The Rantings of an Embittered Nurse, Part 788.

As my colleagues would surely know, being a nurse requires immense physical, mental, emotional AND spiritual health. I don't know about you, but I have often asked myself, "Why have I ever gotten myself into this line of work?" I often find myself dreaming of being in another job, one which would entail normal working hours and weekends off; a job that meant being able to stay home or go for long drives and trips during public holidays and on long weekends; a job which meant being able to go for meal breaks on time; one which would require working behind a desk, in front of a computer, oftentimes not having to talk to anyone, and still earning money.

It's a far different story for us nurses though.

Being a nurse means having to be able to smile and be polite despite the hunger and exhaustion clawing on inside of you. Being a nurse means sometimes (or oftentimes) going for eight hours or more without food or water (you're lucky if you remembered to slide a protein bar inside your pocket before you left home). Being a nurse means being able to endure a mere five hours or less of sleep for the rest of your life---sometimes because you have to do an early shift after a late shift, most times because you couldn't get a wink of sleep if you wanted to, because every single night you're too busy tossing and turning, thinking your whole shift over, fearful of what you may have or may not have done.

Being a nurse means being able to think within a split second what would be best for your patient(s), with your every decision possibly meaning life or death for someone. Being a nurse means having to be big enough to accept and learn from the many mistakes you are bound to commit while in the field.

Being a nurse means being forever patient with some (not all) doctors who may belittle you in every possible way known to man. Being a nurse means being tolerant of some (not all) patients and their families who, despite your Bachelor of Science degree, might doubt your every move. Being understanding of your family and friends despite their taking against you how you always knock of two, three or more hours after your supposed knock off time; because they will never understand, no matter how hard you try to explain, why "you're never there."

Being a nurse means being able to set your morality aside when asked to "pull the plug" or "push the needle" into someone whose body is still warm; whose chest is still rising and falling, whose heart is still beating. Being a nurse means being tough enough to be the one to break the bad news to a family; to a wife, a husband, or a child; terrible news that would always start off with something like, "I'm awfully sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your mother..." And being able to say all of that without shedding a drop of tear at all! Being a nurse means being the one to have to answer the most challenging questions in life, like "Nurse, why did my baby die?"

Being a nurse means having your rest days when the rest of your family or friends are at work, and having to work weekends which means you miss out on, well, absolutely everything. Being called in to work during your rest day, and not being able to say no because you know it will be taken against you. Having to defend yourself when you call in sick because "nurses are not supposed to get sick," and because they "won't be able to find someone who would be willing to work your shift."

Being a nurse means being forced to leave your own country (whose government has absolutely no regard for nurses) to work somewhere on the opposite side of the world so you could earn enough money to support your family. Being a nurse means caring for absolute strangers when your loved ones don't have you to care for them when they're ill. Being a nurse almost always means having no one to care for you when you get sick, too.

Being a nurse means becoming almost like a robot: Tough; made of bolts and metal. Quick. Automatic. Immune. Unfeeling; borderline apathetic.

Being a nurse means getting little to no appreciation for what you do. Being a nurse means being remembered for the mistakes you have done instead of for the lives you have saved. Being a nurse means mandatorily giving a part of yourself when you yourself have nothing left to give. Being a nurse means no one will ever understand what you're going through, what damage the things you've seen and felt on the floors have done inside of you, except you.

I think the reason why I often ask myself why I chose to become a nurse is because it's so easy to forget why. It's so easy to forget why you've signed up for such a "noble" profession. Amidst all my rantings, there are perks to being a nurse, and most days, the benefits do outweigh the negatives. But then at the end of the day, you are just human; vulnerable to all things thrown at you. You forget to see the good things. It gets too overwhelming; the darkness closes in, and the light disappears. You doubt your destiny, and you breakdown. You fall on your knees, in search of answers. During these times, I try to remember that no matter how hard I tried, I won't always be able to come up with the answers on my own; that I may need Something, Someone Greater than me, Greater than all of this, to remind me of the light I once knew.

So a little while back I prayed. I prayed to have a break from it all. I have, just a few months ago, went back to my home country, and so asking for another leave is out of the question. I can't quit my job because it's all I have. I can't shift to another career because at my age I have to be a little more realistic. And so I prayed, "Lord, just a little break from it all please? I don't know how You would give it to me, but You see my exhaustion, my weariness, my pain. If it is in Your will, please lift this cup away from me. Please help me have a little rest."

And the Lord is good indeed.

Out of the blue, my company decided to trust me to work on some 120+ Care Plans for our facility's accreditation (in layman's terms, "Important Paperwork for Nurses") It's quite a massive project, and they're looking at devoting at least a month or so for it. This would mean I get to sit in front of the computer everyday for the next month or so for eight whole hours, have my meal breaks on time, be able to go home on time, and still be a nurse on top of it all. I still get to help my patients, but see, I get to sit down and have a little break from it all.

As I was about to knock off from work today, I ran into two of our lovely lady residents in the elevator. Both of their faces lit up when they saw me. "Rochelle! How have you been? We haven't seen you for a while. We miss you dearly! Come back!" I smiled back and felt like hugging them.

At least I get to have a break from it all... Just for a little while.

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“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” - Wendy Mass, The Candy Makers