Dead Reckoning Day 10
"Be honest." Dr. Smith turns to face Dean. "How are you feeling?"
Dean coughs, trying to figure out the best way to answer. It's been 10 days since the baby died. Physically, he's fine- recovering just the way he should be. He thinks his hormones are returning to normal. His mental health is a different story. He's not okay. He's tired. He's angry. Just getting out of bed is a struggle.
He can't tell her that.
"Fine." It's far from true but he can't tell her how he's really feeling. "Wanting things to go back to normal."
"You've lost eight pounds in a week. Are you eating?" Dr. Smith checks her notes.
"I am." Dean doesn't think she would consider a few bites of toast and a quarter cup of avocado pudding eating but he does. It's also he can manage to take in with some weird smoothie concoction his husband's created. He eats just enough to stave off the pangs of hunger.
"Dean, please don't hesitate to reach out if you need some support. Grief is a strange thing." The doctor gently squeezes his shoulder.
"I will keep that in mind." Dean sighs, trying to keep his composure. He wants nothing more than to get back to his safe space.
Seth had wanted to be there but he had a mandatory work physical. Dean's fine with that. These are the kind of things he prefers to be alone for. There's no need to stress his husband out if he can help it.
Seth's got enough on his plate.
"Babe?" Seth softly calls, wandering into the bedroom. "I ordered pizza. You hungry?" He turns, facing the bed.
Dean stares back at him. It's a rare moment that he's sitting up, staring at a tv show on mute. He needs to shower but has no desire. Maybe eating something would help...
"Small piece?" He's not sure how hungry he is but he knows he needs something. Also, maybe this will give him the motivation to shower.
Seth stops, double taking. It's clear he hadn't expected Dean would actually accept the offer. He opens his mouth as if to speak but decides against it, turning to the closet.
Dean wishes he had the ability to tell Seth everything but he can't. The thoughts are all consuming. That's why he can't let Seth in. There's no need for his husband to take on any trace of his guilt.
People don't know how to react. He tries to respond appropriately, but really- that is easier said than done.
Oh, I'm sorry you went through all of this for nothing.
Multiple people have said this to him. He understands what they're trying to say. They're trying to tell him that they're sorry he gave up his body for eight months and the end result was gone. That doesn't make him feel better. To him, these well meaning people are saying that her life meant nothing. That's far from true. Her presence was brief but she taught them valuable lessons. She taught them to never take anything getting for granted because it could be gone in an instant. She taught them that it was possible to give a lifetime of love in an instant. These are not worthless lessons.
"Do you want to take a shower while I change the linens?" Seth asks. "I'll be quick and by the time you're done, pizza should be here."
Dean doesn't particularly want to shower. He barely wants to move. He's content to lay there, avoiding the world that doesn't know what to say to him.
She's in a better place.
Someone had actually said that to him on the one time he had dared to go out. It had been a well meaning neighbor who hadn't known what else to say. Dean had had to resist the urge to tell her exactly what he thought. Their daughter was in a better place? There was a better place for a newborn that wasn't with her loving dads who'd been excited to meet and nurture you?
All of these people are starting to give him a headache.
"I'll be on the back deck." Dean rises slowly. "Join me if you want!" He wraps Seth's bathrobe around him, moving through the house.
It's cold, the air moving away from fall and heading towards to winter. The trees are officially dead, the branches bare. The grass has turned brown and crunchy.
It's almost as if the world is mourning the baby with them.
Dean turns his head, noticing Seth staring at him through the sliding glass doors. In turn, Seth doesn't realize Dean is staring at him. He blinks, resisting the urge to cry. Dean hates that sad, slightly lost look his husband's got and he hates knowing he's the reason behind it.
Another sleepless night.
Dean tries to stay in bed but he's found it's not a good idea to let himself get too restless. Set sleep like a log so as soon as he’s in a deep sleep, Dean gets up and head into the nursery.
This is the space that had been decorated with a huge hope for the future. This is supposed to be the space where their dreams grew and flourished. Instead, it’s become a sign of everything that they’ve lost. This is not only lost her daughter, but also their innocence.
Dean tucks Seth in and stands. He needs to make his rounds and then, go sit in one of the few spaces that bring him peace.
Dean moves into the nursery and sits in the old rocking chair. He’d done it while pregnant- getting up in the middle of the night, heading into the nursery to sit in the old rocker and dream of their future. He does the same thing now, except instead of dreaming, he ruminates on what they’ve lost.
The antique rocker had been a gift from a neighbor. She had noticed Dean’s condition and sent the chair over.
We have no use for this chair anymore but I see you will. I hope this item brings you as much joy as it did for us.
Dean had been beyond delighted with the gift. As he sits up, he remembers how he ran his hands over the aged wood and dreamed of the adventures this chair would be a part of.
Now, this chair is where Dean sits and thinks about what might have been. He stares at the Fairy Green Walls, accented in Canyon Wind and remembers the arguments he and Seth had gotten into. The entire time he's thinking, he rocks, wishing life had been different.
If things had been different. he would be 35 weeks and 2 days along. The baby would be safely inside him, doing what she needed in order to keep growing and to get ready for life on the outside. He and Seth would be busy, finishing up the few things needed to make sure their nest was perfect.
"Stella." The name still sounds weird to him. "Stella Jude." Dean practices saying her name. He wants the world to know she existed. In order to do that, he has to say her name. They'd never intended for her to be a Stella but it became appropriate once she had passed.
The name meant 'star', which is where Dean liked to think she was.
Among the stars.