I’m Not Sorry

I grew up in silence and sorrow

Therefore a spoken expression of regret and failure to fulfill an expectation was a daily occurrence

I grew up with suspicion and secrets

Therefore a hidden emotion of fear and sadness to quieten the shivering rabbit was a diurnal happening

I grew up without nurturing parents who preferred to snuggle with beer, cigarettes and marijuana

Therefore mapmaking is my vocation to brighten my internal landscape I employ a sextant of nautical instrumentation to teach myself the Good way to go

I grew up with hidden liquor bottles and black-label beer cans that followed us home in the shopping buggy week after week

Therefore I made an inner vow to stay far away from the demonic tonic reserved for people whose mouths are oratorios and for those who lounge and lie around

I grew up with oily cigarettes and rolling marijuana seeds the burning raw herb weed made Mummy’s eyes look far away perched upon a precipice

Therefore I am good at wrapping Christmas presents after observing people fold tiny papers into three-dimensional forms

I grew up with English sweets and full-on Yorkshire pudding and accents with a wonderfully steadfast Nanan who was under five feet tall a giant in my eyes

Therefore I call people I love ‘Love’ and I take the advice of my Nanan: Say Thank you to God for parking spaces and getting the bus on time

I grew up with a ravine in the Downsview dells as my playground where from the ninth-floor apartment I had a proper view of the lay of the land

Therefore I am the child of the earth jumping and skirting man-made ditches created from concrete and rebar pressed down imposing itself upon mud

I grew up among West Indies Trinidadians and Jamaican people’s music with food that permeated the walls, words and air

Therefore I know colourful rhythm soul food curried goat served as a side dish a leftover offered by my boyfriend’s Mother

I grew up with cockroaches on kitchen walls while chemical odour was a seasonal affair during the days of hot reggae music and shouting voices

Therefore I welcomed reading Jonathan Schell’s: The Fate of the Earth and understood about cockroaches outliving man after nuclear war

I grew up with stolen laundry and leftover greasy dishes from the night ever before cleaning every day was the main attraction

Therefore I feigned madness as a teenager after losing my best and only pair of jeans to apartment thieves who regularly raided the laundry room and broke the machines

I grew up with security guards and dogs at my front door with elevators that would not align properly to the ground floor so taking the stairs was the only yet odious option

Therefore I tracked my safety each time I entered and exited the apartment block I checked each time to see where people stood who were facing off there my heart raced with fear

I grew up in the shadow of the pioneers of Black Creek Village in North York, Ontario, Canada

Therefore my clothes froze on the way to school in minus twenty five where trees were once removed by men and their women settlers of long ago

I grew up in silence and sorrow

Therefore I practice seeing orbs and sceptres above me a whole grand vision of invisible Love sewn into and within the hem of my housecoat

I grew up being told to always trust in God by my Nanan

Therefore I seek to knock at the door that shall be opened for those who seek will find the Way to Life

I grew up going to the public library alone to search for books as friends pictures of birds flowers and vintage fashion my favourite

Therefore I have a love of the Dewey decimal system and typography and an appetite for the proper categorization of all subjects into consummate graphic layouts

I grew up attending a fine arts high school with exceptional teachers in the theatre, music and visual arts — It was there I was taught to sing and act — my heart outed

Therefore I love all the arts and seek to sit in the front row of the theatre so that I might hear my heartbeat quickly entering into the passion of singers, actors and dancers

I grew up in Ontario, Canada cottage country and summer farmland where horse flies followed us down gravel roads and cow patties in the fields were to be dodged before dinner time

Therefore I run swiftly after green grasses and honeysuckle flowers I circle back following evening crickets to watch the beauteous moon from my bunk bed

I grew up noticing the looming largeness of lonely adults wondering what was going to become of us and who was going to care anyways

Therefore I seek out faith in community to know I’ll never be alone in solitude gospel voices sing nature’s whispered secrets into the profundity of me

I grew up with a deep calling to deep

Therefore I honour the Holy the Sacred the Sublime the Invisible Divine that dares to dwell within and through all of us

I grew up in silence and sorrow

Therefore I watch and listen carefully in every situation and circumstance where I am myself and I can say: I’m not sorry