13Turkish Brian, the French maid and a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs

13

The Turk the Frenchie and a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs

1986

Song:- come on Eileen

Band:- Dexys

Song:- caravan of love

Band:- The housemartins

Song:- don’t you

Band:- simple minds

TIME TO LEAVE

Sometimes in life things pulls you in a direction that ya wasn’t expecting

and ya have ta reassess ya situation and take a path ya wasn’t expecting ta take or even wantin ta choose, but needs must ta persevere life,

so here I was, alone, and I needed to remove myself from a life threatening situation,

This situation followed some weeks after the 2 lesbians a balcony and me escapades

Sunday, 8am

DJ Dave wanted money and wanted it now! and he only wanted it from me,

his back up was Susie who was using the pretext of a rent hike, one that we had not agreed on, and one that far outweighed my income,

and my thoughts on the situation came in the form of a complete flat refusal.

well until I could get ta the bank the morning after ( I’m not so fuckin stupid to deny them the money cause the threat of Turkish Brian was their closing argument, the shit heads, Brian could get money outta the fuckin queen if needs must) but bein a Sunday there was no banks open and in the days before debit cards had become Common tender, the old currency of hard cash was used,

and ya had ta physically get off ya arse and venture out and enter a facility called a bank and actually speak to a human being, who would then interrogate ya to an inch of ya life before partin with what essential was your own money,

Sunday evening

The escape plan began ta form later that Sunday afternoon,Turkish Brian was nowhere ta be seen,

the girls of the house were sharin bodily fluids in their bedroom, and ya will know exactly what I mean if ya have read earlier extracts of me ramblings,

DJ Dave was restin before his set that evening, in reality he and his buddy Pedro were off their fuckin tits on whatever substances they could lay their hands on, and the effects from the said substances lay them so comatose that they did not know what planet they were on never mind where I was,

and so ta me, where the hell was l?

well I was creaping down the noisiest fuckin flight of stairs in all of fuckin Benidorm, every step was like a fire cracker goin off, causing my arsehole ta flex and pout at every step I took,

I’d secretly packed me backpack earlier that day, and left it handily in a closet near the front door,

and when I felt the time was right or when I stopped shitting meself on the loo, I was off,

I’d got me ticket for an evenin train earlier in the day leaving nothing ta chance,

I slipped like a snake through the tiniest crack that i allowed myself in the doorway and was flying down them creaky stairs and onta the streets where I continued ta shift like an invisible greyhound through the streets and avenues of old Benidorm,

not even bothering ta look back ta see if I was bein followed cause I just needed ta be outta there, be safe and be on me way home, but maybe I should of chanced an arm ta look back, then I may have spotted Turkish Brian following,

as I found my seat in the carriage of a train that can only be described as a train of the 19th century,

I breathed a sigh of relief, and had just opened my first can of San Miguel when a shadowy figure I thought I recognised swept past the window on me right, now the train was a very fuckin long train, carriage after carriage hooked together for the hundreds of passengers tryin ta get away from someone or somewhere,

I jumped up and rushed ta the door pulled down the window and prayed that I was mistaken, but I was almost certain that the figure disappearing in ta the distance was that of Turkish Brian, the figure boarded the train so close ta the front he could have been driving the fuckin engine,

but that suited me just fine as this could be a positive in what could only be described as a negative, as I’m situated at the back of the train and have no fuckin intention of movin forward unless I see the big fucker comin down the Isle, then my defence strategy would be ta baracade meself in the toilet pull the emergency cord scream like a fuckin baby and stay put and wait for the cavalry ta arrive,

and unless the Turk decides ta walk the length of this train for no reason but ta find me, which I don’t think he will,

if it really is him, surely I cannot be the reason he’s on the train, there’s probably a million reasons for a psychotic nut job ta be on the very same train as an ex lodger? it just has ta be a big coincidence,

So I slide back inta the carriage I was using before all this upheaval, and now it was not empty, in fact it was the complete fuckin opposite of empty, where had all these people come from in a couple of minutes fuck knows,

well I say all, there were six of em,

4 soldier boys,

an older gentleman in a tweed suit and trilby,

and then there was the French maid,

well I squeezed me self between the maid and trilby man, cause I didn’t fancy sharing the carriage for god knows how long sat between 4 butch testrone Spanish soldiers,

my first conversation was between myself and trilby man and it was conducted in sign language and grunts and groans as neither of us could speak one and others native tongue,

the gist of it was for me ta fuckin move ta me left cause I was invading his space, well fuckin sorry mate but I was here first! and I’m here ta stay!

I moved,

I went ta stand in the corridor, and ya know it was the best move I made cause French maid girl joined me, she was concerned for me as she wasn’t at all happy how trilby man spoke ta me ,

apparently he was very rude and abusive, which went straight over me head cause it was all in Spanish, he could ave been asking ta suck me dick for all I new,

but his hand and arm gestures suggested otherwise so I decided ta move ta the corridor for the time being, French maid girl introduced herself as Eileen in the most amazing French accent, but she was fluent in English so she had me there and then, I was smitten with this girl of maybe 23

I couldn’t put me finger on it but maybe it was her long long legs that seem ta go on forever, maybe it was the ample bosom that were in proportion with her amazing shapely figure or it could be those lips, the pixie nose and big blue eyes that were the corner stone of the cutest face even the ponytailed hair which was just the icing on the cake, but the reality was, it was the costume she was wearing that got me hot under the collar,

she was wearing the tiniest of maids outfit, complemented by stockings and suspenders, her breast just poured outta the low cut blouse,

supported by the flimsiest of aprons, now the only question that came ta mind at that moment was why? why was she dressed in the manner she was?

so I just came out and asked her, wether I believed her reply or not was debatable at that moment,

but as she wanted ta be my friend just then, and I certainly wanted ta get ta no her more intimately, as I had just fallen in love, sorry lust with her, anyway apparently she lives in a travelling circus and was on this train ta catch up with its caravans as she was in Benidorm for such a short time doin some private work, and when I pressed her where she was workin, it came ta light she was doin a bit of strippin for extra cash and was in a rush ta catch this particular train, and so did not have the chance ta change from her work clothes ( bein a stripper I would of imagined her work attire would be her skin, and technically she should be naked right now if she came straight here after work?) well I wasn’t gonna argue the point so I suggested a drink before she changed, she agreed ta the drink but insisted on changing which took her all of 5 minutes, and what a fucking transformation, she was hot before , but now in hipster style jeans a pair of red converse high tops a white t shirt tied at the waist and short black pixie style haircut, (so the blond ponytail hair was just a wig) well she was incredible!she smiled when I told her so

We talked over drinks in the bar carriage for what seemed like hours, about anything and everything she laughed about the situation I was in,

and I admitted that I would like ta have sex with her,

her reaction to this revelation was nothing like an English woman, she stroked my cheek with her left hand so gently then held my chin looked me in the eye and smiled and said soon,

unlike the British females where ya would get a kick ta the bollocks and a slap around the chops with a fuck off ya dirty little weasel, which was fair enough,

she even promised ta help if she could with my situation

The both of us by now were getting somewhat tipsy, when I spotted what I thought was the Turk down the next carriage,

I was never off me guard even when captivated by beauty,

I casually let Eileen in on the situation where upon she took me by the hand and walked me in the opposite direction down the carriage and locked us both in the toilet, where upon she was true ta her word and had her wicked way with me, which didn’t half take me mind of things,

and when I thought her wicked ways had reach its crescendo, my experience reached an even higher climax,

the things ya can get upta in a fuckin small space like a train convenience is unbelievable,

thank god Eileen was from a circus cause some of those positions we put are selves through would be impossible ta achieve,

ta this day I suffer with back problems

The problem of the Turk though was still at the forefront of me thoughts when we finally emerged from the toilet,

Monday 12.01am

Valencia

Several hours had past when I woke from a deep sleep, my sticky eyes just about formed a shadow in front of me as some one was shaking me, I peeled open both eyes and rubbed with my fore fingers and made out the delicious figure of Eileen standing over me, it wasn’t a dream, thank god, she was a real woman.

Eileen informed me we had arrived in Valencia and if I was still worried about the Turk suggested we change trains and head for San Sebastian where she would be catching up with he circus group where they were performing,

although this was an idea ta think about we did have a situation that was developing right there in front of us,

ya see while in conversation I just glanced over Eileens left shoulder, I could see clearly through the train window, stood there just a hundred feet or so away havin a cheeky fag was the Turk and it was definitely fuckin Brian,

Now he didn’t seem ta see me lookin, so maybe we had time ta develop a plan, and it was quickly worked out that the easiest way for me ta leave this train without bein seen was a disguise, now pray what disguise could Eileen possibly have up her sleeve?

5 minutes in the same toilet we had been in hours earlier and I was transformed inta the most beautiful creature ya would have ever seen if I do say so me self

We disembarked the carriage right under the nose of the Turk and he didn’t even bat an eye lid, which I was surprised at as I’m sure he was looking me right in the eyes, but maybe he just saw the beauty before him and fancied the fuckin pants off me, cause I know I would, I was so fucking gorgeous, made up ta the nines,

Eileen had already been ta the ticket office and purchased tickets ta San Sebastián before we left the train as two fanciable females,

so all I needed now was ta walk the walk for just a few hundred metres ta the next platform,

and goddam did I walk the walk, I was like a mini super model, in high heels and stockings, strutting my stuff,

I fucking owned that Spanish platform,

Now a sensual and sexy act happens 20 mins inta the journey ta San Sebastián, and once again it took place in the convenience of the train,

Eileen and myself locked are selves in just ta remove me disguise, but something happened as we faced each other at close quarters, and before anything came off, somethin went in, ya see the passion took over and love making as 2 women was the only way ya shake this feelin we both seemed ta have,

and how erotic it was, cerfice ta say we both came bloody quickly that day.

well I say we both, ya never can tell with women,

although for that short period in time I was very much a woman and I certainly did! fuckin everywhere, so if that was the climax of the day

The rest of the journey was an anticlimax, after what we’d been through we mostly slept while the train was just chugging away ta it’s next destination

Monday 7.03 am

San Sebastián

We were met at the station by absolutely know one, I was expecting a troupe of clowns and jugglers on animals of all shapes and sizes, but no, we left the station on foot and had ta walk the mile ta where the circus was based for the next day or two,

now I don’t know about you and I don’t know too much about circus life meself but I thought they were held in big fuck off tents full of animals and shit every where,

there had ta be elephants and monkeys, clowns and fucking jugglers, cages with Lions and tigers and women with beards,

a big top with a ring master was a must, but fucking no! This was a circus called archaos, and they were based behind a theatre of sorts where they lived in a convoy of nine magnificent gypsy caravans pulled by many horses, which were the only animals in sight,

well except for the obligatory scabby dog,

they ply their trade across the the villages of Southern France and Italy and the acts were a group of young ambitious fruit cakes that fucking juggled with chainsaws ate fire shot arrows at each other chained and whipped each other ya an inch of their lives while bending backwards in fucking two, yes these were truly mind blowing fucking freaks, that bathed in danger and I was now emerged into it, stuck in the back of one of the caravans with a French maid that I now see in a totally different fucking light!

Outta the frying pan and intta the fire I think you’ll find the saying is,

The handcuffs secured me ta the bed, it’s ok they did not chafe as they were the pink fluffy type that you would pick up at any sex shop,

and when I was secure lying there in an all in one rubber suit, the show began,

Eileen started twisting her body inta all shapes and did things with knives and fire I could have only imagined before,

but everything I witnessed that day and everything I was apart of was now embedded in me memory for a life time, only ta be taken out ta examine in me own company and only on special occasions,

all this acrobatic bodypumpin shite was performed practically naked which would usually be a huge turn on for me in other circumstances,

but alas I had other things on me mind,

now I didnt know what type of circus this was without animals but I sensed I should be leaving soon and have no part of it, well as soon as Eileen releases me from me pink shackles,

the group were traveling to Bordeaux then onta Marseille which I was invited ta join by Eileen, (i’m now fearing I may have been reduced to a sex Slave as I have not left caravan number 9 , now better known as the caravan of love since we moved off from San Sebastián,) I played along though since there was little else ta occupy me mind except Eileen and her assortment of goodies,

We arrived at Bordeaux and a plan formed for my second escape of the week, It was a very simple plan,

when we arrived at Bordeaux I noticed we were close by the station, and as I was now free from my shackles and Eileen seemed ta be preoccupied with training, honing her skills if ya like, I just took a walk and never returned, (what a fuckin plan eh!) a ticket ta Paris was purchased, then a tense 20 minute wait on the platform, and I boarded another train, but this time I promised meself I will not talk to anyone until I arrived on British soil!

Unfortunately I never fucking listen ta me self, and what happens in Paris stays in Paris.

the 21st century

I often wonder what

happened ta Eileen did she get old and fat did she marry and settle down with kids or did she cut her own fucking head off in a freak accident with a chainsaw, I suspect one will never know.