22The girl next door and the lady opposite

22

The girl next door

and the lady opposite

1993

The Band:- nirvana

The Song:- Come as you are

The artist :- Whitney Houston

The Song :- I will always love you

THE MEETINGS

Have you ever dated two women at the same time? If the answer is no then I would probably advise against it, same for women,

two men is also one to many, and I should know I fell foul of two very justified women

but if yo have to,

try not to make the same school boy error as I did,

in the summer of nineteen ninety three I met this absolutely stunning girl at Mr smiths night club,

this was a big venue of the eighties and nineties in the north west,

if you are of a certain age, you will well remember hit man and her being filmed from there, anyway, the said night was coming to a close, the last dances were taking place, the boys and girls we’re choosing partners for the night,

plans were being laid, every one josheling for potition, and a few knob eads lookin for a fight,

when I glanced a girl looking in my direction and I had a vague recollection that I'd met her before,

so in my merry state I ventured over to the young lady,

we had met sometime ago, apparently when she use to live in the street where I once worked ,

we struck up an immediate meaningful conversation rite there and then,

which involved lips and tongues, a clinch or two and of course wandering hands by both parties,

this ended with the obligatory exchanging of phone numbers ( landlines of course) and arranged to meet up the next day, if we actually remembered we’d ever met.

I called Gabriella (gabby) the very next day, all excited and very giddy,

she wasn’t in? Bitch,

I’ll try her mobile, (well no! Because there ain’t no fucking mobiles readily available cheaply for the common people yet!)

I thought fuck it, I’ll head down the local, meet the lads for a Sunday afternoon pint and some male bonding and advice,

i needn’t have worried the lads were so sympathetic, cry’s of laughter occurred first, then the piss taking took place,

and some nice words of wisdom like,

why the fuck is a young nubile beauty when completely sober goning to look twice at you in the clear light of day you dickead,

cheers lads the ego is well and truly repaired,

As it goes Monday came and went and nothing, and I've decided I am not doing any chasing!

So on Tuesday night, I’m out at chevies, the local hot spot pub for karaoke,

and I’m there ave in it large when I am approached by this dark haired lady, and there was a touch of mystery about her,

she’s wearing blacks and dark purples, and looks a touch hippy with her wild black hair, topped with beads as a head dress,

but a little gothy with the colours and the most amazing thigh length boots,

good god she looked hot!

Her first words to me were, “are you Dwayne Taylor’s brother”?

Oh here we go someone’s after our kid again

“Yes” do you want his number” I replied dejected ,

looking me in the eyes, a little sheepishly I sensed, she says “god no, I was in his year at high school and remember you as his little brother and always thought you were cute”

right girl you have me from here on in,

I spent that night all over Joanne’s bedroom,

which if you're interested,

was a Terrence house on marshhouse lane,

why I am givin you this information will soon become quite apparent,

The morning after the night before, I bid farewell and promised to get in touch soon and to be honest why the fuck wouldn’t I

COMPLICATIONS

as it happens things took a little diversion in the relationship stakes,

but to be honest in my head the diversion did not seem to be to much of a problem,

you see by Thursday Gabriella had finally called me back, she was full of apologies,

she explains that she lived with her father who took the message,

and he had completely forgot to relay said message,

You see where I’m going yet?

I understood completely,

and yes, I said it would be great to meet up on Saturday evening for pizza,

at the famous Pizzaland (The in food outlet of the day,)

we met outside The eatery at 5pm, no need to pick her up as gabby was dropped off by some bloke,

it turns out it was her dad, she explained he was very protective, and when we were well into our meal, she started to open up, well she talked and talked,

mostly about some woman who lived opposite her,

and it seemed she hated her with a passion,

the story goes this neighbour dated her dad who at 38 was a young dad,

but unfortunately things did not go smoothly as gabby took a disliking to this woman, gabby was around 13 when they dated and did not want her in there life,

and suffice to say she got her wish and they split and papa was broken hearted,

As the evening turned to night we had left the restaurant and were strolling hand in hand, when gabby drags me down an ally and confesses she like to do it, in public places,

now I’m no prude but the chosen place stunk of piss and vomit, and did nothing for my sex drive,

but fortunately being close to where I lived, I convinced her that my bed would be a much better place for are first time together.

and with that, a night of amazing passion on a king size bed and not some strangers vomit, was had,

On Sunday morning the landline was ringing, “who the hell would be phoning on a Sunday” I murmured,

don’t get me wrong I wasn’t asleep, gabby was full of Sunday morning passion, few!

at the age of twenty eight am I to old for this kind of shenanigans, Of course fucking not! I leap off gabby to attend to the phone, because it just would not stop ringing,

Luckily the phone is in the back room which was a god send, as on the other end was jo,

the out come of the call was she was free that evening and did I fancy a drink or a night in,

well yeah, both Of course,

but with which girl?

Fuck it I thought, say your goodbyes to gabby, get your glad rags on and get down to jo’s, pronto,

so the plan begins to form in my head,

but first there's cuddles with gabby, and out for romantic lunch, I walk her home, then it will be back to mine for a quick change and I'll be off to Jo’s,

What can I say, easy,

And it was going so well,

until we arrived at the front door of gabbys, (the street where she lived was very familiar) because with the toss of the head backwards and a glance across the street gabby says flippantly,

see the blue door opposite that’s where the bitch I hate lives, with that my body started to heat up,

my head felt as if it was about to explode,

I kissed gabby passionately and made my goodbyes,

and a promise of a call in the week, and with that, my collar was up and I shuffled crab like down the lane to the corner where I felt I would be safe, now if you are slow on the uptake, and have not worked it out yet, don’t worry your not on yer own , I was actually there and I didn’t have a fucking clue until till it was almost to late,

so yes, gabby lived on marsh-house lane, opposite jo,

and yes,

jo is the bitch that broke gabbys dads heart

and yes,

I’m the knob ead involved with 2two beautiful women who hate each other,

And yes yes yes,

I’m the unlucky bastard who will probably be castrated if ever they found out about each other,

ah but there not gonna find out, because I’ve got a plan,

UNDERCOVER DATING

The third week of undercover dating and I still have cock and bollocks intacked, result there, butI’ve simply had enough,

for one I have not got any free time,

Two I’m alway knackered,

Thirdly it’s costing me a fucking fortune,

Fourth the lads are taking the piss daily,

Fifth I’ve come close to making mistakes,

and last but not least sixth my nerves are shot and I can’t take anymore sneaking around, it'll be only time before something gives,

so the conclusion is to break it off gently with one girl,

and use the back door of the other for the forceable future,

As the older woman at thirty my nievety thought Jo would be better placed in life if I broke of our relationship,( infact she probably wouldn’t give a shit)

So I decided just to have one more date wth gabby first, just to be sure of my choice, before the devastating news was laid at Jo’s door,

I am so sensitive to women’s needs,

The date night arrived,

and all was going so well,

Have you ever had sex in a phone box?

I have, and it is not to be recommended,

but it’ll be a fond memory to look back on, as it was the last time gabby and I got together at very close quarters, and got to grips with each other,

So as we headed back to gabbys house, I was making my exuses, to maybe drop her at the corner of the lane, but she was buying none of it, and was getting somewhat suspicious, so I had to let it go, I then I tried suggesting we go round the back for a last hurrah of the evening, but daddy’s home so no hanky Panky around the back, so fuck it my collar is back up, and I wished at that moment I had a hat and dark glasses to hand,

I turned inwards to gabby and shuffled the last couple hundred feet, I can feel the eyes of gabby upon me, but what I didn’t see coming, was Jo from the other direction, I only realised the situation when I hear the words John Taylor what the fuck are you doing with that slapper,

I swallowed and turned to Jo, and I say "hi jo how's it going, you will never guess, such a funny story to be told, you will laugh your head off"

by now gabby has caught on really quickly,

so I quickly turn to her to try to diffuse the bubbling situation, too fucking late, I did not see it coming, but come it did,

The slap from gabby to the left cheek was so unexpected, and spun me on my heels to face Jo who in turn slapped me a lot harder on the right cheek, spinning me again to face gabby,

oh Christ here we go round the mulberry bush I thought,

but no, not at all, no more slapping time,

Instead there was a six inch super stiletto to the left foot piercing my fuckin new Adidas trainers, I think I broke toes that night!

Could it get any worse?

Yes it could

I felt the kick land at the back of my rite knee, which dropped me like a bag of shite to my knees ruining my also new wranglers not to mention my knees,

in those days I had long blond locks, and I thought oh fuck there going to have my locks,

so I took extreme measures,

I threw both arms over my head and dropped into the featal potition,

hoping to reduce the damage to my beautiful hair,

well I needn’t have worried after many explenitives like twat knob ead

Fuck face, and my own favourite you were shite in bed tiny dick, (well, that did hurt, as I always tried my best,)

jo stormed across the road to her house and I heard her door bang with an almighty crash, think she took that that well in the circumstances,

all the while I’m looking left and right, just hopin gabbys done one,

there’s only silence now, and

this is when I feel it?

a warm sensation running across my head and down my cheeks and looping around my lips,

I couldn’t help but lick, aghh for fucks sake! piss,

I turn my eyes upwards and gabby is straddling my head pissing like and elephant, is it ever gonna stop,

well it does,

but the silence continues, while gabby hops off an walks lady like to her front door,

well I couldn’t resist,

I shouts over to her,

I’ll give you a call you my love,

and with my left hand I did the phone sign,

she turns gives me the most evil of stares,

and I thought shit fuck bollocks,

better get the fuck out of here but she just slowly lifts the right arm turns her hand upward and shows me the finger,

another door slams,

I’m all alone now,

and I’m thinking it’s gonna take more than head and shoulders to sort out my mullet,

and while I’m sat there on the pavement mulling over what just went down,

I realised I should’ve chose Jo for the last date,

because pissing on someone’s head is so childish,

gabby at eighteen just showed her age right there, with that wet statement

suffice to say I never saw these two feisty women again, and still to this day I wonder what I did that was so wrong?