20The barge

New life, new career

And a barge

20

1990

Artist:- Rick Astley

Song :- never gonna give you up

Artist:- whitesnake

Song :- is this love

Artist :-terrence Trent derby

Song:- wishing well

GOOD PARENTING

My first foray into the caring community started at the back end of nineteen eighty seven, I'm guessing it was late September, as I had not long arrived home from st tropez where I had been working since February, well I say we left from st tropez, but it was actually Benidorm as myself and a couple of the boys travelled to Benidorm from st tropez (by train I might add)

just to see what work if any, was going at the end of the summer season (we were not ready to go back home at the time) unfortunately as you might have read in previous ramblings things did not go to plan on that trip, and a hasty retreat home was necessary.

Well I hadn't been home five bloody minutes before mother dear decided I had to get a job to to earn ones keep, well you could blow me down with a feather, this wasn't like my mummy, all this time I thought I was her favourite child, and here she is within a fortnight of me arriving on British soil she was wanted her piece of flesh, well I say it was mother, but I'm guessing she was just the mouth piece for my step dad jimmy, ( not my favourite person on this planet) it may also have had something to do with the fact that I owe them the money they dished out to get three lost boys from London to Warrington,

As it turns out they already have a potential position marked out for me, I apparently just had to turn up sober at the interview, do a half decent job at answering the questions, and bobs your uncle, the job would be mine, so a deal was struck with my parents, that if I get this job they will forgo the loan, ( well that's great, I did not realise I had to pay the pissing money back, never had to in the past) anyway I agreed but I also stipulated that I would be leaving for pastures new not long after Christmas, back to south of France one thinks,

Finally all parties are in agreement, the deal is done and peace is resumed, now I just have to get past the interview.

THE INTERVIEW

Unfortunately the whole turning up sober for the interview may have gone somewhat awry,

Don't get me wrong, I did not go out drinking ahead of arriving for the interview, no I went out the evening before, which kinda turned into a late night session, with me eventually getting to bed, at day break, so with less than two hours of sleep before the interview, I'd say I was not in the best state to answer questions, but fortunately my boyish charm, cheeky smile, and drunken flirting got me through, Sally the thirty something interviewer, was smitten, and I knew it, so being still drunk, and not particularly interested in getting the post available, the gloves were off, and by the time we had finished (the interview that is) some hands on contact had livened up the interview and a date was set ( they don't do bloody interviews like that anymore I can tell you) so as you may have deduced I smashed the interview and interviewer, and would be sent a starting date by post, that is once our dalliance was concluded, yes sally was somewhat of a blackmailer, I had to sacrifice my mind body and soul to satisfy Sally's lust for a young male before the confirmation letter was posted, ( clever little thing) so within two weeks of that faithful night I started on a new path in life which stretched some thirty five plus years, (I did not see that coming)

NEWCHURCH

I walk alone down the obligatory dark long and winding road, from the village of Culcheth and head for the gates of Newchurch hospital, and when I say dark I mean fucking pitch black, I could have done with a white stick or a guide dog to get down this mile long road,

it was fucking treacherous, not a streetlight in sight, and with the thunder storm that appeared directly over head just as I turned onto this unfamiliar road, it would be safe to say that I was bricking it as I navigated my way slowly along this fucking nightmare for the best part of what felt like twenty four hours, but was actually only around fifteen minutes,

finally I arrive at the gates of what I can only describe as a Victorian prison, there was a twenty five foot wall with wrought iron gates dominating the space between the two sides of this wall which travels off to my left and right, and looks like it surrounds all of the array of buildings which lay within,

at six fifty am, I stand there dejected and soaked to the bone, just waiting there like a fucking fool in the middle of the road at the entrance of the gates of hell, I was expecting to be greeted by sally who had assured me that she would be waiting to walk me around the facilities, and introduce me to the charge nurse who I would be working under, she was nowhere to be found and I was obliged to enter the facility and find my own way to a place within these walls, and all I had was a name on a piece of paper, there was a moment I thought fuck it I don't need this shit, and I actually turned around to leave, and as I did this, lightning galloped across the skyline, illuminating the darkness, and the rain got even heavier, and just looking at the road ahead that I had just travelled up had me turning back on my heels and legging it to the nearest building,

now the nearest building was a lock down unit called caldron, and of course I had no idea of this until I entered the building, but I would never forget the sound of demons, violence and crying, nor the smell of vomit shit and bleach, and thank god I only made it to the reception area as the rest of the doors off of this reception area were barred and locked, with no way of getting any further in but also fortunately for me there was no way anyone is getting out either, I spot the buzzer on the right of the only door that was not barred, it was a wooden panelled type thing which threw open the instant I pressed the buzzer, and stood there in front of me was Danny de Vito (movie star of the 80s&90s) well it was certainly his doppelgänger, this guy was maybe five foot two, balding on top, but bushy hair on the sides he had black beadie eyes and wore a crumple black suit and tie, his look reminded me not of someone who had just come from a funeral, but of someone who dragged themselves from the coffin and left their own funeral, he quickly introduced himself as the superintendent of this establishment, he gave no name, and I did not ask and neither did I give my name, and as I had no idea what the fuck a superintendent was, or how superior he was to me, I just handed him the now soggy piece of paper I still held tightly in my hand, he took the paper gingerly between his fore finger and thumb, he glanced at it then looked me up and down with I'd say a scowl, but it just as easily could have been a smile, he nodded his head forward in the manner of an order that I should follow him, a couple of steps and I'm back outside,

surprisingly it had stopped raining, daylight had arrived and the sun was high in a clear blue sky, the superintendent pointed, my eyes followed his finger and they arrived at the first building, a very large semidetached Victorian style house at the head of many houses, that circled a large area arranged around an oval driveway, in the shape of a horseshoe, with these identical houses on both sides, like a little hamlet in the country side, I turned to thank the little man, but he had gone, the door was shut and my note lay at the base of the doorway dissolving in a poodle of water.

SALLY NO SHOW

I never saw sally the interviewer again, but I did see sally my superior occasionally, just in passing,

but she never really spoke to me, I figured she'd had her wicked way with me, gave me a job, and now we were quits, which was fair do's, I'll take that.

six months into my tenure I was getting itchy feet, and was ready to move back to the south of France,

don't get me wrong the wage was great, and I had started to get use to the income,

I was living at mothers and paid minimal rent, so I should have been happy to have joined the status quo,

the only problem I had was the actual job I was employed to do,

The place was more like a prison than a hospital,

looking from the out side, the place looked so idyllic, a paradise for people with learning disabilities, but once you peel back the layers and step inside, you can see the cancer that throbs away at its underbelly,

the accepted practices of the time for all staff were somewhat medieval for my young eyes, I found it difficult to stand in the communal bathroom with a razor in hand shaving the men one by one as they were shunted along by the white coats, (state enrolled nurses, or the Gestapo for short) it was just a fucking conveyor belt of naked men, and they were then pushed along to the next staff to be washed and to get their teeth scrubbed, well those who had teeth, most had all teeth removed as a convenience, to save on fucking dental care, would you believe, others had teeth removed to stop them biting, again all this would be achieved with the same toothbrush and face cloth, the next stage for these poor men would be to collect clothes from the wardrobe department which was situated right next to the padded cell, which seemed to be used on a regular basis, once dressed next for these men would be bed inspection, and of course there was not individual bedrooms, it was one long dormitory with twenty two beds and a bed side closet for all there personal items, may closets were empty as you can imagine, and once the white coats were happy with the condition of the dormitory all would be shunted to the dining room for breakfast, now breakfast came on a trolly from the main kitchens on site, as did all meals , there was no choice, whatever was put on your plate you ate or you would fucking starve until the next meal, so you can imagine pretty much everything was cleared from those plates as soon as it was placed in front of the men, it was not a pretty sight,

and of course this was also the time the drugs were dished out,and this job was the responsibility of the white coats,

the trolley would be stationed at the exit of the dining room and as the men were moved to the communal area they would take their medicine, whether they wanted it or not, and except for the chosen few who would have work details around the hospital, the men would sit around the wall of the communal area comatose, waiting for the next meal and bed,

and on a regular basis one or another would kick right off (acting out in todays language, to be fair the language changes every decade) and fights would erupt around the place, scary times, so not only were the men basically locked up twenty four seven, we the staff were initially locked up for the entire shift too,

now on the plus side to the job there was a hell of a lot of sexy hot nurses scattered around the place, and this was like a magnet to me, and this is what kept me there for as long as I did, but even this was starting to wane, and my feet began to ich, so a strategy was put together in my head, once I have secured a date with lovely Tina I would call time on my foray into health care. And there you have it France was beckoning for a second year in a row, but of course as you may or may not know this never materialised.

THE COMMUNITY BECKONS

A date with Tina was secured as we traveled on the back seat of the Warrington bound bus, it was one evening after a late shift together, we chatted and giggled like little school kids, until it was her stop to depart, but before the bus completely stopped she lay one on me, the best snog of my entire life so far, and the reaction in my pants was immediate,

Tina notice the bulge right of the bat, and left the bus giggling, I'm sure this was her intention,

and for the rest of my journey home I had my coat lay across my lap,

the next day I was on a morning shift, and while on the ward a new face was chatting to the charge nurse,

our charge nurse name of Derek was an older gentleman and a tweed jacket wearer, buttoned up shirt and tie, black trousers and the obligatory white coat opened, always opened, he was looking in my direction, and he then pointed to me and the lady he was chatting with also looked at me, I of course reddened in the face and tried to work out quickly in my head what I had fucked up, and then they started to approach me, my arse started to twitch and I pretended not to notice them, i turned on my heels to fuck off pretty dam sharpish, but I was stopped in my tracks by the deep baritones of Derek, and as I froze on the spot, beads of sweat appeared on my forehead, my legs turned to jelly and I ended up on the floor collapsing in a pool of my own sweat and piss, well maybe nothing so dramatic as that, but I did let out a little pee, I turned to greet the approaching two, and to my amazement they were smiling, Derek introduced me to Anna, a very attractive older woman, I'd give her at least ten years or so on me, so that would put her at thirty three to thirty five years old, she was dressed in a two piece business suit, dark blue with a crisp white blouse underneath the jacket which was buttoned up to an inch of its life, her skirt was above the knee, and as I looked her up and down I couldn't help but wonder if those were tights or stockings under that skirt,

Anna was a senior nurse who was recruiting young blood from the hospitals around the north west, to join a new project the health service was rolling out, it was called care in the community, and it had only been around for maybe three years or so, and was gathering momentum as the new kid on the block in care, and with that a younger staff group was being created who don't have any pre conception about care within the health services for adults with learning disabilities, now don't get me wrong when Anna laid out the ideas behind this new adventure I was very interested in the concept and keen to give it a go, and maybe see where it would take us,

but also I kinda fancied Anna and I was also keen to see where that could go, and so after an interview with the two other seniors and the director, I was recruited

I'll give this enterprise my full attention for a few weeks to see what the story is,

then I'll be fucking off to France for the summer season, and maybe there will be a position on my return,

But things don't always go the way you play them out in your mind do they,

and you have to wonder what would of become of yourself had you not taken that left turn, well that was what I did I took that left turn and excepted that new position and I never got back to France,

and I'm certain that what happened to me throughout my life was not the way it would have gone if I had turned the job down as planned,

but like pretty much every one on the planet I had to take what was on offer in life,

and like many I wouldn't change a thing, and one reason is because people in my life would not be there, and I couldn't have that for any amount of money,

WARRINGTON INTEGRATE

An induction of one week was all I got in the training department, and that only really consisted of shadowing a member of staff in one community house with three old dears living there,

I was mentored on how to use a vacuum cleaner, how to make a cup of tea, how to butter bread, all these meaningful household chores were vital to community care, for fuck sake I thought days are going to drag in these kind of establishments, and on some levels I was right,

but I would also see a different side to this job soon enough, anyway my first week went smoothly, and I was pronounced a fully operational community care worker.

It must of been a month or so into my tenure with Warrington integrate when the director came to see me, well I say he came to see me, he was just visiting all the community houses, as part of his remit, he was somewhat of a strange creature, and a robbing bastard to boot I believe,

but I would not hear about his under the table dealings until some years later, after I had left the service,

Geoffrey sat cross legged in a recliner in the lounge of the old dears home, while they sat at the table in the back room waiting until he had decided he'd seen enough, and had finished his tea and biscuits, Geoffrey was not only the director he took the prize for the biggest fucking arse hole you could ever meet, with all his airs and graces that he'd picked up from books and magazines he'd read while sat in his council house when he was a child, nowadays he walks around like he's upper class looking down on you through his steely grey eyes, he sports a goaty beard and a moustache that curls up at the end,

and he trots around in a tweed jacket waistcoat and cravat finished off with corduroy trousers, but you can sense what kind of man he is when you look at his shoes, the dirty bastard, they've never seen a lick of boot polish in their miserable history, you can even see the holes in the soles when he's sat there all crossed legged like a fucking lord, dribbling tea and wet biscuit down his scrawny weasel of a goaty,

Anyway this fucker was mainly here to speak to myself, "well young lad" he starts I've been keeping an eye on you sir, and I've been impressed by your work, so I've been thinking it's time to move you on for your development and help bring on some fellows from the hospital"

So basically what he is saying, is we are opening a new community house, and we need to staff it, so you're moving on, so less than six weeks in my new career and I have been moved already,

this would be the trend that would last the rest of my career in care, but before this new challenge, I was transferred to another community house to help out due to staff sickness, and within a week I had fell in love and was married within a year, and separated a year later, but did not get divorced of course until I was looking to get married again, some ten years later, and I had to go out and find my first wife to get divorced so I could get myself another wife, if you get my drift.

Anyway let's jump to nineteen ninety and I was three years into a career that I thought was going to be a stop gap back to France,

but of course with the marriage shenanigans and other obstacles, I never made it back and at twenty five, I had bought a house, my brother had moved in, and I had a girlfriend, casual of course, and a great group of mates had been formed,

and with the music scene exploding at that time, it was a time for the young,

UNUSUALLY REQUEST

I first became aware of a name that was circulating the community houses, connected to our dear slimy director Geoffrey, dodgy geoff was apparently his new moniker, and I was very curious to know why, and after a little bit of research among fellow staff members, who have had the pleasure of working alongside the dick in the past, I found that dodgy Geoff seemed to like doing dodgy deals which involved other peoples money which would help line his own pockets, and his latest venture included yours truly,

myself and a fellow staff member Alex were summoned to the office for a meeting with management, and the management consisted on this day of just dodgy Geoff and his side kick Steve, now Steve was just a mere care worker but had been mates with Geoff since they joined the health service back in the day together, they also had a hobby that brought them together, and said hobby was barging, I know! what the fuck is barging, that's exactly what I said to the two pricks, when I was asked would I like a lesson in barging,

I looked at Alex and he looked at me, he looked more terrified that I did, we both thought the worst, we made the assumption that it was some sort of kinky sexual act, like do you fancy doing a bit of doggin, or can we tie you to a tree and start barging you boys with our erect members, in unison we both declined the offer, and this was when Geoffrey pulled some photographs out of his inside pocket, and suggested that we would be getting paid for four days of barging, my eyes nearly popped out of my fucking head, what torture have these two creatures got up there sleeves, that would involve two innocent boys, mind you they would be paying handsomely, now that was just a passing thought, so now we are going to be seduced with some erotic pictures, or to you and me porn, but no he laid out a host of photographs of what I thought were boats, but apparently they are called barges, or canal boats,

Well I can tell you Alex and I both gave one hell of a sigh of relief, unless this was just some subterfuge to throw us of the sexual predator scent, you'll be glad to know it was not, and my arse stayed intact for another day, the plan actually was that dodgy Geoff and knob head Stevie wanted Alex and I to pick up a barge in Manchester and manoeuvre it through the Cheshire ring, these are canals and waterways of the north west , peak district and more, or so I'm lead to believe, and for a novice it could take at least fourteen days to navigate these canals, but the canals we would be using to arrive back to Warrington, apparently should only take four days, and to put the cherry on top of the proverbial cake, our shifts would be covered and we would get paid double time for the four days, result quickly sprang to mind, but with a seed of doubt itching the back of my mind, and the doubt we had, was why would dodgy Geoff need two young scallywags with no past experience of ever being on a barge never mind driving the bloody thing (or is it sailing?) down any kind of waterways (I never even played with a toy boat in the bath when I was a boy)

And why the two of us? especially when knob head Stevie lives on a fucking barge, and dodgy Geoff has his own barge which he drives or sails almost every weekend, there is definitely something amiss here, one thinks, but we are getting well paid, and we are working for the health authority, so we decide to take on this challenge, but of course with a little trepidation.

A couple of days before our little seafaring adventure we were given a quick demonstration of barging life.

Oh dear what will become of us on this journey on the waterways.