Don't Break Me

PROLOGUE

When I was a child I had a fever, my hands felt just like two balloons. Now I've got that feeling once again, I can't explain, you would not understand, this is not how I am.

-Pink Floyd | Comfortably Numb

I'm sitting in the living room with my nephew, Jane. She's such a nice and beautiful girl. Her hair is blonde, her eyes gray, and her skin tanned. She's sixteen and she's bit of a rebel but most sixteen-year-olds are. I remember my teen years, very unpleasant. I was not a rebel until I turned 16, skipping class, not going home until the day after, stuff like that. Not drugs or alcohol though, I hated that stuff.

She's telling me about her school and her friends. Turns out she's a geeky girl and she doesn't care about popularity which is a relief. Being popular makes you a spoiled kid most of the time, and it ruins your life. Wanting to be popular can be worse than actually being popular.

After Jane finishes telling me about her school and friends and then she asks me something that startles me.

''Aunt Kaitlin! Tell me about your teen years will you? Please?'' This kinda worries me because my teen years weren't exactly the best or the happiest. The complete opposite actually. I was the ''emo'' girl. The worshipping satan girl just because I listened to hard core and the likes. I was bullied for being different and I was depressed. I did not think I was gonna make it.

''They weren't happy moments Jane. They were certainly the worst years of my life. A story like that is not good to hear. It's a harsh story.''

''Come on! Please tell me!' I'm mature enough to guess what it is that happened and that means you can tell me.''

Jane was mature enough to hear my story but telling it would not be easy and no one could know that I was telling this to Jane.

''Fine I'll tell you but you can't tell a soul anything you hear today and you may not show pity after I finish telling you.''

''Okay I promise! Tell me!''

''I had always been an outcast. Bullied since sixth grade but my worst year was surely tenth grade. Though in a way it was also my best year too.'' And so I started to tell her about my past. It would take a long time to tell the whole story but Jane asked for it so here it goes.

CHAPTER 1

Every second's soaked in sadness, every weekend is a war, and I'm drowning in the déjà vu, we've seen it all before. I don't wanna do this by myself, I don't wanna live like a broken record.

-Bring Me The Horizon | Seen It All Before

I'm walking down through one of the many hallways in Ithaca High School. It's a rainy day, like most here in Ithaca, NY. Rain makes everything easier in a way cause I can wear long sleeved shirts and sweaters and that sort of stuff, it hides all my scars on my arms and wrists. I know of some other kids that cut themselves but I don't talk to them, hell I can barely talk to my family. I hate social anxiety, it makes you the least friendly person even if you really wanna make friends and talk to strangers. In a way everyone is a stranger though, It's been a while since I had anyone that cared about me. I thought my parents did but that was just the innocence of my childhood. It would be very easy if innocence was something that couldn't be taken away from you, but that's just not how it is.

I think I lost my innocence around the time when I entered middle school, after all that's when all the bullying started, I'm on 10th grade now. I get bullied because I'm not thin and pretty like the other girls. Also partly cause I listen to post hardcore bands and people think that makes you emo, which makes you a target for bullying. That type of music is supposedly deathly and satanic for people who have never actually listened to it. Just cause they hear screams and don't pay attention to the lyrics. That type of music saves lives, it has reduced suicide rates by 89%, and why would satanic music save lives? That's just that

they're selfish and they want everyone to listen to the same meaningless music that they listen to. It just makes me really mad.

I think of all of this before lunch while walking through the hallways because I know that in a few moments someone will empty my bag on the floor, yank me from my shoulder, and shove me against the wall. Not counting the insults that come with all the shoving. I hear the footsteps behind me. "Well here it comes again," I think to myself. I feel someone take my bag off my shoulder and throw it across the hallway,next I feel someone grabbing me and pushing me against the wall. I'm so used to this that I know exactly what they're gonna do every time. Already know that 3 of them will punch me and slap me across the cheek. The worst part though is the names they call me. I always leave an expressionless face when they do this but it really does affect me more than any shove or punch ever could. They call me a slut, bitch, fat, ugly, worthless, emo. After years of being called those names you start to believe that you actually are what they call you. I'm not a slut though, I've never even kissed a boy much less been loved by any boy, or any girl for that matter. I already know that I have to isolate myself from everyone or else I'll get hurt, no one who I've at least crushed on has ever crushed on me back or cared about me in the leastest.

I wait for them to leave and when they do I feel like crap and that's when I have to try the hardest to not break down and cry. I'm pretty good at it by now, I know how to be completely expressionless except when I lock myself in my room, it's the only time that I cry and since I put my music really loud my parents don't hear the crying, not that they would care if they did. As I head to the cafeteria I think how easy it would be to just make it all stop but I don't want to die, everyone says that the pain stops at some point and I'm hoping that it will happen for me soon. I can feel the eyes of people as I enter the cafeteria and I imagine what is going through their minds. Freak, emo, punk, slut, etc. It would be much better if I was just a random nobody but of course I'm not, I'm one of the very few people categorized as emo and that instantly makes people be wary about me and not talk to me.

As I walk to the lunch line I glance in the direction of the table I always sit at and there's a guy there. Great now I can't even have lunch, it wouldn't be an issue if there was another free table around but every single one is full of people. I walk towards the doors to leave the cafeteria and I pass through the garbage cans. I feel someone bumping on to me and I get prepared to be shoved against the wall again today but nothing happens. I leave the cafeteria immediately but I can hear someone following me. I walk faster but someone grabs my arm. I turn around and I'm surprised to see the boy who was sitting at my table is looking straight at me. I look away but he keeps looking at me.

"Sorry I bumped into you back there," he says and my first thought is that I should've left before I had to talk to him.

"Don't worry about it," I say in a whisper. I would talk to him normally but my voice hasn't had much talking to do and I don't use it much more than to cry at night.

"I'm Alexander," says the boy, "and you are, if I may ask?"

I really have to make an effort to say my name. "I'm Katie." Why is this boy talking to me? He's better off talking to the people who actually have friends and are accepted by society. Maybe it's all just a prank, I get them quite often, I really should leave now. So I do. I turn around and leave Alexander standing alone in the hallway and I realize that he's new to this school so he doesn't know that he shouldn't be talking to me, I also realize that he wears all black and long sleeved shirts but I don't give it much thought. I put my Bose headphones on and walk home.

CHAPTER 2

I kissed the scars on her skin, I still think you're beautiful and I don't ever wanna lose my best friend.

-Pierce The Veil | A Match Into Water

When I get home I immediately know that both my parents are there because I hear screaming. I decide to go to my room instead of having a snack because that would involve going through the living room, where my parents are. I'll just eat something after they leave. I go upstairs and slam the door to my room. That way my parents will know I'm home and not call me to pretend they care. I plug in my iPod into the speakers and turn up the volume. Pierce The Veil A Match Into Water starts playing and it's enough to make me forget what happened today. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and reluctantly take it out and I'm surprised to see that I have a notification from KIK, I always use that messaging app to talk with m friends from the internet, they're the only ones that know I cut and fast. I'm hoping it's Lucy, one of the people I most talk to but when I open KIK I see that it's from a person who's not in my contact list. Weird, no one ever talks to me if I don't talk to them first. The person's name is BL_WC DPB. I wonder who that is. The person wrote hey so I write hey back.

Instantly the person writes:

-Do you remember me? I'm Alex from school today-

This guy is really creeping me out. How did he get my kik username? It's only in my Instagram page and no one from my school knows I have it.

I write back:

-Yea I remember you-

-Would you mind it if we sat in that table of yours together at school?- How did he know that's where I sat?

-Ummm... well I don't really mind as long as you don't talk to me- I text back.

-Deal-

-Okay-

-I don't mean to intrude but I am a very big fan of Instagram page and I think that it's awesome that I finally know who you are. You might think that it's creepy for me to know about your page but I followed it before I came to Underwood Middle School-

At this I am completely speechless. He knows about my Instagram page which means he knows that I cut which means that he could tell anyone at school about it and that would make my life a million times worse.

-YOU CAN'T TELL A SOUL ABOUT MY INSTAGRAM PAGE OR I SWEAR I WILL INCINERATE YOU-

-W ooaaah calm down I'm not planning to tell anyone!! That would end horribly because they would know that I follow you and they would find my Instagram and they would know I'm just like you-

-What do you mean you're just like me?-

-Well..... I also cut....-

At this he really has my attention. Why does he cut? He's handsome and perfect, and he doesn't seem like someone whose life would be depressed and stuff. I suddenly feel more connected to him, as if I'd told him everything and he had tried to help me, I guess in a way he had though, he might be the owner of one of the many pages that always make me feel cared for with the comments they leave.

-What's your Instagram?- I ask him.

-Oh it's @holdonpainends why?-

-So I can follow you and know who you really are-

-Alright, see ya tomorrow at school-

-Kay-.

What the hell just happened? Oh right I just talked with a cute guy who apparently cuts and wants to hangout with me at lunch. This is not gonna end badly at all!

I look up his page and see that he wasn't lying. He does cut and is one of my top 5 commenters and likers. He has a really famous page, almost as famous as mine. I guess he recognized me beacuse yesterday a posted a picture of myself, he never does that so there was no way that I could know who he was. I decide that even though I'll probably regret it, I can try to trust him, become his friend and have someone to talk to in real life instead of people from the internet. Oh yeah, this is gonna be the best ever. Yeah right.

The music stops and immediately dark thoughts and cutting wishes invade my mind. Well shit here we go. I go to the bathroom and as I think about how miserable my life is I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I try not to look at the mirror because I know that will make me a wreck but I can't stop myself and the words ugly, fat, bitch, come to my mind. And then I loose it. Like every other night I open the medicine cabinet and take out my razors and when I realize what I'm doing I already have a dozen cuts along my left wrist. Across, not down, down would kill me and I still have a really small bit of faith that things will get better. I put the razor back in the medicine cabinet and collapse on the bathroom floor. I don't know how long I lie there just that I finally realize that I can't hear the screams from downstairs. I put my pajamas on and get into bed. I try to sleep but it won't come. When it does come, my eyes are red and puffy from crying.

*

I wake up to the sound of my duck alarm and a wet pillow. Guess I either drooled or cried during my sleep. I get a shower and get dressed. Black skinny jeans, gray Vans, and a long sleeved Bring Me The Horizon t-shirt. I make my hair and give it the everyday look covering my eyes. I painted it blue a week ago and I really think it looks good, just the hair though, the rest of me is crap. Pale skin, sea green eyes, long blue hair. I'm 5'4 and I'm not the tallest neither the shortest in my classroom, I don't stand out in that at least. I grab my bag and leave, closing the door to my room, before going downstairs. I'm really hungry, after all I haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday. I'll just buy a muffin or something at the school store.

Thirty minutes later I'm arriving at school and I see Alexander sitting alone on a bench. I really want to talk to hi but before I make up my mind he sees me and jogs in my direction.

"Hey," he greets me with energy but not exactly joy, it's something I can understand considering what he goes through. I discovered he lives with his mom, who is a drug addict and an alcoholic. Also she beats Alexander. I want to say hi back but my voice won't work.

"Oh right, no talking, sorry," at least he knows I'm not trying to be mean. The bell rings and I wave goodbye but apparently we both have English because he follows me all the way there and sits next to me on the back row next to the windows that look out to the courtyard. This is gonna be along day. I'm looking out the window when I see Matt, Anna and Jack, the bullies, all staring at me and making signs that I don't understand except for one of them. Anna is dragging her finger through her throat, today it will be worse than other days. They'll probably hit me harder and push me around a lot more. Shit. I look away before I can see more.

CHAPTER 3

Stay the hell away, while I sit here by myself, and figure out how I got this way

-Sleeping With Sirens | If You Can't Hang

I'm walking to lunch and I hear the footsteps behind me. I start thinking that I should run to the cafeteria. Just one hallway left. They wouldn't hit me in front of everyone, surely they wouldn't. But when I turn around I see that's it's just Alexander and that gives me relief. The hitting will be after lunch at least.

We walk together to the lunch line and after we get our lunches we. Sit down and eat. As I'm moving my food around the plate I hear everything go silent and when I lift my head I see an expression of terror in Alexander's face. The next thing I know there's spaghetti all over my hair and my clothes. I hear the people laugh all around me. Fear floods my mind and I can't think of anything other than that I have to get out of here.

I stand up and feel hands grab my arms. I struggle to break free but whoever is holding me has am iron grip. I feel my getting red with shame. Everyone is looking at me and they're laughing. There's two people that have pity in their eyes and I wonder why they're not laughing like everyone else. Someone yanks me and as I turn around I see that Anna, Matt, and Jack are the ones who threw the spaghetti at me and I realize that I was wrong. They are cruel enough to hit me in front of everyone. As I process that thought someone pushes me and starts kicking my stomach but they stop almost immediately. I wonder if they're done or if it's because a teacher is coming. I hadn't noticed but I had my eyes shut and my arms around my head. As I open them I see Alexander is punching Matt, Jack, and Anna. I feel warmth and comfort because he stopped them from hitting me. I immediately grab him and pull the both of us out of the cafeteria though, because I don't want Matt to tell the others to bully him too. We run away from the cafeteria until we are outside in the football field and them I collapse on the ground.

I sit there while Alexander punches the ground to let go of some steam. I smell hotrible but that is the least of my worries. What if the people in the cafeteria got a video of the whole thing? They could send it to everyone and that would make my life worse, not that I believed that it's possible for it to get worse but who knows?

As I stare at Alxander I wonder why he started hitting those guys. He might've just wanted the attention or maybe he wanted to hit people. There's no way he did it because he actually wanted them to stop hitting me. He couldn't care about me. You don't care about a person you just met the day before. I'm the "emo" girl. The rejected girl. No one gives a damn what happens to me,But what if he does care about me? That would be nice, to have someone who protects you. Who knows when something is bothering you and tries to help make you happier. Now that I think of it, Alexander is quite handsome. Ginger hair, sea green eyes, sharp jaw, and pale skin.

All this I think while I wait for him to calm down, and with terror I realize that I've been staring at him with a dreamy expression the whole time. I quickly look away and feel relief because he didn't notice me staring. That would've been really embarassing and hard to explain.

After a few minutes Alexander sist next to me and stares at the school entrance. After a few minutes of silence he look at me and then at my hair.

"You should go home and clean yourself up" he says.

I nod. My hair probably stinks and it's really disgusting to feel wet stickyness in my head.

Would you mind if I went with you?" asks Alexander. "Not to like enter your house or anything but to walk around for a bit. I don't feel like going home just yet."

I nod once again. We stand up and start walking in the direction of my house.

*

By the time we reach my house most of the spaghetti has fallen off my head but the liquid has dried up and it's feels even worse than when it was poured in my hair. I wave to Alexander and he waves back as he keeps walking in the direction of the woods.

I run upstairs before my mom sees me and starts yelling. I lock the door to my room and throw my backpack to my bed. I go to the bathroom and get undressed. When I open the shower the water is cold and it hits my stomach, I cringe. After a while the water heats up and I wash my hair for a long time. Then I just stand there waiting for time to go by.

When I come out of the shower I put on my pajamas and text Alexander.

-Hi :)-

He answers almost immediately.

-Hi! Did you manage to get the spaghetti out of your hair?-

-After a lot of shampoo and more than a few minutes in the shower I was able to-

-Well thank god! So what u up to?-

-Just laying in bed listening to music. And you?-

-I'm sitting in a log in the middle of the woods. I leaving now though, I'll text you when I get home okay?-

-Yeah okay! Bye-

-Bye-

I put my phone down and stare at the ceiling. And then I realize something. Something that makes me happy but also scares me. I might be actually starting to trust Alexander a bit too much, and after more than a few years without friends or someone to trust it makes me kind of nervous.

Tonight is the first night in weeks that I don't feel as desperate to cut and that I don't actually do it.

CHAPTER 4

Say anything that could make this all okay, take away all of this emptiness I feel, cause I could never find another you.

Of Mice and Men | Another You

After a few days of hanging out with Alexander I start saying some words, I answered simple questions and talking again felt weird but good in a way. I enjoy being with Alex and everyday that passes I talk even more. We discuss everything and it's no longer awkward. He walks home with me and then goes into the woods everyday. At school we have lunch together and since Jack, Anna, and Matt are suspended, everything is really peaceful. People still look at me as if I'm a freak but no one has said anything about the spaghetti incident. At least not when Alex is with me. I guess they don't want a punch in the face.

With Alex I actually feel happy for once. I'd completely forgotten what it was like, I missed it. Some Alex has been able to make feel happy when no one else had been able to, not that a lot of people had tried or anything but still. I met him 3 weeks ago now and I am 2 weeks clean. Thanks to Alex of course.

I'm sitting on my sofa in my room and looking at my wall. I actually really love it. It's full of posters of bands and their albums. It took me a long while to fill the whole room with posters and now I can't put them all on because they don't fit. I should probably put up the really good ones up right now, after all Alex is coming today to my house because we have to do an english project and I want him to see the really cool ones. We have 3 days to do the english project, since it's Friday and it's due on Monday. It consists on writing down ten quotes from a book or a song and they had to be poetry. I hope that we don't finish it today though, I want an excuse to go to his house. After all I don't even know where he lives, and it's about time I did.

After an hour of changing posters Alex texts me telling me that's he's outside. I go downstairs and let him in, luckily my parents aren't home or they would probably be screaming at Alex and pushing him out the door. We go upstairs and into my room and when Alex sees all the posters I have he's awed.

"My god! If only I had that many posters! Mine only cover part of one of the walls and yours cover every inch in all of them. How did you get them all?"

"Mostly magazines and some from special sales or online."

I stare at him as he looks at my posters, amused.