hoping not to be noticed,

I had changed significantly since we last met, for one I’m bald as a coot now, all my lovely blonde locks had flown the nest some years ago,

as for Ali well she has definitely lasted well, you can tell the maturity with the many lines on her face, each telling a story,

and one or two of them lines will be accountable to yours truly, the long blonde hair has been replaced with a silver pixie cut, but the body was still all in the right places according to the latex she was squeezing into,

and just when I thought I’d got away without being recognised, dangerous Ali finishes her speech stands a moment drinking in the adoration her colleagues show her then heads straight for me,

I did not have to lift my eyes from the floor to realise this, I could just feel her presence as she came to a stand still right in front of me,

well it was either my sixth sense or the fact she hadn’t changed her fucking perfume for nearly 25 years, Estee Lauder Pleasures, if I’m not mistaken,

and the scent takes me back to that mountain I hung on to for dear life,

The first conversation Ali and I had this century seemed to go well, we made small talk, apparently she had eventually married some fucking idiot who I would have to peg as a very understanding man and probably severely deaf, because she doesn’t half go on and on and on, she has children now, and she had done this, she had done fucking that with her life, (I think I fell asleep stood up)

and oh my god her fucking tone never wavers, and my only thought again just as 24 years ago was, will having sex help? but I myself am older and wiser, but as I soon found out still as fucking stupid.

Yes the sex happened, and it was in the staff room (which was situated at the top of the unisex dorm,) this was while the others were getting prepared to pair up ready for the first task, now I’m not proud of this lack of self control, but it was Ali who instigated this reunion, and it was bloody good,

she then reverted to type and pushed me off when we had come to a mutual ending, she also used some choice language about I’ll never change and such,

well for one thing she certainly hasn’t changed still the fucking nut job she was way way back in my mind,

Saturday 23rd

15.30 hrs

We all stood at the edge of a lake, and we were all paired off except for myself,

the couples were Amanda & Sharon, Ashar & brion, Bobby & Fleur, Kerry & Paige and then me, billy fucking no mates, that is until my worst nightmare was suggested, dangerous Ali offered to support me with this afternoon’s task,

well I almost collapsed in tears, the last time we were alone in the wilds I was left naked and alone on the side of a fucking mountain! (Well you can just go and fuck right off I shouted loudly, in my head,

while just standing there full of smiles and a twinkle in my eye)

there was an angel looking out for me on that day though, Paige spoke out and suggested that she partner me, and Ali join Kerry, why I have no idea? but to my fucking surprise Ali quickly agreed.

Then the question I asked myself was what the fuck was Paige up to? I do get a little paranoid sometimes.

The partnerships

Bill and Ben (the other two instructors) laid out a simple but effective plan for all to follow,

which was an easy exercise for the first day, and we all presume this was designed to ease the group into the fun of it all,

it was a simple task, we had to build a raft with items left at the side of the lake, paddle across the lake, follow the instructions on the other side and get back to base before sunset at 20.47 just in time for supper,

which will be lovingly prepared by the cook that wad just arriving as we were leaving for the day,

she was a rotund looking lady of around sixty years of age, who looked like she enjoyed the eating of the food more than the cooking, the red nose and vains that drew across her cheeks suggested she like the odd drink or three as well,

so let’s hope there’s something resembling supper by the time we all get back to base.

Ready steady go and all the pairs were off,

15.46

Amanda and Sharon

It took Amanda and Sharon just 14 minutes to throw something resembling a raft together and sail away,

it took Amanda and Sharon just 14 seconds to sink in that raft, but they persevered like the strong women they are,

they simply improvised and hung on to the piece of two by two that was holding the two plastic barrels together, and they paddled across the lake like the ending scene from the movie jaws,

at reaching the other side, albeit soaked to the skin they followed the next clue, they retrieved this clue from the unusual place of the bonnet of a fucking shiny black Range Rover,

now this clue should help to get them back to base pretty dam quickly,

what with Bill and Ben sitting there waiting to give the two of them assistance in their big shiny black Range Rover and with aspirations of assignation on the boys minds they were gone in seconds ,

Sharon was sat on the back seat with Bill, stroking his fucking ego,

while Amanda was smouldering in the front, she only sits in the front as she always travels first class, Ben was doing all the talking, but it was obvious to anyone but himself he was getting nowhere fast, except exactly to where the girls wanted to be,

and that’s back to base,

Amanda suggested to Bill and Ben to reconvene at a more convenient time later, maybe when everyone was sleeping, or when hell freezes over, The girls quickly retreat to the showers where they both refreshed themselves and threw on onesies and night gowns before retiring to the communal area.

Ashar and Brion

Cheating from the off, Ashar and Brion jumped into an old motorboat that was tied to a jetty just a couple of hundred feet from our starting point, this was missed by Bill and Ben as they had took off with their guests, in their shiny black range rover once we were all fumbling around from the off. Ten minutes later Ashar an Brion were on dry land and flying through the nearby forest waving the next clue above their heads as though they’d achieved a fucking gold at the Olympics, and generally cheating usually does gets you a gold medal at the Olympics,

unfortunately for Brion, Ashar had a passion for foraging and dragged the poor bastard into picking all sorts of shite from bushes and follage, mushrooms being the main feature in this hobby of hers,

now here’s the funny part. Later according to Ashar, apparently Brion had took it upon himself to try some of the mushrooms they had picked on the way back to base, (Brions dislike for mushrooms is ledgendary around work)

Ashar burst through the main entrance screamin to any one around to come and help, it seems Brion had collapsed just a couple of hundred feet away, at the edge of the forest vomiting like a bastard,

and you’d think he was wearing camouflage paint he was so green

We got Brion to a bunk in the side room next to the main dormitory and Paige checked him over, and the result was in,

and would you credit it, it was only fucking mushroom poisoning, if there is such a thing,

and all eyes turned too Ashar who exploded into small particles with shame,

no of course she didn’t, the brazen cow just sniffs and says do you think I care,

Bobby and Fleur

Fleur was unrecognisable ten minutes into the first challenge,

she was screaming but with a controlled voice, albeit not quite understood by bobby as her Irish accent grew stronger as her frustration emerged to the fore, when she realised they were not going to leave the bank of this lake anytime soon due to the fact of Bobby’s methodical way of working,

he took this challenge very seriously like he does with anything he turns his hand to, and with this challenge he seems to be building a fucking ark, using just his trusted Swiss Army knife and a screw driver, multi headed of course,

Once the paint had dried on the hull of their luxury cruise liner, and the launch seramony was over Fleur and bobby set sail,

in reality Fleur constructed her own raft in approximately 10 minutes, and promised bobby a blow job later if he just climbed aboard, seconds later they were flying to the other side of the lake going at least 69 mph, as bobby now was a very keen rower, and seemed to be very keen to get to the other side,

once they had safely landed they picked up their next challenge, which was like all the other teams, simply to trek back to base as quickly as possible, it was not quite that easy hiking through forests and scaling hills, on a cold wet Saturday evening,

Bobby of course had a compass and tracking devices, so they soon caught up and over took ashar and brion, who seem to have stopped to pick flowers and shit,

They arrive back well before sunset to find Sharon and Amanda, who were sat in the communal area all cosy in their pjs like they’d never left,

Kerry and dangerous Ali

Kerry is sat on a rock that has somehow formed itself into a makeshift armchair, she is brushing her long auburn hair with an ivory handled brush that she has retrieved from her survival pack, which of course is full of cracking essentials,

she sat idly surveying all the other couples rushing around on the muddy bank of the lake trying to build their make shift rafts, dangerous Ali did not look too fucking happy with this, and her fury quickly bubbled to the surface when Kerry started to apply bright red lipstick to her lips while admiring herself through her compact mirror,

well this was Kerry’s first mistake of the day,

the big splash brought several sets of eyes to turn and focus on the spot of the lake that Kerry had landed, having been dragged and thrown in by Ali who had just about cracked at the lack of enthusiasm from Kerry,

the verbals from dangerous Ali were vague,

but the top and bottom of it was for Kerry to fucking swim if she was not goning to help,

and to everyones surprise she started to swim, bless her, although she had no choice, dangerous was quickly on to Kerry as she dove in and started to chase her,

and with every stroke that dangerous Ali cut through the water she also spat out some more words of wisdom

wether it was, fucking move your pretty little arse, or I’m going to fucking drown you if I catch you. Bitch,

well these words of wisdom were all the motivation Kerry needed, she was across that lake and lying on her back panting as if she’d just finished a twenty four hour shag fest,

Kerry was now focused and totally motivated, she was so keen to stay on the good side of Ali, and who the fuck wouldn’t,

Kerry stuck to Ali’s side as they moved on into the bush for two reasons really,

one she knew Ali would know exactly where she would be going, and would make it back sometime before most of the others,

and second she didn’t fancy chancing her arm, on the off chance dangerous Ali’s threat became reality,

suffice to say they moved pretty quickly through the bush, making up time and arriving back to the lodge shortly after bobby and fluer

PAIGE AND JOHN

Paige and I made a great team we worked in unison and had our raft built within twenty minutes,

now it wasn’t the greatest of workmanship, but it floated just fine and got the two of us across the lake in less than thirty minutes, and we were pretty much dry,

the problem we had, was all the other space cadets were already across the lake and on their way,

and it seemed some fucker had taken are next challenge from the tree that it should have been attached to, this was very concerning, as we had no idea what the next task could be,

Paige on the other Hand was unconcerned, she was focused, and just like a native Indian scout, she was on her hands and knees sniffing the ground, licking dog turds and looking for tracks, but tracks of what? fuck knows?

she looked up at me smiled and pointed to the forest with a long slender fore finger topped with a well manicured red finger nail “that’s the way home Johnny” (so we’re going back to our lodgings, I thought to myself with a sly smile)

so through the forest we began are journey home, with thoughts for a hearty meal at the end of along day, and of course I had thoughts of another kind, having spent the last couple of hours with the very sexy Paige, (after all we were on our way back having no other task, so the lodgings should be empty)

In unison Paige and I stop suddenly at the edge of a fairly insignificant river, now this was nothing to do with crossing it, it could only be a couple of feet deep, no this was because we caught sight of two shadowy figures in are Peripheral vision and now these figures were getting closer and closer,

I turned to Paige for inspiration but she was gone, nowhere to be seen, she had disappeared like fucking Houdini, so I quickly turned back not wanting to lose sight of these mysterious figures, and that’s when my arse exploded as I shit myself, this was due to suddenly coming face to face with our mystery guests, and with that I also fell backwards onto said arse,

and this only exaggerated the situation, the shit explosion shot up my back like a scatter gun, as my arse made contact with the ground, and as I sat there all soggy and shitty, my eyes followed the two pairs of very Shapley legs up to the body’s of two beautiful women, they were stood within touching distanced of me,

now this is where my imagination runs wild, am I going to die today? dismembered by two beautiful girls, or will they rape me and leave me wanting more? my hope of course was for the second, neither of the above actually happened, the two girls just held out their hands and helped me to my feet while taking a couple of steps back from me, (the look on their faces confirmed to me there would be no intimate interaction at present) probably

due to the smell that I was exuding, they look me squarely in the eye, gagged a little, took a couple of extra steps back and simply asked me for directions,

their story was they were on an extended hiking holiday, from Hungary but now they have found themselves somewhat lost, (well don’t fucking ask me I thought, not only am I lost and shitted up to the eyeballs, I’ve also lost my scout and partner, and I am now spell bound by these two Hungarian beauties with the most sexiest of acccents,) but with a blink of an eye I noticed Paige stood next to me,

like a fucking Genie from a bottle she had just reappeared right there, stood to my left speaking to these two girls in fucking Hungarian, you gotta be shitting me!

A threesome was on the cards right here right now, I was so giddy with excitement I think my erection gave me away, and as the three finished there pow wow Paige pointed to the distance , and with air hugs all around the two Hungarians were gone, and with that Paige turned back to me looked at my face, which was looking a bit sheepish, she then looked down towards my groin and laughed her tits off, she winked and whispered to me, “later Johnny later” followed by “but have a shower first”

now I’ll have to be honest , that bloody erection never left me all the way back to the lodge, and another thing that never left me was a sense of being followed,

I mentioned this to Paige on several occasions on the way back to base, but was met with the look of distaine and a dismissive laugh, but I swear I felt the presence of someone, and the games my mind was playing with the two Hungarian ladies would not fade, especially as we approached the clearing leading upto the lodge, because I swear I spotted the shadows of the girls just to my right, it was like two extras lurking in the background of a B horror movie waiting for you to die,

but before I could voice my concerns there was a commotion just ahead of us,

It seems brion had collapsed and the skirmish we observed as we approached was the rest of the group dragging poor brion back to the lodge,

Saturday evening

20.45hrs

we all as a collective had helped Brion to a bed (well it was more of a man cot) in a side room off the main dormitory, being a nurse Paige carried out a thorough examination, (the lucky bastard) and the outcome was some sort of poisoning, the main suspect being wild mushrooms, now over the next few hours murmurs of discontent swelled surrounding the inconsistency of the story relaid to the group by Ashar, but in the grand scheme of things this would soon be forgotten.

Dinner had not long finished and everyone was satisfied all with full bellies, all except poor old Brion that is, I’m afraid he was a regular to the shitter (it was coming out of him from both holes, and fairly regular) other than that the evening looked great,

the sun was going down, making way for a cool spring night, and the sky with no place to go shone so red it looked like it was on fire, and as Amanda and I were admiring this night in all its glory there was movement from beyond,

in a blink of an eye shadows crept across the window which reminded me of an earlier incident and the conversation that I never quite had with Paige and was lost in the midst of time,

I turned to Amanda to share my thoughts of earlier and of now, when there was this almighty explosion, shaking the foundation of the lodge, and shaking the thoughts right out of my fucking head once again, people were scrambling around to see what the hell had just happened,

bobby reacted first and reached the outer door quickly, but he had to retreat back inside due to the heat from the fearce flames thrown from the shiny black Range rover parked out in front,

the air was tinged with the scent of burning wood melted metals, rubber and petrol fumes, but with all doors and windows now closed and the group safely back on the inside, there was a deliberation to have, was this just an accident? what are we to do next? what steps can be taken to keep safe if there is someone out there with things on there mind other that asking for a cup of sugar?

Well it was time to talk, and I had the floor, I explained about the Hungarians the feeling of being followed the shadowy figures at the Windows, and asked Amanda and Paige for their thoughts on the matter, as both were with me on one or the other occasions, well the fuckers looked blankly at me and in unison they denied they’d seen anything untoward other than Paige agreeing she pointed the very nice but lost Hungarians in the right direction,

so the only thing the group agreed on was to phone the emergency service and explain about the accident? “Really” I’m screaming, “fucking accident! have none of you seen any horror movies over the past fifty fucking years, no fucker ever believes the sensible one! so we all fucking die m, Except for a token young pretty girl, so that rules you out Kerry, but for the rest of us well we are gonna be picked off one by fucking one, and murdered in the most macabre and unspeakable way!

Next you all will want to pair off, then go to fucking dark lonely places to give the fucking murderer the best possible chance to play with are fucking minds, before torture and death! you bunch of fuckin sanctimonious wankers”

This did not go down well and I was sedated and put to bed,

Sunday 24 may 2020

0500hrs

I was woken with the gentlest of stroking, and as my eyes slowly flickered open i had a vision of beauty looking back in my direction, this vision and I were almost as one, as her lips were brushing mine, and her tongue gently slipped into my mouth as the first kiss approach,

we kissed passionately,

I am sure this was a dream, one of them real life dreams you believe is so real until you wake up with a gasp, drowning in your on sweat, and you look around and you are by yourself in a very cold and dark bedroom, and you feel so deflated you dive back under the covers and squeeze your eyes so tight, trying to get back into the dream you had just left, only to find when you eventually drop back off to sleep you are getting fucking chased through a field of fire by demonic grannies, and they are gaining on you, because your fucking legs don’t seem to work too well,

you seem to be in slow motion, or running through mud, and as the skeletal faced grannies are on you to push you off that fucking cliff that was not there a moment ago, you scream in real life, and tumble off the edge of the bed,

and if that didn’t wake you or indeed the impact of the bedroom floor, the glass of water you knocked from the side table as you fell certainly would, as it soaks you on the way down,

but luckily for me as the stroking never stopped I knew I was alive and firmly in the grip of a real woman, and we were soon into the full throws of passionate love making, and as the climax approached Paige let herself go and screamed before collapsing and lying naked on top of me, she then moved her mouth towards my ear and whispered that my presence was urgently required in the communal area, (how fucking urgent can I be needed after those long hot sweaty passionate 3 minutes?)

As I walked into that communal area with Paige just at my right shoulder I noticed the sun rising through the window so I figured it must be Sunday morning, this was confirmed by Bobby who looked at his watch and commented it was now 6am and they have been waiting for me for awhile,

as I surveyed the room I realised there was an atmosphere lingering, there were tired expressions on each and every one of the group, as though they’d slept where they now sat, and fear seemed to be dancing on Every single face,

Dangerous Ali took to the floor to explain to me that the group were up most of the night discussing my outburst and though they came to the conclusion that I had been far too hysterical and very imaginative, they had decided to speak to the police, unfortunately she went on to say that when she had collected all are mobiles at the beginning of our journey, she thought it would be a fucking clever idea to lock them in the shiny black burnt out ranger rovers boot for safekeeping, this would limit the temptation for anyone to go mooching around for them just to get a hit from the world of social media,

At this point I held up my left arm, hand up and palm facing towards dangerous Ali,

I stayed relatively calm but strongly urged her to stop fucking talking, then quietly made the point that surely she or Bill and Ben would have a phone in case of emergencies?

She agreed they had but placed them in the boot also, I think once again I may have overreacted as a verbal tirade left my gob “so now we are stranded in the fucking wilderness waiting to fucking die, and with at least a six hour hike to any fuckin life I don’t fancy our chances,

Oh and there was no way of communicating unless we make fucking smoke signals “(actually Paige should be great at that) at that point the light bulb moment arrived, and quickly suggest to the group that we pack up are belongins take the minibus, clear the hell out, and send the authorities back later for the three knob head instructors, and this is where it just gets fuckin better, apparently while I was in my sedated state, bobby went on a rekkie to check the damage caused by the fire,

well as you can imagine the shiny black Range Rover was toast,

he also had the idea of packing up and taking the minibus back to reality, but what he had discovered was the tank being deprived of any petrol,

and his assessment was the fact there was a leak from the fuel pipe, “well bugger me” I say “finally you all get it,

do we all now agree there are two fucking sexy Hungarian nut jobs out there” (I pointed to the window for dramatic effect) “ready to pick the lot of us off one by one while we fucking run around that forest like twats on heat, with no idea how to defend ourselves”Amanda Fleur and Sharon in unison answer me “there’s no fucking monsters out there, you sad bastard,

they are just in your fucking imagination,

now calm the fuck down,

sit the fuck down

and shut the fuck up”

Well I was just gobsmacked, my eyeballs nearly left my sockets with the lack of urgency they seem to have, but they’re not yet finished, Fleur now takes up the mantle, and carries on the speech in her sexy Irish dulcet tone with “listen Jon we all made the decision while you took your little nap, that bill and Ben begin ex army” I had ta interrupt her, “ex fucking army your having a fucking laugh aren’t you! more likely salvation fucking army”

Fleur stops me with an evil stare that got the hairs on my arms to stand to attention, and then she carried on, regardless of my constant rants, “Bill and Ben” she says “have left to get the emergency services, they left an hour ago so we should be safe and sound and in are own beds tonight,

so who’s for breakfast” and she turns dramatically, then prances off into the direction of the kitchen with Ashar,

well I’m fucking speachless, I survey the room, Amanda Fleur Sharon are all sat round the dining table, gassing about hair products and the like, dangerous Ali and Bobby were sat on two lounge chairs deep in conversation about what I can only assume was Bobby’s array of coloured pens in his breast pocket, because her right hand was pressed up against them, and Bobby was doing absolutely nothing to remove it,

Paige was still stuck to my right shoulder, but now her left arm was around my the bottom of my waist and her hand firmly gripping my arse,

well it seems I have collected another female love interest, who will no doubt turn into another crazed nut job, this was in my thoughts at that moment, along with where the fuck is Kerry? Before I could act on my last thought and go looking for Kerry there was screams from hell vibrating around the building and coming directly from the kitchen area where Fleur and Ashar had just entered,

Sunday 24 May 2020

06.30hrs

“Someone’s broken a fucking nail” I quipped with a broad smile on my face while looking around at everyone’s expression, and every fucker was looking back at me with scowls of disdain, even perfect Bobby was shaking his head, “aw for fuck sake it’s just a joke” I shouted “you’re such a hard audience to please”

with this Bobby and dangerous got to their feet,

they suggested we should go and investigate as assistance may well be needed,

well assistance was not really needed, more like counselling should be on offer after the sight we came across when entering the kitchen,

It was a horror story, but he sight of Ashar French kissing the cook, well I say French kissing, the reality was when Fleur and Ashar entered the kitchen there was no sight of the cook, so they decided to prepare a full English for everyone, and so they went on the hunt for all the ingredients, only to find one too many ingredients in the guise of our elusive cook with no name, apparently she had taken up residence in the freezer with the pizza and pies, on pulling her out they found she was as frozen as an ice pop, but this did not stop the heroine Ashar giving mouth to mouth, only to find that she did not count on getting stuck like glue to the cooks mouth, and only then was it that Fleur decided to scream, bringing the group down on them,

and of course the sight we walked into was Ashar mounted on the naked cook with no name in the style of man on top, making love, she was also pulling at her lips that were clamped to the Cooks tighter than a nuns twat,

there were so many suggestions on how to get these two lovers apart, no one really knew how it happened, but eventually Ashar was separated from the dead cook, well most of her was, her lips on the other hand decided to stay attached to the cooks lips forever and a day,

Now the penny finally drop for the remainder of our group that we were in a dangerous place with dangerous sexy Hungarians hanging around outside, and as it happens now on the inside, and they have an appetite for freezing random fucking cooks for pleasure,

and as the temperature calmed, we all realised that we had to stick together as a group, and get the fuck out of there, because waiting for Bill and Ben could be the death of us,

Part 2

Sunday 24 May 2020

0800 hours

As we all levitated to the communal area, to gather our thoughts at the magnitude of our situation, and try to at least managed our nerves just to give us some chance of survival,

Amanda was the one who realised that Brion was still in his sick bed, and we all now needed to, at this critical point of the drama, to try and stick together, then move out of the lodgings as one group,

and it was right then when I realised that I still had not seen Kerry prior to finding a frozen cook in the kitchen bonding with Ashar.

Bobby, Amanda, Paige, Fleur, Sharon, Ashar, (minus her lips) dangerous Ali, and myself were all in agreement that we stick together, find Kerry, pick up Brion before collecting anything that could be used as weapons, then and only then as a collective make a tactical retreat through the forest back to reality, the alarm should have been raised by Bill and Ben by then, and we can get back to our mundane but cherished lives.

If we keep our heads, stay as a unit we should get to the closest community by the evening.

and it was at this point I fucking insisted that we actually stick together and not split up while we search for Kerry and weapons of mass destruction, because as I referenced earlier if you have seen any horror movies over the last fifty years or so, you will know that is what is fucking expected, well not us!

We stuck together,

well except for Paige who was nominated to stay in the communal area in case Kerry turned up, ( that’s the end of her I fear) but some one has to be sacrificed for the good of the cause, and it’d be handy for me in the process, not having to break up with another fruit bowl,

and so we went in search through that fucking building methodically, deliberately picking up anything to use for weapons on are way, the only thing we did not pick up was Kerry, she was gone, disappeared, the suspicions of the group was that she was in the hands of the two loon pots surrounding the building,

we had wasted more than forty minutes, thus giving our enemy the advantage of planning the perfect ambush, if they were inclined to do so,

so it was time we left, Brion was are last port of call, but what we found there will never be forgotten, if of course we survive this desperate place,

Brion lay peacefully on his sick bed, and I would of said he looked peaceful with his arms folded serenely across his chest, except for the hideous rubber clown mask he was wearing, not the usual bed time attire one thinks, Bobby quickly called after Paige to quickly come and join our little group gathered around Brion’s bedside, we decided to draw straws as no one was really coming forward to check his vital signs, since he was not actually making any effort to speak or move,

Paige was the candidate who lost, and the outcome was she would check Brion to see if he was breathing, she was a nurse after all, not that the draw was fixed because of her profession

the out come of her examination was that Brion was definitely dead,

and she came to this diagnosis when she attempted to remove the mask, her first yank of the mask achieved nothing, but left her holdin Brions head aloft with which she let out an almighty scream, dropped the masked head and it rolled a few feet and rested at the feet of Bobby,

Bobby’s Swiss Army knife was out within a blink of an eye, and he was on his knees cutting away at the clown mask like his life depended on it, that was when I suggested to Bobby that he needn’t be in to much of a hurry, as I suspect Brion was probably dead by now, and no attempts to give the kiss of life is gonna save him, well that went down like a bag of shite I can tell ya,

humour I suspect at this time is not the way to go,

Bobby finally removed the clown mask to discover a see through plastic bag covering Brions face, so it seems suffocation and decapitation were the likely cause of death ( overkill is what went through my mind,) as Bobby Knelt there with tears in his eyes and the rest of the group stood like mannequins stunned, not able to move, there was the sound of sniffles and weeping or was it giggling? coming from beneath Brions bed, and that’s when the panic kicked in, and all fucking promises of solidarity went out of the fucking window,

Ashar turned on her heels and pushed her way out of that room, she flew down that corridor like a cheetah with its arse on fire, this in turn set off Amanda Sharon and Fleur who backed out of the room hands clasped together looking to the skies praying to God,

this left Bobby on his knees, Paige, who was hanging onto me so tight I myself had no fucking chance of fleeing for my life, and dangerous Ali, who didn’t seem so dangerous at that moment as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

From the shadows beneath the bed a hand appears clenching the handle of a very big shiny ten inch cleaver knife dripping with blood, or to the layman a big fuck off knife capable of cutting off some ones head, I screamed like a fucking baby I don’t mind saying,

and for the second time on this fun packed weekend I think I shit meself,

a leg appeared next in what seemed like an age but could only have been a second, and as I quickly looked around for my means of escape, I noticed just to the left of me dangerous Ali stuck against the bedroom wall hypnotised, Bobby was on his knees with his head bowed and sobbing as though he had given up on life, and Paige was still like a fucking clampit stuck to me like fucking shit to a shovel, And at this tense moment I may have let myself down a little, when my thoughts were around sacrifice,

if I could peel Paige from my arms, I could then throw her to the wolves, and make a hasty retreat with the girls, who were now on their way down the corridor, this was just a passing thought and soon forgotten, as Kerry’s blood soaked head appeared from beneath the bed, I think everyone still in the room breathed a big sigh of relief at that moment, and we all scrambled to pull Kerry out and onto her feet,

a traumatised Kerry stood in front of us dripping in blood, still gripping the chopper in her right hand, and that’s when it hit me like a hammer to the head, what if this murder spree has fuck all to do with the Hungarians, after all they are really hot, what if the murderer was closer to home?

For instance, first Ashar did poison Brion with her cocktail of mushrooms, and now he’s dead and fucking headless,

Second Kerry disappeared, then reappeared like a knife wielding blood curdling extra from the Texas chain saw massacre,

then we have the one and only dangerous Ali with fake tears, who may or may not have destroyed all lines of communication, her comrades Bill and fucking Ben have fucked off for help or have they? they could be lying in wait, ready to pounce on the unsuspecting fucking idiots, who are running around the lodge with no idea of what to do, and how about Bobby and his fucking versatile Swiss Army knife, and his girl guides training,

then there’s Paige a new girl on the block, who in all honesty I feel would not hurt a fly, she may like to dismember human beings in her spare time, but fly’s can be safe in the knowledge they’ll come to no harm,

but the way she seduced me she’ll be the one I’ll be sticking to for the foreseeable, But you’ll notice I’ve left out the three girls, and that’s just a gut feeling,

but be clear I’ll not turn my back on any of them just to be on the safe side, fuck me it could be any one of them!

Paige finally loosened her grip on me so she could join Ali in comforting Kerry, together they took her into the bathroom to clean her up, Bobby and i stood guard outside, and once Kerry was ready, we all headed back to the communal area where Amanda Sharon and Fleur had been very busy indeed.

Sunday 24th May

10.42am

It was coming up ta 11am and we were no further on in our daring escape from this fucking nightmare, and after assessing how the girls had barricaded up a side room just off the communal area, and stocked it with food water bedding and weapons, it was clear they were going nowhere very soon,

they intended to wait it out, they had concluded that as the room had no windows the only exit was through the kitchen, which they had secured, so they were sure no one was getting in,

and if they tried they were getting very hurt,

now this was the point where I felt I needed to show them the error of their ways,

“first” I said “so you feel your safe now, fine, but for how long? who is going to come and rescue you?”

“Who the fuck can you really trust here if we all intend to stay together ?“ second, this being a log cabin, what if someone was to take it upon themselves to set fire to it?”

“What if there’s guns involved?”

“And lastly, did you see the fucking brutality of the kill! for myself i do not really want to be walking around without a fucking head, I have far to many nice hats to let that happen”

“so I suggest we leave under the cover of darkness” and I then quietly let them in on my secret thoughts on the rest of the group,

Amanda says that Ashar was nowhere to be seen when they arrived at the communal area, they all presumed she had just fucked of to her fate, because what was the point of living with no fucking lips,

I suggested she would save shit loads of cash on lipstick, they agreed, and we laughed unconvincingly,

Ten hours and counting, that’s the time we have before darkness falls and rescues us all from this house of fun for the last time, that was when we decided we would leave the house of fun, assuming we all survive, yes there may well be casualties along the way, but we will have to deal with that as and when it happens,

So with the girls all barricaded in, it was decided that just this once we’d split up to check the perimeter of the building, inside and out, lock and barricade all doors with us all on the inside, then wait for the designated time to get the fuck outta there,

so Ali and Paige agreed to check the front, while Bobby and I would check the back, nervously we set off, with the promise to the girls we’d be back within thirty minutes,

as you can imagine it was twitchy bum time, but Bobby and I got through all the checks and we were back behind the barracade within twenty minutes, with all the back of the property secured as best it could be,

but there was no sign of Ali or Paige, and after an hour all the group were getting really worried, yes we had made the fucking school boy error of splitting the group up after we had promised to stick together, so now the group of thirteen was down to just the six,

At that point I think I had just given up,

for a while i was just sat on the floor, with me back against the wall and my hands clasped behind my head just day dreaming,

my first knobhead thought was, who between Paige and Ali really did enjoyed their time spent with me?

and who if any did I prefer?

this was another thought I let drift to the front of my mind, but this just brought on more questions, you see, there was the young Ali, from my past, then there was the more mature Ali right here right now, and then there was the fucking dangerous Ali, from the past and present and I suspect she will be there in the future,

where as, there was just the one Paige,

So I guess Paige had to come out on top, as we all know one partner is enough for anyone, and she was not a fucking psychotic loonpot, the last question though is, was it just a sympathy shag?

I thought about this carefully, smiled to myself and decided it probably was,

and if that was the case, well was it her last as she is probably dead by now,

All was calm, and had been for several hours, but as the time past by anxiety’s closed in, the chatter between us all had subsided and a quietness took over, so to break the silence, I past on to the group the thoughts that had been on my mind for the last couple of hours,

and these were that we need to get the fuck out of this place pretty dam soon,

I put it to them all that with just a couple of hours of daylight left, it may well be better that we get a head start through the forest while daylight shines through, and we can see where we are going, because sure as damit something will fuck up with the three torches we have,

As the two rucksacks were being pack, for Bobby and me to carry, (which is so fucking sexiest, it’s criminal, it’s like an invitation to the killing machine out there to knock of the two fucking male cocks weighed down by baggage, sounds like a fucking marriage) then all of a sudden there was a knock at the kitchen door, I say knock, it was more like a crash,

we all stopped and looked at the closed door, sweat dripped down everyone of our frightened faces, and as we looked to each other for guidance, another crash! Which seemed harder and louder, and echoed from the door, “right that is it” Fleur screamed to the group, “let’s get the fuck out of this place” we all agreed we would be better on the move,

at least attempting to get to civilisation,

so the big question now was, who was going to be a brave little soldier and open that fucking noisy kitchen door, which unfortunately was now are only exit to the real world, we didn’t have much time to contemplate, that’s why all the other fuckers voted for me to open the door and die, and with that I was pushed unwillingly into the kitchen,

They had a simple plan, I open the door, and if my head stays attached to my neck and shoulders, then a thumbs up signal From me to the group, and we all charge out together, and head for the forest, and we don’t stop fucking running until darkness falls,

the other option, which I had reservations about, was the same as the first, except it involves everyone leaping over my headless torso! Unfortunately for us, as usual things don’t go quite to plan, stage one went like a dream, which involved unlocking the door and turning the handle, I had no problems with stage two of the operation either, which was throwin open the door and standing back to the wall in case of any potential projectiles coming threw the opening,

it was stage three where the problems started, all I had to do was a quick rekkie of the outside and do the signal, we would all be out of there quick as you like,

but the sight of .Bill and Bens heads lying there looking up at me begging for help, caused me to go blank, what with Bill holding an Apple in his mouth, while in Bens mouth was what looked like a banana! Well I vomited and collapsed while trying to hold on to the door frame,

with the sight of this the others collectively dashed to my aide, but the sight of the two heads caused projectile vomiting all around and brought chaos to the plan,

24th May 2020

19.12pm

The six of us had just about recovered from the sight of the heads, poor Bill and Ben had run their last training camp, and their missing bodies was the main factor in that, but on the bright side their bodies were spotted, just as we headed for the cover of the trees, there they were, sat nonchalantly in the front seats of their big shiny burnt out black Range Rover, on the road to know where,

we ran and we fucking ran, we crossed the clearing and into the trees within minutes, and with no loss of life or limbs, we took a right turn down the path that led deep into the forest,

and we ran and we fucking ran, and we must have covered at least four hundred yards deep into that forest when we had to give up,

the job lot of us could not fucking breath! and the groups thinking was, what is the point of dying of a heart attack or lack of oxygen,

we might as well go fucking back, and place our heads on the chopping block and wait for the sword to drop,

So a new strategy was needed and needed fast before the darkness takes over, while discussing our next and most important steps in our lives, Kerry spoke, and for the first time since her harrowing experience, she relaid the story of how she had wandered off to check on Brion, apparently she had just entered his room when footsteps appeared along the corridor, and a feeling inside told her to get under the bed, out of sight just to be on the safe side, you see the plodding of the footsteps unnerved her, hidden by the valance on the bed, she held her breath as much as she could, she heard a muffled groaning sound (but no talking) there was a struggle but not much of a one, and then there was a slicing sound, followed shortly by drip drip drip, a liquid dropping onto her face, but she dare not scream, she new it was blood, just from the smell, and although she kept her mouth tightly closed the blood seeped though and down to her throat, she felt like vomiting but valued her life too much,

she then heard the blade dropping to the floor, and then the sound of the assailants footsteps Walking away, and movin up the corridor, it seemed like hours but could only have been minutes when she got the courage to grab the chopper and pull it under the bed, and held it close to her chest until we entered the room, and that was the moment that she felt safe again, and knew everything was going to be alright, and she was sure we would all figure out how to get the fuck out of this hell,

but all we could come up with is to form a square and walk at a good and steady pace, a torch and eyes in all directions and keep fucking going until we hit the road where it would be easier to see the enemy,

the only other suggestion to our plan was to kill any fucker that comes near us,

aim to kill was the priority,

we have an assortment of kitchen knives, not sure the butter knife will be any good, and no one owned up to bringing along the whisk,

I’ve never heard of being whisked to death, but I’ll give it a real fucking go, if that’s all I have left at my disposal at a fight to the death,

we also have spears we made, steel bars a rolling pin and scissors, some clever bastard brought along chilli powder, curry powder, and pepper, fucking genius,

21.00hours

It was so dark now, and we seem to be going around in circles, either that or this fucking forest has grown ten fold since we entered it,

on the bright side we have not been under attack by anything other than fucking midges, and other little bug fuckers,

my face now looks like a fucking pin cushion! and I relaid this to Amanda, she quickly replied “well at least you still have a face” I was at a loss from that remark, and told her so,

and with that she shone her torch towards a tree just to the left, and slightly behind me,

all eyes were transfixed at the sight that lit up before us, Ashar had returned, but not quite in the same condition she had bolted, she was now tied to the tree, her face seemed to have been peeled off, so we only recognised her by her colourful hair, and distinctive clothing, of course her lips were still missing, but with the rest of the face gone as well, that was not so significant anymore,

We all wanted to run, i could tell by the faces that I looked at, i just had this deep feeling of fear running through the group, but what I dam well knew for certain was that we all wanted to be back at the family home, being just ten years of age again, and being loved by your mum, and caring about nothing but what time you have to go to bed,

but the reality was we were here in the darkness, cutting down a faceless work colleague from a tree, and as we all helped to lay her softly on to the ground, we could not help but notice a dozen or so vicious stab marks to her back, Ashar had well and truly been stabbed in the back,

“Jesus fucking Christ” rang out from Sharon’s mouth as she hit the deck, she had reacted amazingly quick from hearing a whizzing noise above her head, to the thud of a crossbow arrow smashing into the same tree Ashar was just occupying,

following her lead the rest of us hit the deck, all expecting more arrows to follow, then I think it dawned on the lot of us that maybe we should be fucking running and not grovelling around in the mud like pigs in shit, we were a far too easy target for the expert who holds the crossbow,

everything seemed to turn to slow motion in that second as we all gathered ourselves, and got to our feet,

self preservation raised its ugly head once again, as the six of us that were still left standing dispersed into all directions, once again breaking our commitment to stick together, and of course I was the slowest to react to run, and for that I got myself a ricocheted arrow to the arse cheek, and the funny thing is that this injury may have inadvertently saved my life, for now,

I spotted Sharon Amanda and Fleur heading down the track that we had figured would bring us out to a clearing just short of a country lane of sorts, and I was thinking that if they keep going they may just make it and bring back the cavalry,

in the opposite direction I saw bobby running like a prize fucking grey hound just let out of the traps, with Kerry trying to keep up behind him, but she was easily losing the battle and losing the will to live I fear,

I attempted myself to follow Kerry and Bobby, but with only a couple of hundred yards covered due to my injury, I tripped on a tree root, I hit the deck hard, with the side of me head smacking against a rock, and in a state of confusion I felt myself rolling into some sort of a gully, then nothing.

Monday May 25th

00.01, hrs

KERRY

Lost and alone, with the potential of two psychotic murdering loon pot Hungarians catching up with her, with only abuse, torture, and dismembering on their minds, did not seem to distract Kerry when it comes to looking good, and luckily for her, she had grabbed one of the two rucksacks we had brought with us on our quest for life,

and in that rucksack, she pulled out the one thing that is needed for your fight for survival, a compact make up bag and mirror combo,

A log was found as seating, and away she went, a little bit of foundation, a bit of blusher and mascara, and last but not least the lippy, a bright glossy red one, to be seen a mile away by any potential suiters, next out comes the brush, just for that finishing touch, she decided it would be better tied up and a headband strategically placed, because unfortunately she’d forgotten to pack her dry shampoo, you will all recognise that she failed to take any weapons,

but on the bright side, she will be able to brush the fuckers to death, but more likely her head will look out of this world when it is detached from her body and strategically perched on a high post for everyone and his dog to take a looksy,

and then she heard it, the rustling of the trees and the screams of tortured souls, the howling of wolves and growling of grizzlies, ok her imagination maybe overreacting, but there was definitely people out there,

Monday 25th May

00.47 hrs

BOBBY

After what seemed like a life time of running, and being so out of breath, Bobby came to a sudden stop, dropping to his knees he turned his head to finally look for Kerry, who he had noticed was following him, but there was nothing, no sign of her at all, although he was so sure he had heard her keeping up with him,

well he decided to take ten minutes to catch his breath, regain his composure and then he would back track a little to see if he could find Kerry,

he was certain she wouldn’t be to far behind,

After fifteen minutes of searching he heard signs of life just up ahead and to the right of him, and he was now confident and determined to rescue Kerry and get them both to safety,

he spotted Kerry way ahead between the thickets trees and bushes, it looked like she may have strayed slightly from the path, and as he raised his hands to wave to her he thought he was seeing things, was she really sat on a strategically placed log humming, whilst brushing her hair, but before he could signal to her there was a crack, something hit the back of his head very hard, and a tremendous pain shot throughout his body, darkness arrived again as he blanked out in seconds,

Monday 25th May

03.00, hrs

AMANDA. FLEUR. SHARON.

The three girls paced themselves very well after they deserted the rest of the group, and they were clever enough to stay on the right side of the path,

it may have been women’s intuition, or it could just have been great planning, but it’s more likely that it was pure fucking luck they arrived where they did, and being fucking alive was a total bonus for the girls,

so they arrived at the edge of the forest where there was a clearing with just a small wood to navigate, which hopefully should lead them to the road that may just take them to safety,

and then an unexpected bonus, finally some good luck bestowed them,

because right there just a stones throw away were some agricultural equipment, seductively waiting there all alone in the clearing, just enticing the girls to come and take them,

Fleur took charge right there and then, and suggested they go to ground until daylight, which was less than two hours away, her idea was they take command of the tractor waiting there, as their means of escape

in her own words she said “I will drive that big mother fucker, I grew up on a farm and lived on tractors bigger than that” the girls did have other concerns, besides the homicidal maniacs lingering around the forest looking for fresh meat to kill, what was the agricultural equipment doing lying around in this open space,

there was what looked like a generator of sorts, and an over sized tree chipper with an assortment of axes and big hedge cutters just resting against it, all of this worried the girls,

but getting to that tractor was their main focus so for now staying alive and staying invisible was their main purpose in life,

Monday 25th May

02.23 hrs

JOHN AND KERRY

Kerry crashed to the floor, there was nothing else I could have done, I had to pounce on her before she alerted the blood thirsty Hungarians to our whereabouts, and thus adding us to their body count,

as we rolled around on the mud caked floor, I managed to get my hand over Kerry’s mouth and gestured to her to keep the fuck quiet!

I did this by staring intensely into her eyes until she complied, after a moment Kerry became still and more pliable, and then it was her turn to use her eyes to communicate, and she was saying, get your dirty fucking little claw off my face before I bite off all of your fingers, cunt, I complied, but continued to lie on top of her to stop her from giving us away, and with her lying so softly underneath me she gestured for my ear, and she said softly to me, I hope that is not your penis pressing up hard against me, (men can get very excited when in stressful predicaments, can’t they?)

and with that she pushed me off, only to find a very large branch, thick in girth and a good ten inches in length, and I smiled to myself that Kerry would think that could possibly be me,

Kerry pulls herself up and sits under a tree with her knees up to her breast and her arms cuddling around them,

she still looked pretty good regardless of the birds nests hairstyle, the shit on her cheeks replacing the foundation and blusher,

I apologise for the drastic action, but I promised her it was necessary act of valour on my part,

I recounted to her my injury and my collapsing into a ravine and begin semi conscious for sometime, and when I came to my senses how I gingerly made my way along the trail and found her,

and just in the nick of time I might say, because I spotted Bobby a hundred or so yards ahead of her, being hacked down by two shadowy figures, and that was the reason for the hijacking of her, it was imperative she made no noise if life meant anything to her,

tears rolled down her cheeks as we crawled quietly through the bush towards our enemy, there was no real plan, except if there was any chance at all, we were going to try to save Bobby, kill the bad guys, and ride off into the sunset on a white fucking stallion,

job fucking done, except things are not that easy, things never go to plan, especially if you don’t have one,

we were quiet as mice on our approach through the bushes and thickets, and arrived still unseen but right on cue to witness the demise of poor old Bobby,

he was strung up to a tall tree, with plenty of branches coming off it in all directions, his arms were stretched out like a crucifixion tied at the wrists, his neck had a rope around it to hold his head straight, and he seemed to be missing his eye lids, so it was a shoe in he was going to witness what was about too happen to him,

and what happened to Bobby was not pleasant to watch either,

Kerry and I were transfixed unable to move, as every pen of every colour hit him, as the two shadowy cloaked figures took aim and fired Bobbys own pens from his breast pocket, using their crossbows, and their aim was outstanding, one shot to each hand a red and blue I think they were, then a yellow and green to each thigh, a purple to the bollocks, and with every hit the screams got worse, until finally Bobby realised his fate as he begged, “please don’t do this” unsympathetically the two figures each fired one orange pen to the eyes rendering Bobby well and truly dead,

Kerry was about to let out what I clearly thought was going to be a very loud gasp, so yet again I had to stop her with a deathly stare and with a quick motion I was back on top of her to restrict her movement, and of course for my comfort, and we lay there wrapped in each others sweat, holding on for dear life, but pretty soon we noticed movement ahead, so both our sets of eyes quickly shifted back to the action once more, and with the two of us now holding our breath for dear life,

we witnessed the cloaks dropped from the shoulders of the two psychotic loony tunes, and the crossbows discarded and with the two girls now unveiled they marched off into the forest and in the same direction Amanda and co went, and after a couple of draw dropping moment at what we had just witnessed, Kerry suggested I get from off the top of her now, and go and follow the murdering bastards that had just revealed themselves to us both, and to cut their fucking tits off while I was at it,

a little extreme I thought but I’ll give it a bloody good go,

Monday 25th May

AMANDA. FLEUR. SHARON.

04.45 hrs

Day light was breaking, the bird were singing and what looked like a lovely day ahead had just started, and making a break for it was now all that was on the girls minds, and nothing was going to stand in their way, not now, not while there’s a breath left in their bodies,

as they got to their feet from the watery ditch that they had been hidden in for almost two hours, Amanda and Fleur had shed most of their clothes, and were down to their underwear, thus inabling them the freedom from heavy wet clothin pulling them down on their attempted run to the tractor, and eventual freedom,

meanwhile Sharon was standing in the shadows of the last of the trees, fully clothed I might add, as she had the sense to cover herself in foliage and waited patiently on higher and drier ground, she was the eyes and ears of the crew this morning, and ready to attack any fucker that shows their face, while the other two girls get on with securing that god dam tractor

JOHN AND KERRY

We stayed quiet as possible in an impossible situation and kept our distance, as we followed the phyco killers, in fact as we hardly took a breath throughout the ordeal, I thought I might try out for the free diving world championship competition,

It seemed like hours fighting our way through that fucking jungle trying to stay one step ahead, and stay invisible, but fortunately I had with me big fucking Ben in the guise of Kerry, who reminded me of the time every minute of our journey as we slowly died from exhaustion, until finally at precisely 04.43hrs according to big fuckin Ben, Dangerous Ali and Paige came to a stand still

There were two things Kerry and I spotted that Paige and dangerous were looking for, first the catche of hidden weapons they were now arming themselves with, which include a couple of very long shiny knives, which seemed to glisten in the fading moonlight, and they also retrieved two very mighty samurai swords, now wether they could use these babies was another matter, but it was who they were after using them on was what worried me, because as I said there were two things we spotted,

the second was Amanda and Fleur standing at the edge of a clearing with some sort of farm equipment placed around it, but what caught my attention most, and thus distracted me from everything else around me, even in the grave situation I found meself, was the girls seemed to be bloody naked, what a dream ending I thought,

THIRTEEN MINUTES OF

MADNESS

Dangerous and Paige circled the perimeter of the forest as did we, Kerry and I had at that moment decided it was time we stood tall, and use the fact we were not discovered to attack the attackers from behind, mind you we only had sticks and stones, albeit big fucking sticks and stones, i did have myself a secret weapon though yes! I had a pocket full of condiments,

In the distance, maybe four hundred yards ahead we spotted Fleur and Amanda make a dash for freedom, and we guessed that the tractor was the favoured destination, we also guess Sharon was the look out, unfortunately she would not have spotted the two mad fuckers with knives swords and a very determined intention to kill, emerging from their hiding place, but fortunately, Kerry and I with are assortment of spices did, Ali and Paige had at least one hundred yards on us, but we were determined to change the outcome of this situation, so screaming was the order of the day,

and the noise we made had a couple of consequence, first it slowed the psychos down, as their need to know what the fuck was goin on behind them got the better of them,

and second it alerted sharon who came out of hiding and made a charge for the psychotic twosome with just a tree branch and a will to live, Amanda and Fleur were also alerted, but kept their pace to reach the tractor before the samariu wielding Paige could catch upto them, she had diverted her run to cut them off at the pass so to speak, Kerry follows Paige at pace, (god that girl could run) while I attempted to catch dangerous Ali, but being of a certain age and short legged, I felt I was running up a fucking mountain in concrete wellies, and getting nowhere fast,

so at the very moment Sharon and dangerous Ali clashed I had decided to stop and launch a large rock that I had armed myself with, unfortunately my aim was too perfect, you see as Sharon was at least a foot taller than Ali she had quickly got the better of her, with her reach and long branch, it took her just two swings too knock the samurai from Ali’s hands and knock not so dangerous Ali to the floor with a cracked and bloodied skull, and now with her back to me Sharon was on the offensive,

unfortunately for me, and unfortunately for Sharon, at the exact time she put dangerous on the floor and turned to her, I had let go of my large rock and it was flying it’s way through the air to the perfect bullseye, to the back of dangerous Ali’s head when Sharon took her place, and that was when the said rock made impact, a clean shot from twenty yards to the back of the head, the only problem was, it was Sharons fucking head, Sharon went down like a fat bastard on a sea saw, hitting the deck in a second, a dazed Ali witnessed all this while laying on her back, and as she recovered from her own injury, a twinkle in her eye told me she had not yet finished with Sharon, so I had to cover a twenty yard dash and throw myself onto dangerous, before she could finish off the job I inadvertently had started,

a scuffle broke out between myself and dangerous, and as we rolled around the floor, I could feel the sexual chemistry, I ended on top of the struggling dangerous, but she had latched onto my neck with her mouth, now I did think it somewhat inappropriate to give me a love bite in these circumstances, until the teeth dug in deep, and then I realised it was time for some spice action, and that’s when I made the decision to let go of her right arm and reach into my pocket for what ever condiment came to hand, in a swift action I had what I hoped was pepper and covered her head, unfortunately I may have chosen the wrong one! parsley or sage maybe as it was a green substance, but it did have some sort of an effect as dangerous unlocked her teeth from my neck,

her body relaxed as she stopped struggling, she blinked erratacly, and then opened her eyes and she looked at me serenely, now at that moment I realised as I lay there on top of her I had a massive hard on, so I looked her right In the eyes with the best puppy face look I had, and whispered to dangerous if she fancied a quick shag for old time sake,

I didn’t see the 4 inch blade in the right hand that I let free, I fucking felt it though as it entered my thigh with a sneaky little jab and one to the hand as I pushed her back to protect myself, I fell backwards and dangerous was on me like a fucking lion, her right arm stretched out to the max with the blade ready to come down hard on my chest, and it was at that moment all I could think of to say was, I take it that’s a no then, and then thwack a perfect hit from Sharon to spark out dangerous Ali,

Sharon did not hang around for a thank you, she had it away on her toes to where Amanda and Fleur were fending off Maddog Paige, I myself only hung around long enough to tie up dangerous with some rope that was lying conveniently around, and then I too was off, like a fucking jack rabbit,

I had to be at the death between the girls and Maddog Paige, they were fucking naked after all, and fighting, how fucking cool!

Amanda had begged Fleur to get to the tractor and get it moving, while she and Kerry were trying to get Paige under control, she was goin fucking nuts swinging that samurai blade around like a fucking windmill in a hurricane, all over the place she was, Sharon had arrived and shortly afterwards so did I, and we now had her out numbered and surrounded, with her back towards the big oversized tree shredder,

in the back ground we all hear the tractor come to life, and the sweet music of the engine growling had the fucking lot of us turning to take a look, just for a second, but that was all Paige needed, she was onto the weakest of the group in that split second, and the weakest link would be yours fucking truly, what with a concussion, a stab wound to the thigh and hand, I looked like a fucking pin cushion, I was either the weakest or I’d upset her in some way, fucking women!

The blade just misses and breezes past me right ear and the blade crashes against the muddy floor, the follow through with her elbow does though spectacularly hit me full on in the face, the precise position if you are interested was the nose, and the nose exploding with blood, I fall back on to my arse, with tears blurring my vision ,

she’s on me with a small blade to my throat, Maddog Paige was screaming to anyone that was listening to back the fuck off or my throat would be sliced from ear to ear,

and I’m afraid in that situation I not too politely asked the girls to give the girl some fucking space,

and on my request Sharon moved backwards past the shredder, while Kerry and Amanda strategically moved around at a distance, behind my head, while this was happening all I could think about was all my hats that would have no head to keep warm if Maddog decides to make good with her threat, and the thought of that put my mouth into overdrive, I started of with the basics in this situation, like “Paige you don’t have to do this, if you just put the knife down you will be alright, I promise,

well first of all, of course she has to do this, she had just murdered half the fucking population of the county, probably just because she loves to kill

And secondly, no it won’t be fucking alright because If she is so fucking stupid enough as to put down the knife, she would immediately be kicked to fucking death by four irate half naked women and a short arsed half concussed man,

surprisingly though this tactic seemed to be working, Paige relaxed her grip on the knife, then put her head next to mine and spoke so only I could hear, and her words fucking chilled me to the bone,

she said “my darling Johnny you made my mother so happy for a day and a night and then you ruined her life, on the second day she tried hard to forgive you, but she could not, and for many years she tried to forget, but you haunted her, so she knew one day you would have to die, and today is that day” my reply was simple and to the point “who the fuck is your mother” she spat back at me “ALISON” you are such a thick fuck” and then it finally sank in, and I replied without thinkin “ahh dangerous Ali is your mother cool, a mother and daughter in different century’s that’s got to be a record breaker, if we add a threesome we should get in the Guinness book of records” her face screwed up into some kind of hideous creature and her sexy body shook all over, then she lifted the knife to strike, just as I’d hoped, I rolled backwards and used my feet to push her dam hard on her chest, she flew back against the tree shredder hitting it hard against the starter button putting it into action, the noise it made was frightening, Paige tried desperately to compose herself for a second wave attack, but she was surprised how quickly Kerry and Amanda were onto her, they hit her hard, with shoulder barges, like an all black spear tackle, she lifted of the ground and flew back into that shredder, and I can tell you now that was one hell of a shredder as that girl shredded like paper,

it was like a muck spreader coming out of the other end, blood guts sinews and bone, turning the field a lovey shade of red, but unfortunately the position Sharon had put herself in when she backed away from me and poor old Paige, put her in direct line of poor old Paige as she left that shredder, somewhat transformed may I say, and the outcome was Sharon wearing a lot of what was left of Paige, but she was still smiling.

I on the other hand felt a little emotional, facing death by the hands of a mother and daughter, love and hate is a strange thing,

I stood and assessed the situation, Kerry and Fleur were comforting each other in the cab of the tractor, Amanda stood tall looking a million dollars in her underwear, I’m afraid (I was mistaken when I thought the girls were totally naked) my eyes after all are not what they use to be, but what I could definitely see as I looked around the area, was plenty of body parts, whose they were fuck knows, and at that moment I could not give a flying fuck, because I realised there was something else really wrong with the picture I saw before me, there was no dangerous Ali in it!

she was not where I left her, my body started to shake and sweat, as anxiety started to creep in, and then I heard it, the sweet sound of sirens, and that is when I knew we were safe.

EPILOGUE

Back at home and the warmth of the radiator circulates around the lounge, and I’m sat in my favourite armchair as far away from any forest or remote spaces as I will ever be again, and with five days passing since the incident I’m scouring the internet and social media for closure of the previous weekend,

the headlines of many of the news sites are still of murder and mayhem out in the country, but it’s the sub headlines that interest me,

FIRST AIDER FOUND DEAD

This story goes on to explain, how the police were called to an isolated property by the landlord after she could not gain entry of the building,

she had hired it out for a long weekend to a single man named Rik belland

Rik a forty two year old man long greasy greying hair tied back in a pony tail was found dead dressed in a rubber suit and a cowboy hat, trust up like a chicken, he was bent over face down in a blocked toilet, where he seemed to have drowned in the overflow, Rik had apparently missed a work adventure weekend, where he was the driver/ first aider, police are interested in speaking to a young lady in her early twenties, who was seen by a local resident of the area, she has long straight auburn hair freckles and was dressed in a nurses uniform

My immediate thoughts on reading this story were, the cops are gonna find it incredibly hard to follow up on that description, because the lady in question has had the severest face and body lift on this planet! In fact now I think of it, she resides in a fucking jar on a shelf in some morgue somewhere.

TWO HUNGARIANS

REPATRIATED

The second story that caught my eye, was that of two foreign back packers who went missing at the place of the forest massacre, they were unfortunate victims, they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and ended up as doggy food,

bits and pieces of those two beautiful Hungarian female were scattered all over that clearing, I shed a tear as I read the piece, I also speculated on what may have happened the day Paige and i came across them, where did Paige disappear to? and when she reappeared what did she say to the girls? and more importantly where did she send them off to?

The one thing I do know, meeting us that day definitely got them killed and dismembered, and just maybe it saved my life,

Anyhow the girls have now been pieced together and sent back home to their families in Hungary,

HUNT ON FOR A

KILLER

The final piece that caught my eye was a follow up on the main news of the day, the hunt for dangerous Ali,

a week later and nothing,

There has been no trace of the woman,

the theory is she stole a passage abroad, and is now in hiding with I.S.A. learning how to be a fucking terroist,

well I don’t know about the others who survived the carnage but to me she is already fucking terrifying, I don’t think she needs any more fucking training,

and as I’m comin to the end of the article, all the lights in the house suddenly go out, the property is in total fucking darkness, and then my mobile phone dies in mid messaging,

I’m stuck to my fucking armchair in a sheet of sweat, having flash backs of the carnage less that a week ago,

then there’s a tap tap fuckin tap on my window, and not for the first time in me life I shit myself, i literally shit every where and I cannot move from my favourite armchair.