Okay

do you know?

...that feeling when you want to cry but you can't because there's people around. people at home just like your mom and sister or dad if he's still around and it wouldn't be a problem but see the problem is you don't have a reason to cry but they'll ask what's wrong but see the issue is that you don't know what's wrong. so crying becomes less of an option so, you don't. then the fire builds volume consuming space within your windpipe. you cant breathe you can only manage small inhales, your eyes begin to glaze over like krispy kreme doughnuts and minuscule droplets form within the corners of your sight sockets. you look up in a begging manner, pleading the rain forecast from your eyes to go back to their hiding places within the creases of your cerebellum but, they of course ignore you. ignore you like everything else does besides your problems which seem to be attracted to you like pen to paper. you clench your jaws as if anticipating impact, simply trying this as a last resort in order to refrain from the tears. which fails. you excuse yourself to the nearest bathroom and break down, leaning against the locked door and slowly losing feeling in your legs so you slide onto the floor. asking yourself why you are like this, why you cry, for no reason at all, you beat yourself up with false statements about your body and the future you have yet to foresee. then you dry your eyes and fix your face, then exit the bathroom return to the dinner table as if nothing happened and thats what hurts the most, pretending you are okay when you are simply not "okay".