12Two lesbians a bed a balcony and me.

12

2 lesbians, a bed a balcony, and me,

1986

The song:- Lost weekend

The band:-Lloyd Cole and the commotions

The song:- To Much to young

The band:-the specials.

There comes a time when you have to experiment, try new experiences, be wild and put it out there, live life on the edges little, well after my relationship disaster I felt the need to get away and and test the waters of the unknown

Well this instalment is all of that and more,

but I can assure you I did not have a say in any of it, I promise,

and I categorically deny any involvement or orchestration in the night that lay ahead, but what a night it was, well for me anyway,

and it was something I have not been able to replicate since, but not for the want of trying!

Well I say did not repeat,

although I may have come mighty close at times through my adult life,

SHARING

the day started like any other,

I was living in Benidorm at the time, and had been there for several weeks,

I was working as one of those idiots that ya got in the mid 80s, you know the ones,

kids trying to be adults offering you the world to enter the establishment they tout for, pestering the passing trade offering themselves to get them in, or was that just me? anyway there was always

some cheap shitty drink and the promise of a great time on offer, which was all the incentive anyone just outta puberty needed

which inevitably became just a blur in the history of there memories,

as I say the day started as any other I woke around 1 pm in the afternoon,

I was sharing a big fuck off run down apartment in the old town, with a group of people I hardly knew, and did not really want to get know,

but my appetite for women’s company placed me there for the majority of my stay in Benidorm,

on my first night in Benidorm I ventured out vaguely with the intention of looking for a job, but as I trolled the bars I gradually unintentionally grew intoxicated, and outside one of the many bars that existed on most of the streets of this party town I met a girl

and in turn she introduced me to her boss, and I started work there and then,

Suffice to say Susie the girl and I did the honourable thing and shagged each other’s brains out all night in my hotel room, but gettin her up there was another matter as the night porter was a vigilant chap,

but he did have a willingness to be bribed, with cost me in the vicinity of 20 pesetas, and well worth it in my mind,

now the morning of the night before was somewhat of a shock as Susie was still fuckin there right next ta me clinging ta me right arm snoring like she was fartin out of her mouth, and the odour that leaked out convinced me that she was probably farting out of her face, but her still being by my side this sunny morning was infact a blessing in disguise as she and her other roomies happen to be looking for another flat mate,

and as I was roughing it in a luxury hotel at the time I thought what could go wrong, ( I seem to think that a lot in my life, what could go fucking wrong? ) so after another quick romp in the sack just to get the morning going Susie took me ta meet my potential new buddies, unfortunately

my new best friends just happen to be a bunch of space cadet fuckin loons,

I mean if ya could pick a bunch of different fucking plantpots, give them multiple different personalities, blend that with different cultures, languages and inconcinnities, throw into the melting pot a few drugs of your liking, well you still won’t get close to this group of fuckwits,

Let me introduce them to you one by one, first we have, Pedro, he was your complimentary Spanish roomy, I’d say around 5ft 2 shoulder length black hair and so tanned he disappeared when leaning against the mahogany doors,

he couldn’t speak a word of English, or chose not to, after all he is from Spain, In fact he didn’t seem to talk at all, he just ran round after the bloke he shared a bedroom with, a coked up cockney geezer, named Dave, who at around 27 was probably the oldest,

his job of choice was that of DJ at one of the local drinking establishments , and of course getting pedro to dance to his tune twenty four seven,

the young lady that introduced me to them, and to some very kinky bedroom antics was Susie, she was a strange girl, she never tied to communicate with me much once I had moved into the freak show of an apartment,

now this may have something to do with the healthy appetite I had for the new bedroom athletics she had introduced me to, but unfortunately it was not with her, but with her roommate Isabella,

now I’m not proud of this because Isabella, although absolutely stunning was not my type,

And actually I know that I was definitely not her type, because The moody cow Susie definitely was, as I was ta find out sometime later,

Susie was from Australia I believe, but could have easily been from Barnsley, as her accent fluctuated daily, she was a small girl 5ft 1ish, but boy did she grow in the bedroom,

Isabella on the other hand was at least 5ft 9, slim build athletic looking, Spanish and a complete goon and pot head, who’s only goal in life was to fuck the brains outta Susie and any other human beings as long as they were still breathing,

last, we have a guy from turkey, 6ft, 2 curly black hair, again fucking tanned , ( for fucks sake my milk bottle good looks have got to come into fashion one day!) anyway at this point his name escapes me, so let’s call him Brian,

well Brian was our Clint Eastwood arcitype, of the group, silent but deadly, shady eyes, unshaven wore a sombrero, and was the money man, so I kept the fuck away from him,

not just because he was scary, but because, he liked to borrow money on an interest free not paying you back ever type loan,

So anyway I’m up and out for 1.20, after a lovely cold shower with water I can only think came straight from the sea, as you seem to have to share the murky dribble of water coming out of the shower head, with an array of wonderful creatures,

my days attire consisted of white United footy shorts, a pale pastel blue Fred Perry T shirt, collar up of course, and Adidas trainers, no flip flops in them days for me, so uncool, by 1.30 I was out of the so called apartment, thank god,

I walked the 2 miles along the promenade following the sea line to my place of work,

where I would have a hearty meal consisting of full the English breakfast, (which at the time seemed to be a Spanish delicacy,) before starting a 10 hour shift from 4 till 2 am, which was a pretty good shift, as ya could get a few drinks on board and be ready to mingle with the party people soon as You clock off at 2, and then carry on the party feel till whenever the fuck You wanted to as long as you got some sleep before me next shift, sorted.

I was working the Bar that evening when the motley crew I lived with turned up,

it must of been around 1am as I new I’d be on the other side of this bar pretty soon,

not that it mattered that much as I was quite inebriated anyway, apparently it was big Brian’s birthday, and they were out celebrating, now I felt touched that they would come looking for me to join them, except that was definitely not the reason they had turned up at my work for the first time ever

In fact big Brian just needed one of his free loans, in other words give me cash and stay healthy,

I loved being healthy, and Brian loves other people’s money so deal done,

and at least I was allowed to tag along as Brian did say he would get the round in, really Brian ! Really, how fucking generous ,

So it was getting on for 4am now and we were all pretty wasted, and Brian still hadn’t got a fucking round in, in-fact I think he had a aqcuired more of his special loans, as the bars slowly start to close

we find ourselves assembled on the beach, just lying on the soft white sand, looking upwards towards the sky with not a care in the world and sangria in hand,when Gabriella suggested we all go skinny dipping , well since I was up for anything, I was naked in 27 seconds, I could have been quicker but that would have looked a bit over zealous, Gabriella and Susie were a close joint second behind me in the undressing olympics, but the undressing of each other probably hindered them slightly, but it definitely aroused me!

The other boys fiend drunkenness, and just lay there, the sad fucks!

We 3 entered the water under perfect moonlight and before we could turn and shout to the boys”come on in the waters lovely “ they were up and had it away on their toes with all of our fuckin clothes,! Twats,

Now I’m not moaning,

but I fucking loved that Fred Perry T shirt, and we never did see any articles of clothing again, an as a consequence I could never bring myself ta buy any Fred Perry products again in my life time, I must have been rather traumatised by the whole Fred Perry , incident more that I realised, but reality set in for me an my concern was what do we do now?

Well the first thing we did was to get the fuck outta the water, the second thing we did was get straight back in,

and the reason for this decision was that we spotted police on the promenade with their big shiny lamps and torches, so plan B was quickly formulated, which was that we decided to stay in the water neck height, and fucking bob up an down along the coast line ta the old town,

now this is about a mile, and it was a touch chilly out there,

we were like 3 bobbing apples floating along,

but we got there and got out again,

now being in cold water for that amount of time, it does things to a young male,

and for any man it kinda changes your appearance somewhat in the nether regions,

what I’m trying to say is that from a distance, we were like 3 women coming outta the dip that night, albeit one woman was of the flat chested variety.

Now we had to do some serious scuttling around out there on the streets of old Benidorm navigating the narrow lanes of the old town, trying not to surprise some unfortunate old dear out for a morning stroll, or kill off any old gentlemen playing boules,

because the girls I were With were seriously fit and of course naked,

Gabriella would take anyone’s eye out if you stood to close at chest height and she turned to ya, if you know what I mean!

Well finally we arrived at the steps of our apartment block relatively unscathed only to find that we had no keys,

and this was of course because we had no fucking clothes on, so no fucking pockets, hence no fucking keys aghhhhh!

What to do now? I stood there going blue trying to come up with a plan when susie came up with a magnificent idea,

“John get your arse up that wall and onto the first floor balcony, cross over to the second balcony cut through to the hallway,

and there should be a key in the plant pot outside our door, retrieve that said key, pop down the stairs let us in, jobs a gooden, my simple reply to this request was “what really?

You can go fuck ya self my dear, who do ya think I am, a fucking ninja Spider-Man!“ her reply stunned me, “do it now and the 2 of us girls will perform any sex acts on each other, before turning are attentions to you to do anything to you fancy”

Well I was up that wall like a rat up a drain pipe!

And I had the 2 girls on the settee in 2 minutes flat,

And the only injury that was suffered in this act of heroism was a few abrasions on my bollocks, they swing low ya see,

I am dribbling, the sun was rising and so was I, the things women can do to each other is incredible,

the girls were true to their word, they had me in the bedroom on the balcony, and for good measure in the shower, my head will never forget that day and the bedroom Olympic’s,

the scars are with me to this day, and although I was an after thought in many of the games, (In fact I did have ta remind the girls I was there at times,) at least I was a thought, and the memories will stay with me, and not you! You really didn’t think I would explain every explicit action that took place that night,

suffice to say I became a better man that day,

although my bollocks have still not recovered and I guess they never will,

not long after that day I left that apartment to start my journey home to England by train across Europe, and what a story that is.