10The maintrain

10

15 grannies

&

The sunrise

1983/4

The band:- Wah

The song:- story of the blues

The artist:- billy Joel

The song :- An Innocent Man

The band :- Elvis Costello

The song :- every day I write the book

The band :- the Steve Miller band

The song:- the joker

IN THE BEGINNING

It was nineteen eighty three, and there was the introduction of a new lager to the north west, and at the time it was most welcoming,

and it had traveled all the way from little old Australia, arriving at the goodies (the local drinking establishment, and the name of this pub derived from its previous name, the good companions,) at just the right moment in time,

and the nectar of choice for all us northerners was the one and only Castlemaine xxxx

and with the introduction of this new ale a new craze was born, The main train

primarily just for one group of northern lads who took up the mantle and started the main train,

Now the main trains prime objective was to get as many lads dressed up in fancy dress and then all getting as pissed as you could, while attempting a pub crawl on a Sunday evening,

there were only two rules to abide by and they were to be at the goodies at opening time without fail, which of course was seven o'clock, and you must be wearing the chosen fancy dress of the day, which would be proposed the previous Sunday,

now this was of an era that the youth of today will not understand, but believe it or not pubs had last orders at 2pm and would not reopened until 7pm, and it seemed the only way you would know the pub was closing was by the sound of a big fuck off bell which would be rang by a landlord or land lady, if this bell did not ring I’m sure no one would have any idea of the time

and this would throw all pub goers lives into a state of chaos,

The only other rule the main-train had, was we all had to drink at least 1 pint of castle-main during the chaos that the evening was always likely to bring,

A DOZEN OLD LADIES

Sunday 7.01pm

Tonight’s dress code was that of an old lady,

so at precisely seven o'clock there was a dozen lads dressed as old bag ladies waiting for the doors of the pub to open its arms and drag us inside,

but on this particular night by the time the doors eventually opened

It was at least sixty seconds past the allotted time of seven o’clock, and there was a big group of around twenty five,

you see there was always extra lads that would join us occasionally to bolster the numbers, not all of these though would be in fancy dress, some would be here just for the crack.

well the night started off fairly optimistically,

the group was in high spirits, there was laughter at the array of costumes, and banter from the girls and girl friends of the lads, you see it was a close knit family of sorts,

and all the girls usually joined us at the beginning of the evening, as they would be meeting at the same venue, ❤️❤️❤️

and of course their group would be out on their own Sunday night pub crawl.

So the main train would enter the goodies from the car park at the back as per usual, but because a new bar staff had not been on the ball and did not unlock the back doors first so a complete 60 seconds had elapsed after opening time,

thus allowing another group of lads to enter the establishment some 60 seconds earlier through the front door, and with that serious mistake made by the new barman, the group took control of the pool area where the main train usually migrate to start the evenin off with a few competitive games, and a few laughs,

it was also a meeting area for the couples,

but not on this Sunday!

it was rumoured that the staff member who opened up the back 60 seconds late was never ta be seen again? well not in this boozer anyway,

so

the money was down and the challenge was on,

one of our grannies fancied his chances with a lad from the group hoggin the pool table, the table was situated on the 3rd tier up so it stood up some 4 or 5 steps up from the bar level which was situatated in the centre of the pub and with the bar bein oval ya could walk around the whole pub and still be near the bar at all times,

so when Chris challenges the lad to a game, it was agreed winner takes all,

and the all, was taking over the pool table for the next hour

so losing the pool area ta these lads was unthinkable,

no pool time before the main train session was fuckin sacrilege,

Unfortunately the game did not go well,

there was one accusation after another about foul play or cheating on the part of Chris, (who by the way would never cheat! unless he could get away with it) so maybe in hindsight he should not have taken that strike with his cue to the lads back as he was about ta take his shot,

bless the poor lad he collapsed forward over the pool table like a starfish, which in turn saw him miss the black ball and make a foul shot, and in the process he ripped the green cloth on the way down,

thus allowing Chris ta be crowned the winner,

except he did not have time ta take his crown, because as he turned to celebrate an unseen left hook hit his right cheek, and in doin so knocked off his hair net and sent him hurtling inta Gaz , Gaz was a big lad, and big Gaz in turn threw himself at the lad who had punched Chris, now this then sets off the other lads from the hostile group to join in the melee and dive in on Gaz,

but like the hulk he threw them in all directions causing them ta bounce off the Grannies of the main train, this then sets off the group and they also join the skirmish, thus turning the 3rd tier pool area inta an old fashioned cowboy saloon fight,

after a couple of minutes and the odd punch and slap from both sides the fight broke up and turned to banter then laughter, hand shaking all around and drinks for everyone, courtesy of Ste the pub landlord, and nobody got really hurt except for the odd nose bleed thick lip or bruised ego

8pm

1 hour after opening time

15 full on grannies half a dozen half hearted grannies and maybe a dozen hangers on and we’re at the first pit stop following the minor ruckus,

pints are goin down well but I cannot say the same for the costumes

Martin the group clown is playing up ta the crowd but unfortunately he is misjudging his audience,

the audience bein the flat cap brigade with a sprinkling of your butch English navie type,

You can also throw inta the meltin pot a few skineads and you’ve got a cauldron of hate towards a bunch of young brash fuckers dressed as women,

and with the class clown dancin like a bear with a sore head and Taunting the mass in front of him, there’s bound ta be some unpleasantness,

but fortunately for the group, and especially Martin we did have a bery big crowd behind us,

so the unpleasantries only went as far as verbals and the odd glass bein thrown, although Martin would think that was enough as one of the glasses was over his head fortunately for him his wig and hair net saved the day so no blood just a bruise or two

9pm

2 hours after opening time

drinks were flying round faster than a toupee in a hurricane and the main trains antics were getting somewhat wilder by the minute, We had all made it ta the barley mow in one piece, but those pieces were about ta be broken,

The fight was started and finished by big Gaz, he took umbrage to a purple Mohican , ok it was a solitary purple hair from the head of a purple Mohican punk barman, but such a hair should not be severed with a pint of lager and definitely not ta big Gaz, let’s say he was a little mystified to the foreign body floating around in his pint, so much so that the punk bar tender was dragged by his purple Mohican across the bar and with him came the array of drinks laden across the bar owned by an eclectic group of people from many walks of life and let’s say some of them may well of been unsavoury character’s,

so it was inevitable that the whole place was a war zone within seconds of all the drinks being lashed across the pub like a tidal wave of beer and glass

the main train had little ta do with the outcome of the dismantling of the barley mow, we left that to big Gaz,

we new he’d be fine, he loved a good scrap and would catch up later,

we all sneaked outta the side door, to get ta our final destination,

10pm

3 hours after opening time

The John Willy band were in full throttle, bangin out the tunes when we all arrived at the lion and systematically took over the back bar, as was usual for a Sunday night,

as the music was cranked up so we’re the bodies,

Ya could not move in that back bar of the lion hotel!

the only movement that was viable was up and down, and that had ta be in unison with the person next ta ya, otherwise ya could be left for dead under the feet of the many,

with the music raisin the roof ya could not hear ya self think,

ya would be soaked in sweat beer and urine,

with you’re hair matted to ya face and ya acne reacting badly ta the punishment you’re body was takin,

it would come out in force so ya look liked the elephant man,

and you think ta ya self this is not the time ta be chatting up girls! but ya do anyway, and ya fail, and yet you come back next week, and ta be fair the girls didn’t look much better than your self,

in fact most times they looked a dam site worse,

what with all the makeup plastered across their face and not in a professional fashion, and their eyes crying black mascara down both cheeks,

and if I’m being really honest I think it’s the girls that cause the smell of urine on the sticky floors of the establishment, cause fighting ta get through the crowd ta the toilet just isn’t worth it!

So as the guitars did their thing, and the drummer was banging out a sound unnatural to the rhythm of the song last orders were called,

it was now 10.30pm

so this was the time the main train indulged themselves and sort refuge in the optics as well as doubling up on the pints, and drank as much as they could before throwing out time at 11pm

and at this time of the night no one was really sure of how much we actually drank,

and how much contributed ta the sticky swampy carpet.

4 hours after opening time

11pm it was kicking out time so

now it was Chinese time,

and you wouldn’t think moving on from the last venue to the favoured Chinese restaurant of the maintrain would be that much of a challenge, being that it could only be a 2 minute walk away, with just one road to navigate,

but you’ll be suprised to what kind of trouble a big group can get into in under 2 minutes,

fortunately tonight fuck all happened in the course of our food pilgrimage.

DINING OUT

The thought of a dozen or so rowdy lads entering your establishment at the end of a very fruitful alcohol fuelled evening should have had the owner of the best Chinese restaurant in town heading for the hills, or at the very least battening down the hatches and cowering under a table furthest away from the front door, but no not the owner of the sunrise he welcomed us with open arms, a friendly smile and a shake of everyone’s hand as we all paraded through the half empty establishment,

but the strange thing was every time one of our party tried to take a seat at an empty table we were ushered further and further to the back of the main dining room until there was no where else to go, and very soon

we all had come to the end of the road, here we were 12 lads facing the back wall of the dining room like naughty schoolboys on detention, but as luck would have it that back wall only had a hidden door which was opened up by one of the waiters floating around our group, and on the other side of that door was another room, this restaurant was much bigger than I had appreciated, another dining room sat there out of sight of any doors windows or clientele dining that evening,

this did not bold well for the group who mostly felt uneasy being squeezed out of the main dining area,

but we were all starving,

the munches had set in and the sweet and sour needed to be obtained, so we settled into our chairs,

there we were 12 knob ead disciples sat around a banquette table, the ordering process was chaotic, we had 3 waiters taking notes from 12 slurred voices speaking frantically gesturing with there hands as if sign language was a requirement to get this order right,

In the end there was a feast of amazing food languishing on the magic table, cause this table had powers, it only fucking had different levels of turn tables building out from the centre like a pyramid laden with food, so if ya had your fill of the pleasures that was in front of you, you could just spin one of the turn tables and if by magic other delights of Asia would appear,

so with everybody’s bellies full, and the night finally coming to a close, our little group of disciples decide to disperse, paying there portion of the bill as they past the till, except that is for Dobbsy Azza Wayne and of course myself,

now I was there because I thought the night was to carry on at some other venue, but not realising that the 3 boys had no fucking money and we’re playing for time just to come up with an plan of how to get outta this place,

in fact I finally realised they never had any intention of paying when we arrived,

it was always gonna be doing a runner Azza explained,

the trouble is their plan was to situate themselves somewhere close to the door in fact the window table would have been perfect, but as the saying goes the best laid plans of mice and piss heads go tits up,

this one was no exception! Obviously they had not factored in the volume of bodies joining us on this pilgrimage to the Sunrise or the velocity of the owner to steer the group from the front of the restaurant to the back room, as far from the front door as you could ever possibly want in a quick getaway situation, it was an impossible state of affairs,

and I made my thoughts on the matter very clear, I offered to pay what I could on their share of the bill but they would have to come clean to the owner and hope he takes pity on them and keep the cops out of it, as long as they promise to come back and pay the following day,

I also joked they may all get bitch fucked while washing dishes for the foreseeable, I think that joke tipped the boys over the edge cause Dobbsy suggested an alternative,

he’d realised a flaw in the restaurant’s layout, the till lay at the front of the establishment within touching distance of their escape, so he suggested I should leave pay my share of the bill luring the owner into a false sense of security

they would follow slowly while I frequented a taxi and waited a Short distance from the front of the Sunrise,

they would then make a run for it jump into the back of the cab and ride off inta the sunset free men,

well that was where the plan started and finished, firstly as I paid and left the building I noticed all the waiters had gathered at the entrance, somewhat scuppering any escape by that route for the lads, but I carried on and played out my part of the plan and sat in a taxi some 100 yards to the right of the exit, and that’s when all hell broke loose, apparently the story goes, as the boys saw it,

they were well an truly fucked until Wayne saw a way out he suggested they make a run for it through the kitchen which was right there to the left of them ,

his thought was as every member of staff seemed to be congregating at the front of the place surely they could make their escape through the side door come out in the ally that lay to the left of the exit , then back to the plan, jump into the cab and hey presto same result, of course this did not happen, they were fortunate to get into the ally unscathed as there were to giants of men clearing up in the kitchen they realised what was developing before their eyes and acted accordingly, they quickly picked up their tools of the trade,

one fellow had a big mallet in one hand usually used for tenderising meat but was now about to tenderise the anatomy of a young English man moving at speed, in his other hand he held a big fucking chopper, god knows what he intended to do with that,

the other guy was swinging 2 big fuck off cleavers mimicking a windmill in a tornado,

the boys were to quick for these bulky guys and were out of the back door and down the alley in seconds, shortly followed by the two screaming Asian heavies, these guys were slow but relentless, the boys exited the alleyway and took a sharp left, suddenly they all stopped as one, looking bemused as they searched for their escape ride,

unfortunately like most plans this one was not thought out as well as it could have been, as I was waiting patiently in the taxi in the completely different direction to which they decided to run, there was no choice for the boys now they had to proceed at full speed ahead in their chosen direction, as the two gorillas in chase we’re almost upon them, Wayne gave them a dilemma to think about as he chose to split from the pack, he shot across the road being missed by the taxi I was in by inches, he then disappeared into the night, with this the heavies choice was made for them, they gave chase to Azza and Dobbsy who were so elusive to the extent that they kept evading me and the taxi I was in as I tried to pick them up and take them to safety,

as it was I gave up in the end and fucked off home to me bed, bringing this sorry episode to an end.

The following day

It came to pass that in the end Azza and Dobbsy had to return to the scene of the crime the following day, in their haste to extract a free meal from the Sunrise restaurant they had neglected to take there coats from the back of the chairs they were sitting at,

and as they were quite expensive coats which had their passports ( which was used for ID back in the day) in the pockets they thought it wise they returned and take their punishment,

and the punishment the 3 of them received ( they had to finger Wayne as the third man for their own health) was being bitch fucked over the dishwasher for the week, although Wayne enjoyed this so much he applied for the part time dishwashers job that was advertised.