Poems

If silence had a scent

If silence had a scent

it would smell like dust

built up over time-

not the dust

in a kind old grandmothers home

but the dust

that rolls in

at the end of a battle

If silence had a scent

it would be

sharp-

but you don’t quite know

where you have smelled it before

Or why it is familiar

if silence had a scent

It would be an odd mix

of different things

of dust and dirt

of new beginnings

and of old memories

If silnce had a scent

It would be my amortentia

It would be that of a freshly opened book

A newly painted canvas

which demands distance to appreciate

If silence had a scent

It would be coffee

and a cool breeze

The fragile fragments

before a day of chaos

And disaster

If silence had a scent

I would bottle it up

and keep it all for myself

A drug to fuel my daydreams

If Silence had a scent

It would be salty tears

Whimsical wishing

and fears of the unknown

If silence had a scent

It would be hard to trace

Like a thief on the run

Yet utterly remarkable

It would be impossible

to live without

It would fill the silence

with its painful sound

A flame

Ignite the ashes,

let them burn unto flames.

Watch the fire creep

into the world,

Like a blush

unto ashamed cheeks.

A flame fast spreading

An inextinguishable fire.

Eraticly covering

The land

consuming all in its path.

A flame unto the trees,

Exploding into meniacial destruction

An end fast approaching

A flame

Thats the life

Lying on the hard floor,

Head all full of nothing,

Sick to my stomach-

Thoughts keep on running.

Tell myself its fake,

So maybe it will go away,

Till it grips so tight,

I burst.

Showers and boiling hot baths

To drown out the deafening pain

Medicine I rarely take

Cause I an scared of the risks it makes

Write to cope,

Heat to cope,

Cry to cope,

Yet still can’t cope.

It goes uphill,

Till it dosent.

Then I go off the rails,

And cant keep to the trails.

I am scared of my own body,

Terrified of what is to come,

Petrified of the future,

Worried about my own existence.

Everything makes it worse.

I cant eat without pain.

I cant think without pain.

I cant sleep without pain.

My body aches for relief.

That I cannot provide.

I have tried and tried

But no miracle seems so bothered.

The pain.

The late nights.

The enedless suffering.

This is the life of a Potsie.

How to be alone

It feels like everones talking about me

isolating me

shutting me out

It feels like no one cares

Leaves me to die

to fend for my own

It feels like people turn a blind eye

scoff in my face

spit at my feet

It feels like no one wants to be my friend

like no one wants to listen

or have fun anymore

Hey but at least now

I know

How to be alone

I know how to sit in silence

I know how to make friends with the dark

I know the feeling of an empty heart

I know how to be alone

Its a skill I have developed

One I wish not to have, but one i cannot get rid of

I am alone

And thats ok

But it makes everything seem rather gray

I want a friend

A comrade

A companion

But i am better off

Being friends with my mind

Because i know how to be alone

Heartbreak

I ask you when will you love me

When will you care

You say you dont know my dear

I ask for an hour a day

When will things change

You say you don’t know my dear

You say you dont know my dear

When will things change

I ask for an hour a day

You say you don’t know my dear

When will you care

I ask when will you love me

And you don’t seem aware

Vast Expanse of Blue

I always liked the ocean

Didnt see the reason

to run and hide

as if to be sentenced to treason

I liked the way the waves crashes

Sounding like a firm high five

I liked the water splashing around my feet

Swarming like a bee hive

I always liked the ocean

the gentle salty mist

The tickles on my toes

and the unrelenting bliss

I didn’t see why it was bashed

I always liked the ocean

the peace and quiet

yet it was all but silent

I always liked the ocean

But no one else seems to feel the same

The ocean like an emotional train

I like the ocean and so should you

There is nothing to be afraid of

In this Vast expanse of blue

This sweater

This sweater

Worn and torn

And ugly as can be

I wear it everyday

To keep myself afloat

This sweater

a last gift from you

before your journey began

Woven of the itchiest fabric

known to man

This sweater

Of colors so bright

They could light up the sky

like your eyes

On a cold winters night

This sweater

a constant reminder

of how much i love you

The person you are

and who to become

This sweater

The ugliest thing i ever have seen

keeps me warm in spirt and skin

A reminder of my kin

Abd to keep pushing on

Victory

If Victory had a taste

It woulf be oranges

Bright and cheery

Sweet with a taste of bitterness

Refreshing and familiar

not rare but cherished

loved by some

hated by many

If victory had a taste it woulf be oranges

Layers of flavor

Complex yet understandable

The ability to learn and grow from it

In Different shapes snd sizes

So many forms

If victory had a tatse

it would be oranges

The silence of decay

Flesh melting off bones

Lights flicker and burst

Body shutting down

No one there to know

Plants withering

Dead eyes stare on

No more music

No more souls to hear it

Lifeless bodies

Hearts barely beating

Everything falling apart

What’s the point anymore

Final heart beat

Dirt absorbs your mistakes

No more breathing

Just the silence of decay

But no one else can hear it

The voice twists through my ears

it tells me I am not good enough

But no one else can hear it

It says everything is my fault

and is squeezes my brain tight

But no one else can feel it

It says Everyone hates me

And it lives behind my eyes

bug no one else can haar ut

It says I am gonna die

And it makes me cry

But no one else can hear it

It tells me I am ugly

Screams it really

How can you not hear it?

Love

Love is such a word

it shows utmost emotion

It is a stretch for the human mind

to comprehend

Love is much a feeling

of warmth and safety

of someones afrms stretching around you

in an embrace

Love is that of flowers

That stretch across feilds

Kissing the groud

Holding the skies tears

Love is around us

In everything we see

Stretching throughout the galaxy

Love is quite beautiful

Don’t you think?

Talking to the Devil

Talking with the devil

But he doesn’t care that much

He likes to see my face

Its like his midday brunch

so im talking to the devil

Talking with the devil

cause he asked will you please

he begged me on his knees

so im talking to the devil

talking to the devil

so he grants me all my wishes

i chose him from all the fishes

so im talking to the devil

Talking to the Devil

So i can get my way

then go about my day

so im talking to the devil

Talking to the devil

Cause he loves me so

he doesn’t know it though

so im talking to the devil

Talking to the devil

ask him if he loves me

Says maybe so i listen

so im talking to the devil

Talking to the devil

ask him if he would oblige

he’d do anything for his bride

so im talking to the devil

Talking to the devil

Wonder does he do

Hes says he does so i do too

so im talking to the devil

Talking to the devil

Asked for way to much

But he loves me just as such

so im talking to the devil

Talking to the devil

but it didnt end as planned

and my dreams got slammed

so im not talking to the devil

Talking to the devil

want him to want me back

they tell me no

but im talking to the devil

Talking to the devil

cause he is like my drug

and i am his little bug

so i am talking to the devil

OCD

Everywhere I go

It echoes through the walls

Haunting lyrics

to a silly little song

A nursery ryhme

Almost a crime

Hurting my brain

Contorting my soul

Rock-a-bye baby

In the treetop

The pictures fill my head

Thoughts I wish not to think

I beg my brain to shut up

To leave me alone

When the wind blows

The cradle will rock

Thinking full lyrics

it only leads to peril

A full song

is a wish

that hopes to come true

When the bough breaks

The cradle will fall

I swear I can hear creaking

And groaning

and moaning

Sounds I wish not to hear

Intrusive thoughts

That fill my brain

And evil melody

of pain

And down will come baby

cradle and all

I hear a faint scream

A cry a yelp

I yearn to help

But the song wont stop playing

It plays until its all i know

Until no one is safe around me

The intrusion of it

The whole ordeal

Is haunting me

Baby is drowsing

Cosy and fair

The words wont stop

They never leave me alone

No medicine or help

will do

I dont want to hurt you

I am only hurting myself by

keeping it locked up inside

But i dont feel safe

Mother sits near

In her rocking chair

No one can love me

in a state like this

I feel so alone

without any bliss

Alone with my thoughts

all day and all night

Becoming worse every second

I cant put up a fight

Forward and back

The cradle she swings

I feel isolated from the world

My brain a poison

to all who come near

Killing me slowly

It gets colder

the thoughts keep coming

I want them to go away

Please just go away

And though the baby sleeps

He hears what she sings

A close to the thoughts

you think comes at night

But never do they cease

And continue to fright

Go away from me

You think I am awful

The thoughts tell me so

They tell me everything I need to know

Was once

Darkness was once light

Day was once night

Dim was once bright

Life was once death

the opposite one in the same

Death was once life too

Enemies were once friends

Strangers were once lovers

You were once my everything

Adults were once kids

Memories were once alive

Love was once easy

Time falls too fast

Moves quickening

in a sickening manner

Once was once was once

Everything is a never ending circle

That we don’t realize we are trapped inside

Lonely Together

The feeling grips at my chest,

Pulls on my heart,

Compresses my lungs,

Evelops me whole.

My mind body and soul,

a void of all emotion,

but sadness,

and loneliness .

The silence is so loud,

It hurts my head,

It leaves to much to the imagination .

I need a quiet silence.

One friend among all.

They say fish in the sea,

But not to me,

For I am one, in a lone tank.

I sit alone,

Reading a book,

Scrollinh a feed,

Listen to me scream.

I need a lover

Or a fighter.

I need a friend

Or a survivor.

Feel my heart beat,

Listen to my lungs breathe,

Watch my eyes blink,

We are human you and me.

I am one in the same,

Different though I may be.

Just a quirk,

Unfixable but lovable.

I cry with lights out,

Write until my hands bleed,

Shower with lava,

and stay up till 2.

I need a friend,

me and you?

But no there are others,

You would choose first

I never come second,

or even third.

Its the worst,

I am a last priority.

I get texts on my birthday,

from people who never reach out,

People who used to love me,

But now our friendship is a drought.

I wish to explore,

and immerse.

I wish to have so much joy,

I could burst!

But I sit alone,

Bored at home.

A lonely poet,

Don’t you know it?

But if you were my friend,

Would you leave me in the silence,

Or would you join me,

So we could be lonely together?

Crying over birthday cake

Crying over brithday cake,

sitting to my front.

One flickering candle.

Icing full of rot.

Number 14,

seven times two two times seven,

Two lonely numbers,

Does that mean I am alone?

Tears stream down my face,

Rivers a salty flow.

While the candle flame

shifts too and fro.

No party for me.

Lonely and boring:

describes me too a tee.

Friendless and lifeless as can be.

Just lunch,

some presents,

Maybe a song,

But I knew all along.

I planned it this way,

So why should I be sad?

Family is better than a party.

So I guess I should be glad.

Turning 14,

much older than before!

Seems so small,

which hurts all the more.

13 is gone,

a new year is born,

This year will be better,

I have sworn.

Crying over birthday cake,

This year we will see,

Will it be better?

Happy birthday to me.

Believers Monster

Their imagination runnin wild,

Their Heart beats like a drum,

Thinkin answers,

no one else could.

Thinking bout’ adventure,

Something extraordinary ,

and new.

Dreamin wishin thinkin,

of something, someone,

beautiful.

Rainbows and animals,

flowers of glory.

But cries of the needy,

and helpless.

End never comes,

Peace never comes,

Always suffering.

Its a believers monster.

Funny how their happy

when they fight war in their brains.

Reading of kings and queens,

their splendid escapades ,

but their deaths,

and crimes,

one in the same.

Funny how they laugh

when they feel so trapped.

See the world behind their eyes,

and youll never go back.

Funny how they smile,

with tears in their eyes.

Dreaming of love at first sight,

kissing at midnight,

while seeing heartache,

‘n pain ‘n sorrow.

Funny how they love,

when they feel suffocated,

by their own lungs.

Playing out a story,

of success and achievement,

feelin the failure,

and disappointment,

instead.

Funny how they seem ok,

when they are stuck,

in their heads.

nothing to call it but one,

Its a belivers monster

Poison Desire

Poison desire,

Sofly,

Slowly,

Dying.

A brilliant broken flower.

Breathing wants.

Bledding needs.

An angel sighs at your greed.

A hug,

an eternal embrace.

Whispering words of wisdom,

like liquid fire on my lips.

An ocean of tears,

as you beg for forgiveness.

Your pleads a rythmic prayer.

You have been stripped of your identity,

Your are nothing but a naked soul,

in a broken body.

Day by day,

you crumble to dust,

devoured by life,

and your mistakes.

Surronded by reminders,

of your past.

You cant smile,

you cant cry,

you can only be.

Still and fragile,

as a porcelain doll.

Sat in a glass doored cupboard,

Looking down upon others,

with a look of shame.

Decaying away,

enveloped in regret,

you kiss your life goodbye,

as you fade into the clouds,

The sky your sister.

I still feel you in the breeze,

or in a gentle brush,

I still linger near your place,

longer than i should.

But i know you were a prisoner,

here on earth.

Though my heart throbs for you,

I will let you be,

A star in the universe.

Good luck,

my always and forever.

Monster in the mirror

You made me hate myself ,

Told me I was ugly,

Said I was annoying.

Your uttered words,

Leaving holes in my heart.

You spit daggers.

Shoved hate down my throat.

You tied me up in fear.

Made me question my will to live.

You made me hate my acne,

You made me hate my scars,

You made me hate my body,

You made me hate my heart,

You made me hate everything i had ever known.

So now I look in the mirror and I see a monster..

I see pictures and belive I am utterly repulsive

I see you and I shake,

I see you and I want to scream,

I see you and I want to cry.

Do you feel that?

Feel the walls closing in?

Do you feel that?

Feel my world falling apart?

Now when I hear my own voice I want to gag.

Now when I read my writing I am disappointed.

Now when I look at myself I feel ashamed .

You pushed me down a never ending hole,

And now I cant get out.

Do you hear that?

Hear my voice start to crack?

Do you hear that?

Hear my pained screams?

Now when I look deep inside to inspect my soul,

I see a peice of trash,

Kicked to the curb.

Now when I look at my face,

I wish for it to change.

I used to think I was pretty,

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You wanted me to die,

And I agreed for a time.

Was it just a thought?

Yes.

Was it painful and awful to think?

Yes.

Do you see that?

See the girl who hates herself?

Do you see that?

See the girl who cries?

You pushed me to the ground,

And I havent gotten up.

You are the monster in my life,

You are the demon in my path,

I hate you,

And I am not afraid to say it.

You created the monster in the mirror

Not me.

You hurt me. Caused deep scars.

Just leave me alone.

You can run and you can hide,

Because I have no will to find you,

Because you are the dirt on my shoes,

You are a paper straw,

Useless and flismy.

So leave,

and never return,

Dont hurt anyone else,

Nonone deserves this,

Not me,

Not you,

Not anyone,

Not anymore.

Do you hear me?

Go the fuck away.

Picked Last

Wait

Wait

Wait

Wait

Wait

Stop

What happened?

What’s happening?

Where are you going?

Are you mad at me?

No one cares anymore

But its ok

What does it matter anyway

I’ve learned to pretend

To love myself

To mask and to hide

What’s really inside

Why don’t you love me?

Do I even care?

Maybe one day

You will choose me

Before I am last

Don’t

Cry

Cry

Cry

Cry

Cry

Hide

Hide

Hide

Hide

The feelings inside

Its alright

You don’t care anyway

Right?

Mirror

Is it a two sided mirror

Or my two sided mind

Are there more of me out there

Or am I one of a kind

Is my reflection watching me?

I’ll hide just in case

Because I know in my eyes

I am a disgrace

Does the mirror hear my words

My screams and cries

To fix my flaws

And tell me anything but lies

Do I see who I am

Who I was, or who I want to be?

Is it all or none?

Doe the mirror know what I need?

Am I fooling myself?

Is it just a peice of flimsy glass

Or did I see it wave

As I walked past

I forgot how to laugh

I am forgot what it was like

To laugh

I know Its silly

But its true

There was a time I forgot how to laugh

I had no clue

But when I tried

I couldn’t muster a chuckle

A giggle or a huff

All that came out

Was a strained sort of puff

I forgot how to laugh

One time in the past

I didn’t know what laugh was my last

Because I forgot how to laugh

I forgot how to laugh

Because the world crumbled down

To the ground

And I couldn’t pick up the peices alone

So I didn’t laugh

Because Laughing

Always ended in tears

And I couldn’t be vulnerable with my peers

I forgot how to laugh

Though i know how now

I forgot them

Its not an accomplishment worth a bow

I forgot how to laugh

because things were hard

Because things changed

And because my life was in shards

But its ok now

Because I remembered how to laugh

And how to smile

And how to cry

I know how to laugh now

And it won’t be just for a little while

Compulsion

Its an itch

Its so hard to resist

I have to do it

Bounce

Bounce

Bounce

I bounce my leg

To relieve the dread

But it doesn’t really work,

Does it?

I often feel in the wrong

Or as if someone is mad

Are they really mad?

Or is it a trick my mind plays?

Either way I say sorry

I say sorry too much

sorry

sorry

sorry

But people roll their eyes

I can’t stop saying sorry

I promise i am trying

Bug dammit its hard

I dont know if its odd

To constantly worry about others

To anazlyse a twitch

Every movement

Every word

Every sound

Every look

It seems like It has to mean something

are

You

OK?

I ask it every day

All the time

I think people would benefit if i stopped

But I can’t

I don’t know why

Nothing bad would happen

But I can’t stop

Pick

pick

Pick

See that blemish?

That imperfection there?

I pick my face till i bleed

The zits come back

I know it makes it worse

But I have to do it.

I can’t change a thing

Same every time

The questions I ask

The things I say

And the things I do

You aren’t mad at me,

Are you?

Songs

Do you feel the songs in your bones?

Dancing theough the structure

Making it their own

But i will glady let them do so

Do you feel the songs pulsating through your body?

Making your heart beat faster

And your cheat to pump.

Vibrating your soul

Like a bomb under the shore

Making you iys prisoner

Though you will gladly indure

Do you feel the songs running through your veins?

Bursting your vessels

As if your its own personal domain

Replacing the red

With lyrics in black and blue

Hoping that you

Will not undo.

Do you feel the songs bursting through your skin?

Itching to break through

Crawling theough your flesh

Every word increasing their desire for escape

Not that you object

Because you need the songs on repeat in your brain

And it can’t be an ending tape.

Do you feel the songs burning through your mind?

Setting your brain on fire

Fueled by lyrics and defiance

Consuming your thoughts

With their well planned melody

Though they are not your enemy.

Do you feel the music

In every way it can be felt?

Music deserves not only to be listened to

But felt in every fiber of being

Listen close next time

As your songs fill your walls.

Maybe the beat with mean something more

Than merely your favorite song.

I did it

I came out today

Nothing big

Nothing strange

Just me and my family

Humor

Setting the stage

I feel so much lighter

A feather born to the wind

Like an unfinsihed message when i finally hit send

It was easier than I thought

Though I fretted all day

As i planned out just what to say

It was simple really

Metaphors and simlies

Commas and apostrophes

My eyliner smudged

As I wiped my tears

That washed away my fears

They did as I hoped

Said they loved me

No matter what

No ifs and of buts

So much love

And words of affection

They hugged me tight

Told me it was alright

I’m still me, but not as tight

Beautiful and Broken

Have I ever actually _Belonged_?

What does it mean anyway?

I am different than everyone else,

I have always known that,

But this…..

This is new.

I know its no big deal

Who I love

Or who I don’t

But i bottle it up inside

Wondering if i would still _Belong_.

I know some places I _belong_

And I know i can _belong_ anywhere

That i can make my home

But _belonging_ in a physical sense

Is much different than this

I _belong_ in daydreams

And a warm cup of tea

The steam that rises off of a bath

And sighs of relief

I _belong_ in a figurative sense

In everything beautiful

And Broken

I _belong_ in the cracked mirror

And the tired eyes of hope

In the late night thoughts

And tear soaked pillows

Because i _belong_ in everything

beautiful and broken

I _belong_ in my home

With my family

Because now they know the real me

So i don’t have to hide

Or be broken inside

And i know I_belong_

I _belong_ in my body

A safe haven

Though broken and bruised

It holds the hands that write these words

And houses the brain that thinks them

I _belong_ in everything beautiful and broken

The inbetween

The everything

I _belong_ where I see fit

I _belong_ in anything

Beautiful and broken

Broken and Confused

A frail body

Oggling at the world

Missing the warmth

Of the motherly womb

Scared of the new

Wishing to crawl back inside

Somewhere safe

Their home

Uttering a feeble sound

Unsure of how it came out

Longing for answers

Too questions they can’t yet ask

Wobbling legs

A limp shaking body

Wishing for relief

For everyone seems to be in awe

Its all feels so new

So sharp

Senses attacked

Stark contrast to their previous abode

Are we as humans

but glorified newborn animals

Forced into an environment

We do not long for?

Aren’t we both _broken_ and _confused_?

I’m fine

Now I eat less

My life is a mess

I’m under so much stress

I’m trying my best

But i never get rest

And I don’t feel very blessed

The voices inside

They eat me alive

Because good isn’t enough

And I can only hold so much

Before I explode

My soul implodes

All because I don’t know which roads

To go down

But I’m _fine_

I’m always _fine_

Thats a silly little saying of mine

A little white lie

That I say when I sigh

Because Its easier to be _Fine_

Than it is to be crying

Its easier to be _fine_

Than it is to be broken

And with only two words spoken

I hide the truth inside

The words of a thousand mouths

And all the thoughts that went south

It says in my head

Only to come out in bed

To haunt me with its rhymes

Because no I’m not _fine_

But how do I say that?

How can I let down the mask?

How can I not pretend,

If only for a moment,

And let people in

To see

The real me

The one who is not _Fine_

I don’t know the last time I felt normal

I am not sure

The last time

I felt

_Normal_

Matter of fact

what is

_normal_

anyway?

I am always in pain

Thoughts never stop

going through my brain

It never STOPS

My mind and my body

they ache

they creak

they scream for mercy

What is _normal_?

Is is calm?

Is it quiet?

Is it nice?

I really want to know

what _normal_ feels like

because i dont know

the last time i felt _normal_

Not since I was diagnosed

but no one understands

that i didnt cause it

No one gets

that sugar

wasnt the issue

and that i have a dead organ inside

I havent felt normal

not since My body decided to panic

And my sanity started to flee

Not since

I was tormented

By people my same age

That made me hate all people

One in the same

Not since I

Realized life isnt fair

And never will be

Not since my body

starting hating me

even though

I already hate myself

I dont know what _normal_ feels like

ever since normal

started to feel like

nothing at all

It was all becoming real

I am gonna be alone again

I voiced my fears but no one listened

I had been alone before

I knew the feeling

deep down

the dread of waking up in the morning

going another day by yourself

I knew i was becoming alone again

when they didnt pick up the phone

when they stopped texting back

When i became a distance memory

the feeling slowly creeped up on me

and sat on my shoulder for a while

I knew it was getting worse

When no one texted me anymore

When my best friend moved on

When all I felt was sorrow

Whenthat little feeling that sat on my shoulder

Had become one with my heart

I knew I was alone

When I cried all the time

When my only friend was my cousin

When I sat in the shower writing poetry

When I opted out of having a birthday party

because i didnt want it to get worse

I knew I was oh so alone

When people were to busy for me

When I was babysitting again

When I was scared to vent to my sole friend

in the fear she might leave me too

I knew it then

That it was all becoming real