Countdown

You start by saying things like "keep an open mind" Then you go on by taking a deep breath or two or four. Looking for the courage in between those breaths...

You then continue with an exit plan, "you can always walk out" you say, hoping that they do. Then you go on by taking four deep breaths or six or seven...

You would think it would get easier, seen as you have said this one too many times before. But you can't find the right words to explain why it is that you can't really make many plans, or how drinking coffee is necessary in the mornings. How you ran out and skipped a couple of meals. Lastly how some days you have to drag yourself to be human...

Yet you begin with "I..." And that's the beginning of the end in which you hope for once they'll stay, but they won't. No interruptions, then no answers, and then you miss him. For he set the standard of the story you've said one too many times before to high.

And you reassure them you're not alone and they say they "can't leave you alone"

But you know they will... and then silence, you can almost hear what he's thinking.

And you feel your heart breaking...

And it's not because you're in love, but because you had the courage to say it out loud.

So then you start to worry about the debate they have amongst themselves and how you need to stop it but you know they'll walk away because they always do... so you make it easy for them, but they tell you that they love you and maybe even hold your hand...

10...9...8...7...

And you give it minutes until they make it into themselves instead of understanding what's going on...6...5...4...

And your heart starts racing, and you know what coming, and you start the blaming game...3...2...

But you know it's not your faul and the wishful thinking still has not arrived...1...

So you let him down easy, you let everyone down easy... because you don't want to hurt. And the memory of the ones that stayed just haunt the lips that said goodbye, because you know even they have left...

and you take a deep breath or two or four, and you realize it just gets harder every time.

-jossyflowers🌹