"Giving Up to Keep"

"Giving up to Keep"

Prologue

“You’ve earned this,” James Cartwright whispered, lowering one side of her hospital gown and exposing her bare skin and one breast. “This is a moment that was 9 months in the making.” Hallie Johnson gazed into her best friend’s smoky gray eyes, watching him turn to a clear bassinet.

“9 months?” Hallie stifled a laugh, afraid of aggravating her incision site. “Try ten years. From the moment I met you, I knew that you were destined to change my life.” She tucked a lock of auburn hair behind her ear.

“We need a name.” James placed the newborn infant on her mother’s chest. “None of the names that I’ve tried seem right. I figured it was a sign that you needed to be involved.” He then gently covered the baby with a hand-knit green cashmere blanket and lovingly smoothed it down, making sure her head was exposed.

“Michael.” Hallie winced, raising her arms around the baby. At the mention of the name, the baby raised her head ever so slightly and opened her eyes.

“You do know that we had a girl…right?” James asked. “I know that one sonographer said she was a boy but I watched her first bath and we definitely have a girl.” He squatted on his heels, next to the leather recliner.

Hallie closed her eyes, reveling in the warm baby rooting on her chest. As the child seized her nipple between her lips and started to suck, Hallie felt her entire body grow warm and relax.

“Yes, I know we had a girl. However, I like the name Michael.” She stared defiantly at James. “I know you know why I want to name her Michael.”

“After Michael Southcreek, the reason that we met.” James whispered. He intertwined his fingers with Hallie’s free hand.

“Ask Sebastian if you don’t like it.” Hallie nodded in the direction of James’ sleeping husband. “I’m sure he would agree. This baby needs a name that means something,”

It had been a long night for all of them but especially Hallie.

“Michael Johns-Wright.” James glanced at the ceiling. “She needs a middle name.” He nibbled on his lower lip. “Grace. Michael Grace Johns-Wright.”

“Our Mikey Grace.” Hallie’s green eyes connected with her daughter’s own gray-flecked green eyes.

Her eyes grew heavy with exhaustion. It was as if the events of the last 45 hours were finally catching up to her. As she drifted off to sleep, tightly gripping her baby, she began to dream about everything that had led up to this very moment.

 

Chapter One

Hallie Smith had never been outside the small town that she had grown up in. Mother and Father had insisted that the world was an awful, scary place and that Heavenly Father would provide everything that they needed. There was no need to leave the farm until the right gentleman came along to court her and then, she would move to his property where she would be expected to keep home and raise many children…just like her mother.

“Zee has been visiting Papa again.” Meredith, her sister said knowingly. She reached into a basket of clothes pins and pinned a bedsheet to the line. “You know what that means.” She smoothed her apron over her expanding waistline.

“Ezekiel Johnson is in his 40s. Why would he possibly be interested in a 17-year-old like me?” Hallie swung the wicker basket up on her hip. “You are insane, Meredith Bates. I feel that your child is eating your brain cells.”

“You’re just jealous because you’re not even courting yet. I was the same way before I met Edward.” Meredith puffed out her belly and gave it a slow, obvious rub. “Well, if I’m right, you’ll soon be Mrs. Ezekiel Smith and in a family way.” She turned on her heel and waddled back to the farmhouse.

Hallie sighed, setting the basket back down. She dusted her pink gingham dress down and stared at her white thrift store sneakers. There had to be more to life than this. Why couldn’t she leave and find herself?

“Hallie, you’re being foolish,” she whispered, setting herself in the long, warm grass. “This is just how it is.” She wrapped her arms around her knees. “This is what life is like when you’re the prettiest daughter of the most popular preacher in town.” She found herself almost praying to God, asking him why he had to make her pretty.

Hallie was 5’7 with long, waist-length deep auburn hair. She had green eyes, very similar to Scarlett O’Hara and a slim figure. She looked nothing like the rest of the family who all took after the Smith side of the family, being short and dumpy. She resembled the Bakers- her mother’s family.

Oh, Mama… she thought, a tear almost springing to her eye. It had been almost 8 months since she had gone to be with the Lord. Rumor was that Father was courting the Widow Callahan, a young woman with several children who needed a man to look after her. Father needed a mother for his 9 children, especially the youngest- 7 month old Sarah.

It was 2016 but you couldn’t have proved it by visiting the Johnson farm. They had very limited access to the outside world which was just how Papa liked it. Nothing would be worse than one of his children straying from the flock and becoming worldly. It had happened to his brother, Josiah and then…well, Hallie wasn’t exactly sure but she knew it hadn’t ended well for him.

“Hallie!” Meredith called, shouting from the back porch. “Hallie Elizabeth- get over here now. Papa needs you.”

Hallie blinked sleepily. How long had been Meredith trying to her attention? The last thing she wanted was for Meredith to be cross with her- she would be in for quite the lecture from Papa about why it was bad to aggravate a woman in a delicate condition.

“Coming!” Hallie squealed, struggling to her feet. She moved as fast as she could. As she ran up the stairs, she let the screen door shut with a bang. As sweat dripped down her face, she found herself shuffled into a downstairs bedroom that doubled as a clothing closet.

“Get that hideous work dress off,” Meredith said, untying the apron. “I know it’s around here…” She threw the apron to the side and began to search through a closet bar of long dresses. “Here it is. This is the dress Mama made me wear whenever Edward came around.” She showed Hallie a long red dress, covered in small white flowers. “No, you’re taller than me. Let me see…” She set the dress back and found a replacement. “Mother wore this when she met Papa.” The dress was made of a peach polyester and also had a print of white flowers. “You’re not out of your work dress yet.” Meredith yanked the dress over Hallie’s head, ignoring her complaints of ear pain. “You’re not even wearing the right undergarments. Must I teach you everything?”

Hallie tried to tune out her sister’s squawking. She didn’t care about fashion or courting. She wasn’t even sure she wanted babies. All she knew was that there had to be more to life.

“Almost done.” Meredith tied Hallie’s hair back with a peach ribbon and smoothed the white lace prayer cap over her head. “You’re perfect.”

“For what?” Hallie asked, blinking,

“To meet Zee. Papa wanted you to sit down with them but he told me to make sure you were presenta-OH! Your shoes!” Meredith squatted down as best she could and pulled a pair of black suede clogs out of a basket. “Put these on.”

By the time they left the closet, Hallie could hardly move. The old dress constricted her breathing, the shoes weren’t conducive to being able to actually move and if she moved more than a few inches to the left, the lace cap pulled at her hair.

She was beautiful though…especially by her father’s standards.

“Well, look at my Hallie.” Papa rose, grasping her by the hand. As he leaned in to kiss her cheek, his voice was just barely audible. “Do not interfere, my willful daughter.” He eased her into a chair. “You are just the spitting image of your mother.”

“Well, she is a pretty girl.” Zee Smith said, grinning. He exposed a row of yellow, uneven teeth. “Can she cook?”

“She can cook almost anything. My Elizabeth, may she rest in peace, raised her well. She can tend home, watch animals and raise children.” Papa spoke about her as if she were not sitting there. “I can guarantee that she will make a good wife for you.”

A good wife?

“Well, she’s a touch younger than I would have wanted but there are just not many good Christian girls to marry. I try every so often but it is difficult.” Ezekiel stuck his hand in the pocket of his jeans. He pulled out a battered ring box. “If you will agree to it, Amos, I’d like to marry your daughter.”

A bitter taste flooded Hallie’s mouth. She had always heard about the way these courtships happened but she had never expected this. Is this what Meredith had gone through?

“Well, that would be fine, Zee. How soon are you looking?” Papa glanced to the calendar behind Ezekiel’s head. “We could probably do something next week. Nothing fancy- just a quick ceremony and a dinner here.”

“Next Sunday it is.”

Hallie found herself jumping to her feet and racing to the bathroom. She couldn’t vomit in front of the men- it wouldn’t be proper. However, as soon as she hit the floor by the toilet, she started vomiting.

“It is just nerves.” Papa assured Ezekiel. “Every young woman is nervous about her wedding day.”

“She’ll have a good life with me.”

Resting her head on the cool porcelain, Hallie began to weep. She wept for the fact she was leaving the only home that she ever knew. She wept for the hound puppies who would never know her loving touch.

Most importantly, she wept for the life that she would never have.

 

Chapter 2

“Hallie, I don’t want you to leave.” Kathleen, her 12-year-old sister said, pulling the lace coverlet down her bed. “I don’t want you to get married.” She glanced around, making sure that she wasn’t in earshot of Papa. He might thrash her for making such comments.

“We all have to one day.” Hallie whispered, folding the lace trimmed pillow cases and placing them into a trunk. “You will just as I am and has Meredith did.” She choked back a tear. This was not the time to cry as it would just manage to upset Kathleen,9-year-old Ginny, 7-year-old Betsy and 4-year-old Josie. “You know what this means, right?” Hallie sat on the edge of her bed, motioning for Kathleen to join her.

“What?” Kathleen sat next to Hallie.

“You’ll be the biggest sister now. The littles will look up to you. You will look out for them.” Hallie bit down on her lip. She knew saying good-bye would be difficult but she had never imagined it would be this difficult.

“Happy birthday, Hallie.” Kathleen hugged her sister. “You’ve been a great sister and I’ll miss you.”

“Silly One. I’m only going to the Johnson farm. The farm on the other side of the creek?” Hallie ran her fingers through Kathleen’s dark hair. “There’s so much I want to tell you. So many lessons. Do well in school. Get your diploma and go to college.”

“College?” Kathleen pulled back in surprise. “Isn’t college worldly? Papa would never be okay with that.”

“There are bible colleges. There are schools that Papa would agree to. You don’t have to be a wife and mother unless that’s what you want.” Hallie wished that someone had taken the time to tell her these things when she was Kathleen’s age. Maybe things would have been different.

She could have done something with her life instead of being the 18-year-old bride of an illiterate farmer.

“I love you, Hallie.” Big tears welled up in Kathleen’s eyes. “I love you.”

Hallie could hardly sleep that night because she was so nervous. She tossed and turned, trying to will her exhausted mind to ease long enough for her to rest. Tomorrow was going to be a busy day.

“Hallie?” Kathleen whispered. “Do you suppose that the Lord will bless you with babies right way?”

Hallie faced the alarm clock. The red electric numbers proclaimed that it was 1:15 AM.

“Kathleen, I know why I am awake. Why are you awake?” Hallie sighed. “And if it is his will, I will be blessed with babies right away.” She tried to imagine her stomach stretched out the way it was happening with Meredith. She found that the thought made her quite queasy.

“I’m excited. I love weddings.” Kathleen admitted. “Meredith was so pretty at her wedding. You’re going to be a very pretty bride in Mama’s dress. And think of the babies!”

“Come here, Silly One.” Hallie patted the bed next to her. “You can sleep with me just as you used to when you were little and afraid of the storms.” She scooted over, making room for Kathleen.

As Kathleen snuggled down next to her, Hallie was finally able to sleep.

Morning came much too quickly. Hallie was woken by the rays of sunshine that were peeking through the blind slats. Rolling over, her feet grazed the hard wood floor and she pushed up.

“It’s my wedding day.” Hallie wasn’t entirely convinced that this wasn’t a very bad dream that she was experiencing. “It’s my wedding day.”

“It is your wedding day,” Meredith confirmed, walking through the open door. “And before we get ready for church, I need your help. Josie’s wet the bed and Betsy’s wet herself. Sheets or child?”

“Don’t you have your own house to tend?” Hallie asked, trying not to sound as bitter as she felt.

“Papa asked me to help today.” Meredith struggled to squat down to change the sheets.

“Go take care of Betsy- I’ll do the sheets.”

As soon as the damp sheets had been deposited in the laundry room and the bed remade, Hallie chose to sneak away to the barn. She had used the hay loft for her secret hiding place from an early age. It was one of the few places on the farm that was legitimately her space.

“Oh Muffin,” she said, curling up with the old barn cat. Eight fat kittens played in her lap, reminding her to pay attention to them as well. “You know how it is- you want the world and the next thing you know you’re nursing a litter and life has changed suddenly.” The calico cat mewed as if she understood. “This isn’t the life I want- this is the life I am expected to have. I should be happy to have a husband- a prosperous man but I want to see what life is like out there.”

“You always were the free spirit.” Josiah, her eldest brother swung himself up the hayloft. “They’re looking for you.” At 28, Josiah was a high school teacher at the local Christian school. He never had the knack for farming that the rest of his family had.

The color drained from Hallie’s face.

“You didn’t hear me say that.” Papa didn’t believe that daughters should be willful. If he got wind of what Hallie was truly thinking, the consequences would be most dire.

“I’m not going to repeat.” Josiah settled next to her, plucking a black and white tuxedo cat from her lap. “You always were the one with the most promise.”

Were.

“Why do you say that?”

“You never stopped asking why. I just did what was expected of me, regardless of how I felt about it.”

Josiah had married a righteous girl named Tiffany, just out of high school. They had been married almost ten years and were already expecting their third baby. Lydia and Dina were the apples of his eye but Hallie couldn’t help but wonder if he was praying that their next blessing was a baby boy.

“You got to pick who you married- Papa is just marrying me off to the first eligible man that comes along.” Hallie sniffed back a sob.

“Tiffany wasn’t my first choice but I’ve grown to love her. She’s given me two beautiful daughters. She treats me well.” Josiah sighed, a far off look in his eye. “If you’re lucky, it will be the same for you and Zee.”

For once, Hallie wanted to be contrary. She wanted to kick. She wanted to scream. She didn’t care if the Heavenly Father swooped down and picked her up off this very spot.

“Come on, Little Sister. You need to eat before your wedding. The crowd should start arriving soon.”

Hallie reluctantly choked down a simple meal of toast, jelly and tea. She couldn’t bear to eat any more than that despite the urgings of her sister to eat heartily. Then, she showered. Tears ran down her face as she bathed herself.

“Dry yourself,” Meredith thrust a thread-bare towel at Hallie. She wandered into the bathroom, not caring that Hallie was nude. “We have to do this right.” In her other hand, she grasped a dry cleaning bag.

Before Hallie could comprehend what was going on, she was dressed in new white panties, a white bra that she assumed was a hand-me-down from Meredith, a white silk under-dress and a white muslin petticoat.

“Almost there.” Meredith glanced around. She pulled Mama’s wedding dress out of the bag. “I think you’re going to be the prettiest bride this season.”

Hallie wasn’t so sure of that.

“Well, look at you.” Meredith turned Hallie so she was facing the body-length mirror.

“You just are a natural beauty.”

Hallie thought she was looking at a stranger. Who was this alabaster-skinned redhead looking back at her?

“Hallie!” Kathleen shouted. “Papa says it’s time- head to the church.”

Taking slow careful steps, Hallie trudged through the farm. She tried to be careful of her white ballet flats. Right now, appearances were everything and someone in the small church would be sure to notice a dirt smudge somewhere.

Being talked about like that was shameful.

“For the marriage of my daughter, Hallie Elizabeth to her betrothed, Ezekiel Charles, Brother Carmody has graciously offered to officiate so I can give my daughter to this man.” Papa beamed, trying to look proud but not too proud.

Hallie tried to stand up straight and not slouch but the panic inside her was rising.

“Marriage is a beautiful thing. We bless these two souls so that they may have many happy years.” Brother Carmody spoke in a stilted manner as if he were trying to remember the words. “Amos Smith, do you hand your daughter, Hallie Elizabeth to Ezekiel Charles?”

“Yes.” Papa transferred Hallie’s hand to Ezekiel’s hand. Then, he took a seat in the front pew of the church.

Hallie tried her best to pay attention to what Brother Carmody was saying. She knew that he kept talking about how marriage was a sacred and holy ritual but outside that, she wasn’t sure what else he had to say.

“Hallie, do you vow to love, honor and obey Ezekiel as you are placed under his will?”

Hallie hesitated. It would be so easy to run now. However, where would she run?

“I do.”

“Ezekiel, do you vow to love, honor and guide Hallie as her sole protector?”

“I do.”

 

Chapter 3

Hallie stared up at the popcorn ceiling as she listened to the soft snores of Ezekiel. She stood up, pressing her feet into the grimy carpet and wrapping a green flat sheet around her. She made sure that her husband was still wrapped up in his own quilt.

There was no time for a traditional honeymoon. The cows were due to calve any day. The goats needed milking. The Alpacas need shearing. Ezekiel had opted to take his new bride to the honeymoon suite at the local motor lodge. It was a tacky place with mirrors on the ceiling, condoms on the pillow and avocado green sheets, clearly a throwback to the 70s.

Lie back and think of Jesus- at least for your first time.

Those words had been Meredith’s wisdom on getting through her wedding night. Hallie knew that if Mama were still alive, she’d have prepared her in her own special way.

What about babies?

What about them?

I don’t know that I’m ready for a baby…aren’t there things that you can do?

We don’t speak of those things. It is a sin to find a way outside of the Lord’s divine plan. Do you want to disrespect the lord?

Hallie perched on the toilet. Letting the sheet fall, she tried to empty her bladder- a way to prevent infection, said Meredith. She shifted, wincing. The ever-present ache between her legs a reminder of what they had done…

She dampened a scratchy white washcloth in the sink. She ran it down the inside of her legs and shivered, realizing that it came back red with blood. She rinsed the washcloth out, and watched the pink-tinged water fall down the drain.

This can’t be my life. She thought, sinking her head into her hands. I am worth so much more than this.

“You should be asleep.” Ezekiel walked through the bathroom door, wearing nothing but a ragged pair of blue boxers.

“I had to go.” Hallie flushed the toilet to prove her point. “I’m also sore.” She held the washcloth out for his inspection.

“You bleed on your wedding night- it means you’re pure.” Ezekiel squatted, smoothing her hair down with a free hand.

“This…” She drifted off mid-sentence. “Never mind.”

“Go lay back,” Ezekiel said, nuzzling her neck. “I’ll be right there.”

It took all of Hallie’s strength not to recoil.

Hours turned into days. Days turned into weeks. Hallie did her best to keep it together but she soon found that she was just living a shadow of her former self.

“You need to cheer up,” commented Meredith, laying her bible on the table. “When your husband calls me to see if I can perk you up, you have a problem.”

“I am happy,” Hallie insisted, taking a long sip of ginger tea. “I’ve always wanted to be a wife and soon, I’ll be a mother. What more could a girl want?” She chuckled, hoping that she sounded convincing.

“You sound happy.” Meredith rolled her eyes, running her hand under the curve of her belly. Hallie knew that it was a way that she drew attention to her condition. “Hallie Elizabeth, you’ve never been able to fool me.”

“I am happy.” Hallie glanced just beyond Meredith’s shoulder to the old clock. “Remind me in five minutes to pull the bread out of the oven, I burned the biscuits this morning and had to give them to the chickens.”

“Ed and I have decided to call the baby ‘Nathaniel Amos’ for a boy after his granddad and Papa. A girl will be Charlotte Elizabeth after Mama.” Meredith sighed contently. “Do you mind freshening my tea?”

Hallie grabbed the mug from Meredith. She poured the hot water from the kettle and added her tea holder to the water.

“So how did Zee take the news?”

“What news?”

“You don’t know…?” Meredith gasped, her hand coming to her open lips. “Hallie, I think you’re expecting.”

“That is silly.” Hallie stopped, pausing to count in her head. If her math was correct, her cycle was due……four days ago. The mug fell from her hand, shattering on the ground as she doubled over.

“Don’t be dramatic.” Meredith squatted to the best of her ability and started picking up the broken pieces of tea cup. “You act like you’re the first person to ever have a baby.”

“I’m not expecting.” Hallie crossed her hands over her chest, wincing as the pain made her pull away. “It’s just stress from the wedding. My cycle does that.”

“And the ginger tea?” Meredith reached her hand up to Hallie. “Help me up.” She winced, Hallie pulling her to her feet. “Mama only ever drank ginger tea when a new baby was on the way. It settles the baby sickness.”

“I’m not ready for a baby. Mr. Johnson and I still barely know each other.”

“The lord doesn’t care about that. He brings babies when he wants to bring them.” As the clock chimed to signal the start of the noon hour, Meredith pointed to the stove. “Don’t forget your bread- you may have darker crusts.”

“Wouldn’t I know that I’m expecting?” Hallie deposited the loaves of bread on the counter. She groaned, realizing that the crusts were two shades darker than Ezekiel liked. It was edible…just dark. “One of these days, I will get it right.”

“If you don’t believe me, you can take a test.” Meredith started to dig through her black patent leather handbag. “I just so happen to have one.”

“Why?” Her sister never failed to amaze her. Meredith always seemed to have just what they needed in that very moment.

“I was bringing it to Missy. She thought she might have been expecting. Then, she couldn’t wait so she bought her own test.” Meredith found the box and handed it to her. “Just tinkle on the stick and we’ll go from there.”

"I feel foolish." Hallie called from the bathroom. "Mama always knew she was expecting. I think I would know."

"You're also 18."

"Don't sound so grand- you're only 21. You're not that much older than me."

"There is no need to be ugly, Hallie." Meredith tapped her fingers on the doorframe in annoyance.

The door opened.

"Well?"

"I'm..." All Hallie could do was nod, looking paler and paler as she held out the stick with the big pink plus sign on it.

Chapter 5

"Hallie, you know that I'm going to Denver next week, right?" Ezekiel broke the silence of the room. "It's the 4H convention. You're welcome to come with me."

Hallie glared silently across the room as she rubbed her arm. She had moved too suddenly for his liking while he had been drinking and he had gripped her tightly. In the shower this morning, she couldn't ignore the bruise that had formed.

"You don't need to be like that." Ezekiel huffed. "I told you I was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. You shouldn't have stormed away when I was talking to you."

"And you shouldn't have been drinking. Papa told me that you were a sober, pious man." Hallie knew that mouthing off could only cause more trouble but she didn't care.

"That's not your place." Ezekiel stared towards the ceiling. "Your father also told me that you were in no way willful and knew your place."

"I do know my place. It's not being your toy."

"You're out of line, Hallie." Ezekiel stood, his body language clearly displaying his anger.

It had been two weeks since Hallie had learned that she was pregnant. In that time, she had done everything possible to not tell Ezekiel. Her swelling breasts were blamed on her cycle. The nausea and vomiting was first the flu and then a nervous stomach because she was expected to give a solo in the church choir.

The only thing that Hallie had struggled to hide was the subtle thickening of her waist. The easiest way to hide that was to deny her husband all forms of marital relations and never let him see her without her chemise.

"Don't think I don't know what you do behind the barn with Elvira McGee."

Hallie knew in that moment that she had said the wrong thing as Ezekiel seized her and dragged her towards the bedroom.

She could only begin to fathom what his plan was.

XXXX

"I'm sorry that I had to do that." Ezekiel stood up from the bed, slipping back into his boxer shorts. "You were being too willful. I had to teach you your place."

Hallie rolled over, her tear-stained face hidden as she tightly clutched her pillow. She didn't know what to say to the man who had taken her forcefully to prove a point, especially knowing that she had been sick and in pain.

What if he had hurt the baby?

"It is what it is." Hallie showed no emotion as she dressed. "My brother is dropping off Lidia and Dina soon- Tiffany is nearing her time and needs rest." She doubled over as she moved wrong and the soreness between her legs hit again.

"I'll be in town for a bit. I'll be back in time to do the chores."

Probably with your whore, telling her about what you did to me. Hallie thought, tossing her torn petticoat into the trash.

Mama, you never prepared me for this. You told me that a man would be gentle and loving. You wouldn't have let Papa consent to this marriage.

She settled into her rocking chair and began to rock back and forth, back and forth. Soon, she picked up her knitting needles and began to work on the same blanket that Mama had knit for all her expected babies.

Lord, if it be your will...please take....

A sick feeling rose in her stomach as she realized exactly what she was about to pray for.

Hallie had been taught that all life was sacred. It started from the moment life was knit together deep in the womb.

And she had been about to pray for the lord to take her baby away.

"Don't think so hard." Josiah walked in, holding the hands of his daughters. "The girls can't wait to spend the night with their Auntie Hallie. Lidia told me that you were much more fun than Auntie Meredith."

"Daddy! You weren't supposed to tell her that!" Lidia squealed. She wrenched herself from her father's grip. Running to Hallie, she threw her arms around her aunt and gave her a big hug.

"Gentle." Hallie urged, tears springing to her eyes.

Josiah took one look at his sister and then quickly turned away.

A letter

Dear Hallie,

Eighteen years ago, Mama placed you in my arms and made me promise to protect you from our world. I was six years old, and after losing several babies to miscarriage and health issues, you were her rainbow.

You probably don't know this but Mama wasn't born into Father's world. She met him at a church retreat when she was a teenager. A friend that had wanted to save her from being an atheist dragged her to this. Mama met Father and fell head over heels in love with the farmer. He felt safe. He was present, everything that Mama hadn't gotten from her wealthy parents who had insisted on leaving her to be raised by nannies as they traveled the world.

Mama knew you were special from the second you arrived. She told me once... "Your sister was so alert, and with the red hair and the green eyes, I knew that she was going to be as feisty as I was."

That's why she made me promise to protect you, regardless of the cost.

I don't know exactly what that man has done to you. I don't want to know as I will then be forced to do not very nice things. I can however protect you the only way I know how.

Enclosed you will find the following:

-A check for 2,000 to be cashed upon reaching your new destination.

-500 dollars in cash which will be used to get you to your new home.

- A bus ticket to Atlanta, GA

- A cellphone that only I and Tiffany have the number for.

-The address of Marcus, the widower of the uncle that I am named after.

Yes, you read that correctly. Father's worldly brother, Josiah left because he was a homosexual and he knew that by staying, he would never be truly happy. He ran away to the city where he met Marcus, fell in love and then, passed in his sleep of a brain aneurysm.

I've already spoken to Marcus. He has agreed to give you shelter and support you in whatever you decide to do with your child.

Please give us a call when you land.

Your big brother,

Josiah Edward Smith

Chapter 5

Hallie winced, her back beginning to seize up. She'd been riding for the last three days, not sure where she was going but just knowing that she needed to get far away.

Lord, please protect me. I am your child, protecting one of your precious children deep in my womb.

"Hi, Brother. I'm here. Not sure where here is but I made it." She glanced at the display on her phone. "I'll call you when I get A chance."

Hallie roamed mindlessly, pulling the pink chaise suitcase behind her.

The uncle that had agreed to house her had had a family emergency and wouldn't be back for several days. Once he was back, he'd be happy to help her but she would just need to figure out something in the meantime.

This city had to have somewhere for her to go.

"You okay?" A man with long, fake eyelashes and glittery pink lips called from an alley.

Hallie paused, turning towards the alley.

"I'm not going to hurt you." The man walked towards her. The tap-tap of his shoes told Hallie that he was wearing high heels. "You're not my type."

Hallie gasped, stopping suddenly. Was this One of the wicked homosexuals that Papa had warned her about?

"Call me Mama." The man offered his hand to her. "Don't be afraid."

"My name is Hallie." She took his hand. "I'm new to town and don't know where to go."

"I figured that." "Mama" gestured to Hallie's denim workdress and thrift store sneakers. "You don't look like you're from here."

"Indiana." Hallie glanced away shyly. Mother had always said it wasn't polite to stare.

"Come on. You can sit in my dressing room." Mama pulled Hallie into the alley and threw a backdoor open. "I have a show but then we can figure it out."

Hallie settled into a battered armchair. As she watched Mama dress, she just couldn't look away.

"Haven't you ever seen a drag queen before?" Mama shimmied the black rhinestone dress up.

"You're beautiful."

"I look like a rhinestone Christmas ornament." Mama turned, her back towards Hallie. "Zip me up."

"We didn't have drag queens on the farm." Hallie admitted, running the zipper up.

"The farm?" Mama paused, her earring half way to her ear.

"My husband is an alpaca and dairy farmer."

"Does he know you're here?"

Hallie shook her head.

"I ran away." She bit her lip, staring shamefully at the concrete. "He's 43, and mean."

"Say no more." Mama faced a man wearing a pink t-shirt and jeans. "Shot of Cherry Vodka. You want anything, Princess?"

"I'm pregnant. I can't drink." Hallie sighed.

"You don't need to drink. Get her a cranberry juice, Joshie." Mama turned again. "How far along are you?"

"I don't know what that means."

"When do you expect the baby to come?"

"Oh, I don't know. I think we made the blessing on my wedding night which was ...four months ago...?"

"You haven't been to a doctor?"

"My family don't use doctors. Homebirths, midwives. No men present."

"Well, we're going to change that." Mama sighed. "I'm going to help you but in exchange, we give your baby the best possible start."

Hallie could only nod.

---------------------

"Welcome to your temporary home." Mama opened the door, butting it with her hip. "Your choices are my bed which is comfortable but comes with Gnocchi."

"Gnocchi?"

"My 82 lb basset hound. I'd like to think that this is my home but I am really just a slave to my dog."

"What is my other choice?"

"Air mattress on the living floor. Gnocchi is the lesser of two evils but it is your choice."

A large tri-colored basset lazily sauntered out of the bedroom. Startled by Hallie's appearance, he began to howl and yowl.

"Enough, Dog." Mama held out his hand, silencing the dog. "This may take a few minutes-he doesn't really see a lot of women."

"Oh I bet you're just a big baby." Hallie sunk to her knees, next to the dog. Gently, she stroked Gnocchi's velvety ears. The next thing she knew was that she was on the ground, the giant dog gently resting his head on her chest, almost vibrating with contentment as his tail went back and forth in sheer happiness.

"I spoke to your uncle. Luckily for you, I know him- friend of a friend and he knows me- we run in a similar circle during our day jobs." Mama sighed. "He'll be back by the end of next week and we'll come to a plan."

"Plan?" Hallie tried to sit up but found that the dog wouldn't let her.

"You need to see a doctor. We need to figure out what to do about that asshole husband of yours. I'd say call the cops but something tells me that you live in Mayberry and the sheriff is his drinking buddy."

"How'd you know? I mean... I don't know what Mayberry is but the Sheriff is the deacon at our church and frequently comes over for fellowship."

"Enough of the church talk- there's a reason I left home and never looked back." Mama shivered. "My first priority is worrying about that bean in your belly. I don't know anything about pregnant women but I know that you have to be seen by a doctor regularly or you risk 'complications'."

"My mother birthed nine children at home without a doctor and she was fine."

"And where is your mother now?"

"She went to be with the lord after the midwife couldn't stop the bleeding. Sarah came very fast and Mama tore."

"Your mother died in childbirth?"

"It was terrible. I was there- there was so much blood...."

"You just proved my point."

Mama snapped his fingers, something that made the big dog stand up and amble back into the bedroom. He then proceeded to pull Hallie to her feet, and wrap his arms around her.

"I'm going to do something that I've never done before." Mama lovingly pressed his lips to Hallie's forehead. "I, Calvin Graves promise to look after you for as long as I need to. Both you..." His spare hand drifted to the faint bulge of Hallie's belly. "And the Bean will be loved and protected for as long as you need it."

Choking back tears, Hallie could only nod.

Chapter 6

"Mama?" Hallie glanced over to the man sitting next to her. The clinic was cold and reeked of antiseptic and something that she couldn't quite identify.

"I know you don't like clinics but we've already had this discussion. I'm not letting you leave." Mama gripped Hallie's spare hand. "This is for your own good."

Hallie nibbled on her lower lip, trying not to focus on the twisting in her belly. She was certain it was nothing but nerves- an aftereffect of the strangeness of the last three days.

"What if something is wrong with my baby?"

"Then we deal with it. The lord doesn't always give us what we want, but we make due." Mama sighed. "After this, you're coming to work with me. I've already cleared it with Michael. I told him that you could make a mean apple pie using kitchen appliances and he told me that he'd believe it when he'd see it. Plus the kids love sweets."

"The kids?"

"My homeless kids. I work at a homeless shelter."

"Oh. Why are they homeless? I don't think I've ever seen a homeless person before."

"They're like me."

"Hallie Graves?"

For the sake of hiding, it had been decided that until it could no longer be avoided, Hallie wouldn't use her legal last name as it was feared that Ezekiel could use that as means to track her.

"As part of your first visit, we're going to do an ultrasound. Just to get an idea what's going on. Especially since you think you're fairly far along." The nurse practitioner wheeled a machine over to them. "Do you want to know what you're having?"

Hallie looked over to Mama. It hadn't come up in conversation. Should she find out?

"It's up to you, Toots." Mama looked around. "I'd like to think you need some good news in the crazy world that you've been in. Besides, I'd like to know if we have Lady Bean or Sir Bean."

"Yes."

The nurse took a bottle from the side of the machine as she eased Hallie's t-shirt up.

"This is going to be cold. Just prepare yourself." She squirted a gel on Hallie's stomach. Then, she picked up a wand and began to run it over the gel. "I may have to press harder in some spots- just let me know if it gets too uncomfortable."

Hallie tuned out as the nurse spoke. She didn't care about femur length, or whether or not her baby looked like a skeleton. She wanted to know that she had a healthy baby. She'd been through a tremendous amount of stress.

Anything could have happened to her baby.

For the fact, how could she know if God had punished her for leaving Zee? She had always been taught that her God was a vengeful one, especially when a woman defied the laws of patriarchy.

She didn't really understand what they meant by the laws of patriarchy but she figured leaving her husband while he was at a 4H conference probably did that.

"Did you hear that, Kid?" Mama lightly nudged her with his elbow.

"Oh I'm sorry. I was dreaming." Hallie shook her head, as if willing her fog to vanish.

"I said," The nurse repeated sharply. "It would appear that you have a perfectly healthy baby girl in there."

"A baby girl?" Hallie felt that weird nudge in her middle again.

"Yep. You have a daughter. And one who's kicking away." The nurse gently traced the outline of the leg that kept moving in a series of frenzied movements.

Hallie then realized the nudging she had been feeling wasn't just her nerves.

It had been the fluttering of her unborn daughter.

XXXXX

"So, since we know it's a girl, we should name her something fierce like Blaise."

Mama hadn't stopped rambling since they had left the clinic. Hallie wasn't sure who was more excited at the news of the baby.

"There is no we in this." Hallie was soft but firm. "And even if there was, I wouldn't name her Blaise."

"Spoil my fun." Mama rolled his eyes.

"To be honest with you, I'm not even sure if I want to keep her." It was a secret thought that Hallie had been keeping in the back of her head.

It wasn't that she didn't love her baby. That was far from it actually. Her baby gave her reason for breath but she also knew that life was difficult for a single mother, especially one with a GED and no idea what she was doing in the world.

"We'll discuss that later." Mama eased his jeep into a parking spot. "Welcome to my home away from home." He gestured towards a weathered gray brick building. The big sign in front loudly proclaimed that it was home to a combination Youth center and thrift store.

"This is a home for homosexuals?" The word felt foreign on Hallie's tongue.

"No, that's in another part of the city. This is a drop-in center for at-risk youth. They can come to use for help." Mama nibbled on his lower lip. "Also, not to be offensive but the word is not homosexual. It's gay. Michael will skewer you if he hears that word. He's not a big fan of homosexual- bad history."

"Who's Michael?" Hallie wrenched her door open. "Do they sell maternity clothes? Everything seems tighter all of a sudden."

"That's because I'm actually feeding you, and yes. I believe our manager, Lottie has a maternity section. Oh and to answer your question, Michael Southcreek is the executive director but he's about as eccentric as they come."

"Eccentric?"

"Think like me. Big cranky drag queen."

"Oh. What if he doesn't like me?" Hallie looked down at her flowered skirt and t-shirt.

"He'll love you."

Mama grabbed Hallie by the hand and pulled her into the building.

"Michael!" he called, catching sight of a man with a long black ponytail. "Come here."

"I've told you Calvin- you have to watch how you speak to me. It gives people bad ideas." The man turned on his heel. "Is this her?"

"Her?" Hallie tried to supress her anger. She'd always been in a place where women had been treated as if they were less than. "I have a name."

"Calm down, Hallie. I simply have told Michael a lot about you. Yes, this is Hallie- the girl I met outside the club. We just found out she's having a girl."

"A girl?" Michael looked her over. A huge smile spread across his face. "Congratulations. My partner and I are trying to adopt so I'm absolutely thrilled for anything and everything involving babies."

"Thank you, and I apologize for being rude." Hallie stared down humbly. "This place is so bright and happy."

"We do that for a reason. Our youth are homeless but that doesn't mean that they have to be sad and lonely." Michael sighed knowingly. "Go in. Get to know our youth and you may be surprised."

Hallie walked through the door. Immediately her eyes were drawn to a young man sitting in the corner. He had long hair that was such a dark shade of blue that it looked almost black. He was humming to himself, immersed in a world of his own.

Chapter 7

"That's James, a beautiful soul but lost in a world of his own." Mama tapped the side of his head.

Hallie wasn't sure exactly what that meant but she knew it couldn't be a good thing. Maybe he was mentally ill? Brother Carmody had a son who had disappeared because he kept seeing things that weren't there.

Could that be it?

"Don't be afraid," a dark skinned woman holding a yorkie perkily chirped. "They love visitors."

"I've never seen a dog that small." Hallie nervously held out a trembling hand. The woman shrugged, plunking the dog in her arms.

"I'm Becca and this is Olaf- he's my baby." She grinned widely- the dog settling into the crook of Hallie's arm.

The one thing that struck Hallie was how happy everyone was. Some people were painting pictures. Other people were working on computers, asking questions about jobs and how to find them. The stranger thing is that they didn't look disturbed at the visitor.

Hallie settled next to the blue haired young man. He looked up as she sat. He glanced at her, his eyes stopping at her middle.

"Have you picked a name?" James asked.

"Not yet. I literally just found out that I was expecting a girl."

"A name should be something," a young woman said. "My mother named me Marion. Can you imagine what hell I went through in school with a name like Marion? That's why I called myself Princess."

"We all have things about ourselves that we don't like. For Gods Sake, my mother named me Calvin." Mama shook his head. "There's a reason I hate my name."

"Enough, Calvin." Michael glared.

"Does she kick?" James asked, softly enough that Hallie was the only one to hear the question.

"Well, to be honest, she just got strong enough that I can feel her kick." Against her better judgment, Hallie picked up James' free hand. "Not even Calvin has gotten to do this yet." She pressed his hand into one particular spot on her belly. "Feel that?"

"Is that her?"

"I think she's mad that I only had orange juice and a bagel for breakfast." Hallie shrugged.

James dug into his pocket and handed her a crumpled granola bar.

"I wish I had more but this is all I have."

"Now, James, that is very nice but don't worry- I'm taking Hallie to lunch."

A letter from Josiah

Dear Sister,

I wish calling you were an option. Unfortunately, I think Zee is trailing me. He's desperate to get you back. I can understand why but that doesn't make me feel any better.

You are officially a missing person. We will eventually have to tell them the truth. This is inevitable. I just want you to bring your child safely into the world before that happens.

In other news, Meredith gave birth on Saturday night. She had twin girls, Charlotte Elizabeth and Democracy "Demi" Ann. It is a tradition in Ed's family that the second born daughter be Patriotic. I suggested Betsy but Meri didn't want to hear of it. Her baby was going to be Democracy.

That poor child!

In that same regard, Amos Zebulon was born late last night. He is 9 lbs, 10 oz and we couldn't be prouder. We named him after our fathers and are calling him Zeb. The girls are in love. I am in love. Tiffany is doing fine.

Much love,

Josiah

Chapter 8

"Don't panic," a familiar voice called, breaking the silence of the apartment. Half asleep, Hallie stood and struggled into a pair of oversize basketball shorts and a t-shirt. She hadn't really worn pants before but the bigger that she got, the more that she found it to be a necessity.

"Did Calvin call you?" Hallie only called Mama Calvin when she was truly annoyed. She was a grown woman. She didn't need a sitter just because she wasn't feeling like going out.

"He asked me to check on you if I felt so inclined." Michael stood in the doorway to the room. "I was just going to call but decided it made more sense to stop by and see if you wanted to go get some dinner."

"I don't really have money." Hallie wasn't sure that she was ready to be totally alone with Michael yet. There was a look hidden in the back of his kindly blue eyes that startled her.

"My treat. Wes, my partner is out of town and I need to eat and hate to be alone." Michael sat on the foot of the bed and gently scratched Gnocchi on the ears. "Please."

"If you insist." Hallie shoved her feet into a pair of black rubber flip-flops. "I'm sorry, Mr. Southcreek. I've been nothing but rude. My daughter is playing kickball with my sciatic nerve." She gently rubbed her lower back, hoping for the pain to ease. "I'm also not very comfortable with most men yet."

"Do you remember what I do for a living?" Michael smirked. "I deal with moody teenagers and crankier staff, such as Calvin all day. I can deal with one cranky pregnant girl."

Michael insisted that they walk. This had been the nicest September day that he had ever seen. The humidity had broken and a slight breeze was blowing, a sign of an incoming storm.

"It might rain later but we can enjoy the weather for now." Michael sighed. "We're going to my favorite restaurant- it serves this amazing dim-sum."

Hallie nodded, pretending to understand. What was dim-sum?

"Don't worry. I'll order for you. Are you allergic to anything?" Michael seemed to read her mind. "Unless you would rather get a burger?"

"The little one doesn't like beef. Calvin made the mistake of feeding me pasta with meat sauce and didn't tell me it was beef. I've always been on a beef ranch but this time, it didn't work. Calvin called me Linda Blair?" Hallie was unfamiliar with the reference but Mama had told her that it meant she was throwing up a lot and violently.

"No beef. No shrimp. We can do pork and chicken and vegetables." Michael's gaze drifted to her stomach. When he noticed Hallie staring at his gaze, he averted his eyes.

Hallie winced, the muscles in her lower back aching. She had to slow down. Keeping Michael's pace was creating more trouble than she ever could have thought possible.

"I need to stop." Her gaze fell on a bench. "Just for a few minutes." She slowly eased herself into a sitting position. "I'm sorry, Mr. Southcreek. The little one has been especially active and causing my back to ache terribly."

Michael sat next to her.

"May I try something?" He held up his hands, seemingly asking for permission to touch her.

Hallie warily nodded.

"I'm the oldest child- 3 boys and 2 girls. My sister has five children and a long distance trucker for a husband. When she was pregnant with her third child, Carmen dragged me to a prenatal massage class. She was afraid that people would gossip if she was alone. Never mind the fact that her brother was clearly gay and no one would think I was Daddy in a million years."

"Say no more." Hallie shifted so her back faced his front. "Work your magic."

Hallie knew that she should feel strange about Michael touching her. Papa had always warned her that men only touched women when they wanted to be impure. Touching was saved for marriage.

For some reason, she didn't feel strange. Michael's deliberate touches seemed to ease the tension in her back. As he focused on one troublesome spot, Hallie felt the baby shift positions.

"I don't know what you did but I think you just got her to move off my sciatic nerve." Hallie rubbed her belly in circles. "She's so squirmy." Acting quickly, she grabbed Michael by the wrist and placed his palm down on the center of her belly.

"Is that her?" Michael's eyes grew large as the baby jabbed him right in the palm. "I didn't think she was that strong at this age- you're what...5 and a half months along?"

"26 weeks. So just over six months." Hallie closed her eyes, wondering how much to say. "This isn't what I would have wanted but I know that the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle. Apparently, he wanted to bring a baby girl into my world." Tears welled up in her eyes as Hallie tried to blink them away. "I'm not even sure if...never mind."

"Have you thought of any names?"

Hallie could tell that Michael wanted her to finish her sentence but he wasn't going to push.

"Calvin's been calling her Blaine or Babs. Babs Johnson sounds more like a woman that my mama went to church with." Hallie shuddered. "Her name was actually Barbara Ray but we called her Miss Barbie. Miss Barbie had the biggest hair that you could ever imagine."

"You are not torturing that child with a name like Babs." Michael shivered.

"Mama always let her babies pick their names. She would come up with a list of names and say them out loud. She swore that the baby would kick when they recognized 'their' name. I didn't believe her until it came time to name Josie- the third youngest. Papa wanted to name her Delilah after some relative of his. No matter how much he said it, that stubborn child wouldn't move. I was telling Mama about a story I read where the main character was named Josie. She told me to stop and say the name again. I did and then, she got the biggest grin. She grabbed my hand, put it on her belly and then looked at me. 'Call her by name.' I didn't know what she was talking about until I said 'Hi, Josie.' and she kicked. That was the first time that Mama ever let me feel any of her babies move."

Hallie had never told this story to anyone before and yet, she was telling it to a virtual stranger. Why?

"Let me guess- she doesn't respond to Babs, Blaine or any of the strange names that Calvin comes up with?" Michael laughed, his eyes sparkling in the afternoon night.

"Nope and he's tried some real weird ones." Hallie huffed and puffed as she struggled to push herself to a standing position. She shook her head at Michael's offer of assistance. "If I don't do it myself and get stuck when alone, I'll be in trouble."

"Let's take a rain check on Dim Sum," Michael said, nodding in the direction of a small restaurant that served soup and sandwiches.

"Am I that bad for company?" Hallie teased.

"No but a little bird told me that you've been craving tomato soup and grilled cheese all the time." Michael held up his cellphone. "I was just texting Calvin who said that he would hurt me if I gave you Chinese. It makes you gassy and freaks out the dog?"

"You toot one time by the dog's head and he starts yelping and pouncing on his owner's air mattress." Hallie chuckled, the memory still vivid in her head. "I can do grilled cheese and tomato soup- it's one of the few meals that we both agree on."

They dined on a light dinner of grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. As they ate, Michael told her stories about his life with Wes, Calvin and the youth. Hallie told him about growing up on a farm and her experiences in the big city.

"You remind me of my mother, Nessa."

At the mention of his mother's name, Hallie was surprised to feel someone poking her from deep within.

"Hello, Rachel." Hallie held up a finger to silence Michael. Nothing happened. "Susan, is that you?" Still nothing. "Vivian, be nice to Mommy."

"Have you lost your mind?" Michael held his cellphone as if he was about to call Calvin.

"No, I'm not crazy." Hallie rubbed a circle around her belly with the palm of her hand. "I just noticed something." She pushed herself back from the table. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Depends." Michael still seemed confused by what was going on.

"Put your mouth close to my belly and call her names. Mix it up with your mother's name."

Michael's eyes grew wide with realization but did as he was asked.

She couldn't hear what Michael was saying. All she could feel was his hot breath on her skin.

Then, she felt it.

Once, twice, three times.

"You said her name three times." Hallie drew her hand to cover her open mouth. "Well, hello, Nessa."

Michael nodded.

"Hello, Nessa."

Chapter 9

"Ice cream?" Michael asked, holding the glass plated door in front of her. "I know that we're both watching our diets but..."

"You don't have to tell me twice." Hallie shuffled slowly. "Can I ask you a question?" She stopped at a bench and sat down.

"Are you okay?" Michael seemed concerned at her sudden stop. "Do I need to call...?"

"I'm fine, and no- don't call Calvin. He would kill me for asking this without talking to him first." Hallie closed her eyes, saying a silent prayer. "I don't know that I want to keep her."

Michael nodded.

Hallie had been developing a secret thought in the back of her head. She knew that she wasn't sure if she should keep the baby. Adoption had been something that she had been considering since it would give her child a chance at a real life- much better than anything she could provide.

What if she gave her to Michael and Wes?

"I don't know if I should ask this because I don't want to get your hopes up." Hallie kept talking, knowing that she was quickly losing her nerve. Her stomach twisted into knots. "I have not made any decisions yet but I would like to consider giving you Nessa."

"You would do that?" Michael's voice was barely audible.

"I'm not terribly sure. The Lord hasn't given me any signs in either direction. I know that I'm not in a great position to be a mother. I mean- I live with a stranger that I met on the street, who just so happened to know my dead uncle's widower who I STILL HAVEN'T MET."

Michael nodded.

"No pressure. You do what you need to, Sweet Girl. I will talk to Wes but I can confidently say that we would be honored to parent Sweet Nessa." Michael shook his head.

Hallie wasn't sure what it was about Michael that put her at ease. Her entire life had become so strange. If she hadn't been living it, she wouldn't have believed it.

"So, where is your mother now?" Michael asked, licking a vanilla cone. "Do you talk to her? I mean- does she know what happened?"

"My mother is with the Lord." Hallie said, staring at the busy street. "She didn't survive the birthing of her last child." She winced, trying to ignore the sudden memory. The metallic smell of blood stung her nostrils, just as it had the day that Mama passed. Somewhere, deep in her mind, she heard the midwife calling for more towels and an ambulance. She didn't want to have to explain why the pastor's wife had died.

"Oh, Hallie." Michael reached over, gripping her forearm. "I am so sorry to hear that." When she didn't pull away from his touch, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer.

"It is not our place to question The Lord's Will." Hallie parroted the familiar phrase she heard time and time again. "I just do not wish to suffer the same fate." The words felt sharp and strange on her tongue.

"Hallie, you'll be in a hospital." Michael shook his head. "I promise you- you will be fine."

Hallie wanted desperately to believe that. Mama hadn't had access to medical care. By the time the midwife realized something bad happened, it was too late to call the ambulance. Being in a hospital would have helped Mama.

Being in a hospital would prevent Hallie from suffering the same fate.