Helpdesk

-- Format: Part 1: Caller dials the Helpdesk number and is prompted to select a number for their particular problem. The listener is introduced to the caller’s personality and problem as they mutter to themselves about the fact that there’s no option for their problem. They select the closest one. Sandeep comes on the line and hears the caller out. Part 2: Sandeep places the caller on a brief hold while he researches the problem. Sandeep returns and asks a few clarifying questions, after which he’s able to solve their problem or lead them towards possible solutions. Part 3: The caller’s problem is resolved either by Sandeep’s suggestion or through a serendipitous occurrence, which Sandeep overhears. The caller is then transferred to an automated survey about Sandeep’s service—or—(sometimes) Sandeep’s boss comes on the line to fuss at him about the fact that they can’t seem to listen to the recordings of his calls, but his customer reviews are always stellar.

-- Maybe there are calls where either the caller asks to speak to Sandeep’s boss or Sandeep needs to upchannel the caller’s issue to his supervisor. Maybe Sandeep’s boss doesn’t fully understand what their issue is.

-- Do we overhear Sandeep as he researches the issue? Like: “...this isn’t in my job description.”

-- What is the business model of Sandeep’s company: Cirrus Cloud Services. Is it an international consolidation of search services that also includes relevant cloud data? Is this explained in a prerecorded ad pitch that loops during the hold music for the caller?

-- Is Sandeep ever phased by what the caller is asking for help on? Or, is he surprised by what Cirrus comes up with as a solution?

-- Podcast idea: “Helpdesk.” Each episode features the same call center employee, Sandeep, who fields unusual calls. The calls range from someone claiming to be calling from another dimension, to a mysterious little boy who tells Sandeep about the people in his closet, to his dead mother, to someone abducted by aliens. There should be someone contemplating suicide, whom Sandeep talks out of it.

CALLER IDEAS:

- Someone accidentally used a love potion on their worst enemy. The resolution is that Sandeep gets them to reciprocate the love.

- Someone’s furniture has become sentient and they want them to pay rent. The caller puts the chair on the line who complains that the caller’s butt stinks.

- A hillbilly calls and says he’s trapped Bigfoot; now what should he do? At one point the hillbilly goes to check the sex of the Bigfoot and a Chewbacca-like roar sounds from the background. The hillbilly gets back on the phone and says, “Yessir, it’s a—well now, what do you call a girl Bigfoot? A bitch?” The Bigfoot should escape before the end of the episode. The hillbilly is distraught—almost to the point where it sounds as if his wife just walked out on him.

- Someone calls claiming to be calling from the third dimension. He’s finally just gotten back from the 12th dimension and needs to know how to close the portal. Gabe suggests grabbing objects from each dimension and having them clash together and cancel out and close the portal.

- Novice witch calls from Salem, MA at a big Wiccan convention. She just can’t get this spell right and wants to make a good impression. Sandeep tells her she’s using kosher salt and should be using rock salt.

- Someone accidentally reanimates a dinosaur egg and it hatches.

- Loch Ness Monster (egg)

- Someone calls with a time traveler in her living room.

- A Nazi SS officer calls and doesn’t realize that it’s 2019 and Germany lost.

- Someone finds the Smurf village and they’ve tied him up like Gulliver and given him one phone call.

- The angels are whispering to me!

- Someone dead calling from the afterlife.

- Guy in a cabin in the mountains and there’s giants.

- Middle schooler whose iguana exploded.

- Middle schooler who discovers he can use the Konami Code IRL.

- Wolfenstein-like robot from WWII that was unused until a CPA uses it to commute to work and takes out three lanes of Interstate 90.

- There’s a ghost in my house.

- An astronaut calls from a space station. Sandeep suggests he call NASA and asks about the obvious lag in their conversation. The astronaut claims his station has oriented so he can’t see Earth but doesn’t recognize any constellations he can see out the portholes. Then they realize that he isn’t in Earth’s orbit, but Saturn’s orbit.

- Caller claims a tree in his yard is moving closer to his house when he’s not looking at it (like a Weeping Angel). “Ellum do grieve, Oak he do hate, Willow do walk If you travels late.”

Thank you for calling the Cirrus Cloud Service Helpdesk. Your call is important to us. A Customer Service Technician will be with you shortly.

Hello, thank you for contacting the Helpdesk, my name is Sam, to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with?

Hi, Sam.

Yes, hello, to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with?

I’m Lucy.

Yes, hello, Lucy. Do your parents know that you’ve called the Helpdesk?

They’re sleeping.

Well, could you please wake one of them up so I can help you with what you need?

I’m calling you because they’re sleeping. Daddy said he and Mommy were going to Cloud Nine. Your website says you help people in the cloud.

Well, yes, that’s what it says, but for cloud-based file sharing, not sleeping. Please, if you could please go wake up your mom or dad, I could find out how to help you.

Mommy and Daddy are in Cirrus; that’s why I can’t wake them up.

In Cirrus? What do you mean?

Mommy and Daddy are wearing VR glasses and the laptop says, “Uploading files to Cirrus, Cloud Nine” and I can’t wake them up.

Lucy, you need to call 911, not us. I can’t help you if your parents won’t wake up. So, I’m going to hang up now so you can—

The laptop says, “